Thursday, February 28, 2008

Talking To Jenna

Despite the fact that I was super tired, I found that I couldn’t fall asleep once Jordan had left me alone in the guest room. I spent the remainder of the night tossing and turning as I begged for sleep to come take me away. But it never did. So in the end I just laid in bed and waited for some sign that Jordan was awake and up for the day.

It was shortly after 9 when I heard him moving around in the kitchen. I gave him a few minutes by himself before I jumped out of bed and went to join him. “Good morning,” I cheerfully as I entered the kitchen.

“Hey,” he replied as he stood at the counter playing with his griddle.

“So?” I slid up beside him. “What are you doing?”

“Making pancakes,” he turned from the griddle now that it was on and walked over to the fridge for eggs and milk. Stopping at a couple cupboards on his way back from the fridge, he pulled out a big bowl, a glass, spoon, whisk, pancake mix and a measuring cup; the entire time, he never even looked at me once.

I tried not to let it get to me. “Can I help with anything?” I asked with great enthusiasm.

“Nope.”

“Oh,” I frowned. “Are you sure?” Normally he would let me measure out the mix or the water or something.

“I have everything under control,” he informed me. “Why don’t you go watch TV or something?”

“But I don’t want to watch TV, I want to help you.”

“I got this,” he said firmly.

“Oh,” my shoulders slumped. “I guess I’ll just –”

“Yeah,” he cut me off. “Just do that.”

Feeling very hurt, I turned around and headed towards the living room, only to change direct and run into the room I slept in as tears threatened to spill down my cheeks. Jordan was upset with me, that was clear and I hated it. As I sat on the bed, I wondered if maybe I should just grab my clothes from the dryer and go home, he obviously didn’t want to be around me at the moment.

After debating it for a while - arguing that he wasn’t upset with me just with the situation and the fact that I wasn’t making it any easier on him – I decided that it would be best if I didn’t take it to heart and leave. My reasoning for staying was that he didn’t ask me to leave, just to do something else instead of helping him.

So with a smile on my face and some confidence restored, I opened the guest bedroom door and walked out into the hallway. I was on my way to the living room when I heard Jenna crying out in her room. I can go get her, I thought. It may not be what Jordan suggested but it keeps me out of the kitchen with him.

Turning around, I made my way to her room. Pushing the door opened, I couldn’t help but grin when Jenna looked up and smiled at me. “Hey Sweetie,” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I walked over to her crib. “How are you doing this morning? Did you have a good sleep?”

Jenna stood up in the crib and held her hands out to me.

“You want out of that little prison, don’t you?” She grinned and I laughed. “Yeah,” I glanced over my shoulder and listened but I didn’t hear Jordan coming down the hall. “Well since daddy is making breakfast, he shouldn’t mind if I take you out, right?”

Picking her up, I brought her to my chest and slipped a hand down to support her from the bottom. “Ewww!” I made a face that she laughed at. “You peed through your diaper! You got your jammies all wet!” Holding her out at arms length, pretending that the thought of pee all over her grossed me out, I took her to the change table and sat her down.

“Now,” I looked around, grabbed the wipes and a diaper, and then looked down at her. “Oh,” I bit my lip, looking towards the door again, not sure what to do. “Umm,” I turned back to her; she was giving me a funny look, like she wanted to know what was taking me so long. “Ok,” I sighed. “So here’s the deal. Your daddy, you know the funny, good looking green eyed man that keeps calling you ‘Jelly roll’?”

Jenna tilted her head to the side and gazed up at me.

I chuckled, “Yeah, you know who your daddy is. Anyway, so last night I think I did something to make your daddy upset with me.” She looked away and I groaned. “Ok, I know why he’s upset with me, I don’t really blame him, I – wait, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, should I?”

She didn’t say anything, obviously.

I shook my head and wondered if I was losing it. “Anyway, you daddy is upset with me and you are wet but I don’t know if it would upset him more if I changed you or if I went and got him to do it. I mean,” I frowned. “It’s not that I can’t do it, I’ve changed many diapers before, I just don’t want to do something that would upset him anymore. Does that make sense?”

Jenna shook her head and I laughed.

“Of course it doesn’t make sense, why should I be worried about if he would be upset that I changed your pissy diaper when he has many more reasons to be upset with me. Like me being stupid and asking him to give me a month.” I started to undo the snaps on Jenna’s jimmies. “What the heck do I think a month will do? It’s not like it’s going to change how I feel about your daddy.”

Slipping her out of the pjs, I sighed. “Jenna you have no idea how lucky you are to have Jordan for a daddy. He’s the kindest, gentlest man I know. He’s smart, he’s funny and he would do anything for those that he cares for.” I smiled, “And you know what? He doesn’t even realize what a great guy he is – or at least he didn’t, I don’t know if he has finally realized it yet or not.”

Jenna was chewing on the corner of the travel baby wipes container, totally ignoring me but I didn’t care, I needed to just talk. “Do you know that he never thought that he would be a good daddy?” I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “But you love him and enjoy being with him, don’t you Sweetie?” She giggled. “Yeah,” I sighed. “You know he misses you when you aren’t around? You can see it in his eyes when someone mentions your name or he sees a little kid with their dad. It’s so great to see too.”

Whipping the pissy diaper out from under her, I rolled it up and tossed it in the garbage before taking the wipes away from her. “Your daddy has changed so much you know. Before he found out about you he was always down on himself and saying how he would never be a dad because he was afraid of being like his dad, your grandpa.” Jenna looked up at me when I said ‘grandpa’.

“Yeah, I know it’s hard to believe it now but there was a time when daddy didn’t talk to your grandpa much but things have changed, they’ve grown closer since you’ve come along and I couldn’t be happier. It tore your daddy apart thinking that his own daddy didn’t love him and that he wasn’t good enough. And I have to tell you, it really hurt to see your daddy hurting like that, I tried to make him see that it wasn’t like that but he didn’t need that from me, he needed to find that out for himself and you helped with that. You managed to open up the lines of communication between your daddy and your grandpa and I, for one, am very grateful for that.”

I went quiet as I cleaned Jenna and fastened a new diaper around her waist. It wasn’t until I went to pick her up so I could go get a new pair of pjs for her, that I realized she was looking at me curiously. “What?” I stared down at her. “Are you wondering what your daddy wanted from me? Or are you just wondering why I stopped talking?”

“I don’t know what to tell you Jenna.” Picking her up, I sighed. “No, that’s not right. I know what he wants from me; he wants me to give him a chance.” Walking over to her dresser, I held her on my hip as I opened the top drawer. “Your daddy told me about six months ago that he loved me but I was just starting a new relationship with Josh so I thought he was lying to me because Josh was taking up a lot of my time; time I would normally spend with your daddy.”

“Long story short, I told her daddy that it was too bad, I was in love with Josh and I wasn’t ever going to look at him as anything more than a friend, so give it up.” Jenna screwed up her face, I wasn’t sure if it was directed at what I said or the frugly red and purple pjs I held up. “I know,” I groaned. “It was so mean of me. Your daddy was my best friend and to say something like that to him? Argh, I felt so bad but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do, I didn’t think I felt that way for him.” I rammed the frugly pjs into the back corner of the drawer and stared down at Jenna. “But then your daddy kissed me.” She stared back at me. “Yeah, he kissed me and it shattered the box that I had long ago locked any feelings for your daddy that weren’t ‘friendship’ related in. And things just got messy. I was so confused. My heart and mind were telling me that I loved Josh but at the same time they were telling me that I always loved your daddy. I didn’t know what to do and the fact that Josh was here that morning and sort of caught your daddy and me, well that didn’t help at all.”

Shaking my head, I started poking around in her drawer again. “So Josh broke up with me, I pushed your daddy away and life became so miserable. For the longest time, I convinced myself that I was miserable because Josh dumped me but looking back over it, I wonder if it was really that, or if it had something to do with not seeing Jesse.”

“’Esss!” Jenna exclaimed with a giggle and I shook my head.

“Oh no, you are way too young to giggle over boys!” I pulled out a pair of white pjs and started to put them on her. “I love children,” I told her. “Ever since I can remember, kids have always been my downfall and sometimes I wonder if the fact that Josh had Jesse, who is so adorable, was the main reason I loved him? I’m not saying that was the only reason I felt something for him, I know that I had feelings when I first met him but I wonder if the fact that he was a daddy influenced my decision to be with him?”

Jenna squirmed as I tried to do up her last snaps and I groaned. “And if that’s the case,” I picked her up in my arms. “If Jesse was a reason that I felt so strongly for Josh, where does that leave me with your daddy? Do I love your daddy for the man he is? The man who’s always been around when I needed him and even when I didn’t? Do I really love the guy who can make me squirt milk out of my nose without trying? Or am I feeling this way because he’s the daddy of a pretty, blonde haired little girl who couldn’t be more like her daddy if she tried?”

Turning from the dresser, I shrugged. “I really don’t know Jenna. I know that I thought I loved your daddy when I was still in high school but was that real love? Or was that loving a guy who’s always been my friend? If I don’t really love him, what will happen if we get together and it doesn’t work out? Can your daddy and I still be friends? Or will I lose the most import –” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, scaring Jenna. “Do you hear me?” I asked her. “Do you hear what I’m saying?”

She stared blankly up at me.

“I’m doubting my feelings for your daddy because I’m afraid, yet what am I afraid of? Losing him!” I shook my head in disbelief. “All my doubts circle around the fact that I’m afraid that by dating your daddy, loving him, I’ll lose him. But what the hell have I been doing for the past 23 years, if it hasn’t been loving him? He’s always been the most important person in my life, outside my brothers and their families. Sure I’ve been friends with your uncle Nick just as long as your daddy but it was always your daddy I went too when I needed someone. It was always your daddy I shared the deepest parts of my soul with. Your daddy knows what makes me tick, your daddy knows how I think, and your daddy knows…me. And he loves me despite all of that.”

I started for her door, “And I asked him to give me a month? What the hell for? To torture the both of us?”

With a newfound understanding of how I was truly feeling, I marched down the hallway towards the kitchen, determined to tell Jordan that the whole month thing was not going to work for me. When I turned the corner and entered the kitchen, I gasped in surprise as I came up solid against Jordan’s chest. “Jordy!” I exclaimed. “I…”

Not a word was spoken by him but he managed to shut me up with one movement – the rising of his hand to reveal the baby monitor. Before I could even respond to the image of the baby monitor and get use to the fact that he heard every word I spoke to Jenna, his arm slipped around my waist to draw me to him as he lowered his head, blocking out everything except for the feelings that exploded in me as his lips captured mine.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Never Too Late

With every passing second we stood by his truck in the rain, the more soaked I became. My shirt was clinging to my skin and my hair was plastered to my forehead, I was sure that I resembled a drowned rat but that didn’t stop Jordan from gazing down expectantly at me. “Well?” He tugged gently on my hand. “Are you going to come to the house tonight?”

“Hmmm,” I shrugged. “I was actually thinking about running to Sev to grab some wings or something, I didn’t have much for supper, my tummy is growling.” I pulled a hand from his and placed it on my stomach, smiling when Jordan’s gaze rested there too.

“Yeah…umm…” he mumbled something I couldn’t pick out but when I asked him what it was, he shook his head and told me that he was feeling hungry as well. “Why don’t you pick some thing up for the both of us and meet me back at my place? By the time you get there, I’ll have Jenna in her bed so I’ll be yours for the rest of the night.”

As badly as I wanted to make a comment in him being ‘mine’ for the rest of the night, I let it slide. “That sounds like a plan,” I grinned. After a quick conversation about what he felt like having, we said ‘bye’ and I took off towards my car.

I was going over what could possibly happen once I got to Jordan’s that I didn’t notice that the car parked beside me on the passenger side was Eric’s until I heard Mike’s voice asking me what I was looking so happy about. I told him nothing but he didn’t believe me at all. As I stood in the rain, peering over the roof of my car, Mike asked me again what I was smiling about. “Are you doing bad things with my brother?”

Laughing, I told him no. “I’m just going to Sev to grab something to eat and then…”

“You are going to do bad things to my brother.”

“No!” I rolled my eyes. “I’m just staying at Jordan’s tonight; he doesn’t like the idea of me driving the highway this late when it’s raining.” It sounded so fake when I said it but I knew that it was true, even if Mike didn’t believe me.

Which he didn’t. “Yeah, right,” he chuckled. “I’m willing to bet if it wasn’t raining, my little brother would still be begging you to stay in town.”

With a smile I told Mike to mind his own business before hopping into my car and speeding out of the parking lot.

Twenty minutes after I left the hospital, I pushed open Jordan’s front door. Even though I wasn’t living there any longer, I felt the same feeling of belonging as I did every single time I use to walk through that door and I realized that I missed feeling that way. It feels like home.

“Home?” I stopped dead in the middle of his kitchen. Did I really feel that way? Or did it have something to do with the fact that I was letting myself feel things for Jordan that I’ve been burying deep since we were in school? I didn’t have time to explore that further, footsteps in the hall told me that Jordan was coming my way.

“Hey,” he smiled at me as he turned the corner. “I just finished getting Jenna settled down – she woke up when I put her in her crib – I think Heather is going to kill me if Jenna’s cranky when I drop her off tomorrow.”

“She knew you were going to the hospital when she let you take her,” I pointed out.

He nodded and then told me that he was going to take a quick shower. “If you want to toss your wet clothes into the washer when you change, I’ll wash and dry them along with mine.”

While Jordan showered, I brought the food into the living room and set it on the coffee table along with some napkins and a couple cans of Pepsi. After turning on the TV and picking a DVD – Shanghai Knights – I wandered down the hallway to my old room, which Jordan had turned into a guest room after I moved out.

I had just slipped my wet jeans off when I heard the bathroom door open and listened as Jordan went to the washer with his clothes and moments later the water was running into the washing machine. I wasn’t really thinking, I didn’t even realize that I had left my door open until I was in the middle of sliding my damp panties down my legs and heard Jordan cough. “Anna…hum…”

My eyes widened and my hands froze at my knees. From my bent over position, I stared up at him standing in the doorway, gawking at me. “Jordan!” I squeaked shoving my panties to the floor as red stained my cheeks.

“I didn’t…” he started defensively but stopped when I gave him a dirty look; he didn’t like that. “It’s not like I’m the one who left the damn door opened,” he snapped as he spun around and stomped down the hall towards the living room.

As quickly as I could, I pulled on a dry pair of panties, gathered my wet clothes and went to the washer with them. Once my clothes were lying with his, I hurried down the hallway, trying hard to hide the embarrassment that I felt at being caught with my panties down.

The living room was darker than it was when I left it a few minutes earlier; Jordan had turned off all the lights except for the small lamp by the couch. When I came into the room, he glanced at me but didn’t say anything. “Listen,” I started, I was going to apologize for the dirty look but he held out a can of Pepsi to me and motioned towards the cushion next to him.

Grabbing the food from the coffee table, I sat down next to him and took the pop. “Thanks,” I mumbled as he pressed the play button on the remote.

We were about ten minutes into the movie when I finally turned towards him. “I’m sorry.”

His hand stopped in mid lift, the potato wedge that was on a trip to his mouth, dangling as he turned to look at me.

“I know it wasn’t your fault, it was mine, I didn’t think.” I felt my cheeks turning red again as I thought about it. “I was just embarrassed for some reason.”

For the longest time, he just stared at me, his eyes roaming over my face, searching my expression as if he was hoping to find something. I’m not sure if he found what he was looking for but he did smile and tell me that it was ok. “It’s just not how I imagined seeing you with your panties around your knees,” he joked.

“Jordy!” I poked him in the ribs and he laughed as he turned back to the TV and food.

I’m not sure how long it was after we finished the food that I started to fall asleep, only to catch myself and jump. I did this a few times before I finally stopped fighting it and fell to my side on the couch with my feet resting on Jordan’s lap.

It wasn’t long after I was comfortable lying down when Jordan nudged my legs off his and grabbed the blanket that hung over the back of the couch. “Move ahead,” he told me as he leaned to his side and started to pull himself up behind me. In a couple minutes, Jordan was resting comfortably behind me with his arm draped around my waist as we lay under his blanket.

The next thing I remember is his soft voice calling me, telling me that the movie was over and it was time we went to bed. I know I said ok but I guess I didn’t move because moments later I heard him curse as his arms slipped under my legs and back.

“What are you doing?” I asked him sleepily.

“Just wrap your arms around my neck,” he mumbled as he lifted me off the couch.

“Ok,” I buried my face against his neck and groaned. “You smell…yummy.” I took a deep breath and groaned again. “So manly and…yum.”

“I’m going to ignore you,” he informed me but I could feel his pulse in his neck, I knew his body wasn’t ignoring me.

When he entered the guest room, he crossed to the bed and carefully placed me on the sheets. “Anna,” his eyes were closed as he sighed my name. “Babe you have to let go of my neck.”

“Do I?” I asked innocently as I stared up at him. His eyes flew open, his gaze locked with mine. “Why do I have to let you go?” I questioned. A moment passed and I found my gaze traveling from his eyes to his mouth and back again. “Jordy?”

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and reached behind his head and gripped my hands as he brought them down to the mattress. When he opened his eyes again, I bit my lip at the raw desire reflecting there – I thought for sure he was going to kiss me, I parted my lips in anticipation but the kiss never came.

“29 days,” he bit out as he shoved away from me and disappeared out the door.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

After The Baby

“Ok guys,” Nick let out a big yawn as he stood next to Amy’s hospital bed. “It was nice that you all stayed around until Amy had little Nicky –”

“Nick,” Amy cut him off. “Our son’s name is Bradley.”

“I know, I know,” Nick smiled at her and then turned, catching my eye. “Little Nicky,” he whispered.

“Nick!” Amy glared at him as she slapped his arm.

“”You hit me!” He gasped his surprise. “Did you all see that? Our son isn’t even a day old and she’s already beating me in front of him!”

With a chuckle, I tilted my head down to gaze adoringly at the sleeping little boy in my arms; his parents’ voices fading into the background as I gently stroked his soft cheek with my finger. “Hey little guy,” I whispered softly. I was the last one to get a chance to hold him; I let everyone else go first so that there wouldn’t be anyone rushing me to give him up. “I’m your Aunt Anna – your Godmother. I’m not really sure what being a Godmother means but I can’t wait to find out.”

The moment I gave him a kiss on the forehead, I felt something inside me shift and suddenly I felt very sad and alone; tears burned my eyes, blurring my vision. I was so happy for Nick and Amy but I couldn’t help but hate them at the same time for having everything I desired. Knock it off, I scolded myself, it’s not like you’ll never have this. One day you’ll be holding your very own baby. It’s just a matter of time – and finding the right guy.

Right guy? My eyes jumped to Jordan who was standing a couple feet away from me, watching me as he held a sleepy Jenna in his arms. He was smiling slightly but when my eyes locked with his, his smile turned into a frown. “What’s wrong?” He mouthed.

Shaking my head, I shrugged slightly and turned my gaze back to Bradley as he moved in my arms. I know it’s bad but I was really hoping that he was waking up so I could look into those big innocent eyes again.

“What are you thinking?”

Turning my head, I grinned at Jordan as he squat down beside the chair I was sitting him. “I was thinking that it was a good time to go.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “Nick thinks that too; he just told us all to get out.”

“Oh,” I exclaimed. “I didn’t hear that I was…”

“Busy plotting ways to kidnap my nephew?”

“Shhhh,” I held up my finger to my lips. “Don’t tell anyone. I figure I could make it to the door before anyone notices.”

“Ha!” Jordan scoffed, causing Jenna to jump and she started to whine. “Nooo,” he groaned. “Daddy’s sorry Jellyroll,” he bounced her gently in his arms but she wasn’t happy; her whines were getting louder.

Reaching out my hand, I stroked her blonde curls. “I think someone is very tired.”

“Yeah, I should have taken her home a long time ago but…” he glanced towards the hospital bed where Nick was sitting.

“Ok guys, seriously,” Nick slipped off the bed and came over to Jordan and me. “I love guys, really, but Amy is getting cranky and wants me all to herself.”

“Yeah, you wish,” Amy chuckled. “I just want to get some sleep.”

Slowly, we all made our way out of the room and down the hallway. I tried to sneak Bradley out but Nick damn near ripped my shirt off my back when he grabbed it to stop me. “I believe that’s my little boy Anna,” he said proudly as he reached for Bradley. “Say good night Aunt Anna.”

I pouted. Nick laughed.

“Fine,” I leaned in and gave Bradley a kiss on the cheek. “I love you Bradley and remember what we talked about; I’m here for you anytime, especially when your daddy is being mean and unfair.”

“Ha ha ha,” Nick rolled his eyes. “Get outta here!”

“I’m going,” I gave him a hug. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t get all misty eyed. “Take care of yourself and you family Nicky.”

“You can count on it,” he assured me with a tight, one armed squeeze. “Take care of my brother,” he threw in just before he returned to Amy’s side.

I turned to see what Jordan was up to, only to find him about to slip the strap of Jenna’s pack over his shoulder. Hurrying, I made my way over to him. “I can take that,” I told him as I stopped his hand from completing the task. “I have to go that way,” I offered when he raised a questioning brow in my direction.

“Ok,” he let me have the bag. Once he said his good byes to his twin, we followed Mike, Eric and his parents’ out the door; leaving Nick and Amy alone with Bradley for the first time since he was born.

It was late. I didn’t even realize it until we were walking down the nearly deserted hallway; the only other people besides Jordan and I were his family who were about a good ten feet ahead of us.

“What are you doing now?” I glanced up at Jordan.

“Gonna go home, put this little one to bed and then go crawl into mine.” He looked at me, “Why do you ask?”

“No reason,” I shrugged. “I guess I should go home and sleep as well.”

After he said it would probably be a good idea, silence settled over us. It was weird but not in a bad way. It seemed like there was something he wanted to say or ask me but he didn’t.

When we left the hospital that morning it was pouring down rain. As quickly as we could, we hurried to his truck trying to keep Jenna as dry as possible as we went. Once she was settled into her car seat and her pack was resting on the floor at her feet, Jordan turned towards me. “Thank you for being here tonight Anna, I really don’t think I could’ve handled it without you.”

“No problem,” I blushed. It was a silly thing to do. “I should really get going,” I said quickly and turned to get out of there before I did or say anything really silly.

“Anna,” Jordan’s fingers grazed my arm.

“Yes?” I gazed up at him, trying hard not to shiver from the warm tingly feeling spreading slowly up my arm as his hand slipped down until he was holding my hand.

“I really don’t like the idea of you driving home this late at night when it’s raining this badly.”

Glancing to the right, I watched the big fat rain drops bounce of the ground. “I should be ok Jordy.”

“Yeah,” he gave my hand a little tug that I wasn’t even sure he realized he did. “But still, I would feel a lot better if you stayed in town tonight.”

“I’ll be fine Jordy; I’ve driven this road numerous times when it’s been worse than this.” I really didn’t want to drive home, I was feeling a little tired but I wanted to hear him say that he wanted me to stay at his place – if he didn’t, Chad had told me that I could stay at his place when I called him just after Mike had called me that evening.

“I know Anna,” his other hand came down and engulfed my free one. “I just think it would be smarter to stay in town,” he paused briefly. “I think you should come home with me.”

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Bundle Of Nerves

Don’t tell Zack but I broke a few speed laws as I drove into town that night. As I drove I tried to tell myself I was freaking out over nothing. Jordan is fine, I told myself. Mike called because Amy is having the baby, that’s all. I smiled, I knew that’s what it had to be, Amy was as big as a house and Nick did mention before that she was due the first part of July. She’s having the baby, you are going to be a godmother and Jordan…I frowned, why didn’t Jordan call me?

By the time I had arrived at the hospital, I had talked myself into and out of near panic attacks. Parking my car in the nearly full parking lot, I ran towards the front doors. Please let it be Amy and the baby, I pleaded repeatedly in my head as I went.

“Anna!” I was just about through the doors, when I heard a familiar voice call out to me. Spinning around, I saw Adam crush out a cigarette before he walked towards me. “It’s exciting, isn’t it?”

“What?” I stared at him. “Amy? The Baby?”

“Yes,” he smiled. “It seems that we danced that little one down last night.” The front doors opened and he motioned me forward. “I brought Amy and Nick in, Nick wasn’t up to driving at all, and you’d think he was the one having the baby the way he’s freaking out. Amy though, she’s so calm, it’s funny.”

“Well, Amy had nine months to get use to the idea, Nick probably only realized tonight what’s going on.”

Adam looked at me funny. “What do you mean?”

I laughed, “I mean he knows that they baby is coming and all that but I don’t think he realized until she went into labor, just want that meant.” He was still looking at me funny. “Oh forget about it,” I sighed and thought that Jordan would understand, he always understood me when no one else did.

“Ok,” he replied as he led me down a long corridor. “I guess I can understand Nick being all freaked but Jordan? What’s up with that?”

“Jordan?” I frowned.

“Yeah,” Adam stopped long enough to shake his head. “He’s freaking out almost as much as Nick is. I had to leave the waiting room because he was making me nervous with the pacing and the jumping when someone speaks to him.”

“Well –”

“And Jenna crying doesn’t help matters at all.”

“Jenna?” I thought I heard wrong, it was Sunday evening, Jenna would be back with Heather now.

Adam glanced at me, “Can’t you hear her?” He paused and sure enough, I did hear someone crying. “She’s been like that ever since they got here; you’d think she would’ve cried herself quiet by now.”

For some reason Adam’s comments about Jordan, and especially Jenna, irritated me. Didn’t he understand the connection between Jordan and Nick? The guys didn’t like to admit it, but they were supersensitive to each other’s emotions. Amy, the love of Nick’s life was in labor about to have his baby, it’s understandable that he would be really excited, scared and nervous all rolled into one and Jordan, through the whole ‘twin link’ was on edge because of Nick’s overpowering emotions.

And Jenna? Well she was just a little baby still, she knew there was something going on and if Jordan was half as on edge as I imagined he was, he was probably scaring her because she didn’t understand what was happening. “I have to go,” I tossed over my shoulder as I blew pass Adam.

I followed the crying, that’s how I managed to find them. I turned to walk into the waiting room but stopped in the entrance, taking in the scene in front of me. Sure enough, like I thought and like Adam mentioned, Jordan was on his feet, pacing back and forth with Jenna as he tried to calm her down. His head was bowed, his mouth against her ear as he whispered to her while walking and bouncing her gently but it wasn’t helping, you could see that just from the look on his face and the screams from her. I glanced around at the people waiting – Jordan’s parents, Amy’s parents, Mike and Eric – I wondered why neither one of them bothered to help him out. Jenna needed to be up with someone else, Jordan needed to relax and they were all just sitting there cringing every single time Jenna cried. I was probably a little more pissed than I should’ve been.

“Hey,” I said to everyone but I wasn’t really paying much attention to anyone but Jordan and Jenna as I walked towards them. At the sound of my voice, Jordan stopped in his tracks to look up at me; a look of sheer desperation on his face. My hand curled around his arm, “You’re ok,” I stated, partly to calm the part of me that had been freaking out since Mike called me.

“She won’t stop crying,” he said helplessly as his eyes met mine.

“It’s ok,” I reassured him as Jenna took a deep shuddering breathe and sobbed even louder. “She’ll be ok.”

His mouth opened but no words came out as he shook his head.

“Of course she will,” I smiled up at him. “She just doesn’t know what’s going on and,” my hand slipped up to his shoulder. “Babe you are really tense, which isn’t helping.”

“I can’t…” he motioned towards the hallway and I knew he was trying to tell me about Nick’s emotions.

“I know,” I chuckled. “I’ve been around the two of you long enough to understand but Jordy, you have to try to relax, even just a little.” Once again, he told me he couldn’t. “Ok,” I glanced down at Jenna, whose tiny face was planted against Jordan’s chest as her fist clutched at his shirt. “Where’s her Dora doll?” I asked, looking around.

“Mom has it,” he told me as I noticed it sitting on Harriet’s lap.

Telling him I would be right back, I went over to Harriet and asked for the doll. “Jenna doesn’t want it,” Harriet informed me. “We’ve tried to give it to her but she batted it away.” Then she leaned in as I took it, “If we couldn’t get her to calm down, what makes you think you can?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know if I can, but I’m going to try,” I told her but inside I was screaming ‘because I can calm your son down.’

Returning to Jordan, I held the Dora doll in my right hand, behind Jordan’s back as I leaned in and gently rubbed Jenna’s back. Jordan whispered something to her and she tilted her head back to stare up at him. “See?” he turned her towards me, “I told you Anna would come JellyRoll.”

“JellyRoll?” I chuckled, “What is your daddy saying Sweetie?” Jenna dropped her head against Jordan’s chest but her red eyes remained focused on me as she continued to cry; her little cheeks streaked with tears. “Oh Sweetie,” I sighed. “It’s been a long day for you hasn’t it? You aren’t used to this much excitement when you visit daddy are you?” Her eyelids dropped a little as she took another deep shuddering breathe.

To be honest, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but I figured that since she was looking at me with those big green eyes, I was doing something right. I continued to rub her back as I spoke softly to her. I told her why she was here, what was going on and why daddy was so on edge. At some point, as I was talking, her cries turning into sobs and then into sad little whines. “I have something,” I told her. “It belongs to you and I think, if you want, we could play with her over there,” I motioned to the empty spot, a couch that only Mike was sitting on. “How does that sound?” I asked her as I pulled Dora out from behind Jordan’s back. “Do you want to play with Dora and me?”

Jenna turned her face up to her daddy, “Go on J-Roll, daddy will just be here wearing the floor out.” He laughed which Jenna copied as her little fists let go of his shirt. Jordan handed her off to me, his eyes meeting mine over the top of her little blonde head, “Thank you,” he mouthed as he flashed me a smile.

With Jenna in my arms, I made my way over to the couch and plopped down next to Mike, leaving enough room for Jordan to join us.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Mike whispered once Jenna was happily playing with her doll. “We tried everything.”

I smiled up at him. “Did you try calming Jordan down?” The whole time I held Dora behind Jordan’s back, I was stroking the small of his back as well, he had relaxed a little which helped but he was still pretty wound up.

Mike laughed, “I don’t think he loves me enough to let me stand that close and rub his back.”

“Shut up,” I laughed as my eyes traveled back to Jordan, who had resumed his pacing. “I guess it didn’t work that well on him.”

“Maybe,” Mike glanced at his youngest brother. “Maybe he needs a little more hands on treatment from you? Maybe a kiss or two? I’m sure that would take his mind off Nick and the baby.”

“Well, go for it,” I joked, turning my attention to Jenna so that Mike wouldn’t see my cheeks burning at the thought of kissing Jordan.

I played with Jenna for about twenty minutes, keeping an eye on Jordan as well. Not that it was hard, he was pretty impatiently pacing the floor and when he wasn’t doing that, he was out pacing the hallways hoping for some information or for the connection to be broken. There were a few times I swear he said, ‘just have the baby already’, in frustration.

Jenna shifted in my arms, she was trying to crawl over onto Mike’s lap, so I let her. “I’m just going go…” I nodded towards Jordan, who had just returned from his hallway pacing.

“Yes, please,” Mike pleaded as he scooped Jenna up in his arms. “I’ll try to entertain her.”

Sliding of the couch, I stood with purpose. I was bound and determined to get Jordan to stop pacing, at the least. Walking up to him, I grabbed his hand and without bothering to stop, I pulled him towards the waiting room door. “Anna!” He exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

“We are going outside,” I threw over my shoulder.

“But the –”

“I’m sure someone else come for us if they hear anything.”

Walking quickly, I led Jordan down the hallway, pass the nurses station – the nurses looked a relieved when I pulled him on by without stopping – and down to the sliding back doors of the hospital. The cool night breeze coming from the lake opposite the hospital surrounded us as I continued to lead him down the walkway. “Where are we going?” He demanded as I pulled him across the patient pickup point. “I don’t want to leave –”

“Just…” I tugged on his arm as he stopped. “Jordan!” I spun around. “Come on! You are driving me crazy!”

“Yeah, well now you know how I feel!” He snapped, his meaning having nothing to do with the situation at hand and everything to do with his feelings for me.

I stared up at him for a moment and then I just started to chuckle, “Come on Jordan,” I tugged gently on his hand. “Just over there.” There was the grassy hill on the other side of the patient pick up that dropped off to more parking. Beyond that was the road and the lake.

“Why are we here?” He asked once we were standing side by side staring out at the moon over the lake.

With a smile, I turned towards him and slipped my arm around his back. “We are going to be God parents Jordy!” I squealed as I laughed.

Under my hand, I felt him relax finally. “It’s exciting, isn’t it?” He asked as he pulled me against his chest, his arms snaking around my waist, holding me tight.

Closing my eyes, I rested my head against his chest. I sighed happily as I listened to his heart beating. “It’s very exciting,” I murmured, not really sure if I was still talking about the baby or being with him.

We stayed outside until the cool breeze was a little too cool for us. When we returned to the waiting room, we received curious looks from his family. Maybe it was the fact that Jordan seemed more relaxed. Maybe it was the smile our faces. Or maybe, just maybe it had something to do with the fact that he joined me on the couch and when I turned back from getting the sleeping Jenna from her Uncle Mike, he wrapped his arms around the two of us. I don’t really know and to be honest I didn’t care why they were giving us looks.

At some point, I ended up falling asleep in his arms. I’m not sure how long I was sleeping but I do know that I was woken up by Jordan jumping next to me. “Amy had the baby,” he said in disbelief as I stared up at him.

It would take a half hour before we received confirmation that he was right. Nick came running into the room, the biggest grin on his face. “I’m a daddy!” He exclaimed. His eyes locking with Jordan’s as he jumped off the couch to join him, “You’re an uncle!” He jumped at Jordan, almost knocking him over. “I’m a daddy, you’re an uncle and we have a little boy!"

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Around And Round Again

“Hey Scott,” I moved away from Jordan. “What are you doing still at work?”

“Night Auditor called in sick and our other guy wasn’t answering his phone; I had no choice but to cover the shift,” he wasn’t too impressed. “Come keep me sane?”

Smiling, I laughed. “You know I can’t, I’m not in the city anymore.” Then I had an evil thought, “Why don’t you call Tessa? She’d be there in a heart beat.”

“Hell no!” He exclaimed. “I do my best to avoid her during the day, why would I call her?”

As we talked, Jordan inched closer until he was standing right behind me again. I glanced at him, he was staring up at the starry sky, waiting. For what, I wasn’t quite sure.

“How are you doing?” Scott asked me. “You said something about leaving a bar sober? What’s up with that?”

“A promise,” I told him, my gaze still on Jordan. “After the whole sleeping for two days and not waking up at all thing, my brother made me promise not to drink. I think he still believes I did some illegal substance while I was there.” The moment I mentioned ‘illegal’, Jordan’s head snapped towards me.

“That’s crazy,” Scott stated. “I know I don’t know you that well but you don’t seem like the type of person that would do something that stupid.”

“I’m not,” I turned my back to Jordan. “Listen I -”

“Could you hold on a minute?” He asked, “There’s someone standing at the front desk.”

“Actually, I think I’m gonna go, it’s pretty late and I have stuff to do in the morning.”

“Oh, well, I guess I’ll talk to you later then. Have a good night Anna.”

After saying bye to Scott and returning my cell to my pocket, I turned towards Jordan and found him watching me curiously. He looked like he had so much that he wanted to say. In fact, he started to say something a couple times, only to stop, frown and shake his head. There was a good ten minutes of this before he turned his face skywards again.

Looking up at the sky, I wondered what he was thinking and what he wanted to say to me; I had a feeling it had to do with the conversation with Scott and I didn’t want to get into that because there was really nothing to tell. Sure, Scott was a good looking guy and he was nice but I wasn’t interested in knowing him in the way he wanted to know me. I wondered if I told Jordan that, would he believe me, or would he react the same way Josh did every time Jordan’s name was brought up.

Shifting my gaze, I could see him out of the corner of my eye, he was looking at me again, a slight smile curved his lips. Turning my head towards him, I gave him a questioning look but instead of speaking, he just shrugged as his smile grew bigger.

With a chuckle, I shook my head and started to walk towards the service road that would end up taking you to the main road. I decided that since it was a nice night and his parents’ house wasn’t too far from the bar, I was going to walk. I didn’t even need to check to see if Jordan would follow me or not, I knew he would, just like I followed him many times before.

As we walked, I thought about the month that I asked him to give me and what would happen after that month. What happens if I don’t give him a chance? I wondered. Would that be the end of our relationship? Would he feel that I didn’t care enough about him? Would he feel hurt and betrayed?

Despite the thoughts in my head, the night had settled around us in silence, a comfortable silence that I hadn’t felt for a while but there was something different about it also. Maybe it had something to do with the fluttery feeling I felt every time his arm would brush against mine or maybe it had to do with the heat in his eyes every single time they met mine. Either way, I knew that our relationship had changed somewhere and there was no way that Jordan and I could ever be ‘just friends’ without exploring the feelings we both had for each other.

We were coming up to a corner, one where we had to take a right. I was still lost in my head as I went to turn the corner so I didn’t realize that Jordan had stopped until my body slammed into his. Stumbling back a couple steps, I stared up at him in shock, “What -?”

“It didn’t even faze you, did it?” He sounded hurt.

“What?” I tilted my head back so I could stare straight into his eyes. “The baby whore that you were wearing like a necklace?” I snorted. “Yeah right.” I rolled my eyes and started down the street.

“Wait a minute,” he came after me and managed to get in my path once again.

“Look Jordan what do you want me to say? That it bugged me you would lower yourself to that level? To use that little tramp to try and make me jealous?” I shook my head sadly. “Jordan I’ve never set out to make you jealous, why would you do that to me? What do you think I would do? Slap that fake little grin off her face?” My eyes met his, “Strangle her with the tongue she dared to stick out at me when you left with her? What is it you expected?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I know it was stupid but damn it Anna, I wanted you to feel something.”

“Oh, I did,” I told him as I stepped to the side and continued on.

“Damn it,” he cursed again. “Stop walking away from me Anna, I want to talk about this.”

“Fine!” I snapped as I spun around to face him. “You want talk, well listen to this. I called you that night from the hotel, not because I wanted to just talk but because I was thinking about you. The girls and I went out to dinner with Mike and Eric that night and on the way back to Mike’s I was bugging him and he made an innocent comment about you thinking you could handle me. I spent a good hour or so laying in bed thinking about you and yeah, my thoughts did turn to how it would be with us, if you were in bed with me.”

He gasped a little as his mouth dropped open in shock.

“Yeah,” I poked him in the chest with my finger as I moved closer to him. “I was thinking about you naked and I was really surprised that I wasn’t the least bit weirded out by that. In fact, I was so not weirded out that I had to go into the bathroom, run the bath and crawl into it before I called you because I knew the moment I heard your voice, I would probably touch myself.”

When I stopped talking, I expected him to say something; anything but he just stood there staring at me. “Jordan?” I nervously crossed my arms over my chest, I felt a little exposed after revealing that.

He blinked a couple times in rapid succession before he managed to squeak out, “You were horny? For me?”

I had to laugh, “What did you think was going on Jordan? All the questions I asked, letting you know I was in a tub full of bubbles? What the hell did you think?”

“That you were drunk,” he stated. “That you had no idea what you were saying because the Anna I know doesn’t call in the middle of the night and say things like that, at least not to me, she doesn’t.” He paused and then told me he thought that he was dreaming at first. “And then when I realized it was real, I thought for sure you were drunk.”

“I wasn’t drunk,” I stated a little more defensively than I planned.

“But you asked me to give you a month?” he frowned.

“Yes,” I nodded. “I did.”

“You say you love me…?”

“Yes, I do.”

“You say the idea of being with me turns you on…?”

“That’s right, it does.” I lifted my hand to the cease in his forehead from the frown on his face. “What’s with this?” I asked him.

“I guess I just don’t understand Anna. Why ask me to give you a month if you feel that way about me? And why tell me to date other women?”

“Because…” I had nothing. It was all bullshit, all the reasons I gave him that I wanted to wait. Truth was, I didn’t want to wait, I wanted to see what it would be like with him, I wanted to explore the feelings I had for him. But I also wanted some time to be just me - no ‘other half’.

“Anna?” His fingers curved around my chin as he tilted my head back and gazed into my eyes. “Babe, come on, it’s me, Jordy. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. Why don’t you tell me why you want to wait? Does it really have anything to do with your feelings for Josh?”

“No,” I shook my head. “It doesn’t. I feel bad,” I told him. “I feel bad because I’ve been using excuses when the only reason I don’t want to be with you just yet is because I want some time to be with myself.” I was ashamed that I lied to him. “I’m being selfish.”

Jordan dropped his hand from my face and turned away from me. I watched him nervously, I wanted to make him understand why but even I didn’t know why I thought I needed time to myself. I reached out, my hand brushed against his arm, “Jordy?”

He turned slowly at the sound of my voice, “A month,” he stated as he stared down at me. “I agreed to give you a month and that’s what you have. Take that time to enjoy being with yourself Anna because as soon as August 9th hits, I won’t take no for an answer. We’ll explore the feelings we have or we will go our separate ways.”

“What?” I gasped. “You mean you’d throw away our friendship?”

“No,” he shook his head. “We’ll still be friends but I don’t think ‘best’ friends would be possible.”

“So if in a month I choose not to be with you…”

“Damn it Anna! What do you want from me? I told you I loved you and I want to be with you. Do you think that I want to give you a month? Do you think I want to walk away from our friendship? I don’t,” he told me. “I don’t want there to ever be a time when we aren’t together but Anna, I can’t pretend I don’t want more from you.”

I felt like I would lose him, either way. If we took that month, he would make himself scarce, I knew that. If I let my fear run my life, I would lose him. Did I really need the time to myself? What could I do during that time that I wouldn’t be able to do if I were with him? It’s not like I really wanted to see other guys. Sure, I met Scott and knew that Mitch was interested, maybe. But neither one of them made me hot under the collar.

I looked up at Jordan. “A month,” he said firmly before I could say anything else. “Come on,” he motioned down the sidewalk. “Let’s go.”

He walked with me to his parents’ house that night so I could get my car but he refused my offer to give him a ride home, telling me that he needed some time to himself.

I barely got any sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes, I saw him with the baby whore and it scared me. Jordan was a good looking man, women had always been attracted to him, who was to say that he wouldn’t take up with some other chick during the month and end up forgetting about me?

And if he did, could I really blame him when I was doing nothing but messing with his head?

Late the next evening, I got a frantic call from Mike. “Get your ass to the hospital right away!”

“Why?” I asked but the dial tone didn’t have an answer for me. “Oh my God!” I dropped the phone and ran for my car, wondering if everything was ok. But most importantly if Jordan was ok.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Mike's 'Date' Night

After we arrived at the restaurant, Schezwan Village, I excused myself and headed straight for the bathroom while everyone else followed the waitress to our table. I had expected that Jordan and I would be sitting next to each other seeing that everyone else was pretty much a couple and Jordan always sat by me but when I returned, I found that wasn’t so; the only empty seat was between Eric and Adam, Jordan was seated across the huge round table.

As I took my seat, I glanced across the table at Jordan; he was staring right at me. I gave him a confused look and mouthed, ‘what’s wrong?’

With a shrug, he glanced at Adam before his eyes came back to rest on me. “Thought that’s what you wanted,” he said out loud.

“No,” I hissed. “That’s not what I wanted.”

Slouching in his seat, he seemed indifferent as he said, “How do you know it’s not when you claim you don’t know what you want?”

By this time everyone seated at our table was watching us. “I know what I want,” I snapped. “It’s to have my feelings and requests respected, not to have to deal with a whiny jealous jerk who can’t get his own way.” I was shaking, I hated confrontation and he knew that. My hand was so unsteady that I knocked over a glass when I reached for my menu; luckily the glass was empty since I didn’t pour myself any water yet.

“Whiny jealous jerk?” Jordan repeated as Mike told him to just drop it. “No,” he shook his head at Mike and then looked at me. “If that’s how you feel then forget about it.”

“Can we not do this here?”

Jordan glanced around the table, “If not here, where Anna? Over the phone in the middle of the night when you are-”

“Jordan!” I jumped up. “Stop it! Just stop it!” With a sob, I quickly left the table, telling them to order whatever they liked, I didn’t care. Blowing through the exterior doors of the restaurant, I just kept walking until I turned around the far corner of the building. I didn’t want to be there anymore, he ruined what should’ve been one of the best nights ever with Mike being home and Nick being able to come out before the baby is born.

Leaning against the building, I started to wonder if it would ever be possible to have a relationship with Jordan, friends or anything else with the way he was acting. Yes, I knew that it wasn’t easy for him, he was so sure of how he felt and he was ready to be with me, and I knew that I wasn’t being 100% clear with him - I knew I led him on at times - but I didn’t think that he would ever pressure me like this. I always thought that he would respect how I felt and give me time to deal with the feelings I had for Josh. Damn it, I sobbed. It’s only been a week since Josh and I broke up, what the hell does he expect from me??

Groaning, I rubbed my hands over my face and took a deep breath. As much as I wanted to go home, I wanted to stay and hang out with my friends just as much. I decided that’s what I was going to do and if Jordan didn’t like it, then too bad.

“Hey,” I was surprised to see Jordan standing just a little further down from me, watching me, when I turned to go back towards the restaurant.

“Hey,” he spoke to his feet as he stood with his head down and his hands shoved into his pockets.

“I’m not letting you ruin tonight for everyone else,” I walked by him.

He grabbed my arm and spun me back to him. “I don’t mean to ruin anything Anna, I just want some answers. You tell me you love me and then tell me you need time. You call me in the middle of the night, sounding all hot and bothered, telling me you are naked and in a tub full of bubbles but push me away. It drives me insane to see you flirting with another guy when you hold me at arm’s length. So yeah, I’m jealous and maybe a jerk but damn it woman, what the hell do you expect from me?”

“I expect you to give me time Jordan.”

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “But Anna, sooner or later, time will run out.”

I didn’t think much of that statement when he made it because I knew that it was dumb of me to think that he would wait forever for me. I told him that I needed some time to straighten out my feelings, “Give me a month Jordan.”

He raised a brow. “A month?”

“Yes, a month without the pressure to make a decision. A month where you are Jordy, my best friend and not the Jordy who picks fights and is impatient with me.”

He thought it over for a minute. “What happens after a month?”

“Well,” I lifted my shoulders slightly. “Hopefully I will know a little more about what I want in life and I’ll be able to give you some indication on what I would like your role in my life to be.”

“So in a month, you will decide if you just want to be friend?” I nodded, he continued, “Or if you want to be my girlfriend?”

“Yes, I’m hoping that’s how it’ll be if you give me that month Jordan.”
He told me that he needed to think about it. “I’m a little impatient,” he joked.

I smiled, “I know, I don’t really blame you either; I’d want to know if I were you too.”

“So a month?”

“Yes, a month of you being my best friend, locking your feelings for me away and living your life as if they weren’t there.” He seemed confused as to what I meant, so I told him. “I want you to explore other options Jordan - see other women - go visit Olivia like you planned on doing, stuff like that. Stuff a normal good looking single guy does.”

Even though I told him to do it, later that evening, when we were out at the club, I wanted to ring his neck for paying attention to the little blonde baby whore that damn near glued herself to his side the moment we walked in. I say baby whore because that’s what she was, just barely 18 and had a reputation around town as being super easy.

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Mike asked me once as I watched Jordan dance slow with her.

“No,” I shook my head nonchalantly. “If he does anything with her, I’ll never touch him.”

Mike laughed, “Isn’t that what you wanted him to do? Be the single guy?”

With a cold glare, I told Mike that there was a difference between being a single guy and being a sex starved jerk. “Whatever he does, he’s the one who has to live with the consequences.”

As the night progressed, it became pretty clear that he was enjoying her and she was bound and determined to take him home. And me, I did my best to ignore the two of them and get to know Adam.

“I’m here as a favour to Amy,” he told me when I asked how come he was back in town. “I’ve been making a decent living as a photographer - doing portraits and selling framed photos I’ve taken - when Amy told me that she was pregnant, I promised I’d be here to take a billion photos of her, Nick and the baby.”

“That was very nice of you. So you are here until the baby comes?”

He nodded, “Yes and for a week or so after wards. Of course I had to cancel a few jobs that I had scheduled but she’s the closest thing I have to a sister and I want this to be special for her.”

“I can’t think of anything that would make it more special than having your very own private photographer following you around, catching all the good with the bad.” I spotted his camera bag. “Do you have any photos that I can see?”

“It’s kind of dark in here but…” he reached into the bag and produced a smaller camera than the one he used earlier which prompted me to ask him how many cameras he carried with him. “Only two,” he chuckled. “I don’t have many pictures of Amy and Nick yet but you can scroll through those there.” He handed me his camera and watched me scroll.

The first couple photos were different shots of landscapes and buildings, the next few were taken in a park. “Who is this?” I tilted the camera towards him, showing him the up-close picture of him with a pretty redhead.

“Oh,” he grinned as he looked adorningly at the girl in the photo. “That’s Caitlin, my fiancée. She wanted to come with me but she’s a caterer so she’s really busy this time of year.”

“You’re getting married?” I was a little stun to say the least.

“Next May.”

“Wow,” I quickly turned my attention back to the photo, he looked extremely happy with her. “Congratulations, she looks nice.”

I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t a little disappointed that he was seriously involved with someone; there was always something about your first crush that made you wish he was pining away for you, even if he didn’t know you existed when you liked him and you no longer cared about him like that. Or maybe I was just being unreasonable?

We talked for a while, danced a little, laughed and joked with everyone. It was a good night on the whole…

Except for baby whore.

Jordan had come back to our table without her around 1:30. Just before two, she came bouncing over and threw her arms around his neck. I happened to glance over at them, something I had been avoiding all night, when she caught my eye as she leaned in to whisper something in Jordan’s ear. Jordan nodded, stood up and grabbed his jacket. She gave me a smug look and stuck out her tongue before dragging him away. They headed for the door.

Two o’clock, I was yawning continuously, so I make my excuses and headed out to call a cab. It was a cool summer night, the breeze felt great after being in the hot cramped bar for most of the night. Making my way towards the front of the building, I pulled my cell out of my pocket only to realize that I had a text message from Scott.

1 am. Still at work. Bored. Save me?

Instead of calling the cab that I planned on, I hit reply.

Standing outside a bar, stone cold sober, waiting for a cab. Saviour material?

As I sent the message to him, I felt that there was someone standing behind me, looking over my shoulder. Jerking my phone towards my chest, I glanced to my right and came face to face with Jordan as my phone started to ring.

Without saying anything to him, I answered it, knowing it was Scott before even looking at the caller ID.

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Whole Lotta Snapping Going On

When I told Zack and Mary that I was going out with Mike and Amy, Zack took me aside and asked for more details. At first I was a little offended by his questioning but once he explained that he was still concerned about the fact that I passed out, I relaxed and told him what Mike told me.

“Promise me you won’t drink,” Zack demanded once I finished. “We don’t know what happened and I don’t want to receive a call tonight telling me that you are in the hospital somewhere.”

Just because I’m a good sister and I wasn’t really in the mood to drink at all, I promised Zack that I’d stick to pop or water all night and then excused myself to go shower and get ready.

It was just a couple minutes after 5 when I pulled my car up parallel to the curb in front of Jordan’s parent’s house that evening. As I stepped out of my car, my gaze focused on the very familiar truck sitting across the road from my car.

“Jordy,” I whispered.

It had been a whole six days since I saw him last and four days since I called him in the middle of the night. I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t a little weary about his reaction when he saw me that night, I knew he was still upset with my inability to just throw caution to the wind and jump his bones - he would’ve called me if he wasn’t.

I had to stop myself from running up the drive and bouncing onto the front steps. Yes, I was weary about his reaction but I was also very excited to see him; I wanted to know if I felt different being around him now that I acknowledged that yes, I have feelings - romantic feelings - for him.

Mike answered my knock on the door with a huge smile on his face; I wanted to ask him if he gotten lucky before I arrived but I didn’t. “Anna!” He grabbed me by the hands, capturing me in his arms as he gave me a kiss on the lips. “Baby if I was straight -”

“You’d be a girl,” I joked.

He thought about that for a second, nodded thoughtfully as he told me to come on in. “We are in the living room, we were just waiting for you to get here before we left.”

“Wasn’t it only going to be Amy, you and me?”

“It was supposed to be but Nick can’t bear to let Amy out of his sight now that she’s about to pop any minute,” Mike informed me. “When Nick insisted on coming, I asked Eric to come with us as well.”

“Oh,” I tried hard not to pout about being the only one without a ‘partner’.
“So Nick and Amy are here?”

“Nope,” he turned the corner and walked into the living room. “We have to pick them up at home before we head to the restaurant. Ok Eric and Jordan, come on, let’s get this show on the road!”

Just after Mike told them to come on, his mom said something about getting him the keys to their van. “Mom, I’m not driving the van!”

“Yes, you are,” Harriet insisted. “The van is a lot easier for Amy to get in and out of and besides, this way you don’t have to take two cars.”

While Mike followed Harriet out of the room, I let my gaze travel over the room until my eyes landed on Jordan; the smile I was in the process of flashing him died on my lips. Instead of the happy Jordan I expected, I found a cranky looking, ticked off man. “Hey,” I offered weakly as my heart sank. I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I hated when I did something to upset him.

Jordan didn’t have time to reply before Mike came back with the van keys dangling from his hand; not that it looked like he was going to say anything anyway.

Outside, by the van, it took all of three seconds for me to realize just how bad this night was going to be, when Mike hit the button to automatically open the van’s dual sliding door, I got in the back seat and Jordan plopped his butt into the middle row.

“What are you doing?” Mike questioned before I had a chance to ask. “Why are you sitting in the middle?”

Jordan shrugged, “I feel like it.”

Mike glanced at me, I looked away. “Okay,” he said slowly as he turned around again.

The drive to Nick and Amy’s was really silent, uncomfortably silent. The whole time I was staring at the back of Jordan’s head, trying to will him to turn around to talk to me. He didn’t of course.

“I’ll just be a minute,” Mike mumbled before jumping out of the van to run up to Nick’s door. I swear you could actually hear crickets chirping as I watched Mike disappear into the house.

I gave it a few seconds before I sighed and leaned forward, poking Jordan’s shoulder. “Are you really going to ignore me all night?”

Turning his head only enough to say he turned but not enough to actually look at me, he replied. “I can’t think of anything I want to say to you right now.”

“Oh.” I was reeling, his cold, emotionless words hurt more than I thought possible. I was glad he wasn’t looking because I didn’t want him to see how much it affected me. I turned to stare out the window, telling myself that it wasn’t bad enough to cry over, even if that was what I felt like doing. Luckily for me, the door to Nick’s opened and Mike emerged with Nick and Amy in tow.

“Hey,” I squinted in the sunlight, trying to get a better look. “Who is with Nick and Amy?” I blinked once and gasped. “Oh my God! Is that Adam?” I turned around to look at Jordan but he was too busy shooting Adam dirty looks to reply.

“Who’s Adam?” Eric inquired as he turned around.

I smiled, I knew Adam very well, although it had been a few years since I saw him. “Adam is Amy’s cousin, he was sent to live with Amy’s family when his mother checked herself into rehab when he was 10; he lived with them until he was 21.”

And he was my first ‘crush’, I thought as the side doors slid open. It was a long time ago, he was six years older than me and I thought he was the cutest thing ever back then with his dark brown eyes, wild curly locks, crooked smile and big geeky glasses but he didn’t know I existed at all.

“Quit drooling,” Jordan’s jealous tone snapped me back to reality. I raised a brow in his direction, he rolled his eyes, mumbled something about, ‘every one but me,” and spun around to brood in his seat.

“Well, well, well,” I turned back in time to see Adam’s crooked smile aimed at me as his eyes travelled down over my body and back up again. “My Anna, you’ve certainly grown.”

Blushing, I said thanks.

“Don’t move,” he said suddenly as he grabbed for the bag that he placed on the seat beside him when he slid into the van. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jordan trying to see what was going on without being obvious about it. “I think…” Adam reached into his bag as he stared at my face. Pulling out the fanciest camera I’ve ever seen, he fiddled around with it and then pointed it at me. “Perfect,” he told me as he took a series of photos of me, all looking a little confused, I’d imagine.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Come Again?

I was starving. That was the first thought I had when I rolled over and glanced at the clock. 8:30am, I ran my hand over my face, shocked that I slept the entire drive home and the whole night. “Well,” I groaned as I shoved back the covers. “I didn’t get much sleep the night before.”

In a sleepy daze, I wandered out of my room, through the family room and up the stairs towards the kitchen. When I pushed open the kitchen door, Zack and Mary, who were seated at the table, eating breakfast looked up. “Hey guys,” I yawned. “Do we have any Fruit Loops? I’m craving them right now.”

I had turned towards the pantry but I still managed to catch the look that passed between them as they watched me locate the container with the Fruit Loops on its usual shelf with the other cereals. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to be back home,” I walked over to the cupboard to grab a bowl and spoon before taking my normal seat at the table. “I loved spending time with the girls but I wasn’t sorry to leave that hotel yesterday.” Pouring some milk over the cereal I just dumped into my bowl, I told them that maybe the next time I’d take the girls camping or something.

I didn’t notice that neither one of them said anything at all until a couple spoonfuls into my cereal. “Zack? Mary?” I looked from one to the other and back again, confused as to why they were sitting there with their jaws opened, just staring at me like I was crazy. “Why are you two looking at me like that?”

Zack looked at Mary, Mary motioned towards me and mouthed, what looked like, ‘go on, ask her.’ With a worried look in his eye, Zack turned back to me and asked me what day I thought it was.

I laughed, “What day? What kind of question is that Zack? It’s Friday,” I hesitated. “July 6th.”

“What’s the last thing you remember Anna?”

“Asking Cassie if she felt like driving home from the city yesterday, I had a terrible headache.” Zack glanced at Mary. “What’s going on guys? Why are you asking me these questions?”

“Anna,” Zack pushed his chair back from the table and stood up. Without saying another word to me, he left the room only to come back a few minutes later with his cell phone in hand. “Tell me what it says on the screen.”

“What?” I took the cell when he held it out to me. “Why? What’s going on guys?” They didn’t say anything. “Come on, you are scaring me!”

“Read the screen,” Zack demanded.

“Ok…umm,” I looked down at his cell. “8:50 am, Sat - wait!” I shook my head. “That can’t be right.”

“It is,” Zack reached over and took his phone from me. “It’s Saturday Anna, the girls came home with you passed out in the backseat Thursday evening and you’ve been sleeping ever since. We tried to wake you a couple times but you barely responded.”

I was still shaking my head, I didn’t want to believe what he was saying, I never slept that long in my life. “You couldn’t have tried -”

“We did Anna!” He snapped at me. “Now I want you to be honest with me.”

“About what Zack?” I didn’t understand why he was so upset.

“What did you take?”

“Take?” I shook my head. “I don’t know what you mean Zack.”

“Don’t play dumb with me Anna, I want to know what the hell you were taking when you were supposed to be watching my girls! I swear to God Anna, if you so much as shot up or popped anything while they were in the room, it‘ll be the last thing you ever do around them.” He grabbed my arms, frantically pushing the sleeves of my sweatshirt up. “I won’t have drugs around my girls Anna!”

“Drugs?” I repeated as the whole situation came crystal clear to me - he thought I was high when I passed out. “I wasn’t taking anything Zack! I don’t do drugs! You know that!” I pulled away from him. “You know that!”

“Then what the hell happened Anna? How do you explain passing out and us not being able to wake you?”

“I was tired,” I yelled at him. “I haven’t been sleeping that much because of what’s been going on.” He didn’t look like he believed me. “I was tired,” I repeated. “I had a headache and I just wanted to close my eyes for a little while. I didn’t take anything, not even Advil, I swear!”

Silence settled over the kitchen. I was so upset at Zack for thinking I would do something stupid like that. Plus, I was scared because it was the first time he ever looked at me with that cold hardness that consumed him when he was on the job. “I would never take drugs Zack, you know I wouldn’t.”

The whole time he was going on about the drugs he thought I was taking, his whole body was rigid but when I finished speaking, his shoulders slumped and his head dropped forward. “We could wake you Anna.”

“I didn’t take anything Zack. I’ll take a drug test if you don’t believe me.”

For a moment, I thought he was going to say yes but instead he slowly shook his head, “No,” he looked up at me, “I believe you, you wouldn’t do something that stupid. We just…I just over reacted Anna because you’ve been acting different lately.”

I spent the rest of the morning outside in the back yard with Zack. He insisted that he needed help around the yard but I knew he was worried about me and thought spending time with me would ease his fears. I didn’t mind though, I didn’t often get to spend quality time with him because of his job and his family. For a couple hours, I was ‘transported’ back to a time when life was carefree, my parents were alive and he was my brother, Zacky.

“You know,” I said to him at one point during the morning. “For a brother, you aren’t half bad at all.”

Laughing, he told me that I was and always will be a pain in his ass.

Some time late that afternoon Zack poked his head into my room. “Anna phone’s for you, it’s Mike.”

“Mike?” I turned from my computer screen, away from the IM conversation that I was having with Scott while he worked. “What does he want?” I wondered out loud.

“Beats me,” Zack shrugged as he handed me the phone and wandered back out into the family room where he was watching a movie with Mary.

After quickly typing a message to Scott, to tell him I would be a couple minutes, I brought the phone to my ear. “Hey Mike, what’s up?”

“I knew Jordan was wrong,” he exclaimed excitedly. “I told him that you weren’t still in the city but he insisted that you were.”

Frowning, I told Mike that I hadn’t talked to Jordan for a couple days.

“Oh well that explains why he’s all grumpy.”

“You’ve talked to him?” I played nervously with my hair. “Did he say that he’s still mad with me?”

Mike laughed, “With the dirty looks he give me every time I mention hanging out with you this week, I don’t think he’s so much mad as -”

“Wait? Dirty looks? Jordan is in the city?”

“No Anna,” Mike chuckled. “Eric and I came out yesterday for the week, remember?”

“Oh!” I couldn’t believe that I forgot.

“Yeah, so we are here. It’s Saturday night and I’m stealing my brothers’ women for a night on the town, dinner and dancing. So get pretty and be here less than an hour or I’m gonna come drag you out in your pjs!”

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Losing Control

I turned to give the girls a questioning look but they seemed just as confused as I was. “Where are we going Scott?”

Pausing briefly he smiled over his shoulder at me, “Just trust me Anna, you’ll have a great meal without all the….” he made a face.

“Yes,” I grinned. “That sounds good to me, lead the way.”

Not needing any more prompting, Scott led us towards the double doors that stood closed between the front desk and the entrance of the restaurant. “Now,” he stopped at his hand curled around the handle of the door in the right. “This isn’t fancy or anything and to be honest, it smells a little stale because of the cigarette smoke but…” he gave me a helpless look. “Try to see past that?”

“Ok,” I said a little hesitantly as I walked behind him into the dark room. Once in the room, he left of for a moment to go turn on a light or two and the girls all gathered around me.

“Aunt Anna? What is this?”

I shrugged as the lights came on, “I don’t know Cass, I think he’s trying to make up for our breakfast not going the way he had hoped.”

“Oh,” she nodded slowly as she watched me. “What happened?”

I didn’t really want to tell them because I didn’t want them to think I overreacted but after leading them over to a table just to our left which had been set up with cutlery, napkins and five glasses of ice water along with menus. As we sipped our water and waited for Scott to come back, I found myself telling them about Tessa’s appearance at our table. “I just know she’s going to keep being rude and yes, I know we only have a couple more days here but still, I don’t want that stress. I don’t need that stress.”

“You’re right,” Lindsay said seriously. “You don’t need her attitude Aunt Anna and you certainly don’t need Scott.” I raised a brow in her direction and she nodded firmly. “You don’t need another guy in your life, you have two guys who would do anything for you; all you have to do is ask!”

I was about to tell her that she didn’t know what she was talking about when Scott walked back into the room with a tray holding a couple pitchers of ice water and a notepad and pencil. “Hey ladies,” he grinned as he sauntered over to us. “I see you made yourselves comfortable, good.” He placed the tray on the table and posed with the pen to his notepad. “What would you like to have for breakfast?”

The girls all started speaking at once, apparently they were really hungry, it was fun to see him scrambling to get everything they were saying. When they fell silent, he was still writing furiously. “Ok,” he ran a hand through his hair and stared at the notepad. “Cassie - ham/cheese omelette with brown toast, orange juice and a side order of bacon. Lindsay - French toast, white, no powered sugar, extra syrup, extra bacon with chocolate milk. Natalie - scrambled eggs, sausage, white toast with peanut butter and raspberry jam and a glass of white milk.” He paused, looking to the girls for confirmation; they nodded happily.

“Ok then,” he smiled and turned to me. “That just leaves you. What would you like Anna?”

If it was any other guy, I think I would’ve been all flirty and say him but I just wasn’t in the right mood for that. “Umm,” I glanced at the menu one more time and then told him I would like pancakes, bacon and orange juice.

When he left to place our order, I started to feel wrong about even being there with him; he wasn’t what I wanted at all. Jordan was.

“I have to make a phone call,” I told the girls as I got up from the table with my cell in my hand.

“Oh no you don’t!” Cassie jumped up after me, ripping my phone from my hand. “You aren’t calling Jordan Aunt Anna! You can wait a couple days before you make a fool of yourself with him.”

“I just want to talk to him Cassie,” I tried to express the great importance of calling him but she wasn’t buying it, she told me that this trip was about hanging out with them not calling Jordan or anyone else all the time.

“You talked to him last night,” she reminded me, like I needed to be reminded. “He is working right now, so just sit down and enjoy yourself for the love of God! It won’t kill you to not think about a guy for five minutes Aunt Anna!”

I have to admit I was a little offended by that comment. “Well Cassie,” I snatched my phone back from her. “I believe you were the one who just had to invite Scott, a guy, along to our breakfast this morning after me clearly telling him that this trip was about you and your sisters. I didn’t want to see him because I didn’t want to ‘think about guys’ but you just had to butt in, didn’t you? God!” I threw my hands up in frustration. “You are just like your father! When something doesn’t go the way he thinks it should, it’s everyone’s fault but his!”

Cassie glared at me, “Well Aunt Anna that’s a Christensen trait, one you’ve perfected!

“Yeah well…” I stopped myself from continuing, I didn’t want to argue with Cassie about this. “Just…” I sighed. “Cass, I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you, let’s just sit down and make the most out of this breakfast.” She looked so stubborn; she looked just like me when I thought I was right. “Please?”

Grudgingly, she agreed.

When Scott came back from placing our order, he walked into a room totally different than the one he left. I knew that he knew something was going on but I didn’t really wish to get into it with him. Even when the girls went over to play pool after Scott opened up the table, I still didn’t feel comfortable enough to spill my troubles to him.

The rest of our trip passed by without much excitement, it was hard to be happy when my niece was holding on to her resentment from the argument we had. Before we left the hotel, Scott gave me his number and IM address and asked me to look him up when I got home. I told him I would, and I knew I would but I couldn’t promise much, if anything would come out of it.

I thought the trip home would be the longest three hours of my life, with Cassie not talking to me, the other girls were quieter than usual. I pulled onto the highway, the stress headache that was bugging me for the last couple hours heightened and I had to pull off to the side of the road again. The girls told me later that when I turned around to look at them, I was whiter than they ever seen me before.

“Cassie,” I blinked through the tears that were forming from the pain I was experiencing. “Could you please take us home?”

I could see the worry in her eyes as she shot forward from her resting place in the back seat of my car. “Are you ok Aunt Anna?” She reached out to touch my forehead but I moved away.

“Yeah,” I gave the best smile I could but I knew it would look fake to them. “I just…” I looked away. “Could you drive please?”

“Yeah, sure,” she replied as her seatbelt slipped back over her shoulder while she reached for the door handle.

Once we had changed places and Cassie reassured me that she knew where we were going, I relaxed against the seat and stared out the window.

I think a field of green grass with a bunch of cows surrounding a small watering hole was the last thing I saw before everything went black.