Slow Turning

I was working when Carol came to pick Jesse up on Sunday. I know Josh didn’t want to let her take him but after talking to his lawyer and Zack, he reluctantly sent Jess home with her. He told me when I got to his place that night that it was so much worst than any other time.

“The first thing she asked me was if I took him to the doctor. I told her that you did, that you cared more about what happened to Jess than she did. She started to cry, blubbering something about wanting to take him; getting him all dressed up to go and out in the car. Then something about Phil coming home and making her get out of the car,” he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to believe Anna. I want to think that she cares enough about Jess to bring him to the doctor and part of me wants Phil to be that much of a prick but…” he shrugged. “I don’t know and when I asked Jesse about it, he just told me that Carol said I’d make him feel better.”

He told me that he made her promise to call him if Jesse is ever that sick again, “I don’t care what time it is, I want my son taken care of. You know what I mean honey?” He looked down at me; we were lying in his bed, talking. The entire time he was telling me about Carol being there I didn’t say a word. What could I really say that I haven’t already? When I tell him I wish Jesse could stay with him, he gets grumpy and negative. So I just nodded.

“When I told her that I spoke to my lawyer and the police, she seemed relieved. What do you think that was about? Why would she be happy about that?” He frowned, “Do you think that Phil could be abusive towards her and Jess?”

“Jess didn’t have any bruises or scars or broken bones,” I told him. “If Phil is abusive, it’s not physical.”

“So you think it’s mentally?”

I shrugged, “I don’t really know Josh. Maybe Carol is just bored with Phil and trying to get out of the relationship.” I wanted to say it wouldn’t be the first time she left a guy but I bit my tongue.

He shook his head, “She doesn’t seem like she’s bored, she seems…unsure of herself. That’s not Carol, she always was so confident and determined to get what she wanted. She just seems…”

I waited but he didn’t finish that statement. And frankly I didn’t really want to be talking about her. “Josh, why are you worrying about her? After what she did to you and her treatment of Jesse lately and not to mention the way she acted towards me; why are you so concerned about her?”

“She’s my son’s mother! I may not like her Anna but Jesse does. No one can take her place in his life.”

Not even me, I thought even though I knew I shouldn’t. “No one is trying to replace her Josh,” I turned away from him and pulled the blankets up to my chin.

“Anna,” Josh rolled onto his side and moved in behind me; his one arm slipping around my waist, while the other slipped under the pillow and wrapped around my neck and shoulder. “Jesse loves you, you know that right? He was upset that he didn’t get to see you before he left. I heard him telling Carol as they walked down the stairs, how you took care of him and brought ‘baby’ to play with him.” Josh chuckled, “He told her that you let him wear ‘big boy’ underwear even though he was stinky and that you held him when he wasn’t feeling good.”

“I love him Josh,” I whispered, my lips brushing lightly against his forearm as he held me.

“I know you do honey.”

We were quiet for a while. I was lost in my thoughts, wondering if it was stupid of me to think that maybe Josh was worrying about Carol because he still had feelings for her.

And I found, I had to know.

“Josh?” I spoke his name softly, I didn’t know if he was sleeping or not.

“Mmmm?” He shifted behind me.

“Do you…?” I paused; do I really want to ask this?

“Do I what Anna?” He mumbled against the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “Mmmm,” he chuckled as his arms tightened around me. “Did that feel good?”

I smiled, “Yes it did. It felt so good.”

Silence settled over the room again.

“What were you going to ask me?” He asked me. When I told him it was stupid, he told me that he still wanted to know what I was going to ask.

I sighed, “I was wondering if you were worried about Carol because you still loved her.” When he didn’t say anything right away, I started to panic. “Josh?” I half turned to look at him.

And he pulled away from me. He rolled over in bed and sat up.

“Josh?” I quickly sat up and moved over to where he sat. He moved away from the hand I lifted to his shoulder. “Honey I – ahhh!” I quickly covered my eyes as light flooded the room. “Warn a person!” I snapped as I lowered my hand and squinted in his direction.

When my eyes became accustom to the light, I realized that he was giving me this dirty look. “What?”

“I can’t believe you.”

“What do you mean?”

“After everything I’ve told you about her, you still think I love her?” He shook his head, “Anna there’s only one woman I love and I can assure you it isn’t her!”

“I’m sorry!” I reached out and took his hands in mine. “I knew that, in my heart, I knew that you didn’t but Josh…”

“But what?” Josh asked. “What on earth would make you question how I feel about you?”

“Not about me! About her!” I dropped his hands and stood up. “I never heard you speak about her like that, like you cared what was happening with her.”

Josh stood up in front of me, “Of course I care about what happens to her Anna! She was my wife; she’s the mother of my son! I may not love her but I don’t want anything bad to happen to her! Yeah, I may say mean things about her, I may call her names and complain about stuff she’s done but I wouldn’t wish for her to be in an abusive relationship. God Anna!” He grabbed my hands and brought them up to his chest. “Do you really think I’m that heartless?”

“No Josh, of course I don’t think you are heartless!”

Josh sighed and with a glance at the time he told me he should get some sleep. We crawled back into bed but he turned away from me. I laid there staring at his back for a good ten minutes before I had to ask, “Are you mad at me?”

He sighed, rolling over onto his back. “No,” he said as he rubbed his face with his hands. “I’m disappointed that you needed to question my concern for Carol.”

I think I would’ve preferred if he was mad at least then it wouldn’t hurt so much as hearing he was disappointed in me. “I’m sorry Josh,” I whispered as I fought back tears that threatened to spill.

“Honey…” he rolled onto his side and pulled me across the bed to him. He settled me against his body and kissed my forehead. “Anna please don’t, you didn’t do anything to be sorry for.”

“I feel stupid.”

“You are not,” he kissed my forehead again.

“I may not be but I feel stupid.”

“Hey! I’m not stupid either!” He said with a chuckle.

It took me a while to get what he meant, I rolled my eyes. “That was lame,” I told him with a smile.

“I know,” he told me. “But it got you to smile, didn’t it?” I nodded, it was true it did. I told him I loved him as I snuggled closer.

“I love you Anna.”

That night I dreamt that we were on a date and Carol showed up, screaming her undying love for him for the entire world to hear. When I woke up, Josh was mumbling something, I don’t know what it was he was dreaming but he groaned my name.

That was enough to make me forget about the dream I was having.