I Don't Want To Fight

I had planned on calling Josh when I woke up in the morning but I slept in and arrived at work ten minutes late. By the time that I got my first break, it was almost ten and he would be in the middle of class, so I told myself I would call him on my lunch break.

When lunch came, I went into the back to grab my cell and clock out. While I walked through the doors and back into the sales floor, I flipped open my cell and went to dial his cell number.

“So it’s just me that can’t get you to call back?”

“What?” My head snapped up. “Josh?” I stared at him for a second and then glanced down at my phone. “I was just going to call you,” I told him and turned my phone around so he could see his number on my screen.

He barely glanced at the screen, he didn’t look too happy standing there with his arms folded over his chest. “Because calling me when you got home was too much of a hassle?”

My eyes narrowed, I went to ask him what he was talking about but changed my mind. “No because it was almost one when I got the message from Cassie and you would’ve been sleeping.”

“I wasn’t, I was waiting for you to call.”

“How was I…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “Was there anything wrong?”

“No,” he snapped at me and then told me to forget about it as he turned to leave.

“Josh!” I grabbed his arm, stopping him. “What’s going on with you? I didn’t call when I got home because I didn’t think you would be awake and I slept in this morning so I didn’t have time to call you before I started work. But what does it matter?” I tried to read his expression as I spoke but he just seemed to be so upset with me.

“What does it matter?” He repeated as he stared down at me. “Oh I don’t know, maybe I was worried about you when you didn’t get home when you said you would and you weren’t answering your cell!”

“Why are you checking up on me?”

“What?” He frowned. “I’m not checking up on you!”

“No?” I crossed my arms over my chest, shaking my head. “How many times did you call Zack’s? How many times did you call my cell? Why are you here right now?”

“I’m not checking up on you!” He snapped for the second time in ten minutes.

“Of course you aren’t!” I dropped my arms. ‘What was I thinking? It’s completely normal for someone who wants to just be friends to act like a jealous lover!”

When Josh started to turn red and stumble over his words, I sighed. “You think this is easy for me Anna?” His tone had changed, he didn’t sound so angry any more.

“No Josh I don’t think it’s easy for you,” I paused and then told him this was what he wanted. “You can’t have it both ways Josh, you can’t get there and treat me like a friend only to act like my boyfriend; it’s confusing.”

“I just wanted to know that you got home safely Anna, I just can’t turn off my feelings for you.”

“I know,” I took a deep breath and gazed up at him. “But if you want to just be friends you have to take a step back and give me some room.”

“How much room do you need?” I didn’t answer him. “Anna?” He came closer to me, “How much space?”

I gazed up into his eyes and I couldn’t help myself, he was so close to me. Lifting my hands to his chest, I stood on the tip of my toes to press a kiss against his lips. “There will never be enough space between us for me to be ok with just being your friend.”

“Anna,” my name was a mere whisper on his lips as his hands closed around my waist, holding me against his body. “I love you,” he told me, his mouth capturing mine for one of his mind blowing, knee melting kisses.

At first I was thrilled that he was kissing me. He loves me! I thought and then remembered that he never denied loving me, he just doesn’t feel that he can trust you. With all the strength I had, I pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him away from me. “No Josh,” I stared up at his surprised look and I wanted to say ‘screw it’ and go back to kissing him but I couldn’t; I wanted his trust more than anything else in the world at that moment.

“What’s wrong?” His eyes scanned my face for some clue to what I was thinking. “I thought you were enjoying our kiss as much as I was.”

“I was,” I told him, I wasn’t about to deny that. “But Josh I want more, I want you to be able to trust me like you used too.” Josh glanced down at the floor for a second and then back at me, he didn’t have to say anything, I could see what he was thinking. “I don’t think that you are there yet and as much as it kills me, I don’t think that we should kiss or anything else until you are.” I mumbled something about having to get something to eat before I turned from him.

“Anna,” Josh grabbed my arm but I didn’t turn back to him. We stood there like that for a while, Josh with his hand on my arm, looking down at me and me trying hard not to look back at him. “I’m working on it,” he leaned down, kissed my cheek and then he released me. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”