Is Anything Ever What It Seems?

“So you know him?” I asked Phil, wondering why just hearing Zach’s name would make him nervous.

“No.” He shook his head, “No, I don’t know him. I’ve heard of him though.” He glanced at Carol and then back at Josh. “Ok, so we’ll just be going now.”

Carol turned to him with a stunned look on her face. “No we won’t. We are here for Jesse.”

“Sugar, Josh is right. He does have Jess until 5 and if he doesn’t want to let him go with us now, he has every right to refuse. Come on,” Phil placed his hand on Carol’s arm and tried to guide her away from the door. “I’ll take you to that restaurant you always want to go too.”

“But Phil…” Carol pulled her arm out of his and motioned towards Josh.

“Carol!” Phil was regaining color in his face, as he stood there looking at her, his face was getting redder. “Don’t argue with me! I told you we’ll go for an early dinner and then come back for your kid.” He turned and started to walk away, “Now come on!”

Carol stared at Phil’s back as he started down the stairs. “I guess…” she mumbled like she was unsure of what just happened.

“Carol! Don’t make me have to come back up there!” Phil yelled from the stairs.

“Umm, I guess we’ll be back for Jesse.” Carol barely looked at us as she took off in the direction that Phil went. For one brief moment, I thought I saw fear in her eyes and I felt sorry for her. Could Phil be the one who Jesse is really scared of?

I glanced up at Josh and he was looking at me. “Don’t feel sorry for her, whatever is going on between them, is none of our business.”

“How can you say that? Aren’t you the least bit concerned?”

He shook his head, “Anna you don’t understand, I can’t worry about her anymore. She made the choice to be with him and she chooses to stay with him. There is nothing I can or will do to help her.” He turned and retreated into his apartment.

“Wait a minute!” I followed him, closing the door behind me. “On some level you once cared about what happened to her, you can’t tell me that you stopped caring, even just a little.”

“That’s exactly what I did, I stopped caring the moment she left. And I started to hate her the moment she started to try and make my life hell.” He sat down on the couch and held out his hand for me to join him.

Taking his hand, I started to say, “But I don’t -”

“Anna, I don’t want to talk about it! Just drop it, whatever problems she’s having are hers to deal with!” He snapped before jumping off the couch, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go check on Jesse.”

I probably should’ve let him go but I didn’t. I probably should’ve dropped it but I couldn’t. Even though she’s been nothing but a bitch to me, I can’t stand by and not do anything if I think something is wrong. I grabbed his arm and stood in his path, “Josh if something is going on between Phil and Carol it is your problem because that’s where your son lives. He sees and hears anything that happens there. If Phil and Carol are having problems, who’s to say that they aren’t taking their anger out on Jesse?”

“Anna,” he said my name in a tone that made me think he was warning me but I didn’t stop.

“She’s his mom Josh and no matter how you feel about her, she will always be his mom. He will always love her no matter what.”

Josh looked down at my hand on his arm and then he slowly turned his eyes my way. “I know she’s his mom,” he said slowly. “Do you think it’s easy for me to send him home every Sunday when he clearly doesn’t want to go? Don’t you think I’ve wondered if there wasn’t something wrong with their relationship? I’ve spent many sleepless nights wondering why she’s with him, what she sees in him.” Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and blew it out slowly and a little shaky.

I expected him to say something else but he didn’t and then I wondered why. Is he still hurting over Carol leaving? Could he still be in love with her? It was that last thought that scared me the most and it was the one question I needed to ask. “Josh?” He opened his eyes and waited for me to continue. “Do you..?” I coughed, I can’t ask this. I’m afraid his answer will be yes.

I don’t know if Josh sensed I was a little scared because he slide both his hands around my waist and held me in his arms, “Do I what?”

I glanced away from his intense gaze for a second, had a little mental moment and then looked back at him. “Do you still love her?”

Josh chuckled, “Are you serious?”

I nodded, “Yes very serious.”

“No Anna I don’t love her. I don’t think I ever really did.” He sighed, “I know that doesn’t make sense but when I was finally free of her I couldn’t believe that we were actually together for as long as we were. We had nothing in common, she hated what I do for a living, and she didn’t get along with my family. She hated to be out anywhere with me, I was never good enough for her; she was always trying to change me and I hated every minute of it.”

“Oh,” I said and looked away from him, feeling a little silly that I thought he might still have feelings for her.

“Anna,” his fingers touched my chin and tilted it upwards. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but if I never had to see her again,” he smiled. “That would be the happiest day of my life.”

Having only been around married people who really loved and cared for each other, I couldn’t really understand why someone would stay married for almost 5 years if everything was so horrible. “Were there any good times Josh?”

He thought about it for a moment, “Yes, there were some good moments.” He looked over my shoulder as Jesse came out of his room. “The best moment was when he was born, everything else fades in comparison.”