Saturday, March 31, 2007

Don't Ask Me

Jordan finding out that he had a daughter pretty much ended the party. He wasn’t in the mood to celebrate, he only had one thing on his mind, and who could blame him? He went back inside the pub still looking kind of dazed and told his friends that for him the party was over, they were welcomed to stay but he was leaving.

On his way out the door, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along. “What are you doing?” I asked him but he didn’t turn around or even acknowledge me until we reached Nick’s car.

“We have to talk,” he told me as he tried to open Nick’s car doors, they were locked. “Damnit!” He pounded his fist off the roof of the car.

“Hey!” Nick shouted from halfway across the parking lot. “Don’t be beating up my car!”

“Sorry man,” Jordan mumbled without really looking at him as he joined us along with Amy. “We need to talk,” he repeated grabbing my hand again. I told him we would but maybe we should go somewhere were we could talk uninterrupted. “How about home? You do remember where that is, right?”

“Jordan!” I slapped him across the arm. “Of course I know where that is.”

He laughed, “I was just checking,” he looked around. “So you’ll drive?”

I went to say ‘sure’ when I remembered that I came with Josh. “Where is Josh?” I asked. Nick told me that he was still inside, that he saw Jordan pull me out of the pub but didn’t know if he was supposed to follow or not. I groaned; please don’t let him be in a mood now.

Returning to the pub, I saw Josh sitting my himself on a chair in the far corner of where we set up for the party, he didn’t see me as I walked up to him. Leaning down behind him, I slipped my hands down over his chest as I traced his ear lobe with my tongue. “Hey Handsome, think your girlfriend will mind if I take you home?”

Josh turned his head slightly to the right and smiled, “Mind? She’ll claw your eyes out just for thinking it!”

I laughed as I moved around to stand in front of him; he rose to his feet and pulled me into his arms. “She’s got a little bit of a jealous streak?” I asked while I pressed tiny kisses to his neck.

“Yes, she does,” He stated. “But for you, she might be willing to look the other way.”

I raised a brow, “Oh really?”

He nodded, “Yes I believe she would see that there really is no difference between you and her.”

I laughed, “God this is getting strange.” I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him down to give him a quick kiss. “Josh, is it alright if we leave here?”

His smile faded as he looked around, “Leave here? But I was having such a blast sitting by myself.” It wasn’t until he spoke the last couple words that I saw the grin that he was trying to hide. “Sure we can leave, where did you want to go?”

I told him that Jordan wanted to talk and that the best place to talk seemed to be at the house, I watched his face as I spoke, trying to figure out if he was ok with that or not. He slipped his hand on my back and guided me towards the door. “I’m sure Jordan has to have a lot of questions, some of which you can’t even answer but it will do him some good if you can tell him a little about his daughter.” Josh gave a little chuckle. “Sorry,” he said when I shot him a look, “I just can’t believe he has a kid and he didn’t know about her.” He stopped in his tracks, “I can’t even imagine what he feels right now. To not have known about her?” Josh just shook his head and we continued on out of the pub.

When Jordan, Josh and I arrived at the house, Nick and Amy were already there waiting for us. “I hope it’s ok that we are here bro.”

Jordan didn’t say anything but he did nod and to tell you the truth he did look a little happy to see that his brother was there for him.

Once inside we all settled around the kitchen table and that’s when the flood of questions flew from Jordan’s mouth. I really couldn’t believe that he kept them inside as long as he did. “When did you meet them? What does she look like? Is she talking? Walking? Hell what do kids do at her age? How old is she? Was Heather there? No, of course not, you would’ve known right away Jenna was mine.” He stopped for a second and took a breath, “I have a daughter,” he shook his head. “I keep thinking this is a dream and I’ll wake up.” He frowned, “But I have a feeling if it was a dream and not real at all, I’d be upset.” He glanced around the table, “Is that crazy?”

Through the chorus’ of ‘no, that’s not crazy’ Jordan’s attention focused on me again. “Babe you have to tell me everything.”

I nodded while I tried to figure out where to start. I told him about the first time I met Hank and Jenna, how I thought they were up to something because he kept walking through the department. I told him the conversation that Hank and I had that night, about Heather and her family, even what Hank said about him.

“You know I never cheated on her.” Jordan sat forward on the edge of his chair, “I can’t believe that he thinks Heather’s father actually likes me. The guy crosses the street when he sees me coming and he rather take his vehicles down the road and get changed more for a crap job than bring them into the shop. Although,” Jordan paused for a moment. “The guys told me that he did come into the shop while I was off, they said he was looking for me. What do you suppose he wanted?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know Jordy.”

Jordan got lost in thought for a moment, and then he turned to me again. “Tell me about her. What does she look like?”

When I told him that Jenna was beautiful, I wasn’t kidding. “She has so much hair Jordy; it’s so blond and curly. Her eyes are almost the exact same color as yours, it was her eyes that I recognized but I couldn’t put my finger on.” I jumped up and went into the living room where we dropped the posters of the pictures of the guys. I grabbed the one board with most of their baby pictures. “I’ve been staring at these pictures for the last couple days and it still didn’t hit me until Hank freaked tonight,” Josh moved the stuff from the center of the table for me. “She looks like you did here Jordy.” I pointed to a picture of Jordan and Nick when they were about a year old; they were in the bath playing. Jordan was chewing on a rubber duck as Nicky tried to grab it from him.

Both the guys looked over the picture. “Anna,” Jordan gave a little chuckle. “She looks like me, or Nick?” Everyone seemed to stop breathing when he said that, he looked around the table. “What?” He picked up the board and turned it around, “We are identical.”

I rolled my eyes, “Jordan watch what you are saying, people might not understand.”

“Well we are,” he looked at Nick. “Right?”

“Yes dumbass, we are identical. Only I’m not stupid enough to make a comment where people would think that you fathered my child.”

Jordan tossed the poster onto the table, “I didn’t mean that! I know you didn’t…you wouldn’t. Argh!” He put his hands on his head and squeezed his hair in his hands. “I don’t know what to do. I want to see her, I want to talk to Heather and tell her I know. I want answers, I have so many questions.” He looked up at no one in particular, “I just need to talk it out.”

“Well, you can -” I started to offer him some advice when he stopped me.

“No offense Anna but,” he turned his attention to Josh. “I know I’ve been a jerk towards you but do you think we could talk? You are the only one I know who even remotely comes close to being in my situation.”

Josh nodded, “I don’t know if I’ll be of any help but ok.”

I watched as Jordan and Josh got up and went into the living room, Jordan wanted to talk to Josh alone. I couldn’t even begin to describe the hurt that I felt, it was the first time Jordan had ever gone to anyone else for advice and the fact that it was Josh, who he didn’t even get along with up to this point. Well, I knew that it would be good for them to talk, that Josh might be able to shed some light on a rather dark subject area but still, it hurt to be excluded.

“Anna,” Nick reached out and placed his hand on my arm. “Don’t be upset with him, you just don’t have any experience in this area.”

I shook Nick’s hand off and excused myself. I headed for my bedroom, stopping to look in on them as I passed by; they were so deep in conversation that they didn’t even notice I was there. Feeling deleted and defeated, I made my way to my room and crawled into bed.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Life Isn't All Fun And Games

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! My jaw dropped as I stared at the guys, both of them were looking at me. “Was that Hank?” Josh asked as he stepped closer to me.

“Yes, I…” I turned back to were Hank was. “I have to stop him!” I took off towards the door calling his name as I ran into the parking lot.

“What do you want?” He asked as I caught up to him at his car.

“I’m an idiot, I didn’t realize that,” I stopped. “Hank,” I reached out and placed my hand on his arm. “Why don’t you come back inside? We can talk about this, ok?”

Hank stared at me in disbelief before he threw his head back and laughed, “I think I’m through talking to you. All this time I thought you were impartial and the whole time you were…” he laughed again. “Well I don’t know what you were but you had me fooled.”

“Hank, come on it wasn’t like that.” He rolled his eyes and went to unlock his door. “No!” I grabbed his keys. “You are going to listen to me.”

“Anna, give me back my keys. I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.” He went to grab his keys back but I moved out of his way. “Come on,” he tried to get them again. “Anna!” He grabbed hold of me with one hand while his other hand went for his keys.

I didn’t have time to try to escape his hold, I heard running and I felt Hank being pulled away from me. “Get you hands off her now!” I looked up to see Josh angrier than I ever saw him before, he shoved Hank backwards. “Touch her again and I swear to God I’ll kill you.”

Hank glared at him, “I wouldn’t have touched her then but she wouldn’t give me back my keys so I could get the hell out of here.”

Josh turned to me and held out his hand. I stared at him and wished I had time to explain what was going on but I didn’t. “I can’t.” I told him as I backed way, “I can’t let him go.”

“Why the hell not?” Josh snapped.

“Well she can’t play with people’s lives if she lets me go.” Hank told him and then turned to me. “Don’t mess with me Anna, just give me my keys and forget you ever met me.”

I stared at Hank’s open hand before glancing at the guys, “I didn’t know Hank.”

He laughed, “The hell you didn’t! I could’ve known you had an ulterior motive when you invited me to come here tonight. How stupid am I that I didn’t see it?”

“Hank I swear I didn’t know until just before you walked out just now. Why would I? It’s not like I was looking for it!”

Hank didn’t say anything; he just stood there with this expression on his face that I couldn’t quite figure out.

“Hey guys, what’s going on here?” Nick had come up to us as Hank and I were talking, he was standing almost behind Jordan, leaning looking over his shoulder. “The party is inside you know.”

Hank’s head snapped in their direction. “There are two of them?” He gave me this shocked look.

I nodded and then sighed, “Hank this is Josh, my boyfriend. And my best friends Jordan and Nicky.” I pointed to each of them as I said their names.

He stood there looking back and forth behind the guys as I introduced them. When I said Jordan’s name Hank muttered, ‘son of a bitch’ as he leapt forward and knocked him to the ground. It all seemed like it was going in slow motion, Hank was kneeling over Jordan and he drew back his arm, delivering a blow right into his jaw.

“Nooooo!” I screamed and lunged forward to stop Hank from hitting Jordan again but Josh got there before me. He pulled Hank off Jordan with so little effort, I was impressed. If my best friend wasn’t lying on the ground, I probably would’ve stood there and admired Josh’s strength. “Jordy!” I feel to my knees at his side and reached for his face. “Are you ok?”

Jordan nodded slowly and glared over my shoulder at Hank, who was struggling to get free of Josh’s grip. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Let me go!” Hank tried to swing at Josh, “That bastard needs to die.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jordan struggled to his feet, brushing off any efforts from Nick or me to help him. “I don’t know who the hell you are buddy, but you need some serious help.” Hank gave me this look which made Jordan frown, “What’s going on? Who is he?”

“He’s Heather’s boyfriend,” I whispered.

“What?” Jordan grabbed hold up my shoulders and turned me to face him, “What did you just say?”

“She said I’m Heather’s boyfriend,” Hank told him.

Jordan’s hands on my arms tightened, “Heather?” I found I couldn’t look up at him, I knew what I would see in his eyes if I did. Heather was Jordan’s last girlfriend, and as far as he was concerned, she was the only one for him. He loved her more than he ever loved anyone else and she left him without so much as ‘goodbye’ almost two years ago. “My Heather?” His whispered voice broke as he said her name again.

“Yes,” I nodded, still unable to look up at him.

“You knew this and you invited him here?”

“No!” My head snapped up. “I didn’t know the Heather he mentioned was your ex Jordan, I swear I didn’t!”

“She’s in town.” His eyes lit up, “She is, right?”

Hank tried to kick as Jordan but Josh still had hold of him. “You’ll stay the hell away from her!”

“Try and stop me!” Jordan snapped at him.

“You think she wants to see you after what you did to her?” He laughed, “Whatever your plan was Anna, it has backfired, he’ll never get to see her. After the things he said, he doesn’t deserve to see her.”

“Hank, shut up! You have no idea what you are talking about. Whatever Heather told you about Jordan is completely wrong, he would never deny her.”

He smiled down at me, “So you would be the best friend that Heather told me about,” he sneered. “She did say you were always butting into things that you knew nothing about and were none of your business.”

I wanted to slap him, in fact I almost did. “If Jordan knew, then I would’ve known and Heather would never have left town. He wouldn’t have let her!”

“Oh he knew looks like he didn’t tell you everything after all.”

Jordan tried to get my attention, “What are you talking about? What did I know? Where is Heather?”

I turned to Jordan, “I swear I didn’t know.”

“What didn’t you didn’t you know? What is he talking about?”

“Jordy,” I shook my head. “I should’ve known, the moment I saw her I thought she looked so familiar, but I didn’t see it.”

“Saw who? Anna, I’m sure Heather hasn’t changed that much since she’s been gone.”

“No, Jordy. Not Heather, Jenna.”

Jordan’s expression told me that he didn’t know what I was talking about, he gripped my arms, “Come on babe you aren’t making any sense. Who the hell is Jenna and what does she have to do with Heather.”

“Jordy,” I put my hands on his waist and made him move backwards until he was leaning against the car behind him. “When Heather left town she was pregnant. Jenna is her daughter,” I put my hands on his chest and gazed into his eyes. “Your daughter.”

“That’s not funny,” he searched my eyes for some hint that I was kidding. “Anna, stop kidding around.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at this point, so I did both. “I’m not kidding Jordy, I’ve seen her,” I touched his face. “She has your eyes and your mouth. Babe, you have a beautiful little girl.”

I could feel his jaw tremble in my hands; he was shocked and scared all at the same time. “She didn’t tell me.” I shook my head, “Anna why didn’t she tell me about the baby?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well this is fun and all but I’d like to go home.” Hank piped up.

Jordan pushed off the car and was standing in front of Hank before I could stop him. “Where is Heather?”

Hank glared at him and refused to say anything so I did. “She’s out of town with her parents and Jenna.”

“Where?” He asked me. I glanced at Hank, who was shaking his head. I didn’t know if I should say anything or not. “Anna you have to tell me, I have to talk to her. I have to see my daughter.” When he uttered those words, ‘my daughter’ he tumbled backwards as if he had been struck by something. “Oh my God, I have a daughter. I’m a father,” he looked around frantically until he spotted his brother. “I don’t know how to be a father, what if I screw it up? What if I’m like dad?”

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Pub Talk

I gave Hank a smile, “Thank you, my boyfriend says the same thing to me everyday.”

Confusion briefly crossed his face, then his eyes widened, “No, I didn’t mean it…Well I did mean it but I just meant…” he sighed. “I was just giving you a compliment.”

“Come on,” I said motioning towards the bar. “Let’s go get you something to drink and then I’ll introduce you to some people.”

Hank didn’t say anything as we walked to the bar and got him a beer, he seemed embarrassed still about the compliment he gave me. “Listen, I don’t know if this was a good idea, I feel guilty about being here.”

“What?” I stopped him from walking further. “Why would you feel that way?”

Hank glanced around and then rested against a nearby stool then played with the beer bottle in his hand. “Anna?” He looked up at me, “Do you have a few minutes to talk? Or do you have to get back to your friends?”

As he asked that I looked around to see where Josh was. He was leaning against one of the pool tables in the bar of the pub with Jordan. Both of them were watching us and neither one looked happy. I held up my hand with all my fingers stretched out, “Five minutes”, I mouthed. Josh crossed his arms over his chest, further showing his displeasure, and shook his head. When I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest he looked at Jordan and they spoke for a second. Josh turned back to look at me, shrugged his shoulders and then pushed off the pool table. Jordan did the same thing as Josh did, although he also added a dirty look.

“Ok,” I turned back to Hank. “What’s on your mind?”

“You sure?” Hank asked as he took a sip of his beer.

I nodded, “Oh yes, my boyfriend is very understanding.”

“Lucky you, I don’t know if I would be so understanding in his place.”

“Well you’ll get to meet him soon and you’ll see he’s the best,” I smiled. “So what’s on your mind Hank? Why would you feel guilty about being here?”

“I tried to call my girlfriend earlier to tell her about coming here but her father answered the phone and pretty much told me that she didn’t want to talk to me. I know that’s no true, he doesn’t want her to talk to me.” He shook his head, “I don’t know what his problem is, I really don’t. Do I seem like a bad guy to you?”

“No Hank you don’t,” I pulled up a stool and sat down with him. “I don’t know you that well but I’m pretty sure you aren’t a bad guy. Your girlfriend trusts you to be alone with her daughter while she’s at work, so you have to be a pretty good guy.”

“Her father doesn’t think so. He keeps telling her that she can do better and has actually tried to get her to call her ex up while I’m sitting in the room.”

“Hank why would her father do that? Why don’t you tell me what you know about her ex?”

“All I know is he got her pregnant and didn’t own up to his responsibility when she told him. Heather told me that her father just adored her ex and hasn’t gotten over their break up.” He looked at me, “Why what are you thinking?”

I sighed, “Well Hank I have to tell you, if I were in your girlfriends place and I truly cared about you, then no one would keep me from being with you and I wouldn’t tolerate anyone making you feel like you weren’t good enough.”

He stood up, “You don’t think she loves me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t.”

“Well that’s just great,” he laughed. “Thanks for the beer and the ‘help’ Anna.”

He started to turn for the door but I grabbed his arm. “Hank wait, look I know you don’t want to hear it but you have to admit, you’ve been wondering the same thing lately.”

“Anna, is everything ok?”

Hank and I turned at the sound of a new voice; standing beside us was both Josh and Jordan. “Guys everything is fine.” I turned back to Hank, “Are you ok?” All the color had drained from his face as he stared at the guys. “Hank?”

His eyes slowly slid back over to me, “I can see why you’d say that about my girlfriend now. I can’t believe you Anna.” There was no stopping him at that point, he grabbed his jacket and stormed towards the door muttering under his breath about being a fool and not seeing it.

I stared at his receding profile in utter shock, why would I care about his relationship? What difference would it make to me? I spun around and stared at the guys about to ask them what happened when it hit me. Oh my god!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Let The Party Begin

Josh was half wake as he rolled onto his side towards me. “You are evil,” he mumbled as my cell phone rang for the second time. We knew my phone would ring around this time; we were prepared for it, “Are you going to answer it?”

Pushing myself into a sitting position I held my cell in my hand, “Just letting it ring once more,” the third ring came. Flipping my phone open, I said hello and waited.

“You are dead! I hate you!” Beside me Josh chuckled, he heard what Jordan had said, it wasn’t that difficult for him to hear since Jordan was speaking so loudly.

I laughed, “Oh that sucks because I love you Jordy.”

“Anna how could you do it? Why would you do it?” He asked with a groan.

“Because I wanted to wish you a ‘happy birthday’ at the right time.”

“Are you crazy? Did I do something to upset you, is that why would you set your alarm clock to go off at three in the morning?”

“Happy Birthday Jordan.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He yawned.

“So we’ll see you tonight?”

“Yeah,” he yawned again. I went to hang up but he stopped me. “One more thing Anna.”

“What’s that?”

He didn’t say anything for a moment but I heard some rustling around on his side of the phone. “Just so you know because you woke me up and I don’t feel like moving, I’m sleeping in your bed for the rest of the night.”

I glanced at Josh who could still hear Jordan; he shrugged and went to lie back down. “Ok Jordy.”

“Oh I’m also horny and naked. Night.” Jordan hung up the phone.

I sat there staring at the phone hoping that I didn’t hear him correctly but one glance at Josh told me I did, he was laughing into his pillow. “It’s not funny! I’m going to have to burn my bed now!” But he didn’t see it that way, my reaction only made him laugh harder. “It’s not funny,” I repeated as he pulled me into his arms again.

“I don’t really think that he is naked Anna.”

“You don’t know Jordan that well then, he could very well be naked and…” I couldn’t even say it.

Josh kissed my shoulder, “Then we’ll go looking for a new bed for you instead of going to the pub for his party.”

I knew it wouldn’t end up that we did but just hearing him say it, having him try to make me feel better, made me feel better. “I love you.”

****

“You did what?” Josh looked at me in disbelief. “Anna you don’t even know the guy and you invite him to hang out with us tonight?”

“A little higher on that end,” I pointed to his left. Josh was helping me put up the pictures of Jordan and Nicky when I told him about running into Hank earlier. “He doesn’t know anyone in town; I thought it would be nice for him to meet some fun people.”

“Is that right?” He nodded towards the board he was holding, when I said it was he pinned it in place and turned towards me. “Anna what if he misunderstood what you meant? What if he thinks you invited him because you were interested?”

I rolled my eyes. “Hank isn’t after me Josh.”

“How do you know?” He asked me as I turned to put away the tacks and left over party decorations.

“I just do, alright?”

“No, it’s not alright. Anna,” Josh turned me around to face him. “I know you are just trying to be nice because you feel sorry for the guy but I really don’t think that tonight was a good idea.”

“Why isn’t tonight a good idea?” We both turned around at the sound of Nick’s voice. “What’s going on?”

“Hey you guys! Happy birthday!” I gave Nick a hug and kiss on the cheek before moving on to Jordan. As I did that Josh filled them in on Hank’s invitation to the party tonight.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea, it doesn’t feel right.” He told them.

“Well,” Jordan glanced between Josh and me. “There’s nothing we can do about it now, if he comes then we’ll deal with it.” He moved in closer to Josh, “Don’t worry; I got your back if he tries anything with your girl.”

I raised a brow at the two of them, Josh reach out and pulled me near. “Did you hear that honey?”

“Yes, I did.” I said as my hand lifted to rest against his chest. “I’m such a lucky girl to have both of you around to defend my honor.”

Josh’s hand slipped over mine, “That’s not what I meant.”

Glancing at Jordan, who was now talking to Nick, I smiled. “I know Josh; you were talking about him referring to me as ‘your girl’. I told you he was happy for us.”

“It’s still a little strange for me though, I can’t just forget that only days ago he was trying to get rid of me.” Josh saw my frown and kissed my forehead. “But I will give him a chance.”

“That’s all I ask,” I whispered as I hugged him tight.

We joined the boys and Amy at the table and soon we were surrounded by several more of the guys’ friends. It was nice to see everyone all gathered in the same place again, it had been so long and life had gotten in the way for most of us. It took a few minutes for Josh to feel comfortable around everyone, he was clearly the oldest one of the group but the moment they all realized he was Coach Baker, the talk turned to sports.

I had excused myself from the group to go order some more food/drinks and to use the bathroom. On my way out of the bathroom I happened to glance towards the door, Hank was standing in the doorway, scanning the crowd. When his eyes slid over me, he smiled and headed straight for me.

“Hey there,” I said when he finally made it over to me. “I see you decided to come after all.”

“Yeah, I didn't like the look of my four walls." He told me as his eyes travelling over my body. "Wow, you look amazing."

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Fast Food And Some Insight

Josh and I stayed in bed talking, kissing and playing around until it was almost too late for him to shower before he left for work. It was so nice to spend that little extra ‘surprise’ time with him, it had only been a week since he’s been back to work and I was missing him as if it had been weeks since I last saw him.

I didn’t want to get up when he left, I wanted to stay in the warm bed and snuggle up with his pillow but I had so much to do for the party tomorrow, so I had no choice but get up.

First on my list was to call their mother to make sure that she wasn’t suddenly going to change her mind about lunch tomorrow. Every year she says she is going to have the boys over for lunch instead of supper so that they can do whatever they wish afterwards. And every year she calls them and tells them something came up and she can’t make lunch but would love to have them over for supper. Every year the boys end up going to their parents house and staying there later than planned and then they’d spend the rest of the night bitching about it.

Not this year, I thought as I called Jordan’s mother on my cell as I sat outside McDonalds. “Hello Harriet, how are you today?”

“I’m as well as can be expected,” she replied. “Was there something wrong Anna?”

“No there’s nothing wrong at all. I was just heading out to pick up some stuff for tomorrow night.”

Harriet sighed, “I can’t believe my babies are turning 24 already. It seems like it was only yesterday that John and I were bring them home from the hospital. They were such adorable little boys.” She paused for a moment, “So what are the plans for tomorrow night? I tried to ask Nick what they were doing but he’s so preoccupied with Amy and the baby that I don’t even think he remembered that his birthday was coming.”

I didn’t want to say too much, I knew that Nick didn’t tell her what we were doing because she wouldn’t like it. The major plan was to go to Splat’s Pub and hang out there all night; eating, drinking, playing pool and chewing the fat. But if we told her that, she’d insist that we’d go out to some nice restaurant that no one likes and then head over to her house. Two problems with that, the boys don’t want to go some place fancy, they want to relax and hang out with friends and Jordan can’t seem to spend too much time around his father before one of them stomps out of the room, normally Jordan.

“Umm Harriet, I believe that we all were going to go out for supper and then either go to Nick’s or come back to our place.”

“You mean Jordan’s house.” She didn’t like that Jordan and I were living together, she’s one of those who think that guys and girls can’t be just friends, for years she’s been trying to get Jordan and me together. “I was over to see Jordan a couple times this past week, I didn’t see you at all. Are you and Jordan having a fight Anna?”

“No Harriet, Jordan and I are fine.”

“So we’ll see you tomorrow at lunch? John has this new indoor grill that he’s just dying to try; I’ve made the hamburger patties that the boys just love.”

“I’m working tomorrow morning, so I can’t make it.”

“Well we could have them over for supper instead, and then you could come with Jordan.”

Why you sneaky little person. “We have reservations at this really great place and we can’t cancel, the boys have been looking forward to it for weeks. Besides, I promised Josh that I’d feed him some really great food if he came out with me tomorrow to celebrate the boys’ birthday.”

“Josh? Anna who is Josh? And why do you have to bribe him to go out with you when Jordan is free and waiting?”

I sighed, “I don’t have to bribe Josh. Our relationship is fairly new and there have been some tension between Jordan and him, Josh didn’t want to ruin Jordan’s day.”

Harriet scoffed, “Of course there is tension between them! Anna when are you going to open your eyes and see that Jordan is the perfect guy for you?”

I wanted to smack my head off a wall; it would be less painful than listening to this. “Jordan and I aren’t meant for each other, he doesn’t love me as anything more than a friend and I don’t love him any more than that either. Harriet, we’ve already talked about this, and we both agree that it would never work out.”

“But he’s always so happy when you are around Anna. I just want him to be happy.”

“I know and he will be, when he finds the right girl.” She agreed with me, which shocked me and she didn’t say anything more about it. I told her I had to go finish getting stuff ready for tomorrow and told her to have a good time with the boys at lunch.

After I hung up the phone, I jumped out of my car and headed inside to grab something to eat. I don’t eat at McDonalds all that much and believe it or not sometimes I crave it. Today I was craving a Big Xtra with cheese – no lettuce, extra onions. Plus I ordered 10 McNuggets because I always want them after I sit down.

I was preoccupied with finding a booth, that I didn’t notice someone was watching me from the front counter. I found a place and sat down, spreading the papers I had with me out on the table. The papers were some stories about Nick and Jordan that I asked some of our friends to write, telling how they met or something funny about the boys. Some of the stories came with photos which I planned to add to my photos of the guys and post them on Bristol board so I can hang them on the wall at Splat’s, to embarrass the guys.

“Hey there!” I jumped, “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I slowly looked up at Hank and then looked around for Jenna. “By yourself today?” He frowned but nodded. “Did you want to sit down?”

“I don’t want to interrupt,” he glanced at the stuff on the table.

“Oh don’t’ worry about it, we’ll just do this.” I swept everything into a pile and smiled at him. “Now sit down, join me.”

He resisted for a moment, and then he slid his tray onto the table and sat down. “I seem to see you a lot lately.”

“Well, I guess. Or maybe you just notice me because you know who I am now.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged as he opened his Double Big Mac box.

I watched him for a moment, he took a sip of his drink and ate a couple fries but never once smiled, he looked so tense. “Is there something wrong?” He shot me a questioning look. “I’m not use to seeing you without Jenna and you seem a little upset.”

“Jenna is with her mom,” he didn’t look at me as he reached for his burger. “And her grandparents.” If the tone of his voice when he said ‘grandparents’ didn’t alert me to something being wrong, then the way he flattened his burger with the palm of his hand certainly did.

“So you are left to amuse yourself for the afternoon?”

He was in the middle of lifting the burger to his mouth when his hand stopped. “Afternoon?” He chuckled, “Try the weekend. I was informed this morning that instead of spending the first weekend she’s had off since we moved here; Heather was going to her aunt’s with her parents and Jenna. ‘I just can’t be in town this weekend,’ she told me as she was running out the door with Jenna.”

“What’s so big about this weekend?”

Hank shrugged, “I have no idea, she wouldn’t tell me. You know,” he popped a couple fries into his mouth and chewed them up before he continued. “I’m not a bad guy, I tend to understand when people tell me things and I can be compassionate if there’s something wrong. But ever since we moved back here, I’ve slammed against so many brick walls lately that I don’t know which way is up anymore.”

“Her parents are still treating you like crap?”

His head snapped up when I said that, “I guess I’ve been unfairly unloading my issues on you and we don’t even know each other!”

“Well,” I smiled. “I am a good listener.”

“Yes you are.” He flashed me a smile and then his frown was back. “I don’t now anyone in this town, except her family and it’s not like I can talk to them. Hell, I can’t even talk to her about them, she doesn’t see the problem. Her father can’t stand me and is always shutting me out and she pretends not to see it.” He grabbed my hand, “How can she not see it? I don’t get invited over, they don’t come over and they never talk to me or ask about me. I work my ass off to provide for Heather and Jenna as best I can and I watch Jenna every single night so that Heather can work. But never once does anyone in her family think about that, they are so stuck on how great her ex was. And he screwed around on her!” Hank threw his hands up in the air in frustration. I stared at him in shock, I didn’t even know what to say, he saw this and sighed. “I’m so sorry; you don’t need to know my problems.”

“You look like you need to relax.” He nodded in agreement. “Did you say you were alone all weekend?” I had an idea.

“Yeah, nice huh?”

I smiled, “Well if you wish to get out and meet some fun people you should go to Splat’s Pub tomorrow around 7ish.”

Hank raised a brow, “Oh? Will you be there then?”

I nodded, “Yes two of my friends are having a birthday party.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to crash someone’s party.”

I gathered up my stuff and stood up. “Well if you want to spend the night alone staring at the four walls of your place while your girlfriend and her daughter are off having fun, be my guest.” I didn’t wait for him to say anything else, I said good bye and walked out the door.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Sleep In

It was dark still when I woke up, there were signs that it was getting closer to daylight but the darkness was hanging on. Rolling over, I watched Josh’s chest rise and fall with every breath he took. Just being with him made me happy and there was nothing I liked more than to watch him while he slept but of course as I watched him, I wanted to touch him and then that always seemed to lead into much more exciting moments.

Glancing at the clock to see how much time I had before he got up, I was shocked to see it was 6:30. “Josh?” I called as I gently shook his arm.

“Hmm?” He rolled over and pulled me close, his lips brushing against my forehead.

“Honey, it’s 6:30. Aren’t you going for a run?” I found out on Tuesday morning that Josh likes to start his day out really early when he’s working; he has a school day routine I guess you could say. At 5 am his clock goes off and by 5:50, 6 at the latest, he is out the door for a run and doesn’t get back until close to 7. When he gets home, he eats the bagels that he bought from the local bakery on his way home and then he jumps in the shower. By 8 he is out the door to start his working day. From 8 until 9 he spends time with some of the kids who arrive early for school, sometimes he supervises them playing in the gym, other times he is challenged to a game of one-on-one. He then teaches from 9 to 3, mainly gym classes but he can and will fill in when other teachers are sick. After school, for an hour or two, he supervises kids that want to hang out in the gym and offers help to anyone who needs a little extra with their homework in other subjects. And that doesn’t include the time he spends with his school teams, at school and during tournaments.

It was easy to see why Zach said that things would be different when school started again, Josh doesn’t have much spare time by choice. Josh told me that when Jesse isn’t around he keeps himself busy so he doesn’t notice his absence as much. With his schedule, Josh normally wears himself out by 9, so by the time I get off work; he’s sleeping or trying to sleep.

“Honey?” I tried again to wake him. “Your run?”

“Not going,” Josh mumbled as he shifted his position until he was face to face with me. “I wanted to spend as much time as I could with you this morning.”

I smiled, “You know it’s ok to admit that you are tired and want to sleep in.”

Josh opened one eye and peered at me, “That’s not it.”

“No?”

His other eye opened, “No, it’s not. In fact,” pushing back the blankets he jumped out of bed. I didn’t have the time I would’ve liked to admire his naked form; he grabbed hold of me and pulled me out of bed as well. “We could stand here until I have to go or we can do something else entirely, I just want to spend time with you this morning.”

“Wh-why th-is morn-ing?” I asked, my teeth chattered from the cool air in his apartment.

Wrapping his arms around me, he nuzzled my neck, causing shivers of another kind. “Just felt like I haven’t seen you that much lately.”

“Josh, can we please get back into bed? I’m freezing!” He didn’t answer at first; he was too busy trying to warm my skin with his hands and lips. “Please Josh?”

“If you insist,” he grinned as he crawled back in bed. I crawled in behind him and wasted no time snuggling up to him for warmth. I love being in his arms. I love how safe I feel when he is holding me tight. I love to press my face against his skin and breathe in his scent. And most of all I love being pressed against his body, feeling every inch of him, knowing that I will never have enough of him, I will always want him, need him, love him. “How was work last night?”

I shrugged, “It was the way I expected it to be. I was busy because no one seems to know how to stock anything and customers kept coming over needing help.” I grinned, “It was awesome.”

Josh laughed, “Only you would enjoy that.”

“Well, I like the helping people find what they are looking for part the most. Especially when it’s for the child who is there with them, just seeing the child’s eyes light up, is the best part.” I went on to tell him about Hank and Jenna. “It’s strange though,” I said when I was finished my story. “Jenna looks so familiar to me and I don’t know why.”

“Maybe because you know her parents? Did you know Hank before you saw him with Jenna?”

I shook my head, “He told me he isn’t her father.” Josh gave me a funny look. “It sort of came out, I’m not really sure why he said it now. What?”

“He isn’t hitting on you, is he? Trying to pick you up, using the little girl?”

“No!” I laughed, “Oh honey that’s just horrible!”

“Well, I need to ask these things, you did say you’ve seen him a lot since you met him.” He was smiling so I knew he was kidding but I still couldn’t believe he said it.

Shaking my head I muttered, “I can’t believe you said that.”

Josh kissed my forehead, “I’m not naïve enough to think that guys don’t hit on you when I’m not around. Hell, I’m sure some of them would even hit on you when I’m at your side.”

“But I’m not interested in anyone but you, so there’s nothing to worry about.” I kissed the tip of his nose, “You are stuck with me Joshua Barker.”

His arms tightened around me as his mouth turned up into a huge grin, “I’m not complaining!”

“So I was thinking,” Josh spoke again after a moment of silence, his fingers slowly trialed up and down my spine as he spoke. “Tomorrow after you get off work we should pack an overnight bag and head up to my family’s cabin. We could spend the night in front of the fireplace with some hot chocolate, maybe talk.” He drew back slightly, “Or anything else that comes to mind.”

I chuckled at his smile, “That sounds nice honey but I can’t.”

“Why not?” His hand stilled on by back, he wasn’t happy.

“Tomorrow is Jordan and Nick’s birthday, we have long standing plans. I can’t break the plans at the last minute, even if your idea sounds a million times better than theirs.” I sighed; I love the idea of getting away with Josh for the night. “I’m sorry.”

Josh shrugged, “No problem. I shouldn’t have assumed that you wouldn’t be doing anything. It’s fine, go hang out with your friends, we can always do something Sunday before you work.”

I didn’t believe him when he said it wasn’t a problem, I know that I wouldn’t feel that way if it was me. “I was going to ask you to come with me.”

He rolled onto his back, away from me, “I don’t know Anna, I’m not exactly Jordan’s favorite person, and I wouldn’t want to ruin his birthday.”

“Josh if you don’t go Jordan will wonder where you are, trust me. He may not have been that friendly to you before but I know that won’t be the case from now on.” Josh started to dispute that but I stopped him. “Josh he told me that he knew we were good for each other, he told me he wasn’t going to let me screw this up because it was clear we loved each other.” I smiled, “He also told me I was cramping his style.”

“Cramping his style?” Josh laughed, “Well what do you have planned?”
I went on to tell him about my plans, all of them. He laughed in spots and was shocked in some others but in the end he agreed to go with me.

“Now, if I could just find someone for Jordan, it would be the best birthday ever for him.”

Saturday, March 24, 2007

First Days Aren't So Bad

The week seemed to drag by but before I knew it, it was Thursday and I was starting back to work after getting the ok from my doctor.

I walked in at 4 to my department looking like a bomb went off. Sometimes I swear that I was the only one actually doing anything in there. Although, I guess everyone feels like that some times.

I spent the first hour trying to organize my shelves so that you could actually tell what product went where and how much it was, after I had that done, I started on the risers. I was in the middle of filling the bagged diapers when heard someone say it was about time I got back.

Glancing down from the ladder I saw Jenna and then Hank came in my line of vision. “Hey you guys!” I got down from the ladder and quickly put the diapers onto the shelf before turning to them. “How are you doing?” I asked Hank as I held out my hand to Jenna.

“We are doing great. Well,” he looked at Jenna who was now trying to chew on my hand. “She’s teething, so I’d watch out if I were you.”

Bending over, I looked at Jenna and waited for her to look up at me before I said anything. “You aren’t going to bite me now, are you sweetheart?” She just gave me this grin and continued to try to get my hand in her mouth. “Jenna?” She looked up at the sound of her name, “You have very pretty eyes, did you know that?” She reached her wet face out and tried to touch my mouth. “Oh you don’t want to do that, that’s icky.” Jenna giggled at the face I made when I said it was icky and before long she had lost all interest in my hand and was chewing on her own. “You know,” I said as I turned back to Hank. “We do sell teething toys here.”

Hank nodded, “We know we’ve been looking for the little rabbit one.”

At first I didn’t know what he was talking about but then it hit me. “Oh! The one where the hands and feet are safe for babies to chew on?” I headed off to the toys as I was talking. “We have that one right…” I scanned the shelf and sighed, “Well it should be right there. Just one second.” I went to grab a ladder. “I haven’t got to these risers yet.” I told him as I climbed up to take a look at the stuff on the risers. Carefully moving some items I found a couple bags with the teething pals in it. “Here we go! I have two rabbits, two ducks and two bears.”

Hank took the rabbit that I handed him and looked it over. “I asked a couple days ago and they said they didn’t have any.”

Rolling my eyes, I continued to put the others I found on the shelf. “It’s possible that we didn’t have them when you asked.” I said and then leaned in closer to him and whispered, “But in all likelihood they were sitting up there for days and no one checked because they just couldn’t be bothered.”

Hank nodded, “I know what you mean, it seemed like the person that I asked didn’t want to help me, she just told me they should be here and then told me they were out when she saw the space was empty. She didn’t even try looking up there like you did.”

“I’m sorry they didn’t give you the service that they should have given you. And,” I turned to Jenna as she eyed the rabbit in Hank’s hands. “I’m sorry that you had to go with out the bunny to chew on.”

He went to give the bunny to Jenna but stopped at the last second and looked at me. “I should probably sterilize it first, right?”

I shrugged, “Personally I would just because you don’t know where it’s been but it is up to you.”

“Yeah,” he looked back and forth between Jenna and the bunny. “It’s just that I don’t want her chewing on her hand.”

“Well, you could give her a teething cookie like the other day when I saw you.” I suggested.

“Heather doesn’t want to give her too many cookies, she says they ruin Jenna’s appetite and then she doesn’t want to eat her meals.”

“Oh, I don’t know what else to suggest then.” We started to walk along, I didn’t even realize we were moving, I was thinking that hard. “Oh!” I grabbed his arm, “How about a wet facecloth? You can wet it with cold water and let her chew on that. If you have a clean one on you, that is.”

As he dug through the diaper bag he told me that Heather has told him before about that, “but do you think I remembered?” Hand shook his head, “I guess she’s right when she says I don’t listen to her. Ah ha!” He threw his hand up in the air and a dry facecloth was dangling from it. “Would you mind…?” He nodded to Jenna.

I told him it wouldn’t be a problem, “I’ll just put her to work.” He wasn’t gone for long; I didn’t even get a chance to tell Jenna what her duties would be when working with me! We watched as Jenna took the facecloth in her hands and stared at it, I wasn’t sure she was going to use it but finally she squished the cloth against her mouth and tested it out.

“Well,” Hank glanced at his watch, “We should go. Thanks for your help; it’s great to see you back here again.”

When they left I continued my work on the risers, stopping every now and then to help other customers or to talk to those who noticed I was gone for the past week. It was great to be back, even if it did mean that for most of my shift I was missing out on time with Josh.

I couldn’t wait for 10 to come. From about 8 on I was watching the time, trying to encourage it to go a little faster but of course, it didn’t. In fact it seemed to slow to a dead stop.

When ten came, I damn near ran out of the store. Ok, I actually did run out of the store and heard a few people wondering where I was going in such a hurry but I didn’t take the time to stop and tell them, it had been long enough away from Josh.

I arrived at Josh’s apartment ten minutes later and let myself in with the key he gave me when we had our discussion about my relationship with Jordan. I didn’t keep the key, or I tried not to keep it but he wouldn’t take it back, he told me to hold on to it.

Opening the door, I was a little disappointed to see that the apartment was already dark. Josh had told me that he would try to wait up for me to get there but it looked like he couldn’t wait any longer.

I went to the bathroom, slipped out of my clothes and jumped in for a quick shower. After I was dry and dressed in the shirt that he had left out for me, I quietly made my way to his room and slipped into bed with him.

I thought he was asleep, I didn’t say anything and I tried not to move. But he was awake; he reached out and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me back against his warm body. “Welcome home my love,” he whispered against my shoulder.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Tragic Scene

It’s no secret that my parents died when I was eight years old and that Zach had been given the great joy of being my legal guardian. It’s no secret that my parents’ deaths were the result of a drunk driving accident. What might be a secret or at least a surprise to some people is that I blame myself for their deaths. Or I did for the longest time.

When I was younger my parents often went on what they would call ‘date nights’. My father would go spend the day with either his friends or one of my brothers, anything to keep him out of the house. While he was out my mother would go shopping, buy a little something new; a hair clip, underwear or sometimes even a new pair of pants or shoes. It didn’t matter what it was, as long as there was some thing new for her ‘date’ with my father. My father would get ready at whoever’s house he happened to be at and drive over to ‘pick up’ my mother. Normally Mary looked after me and when Cassie was born, I started to spend the night at their place. My parents had these nights once or twice a month depending on how much they felt like they needed some time alone.

It wasn’t a night like any other but it wasn’t completely unusual; they dropped me off at Zach’s, Cassie was feeling a little under the weather so Mary didn’t want to take her outside. They make me promise to be a good girl for Mary and gave me hugs and kisses as they told me they’d pick me up in the morning.

I tried to behave for Mary that night, but Cassie was crying all the time and I wasn’t feeling good myself so I wanted my mom. Mary tried to make me feel better but it just wasn’t the same, I told her. After a couple hours of listening to both Cassie and me whining and crying, Mary snapped and told me to get ready for bed. I got pissy, I ran to their room with the notepad that had the number to get a hold of my parents and I called them. I lied to my mother; I told her that Mary was yelling at me. I told her I wasn’t feeling good and I wanted her to come home. After some failed attempts to calm me down, my mother told me that my dad and her would come for me.

Only thing was that they didn’t make it back. On their way home from the restaurant, a pickup truck with drunk teenagers blew through a red light slamming into the passenger side of my parents car.

While I was waiting for my parents to come for me, Zach responded to the 911 call about the accident. No one knew at the time that it was his parents in the car. He told me many years later, that it was the worst moment of his life. He said that he saw the car and told himself that it wasn’t dad’s car, that there were many other cars out there like that. He told me that his partner tried to keep him from the wreck when he realized that it was our parents but it was already too late, he had already seen the outcome.

I heard footsteps on the outside steps to Zach’s place. I jumped up from the couch where I was waiting for my parents and ran to the door, swinging it open. I think I went to say something like, ‘oh it’s only you’ when the look on Zach’s face stopped me. I’ve never seen my brother look so pale, so terrified in my whole life. Mary jumped up from the couch and ran over to him, asking him what was wrong. But Zach kept repeating, ‘we have to wait for Chad’.

The whole time we were waiting for Chad, I kept asking when mom and dad were coming so I could go home. It was about ten minutes later that Chad showed up at Zach’s; he was at work when Zach called him to tell him he was needed at home.

Zach made us all sit on the couch; he stood in front of us and looked like he was at a lost for what to say. He stood there for a good five minutes, just looking at us, taking deep breaths and then he said words that I’ll never forget for as long as I live, “There’s been a accident…” he stumbled over his next words, “our parents…mom…dad…they were…they are…” he couldn’t look at us at this point.

I didn’t know what he was trying to say but Mary and Chad did, Mary started to cry and Chad jumped up and told him it wasn’t funny. I watched them all and asked, “When are mommy and daddy coming for me?”

I don’t know if they thought about me up to that point, if they even realized that our parents’ death meant that I was without guardianship or guidance. All three of them turned in unison and stared at me, unsure of what to do or how to explain it to me.

“Anna?” Zach got to his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his as Mary sat down and wrapped her arms around me. “Sis, I need to you listen to me. Can you do that?” I nodded, I was scared. “Mom and dad were in a bad accident, they were hurt really badly.”

“But you fixed them Zachy?” Mary hugged me tighter when I asked that.

Zach shook his head and lowered it to my lap. “No Anna,” his shoulders started to shake. “I couldn’t fix them, I wanted too but I couldn’t.”

I knew that wasn’t good, I remember my lip started to tremble as the tears came. “When are mommy and daddy coming home?”

Zach lost all control over his emotions at that point. “I’m sorry Anna, I couldn’t fix them.” He looked up at me as the tears streamed down his face. “Mom and dad aren’t coming home Anna, they are gone to heaven with nanny and poppy.”

“No!” I slapped him. “Nanny and poppy don’t need them. I need them!”

Zach pulled me into his arms and held me as I struck out at him, he kept repeating ‘I’m sorry’ the entire time.

*****

Jordan’s softly spoken words brought me back to reality; he was holding me and stroking my hair while he whispered to me. I don’t know exactly what he was whispering; all I know the calm tone helped me not to go over the deep end. I looked up at him, “Sometimes I still feel that if I didn’t call them, if I wasn’t such a brat that night, my parents would still be alive.”

“Anna, what did Zach tell you about that?”

“That if I were to blame so is he for not getting there sooner,” I sighed, “You think my parents’ death has screwed me up?”

Jordan shook his head, “No babe you were screwed up long before that.” He smiled as I hit his arm, “I think that you are afraid to really get close to Josh because you are afraid something will happen. You’ll let him in a little, you’ll totally be there for him during this drama around him but the second it dies down, and you’ll look for ways to make him leave. Like you said you’ll pick at what he says and won’t tell him what you are thinking. You will try to get him to leave so you can beat yourself up over everything that you did to drive him away.”

“How crazy is that?”

“Totally friggin crazy!” Jordan smiled. “But I have to tell you something, I’m not going to let you do that.”

I raised a brow, “Oh?”

He shook his head, “No, I’m not going to let you ruin your relationship with Josh.” He rested his forehead against mine, “You love the guy and for some crazy reason he loves you too.” He paused, a little smile playing on his lips, “And frankly, you are starting to cramp my style.”

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Amature Shrink

I didn’t stay at Zach’s much longer after he made the promise that Josh would get full custody of Jesse. It’s not that I didn’t want to hang out with my brother and his wife; he seemed to be the one who didn’t want me around. I’m not even going to think about why he was damn near pushing me out the door but I’m pretty certain it had nothing to do with the questions I was asking.

I drove aimlessly around town for a while, trying to find something to do. Now that everyone’s holidays are officially over, there isn’t anyone around for me to really go visit. I debated taking a quick run to work to see when I’m scheduled on Thursday but I wasn’t in any real hurry to find out.

So I went home.

When I pulled into the driveway I sat there for a moment and realized that with everything that’s been going on lately, I’ve missed just hanging out doing nothing with Jordan. I even started to feel really bad for my attitude with him lately. Despite the fact that he with held information from me and threw a huge twist in the mix when he told me how he felt about me, he is still my best friend and I kind of forgotten that. Plus I left him at the restaurant with my family without even thinking twice!

The house was dark and silent like I knew it would be. Jordan liked to sleep late when he didn’t have to work and since he’s off until Wednesday for sure, snoring away is exactly where I knew I would find him.

“Rise and shine Sunshine!” I called from his doorway and ducked the pillow that he sent my way. “Come on Jordy, get up!”

“Nooo,” He groaned. “And give me back my pillow.” His hand slipped from underneath the pile of blankets covering him.

I stood at the side of his bed, dangling his pillow over his opened hand and pulled it back every time he tried to grab it. “Damn you’ve gotten slow in your old age Jordy,” I joked as I pulled the pillow away from him again.

“Old age?” He tossed the blankets off his head, “Just because this weekend is my birthday, doesn’t mean I’m old!” He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me across the bed. “Now give me my pillow and let me sleep.”

I let him take his pillow and he crawled back under the blankets. “Oh does grandpa need his beauty sleep?”

“I don’t know,” Jordan peeked out from underneath the blankets, “why don’t you go find Josh and ask?” I gasped and grinned at the same time. “I don’t want to know!” Jordan said before hiding again.

“But Jordy,” I tried to pulled the blankets away from his face but he kept pushing my hand away.

“I don’t need to know,” Jordan’s laughing voice came from under the blankets, “Keep your dirty deeds to you…” He grabbed my hand that had Josh’s ring on it; he quickly pushed back the blankets and tugged my hand closer to him. “What is that?”

“It’s a ring,” I told him as I tried to get my hand back.

His face was void of any expression, “What kind of ring is it?” He asked, his eyes searching mine.

“What does it look like?”

Dropping my hand as if it burned his, his jaw dropped as he stared at me. “Please tell me it’s not what I think it is.” He didn’t give me a chance to say anything. “Anna!” Jordan fell back against his bed for a second then jumped back up to look at me. “Are you crazy? You’ve only known the guy for a couple weeks and he asks you to marry him?”

“Jordan!”

“Oh God I can only imagine what your brother had to say about this.” He fell back against the bed again. “Unbelievable,” he said under his breath.

“Not that it is any of your business but he did ask me to marry him,” Jordan rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. “But this isn’t an engagement ring Jordan.”

“What is it then? And why is it on that finger is it’s not?”

I sighed, “Jordy there’s so much going on, there’s so much I need to talk about. I need you to be my friend right now. I need you to put aside any dislike for Josh and just be here for me like you always have.”

Jordan rolled onto his side, “Anna you know that no matter what happens I’ll always be here for you, when you don’t leave me sitting in restaurants all by my lonesome that is.”

I smiled, “I’m sorry but you managed to make it home I see.”

He nodded, “Oh yes it was a nice long walk home. I was tempted to just say screw it and sleep on the sidewalk but I knew that your brother or his pals would pick me up for loitering or something. I can’t face a night in jail! I won’t!”

“Oh Jordy!” I threw my arms around him and laughed. “Zach brought you home, didn’t he?”

“Of course he did. But he didn’t seem too happy about the fact that you just ran out yesterday.”

“I’m sorry Jordan.”

“It must have been important,” Jordan held up my hand. “It lead to this and,” he dropped my hand. His finger slipped under the chain around my neck and he pulled the cross out from under my shirt, “this too. Anna what happened yesterday?”

I found myself telling Jordan everything that happened and every thing I felt along the way. “I’m scared Jordan,” I said after every thing.

“What are you scared of?”

I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. “I know I love Josh. I want to be with him but don’t know if I can handle all the ups and downs with him.”

Jordan frowned, “What do you mean Anna? You can handle anything.”

“Jordy I’m afraid that one day he won’t need me like he does now and he will realize that I’m not the strong person he thinks I am. Hell I run from confrontations, I pick at the little things he says and twist them around to make them bad and I don’t have the nerve to tell him what I’m thinking half the time.”

Jordan smiled, “Anna you’ve always been like that.”

“But why am I like that Jordan?” I hugged myself, “I’m afraid I will drive him away in the end.”

Jordan shifted closer and wrapped his arms around me. “I think you do it because you are afraid people will leave.”

I laughed, “They do if I drive them away!”

Jordan shook his head, “No Anna, I think you haven’t really gotten past your parents accident.”

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Promises

I’m a really, really bad girlfriend. When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to let Josh out of bed, I kept coming up with things to talk about or when that failed I would kiss or touch him and he would forget about the time for a while. Although finally I had to relent, he promised me that he would call me after he got home to talk about anything I could think of between this morning and tonight.

Reluctantly I let him go have a shower by himself even though I really wanted to join him; I quickly threw together some breakfast for him so I wouldn’t be as tempted to go join him anyway. He took the time to sit with me for a few minutes and eat before he ran off to get dressed and can I say something? The women he works with are so damn lucky that they get to spend all day with him, five days a week, nine months our of the year; he was looking so damn fine in his school sweats that I tried to talk him back out of them. I, of course failed, but I have a rain check for tonight. Yay!

I walked Josh to his car and made a big deal out of kissing him good bye in the street. I think he was getting a little embarrassed by my public displays of affection but I didn’t care, I loved him and was wearing two very special symbols of his love and devotion and when I pointed that out to him, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me so passionately I thought the neighbors would scream ‘get a room’ out of their windows.

I sat in my car, watched him drive away and then I felt lonely. Starting my car I tried to figure out what to do, I thought about going home but Jordan would still be sleeping and I wanted to tell someone about last night. I put the car in drive and as I drove through town I found myself making all the right turns to head out of town, out to Zach’s house.

When I arrived at Zach’s I was happy to see that he was home still, I wanted to talk to him about Phil and see if he knew why they would be so worried about him.

“Hello?” I called as I looked around the empty living room. It was the first time in a long time that Zach’s house was completely silent, it was a little creepy.

“Zach!” I heard Mary laugh; it came from the direction of the kitchen, so I made my way down the hall.

“Hey guys,” I said as I pushed my way through the swinging door. “Can I – OH MY GOD!” I screamed, covering my eyes as I quickly returned to the hallway. Standing back on to the door, mentally shaking myself, I tried to get the image of what I just saw out of my head. Opening my eyes, I looked up at Zach who was standing in front of me, tucking his shirt into his pants.

“Hey sis,” Zach grinned, “So how you doing?”

I shook my head, “Warn a person!”

He laughed, “Well I didn’t think I had to, in my own house.”

I stared at him, my jaw dropped. “You mean you do that when…the girls…oh lord, I think I’m going to be sick.” I held my hand over my mouth and walked towards the bathroom.

“Oh Anna don’t be so melodramatic, of course we don’t do that when the girls are up.” I glanced over my shoulder at him and he was laughing. “When there’s no one around I think I have the right to do whatever I want with my wife, anywhere in this house!”

Mary came out of the kitchen as he finished that statement, her cheeks were bright red. “We didn't know you were coming over.” She said as she looked everywhere but at me or my brother.

“I needed to talk to you guys about something, something important.” Zach nodded, and started to head for the kitchen, where most of the serious talks took place. “But not in there,” I cringed, “I don’t think I can handle that right now.”

“Oh come on, it’s not like we had sex on the kitchen table! I barely had time to cop a feel before you interrupted us.”

“Zach!” Mary hit him on the arm as she turned two shades redder.

Zach pulled her into his arms and kissed her soundly on the lips, “I love you Darling, and I don’t care who knows it.”

I smiled as I watched the two of them.

I was 2 years old when Zach and I ran into Mary, literally. It was the year that he turned 16. Mom had asked him to watch me for a few hours that day while she went to various appointments but he didn’t want to; it was his first day of summer vacation and he wanted to spend it at the beach with his friends. Of course, mom told him that he could take me to the beach, that I would love it.

At that time I didn’t get to spend much time with him because he thought hanging out with his baby sister was so not cool. Just getting to go to the beach with him, even though he told me I wasn’t allowed to do anything but sit there, was a huge deal for me.

We arrived at the beach, he sees his friends and starts to walk quickly towards them but I couldn’t keep up with him, even though I was running. He stopped and scooped me up muttering under his breath about the injustice of it all. When he turned around, he walked into the girl that was passing by, knocking her off balance and she fell to the ground.

“Why don’t you –” Mary looked up at him about ready to rip a strip of him when her eyes slid over me. Zach held out his hand to help her up, which she took. She looked from Zach, to me and back again. “You have a daughter?”

I giggled, threw my arms around Zach’s neck and wetly kissed his cheek. “Zachy!”

Zach turned three shades of red as he wiped my slobber off his cheek, “This is my baby sister, Anna.”

I looked at her shyly and said hello. Mary smiled and told Zach I was cute, to which he replied ‘only because you don’t know her.’ That’s when Mary looked him dead in the eye and said, “Then I’ll get to know her and prove you wrong.”

Brother, the smooth operator that he thought he was, almost choked on his own salvia when she said that, and he started coughing. Luckily for him, Mary still stuck around. I found out later that Mary’s family had just moved to town a month before school ended, she didn’t know too many people and she thought my brother was cute but never thought he’d give her the time of day.

This year will be their 18th wedding anniversary.

“Anna?” Zach frowned as he snapped his fingers in front of my face. “You ok?”

I nodded, “Yeah I was just remembering the first time we met Mary.”

Zach rolled his eyes, “You don’t remember it. You just know what Mary told you. I was not that uncool!”

Mary laughed and kissed him, “You can keep telling yourself that Sweetheart.”

“I was not,” he mumbled under his breath as he went into the kitchen. “So what did you want to talk about?” He asked as we joined him at the kitchen table.

“Well,” I said as pulled out a chair and sat down. “When I left the restaurant yesterday I went to Josh’s,” I grinned. “Which I’m sure you know already.” I went on to tell them about Carol coming to pick Jess up early, Jesse’s reaction and the aftermath, including the conversation about Zach. “Do you know Phil?”

Zach shook his head, “I know of him of course, mainly through the situation with Josh but I don’t know him professionally.”

I then told him about the second conversation I had with Carol and her comments about Zach possibly causing Phil problems as he runs for office. “Do you have any idea what that’s about?”

“No, I don’t.” Zach said as he jumped up from the table and went to the fridge. “Did you have anything to eat this morning sis? Did you want something to drink?”

“You can’t just change the subject like that Zach and think that I will believe that you don’t know something!” I joined him at the fridge. “Do you know something about Phil that could help Josh get full custody of Jesse?”

“Anna,” Zach grabbed hold of my shoulders. “You know that anything I work on is off limits for discussion. I told Josh I would look into the possibility of abuse at their house but I can’t jeopardize my family or my career by making false allegations without proof.”

“So there is something going on with Phil.”

“I didn’t say that!”

I nodded, “I know you didn’t Zach but it’s apparent that there’s something there if he’s worried that Josh knows you and you are acting a little weird right now.”

“Anna just drop it ok? Everything will turn out in the end, Josh will get full custody of Jesse, I promise you.”

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

To Sleep - To Dream

Josh looked like he was going to either pass out or flip out. “But honey,” he shook his head as if trying to make sense of my reaction. “My grandmother had to wear these; they were gifts to her from the man she loved.” He ran a hand through his hair, “I thought…” his voice seemed to catch in his throat and he lowered his head.

I wanted so badly to take the ring and the cross, the story of his grandparents love was an inspirational and moving one. In some way, I felt that their story was our story but I couldn’t believe that he would even try to give me something he gave Carol. I couldn’t stand to see the hurt that I caused because he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to wear something that his ex was given. Jumping out of the bed, I had to get away from him. As much as he was hurting right now, I couldn’t feel bad for him for I was hurting too.

“Anna!” I didn’t turn around when Josh called out to me or when I heard him jump out of bed. “Where are you going?” He asked as he gripped my arm and turned me around to face him. I found I couldn’t speak, there were so many things I wanted to say but nothing would come out so I went to turn around again. “Anna!” Josh spun me around again but this time he didn’t take the chance that I could turn away. Pulling me closer, he dropped his shoulder and threw me over.

“Josh! Put me down!” I screamed but he ignored me. “If you were worried about the view earlier, you should be worried now too.” He didn’t say anything but he did slap my bare ass. “Hey!” I went to slap his but he knelt onto the bed and tossed me down onto the mattress.

“I don’t know what your problem is with wearing my grandmother’s jewelry. My grandparents have a great marriage and they love each other very much, much like I believe we will when we get to be their age but Anna, damn it!” He fell to the bed beside me, “Honey is it because you don’t love me? Is that why you don’t wish to wear something that means so much to me?”

When I sat up he grabbed my arm, “No!” I said as I pulled my arm from his grasp. “I refuse to wear something that you gave to someone else!”

Josh leapt up onto his knees pretty damn fast. “You think I gave them to her?” He said ‘her’ with so much hatred in his voice that I was starting to doubt myself. “Don’t answer that, the look on your face tells me that’s exactly what you thought.”

“Josh -”

“Damn it Anna! How could you even think that? I never once even thought about giving them to her, not once!” He picked up the box, “You know how long I’ve had these?” I shook my head. “Ten years Anna, I’ve had these for ten friggin years and up until I met you I never thought I’d ever find the woman who deserved them.”

“Josh I’m sorry, I thought…” I trailed off, there was no point in saying what I thought, he knew.

Josh gave a little chuckle, “Do you have any idea how pissed off my grandparents would’ve been to see symbols of their love anywhere near Carol?”

“Why would they be mad? You did love her once.”

Josh shook his head, “I thought I did but I only loved the idea of who she was supposed to be. Anna my love life isn’t that spectacular, in fact it has been pretty damn boring. When I met her, I thought I found someone who could make me happy but I found out soon enough that she wasn’t even close to being that one. I have no idea why I married her, maybe I thought I would end up alone and that scared me.” He shrugged his shoulders, “Pretty stupid huh?”

I shrugged my shoulders too, “How do you know it’s not the same with me?”

He smiled, “Honey do you have any idea when I fell in love with you?”

I shook my head, “Christmas?” I guessed.

He laughed, “God no!”

“New Years?”

Again he laughed, “No Anna.”

“Yesterday?” I raised my brow as I asked, “There aren’t that many other days to choose from Josh.”

He smiled, “Yes there are.” He slipped under the blankets and sat against the pillow back rest he made earlier. “Come here,” he patted the bed beside him as he held out the blankets. When I was comfortably resting in his arms, he kissed my forehead. “The moment I knew I was in trouble with you was five years ago when you said to me, ‘I don’t want you for forever, just one dance.’”

My head snapped up and I stared at him in shock, “What?”

“You have no idea how disappointed I was to hear you say that, in my mind all I was thinking was, ‘why don’t you want me for forever? What’s wrong with me?’ Of course, I knew what was wrong with me, and I knew that I shouldn’t have been wondering why that was a problem.”

“You certainly didn’t seem to want to dance with me.”

Josh turned his head, lowering it down against my neck. “Anna it damn near killed me to hold you, to be that close to you and not be allowed to touch you. I wanted to kiss you so badly but instead I asked you your name.”

“I remember that, you sent shivers through my body when you did that.”

He smiled, “I know. But the second time we danced it was so much worst, I had to remind myself that I was married. I said it out loud, so I know you heard it.”

I nodded, “Yes and you told yourself that you loved her too. And then later she was there, in your arms and I wanted to kill her.”

Josh raised a brow, “How do you think I felt when I saw you with my brother that night and at the party at my house?”

“Nothing ever happened with Robbie.”

“I know, he told me then and again when he came back to town.” He tilted his head back and tried to cover a yawn. “That night of the party,” he looked at me, “When I realized it was you in my bed I thought I died and gone to heaven. I had been dreaming about you since the night at the bar.”

Snuggling closer to him I told him I was glad and pressed a kiss against his chest. “At least I wasn’t the only one.”

We were quiet for a while, I was thinking about what he just told me and what we were talking about, eyeing the box I looked up at him again. “Josh? What would your grandparents think if they saw their symbols of love on me?”

Josh lifted his hand to my face; his fingers gently brushed my cheek. “Anna my grandparents would be thrilled.”

“How can you be sure?”

His lips grazed mine, “Because they know how I feel about you, they know about the night we met. Anna, they knew I had found you the first time I saw them after that night. I don’t know how they knew because I didn’t tell them but they knew. My grandfather took me aside and said, ‘Joshua there’s only one woman who can make a man truly feel like a man. You have found that woman and we both know it’s not the one you are married to.’ When I tried to deny what he said, he told me that denying you existed wouldn’t make my feelings go away and that pretending Carol was the one was only depriving me of my masculinity.”

His unbelievable belief in us made me unbelievably happy but at the same time it made me worry that I could hurt him even worst than Carol did.

“Honey what’s wrong?”

Snuggling closer to him, I told him how loved him and wanted to make him happy always. “I don’t want to hurt you Josh.”

“I’m not naïve enough to think that you will never upset or hurt me Anna. We are both human and have a tendency to do stupid things sometimes but with that said, I believe that we can work through any problems we come across and have our relationship come out stronger in the end. We communicate Anna, maybe not always as soon as we should but we do talk and that makes all the difference.”

I thought about what he said, I knew he was right. “Josh?”

“Yes my love?”

My fingers brushed against the box still in his hand as I smiled up at him. “I would be honored to wear these symbols of love and devotion. To know that whenever I look at them or feel them against my skin, you are as much mine as I am yours.”

There are no words to describe the sheer joy that seemed to come over Josh, somewhere between the kissing and the words of love that fell from his lips, he managed to somehow slip the ring onto my finger and do up the clasp of the necklace that the cross hung on.

Locked in each other’s embrace, our bodies still warm from the heat of our lovemaking, we slipped off into a peaceful slumber.

Monday, March 19, 2007

A Love Story

“Oh my,” I repeated as I lifted the items out of the box.

Josh lifted his chin off my shoulder, “You like it?”

Glancing at him, I nodded. “Oh Josh it’s so beautiful. Tell me about them?”

“Gladly,” Josh pulled me into his arms and kissed my cheek before he began. “They belonged to my grandmother Baker; my grandfather gave both of them to her. This,” he reached around me and pointed to the cross that I held in my hand. “My grandparents met one really cold winter over 60 years ago. My grandfather was traveling through town and stopped at the inn my great-grandparents owned to rest for the night. My grandmother says it was love at first sight, she thought my grandfather was handsome and went out of her way to introduce herself.”

I gasped, “A lady in those days did no such thing!”

He laughed, “Well she said she did.”

“So what did your grandfather say about it?”

“My grandfather said he tried all he could to get rid of her, she was spoken for and he didn’t want any trouble from her father.” As if he sensed my next question Josh said, “My grandmother’s family was very wealthy and my grandfather was dirt poor.”

“They didn’t like your grandfather?”

Josh shook his head, “It wasn’t a matter of liking him or not, my grandmother was promised to another man, so they couldn’t be together.”

I sighed, “That’s so sad. Arranged marriages must’ve sucked.”

“I guess but at least you didn’t have to worry about loving someone and getting hurt by them.”

I stared at him, “No you just had to worry about whether they were being faithful because you knew they didn’t love you!”

Josh looked at me and smiled, “I hate it when you make a valid point.”

“Well get used to it,” I kissed him. “So what happened with your grandparents? Obviously they did end up together.”

“Before I get to that.” He picked up the cross. “My grandfather didn’t have much money so he couldn’t prove he was worthy of my grandmother, so he decided to leave town.” Josh covered my mouth, “I know you didn’t want to hear that but wait. The night before he was going to leave, he snuck into my grandmother’s house, into her bedroom. While my grandmother slept my grandfather slipped a note and this cross onto her bedside table. Before he left he kissed her cheek and then slipped off into the night.”

“Ohhh,” I gazed up at him, smiling. He leaned down to kiss my lips as I asked, “What did the note say?”

He chuckled and kissed me. “It said, and I’m paraphrasing at best. ‘My darling Sophia by the time you read this I’ll be far, far away. It pains me to see your beautiful face every day and know that I will never be the man that you deserve, I will never be worthy of you. I will always cherish the memories and the brief happiness I felt when I held you in my arms these last two months. My only hope is that one day I can return and take my rightful place in your life, in your heart. I love you my darling, I will never forget you. Forever yours, Thomas.’”

Just hearing the words his grandfather wrote to his grandmother flow from Josh’s lips made me smile, but hearing those words and imaging how terrible it must have been for them, to know that they couldn’t be together. My eyes started to fill with tears, “Oh honey.” I threw my arms around Josh, pressing my face against his chest. He whispered words so soft and sweet in my ear as he stroked my hair.

It took a few minutes but I managed to pull myself together long enough to gaze up at him, “Your grandmother must have been crushed to wake up and read that.”

“She was. She told me that she didn’t leave her room for weeks; she didn’t see anyone, she cried for hours, she would get sick but she barely ate anything. It drove her parents crazy; they didn’t know what was wrong with her.” He took a deep breath, “From what my grandmother tells me her parents were so worried about her that they sent for the doctor to come to see her -”

“Was she pregnant?” I broke in.

He nodded, “Yes it seems my grandparents weren’t that willing to wait. My great grandparents were furious when they found out that the father wasn’t the man she was promised too. My grandmother’s fiancé found out and all hell broke loose. My great grandparent’s reputation was hauled through the mud along with my grandmother’s. They were so shamed by my grandmother’s behavior that they left town, packed up and moved in the dead of the night. They, of course, settled here and with my grandmother free and pregnant, she got them to start searching for my grandfather. About a month later they found him and brought him back to town, forcing the two of them get married.”

“So it turned out for your grandparents.” I grinned.

Josh frowned, “Well they did end up together but they had their share of hardships. My great-grandparents didn’t really help them out much, which they didn’t really expect. And they also lost the baby not long after they got married.”

I glanced at the cross, “I can’t imagine how much happiness they felt to finally be together, only to lose their baby right after.”

“I guess it was a horrible time period for them after they lost the baby. My grandmother wasn’t herself and my grandfather threw himself into his work. I was told by friends of theirs that they didn’t think their marriage would last, they were barely speaking to each other and hardly went anywhere together.”

“Is that where this comes into play?” I held up the ring that was also in the box.

Josh nodded, “It’s an eternity band.” He took the ring from me and looked at it. “When my grandparents’ marriage seemed to be at the breaking point, they were fighting all the time, there were rumors that my grandfather was after straying and that he got the other woman pregnant. He denies to this day even looking at another woman since he met my grandmother, he swears up and down that the rumors were started by someone who wanted to cause trouble between my grandparents just to push my grandmother over the edge.”

“What do you believe?”

“Anna, I don’t believe that he could’ve cheated. I’ve seen the way my grandfather acts towards my grandmother, he adores her. Every single story I ever heard about them blows the supposed cheating story out of the water; every single word spoken between the two of them, the looks and the touches when they think no one is looking reinforces my belief. And the woman that was supposedly pregnant by my grandfather? Never had a baby and doesn’t even know who my grandfather is!”

Josh held the ring up to me, “A year to the day that my grandfather walked into my grandmother’s life, he took her out for dinner. After dinner, he got down on one knee in front of the entire restaurant. Taking her hand he told her how much she meant to him, how much he loved her and how his life wouldn’t be empty without her in it. He pulled out this ring and held it up to her and said, ‘My darling Sophia, on our wedding day you promised to love, honor and obey me but today I need you to promise me something else.’ My grandmother says she thought he was losing his mind, ‘what else is there to promise?’ she asked him. My grandfather gazed up into her eyes, ‘I need you to promise me that you will forever be mine. That from this day on you will not only love and honor me but you will wear this ring and know that every moment you wear it, you carry my heart and soul with you.’”

“Oh good lord,” I couldn’t help but stare at Josh, “Your grandfather was something else.”

He grinned, “My grandfather wanted his wife to know how he felt, always.” I couldn’t say anything, it sounded almost too good to be true. Could a man in those days really be that much of a romantic, in public? “My grandmother told me that she told him she would wear the ring, his heart and soul and whatever else he wanted if he just got off his knees and stopped drawing attention to them.”

I laughed, “I like that! So how did you end up with these? Aren’t your grandparents still alive?”

Josh nodded, “Yes, they are both alive and well. And still very much in love. A few years ago it seemed like all of my grandparents friends were dying so they began to fear that they were going to die soon. They redid their wills and decided to give their grandchildren the stuff they wanted them to have then instead of waiting until they were gone. My grandmother gave me these and told me that when the right woman came along, I’d know what to do with them.”

“Oh,” I put the cross and the ring back in the box and closed it up again, handed it back to him.

“What’s wrong?” He took the box but his eyes were searching mine.

Pasting a fake smile on my face I shook my head, “Nothing’s wrong Josh.”
How can I tell him that I wasn’t interested in anything that someone else wore?

“Anna don’t hand me that, I know there is something wrong.” He opened the box and unwrapped the cross and ring again. “Honey, I want you to have these. I want you to wear these until the moment that we decide to exchange vows in front of our family and friends.”

I shook my head, “Josh I can’t.”

All color seemed to drain from his face, “why not?”

“I won’t wear something that others have worn before me.”

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Gifts Of Every Kind

Marry me.”

I heard him say those words but my brain didn’t register that he was actually saying them so I laid there in his arms, frozen. So many things were running through my head at that moment, ‘YES!’ was the first and most insistent runner though. But dragging behind that ‘yes’ was ‘is he only asking to better his chances for getting custody’.
Don’t be so ridiculous! He wouldn’t use you like that, he’s not that selfish.

Josh sighed, “I take that as a ‘no’.” He went to roll away from me but I held him tight. Just him thinking that I would say no made me want to cry. “Anna it’s ok, I guess it is too soon to be asking.”

“I didn’t say no Josh,” I stated softly.

He nodded, “I know you didn’t. I just feel kind of stupid now.”

“Why?”

“Because you didn’t say anything and you froze. I could feel your whole body go stiff.” He gave a sad little chuckle, “It’s not the response that I was hoping for, so I guess it’s too soon.”

“Oh Josh, honey if you could have heard my mind you’d heave heard the response you were hoping for.” I groaned, “My mind screamed ‘yes’.”

He moved away from me for a moment, he must have turned to switch on the lamp because the room was suddenly flooded with light. “Oh god!” I buried my face against his chest. “It’s so bright!”

He laughed, “It’s supposed to be.” He tried to move back from me but I held fast to him. “Anna, please look at me.” Reluctantly I looked up at him through squinty eyes. “You seriously were thinking yes?” I nodded, “So what made you freeze? Or should I guess?”

I frowned as I looked off to the right. “I couldn’t help but wonder for a second if you were asking because it could help you with custody,” he went to say something but I covered his mouth. “Then I lectured myself for thinking that because you wouldn’t use me like that, and I know it.”

When I removed my hand from his mouth, he took a deep breath. “You are right; I wouldn’t do that to you. I know that you thought that because we were talking about custody.” He paused and took my left hand in his and lifted it to his mouth. With my palm facing him, he pressed his lips against the bottom of my ring finger. “Anna, do you know that you are the only person who seems to understand what I’m going through? You don’t try to make me feel better; you don’t try to give me words of encouragement. You let me have my space, you let me deal with my demons, and you let me come to you whenever I’m ready. You tell me exactly what you think not what you think I want to hear.” His lips turned up into a smile and then a big grin. “There are so many reasons why I love you, and every day I discover a few more.”

I couldn’t help but smile, never before had a guy gotten there and told me everything he loved about me, and didn’t include my body or my moves in bed. Josh leaned down and pressed a tiny kiss against my lips before he continued. “I want you to marry me; I want you to be my wife and to share everything this life has to offer the both of us. But,” he ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t want you to feel pressured to make a decision this soon. You can take time to think about it, if you need too. You can say yes and we can wait until later to tell everyone and plan our life together. You can say yes and we could go ahead with everything now. Hell, you can even tell me to get lost,” he chuckled, “but I’m hoping that’s not what you do.”

He was looking at me expectantly, he might not want an answer to marrying him but he did want to know where he stood. “Josh I love you, I really do.”

“But?”

I sighed, “Part of me wants to tell you yes and run with it but the other part of me, the logical part, wants to wait a little while longer.” I bit my lip, “The pregnancy scare had got me thinking about the future already, what would’ve happened if I would’ve been and if it would have been a good thing for us this early.”

“Would’ve been? We aren’t pregnant?” He seemed a little upset by this revelation. I shook my head ‘no’. “Are you sure? Did you do a test?” I nodded and told him about my afternoon with Susan. “Is it possible you tested too early? I mean, we only just started to make love, it could’ve been too early to tell.”

He sounded so hopeful that I hated to be the one to crush his dream. “I know my body Josh; I get the feeling I’m going to be bitchy soon.”

“Bitchy?” Josh looked confused for a brief second. “Oh. Well. Hmm.” I grinned; it was funny how you could always throw a guy off by mentioning that time of the month. He was quiet for a moment, and then he pushed back the sheets and jumped out of bed.

“Josh?” I sat up quickly.

He looked over his shoulder at me and smiled. “I have something I want to give you; I’ve wanted to give it to you for a while actually.”

“Oh?” I questioned but he didn’t say anything else as he opened the closet door and went to lean over.

“Umm? Anna?” Josh partially turned towards me. “Would you mind closing your eyes?”

“Is it that big of a surprise?” I asked getting really excited.

“Well, it’s a big deal for me to give this to you. But ahhh,” he shifted uncomfortably. “That’s not why I want you to close your eyes.”

“Why do you want me to close my eyes?” I asked him slowly while I tried to figure out what could possibly be the issue.

He coughed and I swear his cheeks got a little red. “Well…umm… I have to,” he coughed again. “What I have to get it’s…” he looked down to the boxes at his feet. “Down there.”

With a brow raised I started at him in utter confusion, “So?”

“Anna just close your eyes!”

I looked back and forth from the boxes to him a couple times and then it hit me, he had to bend over! “Oh!”

“Yeah, so please?”

I giggled as my eyes ran over his naked body, “Not comfortable bending over in front of me?”

His cheeks were bright red by now, the ones on his face that is! “I don’t think it’s my best angle honey.”

I tilted my head to the side as I checked out his butt. “Hmmm, it’s a nice butt though, I give it an 8.”

By this time, I thought he couldn’t get any redder but he proved me wrong. “Anna!” Then he frowned, “Why only an 8?” He glanced behind him.

I laughed and tossed a pillow at him, “I’m not that big a fan of asses!” Falling back against the bed, I almost died at my own joke. “Heeheehee asses,” I shook my head and pulled the blankets up over me. “How’s that?” I called from the dark recesses of the bed sheets.

“Good,” he replied and then I heard him rummaging through the boxes. I was tempted to sneak a peek but I didn’t want him to catch me and get mad. I couldn’t believe that a guy so confident and comfortable with himself could have an issue with any part of his amazing body.
Guess women aren’t the only ones who have self esteem issues.

I listened for his rumbling but I couldn’t hear anything. “Josh?”

“Yes beautiful?” I felt the mattress shift under his weight and saw flashes of light and naked man when he lifted the covers to slide in next to me. “Mmm,” I rolled over on my side and softly bit his thigh. “Yummy.”

“Get out of that!” He laughed and lifted the sheets. “Come here, I have something to show you.”

“My surprise?” When he had got back into bed, he moved our pillows behind him and was propped up against them. “What do you have?” I asked as cuddled next to him.

“This,” he handed me a box about the size of a CD case, only three times as thick and made of wood, not plastic. “Open it.”

Nervously, I lifted the lid off the box and slipped the bottom piece into it. With shaky hands, I slowly peeled back the thin paper and the protective cotton beneath it. “Oh my.”