I Wish That We Were Strangers - We Could Start Again

I was barely breathing. How could I breathe with him that close to me? My heart was beating so hard, it almost drowned out my name when he said it. My eyes were focused on his hand, the one he had placed above my knee, I wasn’t sure what he was doing but I knew whatever it was, it was killing me slowly. “Josh you have to stop this,” I barely recognized my voice when I heard it.

The fingers of his right hand that brushed against my cheek as I spoke to him, stilled. “What do I have to stop?” He asked me.

“This!” I motioned towards him as I raised my eyes to his face. “You have to stop this, you are confusing me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. You tell me you want space and you need time but when we are together you make me believe that things are ok between us, that you want to be with me.” I let out the breath I was apparently holding and sighed. “I’m confused Josh.”

Josh’s hands fell from me as he leaned back against the couch; I watched him as he closed his eyes and lowered his chin to his chest. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking but I didn’t have time; he opened his eyes moments before he moved towards me.

I wasn’t expecting it, how could I? In fact, as I was falling backwards with his arm around my back, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell was going on. “Josh?” I stared into his eyes as my head touched the floor, I was now lying on my back and Josh was leaning in over me. “What are you doing?” I asked a little breathless at the sight of him over me like that, I honestly hoped that he would kiss me, and I mean really kiss me.

But he didn’t.

He half turned back towards the couch, grabbing a cushion off and then turned back to me. He gently lifted my head off the floor to slip the cushion under it and then turned to get another one for himself. He didn’t speak until he was lying next to me, with his arm around my waist.

“You think you are confused? You should try being me.” He tried to sound light hearted as he chuckled but it didn’t work.

Turning my head to the side, I gazed at him. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on in there?” I lightly tapped his forehead with my finger.

“Ahhh,” he sighed as he snuggled up against me. “I don’t even know what’s going on in there Anna.”

“Josh,” I went to turn towards him and groaned as something poked me in the side.

He gave me a questioning look and then moved back to looked down between us. “Hey!” He reached down and picked up the paratrooper party toy that somehow escaped from the bag that Josh put all the left over loot bag stuff into. Holding the toy up, he laughed and said, “You keep your paratrooping hands to yourself buddy! She’s mine!” And then tossed the toy onto the coffee table before lying back down with me.

There you go again, confusing me! I thought as I studied him.

Josh’s smiled sort of faded and he sighed. “Anna,” his hand slipped around mine and he pulled them both up to his chest; he held my hand flat against his chest. “I hate this,” he told me. “I hate that I don’t feel that I can trust you. I hate that you let him kiss you, and that you kissed him back.”

I closed my eyes but let him continue, he needed to just get it all out.

“I hate that you are still talking to him when he has done nothing but try to ruin ‘us’.” I opened my eyes and stared at him. “I know,” he groaned, releasing my hand to rub his over his face. “He’s your best friend; he’s been there forever, through everything.”

“It’s not that easy to let that go Josh,” I whispered softly.

“I know,” he groaned again. “I think I was pretty damn understanding when it came to him,” he thought for a minute and then shrugged. “Maybe that’s the reason it didn’t seem to matter to either of you that you ripped my heart out that morning.”

“We didn’t -”

“Didn’t what? Do it on purpose?” Josh raised a brow at me. “Maybe you didn’t but I can’t be so sure about him.”

“Jordan feels -”

“I don’t care how Jordan feels!” Josh snapped at me, making me jump. “I really could care less about him at the moment. In fact I’d like nothing better than to kick the crap out of him! He knew we were serious and he didn’t even respect the friendship that the two of you had enough to stand back and leave us alone!” He pushed himself up into a sitting position. “How am I supposed to believe that this time it will be different? That if we try to give it another chance, I won’t have to worry about him pushing himself on you?”

“Josh trust me when -”

Josh turned to look at me, the look in his eyes cutting me off. “That’s the problem Anna, I don’t know if I can trust you again.”

I closed my eyes so he wouldn’t see how much that actually hurt me. I knew that if he didn’t know if he could trust me again there wasn’t a chance in hell we would ever be together again.

“I want to trust you Anna,” Josh said softly. “But right now there is this little voice in the back of my head that tells me I’m a fool for even seeing you right now.”

“Tell that little voice its wrong,” I cried as I opened my eyes to gaze at him. “That little voice is so wrong Josh.”

He was quiet for a minute or so, he fiddled with the Lightning drawing while he wasn’t speaking. “But how do I show it that it is wrong when I don’t even know if it is?”

“What does your heart have to say about all this?”

He smiled a little, “My heart tells me it misses you; my body tells me that it misses you.” He turned to me, “And there are times when even my mind tells me that I miss you.”

“Then tell your heart to tell your mind to shut up.”

He laughed, “I wish it were that easy Anna.”

“Me too,” I sighed.

I stayed and helped him finish everything for Jesse’s party but we just seemed to be going through the motions. We didn’t talk much, what else was there to say? He missed me but he didn’t trust me. I left his apartment that night thinking the relationship that we had was over and all we could ever be was friends, if that.

I cried myself to sleep in the guest room of Chad’s house that night. My heart ached so much as I felt him slip further and further away from me.

When I woke the next morning, I decided that there was no point in going to Jesse’s party the next day; I didn’t want to hurt him like I hurt his daddy. When I told Conner that I wouldn’t be taking him to Jesse’s party, someone else would have too, he cried. He wanted to know why, “Did Jesse’s daddy say you couldn’t go?”

I tried to explain to him that it was my choice not to go. When I left Josh’s place after finishing the party stuff, he told me that he would see me at the party, I told him I wouldn’t be there and he told me I would be, or he would track me down and drag me there. “It would mean the world to Jesse,” he told me. “And I really want to see you there too.”

Saturday morning came and I went over to Jordan’s to wait for Jenna to wake up while Jordan went off to the class he had. Once Jenna was awake, I got her ready and took her over to Chad’s. I had made arrangements for Susan to take both kids to the party, she told me I was crazy to not go, especially when Josh wanted me there but she promised she would take them.

When the time came for them to go, Susan asked me if I was sure that I didn’t want to take them myself. “Don’t you want to see Jesse?”