A Hard Decision

My heart skipped a beat as he slipped his hand around mine and led me into his semi dark living room. If I didn’t see all the party stuff still in bags on the coffee table, I would’ve thought that he was planning on doing something a little more romantic and oh so wonderful. He held my hand until I was seated on the floor in front of the couch, then he lowered his body next to mine.

“So?” I glanced at the bags of stuff and then at him. “What now?”

He took his time answering me. When I glanced at him, he was leaning against the couch with his hand against his face, watching me. After I spoke to him, he gave me a smile and then moved to pull one of the bags towards us. “I guess we should get started on putting the goody bags together.”

“Ok,” I watched him pull bag after bag towards us and empty it onto the floor in front of us. “Think you have enough stuff?” I asked when he was done emptying the bags.

“I don’t know,” he tilted his head, looking at the pile in front of us. “I just want Jesse’s birthday party to be the best,” he sighed. “I think I might have went a little over board though but,” he shrugged.

“He’s your son and you haven’t had him for his birthday yet?” I reached for the ‘Cars’ loot bags and ripped them opened. “So how many kids do you have coming to his party?”

He thought about it for a moment and then he told me that he thought he invited about 15 kids. “I’m not sure if they are all going to be there though.”

We started putting together the loot bags and we talked about work and family. I mentioned taking the kids to KidZone and he told me that I told him that the other day. “Oh,” I frowned. “I’m sorry.”

He told me it wasn’t a problem. “So? Did Bella make it back yet with her brother?” I rolled my eyes and he asked me what that was about.

I told him how Jordan was waiting at work for Bella to come. “When they get there, she goes to him and says hello and I introduce myself to her brother.” I turned to Josh, “He has to be the rudest guy I’ve ever met! He had the nerve to say that it was nice to meet the woman who backstabbed his sister.”

“What?” Josh raised a brow in my direction as he finished the bag he was working on.

“He immediately got into the whole thing with…” I trailed off and he looked at me. “Forget about it.”

Josh leaned back against the couch, “He got into what happened with you and Jordan? He wasn’t too impressed?” He paused for a second and then he asked me if I blamed him.

“I don’t think it’s his place to say anything, what happened had nothing to do with him. Sure he’s Bella’s brother but if Bella is giving Jordan a second chance, then should he really be saying anything?”

“Are you really asking me that?” I didn’t answer him; I grabbed a bag and started to stuff it instead. “Anna, I asked you a question.”

Without turning towards Josh I started to speak. “He doesn’t know me; he has no right to assume that he knows what was going on or what happened. I’m not even sure if Jordan told Bella everything.” I dropped the bag and looked at him. “And frankly, I don’t care. I’m tired of having that moment thrown in my face. I know it was wrong, I know it shouldn’t have happened and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ve apologized, I’ve took full responsibility and…” I sighed. “I don’t know what else I can do.”

Josh took his time before he said anything, when he spoke he seemed to be choosing his words carefully. “You can’t expect people to just forget about what happened because you are tired of feeling bad about it Anna.”

“I don’t expect anyone to just forget about it Josh, I haven’t attempted to push anyone to move past it either.” I forced my eyes to his, holding his gaze even though I didn’t want too. “But there has to be a time when I’m allowed to try to work past it and prove how I truly feel, or I’m told that it will never happen. I can’t remain in limbo forever; I can’t keep beating myself up and having others kick me while I’m down.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you won’t give me the time I’ve asked for?”

I shook my head, “No I’m not telling you that Josh.”

“Don’t force me to make a decision Anna.”

“I’m not!” I bit my lip to try to stop it from trembling but it didn’t help. “I have to use the bathroom,” I told him as I jumped to my feet and made my way past him.

I must have spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to calm myself down, to pull back from the edge of no return. I didn’t want the night to go like this, I wanted to spend time with him, have some fun and maybe make him see that I did love him and only him. But I had to be honest; the fact that he didn’t or couldn’t trust me was tearing me apart.

When I went back out into the living room, he was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. “Josh?” I stopped within a couple feet of where he was sitting. I didn’t attempt to go any closer because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have the guts to do what I knew I should.

He looked so sad and alone when he looked up at me, I wanted to go to him, I even felt myself start to move forward but I stopped myself. “I don’t think that I should go to Jesse’s party on Saturday.” He opened his mouth to say something but I continued. “I’ve hurt a lot of people and I didn’t mean too. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. If I show up, he’s going to think that everything is fine and it’s not. You aren’t sure if you can trust me and you don’t know if you will ever be able to trust me. I don’t want to get his hopes up only to crush them again.” I paused and then added that I will ask my sister in law or one of my nieces to bring Conner and Jenna if he still wanted them to go. “I should go,” I turned and walked towards his front door, stopping only long enough to grab my jacket and get my shoes on.

Josh had come up behind me while I was struggling with my shoes. “Anna…”