Party Prep

Josh didn’t speak as he stood there not even a foot in front of me, I felt he was waiting for me to look up at him but I couldn’t. I made an effort not to look up at him as he stood in front of me, I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be strong enough to do what I thought I had to do; I thought I needed to leave because I didn’t know if I could handle being in the same room with him knowing he didn’t trust me and that was all I wanted from him. Well that and his love, I thought as I finally got my foot into my stubborn shoe.

“Anna?” I watched his hand slowly lift from his side; I knew he would touch my chin if I let him and make me look at him.

“No,” I reached out and stopped his hand in mid air. “I have to go,” I told his feet before turning towards the door. I fumbled with the lock, I couldn’t help it, I was shaking. He was watching me; I could feel his eyes on my back. I got the feeling that he wasn’t happy but he didn’t say anything to stop me from leaving, not even when I hesitated after I managed to open the door. I glanced over my shoulder very briefly, “Bye Josh.”

It seemed like the world slowed down as I walked away from his apartment. I wanted so badly to look back but I didn’t, I forced myself to stare straight ahead and make each step that took me further and further away from him.

I made it down to my car so how, even now I can’t remember the actual trip down the stairs or out of his apartment building, all I remember is the cold empty feeling that came over me when I stepped out into the night. I took a moment before I started my car, I couldn’t believe that I just left Josh’s place like that, he didn’t ask you to leave, so why did you leave? I sighed and stuffed my key into the ignition, without answering myself.

I was just about to shift into gear when my cell phone rang, checking the caller ID, my heart skipped a beat when I saw Josh’s number. “Hello?” I answered my phone and glanced towards his building; he was standing at the hallway window, the one we watched Jesse from the first time I was there when Carol picked him up.

“You left your smock,” he told me, his voice was emotionless almost cold.

“I can always get another one,” I told him as I watched him. He pulled the phone from his ear and looked at it for a moment and then held it to his ear again.

“Just come and get it,” he snapped. He hung up on me and walked away from the window, back up the stairs to his apartment.

I sat there for a minute wondering why it’s such a big deal. I tried to tell myself that I would just go grab it and leave. He has to know that this wasn’t easy for you, leaving like that. He has to know that you don’t want to go back because it took all your energy to leave the first time.

Instead of sitting there any longer, I decided that I would go and get it over with. I do recall the trip back up to his apartment, it wasn’t all that exciting. I got to his door and I hesitated, it was closed and I didn’t know if I should knock or walk in. It turned out I didn’t need to worry about that because the door opened before I made up my mind. “Hey,” I said, feeling totally stupid afterwards.

Josh didn’t say anything; he just turned from the door and disappeared into the living room. I glanced towards his front closet but my smock wasn’t there. “Josh? Where is my smock?” He didn’t answer. Oh lord, I sighed. Is he really mad at me for leaving? If he was then why would be call me back? I stepped into his apartment, closing the door behind me and then walked over to where the carpet for the living room started, since I still had my boots on and I didn’t want to track water over his carpet, I stopped. “Josh?”

Without even looking up from the bag he was stuffing, he spoke. “You said you would help me with the party stuff, it’s not done yet.”

“But Josh,” I stared at him.

He grabbed a loot bag and held it out to me. “You promised.”

If he didn’t say that, I would’ve turned and walked out but he knew, he knew damn well that I couldn’t go back on a promise and he was using that knowledge to his advantage. I could see him smile as I removed my jacket and boots to join him. “That’s not fair,” I told him as I took the bag from him. “Not fair at all.”

We finished the rest of the bags in silence, every now and then I would glance in his direction, he was still smiling and I wanted to slap that smile off his face. Well not really, I actually wanted to kiss him but thinking about slapping him didn’t mess with my senses as badly.

Once we were done the bags, I went to get up and he grabbed my hand. “Party stuff,” he said and then pulled a box from down by the side of the table. “I need to figure out what prizes I’m giving for what games and I need to wrap them.”

“You didn’t mention that to me earlier,” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“It was in with the stuff that I picked up tonight,” he said innocently. “But if you didn’t want to help…” he trailed off.

“What games are you playing?” I asked as I took the box from him. “And what are you wrapping this in?”

Josh pulled out a couple rolls of paper, one had cars on it and the other was a plain blue paper. “I couldn’t get the real ‘Cars’,” he told me as he examined the paper. “But Jesse won’t notice, will he?” I assured him that Jesse would love the paper just because there are cars on it. “I also have this,” Josh pulled a bag from the pile and pulled out something that I thought was more wrapping paper. He slowly unrolled it and I saw it was a huge drawing of Lightning McQueen. “I used a projector at work to trace the picture of Lightning and then I had a couple kids volunteer to color it for me.” He reached in the bag and pulled out smaller papers and showed them to me, every page was the same, they all were Lightning’s car number ‘95’ with a little lightning bolt. “I figured Jesse would love this instead of Pin the Tail On the Donkey…”

I glanced back and forth from the drawing of Lightning and the numbers, “Oh! That’s so cool! He’ll love it!”

“I just need to cut off the excess plastic from the laminating,” he told me.

We set to work on the prizes, he was writing down the games and what prizes were for each. “Do you think we should label the prize after we wrap it? Or will you remember?”

I looked up at him, about to tell him that I wasn’t going to be there when he dropped the pen he was holding and turned towards me. “Anna,” he bent over and grasped my legs, he turned me around to face him letting my legs rest over his before moving his butt across the floor so he was sitting oh so close to me.

“Anna,” he started again, his left hand resting above my knee while his right hand lifted towards my face.