And Then He Was Gone

We stood in silence at the window for a long time after Phil drove away. I wanted to say something, anything to Josh to make him feel a little better but I didn’t know what to say. So I watched him out of the corner of my eye instead and waited for him to say or do something. His eyes were still transfixed on the area where Phil’s car was parked, I wondered if he was afraid to look away, afraid to let me see him at what was probably his most vulnerable.

I always though I wanted a guy who didn’t show any emotions, who rolled with the punches and got on with his life; I thought emotions made a man weak. But as I stood next to Josh, I realized that a truly strong man was one who felt, and sometimes even cried. I didn’t think any less of him as he lowered his forehead to the glass and with one shaky breath and a sniff; he wiped the tears from his eyes.

At that moment, I wanted to hold him and never let go. Lifting my hand to his back, I moved in closer to him and kissed his upper arm. His shoulders slumped and he sighed, “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he turned his head towards me.

I stared into his tear filled blue eyes and my heart jumped up in my throat, the pain I saw reflected in his eyes made me want to do anything I could to get Jesse back that very moment. I don’t know if he sensed what I was thinking or not, he kissed my forehead and gave me a halfhearted smile as he took my hand in his and turned towards the stairs.

When we were back in his apartment, he closed the door and leaned against it. He didn’t say for a moment as he stared sadly down the hall into Jesse’s room. Without looking at me once, he mumbled something about cleaning Jesse’s room and left me standing at the door.

I spun around and watched him enter the room and grab the air mattress that Jesse said was his bed, off the floor. He stared at it for a moment and then his hand drew back and he punched the mattress before falling to his knees by Jess’s bed. He lowered his head to the bed; his arms were bent at the elbow and crossed over the back of his head. And that’s when his shoulders began to shake and I could hear muffled sobs. I felt like I was doing something wrong as I watched, I wanted to run to him and comfort him but something told me that he needed to do this, to have this moment alone so he could get through the days until Jess was back again. So with all the strength I had in me, I forced myself to turn away and find something to do until he was done.

It didn’t take long for me to find something to do; I spotted the dirty dishes from their breakfast and lunch. It seemed they were left there to be done later so nothing would take away from their time together. Smiling, twisted the stopper into the drain, turned on the water and squeezed a generous helping of Sunlight dish liquid into the rapidly rising water.

That is what I was doing when Josh reappeared in the kitchen. The moment he was near I felt his presence and even more so when he walked up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face against my neck.

I couldn’t help but grin as I pulled my soapy hands out of the hot water and glanced at him. He lifted his head a little and gently nibbled on my neck. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I groaned when his tongue flicked against my sensitive skin.

He chuckled, “You like that?” He did it again and got the same response. “Mmmm, you do.” He kissed my neck and then sighed as his arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry I left you alone out here, I wasn’t thinking. I’m not used to having someone over here when Jesse leaves; it’s very draining emotionally for me.” I nodded as if to tell him I understood and felt his hands at my waist as he turned me to face him. “Will you forgive me?” I wanted to laugh and tell him of course I did for I thought he wasn’t being serious but his expression told me he was.

“Oh Josh, of course I forgive you!” I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. “I was worried about you.” He raised a questioning brow and I smiled. “Yeah, I thought that mattress would punch back.”

“One day it just might,” he laughed, “but for now it lets me get some of the anger out.”

“That’s good,” I said and he nodded, picking up the towel to dry the dishes.

When the last dish was resting in its proper place, he took me by the hand and guided me to the couch where he sat down and then pulled me on to his lap. “So what did you and Carol talk about while I was getting Jess ready?”

I rolled my eyes, “She was up to the usual threatening stuff again. She thinks that you are only pretending to be interested in me so Zach will help you get custody of Jesse.”

“What?” Josh shook his head, “You know that’s not true, right?”

“Well, I don’t know why you are interested in me but I know it has nothing to do with Zach helping you out.”

He frowned, “Anna you must know why I’m interested by now.”

I thought about it, “Because I’m such a nice girl?”

“Yes, there’s that.” He smiled, “You are nice, smart, funny and such a pain in the butt at times but you make me truly happy and I haven’t felt that way ever. When you aren’t around, you are always on my mind. When you are here, I’m thanking God for every moment I get to spend with you.” Frowning, he sighed, “Anna you make the bad moments, like Jesse leaving, bearable. No one has ever been here with me when he leaves, and though I probably didn’t show it, having you here meant the world to me.” Shaking his head, he chuckled. “I’m not making any sense now, tell me to shut up.”

I smiled, brushing my lips against his cheek. “No,” I told him.

His arms tightened around me, “I love you Anna.”

“I lo-” Ring. I glared at the phone, “How rude!”

He laughed as he grabbed the phone, “Yes how dare it cut you off.” He glanced at the caller ID. “I have to take this.” He moved to get up so I slipped off his lap and watched him stand up and walk over to the window. “Hello?” Pausing for a moment, he ran his hand through his hair, “So did you…? Oh course,” he nodded and glanced at the clock on the wall. “Sure I can come over right now.” Pause. “Yeah, I can’t wait either. I’ll see you in five.”

Josh pressed the off button and dropped the phone in the easy chair next to him. “Honey, I’m sorry but I have to go,” he said as he headed for the door.

I sat up quickly, “Where are you going?”

He didn’t look at me as he grabbed his jacket and rammed his feet into his boots. “I don’t have time to explain,” he threw over his shoulder as he opened the door.

“But Josh,” I jumped up and ran to the door but he was already gone. I looked around the empty hallway, not sure what to think about his abrupt departure.