You Raise Me Up

I was shaking so badly as I drove around, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I had to get away from him. Well you can’t drive around forever, I thought as I passed the same building for the third time. Go visit someone, maybe they can help you figure this out.

The first one who popped into my head was Nick, but he’s Jordan’s brother so that wouldn’t work. Then I turned towards Bella’s before I remembered that she was seeing Jordan. Try as I might I couldn’t think of anyone of my friends I could visit, every friend I had was either friends with Jordan or connected to him somehow. And he thinks Josh is trying to control my life?? I laughed at the irony in that.

There was only one place I could go where I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about them looking out for Jordan’s interests over mine, at least they better not! I turned my car in that direction, hoping that they would have time to talk to me this morning.

The front door opened as I got out of car.

“But daddy,” Cassie whined as Zack shooed her and her sisters out of the house. “Mom would let me drive to school.”

“Yeah well your mom also said ‘I do’ to me, so I know she’s crazy.” Zack chuckled, “Now get out of here, if you miss the bus you are walking!”

I had to laugh as I made my way to them, “And trust me girls, he’ll make you do it too!” They younger two sped off down the lane but Cassie hung back.

“It’s not fair Aunt Anna; daddy still treats me like a little girl!” She turned to Zack, “I’m 16 you know!”

“And you still call me ‘daddy’. Come give daddy a kiss goodbye baby,” Zack held out his arms and moved towards her, making kissing noises as he went.

“You need help,” Cassie informed him but she still gave him a kiss on the cheek before she went to join her sisters to wait for the bus.

We stood on the front step until the bus came to get the girls. Then finally Zack turned to me, “Now what do I owe this honor Anna?” He asked as he led me into the house. I tried to tell him that I just wanted to come for a visit but he damn near laughed in my face. “This early in the morning Anna?” He shook his head, “I know better than that, there’s something wrong, what’s going on?”

“Is Mary home?” I asked, I didn’t really want to talk to him about what was going on.

“No, she’s at Chad’s until Sunday,” he told me. When I asked why she was there he stopped and gave me a funny look. “She’s helping Susan with packing and cleaning.”

“Why? Are they moving?”

“You are kidding right?” When I told him ‘no’, he shook his head. “Anna where the hell have you been? Chad and Susan are moving down here on Sunday!” I was shocked, where the hell have I been?

We ended up in the kitchen, Zack got himself a coffee and me some orange juice before he joined me at the table, “I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that you didn’t know. We haven’t really seen you much since Christmas break.” He took a sip from his mug. “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up too? Starting with this,” he grabbed my hand and pointed to the ring on my finger. “Funny, I don’t recall anyone coming to me to ask for your hand in marriage.”

“It’s not an engagement ring,” I told him but he didn’t believe me. “Zack, I’m serious!”

He looked closer at the ring, he didn’t seem too happy to have any ring there, no matter what it was. “Then why don’t you tell me what it is.”

So I did, I launched into the story of Josh’s grandparents and how I ended up with the ring and the cross necklace. I wasn’t going to tell him anything else, I didn’t think he’d want to know but I found that I couldn’t stop talking when I wanted too. I ended up telling him everything from the time I last spent any amount of time with him and my family to this morning when I ran out of the house. He was silent the entire time although he did show some emotion when I told him about Josh asking me to move in and Jordan’s advances.

“I don’t know what to do Zack. I love him, I know I do but I don’t know if I want to move in to with him just now, I can’t help but wonder if he is only asking now because of Jordan, and it’s not even like Josh’s apartment is big enough for both of us and Jess.” I sighed, “I know I can’t stay at Jordan’s anymore,” I told him.

Zack pushed away from the table and stood up. “Unbelievable! What the hell are they thinking? Seriously?” I jumped back in my chair, I didn’t think he would react like this. I knew he wouldn’t be happy but he seemed so mad. “You’re damn right you aren’t staying at Jordan’s any longer and there’s no way in hell I’m letting you move in with Josh! It’s way too soon, you aren’t doing it!”

“But I’m old…”

“I don’t care how old you are, you came to me for advice, help or whatever and that’s exactly what you are getting.” He leaned down, one hand resting on the back of my chair and the other on the table in front of me. “I know you love Josh and I know that Jordan is your best friend but neither one of them should be doing this to you. You need to get away from the both of them and figure out what you really want.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“I’m not suggesting anything Anna, I’m telling you. You are moving out of Jordan’s house and you are coming home!”

“No, I’m not! Zack I can’t do that, it wouldn’t help me at all.”

“But living with Jordan and being constantly torn between two guys that mean a lot to you help?”

“I can move out on my own! I don’t need to come back here.”

“Do you have $2400 Anna?” When I asked him what he was talking about he sighed. “It costs $800 to rent a 2 bedroom apartment in town. The rental companies require first and lasts months rent and the damage deposit before you even move in. Do you have that kind of money just sitting around Anna? Can you afford to pay $800 a month plus utilities, on top of all the other bills you have?”

I tried to say that I could do it but with a car payment, insurance, health care, and every thing else, I knew that it would be tough; I didn’t make that much working. “I could get a second job Zack.”

“You could Anna, you’d be working all the time just to pay for something you didn’t even need in the beginning. You can come home, I told you that before and so has Mary.”

“I know,” I told him. “But living at home? Now?” I didn’t want to say it but I didn’t want to feel like a loser after being out of the house for so long.

“There’s nothing wrong with living at home Anna. It’s the one place you should go when you have nowhere else to go.”

I started to say I could move in with Josh, “Like hell you will!” Zack snapped. “I don’t know what the hell he thinks he’s doing but there’s no way that you are living with him. You only just started dating Anna! It’s way too fast for a big commitment like that. Josh is a good guy, I have nothing against him but he is 32 and looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. I’m not saying that person isn’t you, it could very well be. I just don’t want you to be so caught up in his life that you forget you have one too.”

“Even if it’s only for a little while, you are moving back home. Please don’t argue with me about it either, I’m only trying to help you.”

I knew it, I did. I think that deep down that was the reason I went out there that morning. I wanted him to tell me I could come home.