A Mother's Love - A Son's Despair

I was mad, how dare she talk to me like that? How dare she doubt how I feel about Josh without even getting to know me? I quickly made my way over to her, stopping her from leaving the room. “I want to scream at you and tell you that you don’t know what you are talking about, that you have no right to assume that my feelings for Josh aren’t real. You don’t know me and honestly you haven’t even given me a chance. Sure I didn’t expect you to roll out the red carpet or anything but you know Josh thought you’d like me because he does.” I paused for a moment, taking a breath. “You don’t have to like me but I hope you are good at pretending because I’m in Josh’s life for as long as he’ll have me.” I didn’t bother to stand there and wait for her to say anything; I went back to the salad I was making. I was fuming still but as I sat there, I started to feel bad for talking to her like that.

“Why did you jump up then?” His mom was back to sitting across the counter from me.

I didn’t look up from what I was doing, “Why wouldn’t I? It’s not like I expected to come in here and have my friendship with Jordan used as a reason I shouldn’t be with Josh. If Josh told you we talked about it and if he’s happy with the results of that talk, who are you to question me?”

“I’m his mother, that’s who I am.”

I looked up at her, “Yeah but do you really want to be the one to tell him that you got rid of me and any happiness that he’s felt since he’s come back in my life?”

Something I said surprised her; I could tell by the way she was looking at me. “What do you mean by ‘back in your life’? When did you know Joshua? He’s never mentioned you before he came back into town this past summer.”

I mentally kicked myself, “I met Josh five years ago, when he was still married. I was hanging out with Robbie back then.”

“Did you and Joshua…?” She seemed at a lost for what she wanted to say.

“Did we what?”

“You know,” she pressed her hands together. “Did you?”

I turned my head slightly to the side, trying to figure out what she meant when it hit me, oh my god she is asking if we had sex! “Oh lord no! He was married!”

“That doesn’t matter to some people.”

“It does to me. No matter how attracted I was to him, there was no way I would cross that line.”

“I have to be honest Anna,” Helen got up and walked around to my side of the counter and sat down next to me. “When Joshua told me that he was seeing you, I didn’t like it. I don’t really know you and what I did hear about you makes me think that you are only in this for the short term. Joshua isn’t looking at short term, he never did.”

“Mrs. Baker…”

She held up her hand, “Please call me Helen. I know that he’s old enough to make his own mistakes and he probably wouldn’t listen to me if I told him it was a bad idea.” She gave a little laugh, “Actually I know he wouldn’t listen to me if I told him that, he didn’t when I told him not to marry Carol.”

“But I’m not her,” I snapped.

“No,” she agreed. “You aren’t.”

“Why don’t you just give me a chance? Get to know who I am and then judge me. You may just see what Josh sees in me.”

She thought about what I said and nodded, “Joshua trusts you and for the moment I will too just don’t hurt him Anna.”

Having come to some kind of understanding with Helen, we went back to preparing dinner without any more flare ups. She asked me about my family and she told me stories about Josh when he was younger. It was nice to be able to have a sensible conversation with her.

As I finished the last task she gave me, I noticed that it had been an hour since Josh and I arrived, I wondered where he was and what was going on. “Helen, where did Josh go?”

She handed me a glass of ice tea and sat down, “Joshua is in the study with Frank, Walter and Roy.”

“Who are they?” I asked as I took a sip of the tea. I wasn’t a big ice tea fan; in fact I never did understand why people loved it so much. But with the first sip of Helen’s ice tea, I found I needed to have another, it was so good.

“Well Frank is Joshua’s father, my husband. Walter is Joshua’s lawyer and Roy is the private investigator that Frank hired without Joshua knowing.”

“Oh?” I put down my glass after drinking about a third of it. “This has to do with Jesse? About Josh’s attempts to get full custody?”

Helen smiled, “Jesse is such a sweet little boy, and he loves his dad very much.”

“Yes, I’ve seen that. I’ve also seem how difficult it is for both of them when Jesse has to go.”

Helen frowned, “Joshua never lets anyone be there when Carol comes to pick Jesse up. I’ve tried many times to get him to let me come over but he keeps telling me that it’s something he has do to by himself. How did you get to be there?” She sounded so hurt by the fact that I was there that I started to wonder if that was the real reason she didn’t like me, could she be jealous that Josh let me in on this day?

I lowered my head, “I spent last night with Josh and Jess. I was there this morning but ended up leaving because Jesse wanted to be alone with his dad. Later on Josh called me and asked me to come back; Jesse was crying in the background, he wanted me to be there. So I went back over.”

“How was it? When Carol left with Jesse?”

Even though I could hear the concern in her voice, I was reluctant to tell her about what happened, “I don’t know if I should really tell you, Josh should be the one telling you.”

Helen came over to my side of the counter again, she didn’t bother to sit down she just grabbed my hand. “I’m glad that you were there for Joshua today. By the time I call him to get him to come over here, he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it. I just wish he would, so I could help him through it.”

“No you don’t,” I shook my head sadly. “It’s horrible; I can’t believe they have to go through it every time. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry.”

Helen pulled up a stool and sat down, “Please tell me about it. I can’t stand not knowing and not being able to be there for Joshua.”

“I can’t,” I whispered, “He trusted me to be there, I won’t break that trust.”

“Anna please?” Helen grabbed my other hand, tears were filling her eyes. “Joshua won’t be upset if you tell me.”

“The hell I won’t!” Josh’s voice came from the doorway. “Mom!” He quickly made his way over to us. “How could you?”

Helen jumped up, “I don’t understand why you won’t tell me! Joshua I want to help but you keep that part of your life blocked off and no one is able to get through, until now.” She glanced at me and then turned back to Josh. “Please Joshua?”

“Why mom? It’s not like talking about it is going to make me feel better that I don’t have my son. It kills me every time he leaves!”

“But Joshua, talking about it can help you get through until you see him again.” Helen tried to reason with him.

Josh ran a hand roughly through his hair, “Fine! You want to know?” Helen nodded, “Ok then.” Josh stood there and replayed every moment from this morning, he told her everything that happened from waking up until the moment she called him. All the anger he felt, every doubt he had about his ability as a father and each regret he had about not being there for Jesse more. By the time he was finished, he was shaking so badly that I got up and made him sit down one the stool I was sitting on. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him as he looked at his mom. “Are you happy now mom? Do you feel better knowing?” He lowered his head, “Every time he has to go, I feel like I die a little more inside. One day I’m afraid that there will be nothing left of me to fight for him.”