A Backwards Step

Josh closed his eyes for a moment, I felt his hand twitch on my waist and then he opened his eyes again. “I wish I could say yes Anna but I can’t,” he gave a sad sounding chuckle. “Hell I can’t even say no really.”

“That doesn’t make any sense Josh, it’s either you do or you don’t.”

He shook his head, “I don’t know how to explain it besides saying it that way Anna. In many ways I do trust you but in some other ways I don’t know if I can.”

“Josh,” I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. “I can’t continue to do this you know.”

“Do what?” He propped himself up on an elbow and stared down at me. “Anna what can’t you do?”

“I can’t wait around forever for you to figure out if you want me or not,” I took a deep breath and looked up at him. “It’s hard to be with you and not really be with you. I’m happy when I see you or when I hear from you but that happiness turns to confusion and self loathing when I can’t touch you or kiss you like I want too. It hurts Josh.”

“You think I’m not hurting Anna? I jumped into ‘us’ head first without looking, I was planning our future with my son; hell I even asked you to marry me. I was so damn serious about us and to have you throw it all that back in my face with one ‘I wanted to know how it felt’ kiss with Jordan? How the hell do you think that makes me feel? Do you think I like not being able to be with you the way I want to be? Do you think I’m just doing this to punish you?”

I jumped up and turned towards him, “I never said it was easy for you Josh! I know it’s not, if it was I’d be worried if you really did care about me like you say you do.” I groaned and drug my hand through my hair. “All I was trying to tell you was how hard this is for me, knowing that this is all my fault and how I worry that there isn’t anything that I can do to make you see it will never happen again, you would never have any reason to question my feelings for you.”

Josh was quiet for a while, I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and tell him I loved him and nothing will ever change that; I wanted everything to be like it was before I fucked up.

“What do you expect me to do Anna?” He asked finally. “Do you want me to forget all about it? Do you want me to be friends with Jordan, instead of wanting to beat the crap out or him like I wanted to today?”

“But you didn’t,” I stated.

“No, I didn’t. Do you know why?” When I shook my head, he sighed. “I wasn’t too happy to hear that we had to go to Jordan’s to drop Jenna off, I guess I was hoping that she was going to her mom’s not to his place. When I saw him on the steps as I drove up, I wanted to keep driving, I wanted to hit him.” I gasped and he smiled. “I know, it’s immature and stupid but God it would’ve made me feel better for two seconds.”

“No it wouldn’t,” I told him. “You would feel bad about it as soon as you did it.”

“Yeah,” he agreed reluctantly. “I would regret it but it felt nice to think about doing it.”

“But you talked to him,” I really wanted to know about that because I didn’t expect it.

He nodded. “I was going to stay in the car and let you deal with him but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to sit there and wonder what you two were saying, so I got out. I wasn’t going to talk to him, I wasn’t even going to acknowledge his presence but when I went to hand Jenna to you, I happened to glance at Jordan and I recognized something in the way he looked at Jenna; it was the same expression I know I had when I first got to spend time with Jesse. It didn’t change what happened but yet it helped me see him in a different light, one that stopped me from kicking his ass.”

“Well I’m very glad you didn’t kick his ass Josh, I wouldn’t want to have to explain to the kids why you were beating Jordan up and why he cried so easily.” I smiled at him, “Jenna has lots of time before she needs to know her daddy is a big wuss.”

Josh laughed, “Well when I saw that look I had to tell him whatever I could think of about Jenna that he would need to know; I remember getting Jesse sometimes and not knowing if I should try to feed him or change him or what. There were times that he cried and I couldn’t figure out why…”

“You didn’t want Jordan to go through that?” I was surprised that he would care that much about making things easier for Jordan.

“I know it sounds crazy Anna but not knowing what’s wrong with your kid isn’t something I would wish on anyone, no matter how pissed off I am at them.”

“I’m glad to hear that Josh, it takes a big man to put differences aside for any reason.” Josh nodded absently. “What are you thinking?” I asked him.

“There was one thing that I found a little strange though.”

“Oh? What was that?” Thinking back, I couldn’t think of anything that was out of the ordinary.

“He didn’t say anything to you,” Josh stated and when I asked him what he was talking about, he told me that Jordan didn’t say anything to me at all. “Is there something going on?”

I shook my head, “I guess there was really nothing that we needed to say to each other.” I shrugged. “We really haven’t been talking like we used too because we don’t really see each other that much anymore.”

“And how do you feel about that? You and Jordan were almost inseparable.”

“Well we hung out all the time because we lived together; we didn’t have to go out to hang out with someone. It’s like now I spend more time with my family because I see them more, it’s not an effort to go and see them; Jordan spends most of his time with Jenna and Bella.” I smiled at Josh, “Why did you ask?”

He shrugged, “I just thought it was strange.”

“I think it happens to most friends, life gets in the way but you know that they’ll be there when you need a friend; it’s like that with Nick, I know he’s there if I need him and he knows that about me.”

“So it wasn’t because I was there?”

I told him it wasn’t and silence soon fell over the room. I’m not sure how much time passed before I spoke again. “Well,” I turned my head to look up at Josh. “I should get going, it’s getting late.”

“No,” Josh mumbled as his arm tightened around me. “You don’t have to leave,” he told me. “You can stay here.”

“I can’t Josh, I have to work in the morning and Chad asked me not to be too late.”

“But I don’t want you to go,” his lips brushed against my temple as he spoke. “Please just stay with me tonight?”

I wanted to say I would, my heart was screaming for me to tell him yes but my mind was telling me that if I stayed I would end up more confused than I already was, you need to set some boundaries, you need to decide what you are doing to do now.

“Josh,” I pushed him away from me and sat up. “Don’t do that, don’t get there an act like my boyfriend when you don’t really want to be, I can’t play this game with you.”

“I’m not playing games Anna!” Josh sat up on the bed and stared at me as I got off the bed.

“No?” He shook his head and I sighed. “I don’t trust you.”

“You don’t trust me?” Josh stood up, he looked mad.

“Well,” I moved in close to him and lifted my hands to his chest, gazing up at him. “I trust you enough to hold you, touch you and want to be around you but not enough to be with you again.”

Josh stepped back from me, crossing his arms over his chest. “I never said that!”

“No? Well that’s the message you are sending me Josh and I’m sorry but I can’t take much more of it.”

“You want to see other people?” Josh asked slowly.

“NO!” I exclaimed and groaned. “Josh I want to see you! But you tell me you need time which I don’t really want to give you because I’m afraid that if I do you’ll realize that you are happier without me in your life.”

“Anna,” Josh went to reach for me but I stopped him.

“I have to go Josh, it’s getting late and my brother is probably waiting up for me to get home.” I turned and ran out of his room because if I walked I knew I would be more inclined to stop and go to him.

I made it to the door before Josh caught up with me; he rested his hand against the door. “Asking for time doesn’t mean that I’ll forget about you Anna.”

“I hope not,” I told him. “Because right now, you have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do.”

“What do you mean?”

With a fake smile pasted on my face, I glanced up at him. “I’m stepping back…away…whatever you want to call it. You say you need time then you have it. I won’t call you or bug you or anything; when you know what you want, you know where to find me.”

“Anna,” Josh grabbed hold of my arm. “I want to be able to see you and to talk to you.”

“And I want to make love to you.” The words were out before I could stop them and I didn’t even regret saying them but I did close my eyes. “So what are you suggesting Josh?” I opened my eyes and raised a brow. “You want to be friends?”

“I think that would be a good place to start,” he said softly.