Fast Train: Are You In Or Are You Out?

What would I have done? I wasn’t so sure at the time what I would’ve done if he kissed me, I thought I might have let him but now I believe that my reaction this morning when he pulled me into his arms and tried to kiss me was exactly what would’ve happened. I smiled up at Josh and he frowned.

“I wasn’t so sure what I would do,” I told him honestly. “I thought at the time that I might have let him but now I know that I wouldn’t have. This morning proved that to me.”

When he asked me what I meant, I told him about the confrontation that Jordan and I had that morning. I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about the stripping and everything Jordan said to me but I found myself explaining it anyway. “…when he grabbed me and tried to kiss me, I slapped him across the face, telling him I told him I didn’t ever want him to do that. I ran out of the house right after, I couldn’t believe that he would do that to me.”

“I didn’t want him to kiss me Josh, I don’t ever want him to kiss me; it upsets me that he thought he could.” Josh didn’t say anything but he didn’t look away either, I found that surprisingly reassuring. “I don’t know what will happen to our friendship and I’m not sure that I care right now. I’m moving out of that house as soon as I can, I don’t feel that I can trust him anymore.”

We sat on the couch looking at each other for the longest time. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, I was lost in my own thoughts. I still couldn’t believe what happened this morning, and the idea of cutting Jordan out of my life both scared me and felt right. Things will never be the same for us, I thought. There is no way I can go on pretending everything is ok if he’s so hell bent on destroying my relationship with Josh. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, we’ve been through a lot together but until he accepts that Josh and I are together, I don’t know if I want to see him.

Josh slid closer to me; he wrapped his hand around my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing my palm. “Honey, I know you are mad at him but I don’t think you really want to cut him out of your life. You know you wouldn’t be happy.”

I was shocked as hell, I thought for sure that Josh would like that Jordan wouldn’t be around. “How can you sit there and say that? He questions your feelings for me, he’s determined to come between us and he thinks you are trying to control me. You have made it pretty clear that you don’t trust him and you don’t like him, I thought you would’ve been jumping for joy!”

“I’m not happy with what he’s done Anna and yes, I don’t really want him around you because I know he hasn’t accepted us but he’s your best friend. Can you really tell me that you won’t miss him?” I started to tell him I could tell him that but he shook his head. “You may think that now honey but what happens in a couple days or weeks when you really miss him? Will you start to resent me because I’m part of the reason you two aren’t talking?” He lifted both my feet off the couch and slid closer, laying my legs over his.

“Jordan isn’t the only one who thinks I’m somewhat controlling, your brother said the same thing when I spoke to him earlier. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t telling you what to do or anything, I just knew what I wanted out of life.” Josh frowned, “Maybe that seems a little controlling to everyone else,” he looked at me. “Do you feel that I’m stopping you from being who you are?”

“Josh,” I sighed. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t think that he was controlling but I did notice that there were some things that I tried to stop because I knew he didn’t like them.

“I guess that answers my question,” he said sadly. “I’m sorry you feel that you can’t be yourself around me Anna; I love the woman you are, I don’t want you to change. But I can’t help wanting things to be a certain way.”

He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, “I wasn’t sure of what I wanted when I got married the first time so I let Carol dictate everything we did. Hell, I knew something was wrong with our marriage but I did nothing to change it, I thought she was happy because she was still there and I thought that I was happy. It took her leaving me for what she called a ‘real man’ to wake up and realize that I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. I don’t think that the relationship would’ve survived if I did know what I wanted back then, we weren’t right for each other, I know that.”

“Everyone thinks we are moving too fast,” he told me. “My family is concerned that I’m rushing things because I don’t want to be alone, that I need to prove it to myself that a woman can love me and want to be with me. They think that I should slow down and let our relationship progress at a ‘normal’ pace.”

“But Anna, I don’t think I’m moving too fast; I know what I want. I asked you to marry me and move in with me because I’ve never felt the way I do about you with anyone else; us together just feels so right.” He paused for a moment. “Do you think I’m moving too fast?”

I closed my eyes, “I think that we are both moving too fast.” I heard him release a breath and felt his disappointment. Opening my eyes, I stared into his, “I don’t know how to explain it; I feel that we are so right for each other but I am worried that if we take too many big steps too fast it will end up hurting both of us in the end.”

“What do you mean?” He looked so confused and I wouldn’t blame him, I didn’t even understand what I was saying.

I tried to gather my thoughts, I wanted to tell him that I love him and I wanted to be with him. I wanted to let him know that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and the thoughts of not being with him…I don’t want to think of that, he has made my life so much happier. I lifted my butt off the couch and sat on his lap. I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek before I spoke again. “I love you Josh, I know that will never change; I want to be with you, grow old with you. I want to spend forever in your arms.”

He smiled at my words, “I want all that too Anna.”

I stroked his cheek and smiled. “I want all that so badly…”

His smile disappeared, “But?”

My fingers brushed his lips, “But I think we need to slow things down.”

Josh stared into my eyes for the longest time before he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his warm embrace. “Ok,” he whispered. “I’ll slow down because I don't want to lose you and…”

I pulled back just enough to smile down at him with a questioning look in my eye. He smiled at me, “…I don’t want to miss any of the important moments between us in our journey towards forever.”

I'd Rather Hurt You Honestly...

The first thought I had when Josh told me that Jordan called him was he had time to call someone else while he spazzed on the speed dial button with my number on it? “What did he say?” I asked as I sat up quickly, searching Josh’s features for some sign that Jordan wasn’t a complete ass and told him everything. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide it from Josh, I just didn’t think that he should have to hear it from Jordan because we all know how well that would go over.

“He just told me that you two had a fight,” Josh got up and made his way over to the front door, where my jacket was hanging. The phone had stopped by the time he pulled it out of my pocket but he walked over and handed it to me anyway.

We sat side by side on the couch, looking at each other; I wasn’t sure once again what he was thinking but I had a feeling that there was something he wanted to say.

My cell started to ring again; I flipped my phone opened and held down on the ‘end’ button, turning it off. “I don’t wish to talk to him,” I replied to the unspoken question that hung in the air.

Josh seemed a little surprised that I did that, he stared at his hands for a moment before he spoke. “Jordan did something that really upset you, didn’t he?”

I nodded, he turned to me. “It’s something that would upset me if I knew, isn’t it?”

Again, I nodded. There was no point in lying, if he found out later that I lied, it would be worst than telling him the truth now.

Josh sat back against the couch, “I had a feeling there was something,” he told me. “Even this morning, I picked up on some kind of vibe. You were pretty upset when he showed up and I didn’t feel it had anything to do with his statement about me asking you to move in.”

He took a deep breath and turned to face me again. “I don’t need to know all the details but I want to know.”

“What do you want to know?” I asked him, partly because I really didn’t want to talk about it, I wanted to forget that it ever happened.

Josh stared at me, maybe my question made him wonder if he really even wanted to know anything. For a moment I thought he was going to drop the subject but he didn’t. “I’ve been thinking about it all day, telling myself that I was crazy. I tried to reason that you didn’t seem too happy about moving in with me because you thought it was too soon but when he called me tonight, I wondered if I wasn’t missing something. He wouldn’t tell me what you two fought about, he didn’t tell me why you ran out of the house in a hurry. He didn’t want to tell me anything and he seemed nervous.” Josh ran a hand through his hair, “I want you to be honest with me, even if you think I can’t take it Anna. Can you do that?”

I turned, pulling my legs up in front of me as I leaned my shoulder against the back of the couch. “I can do that,” I told him. “I’ll tell you what ever it is that you wish to know. I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

Josh nodded and took turned to sit in a similar fashion to me, only he had one leg up on the couch instead of two and his one hand was resting on that knee. “Good, I don’t want you to hide anything from me.”

I watched him as he tried to figure out how to word the thoughts that were running around in his head. He seemed to have a problem with what he was thinking, there were times that he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. So I took the conversation reins in hand and asked him if he wanted to know why I was mad at Jordan. He hesitated and I knew that was part of his thought process that was giving him trouble. “If you want to know Josh, I’ll tell you. Just be sure that it’s really what you want.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, then sighed and opened them. “I want to know what is going on with you and Jordan. I want to know why you are refusing to talk to him and what caused you to run to your brother’s place this morning.”

My jaw dropped, “You talked to Zack?” That lying bastard! He told me he wouldn’t do that. I felt so betrayed by Zack but I also felt relieved that he saved me the trouble of telling Josh. I was also surprised that Josh seemed ok with me not moving in with him.

“Yes, I talked to Zack.” Josh picked the lint on his couch, “I know that he advised you to move home instead of in with me.”

I nodded, “I didn’t go there to ask him if I could move home Josh.”

“I know, he told me that I was crazy if I thought he was going to let you move in with me this early in our relationship.” Josh smiled, “Maybe I am crazy? I always thought that you were old enough to make your own decisions and justify your actions.”

“I am old enough Josh,” I reached out and touched his hand, he didn’t pull it away but he didn’t take my hand in his either. “I had no intentions of talking to Zack about moving home, I just needed someone to talk to about what was happening with Jordan.” Josh raised his eyebrow but didn’t speak. I sighed, “Last night he come home drunk and wanted to talk about earlier…” I told him about being in bed and the stuff that took place after he came into my room, everything that happened.

Josh shifted on the couch, he wasn’t looking at me so I stopped talking to wait and see if he would say anything; it took a few minutes but he did ask me, “If he did kiss you, what would you have done?”

Just Love Me

Zack had given me his word that he wouldn’t run interference for me. He told me that despite his better judgment, he would let me handle Josh on my own but did offer to help if I needed any. So when Josh told met hat he thought we needed to talk, my thoughts immediately jumped to Jordan.

From the time I left the house that morning until the time I left work, Jordan called my cell phone a total of 22 times; 4 before he left the house for work, 3 from his cell on the way to work, 6 from work, 4 more on his cell after work and then 5 more when he got home. And with those 22 calls, he left me a couple messages asking me to call him, ‘please don’t do this,’ he begged in one message. Needless to say, I didn’t call him back; I wasn’t as mad at him as I was when I ran out of the house, but I was still pretty pissed off.

I wasn’t quite sure what I would tell Josh, I wasn’t sure if he needed to know the details of what went down with Jordan or if telling him I was completely ticked off with him was good enough. But you don’t know what Jordan told him, I thought. He could already know and that’s what he wants to talk to you about. I wanted to head him off and explain it to him but for some reason I didn’t, I stood there and stared at him chest, wondering what the night would bring.

To my surprise, Josh took my hand in his and pulled me into his arms. Without a word he gave me a tight squeeze and kissed my forehead. I glanced up at him; this wasn’t the action I thought he’d take from his greeting just seconds ago. I went to ask him what was going on but he touched the tip of his finger against my lips, silencing me.

Stepping back from me, he reached out his hand and closed his door, locking it in one easy motion. I searched his face, trying to find some indication of how he was feeling but he was hiding his emotions very well. His eyes didn’t lift to mine as his fingers grasped the pull of my jacket’s zipper to drag it down over the curve of my breasts but a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he slipped his hands inside the zipper to slide my jacket back over my shoulders and spotted my work smock. “I was in a hurry,” I told him.

With a slight nod of his head, Josh worked my jacket down over my arms until I was free from the sleeves. Then he turned to quickly hang it up, his hands only leaving me for a minute, if that, it seemed. His attention was on the strings that held my smock closed at my waist, he was leaning to the side as he slowly pulled them loose, one after the other. Just having him touching me, removing my clothes like this, made me wonder if he wasn’t horny and one glance downwards told me that he was definitely excited. If his touch wasn’t enough, just seeing the affect this was having on him, magnified my response greatly; I had to bite my lip to stop from moaning and my nails dug into my the palm of my hands as I tried to hold back from stopping him so I could direct his attention to other areas that needed his gentle caresses.

Once both sets of strings were untied, Josh’s fingertips trailed up over my sides, sending shivers throughout my body. It’s only then that he looked up, his blue eyes clouded with the same desire that ran through my body. As he lifted the smock from me, I lifted my hands to his waist; I wanted him closer.

Gone were any thoughts on what he wanted to talk about, if he would’ve asked me then, I don’t know if I could’ve told him my own name. My only focus was on the man in front of me and how I could make him feel as hot all over as he made me with just a few simple touches.

Josh lowered his head when my hands gripped his shirt and spoke softly. My fingers tightened even more around the material it held as a wave of pleasure washed over me from the simple ‘patience beautiful’ that fell from his lips. Oh how I want those lips on my skin, I thought; I couldn’t believe how badly I yearned for him.

His breath was warm against my neck, “You distracted me,” he chuckled softly.

“But I didn’t do anything,” I told him before I pressed my lips against his throat.

His groaned response was deep, almost as if he came from the very depths of his soul. He told me that just a look was enough to make him forget everything. “I want…” his voice trailed off as he rubbed his thumbs over my harden nipples. He smiled, his whole face lit up when I grasped his upper arms to stop from melting on the spot. “You like that?”

“Mmmhmm!” Was all I could manage to reply with.

Josh picked me up and carried me over to the couch, laying me down on my back. But instead of joining me, he sat on the floor next to the couch. When I reached for him, he told me that he wanted to make love to me, “But I think we should talk about you moving in first.”

I’ll admit I didn’t want to talk at all. I whined, which I hated to do. I told him I’d talk about anything if he just take me into his room and let me drive him wild.

I wish I could say he gave in but he didn’t. He just gave me a kiss on the cheek.

And then my phone rang.

Josh sighed, “It’s probably Jordan,” he told me. “He called here a few times tonight, asking me to get you to call him when you get here.”

Let's Talk About...

I spent the morning with Zack, following him around like I did when I was little apparently. With Mary coming home on Sunday, he was starting to do some of the housework that he had been putting off while she was gone.

When I asked him why he was cleaning he told me that he wanted everything to be perfect when Mary got home. “I don’t think she should have to come home and clean here when she’s been working her butt off with Susan.”

“You are so whipped,” I jokingly told him.

“That may be Anna,” he laughed. “I make no excuses for it.”

I watched my brother as he pulled the cleaning supplies out from the cupboard. “You aren’t expecting Mary to put out when she gets home and it’s clean, are you?”

Zack looked over his shoulder at me, a grin on his face. “I don’t expect my wife to do anything she doesn’t wish too.” He closed the cupboard door and straightened up, “You’ll understand when you get married that you do things just to make your partner’s life easier, not for your own gain.”

I probably would’ve believed him if I didn’t see the look he had on his face when he started out of the kitchen with the cleaning products.

Two hours later, I flipped the vacuum off and scanned the family room; a room that I used to spend all my time in. I started to think about growing up in this house and all the times that I had my friends over. I started to think about Jordan and wondered where things got so complicated. Would he have made a move if Josh didn’t come into my life? Has he really felt this way about me for a while? If I don’t give him a chance, will I regret it later?

It all seemed so easy. It didn’t seem like it should be so hard to figure out if I should forget that Jordan says he has feelings for me or if I should act on them. With him being my best friend all this time, I knew that we got along really well, and I guess everyone assumes that we are perfect for each other already. If Josh wasn’t in the picture, I wouldn’t have to think twice at all; I would see where things went with Jordan.

But Josh is in the picture, I told myself. My feelings for him are so strong; I don’t want to give up what we have.

Collapsing on the couch, I held my head in my hands. I thought that all this would be over by now, Jordan seemed to be back to normal; he seemed to forget that he felt anything for me. When did he change his mind?

I knew I didn’t have to really ask, I knew when things changed again; the night that we all went out to celebrate, when I started to see him in another light. Why does it have to be so difficult? What am I going to do?

When Zack had to get ready to go to work, I left his house. He told me I was welcome to stay. “Maybe you should bring some stuff over tonight,” he told me as he walked me to the door. “I won’t be home until late but the girls will be here. I know they would love to see you.”

“I promised Josh that I would go over there after work, to talk about moving in with him.” Zack made a face, “What?”

He shook his head, “I still can’t believe that he asked you to move in. What was he thinking?” I told him I didn’t know. “Well, I hope he understands why you aren’t moving in.”

After reassuring him that Josh would understand, I gave Zack a hug and thanked him for being there for me. “That’s what I’m here for sis,” he said as he squeezed me extra hard. “I just wish that you would come to me before things get bad.”

“I know but I like to handle things for myself,” I smiled at him. “I don’t want to have to run to you for every little thing, that’s why you have kids!”

He laughed, “That is so true.”

He stood in the doorway, watching me until I drove off, just knowing that he was there to help me made me feel that everything would be ok.

Work that night wasn’t that exciting, it was busy but there wasn’t anyone interesting coming through the department. A couple times Bella came over to speak to me but it was too busy for us to really talk.

I was so ready for work to end when ten rolled around. I didn’t wait for anyone else, I didn’t stop to talk to anyone either. When someone tried to stop me to talk I told them I had something important I had to do as I continued to walk. I know it was probably rude, but I wanted to get home to Josh. I wanted to be in his arms.

The drive to his place seemed to take less time than normal; I was standing at his door in no time at all. I pulled out my key to slip it into the lock when the door swung open.

Looking very handsome and a little upset, Josh gazed down at me, “I’m glad you are here,” his voice was soft but it had a little edge to it. “I think we need to talk.”

You Raise Me Up

I was shaking so badly as I drove around, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I had to get away from him. Well you can’t drive around forever, I thought as I passed the same building for the third time. Go visit someone, maybe they can help you figure this out.

The first one who popped into my head was Nick, but he’s Jordan’s brother so that wouldn’t work. Then I turned towards Bella’s before I remembered that she was seeing Jordan. Try as I might I couldn’t think of anyone of my friends I could visit, every friend I had was either friends with Jordan or connected to him somehow. And he thinks Josh is trying to control my life?? I laughed at the irony in that.

There was only one place I could go where I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about them looking out for Jordan’s interests over mine, at least they better not! I turned my car in that direction, hoping that they would have time to talk to me this morning.

The front door opened as I got out of car.

“But daddy,” Cassie whined as Zack shooed her and her sisters out of the house. “Mom would let me drive to school.”

“Yeah well your mom also said ‘I do’ to me, so I know she’s crazy.” Zack chuckled, “Now get out of here, if you miss the bus you are walking!”

I had to laugh as I made my way to them, “And trust me girls, he’ll make you do it too!” They younger two sped off down the lane but Cassie hung back.

“It’s not fair Aunt Anna; daddy still treats me like a little girl!” She turned to Zack, “I’m 16 you know!”

“And you still call me ‘daddy’. Come give daddy a kiss goodbye baby,” Zack held out his arms and moved towards her, making kissing noises as he went.

“You need help,” Cassie informed him but she still gave him a kiss on the cheek before she went to join her sisters to wait for the bus.

We stood on the front step until the bus came to get the girls. Then finally Zack turned to me, “Now what do I owe this honor Anna?” He asked as he led me into the house. I tried to tell him that I just wanted to come for a visit but he damn near laughed in my face. “This early in the morning Anna?” He shook his head, “I know better than that, there’s something wrong, what’s going on?”

“Is Mary home?” I asked, I didn’t really want to talk to him about what was going on.

“No, she’s at Chad’s until Sunday,” he told me. When I asked why she was there he stopped and gave me a funny look. “She’s helping Susan with packing and cleaning.”

“Why? Are they moving?”

“You are kidding right?” When I told him ‘no’, he shook his head. “Anna where the hell have you been? Chad and Susan are moving down here on Sunday!” I was shocked, where the hell have I been?

We ended up in the kitchen, Zack got himself a coffee and me some orange juice before he joined me at the table, “I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that you didn’t know. We haven’t really seen you much since Christmas break.” He took a sip from his mug. “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up too? Starting with this,” he grabbed my hand and pointed to the ring on my finger. “Funny, I don’t recall anyone coming to me to ask for your hand in marriage.”

“It’s not an engagement ring,” I told him but he didn’t believe me. “Zack, I’m serious!”

He looked closer at the ring, he didn’t seem too happy to have any ring there, no matter what it was. “Then why don’t you tell me what it is.”

So I did, I launched into the story of Josh’s grandparents and how I ended up with the ring and the cross necklace. I wasn’t going to tell him anything else, I didn’t think he’d want to know but I found that I couldn’t stop talking when I wanted too. I ended up telling him everything from the time I last spent any amount of time with him and my family to this morning when I ran out of the house. He was silent the entire time although he did show some emotion when I told him about Josh asking me to move in and Jordan’s advances.

“I don’t know what to do Zack. I love him, I know I do but I don’t know if I want to move in to with him just now, I can’t help but wonder if he is only asking now because of Jordan, and it’s not even like Josh’s apartment is big enough for both of us and Jess.” I sighed, “I know I can’t stay at Jordan’s anymore,” I told him.

Zack pushed away from the table and stood up. “Unbelievable! What the hell are they thinking? Seriously?” I jumped back in my chair, I didn’t think he would react like this. I knew he wouldn’t be happy but he seemed so mad. “You’re damn right you aren’t staying at Jordan’s any longer and there’s no way in hell I’m letting you move in with Josh! It’s way too soon, you aren’t doing it!”

“But I’m old…”

“I don’t care how old you are, you came to me for advice, help or whatever and that’s exactly what you are getting.” He leaned down, one hand resting on the back of my chair and the other on the table in front of me. “I know you love Josh and I know that Jordan is your best friend but neither one of them should be doing this to you. You need to get away from the both of them and figure out what you really want.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“I’m not suggesting anything Anna, I’m telling you. You are moving out of Jordan’s house and you are coming home!”

“No, I’m not! Zack I can’t do that, it wouldn’t help me at all.”

“But living with Jordan and being constantly torn between two guys that mean a lot to you help?”

“I can move out on my own! I don’t need to come back here.”

“Do you have $2400 Anna?” When I asked him what he was talking about he sighed. “It costs $800 to rent a 2 bedroom apartment in town. The rental companies require first and lasts months rent and the damage deposit before you even move in. Do you have that kind of money just sitting around Anna? Can you afford to pay $800 a month plus utilities, on top of all the other bills you have?”

I tried to say that I could do it but with a car payment, insurance, health care, and every thing else, I knew that it would be tough; I didn’t make that much working. “I could get a second job Zack.”

“You could Anna, you’d be working all the time just to pay for something you didn’t even need in the beginning. You can come home, I told you that before and so has Mary.”

“I know,” I told him. “But living at home? Now?” I didn’t want to say it but I didn’t want to feel like a loser after being out of the house for so long.

“There’s nothing wrong with living at home Anna. It’s the one place you should go when you have nowhere else to go.”

I started to say I could move in with Josh, “Like hell you will!” Zack snapped. “I don’t know what the hell he thinks he’s doing but there’s no way that you are living with him. You only just started dating Anna! It’s way too fast for a big commitment like that. Josh is a good guy, I have nothing against him but he is 32 and looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. I’m not saying that person isn’t you, it could very well be. I just don’t want you to be so caught up in his life that you forget you have one too.”

“Even if it’s only for a little while, you are moving back home. Please don’t argue with me about it either, I’m only trying to help you.”

I knew it, I did. I think that deep down that was the reason I went out there that morning. I wanted him to tell me I could come home.

Winter Just Wasn't My Season

“Some times you are such a jerk,” I snapped at Jordan as he stood there with arrogant grin on his face. He started to say something but I didn’t want to hear it and I told him that. “Just leave us alone.”

As Jordan stalked off, I turned to Josh who had gotten off his knees when Jordan came home. “Honey…” I went to him, wrapped my arms around his waist and held him. I honestly didn’t know what to say about moving in with him. I thought we needed to talk about it more.

We stood in each other’s arms for a long time; it felt so good I didn’t want it to end. And if it wasn’t for his watch beeping, he probably would still be holding me. “Anna,” he kissed the top of my head. “I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, he’s not the reason I want us to live together.”

“I know,” I told him as I tried to snuggle closer to him. It was true, I did know that but I did wonder if that was the reason he wanted it to happen so soon.

“I have to go,” he sighed. “Were we getting together after you get off work tonight?”

“Mmmhmm,” I gave him a squeeze before I smiled up at him. “I was going to come over after, is that ok?”

He told me that sounded great. “I hope that we can talk about this then?”

I giggled, “Will you be half asleep?”

“No!” He chuckled, “I’ll be fully awake, even if I have to take a nap after I get off work!”

I walked him the three feet to the door and gave him a kiss before he jogged away. Before closing the door, I noticed that my car was now sitting in the driveway.

That jerk! I closed the door harder than I meant too and made a beeline straight for Jordan’s room. “What the hell were you doing taking my car without even asking?” I asked him as his door bounced off the wall as I threw it open.

Jordan turned towards me slowly, “It’s not the first time I’ve borrowed your car without asking.”

“No, it’s not.” I agreed. “But damn it Jordan, you came home drunk! And you think I wouldn’t mind you stealing my car?”

He rolled his eyes, “I’m not going to argue with you, so stop trying to pick a fight. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get in the shower and get ready for work.” He turned to his dressed and was going through the top drawer for a pair of underwear and socks when I picked up his pillow and flung it at him.

“Don’t turn away from me when I’m talking to you!” I snapped at him as he looked over his shoulder at me.

“You really need to calm down Anna,” he said softly, which irritated the hell out of me.

“How could you Jordan? Why would you say something like that to Josh?”

He slammed his drawer shut. “Because it’s true! Why can’t you see that he’s only trying to control you? Wanting you to move in because he misses you? HA! He wants you to move in so that you are around him 24 hours and not living a life of your own!”

“No, that’s not true!”

“Yes is it!” Jordan came over to me, “Since you started seeing him, you’ve changed! You don’t do anything without his approval. When you do try to do something without him, he’s calling you or showing up unexpectantly!”

“I’m still the same person I always was Jordan!”

Jordan stared down at me for a minute and then he shrugged, “Fine, whatever. Move in with Josh, be his little robot. See if I care.”

“Jordan it’s not -”

“Anna, I don’t care. It’s your life, do what you want. I have to get ready for work, please leave.”

I didn’t move I stood there staring at him. I wanted to tell him that Josh wasn’t like that, that he would see. I don’t need his approval, I do things I want to do. And yes, I want to spend time with him, I don’t like not being with him. “Jordan…” I started to say something but he rolled his eyes at me.

“What will it take to get you to leave me alone?” He asked and then he gave me a smile. “I bet I know,” he reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. When I didn’t move, he laughed, “Interesting. You know it’s all coming off,” he said as he undid the button on his jeans and pulled the zipper down. My eyes remained on his face, as he pushed his jeans to the floor.

“Not much left,” he said in a teasing tone. “I’d get out if I were you, Josh wouldn’t like it if you saw me naked, especially after last night.”

I rolled my eyes, “You aren’t going to strip in front of me.” I told him as I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.

“No?” He raised a brow and smiled at me. “I guess you’ll soon find out.” Jordan shortened the distance between us. “I’d get out of here if I were you, these are coming off.” When I didn’t move he shrugged, “Ok.”

I couldn’t see what he was doing; he was too close to see where his hands went when they weren’t in my line of vision. He was moving around in front of me when he raised a brow and looked down, “Huh! Looks like ‘little Jordy’ is up this morning.”

And that’s when I looked down.

“I KNEW IT!” He exclaimed as my head snapped back up. “It’s that right there Anna that makes me wonder if you really know what you are doing with Josh.”

I rolled my eyes at him, “That means nothing Jordan!”

“No?” He frowned, “For some reason I don’t think that Josh would think you standing there watching me get naked means nothing.”

“You didn’t get naked,” I pointed out.

He chuckled, “No I didn’t. But you looked anyway.”

“Whatever Jordan,” I went to leave but he grabbed my arm and turned me around. “Jor-”

My words got lost as his mouth covered mine. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying to kiss me. And when that realization struck, I snapped.

Pulling back from him, I didn’t even give him a chance to say anything before my hand landed soundly against his cheek. “I told you never to do that again!”

I ran from his room, started to head for mine when I heard him call out to me. I changed my direction, I ran out through the kitchen. Grabbing my keys from the table, I barely slipped on my boots and took my jacket before I was out the door.

“Anna wait!”

I fumbled with the remote for a moment and panic set in as I saw Jordan coming down the steps towards me. He didn’t bother to grab a jacket, only his boots. If I wasn’t so upset with him I probably would’ve yelled at him to get his butt back in the house, he was only wearing his boxers.

As I drove away, I knew I couldn’t go back. That there was no way Jordan and I could ever live together after that.

I didn’t even know if we could be friends.

Simple Request

I stood there in the cold and stared at him, there was something about the way he said that he needed to tell me something, that just made me nervous. I knew I upset him the night before, and I was afraid that maybe he was tired of me. That he wanted to end things because he couldn’t take my moods anymore.

“What did you need to talk about?” I asked, wrapping my arms around myself to fight off the cold air that was blowing through my clothes.

“Can we go inside?” He asked as my teeth chattered again.

I led him inside; he stopped in the porch and sat on the bench. I stood in the doorway of the kitchen. “Did you want to come in here where it’s warmer?” I asked, I felt that if he was in further, what he had to tell me wouldn’t be to bad.

Josh shook his head, “I can’t stay long honey.” He held out his hand to me, “Why don’t you come join me here?”

He called me honey and wants me to join him, I thought as I slipped my hand in his and sat next to him. It can’t be that bad, can it? Staring up at him, I nervously chewed on my bottom lip; I couldn’t have been more worried.

Slipping of his gloves, he lifted his left hand to my face. I closed my eyes as his fingers caressed my cheek. “Anna,” he sighed and dropped his hand onto my lap.

My lip trembled as my eyes opened again, “You aren’t breaking up with me? Are you Josh?”

His brow jumped as he gazed into my eyes, “Why would I do that?” He asked me softly.

“You said you had something to say that I wouldn’t like, I can’t think of anything else but that. I know I got mad at you last night for no reason, I know that I get upset easily but I don’t mean to. I don’t want to lose you Josh.” He looked away from me and my heart fell. “Josh? Please tell me what’s going on.”

“You are right,” he started as he stared at the floor. “I did say I needed to tell you something you didn’t like.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “But I don’t want to break up with you.”

“You are right about something else too. You do get upset easily and you do take it out on me. I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t affect me because it does; I hate it when you do that.” I nodded; I knew it would be an issue sooner or later. “But Anna, that’s not what I hate the most.”

It took me a moment but I found my voice, “What do I do that upsets you more than that?”

“It’s not what you do, it’s the situation.” He sighed, “And it’s partly my own insecurities.”

“Insecurities? Josh what do you have to be insecure about? You are an amazing man, everyone loves you.”

He chuckled, “You know, that’s part of what I love about you.” He gave me a kiss on the cheek, “You don’t see all my faults, even when they are staring you in the face. Honey, I’m not perfect. I have things I’m unsure of.”

“Like what?”

“Honestly?” He asked and I nodded. “I’m afraid that one day you’ll wake up and see that I’m not as perfect as you seem to think I am.”

“Josh,” I scoffed. “Like that is ever going to happen!”

He took my hand in his, “Why wouldn’t it? It has happened before,” he looked down at our hands. “That’s not even what I wanted to talk about though.”

“Then what did you want to talk about?”

“I was laying awake last night, thinking about our conversation wishing that I had the guts to tell you I was coming over despite the fact that you didn’t seem to want me there.”

“Of course I -”

“I hate that you live here!” He said abruptly. “I hate that every night you aren’t with me, you are here. With Jordan.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I know you said I had nothing to worry about, that you and Jordan are just friends but I hate that he gets to spend time with you when I’m all alone in my apartment missing you like crazy.”

“Josh I -”

He slid off the bench and got to his knees in front of me, his head rested on my lap. “I want to come home to you every night or be there when you come home. I don’t want to have to call and see if it’s ok if I see you. I don’t want to have to spend nights alone because you are upset with someone else.” He looked up at me, “I miss you so much when you aren’t around.”

“I miss you too,” I told him.

“That’s why I would like for you to move in with me.”

I didn’t have time to answer, while Josh was pouring out his heart to me, Jordan walked in the front door.

"Isn't that romantic?" Jordan laughed, "You want her to move in with you so she's not here with me."

Heart To Heart

Before I even had a chance to react, Jordan crossed my room and grabbed a hold of my blankets, pulling them off me. “Jordy!” I frantically tried to cover myself with my pillow, I wasn’t naked but I still didn’t want him to see me. Why did I think it was a good idea to wear this to bed? I asked myself as I quickly glanced down at the purple lace cami and matching panties I was wearing. I know it sounds crazy but some times I like to feel sexy for myself.

It didn’t even register to him that I wanted him to get out; he gave me this puzzled look before he grabbed my hand and tried to pull me off my bed. “Come on Anna,” He whined. “We need…I have words…” One moment he looked so serious but the next he just started to laugh. “I have a lot of words for you!”

Slowly, I slid over to the edge if my bed and still holding my pillow in front of me, I looked around for my robe. “Come on!” Jordan grabbed my hand, catching me by surprise and my pillow fell to the floor as my butt left the bed. “We can…oh,” Jordan stopped what he was saying, his eyes traveled down my nearly naked body. “Wow,” he gasped, his eyes rested on the swell of my breasts. “That’s…umm..” he coughed and chuckled nervously before his eyes jump to mine, a hint of humor in their green depths. “Hello purple!” He made a step towards me and I stepped backwards but he didn’t even stop.

“Jordy,” I wanted to tell him to stop but he kept coming at me and I was backed right up against my bed. If I moved either bit at all, I would’ve fallen over backward onto the mattress.

I watched his face; his eyes were staring straight into mine as he stood not even a foot away from me. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his hands start to rise, I felt panic because I knew there was no way I could explain this to Josh. But yet, I felt slightly excited at the thought that I was alone in my room with Jordan wearing very sexy lingerie. What the hell is wrong with you? I broke the stare; I looked away from him and closed my eyes. This can’t be happening, I thought over and over again. But it was.

I jumped when I felt something against my skin; soft and gentle, lovingly stroking my flesh. “Jordan?” I opened my eyes, he had his eyes closed, his face was mere inches away from mine, I could feel his warm breath on my cheek and I could smell the alcohol. “You are drunk Jordy,” I whispered.

“I know,” his lips grazed my cheek and his arms came around me. “I think you should wear this,” he moved back enough to pull the blankets from my bed around my shivering body. “You are too much of a temptation and I’m already horny as hell.”

Tugging the blankets tight, I just nodded. I didn’t even think about what would’ve happened if he tried to kiss me at that moment, I knew I wouldn’t like the answer.

Jordan cleared his throat but his voice was still husky when he spoke. “I’ll meet you in the living room,” he turned on his heel and made his way to his room.

Once he was gone I ran to my closet and pulled out a pair of sweats to throw on. Before I went to leave my room, I grabbed my blankets and rewrapped myself up in them. I was honestly afraid that night we would cross that line. And I didn’t want to cross that line; I didn’t want to hurt Josh.

Maybe fifteen minutes had passed since Jordan busted into my room and I plopped my butt on the couch. But it didn’t seem like that long at all, when I heard his room door opened, I tensed a little. When he finally appeared in the living room I relaxed. See? I asked myself, it’s just Jordy. The same guy you’ve known all your life, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.

Jordan went to sit down next to me but stopped before his butt hit the couch, “I think I’ll sit over here.” He walked around the table and sat in the arm chair. He was quiet, he wasn’t looking at me in fact he was looking every where but in the direction of the couch. It wasn’t until I shifted and the blanket slipped from around my shoulders that he said anything. “Oh thank god!” He exclaimed and sunk back into the chair, “I thought you were still wearing that…” he shook his head. “Doesn’t matter, let’s talk about something different!”

Yes! Please! I waited but he didn’t say anything. I lifted a brow in his direction but he still didn’t say anything. So I did. “Where did you go tonight?”

“I drove around for a while,” he told me. “I went to see if Nick was busy but Amy wasn’t feeling good so I didn’t stay long.” He chuckled softly, “I went to see Bella. But the store just closed so I sat in the parking lot like some crazed stalker until she came out.” Jordan went on to tell me that they went back to her place, where he waited over an hour for her to shower and get ready to go out. “We went to the pub were we talked, danced and made out for most of the night. I had a little to drink so Bella drove me back here.”

When he was finished he was frowning, “What’s wrong?”

“I wanted to go home with her but she wouldn’t let me.”

“Oh,” I wanted to say more but I had decided that it was none of my business.

“What?” Jordan got out of the chair and made his way over to the other end of the couch. “Do you think I came on too strong with her? I didn’t mean we had to have sex, I just didn’t want the night to end.” He picked up the bottom of the blankets and covered himself up. “I think I’m really falling for her, I can’t stop think about her.”

“That’s great Jordy,” I smiled at him. “I’m really happy for you.”

“But?” Jordan played with a button on the back of the couch.

“But what?”

“Just sounded like you wanted to say something else about Bella and me, that’s all.”

I shook my head, “No Jordan I wasn’t going to say anything else. I like Bella; she is a friend of mine. I’m happy that you are finally excited about a woman again.”

Jordan lowered his head but I could see the smile on his face, “She’s very pretty Anna,” he looked up at me. “She makes me laugh and really listens to me when I speak. I didn’t think women actually listened!”

I kicked him, “HEY!” We laughed together, which was really great. That moment seemed to be the moment that we both knew our friendship was ok. So I knew I could approach the subject we had been avoiding, “You were really mad at me earlier.” He nodded, “What did your father say to you Jordan?”

Jordan shrugged, “The usual crap Anna, that man never changes.”

“Then why were you mad at me?”

“You can say what ever you like about my father Anna, I don’t really care. I never once stopped you from telling him exactly how you feel or how I feel about him. I know I shouldn’t but I’m happy that you stand up for me like you do. I love that you have my back all the time and that you butt in where you probably shouldn’t.” He took a deep breath, “But if I ever hear that you talk smack about my mother…” He got up in his knees and leaned in over me. “I love my mother, she’s the only reason I tolerate my father. You have no idea how upsetting it was hearing from my father, that you called her lazy and suggested that she get off her ass.”

I looked up into his eyes, “Jordan.” I spoke slowly because I didn’t want this to turn into an argument. “I didn’t call your mother lazy, I wouldn’t do that. I know you love her.”

Jordan closed his eyes, sighed and then fell onto the couch beside me. “Why was my father here today?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he didn’t.”

I told Jordan about John’s visit here, I tried to describe everything from the moment I opened the door until I closed it again. I told him about his father admiring his handiwork with the bench, I told him how his father wanted me to make him take Jenna to see his mother. “By the way,” I looked up at him. “I thought you told me you did bring her over there?”

Jordan shook his head, “I wanted too but when I got close enough, I just couldn’t. I didn’t want Jenna to see the hatred.”

“He says he doesn’t hate you Jordan.”

“Yeah, right!” Jordan scoffed, rolling his eyes as well.

“I think I know why he’s been so hard on you Jordy.”

He was quiet, I wasn’t sure he heard me. Slowly his whole body turned towards me, he maneuvered so that I was facing him as we lay on the couch. “What lies did he tell you?”

“I don’t think it was a lie,” I told him. “You didn’t see the look in his eyes,” I told him his dad seemed like he was reliving a horror film. I told him how we got on the topic and what John mumbled as he walked through that moment all those years ago. “I think he unintentionally pushed the blame on you.”

Jordan shook his head, “I was just a kid! I wouldn’t have tried to hurt Nick like that! He was my best friend!” He paled, “Is! Nick is my best friend! Sure he may be a pain in the ass but I wouldn’t be the same without him.”

“I know,” I smiled as I recalled the many times they got on each others nerves.

“My father is messed up!”

I didn’t say anything to that, I didn’t need to either, he already knew what I thought. ‘What are you going to do?”

“I guess I’ll take Jenna to see mom and see if Nick remembers almost drowning.”

We barely got any sleep that night, we stayed up talking until 5. I didn’t have to work until that evening so I was looking forward to sleeping all day.

But at 6:30 my cell phone rang.

“Hmmm?” I groaned into the phone.

“Hey honey, where are you?”

I rolled over and looked at the time. “Josh its 6:30, I was in dreamland with you. Come back and join me?”

“But where are you?”

I groaned, sitting up I ran my hand over my face. “I’m in my bed Josh, where else would I be?”

He ignored my question, “Then where’s your car?”

“My car?” I was about to ask him if he was smoking something cheap. “It’s parked in the driveway of my house.”

“No, it’s not. I’m standing in your driveway and it’s not here.”

“You…?” I jumped up out of bed and ran out through the house to the front door, throwing it open. And just like he said, he was standing in the middle of my driveway staring at the house as he held his cell to his ear. “You’re here!” I went to make a step outside when I realized I wasn’t wearing any socks. “And my feet are freezing!” I could hear his laughter over the phone and through the air, it was kind of creepy. “Where’s my car?!?!” I shouted to him.

Josh snapped his phone shut and jogged towards me, “I don’t know. I came this way this morning because I was hoping to see you.” He ran his gloved hand over his head, “When I didn’t see your car, I was a little upset, I couldn’t help but wonder where you went after telling me you were going to bed.”

“About that…” Josh held up his hand, one finger gently cross my lips.

“I have to tell you something, I’m not sure how you are going to take it but I need to say it.”

So Not My Night

I was just getting in bed when Josh called me after he got home from his night with the guys. I tried to seem interested in what they did but I was very distracted by the way Jordan stormed out; I had tried to call him since he left but he wasn’t answering his phone.

“Anna!” Josh said my name impatiently. I asked him what he wanted and he scoffed, “What did I want?” He sounded so upset that all I could think of was join the club. “I asked if you wanted me to come over tonight.”

I shrugged, I knew he couldn’t see it but I still did it. “You could if you want,” I replied.

There was nothing but dead silence for a couple minutes before he spoke. His words sounded so forced, I wondered if he was saying them through clenched teeth. “Do you want me to come over?”

“Sure,” I said, shrugging once again. “You can if you want.”

I swear I heard him curse me under his breath, “What’s wrong?”

Rolling over onto my stomach, I sighed. “Jordan is mad at me. He stormed out of here a few hours ago and I haven’t been able to get him to answer his phone since.”

“I…what happened?” He asked me.

Josh didn’t say a word the whole time I told him about Jordan’s dad visiting nor did he speak when I told him about Jordan coming home and what happened after that. “I won’t say I don’t know why he’s upset, I tend to say stuff I shouldn’t but why would he tell me he wanted to talk but then storm off? Why would he tell me that I would never be part of his family?”

I brushed my hair out of my eyes, “Josh I’ve been hanging around Jordan so long, they treat me like family. After my parents died, they took me on family vacations with them. Anytime they went camping, they took me with them. Hell, his grandparents, aunts and uncles all give me presents for my birthday and Christmas still.” I was hurt he would say that, it probably hurt worst than if he were to jab me with a knife in the heart. “I love them all like they are my family. To hear him say that…” I shook my head and lowered my forehead to my pillow. “I just wish he would answer his stupid phone!”

“Maybe he just needs some time to himself Anna.” I knew he was trying to be helpful but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

I started to repeat myself, I knew I was repeating myself but I shouldn’t help it. “It just really bugs me, he never spoke to me like that before, why would he do that?”

“I don’t know Anna. I have no idea what Jordan is thinking or why he said what he did. I’m sorry what he said hurt you but what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t want you to do anything,” I sat up in my bed. “You asked me what was wrong and I’m telling you. Why ask if you didn’t care Josh?” In the back of my mind there was this little voice that was telling me that I shouldn’t take this out on Josh but I couldn’t stop myself, there was just something in the way he spoke to me that didn’t sit right with me. “Forget about it,” I snapped before he said anything in response. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”

I guess I had hoped that he would stop me, that he would make me talk to him. I guess I was hoping he would tell me I was being childish and tell me to grow up. But he didn’t. “Yeah, good night,” he mumbled and hung up.

I sat there staring at the phone, he hung up. I can’t believe…I put the phone to my ear and listened to the dial tone, he really hung up.

It was almost 2 in the morning when I woke with a start; I heard some crashing and banging around in the kitchen. I was frozen in my bed, scared as I listened for some sign that it was Jordan. I hoped it was Jordan.

The crashing and banging continued, I wasn’t sure what he was doing but I knew it wouldn’t be pretty in the morning.

CRASH. BANG. He had knocked something over. “Son of a bitch! Who the hell put that there! Damn stupid…crap! ” Jordan yelled, his words sounded a little off; he sounded drunk. And I couldn’t help but laugh, silently, to myself.

But the laughter stopped when I heard him stomping down the hallway, “ANNA! GET UP!” He was pounding on the walls as he made his way to my room and when he got to my door, he flung it open; “RISE AND SHINE SUNSHINE!”

Left In The Dark

I tried to tell John that it wasn’t Jordan’s fault hat Nick fell in the lake but he didn’t want to hear it. “I have to go,” he said abruptly. I tried to get him to talk about what happened but he told me to mind my own business.

“But you came here!” I yelled after him. “You involved me when I asked you not to!”

There was no point; he was already in his car.

****

I was laying on the couch watching “Henry Rollins: Live at Luna Park”, when I heard the front door open.

“Anna?” Jordan called out as he walked through the kitchen. “Hey!” He sounded surprised to see me. “Did you and Josh have a fight?”

I shook my head, “No he has plans with his friends.”

“Oh,” he leaned over the back of the couch and stared down at me. “So you are mine tonight?”

Laughing, I told him I guess I was. “If you didn’t have plans already.”

He told me he didn’t, “I was just going to do exactly what you are doing right now. After I shower of course.”

“Of course,” I repeated as he disappeared down the hallway.

About 20 minutes later, Jordan jumped over the back of the couch and settled down behind me, his arm around my waist. We didn’t speak much as we watched the remaining half hour of Henry Rollin’s stand up act. “God, I love that guy!” I exclaimed when the credits started to roll.

“Yeah,” Jordan agreed but he seemed to be a little distracted by something.

I glanced over my shoulder, “Is everything ok back there?”

He started to nod but changed his mind and shook his head, “No.” He frowned, “We need to talk about something Anna.”

“Oh?” I frowned, he sounded too serious for this to be a good thing. “Did I do something wrong?” He didn’t say anything. “Jordy?” I moved around until I was face to face with him. “What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything Anna,” Jordan’s tone seemed sarcastic. “It’s not always about you, you know.”

I moved back from him as much as I could without falling off the couch, “What is that supposed to mean?”

He groaned, “Nothing. I didn’t mean anything.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“Why do you always assume everything is about you? Why do you have to get involved? Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut for once?”

I stared at him, “What are you upset about Jordan?”

“My father came to the shop today.”

“Oh,” I looked away from him. I knew that I might have stepped over the line earlier with John but I was tired of all the bs. I was tired of John treating Jordan like crap. “I’m sorry,” I told him.

“You should be,” he snapped.

“Jordan, I can…where are you going?” I watched as he pushed himself up and slipped back over the back of the couch.

“Out,” he mumbled as he disappeared down the hallway into his room.

Shortly after he came out, he had changed into a pair of blue jeans and a white shirt. He walked past the living room without even glancing in. I heard the front door open and then I heard footsteps as they quickly came back through the kitchen.

“He’s my father Anna, not yours! You can’t make everything better, we will never be one big happy family,” he glared at me. “You will never be one of us.”

Before I could say anything, he stomped out the door, slamming it behind him.

I sat there in the dark, wondering what he meant by that.

I thought you wanted to talk!

Just A Social Visit?

I was cleaning on the following Wednesday morning; well actually I was finishing what I started on the Friday morning when Josh called me to go to the school, when we ended up having lunch.

It was well into the afternoon when I finished vacuuming the living room while I was waiting for my last load of laundry to dry. When I went to put the vacuum away, I heard a knock on my door.

Dropping the cord of the vacuum I made my way to the door, wondering who could possibly be at the door. Standing on my front step was John, Jordan’s father.

“Ummm…” I stared at him, in the entire time I’ve lived with Jordan, his father had never once been to the house. I didn’t even know he knew where Jordan lived. “John,” I didn’t really know what to say to him.

“Can I come in?” He asked, looking pass me into the porch.

“Jordan isn’t home,” I blurted out.

He nodded and told me he knew that, “I came to talk to you.”

“Oh,” I moved aside and let him enter. I watched him as he removed his hat and gloves before he removed his jacket, putting the hat and gloves in the sleeve. After hanging up his jacket on one of the many hooks that Jordan had hung in the porch, he sat down on the bench and removed his boots.

“This is a nice piece,” he said as he ran his hands over cushion. “Where did you get it? I know Harriet would love something like this.”

“You can’t buy another like it; it was made especially for this house.” I smile as I looked down at the handmade bench. It was true, it was made especially for this house, Jordan made it a while ago when he couldn’t find one at any of the stores that gave him what he wanted.

John got off the bench and knelt down to inspect it further, “Smooth lines.” He ran his hand over the design that Jordan made in the sides of the bench. “Nice decorative panels.” He stood up and placed his hands on his hips, “Harriet would just go crazy over something like that; you have to tell me who made it. Our anniversary is coming up; maybe I can get one made for her.”

“John, I doubt it.”

“I’ll pay whatever the guy wants; I know Harriet would love one.”

“John, the thing is.” I sighed as he turned to me. “Jordan made it.”

His jaw dropped as he snapped his head back to the bench, “Jordan made that?” I waited for him to say something negative about the bench but he didn’t, he just ran his hand over his face and said, “Wow, I didn’t know he could build something like this.”

“There is a lot you don’t know about Jordan,” I told him. “If you took the time to get to know him, you’d know just how talented he is with his hands.”

John didn’t say anything else, he took a final look at the bench and he headed into the house. As he walked through, I could tell he was looking around, trying to find something wrong with the house, anything that he could hold against Jordan the next time he saw him. I asked him why he was here to stop his inspection of the house but he ignored me.

When he got to the living room, he turned to me. “I need you to talk to Jordan about bring the baby to see Harriet.”

“What do you mean?” If he wants Jordan to keep the baby away from her, then he’s going to have to tell him. I’m not getting involved!

John sat down on the couch before he answered my question. “Jordan told his mother that he would bring the baby to see her, it’s been a couple weeks since you guys were at the house for dinner and he still hasn’t brought her over to see his mother. I need you to talk to him, tell him that his mother is wondering why he hasn’t been around with her.”

I was surprised to say the least, Jordan gave me the impression that he already took Jenna over to see his mother. I shook my head, “No. I’m not getting involved in this one!”

“Anna you have too! Harriet is upset; she barely leaves the house because she doesn’t want to miss when he does decide to come over. She wants to see her granddaughter.”

“Then you tell him that! Why come to me and expect me to do it for you?”

“Because he listens to you, you have a way to get Jordan to do things no one else can. IF I even tried to talk to him, he would blow me off. And then Harriet would never see the baby.”

I laughed, “Jordan? Blow you off?” I shook my head, “John you don’t talk to Jordan, you never did! All you ever do is put him down or yell at him. If you want Jordan to bring Jenna over to your house, then you are going to have to swallow whatever it is that makes you hate him and ask him to do it. Otherwise, I suggest Harriet get off her ass, call him to see when he has Jenna and come over here to spend time with her.”

“I don’t hate Jordan!” John snapped at me.

“Well you have a funny way of showing you care John! In the entire time I’ve known you, I’ve never heard you ever say anything nice to Jordan. Nothing he did was ever good enough! Everything that went wrong was always his fault! You treat him like dirt and you expect him to suddenly forget all that and bring his daughter over so you can belittle him in front of her?” I jumped up. “I don’t blame Jordan for not wanting Jenna around you and I won’t be your go-between either!”

“Anna you don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t treat him like dirt. I have expectations for all my boys, and when they don’t meet them yeah I get a little upset. But I’m their father! Aren’t I allowed to expect them to achieve greatness?”

“John!” I grabbed the front of his shirt; he was really pissing me off. I wanted to slap him but I have a little more respect than that…I think. “Jordan has tried his whole life to live up to your expectations. He’s an amazing mechanic, a great friend and I know he’ll be a wonderful father once he stops worrying about being a prick like you.”

John grabbed my hands and ripped them away from his shirt. “I’ll have you know I’m a great father, my boys love me.”

I laughed, and I mean really laughed. “Sure Nick loves you, you’ve been nothing but supportive of his every failure. Great job there, Nick’s such a winner; he’s constantly in need of Jordan’s help to keep his head above water.”

John paled when I said that, “That’s not funny.”

“I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was telling you the truth, Nick relies on Jordan so much, I don’t know if he’ll ever stand on his own two feet.” John sat down on the couch, he wasn’t looking at me, in fact he wasn’t looking at anything, he was staring off into space. “Why did you baby Nick so much and ignore Jordan when he needed your support.”

“It wasn’t always that way.” John blinked, his eyes slowly focused on me. “I love all my boys.”

“Then why do you treat Jordan like crap and Nick like he’s God’s gift?”

“Because he is,” John lowered his head. “Nick being here today is only because God was looking out for him.”

“What do you mean?” I didn’t recall any accidents; I was always around the boys.

“Harriet doesn’t know this but when the boys were smaller,” John made this funny noise in the back of his throat. “When she was visiting her mother one weekend, I took the boys to the park…”

“I wasn’t paying attention to Nick. I was helping Jordan tie his shoes, he had just learned how to do it and he was always untying his laces to tie them back up again, and he always wanted me to watch.” John slowly turned to look up at me, with a haunted look in his eyes. “I wasn’t paying attention to Nick…he wandered down by the lake, he was following the ducks…I wasn’t paying attention…Jordan wanted me to watch him tie his shoes…”

I sat down on the coffee table, almost afraid of what he was about to say even though I knew it turned out alright.

“…I wasn’t paying attention…Nick fell in the lake…”

Slow Turning

I was working when Carol came to pick Jesse up on Sunday. I know Josh didn’t want to let her take him but after talking to his lawyer and Zack, he reluctantly sent Jess home with her. He told me when I got to his place that night that it was so much worst than any other time.

“The first thing she asked me was if I took him to the doctor. I told her that you did, that you cared more about what happened to Jess than she did. She started to cry, blubbering something about wanting to take him; getting him all dressed up to go and out in the car. Then something about Phil coming home and making her get out of the car,” he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to believe Anna. I want to think that she cares enough about Jess to bring him to the doctor and part of me wants Phil to be that much of a prick but…” he shrugged. “I don’t know and when I asked Jesse about it, he just told me that Carol said I’d make him feel better.”

He told me that he made her promise to call him if Jesse is ever that sick again, “I don’t care what time it is, I want my son taken care of. You know what I mean honey?” He looked down at me; we were lying in his bed, talking. The entire time he was telling me about Carol being there I didn’t say a word. What could I really say that I haven’t already? When I tell him I wish Jesse could stay with him, he gets grumpy and negative. So I just nodded.

“When I told her that I spoke to my lawyer and the police, she seemed relieved. What do you think that was about? Why would she be happy about that?” He frowned, “Do you think that Phil could be abusive towards her and Jess?”

“Jess didn’t have any bruises or scars or broken bones,” I told him. “If Phil is abusive, it’s not physical.”

“So you think it’s mentally?”

I shrugged, “I don’t really know Josh. Maybe Carol is just bored with Phil and trying to get out of the relationship.” I wanted to say it wouldn’t be the first time she left a guy but I bit my tongue.

He shook his head, “She doesn’t seem like she’s bored, she seems…unsure of herself. That’s not Carol, she always was so confident and determined to get what she wanted. She just seems…”

I waited but he didn’t finish that statement. And frankly I didn’t really want to be talking about her. “Josh, why are you worrying about her? After what she did to you and her treatment of Jesse lately and not to mention the way she acted towards me; why are you so concerned about her?”

“She’s my son’s mother! I may not like her Anna but Jesse does. No one can take her place in his life.”

Not even me, I thought even though I knew I shouldn’t. “No one is trying to replace her Josh,” I turned away from him and pulled the blankets up to my chin.

“Anna,” Josh rolled onto his side and moved in behind me; his one arm slipping around my waist, while the other slipped under the pillow and wrapped around my neck and shoulder. “Jesse loves you, you know that right? He was upset that he didn’t get to see you before he left. I heard him telling Carol as they walked down the stairs, how you took care of him and brought ‘baby’ to play with him.” Josh chuckled, “He told her that you let him wear ‘big boy’ underwear even though he was stinky and that you held him when he wasn’t feeling good.”

“I love him Josh,” I whispered, my lips brushing lightly against his forearm as he held me.

“I know you do honey.”

We were quiet for a while. I was lost in my thoughts, wondering if it was stupid of me to think that maybe Josh was worrying about Carol because he still had feelings for her.

And I found, I had to know.

“Josh?” I spoke his name softly, I didn’t know if he was sleeping or not.

“Mmmm?” He shifted behind me.

“Do you…?” I paused; do I really want to ask this?

“Do I what Anna?” He mumbled against the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “Mmmm,” he chuckled as his arms tightened around me. “Did that feel good?”

I smiled, “Yes it did. It felt so good.”

Silence settled over the room again.

“What were you going to ask me?” He asked me. When I told him it was stupid, he told me that he still wanted to know what I was going to ask.

I sighed, “I was wondering if you were worried about Carol because you still loved her.” When he didn’t say anything right away, I started to panic. “Josh?” I half turned to look at him.

And he pulled away from me. He rolled over in bed and sat up.

“Josh?” I quickly sat up and moved over to where he sat. He moved away from the hand I lifted to his shoulder. “Honey I – ahhh!” I quickly covered my eyes as light flooded the room. “Warn a person!” I snapped as I lowered my hand and squinted in his direction.

When my eyes became accustom to the light, I realized that he was giving me this dirty look. “What?”

“I can’t believe you.”

“What do you mean?”

“After everything I’ve told you about her, you still think I love her?” He shook his head, “Anna there’s only one woman I love and I can assure you it isn’t her!”

“I’m sorry!” I reached out and took his hands in mine. “I knew that, in my heart, I knew that you didn’t but Josh…”

“But what?” Josh asked. “What on earth would make you question how I feel about you?”

“Not about me! About her!” I dropped his hands and stood up. “I never heard you speak about her like that, like you cared what was happening with her.”

Josh stood up in front of me, “Of course I care about what happens to her Anna! She was my wife; she’s the mother of my son! I may not love her but I don’t want anything bad to happen to her! Yeah, I may say mean things about her, I may call her names and complain about stuff she’s done but I wouldn’t wish for her to be in an abusive relationship. God Anna!” He grabbed my hands and brought them up to his chest. “Do you really think I’m that heartless?”

“No Josh, of course I don’t think you are heartless!”

Josh sighed and with a glance at the time he told me he should get some sleep. We crawled back into bed but he turned away from me. I laid there staring at his back for a good ten minutes before I had to ask, “Are you mad at me?”

He sighed, rolling over onto his back. “No,” he said as he rubbed his face with his hands. “I’m disappointed that you needed to question my concern for Carol.”

I think I would’ve preferred if he was mad at least then it wouldn’t hurt so much as hearing he was disappointed in me. “I’m sorry Josh,” I whispered as I fought back tears that threatened to spill.

“Honey…” he rolled onto his side and pulled me across the bed to him. He settled me against his body and kissed my forehead. “Anna please don’t, you didn’t do anything to be sorry for.”

“I feel stupid.”

“You are not,” he kissed my forehead again.

“I may not be but I feel stupid.”

“Hey! I’m not stupid either!” He said with a chuckle.

It took me a while to get what he meant, I rolled my eyes. “That was lame,” I told him with a smile.

“I know,” he told me. “But it got you to smile, didn’t it?” I nodded, it was true it did. I told him I loved him as I snuggled closer.

“I love you Anna.”

That night I dreamt that we were on a date and Carol showed up, screaming her undying love for him for the entire world to hear. When I woke up, Josh was mumbling something, I don’t know what it was he was dreaming but he groaned my name.

That was enough to make me forget about the dream I was having.

Tucked In...Again

It was late when I finally got home with Jenna but thankfully Jordan was just getting home himself.

“Where were you?” He asked me when he walked over to my car. “I tried calling a few times but you didn’t answer your cell.”

I told him it was a long story and asked if I could tell him later he put Jenna to bed. He told me that as ok.

About 9, he finally got Jenna settled into her playpen in the guest bedroom. I was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels, feeling kind of down.

“Hey what’s wrong?” He asked as he joined me on the couch.

I glanced at him, sighed and then told him...everything. I spent the next half hour running on about Carol and Phil, Jesse being sick and Jenna’s comic relief. “She’s a clown like you!” I told him with a smile.

Jordy leaned over and rested his head on my shoulder, he smiled up at me. “Of course she is, she’s daddy’s little girl.”

I gave him a half smile and he sat up again, “Oh babe what’s really wrong with you?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I just feel blah.”

Jordan was quiet for a moment as he watched some commercial on TV but the second it was over he turned to me. “It’s because you are here and not with Josh and Jesse, isn’t it?”

I was going to deny it but what was the point, I knew I wanted to be there with them and so did Jordan. “I’m sorry he’s sick Anna but you did everything you could to help him. Did Josh offer to come over here with Jesse?”

I shook my head, “Jesse was tired and wanted to go home. I think I’m just going to go to bed,” I told him as I got up. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Hey Anna?” Jordan jumped off the couch, grabbing my arm and turning me towards him. “He loves you babe, you know that. So please stop being ‘blah’ and find a way to be happy knowing his probably at home wishing you were with him.”

I gave Jordan a hug and continued on my way to my room.

I knew Josh loved me, that wasn’t why I was feeling ‘blah’. I was feeling sad because there was nothing I could do to help Josh keep Jesse with him, he had to let Carol pick him up on Sunday and take him home. I know this because I called Zack; he told me that unless there was real proof of neglect, there was nothing they could do to take Jesse from Carol. I told him about Phil not taking him to the hospital and he told me that there are cases where parents have denied medical treatment due to religion. “It’s horrible to think that people would do that to their kids but it’s an ugly reality sis.”

“Are you telling me that Phil and Carol have the right to stand by and watch Jesse die if he was badly injured?”

“In some life and death situations, family services and the courts can take legal action to get the child help but it’s a sticky issue, most won’t touch it.”

“Are you saying that Phil’s reason for not taking Jess to the hospital is based on religion?” I was starting to wonder what kind of guy Carol left Josh for. You definitely found yourself a ‘real’ man Carol. A real f***ed up one.

“I’m not saying anything Anna; you know I can’t talk about Phil specifically. I’m just giving you an example.”

I told him he was a pain in the butt and he told me he loved me too. Sometimes I hate my brothers…well not really but they aren’t always helpful.

I made it to my room but that was as far as I got. There was a knock on the front door, Jordan and I glanced at each other before he went to see who was there. When he didn’t come back, I assumed it was for him, until I heard tiny footsteps moving quickly through my kitchen. I turned around to see Jesse coming at me, dragging Mister Bear and a blanket behind him.

“Ama!” He exclaimed when he saw me and then he started to run towards me.

I knelt down, holding out my arms as he came closer and threw his arms around my neck. Gathering him in my arms, I rose from the floor and hugged him so tight, “I’m so glad to see you Jesse.”

“I see you too Ama,” his voice muffled by my shoulder.

Smiling, I walked out towards the kitchen where Jordan and Josh were talking about the kids. I slide up next to Josh and wrapped my free arm around his waist, “You make me so happy,” I told him as I gazed into those incredible blue eyes.

While Josh and Jordan continued to talk, I slipped off to put Jesse to bed in the spare room.

“Ama that baby!” he pointed to the play pen and gave me a confused look. “I sleep with baby?”

There were so many things I could’ve said to that but I had to remind myself that he was only a little boy. After I told him we had to be quite because Jenna was sleeping, I said to him, “No Jesse,” I walked over and pulled down the blankets of the bed. “You get to sleep in the ‘big boy’ bed, like daddy.”

“No,” Jesse shook his head and giggled. “Daddy sleep with Ama!”

I laughed, “Yes daddy will be sleeping with me.” I helped him get under the covers and tucked him in. “Good night sweetie.”

Leaving the door opened slightly so that Jess could get out if he needed to use the bathroom or needed Josh, I headed down the hall back to the kitchen where Josh and Jordan still stood talking.

“Hey guys,” I leaned against the wall from the hallway. “I’m kind of tired, it’s been a long day and…” I trailed off and shrugged.

To my surprise, both of them agreed that it had been a long day.

We all headed off to bed.

Jesse didn’t wake up once during the night and in the morning he was more like his normal self. It seemed the infection that he had was responding well to the medicines they gave him; he wasn’t having ‘accidents’ and his fever was gone before they let him out of the hospital. The only thing that remained was his ear infection but it was a lot better.

Trip To The Hospital

Getting Jesse to the doctor took longer than I thought it would.

First I had to clean him up. After I washed him and had a towel wrapped around his little waist, I ran water into the sink to rinse out his clothes before I filled up the sink to let them soak. It wasn’t that difficult to do that but it was the first time I ever has two little kids holding onto my legs as I did it. I don’t know how real moms do it, I thought. For the first time in my life, I was actually worrying if I could handle being a mom for real.

“Ama I cold,” Jesse shivered as he looked up at me.

“Ok then,” I led them out of the bathroom and down the hall to Jesse’s room. Jenna got up on Jesse’s bed and rolled around giggling. Jesse sat on the edge of his bed while I turned to get him some clothes to wear.

When I opened the closet I saw a bag of Pull Ups and I thought that they would be a good idea if Jesse got ‘stinky’ like on our drive to the hospital. I turned around with the bag in my hand, “Hey! What are you doing?”

Jenna giggled and moved back from Jesse, “Owie bye-bye.”

“Baby kiss me!” Jesse wiped his wet cheek and turned to Jenna, “I no good baby.”

I held my hand up to my mouth to cover up the smile on my face; I thought it was cute that Jenna kissed him to try and make him feel better. I knelt down in front of Jesse and showed him the Pull Ups, “I think we should put these on until we get to the hospital.”

Jesse’s reaction wasn’t what I expected, he smacked the bag out of my hand and started to whine, “I big boy!” I tried to reason with him but he didn’t want to hear it, “Wear big boy un’wear like daddy!”

How could I argue with that? I didn’t think I could so I went to put the Pull Ups back where I found them but I found Jenna sitting on the floor holding one in her hand. When I looked at her, she fell back and lifted her legs in the air. I couldn’t help but laugh, “These are for little boys silly!” I leaned over her, tickled her and then got Jesse some ‘big boy’ underwear and a pair of sweat pants to put on.

I got them both ready to go and was almost out the door when I remembered I didn’t let Josh know yet.

I wasn’t looking forward to calling him either but I knew I had too; he wouldn’t like it if I didn’t. So as I was talking turns carrying the kids down the stairs, I held my cell to my ear and waiting for him to come to the phone. “Hey!” I was caught off guard when I heard his voice.

“Honey what’s up? Rhea told me that you said it was an emergency, is everything ok?”

“No Josh everything is not ok.” I picked Jesse up and carried him down the last flight and reached out to grab Jenna before she took off down the hallway.

“What happened? Are you hurt? Is Jesse hurt?”

“Josh,” I sat on the steps with Jesse on my lap and Jenna tugging on my hand. “Carol dropped of Jesse about a half hour ago and he didn’t look good. He -”

“What do you mean he didn’t look good? Anna you are scaring me!” I could hear the panic in his voice; I didn’t mean to scare him.

“He has a fever, his ear hurts, and he has diarrhea. I’m on my way now to take him to the hospital, I just…” I paused and silently cursed. “Josh do you have Jesse’s Health Care Card?”

“Yeah…umm…it’s in the cupboard – no it’s not.” He sounded so strange, almost dazed or something like that. “It’s on my dresser.” I groaned, I didn’t want to have to carry both kids back up the stairs. “Carol just dropped him off like this? She didn’t say if she took him to the doctor already?”

I started back up the stairs with the two kids, and silently cursed Josh for living on the top floor. While I walked, I quickly told him what happened when she dropped him off, including everything that was said. And yes, my little rant too.

“I can’t believe it! Why the hell would he say that? And why would Carol be stupid enough to listen to him?” I won’t get into the rest of his rant, he was really upset and half of what he said shocked the hell out of me.

“Josh please,” I whispered as I tried to stop from crying. I knew he wasn’t mad at me but the longer he spoke the louder he yelled.

“Anna I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’m not mad at you, I just can’t believe…” his voice trailed off. “Thank you honey. Thank you for being there and for caring enough to make sure that Jesse sees a doctor.” He told me that he would meet me at the hospital as soon as he could.

About an hour later, I was sitting in a hospital room in the ER with Jesse who was hooked up to an IV to rehydrate him and administer the meds that he needed to make him feel better.

“Ama?” Jesse tugged on my shirt. When I looked at him, he gave me a smile, the first one I saw all afternoon. “I get up?”

I picked him up in my arms and he snuggled into me. Jenna, who started to get undressed the same time as Jesse did (he had another ‘accident’ so they gave me a gown to put on his) so she too could wear one, was sitting on the foot of the bed holding Mr. Bear for Jesse. When she saw me pick Jesse up, she made her way up to where we were sitting and curled up at my side. I leaned back against the bed and closed my eyes.

I was listening to the sounds of the hospital as the staff went about their jobs. I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything, I thought as I peeked at the kids as they lay still against me. Well, we wouldn’t be in a hospital and Jesse wouldn’t be sick. That I would change if I could.

I don’t know how long we were there like that before I heard Josh’s voice in the hallway asking where we were. I still had my eyes closed when he entered the room. I heard him as he approached the bed. I peeked out at him and saw his smile as he saw us snuggled up together. He reached out and gently stroked Jesse’s head and then tilted his head to peek at Jenna and Mr. Bear.

Finally his eyes met mine, I was surprised to see tears in his eyes. I went to ask him what was wrong but he stopped me with a soft kiss on my lips.

“You look so comfortable with the children Anna, almost like it was meant to be.”

I smiled at him as he pulled up a chair and sat down by the bed, “It feels so right Josh.”

He took my hand in his and kissed my palm, “One day you’ll be holding our children like that.”

My heart soared when I heard him say that, I bit my lip as I gazed down at the wonderful man beside me. “I can’t wait to have your babies.”

Some Times You Just Want To Scream

Telling Josh about Jenna wasn’t as big a deal as I thought it would be. I was all ready to tell him why I needed to be there for Jordan tonight but he surprised the hell out of me.

“The first night alone with your child is very scary,” he said softly. “I remember the first time Jesse stayed with me he cried for a good hour. I tried everything I could to stop him but he just wouldn’t quit.”

“So what did you do? Why did he finally stop?”

Josh chuckled, “He fell asleep! I’m not a perfect father Anna, I did some stuff that I probably shouldn’t have but I needed to learn what had to be done. Just like Jordan does and having someone there to help when you are at your wit’s end is a good thing. Just don’t take over right away.”

“Oh,” I felt a little disappointed that he didn’t seem to care that I wouldn’t be at his place tonight. “Did you still want me to come over now?”

Josh hesitated, “That’s actually why I was calling. I’m still at the school, there is a last minute meeting with some guy from the school board. I’m not able to get out of here for another hour or so. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind waiting for Jesse for me.” He asked but then he spoke again before I could answer. “I know I asked you last week too and I promise it won’t happen like this all the time, I just can’t get out of this meeting. Trust me, I tried.”

I told him I didn’t mind at all, “But will Carol leave him with me?”

“I’ll try to call her but I don’t know if I’ll get a hold of her. They have to leave him with whoever I ask to be there, it’s in the custody papers because I’m still working when they want to drop him off; you are on the list of approved people along with my family.” When I told him I didn’t know he did that, he told me that he meant to tell me. “You don’t mind, do you?”

Did I mind? “Of course not!” I exclaimed, “I’m totally ok with it!” I heard some talking on his end of the line and he told me that he had to go.

As soon as I hung up, I told Jenna we were going to Josh’s place to wait for Jesse; she didn’t seem too interested in what I was saying though.

We had just stepping into Josh’s apartment; long enough to take off our boots and jackets, when there was a knock at the door. I set Jenna down in the middle of the living room with a couple of Jesse’s toys and then went to answer the door.

“Where’s Josh?” Was the greeting I got when I opened the door.

“He’s still at school, you know that.” I told her as I looked down at Jesse who didn’t seem too happy. “Hey sweetie,” I knelt down to him, “How are you doing?”

Jesse wiped his hand across his face and sighed, “I no good Ama.”

Frowning, I reached out my hand to him and he took it, “What do you mean?” Instead of answering me, he walked towards me and wrapped one arm around my neck. “Jess?” I shot Carol a questioning look.

She seemed uneasy as she stood there, “I think he’s getting the flu,” she told me.

I looked back at Jesse or at the side of his head because he was leaning against me. “Jesse, let me look at you,” I pushed him back from me and he started to whine, he didn’t want to move. He was pale but his little cheeks were bright red, when I first saw him I thought it was because of the cold but when I touched his forehead I knew it wasn’t. “He’s burning up!”

“Ama I no good,” he said again, his eyes barely open as he rubbed his ear.

“Does your ear hurt Jesse?” He didn’t say anything, he just nodded. “Did it just start hurting sweetie?” He shook his head, “When did it start?”

He yawned, “I tired Ama.” I picked him up, his clothing felt damp.

“How long has his ear been hurting? Did you take him to the doctor?” I asked Carol.

“He didn’t tell me his ear was hurting,” she said and looked everywhere but at me.

Jesse lifted his head off my shoulder and looked at his mom, “Mommy say daddy make me feel better.”

“Oh did she?” I raised a brow, “When did mommy say that?”

“Mommy say daddy make me feel better….I sleep,” he dropped his head to my shoulder again, “Daddy home Ama?”

When I told him Josh was still at work he started to whine. Then suddenly his whines stopped and he wiggled to get down. I put him down because I thought I was going to drop him and he took off down the hall. He made the left turn to the bathroom and then I heard him crying. I went to ask him what was wrong when he peeked around the corner, “I no good Ama!” Then he saw Jenna stumbling towards him and he whined, “No baby! Go way! I no good!”

“Well I better go,” Carol said and had moved from the door way when I turned around.

“Hey!” I grabbed hold of her arm. “You aren’t going anywhere until you tell me what the hell is going on!”

“What’s to tell? Jesse isn’t feeling good.”

“I no good,” Jesse whined. “I stink!”

“What?” I looked at him and he was trying to undo his pants. “What are you doing?”

“I stink,” he repeated and pulled down his pants and underwear, I saw what he meant, he crapped his pants. I turned to Carol, “How many times has he done that?”

Carol shrugged, “I didn’t count.”

And that’s when I lost it.

“What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of mother are you? Jesse is obviously sick; he’s got a fever, ear ache, diarrhea and isn’t himself! Why the hell didn’t you take him to the doctor?”

“Well I –”

“No,” I held up my hands. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. How could you bring him here like this? Do you have any idea how upset Josh is going to be? You know what he’s going to do the minute he hears this!”

“And what is he going to do Anna?” Phil’s voice came from the stairway. “Is Josh going to try for full custody?” He quickly closed the distance between us, “Let him have the little bastard, he’ll be doing us a favor.”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard; I tried to give Phil a dirty look but it was the look on Carol’s face when he said that, that got my attention, her jaw dropped. “Phil, that’s my son you are talking about!”

Phil turned to her, the look in his eyes made me jump back, I was glad I wasn’t on the receiving end. “I’m going down to the car,” he turned and started to walk away. “I suggest you follow or find somewhere else to spend the night.”

Carol started to walk away but I stopped her, “Please just let me go Anna.” She wouldn’t look at me and that worried me somehow but I let her go. She hesitated on the first step, “Jesse has been telling me he wasn’t good for a couple days now,” she looked back at me, tears in her eyes. “Phil wouldn’t let me take him to the doctor, he told me taking him to the doctor was aiding in making Jesse weak like Josh.”

“Josh isn’t weak and you should’ve taken Jess to the doctor,” I told her.

She nodded, “I know.”

And then she disappeared down the stairs.

I walked back into Josh’s apartment, so mad at Carol but even more mad at Phil. I wanted to call Josh but the moment I looked at Jess, I knew I had to get him to the doctor.

He had another ‘accident’ in the bathroom while I was talking to Carol. “I no good,” he cried when I went in to see to him.

Surprise!

Jordan apologized to me for kissing me. “I didn’t know it bothered you so much,” he said and then added. “I wish I knew you loved me then Anna.”

I didn’t even allow myself to think of what could’ve happened if he knew. I get the feeling that we wouldn’t be such good friends if we went out then. When I told him that he told me I was probably right.

He had to leave to get back to work. “Thanks for bringing Jenna by to see me,” he said before he ducked into my car again to say ‘bye’ to her. “Have fun tomorrow with mommy,” he told her.

“Ummm, Jordan? I forgot to tell you something,” I bit my lip as he straightened up in front of me.

“What did you forget?”

“Well,” I looked up at him. “The thing is Jenna isn’t going anywhere tomorrow. I somehow managed to get Jenna for you until tomorrow evening.” I grinned, “Yay?”

“You what?” He turned to glance at her, “Oh my god! How could you? I can’t watch her all night!” He grabbed my arms, “Babe I don’t know the first thing about babies! How am I supposed to take care of her all night?”

“Jordy,” I twisted my arms around so that I was now holding his arms. “You can do this! You know you want too! Besides, it’s not like I even meant to do this, I just wanted you to see her for a couple minutes so that you’d cheer up! Hank is the one who talked Heather into letting you take her for the night! He’s the one who mentioned to her that it would be nice if they spent some time alone. He’s the one who reminded her that you were Jenna’s father and you wanted to be in her life!” I stopped long enough to take a breath, “I didn’t ask them! And I didn’t know what to say either; everything happened so fast, they had me piled up with all the baby stuff and on my way before I could even bat an eyelash!”

Jordan rammed his fingers through his hair; he balled up his hands and growled. “What the hell am I doing to do?” He peeked at Jenna; she waved so he waved back. “You!” He spun around towards me, “You are going to help me take care of her.”

I shook my head, “I’m spending the night with Josh and Jesse. I’m not even going to home!”

“No!” He pointed his finger at me. “You went over there, you took Jenna and now you have to help me! Otherwise Heather will never let me see my daughter again!”

“Jordy, I can’t.”

“You have to Anna,” he backed off towards the shop. “I have to get back to work.” He turned and almost ran back into the building. He didn’t bother to turn around when I yelled out to him.

Damn it all! How the hell am I going to explain this to Josh? He’s going to be so upset with me!

I climbed back into my car and looked at the time.

“Do you want to go see Uncle Josh and Jesse?” I asked Jenna as I slipped the car into reverse.

Let’s hope Josh sees this as a chance for Jess to plat with someone new.

It’s going to be ok, I told myself.

Ring. Ring.

I stopped the car and grabbed my phone. When I said ‘hello’, Jenna said, ‘hi’.

“Who was that?” Josh’s voice came over the phone.

Oh crap!