Fast Train: Are You In Or Are You Out?

What would I have done? I wasn’t so sure at the time what I would’ve done if he kissed me, I thought I might have let him but now I believe that my reaction this morning when he pulled me into his arms and tried to kiss me was exactly what would’ve happened. I smiled up at Josh and he frowned.

“I wasn’t so sure what I would do,” I told him honestly. “I thought at the time that I might have let him but now I know that I wouldn’t have. This morning proved that to me.”

When he asked me what I meant, I told him about the confrontation that Jordan and I had that morning. I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about the stripping and everything Jordan said to me but I found myself explaining it anyway. “…when he grabbed me and tried to kiss me, I slapped him across the face, telling him I told him I didn’t ever want him to do that. I ran out of the house right after, I couldn’t believe that he would do that to me.”

“I didn’t want him to kiss me Josh, I don’t ever want him to kiss me; it upsets me that he thought he could.” Josh didn’t say anything but he didn’t look away either, I found that surprisingly reassuring. “I don’t know what will happen to our friendship and I’m not sure that I care right now. I’m moving out of that house as soon as I can, I don’t feel that I can trust him anymore.”

We sat on the couch looking at each other for the longest time. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, I was lost in my own thoughts. I still couldn’t believe what happened this morning, and the idea of cutting Jordan out of my life both scared me and felt right. Things will never be the same for us, I thought. There is no way I can go on pretending everything is ok if he’s so hell bent on destroying my relationship with Josh. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, we’ve been through a lot together but until he accepts that Josh and I are together, I don’t know if I want to see him.

Josh slid closer to me; he wrapped his hand around my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing my palm. “Honey, I know you are mad at him but I don’t think you really want to cut him out of your life. You know you wouldn’t be happy.”

I was shocked as hell, I thought for sure that Josh would like that Jordan wouldn’t be around. “How can you sit there and say that? He questions your feelings for me, he’s determined to come between us and he thinks you are trying to control me. You have made it pretty clear that you don’t trust him and you don’t like him, I thought you would’ve been jumping for joy!”

“I’m not happy with what he’s done Anna and yes, I don’t really want him around you because I know he hasn’t accepted us but he’s your best friend. Can you really tell me that you won’t miss him?” I started to tell him I could tell him that but he shook his head. “You may think that now honey but what happens in a couple days or weeks when you really miss him? Will you start to resent me because I’m part of the reason you two aren’t talking?” He lifted both my feet off the couch and slid closer, laying my legs over his.

“Jordan isn’t the only one who thinks I’m somewhat controlling, your brother said the same thing when I spoke to him earlier. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t telling you what to do or anything, I just knew what I wanted out of life.” Josh frowned, “Maybe that seems a little controlling to everyone else,” he looked at me. “Do you feel that I’m stopping you from being who you are?”

“Josh,” I sighed. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t think that he was controlling but I did notice that there were some things that I tried to stop because I knew he didn’t like them.

“I guess that answers my question,” he said sadly. “I’m sorry you feel that you can’t be yourself around me Anna; I love the woman you are, I don’t want you to change. But I can’t help wanting things to be a certain way.”

He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, “I wasn’t sure of what I wanted when I got married the first time so I let Carol dictate everything we did. Hell, I knew something was wrong with our marriage but I did nothing to change it, I thought she was happy because she was still there and I thought that I was happy. It took her leaving me for what she called a ‘real man’ to wake up and realize that I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. I don’t think that the relationship would’ve survived if I did know what I wanted back then, we weren’t right for each other, I know that.”

“Everyone thinks we are moving too fast,” he told me. “My family is concerned that I’m rushing things because I don’t want to be alone, that I need to prove it to myself that a woman can love me and want to be with me. They think that I should slow down and let our relationship progress at a ‘normal’ pace.”

“But Anna, I don’t think I’m moving too fast; I know what I want. I asked you to marry me and move in with me because I’ve never felt the way I do about you with anyone else; us together just feels so right.” He paused for a moment. “Do you think I’m moving too fast?”

I closed my eyes, “I think that we are both moving too fast.” I heard him release a breath and felt his disappointment. Opening my eyes, I stared into his, “I don’t know how to explain it; I feel that we are so right for each other but I am worried that if we take too many big steps too fast it will end up hurting both of us in the end.”

“What do you mean?” He looked so confused and I wouldn’t blame him, I didn’t even understand what I was saying.

I tried to gather my thoughts, I wanted to tell him that I love him and I wanted to be with him. I wanted to let him know that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and the thoughts of not being with him…I don’t want to think of that, he has made my life so much happier. I lifted my butt off the couch and sat on his lap. I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek before I spoke again. “I love you Josh, I know that will never change; I want to be with you, grow old with you. I want to spend forever in your arms.”

He smiled at my words, “I want all that too Anna.”

I stroked his cheek and smiled. “I want all that so badly…”

His smile disappeared, “But?”

My fingers brushed his lips, “But I think we need to slow things down.”

Josh stared into my eyes for the longest time before he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his warm embrace. “Ok,” he whispered. “I’ll slow down because I don't want to lose you and…”

I pulled back just enough to smile down at him with a questioning look in my eye. He smiled at me, “…I don’t want to miss any of the important moments between us in our journey towards forever.”