Tragic Scene

It’s no secret that my parents died when I was eight years old and that Zach had been given the great joy of being my legal guardian. It’s no secret that my parents’ deaths were the result of a drunk driving accident. What might be a secret or at least a surprise to some people is that I blame myself for their deaths. Or I did for the longest time.

When I was younger my parents often went on what they would call ‘date nights’. My father would go spend the day with either his friends or one of my brothers, anything to keep him out of the house. While he was out my mother would go shopping, buy a little something new; a hair clip, underwear or sometimes even a new pair of pants or shoes. It didn’t matter what it was, as long as there was some thing new for her ‘date’ with my father. My father would get ready at whoever’s house he happened to be at and drive over to ‘pick up’ my mother. Normally Mary looked after me and when Cassie was born, I started to spend the night at their place. My parents had these nights once or twice a month depending on how much they felt like they needed some time alone.

It wasn’t a night like any other but it wasn’t completely unusual; they dropped me off at Zach’s, Cassie was feeling a little under the weather so Mary didn’t want to take her outside. They make me promise to be a good girl for Mary and gave me hugs and kisses as they told me they’d pick me up in the morning.

I tried to behave for Mary that night, but Cassie was crying all the time and I wasn’t feeling good myself so I wanted my mom. Mary tried to make me feel better but it just wasn’t the same, I told her. After a couple hours of listening to both Cassie and me whining and crying, Mary snapped and told me to get ready for bed. I got pissy, I ran to their room with the notepad that had the number to get a hold of my parents and I called them. I lied to my mother; I told her that Mary was yelling at me. I told her I wasn’t feeling good and I wanted her to come home. After some failed attempts to calm me down, my mother told me that my dad and her would come for me.

Only thing was that they didn’t make it back. On their way home from the restaurant, a pickup truck with drunk teenagers blew through a red light slamming into the passenger side of my parents car.

While I was waiting for my parents to come for me, Zach responded to the 911 call about the accident. No one knew at the time that it was his parents in the car. He told me many years later, that it was the worst moment of his life. He said that he saw the car and told himself that it wasn’t dad’s car, that there were many other cars out there like that. He told me that his partner tried to keep him from the wreck when he realized that it was our parents but it was already too late, he had already seen the outcome.

I heard footsteps on the outside steps to Zach’s place. I jumped up from the couch where I was waiting for my parents and ran to the door, swinging it open. I think I went to say something like, ‘oh it’s only you’ when the look on Zach’s face stopped me. I’ve never seen my brother look so pale, so terrified in my whole life. Mary jumped up from the couch and ran over to him, asking him what was wrong. But Zach kept repeating, ‘we have to wait for Chad’.

The whole time we were waiting for Chad, I kept asking when mom and dad were coming so I could go home. It was about ten minutes later that Chad showed up at Zach’s; he was at work when Zach called him to tell him he was needed at home.

Zach made us all sit on the couch; he stood in front of us and looked like he was at a lost for what to say. He stood there for a good five minutes, just looking at us, taking deep breaths and then he said words that I’ll never forget for as long as I live, “There’s been a accident…” he stumbled over his next words, “our parents…mom…dad…they were…they are…” he couldn’t look at us at this point.

I didn’t know what he was trying to say but Mary and Chad did, Mary started to cry and Chad jumped up and told him it wasn’t funny. I watched them all and asked, “When are mommy and daddy coming for me?”

I don’t know if they thought about me up to that point, if they even realized that our parents’ death meant that I was without guardianship or guidance. All three of them turned in unison and stared at me, unsure of what to do or how to explain it to me.

“Anna?” Zach got to his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his as Mary sat down and wrapped her arms around me. “Sis, I need to you listen to me. Can you do that?” I nodded, I was scared. “Mom and dad were in a bad accident, they were hurt really badly.”

“But you fixed them Zachy?” Mary hugged me tighter when I asked that.

Zach shook his head and lowered it to my lap. “No Anna,” his shoulders started to shake. “I couldn’t fix them, I wanted too but I couldn’t.”

I knew that wasn’t good, I remember my lip started to tremble as the tears came. “When are mommy and daddy coming home?”

Zach lost all control over his emotions at that point. “I’m sorry Anna, I couldn’t fix them.” He looked up at me as the tears streamed down his face. “Mom and dad aren’t coming home Anna, they are gone to heaven with nanny and poppy.”

“No!” I slapped him. “Nanny and poppy don’t need them. I need them!”

Zach pulled me into his arms and held me as I struck out at him, he kept repeating ‘I’m sorry’ the entire time.

*****

Jordan’s softly spoken words brought me back to reality; he was holding me and stroking my hair while he whispered to me. I don’t know exactly what he was whispering; all I know the calm tone helped me not to go over the deep end. I looked up at him, “Sometimes I still feel that if I didn’t call them, if I wasn’t such a brat that night, my parents would still be alive.”

“Anna, what did Zach tell you about that?”

“That if I were to blame so is he for not getting there sooner,” I sighed, “You think my parents’ death has screwed me up?”

Jordan shook his head, “No babe you were screwed up long before that.” He smiled as I hit his arm, “I think that you are afraid to really get close to Josh because you are afraid something will happen. You’ll let him in a little, you’ll totally be there for him during this drama around him but the second it dies down, and you’ll look for ways to make him leave. Like you said you’ll pick at what he says and won’t tell him what you are thinking. You will try to get him to leave so you can beat yourself up over everything that you did to drive him away.”

“How crazy is that?”

“Totally friggin crazy!” Jordan smiled. “But I have to tell you something, I’m not going to let you do that.”

I raised a brow, “Oh?”

He shook his head, “No, I’m not going to let you ruin your relationship with Josh.” He rested his forehead against mine, “You love the guy and for some crazy reason he loves you too.” He paused, a little smile playing on his lips, “And frankly, you are starting to cramp my style.”