Love Hurts At All Ages

Before we made it to Jordan’s, Cass told me that she was hungry. When I asked her what she wanted, she shrugged but a second later she turned to me and asked if I would take her to Sev.

The door chimed as we walked into 7-11. “Ben doesn’t think eating food from here is healthy,” Cassie said out of nowhere. “But you know what Aunt Anna? I don’t care what he thinks, I’ll pig out on Sev’s food if I want and he can’t stop me!”

Taking a left after we got in the door, we made our way down the aisle towards the pop coolers where we both grabbed a liter of Pepsi before heading straight for the front counter where all the hot food was waiting for us, calling our name.

“So what did you want?” I asked her, not taking my eyes off the mountains of food; I couldn’t help but laugh when my stomach growled loudly. “I’m starving!”

“Well I would like some wedges and a chicken kabob,” she said and then groaned. “But look at those wings Aunt Anna! And the corn dogs and the…” she motioned towards the hot dog wieners that were rotating in their case. “I don’t know; it’s too hard to decide!”

I totally agreed with her. “Well we better make up our minds and get in line before we have nothing to choose from!”

While we were gawking at the food, we didn’t notice the door opening or the group of people that walked in. It wasn’t until I pulled Cassie into the line up that I noticed Ben over by the slurpee machines with his friends; he was watching us; he smiled when I caught his eye.

“Umm Cassie don’t be mad but -”

“Hey babygirl,” Ben slipped his arm around Cassie’s waist and nodded slightly in my direction. “What are you doing here?” He seemed so calm; I was wondering if he was really that stupid to think that Cassie wasn’t mad at him or if he was putting on an act because I was there.

“Don’t touch me!” Cassie hissed as she shoved him away from her. “Aunt Anna can we just go?”

“But Cassie, what about…?” I gazed longingly at the various chicken pieces in the warmer and my stomach growled again.

“You aren’t getting food from here,” it sounded like Ben was almost laughing at the thought of someone actually ordering food from Sev.

“Yes we are,” Cassie snapped at him. “If you don’t like it, then…well I don’t care if you don’t like it.”

“If you are hungry, I’ll talk you out for something better than this stuff.” Ben tried to slip his arm around Cassie again but she stepped away from him. “Come on babygirl, don’t be like that.”

Cassie spun around; glaring at him she told him she wasn’t his ‘babygirl’. “I told you I didn’t want to see you again and I meant it! Leave me alone!” She asked me for my keys and when I gave them to her, she ran out of Sev; Ben went after her.

“Umm,” I chuckled nervously at the guy behind the till as he watched Cassie leave with the bottle of Pepsi still in her hand. “I’m paying for that too.”

Since I didn’t know what she really wanted, I got some of everything; it was expensive but my bank account could handle it. As I made my way to the door, I saw that Ben was still trying to get Cassie to talk to him but from the sound coming from my car, she turned on the radio – on top volume – so she wouldn’t hear him.

“Anna!” He looked hopeful as I appeared by the car. “She won’t listen to me.”

“And there is nothing I can say that will make her listen to you right now Ben.” He started to say something but I stopped him. “Hounding Cassie right now when she’s mad at you won’t do you any good. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll call until then I suggest you give her some time.”

“You’ll talk to her though? Make her see that I didn’t mean it?”

I glanced at Cass who was watching us. Sighing, I told him that there wasn’t anything I could do to help him. “I’m only here for her, to help her. If she changes her mind and wants to talk to you, then ok but if she doesn’t…” I walked around to the driver’s side. “Bye Ben,” I said before I got into the car.

The entire drive to Jordan’s house, Cassie was quiet.

It wasn’t until we were seated in Jordan’s living room with our plates fill of food that she turned to me. “I don’t want to date Ben anymore,” she told me.

I opened my pop, “Why is that Cassie? I thought you liked Ben?” I lifted the bottle to my lips and took a sip.

“I did,” she told me. “But when I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him, he started to call me names.” I almost dropped my pop. “He told me that I would sleep with him, if I loved him and that if I didn’t, why was he wasting his time when there were so many chicks dying to be with him. I told him if that was the case then go find one of those chicks.” She stopped and looked at me, the tears building up in her eyes again. “I didn’t think he would do it Aunt Anna, we had that fight before but tonight he…”

Putting down my plate, I moved over to her as she continued. “I wasn’t supposed to go to his friend’s house tonight but Mira wanted to go. When I showed up, his friends tried to distract me as one of them backed out of the room. I pretended I didn’t notice and within a couple minutes his friend returned with Ben in tow.”

“Could he just have been hanging out with some other friends somewhere in the house and his buddy went to get him for you?”

Cassie laughed, “That’s what he tried to tell me but I know it wasn’t true! He had hickys on his neck Aunt Anna, right here!” She pointed to a spot just under her collar. “I sure as hell didn’t give them to him!”

An Offer She Didn't Want To Refuse

Silence. No talking, no laughing, no radio; just silence. That was my car after I picked Cassie up from the address she had given me. I tried to get her to talk, I asked her whose house it was because I didn’t recognize it but she didn’t say anything.

It wasn’t until I had pulled away from the curb and happened to see Ben running down the street after us that I managed to get some thing from her. “Don’t stop!” She told me frantically. “I don’t want to see him; I wish I never met him!”

“Did you two have a fight?” I turned onto Main Street, heading to the highway that would take us home. “What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she told me.

“Oh,” I didn’t push it because I knew if it was me, I probably wouldn’t want to talk about it either at that moment. Silence settled over the car again.

“Men are stupid!” Cassie snapped a couple minutes later. “Why is it that we even waste our time on them? I’m so done with men!”

A smiled played on my lips, I remembered many times when I muttered the same statement to one of my friends or to Mary but not even a week or so later, there was another guy that I thought was cute. Plus having male friends kind of didn’t help with the whole hating the entire male population thing.

“I mean really!” Cassie turned in her seat. “They are immature, petty, gross and probably the dumbest in the world.”

I nodded slowly. “And they are funny, cute, and…”

“Argh!” Cassie rolled her eyes at me. “You are missing the point! Why do we even care if we are with a guy or not? It doesn’t change who we are if we aren’t being used by a guy!”

I raised a brow at her. “Used? What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Cassie paused when she glanced out the front window. “Where are we going Aunt Anna?” She turned, wide eyed in my direction. “I don’t want to go home; please can we stay in town?”

“Ummm well…” I glanced at her. “Where did you want to go? To Chad’s?”

Cassie shook her head, “No I don’t want to go to uncle Chad’s! I want to hang out with you Aunt Anna but I don’t want to go home!”

“Where did you want to go?” I asked her and she shrugged her shoulders. I listed a couple places that we could go but they were all too public and she didn’t want to be around other people. “Well Cassie there isn’t anywhere else that we can go but home.”

“Fine,” Cassie said with a sigh. “Can you stop by Mira’s so I can grab my bag?”

“Sure.” I made a life hand turn at the next intersection and headed back towards town. Mira was one of Cassie’s closest friends; I found out later that she was supposed to be sleeping over at Mira’s house that night.

While I was waiting in the car for Cassie, Jordan called my cell. “Hey babe, how’s it going? How’s Cassie doing? Do I need to kick anyone’s ass?”

I smiled at the concern in Jordan’s voice, although it didn’t surprise me that he would be worried about Cassie, considering he thought of my family as his; like I did with his family. “It’s going ok,” I told him. “We are heading home, although Cass doesn’t want to go home; she wanted to hang out with me.”

“Of course she does,” he told me. “That was my plan tonight too but that didn’t work out.”

“Sorry about that,” I told him, thinking he was talking about me leaving because Cassie called me.

“Don’t worry about it,” he told me. “So what was wrong with…Jenna no! That’s daddy’s knife!” There was a little bit of static before I heard him again. “Sorry, Jenna thought it would be fun to put my steak knife into her mouth.”

“It’s ok,” I told him. “And I don’t really know what happened but I think Cass and Ben might have broken up.” I told him about Ben running after us and Cassie’s rant about the uselessness of men.

“I see,” was all he said.

“You see?” I frowned, “What do you see?” He didn’t answer me, he told me to hold on a minute and I heard Bella’s voice in the background. Cassie was coming down the walk when Jordan came back on the phone. “Listen,” I told him before he said anything. “I have to go, Cass is coming back.”

“Sure ok, I’ll talk to you later.” I was about to hang up when I heard him call out to me.

“Yeah?” I gave Cass a smile as she slumped in her seat.

“Do you still have your key? To my place?” He asked and when I said I did, he told me that if Cassie didn’t want to go home right away, we could go to his place and hang out. “She probably wants to talk to you without Zack or Mary butting in,” he told me.

“I don’t know Jordy…”

“Don’t argue,” he told me. “I have to go; I’ll see you two when I get home.” He hung up before I could tell him that we couldn’t be at his house.

When I got off the phone, Cass asked me what Jordan wanted, when I told her that he said we could go hang out at his place, she perked up. “Oh Aunt Anna that would be awesome! I don’t want to have to deal with everyone’s questions right now.” She leaned over and threw her arms around me. “You are the best!”

As I pulled away from Mira's house, I told her that we were calling her parents when we got to Jordan's. "And you are going to tell me everything that happened tonight."

Lines And Calls

I was silently cursing Jordan as we discussed what looked good on the menu. I couldn’t believe that he would actually try to set me up with Wade, of all people! Even if I wasn’t hoping to get back with Josh, I would never think about getting with Wade. Sure he was good looking but there was something about his attitude that I didn’t like. He irritated me, and not in a good way.

Bella leaned into Jordan, “What were we getting for appetizers baby?”

Jordan, who was reading the kids menu to Jenna, seemed a little surprised when he glanced around the table before his gaze rested on Bella. “I don’t know Bella, what do you want to get?”

“I thought we were all going to share something?” She frowned at him.

“Well we can,” Jordan smiled at her. “What looks good to you?”

“I don’t know,” Bella turned her attention back to the menu. “I was thinking that we could…” she glanced at him but his attention was back on Jenna, who was trying to take the menu from him so she could chew on it. “Jordan?”

Jenna was leaning over the high chair’s ‘table’ with her mouth open, intent on biting down on the corner of the menu. “That’s icky,” Jordan told her while he wiggled the menu, shaking her little body as he did so. “You don’t want that, do you?”

“Jordan?” Bella seemed a little ticked as she set her menu on the table.

“Yes?” He turned towards her again. “Did you decide what you wanted?”

“No,” she glared at him. “I was trying to get your input!”

Jordan gave her a look I knew so well, the ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ look; the look that he gave me many times when I asked him to grab me something from the kitchen when we were both sitting on the couch. I was expecting him to ask her if she was unable to make a decision for herself but he didn’t. Sighing softly, he placed his menu on the table and turned in his chair, his left hand slipped to her back. “Let’s see shall we?” He was reading her menu with her and Jenna took that moment to pull his menu to her, chewing down happily on the corner.

As they huddled together, deciding what Bella felt like having, Wade leaned closer to me. “Do you know what you are having?”

“Yes I do,” I told him.

“Care to tell me what we’ll be sharing?” He smiled, moving his chair closer to mine.

“You won’t like it,” Jordan cut in.

“How do you know?” Wade questioned him.

Jordan smiled, “Anna always has hot wings.”

Wade raised a brow, turned to me and asked. “So you like things spicy, do you?” His hand moved closer to mine, a finger reaching out to brush against the back of my hand.

“Oh lord,” I rolled my eyes at him. “That was beyond lame. Please tell me that is not the best line you can come up with?”

“Line?” His head jerked a little. “I don’t need to use lines.”

I laughed, “Well good for you. Now if you would realize that I’m not interested, this would be less embarrassing for you.”

“You like being difficult?” He asked me with a knowing grin on his face; I wanted to slap it off, he didn’t know a damn thing about me.

“I’m not difficult; you just don’t have anything that interests me.”

“Oh?” Wade smiled as he moved closer still, slipping his arm around the back of my chair. “How do you know? I may be the most interesting guy you’ll ever meet.”

“I doubt it,” I turned back to my menu. “You aren’t Josh.”

He didn’t say anything as he turned back to his menu.

Soon the waitress came to take our order. Once she was gone silence settled over the table. It was probably the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been at a restaurant. Bella didn’t seem to want to talk to anyone but Jordan but Jordan was trying to keep Jenna entertained and that seemed to annoy her. I almost got the feeling that she resented the time and attention that he gave his daughter. And if he happened to say anything to me, I would get the dirtiest looks from her.

I was very grateful when my cell rang.

“Aunt Anna?” It was Cassie, she was crying.

I jumped up from the table. “Cass? Honey what’s wrong?”

“Can you…” she sobbed but I didn’t hear the rest of what she said.

“I’m sorry Cass; I didn’t get that last part.”

She took a breath and said it again, “Can you come and get me?”

I was pacing a little at this point, Jordan was watching me with a concerned looked on his face. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.

“Just come and get me, please?” She begged through her tears.

“Of course. Where are you?” She told me she was at a friend’s house and quickly gave me the directions there. “I’ll be right there,” I told her and hung up.

“I have to go,” I said to no one in particular. Jordan was asking me what was wrong with Cassie as I looked around for the waitress to cancel my order. “Where is that waitress?” I couldn’t see her anywhere. “Oh forget about it!” I snapped, pulling out my wallet. “I’ll just…” I didn’t have any cash on me. “Damn it!”

“Anna!” Jordan was standing in front of me, when he said my name; he grabbed hold of my arms to stop me from moving. “What’s wrong with Cassie? Is she hurt?”

I stared at him, I forgot for a moment where I was. “I don’t know,” I told him. “She was crying, she wouldn’t tell me anything. She wants me to go get her.” I shook free of his hands. “I have to go.”

The waitress came at that moment with the appetizers. “Is everything ok?”

“No, I have to go. I need to cancel my order.” The waitress glanced towards the kitchen with this ‘I’m not sure what to do’ look on her face. She started to say something but Jordan stopped her.

“Don’t worry about the order, just make it.” He turned to me. “Go see what’s up with Cass, make sure she’s ok. I’ll get your order to go and you can pick it up later.”

“But I…” I stared down at the wallet that was open in my hand.

“Don’t worry about it,” he told me. “I’ll get it.” He turned me around so I was facing the door. “Go make sure Cass is ok.” I nodded and started to walk away when he called out to me, I turned around to look at him. “Call me, let me know, ok?”

Babies And Food

Josh called me later that night to tell me that Carol had delivered a healthy baby boy. “Jess was so excited to see his little brother; he tried to give the baby Mister Bear but realized that he would miss him when we went to leave. I promised him that we would go tomorrow to buy something for his brother.” Even though Josh tried not to let it show, I got the feeling that seeing Carol with a new baby made him wish he was a dad again.

Of course when I asked him about it, he denied it. “I don’t want to be a dad to anymore of her children!”

“Josh,” I said calmly. “I didn’t say you want to have more children with her, I just simply asked if you looked at the baby and wished that you were a dad again.”

“Oh, it sounded like you meant that I wanted to be Niles dad,” he made a face when he said the baby’s name. “Of course I want to be a dad again Anna; you know that I want more children. Yes I was a little jealous that Carol was holding her new baby in her arms; I wished so many times that it was you holding our…” he trailed off as he seemed to realize what he was saying. “But it’s not so there’s no point in thinking about that right now, I guess.”

“One day you’ll be a dad again Josh.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I’m going to be such an old dad!” He chuckled. “I may not be able to play with any other kids by the time I become a dad again!”

I laughed, “Yes you will Josh, and you aren’t old.”

“I’m 32 Anna! I’ll soon be 33,” he groaned. “I feel older sometimes.”

“Oh hell I feel old some times too! And 32 isn’t old!”

“You are just bias,” he said jokingly.

“Maybe I am but I’m not the only one who thinks that you aren’t old.” When he just laughed, I told him that there were many women around him who would give anything to have just one night with him. He chuckled once again. “I’m serious Josh!”

He was quiet for a brief moment. “You know you have nothing to worry about, right?” When I didn’t say anything right away he told me that I had nothing to worry about. “If I wasn’t interested in anyone else before, why would I be now?”

I shrugged, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “I don’t know Josh but one thing I’ve learnt, is not to take anything for granted.”

We talked for a little after that but soon the lack of sleep on both of our parts was catching up with us.

The next day, I couldn’t wait to get off work. I was both excited and a little weary about Jordan’s invitation to dinner; it seemed a little fishy.

Jordan had just pulled up as I got out of my car so I went over to see if he needed a hand with Jenna. “Hey,” he smiled at me as he opened the back door of his truck. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to stand us up or not!”

“When have I ever stood you up Jordan?” I asked as I grabbed the diaper bag he held up to me.

“Come on baby, are you hungry? Do you want to go and make a big mess on the clean restaurant floor?” Jenna giggled. “That’s what I thought!” Jordan pulled her from her car seat, gave her a kiss and then turned towards me. “I can think of a time or two where you stood me up.”

“Hmmm,” I shook my head. “But I’m sure you weren’t worried, since I’m always around.” I don’t know why I said that, well I guess I was a little upset by what Logan told me; not because it was Jordan’s excuse to not ask me out but because it seemed to be that he was taking me for granted back then. And had that really changed all that much since?

“Hey now,” Jordan grabbed my arm as I went to turn. “I get the feeling that was supposed to be a dig at me,” he frowned. “What did I do now?”

I sighed, “It’s nothing Jordan. I just found out about something you said about me a while ago and I didn’t like it too much. Let’s go inside.” I went to turn again.

“Wait a minute,” his hand was on my arm again. “So are you mad at me about it? Or are you just bugged about it?” He bounced Jenna as he gave me a worried look. “Whatever it is, please tell me, I don’t think I could handle knowing you were mad at me again. The last time it almost cost me our friendship!”

“We should get inside,” I told him but he told me the restaurant isn’t going anywhere. I sighed, “I went to see Brandy and Logan a couple days ago,” I told him and he nodded. “Well I was filling Brandy in on everything that happened in the last little while and Logan was there, half paying attention. We were talking about you,” he raised a brow. “And Logan jumped in; he wanted to know what we were talking about. When I told him, he seemed relieved because he thought that we were talking about you and me together….”

Jordan looked totally confused, “Why would he think that?”

“It doesn’t matter why he thought that, when I told him that we most definitely weren’t together he said it was a good thing because he didn’t like the attitude that you had towards me when we were in high school.”

I was watching his reaction to see if he knew what Logan was talking about and by the way he started to turn red, it was apparent that he did. “So I guess it was true then? You were a cocky bastard who didn’t bother to take a chance on me when you could’ve?”

Jordan nodded, “Yeah I was.”

“Huh,” I scoffed. “And here I thought I was so good at hiding my little crush on you!”

“Yeah, you sucked at it.”

“Shut up,” I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed. “Let’s go eat, jerk.”

I walked into the restaurant before Jordan did so I stopped to wait for someone to come seat us. “What are you doing?” He asked me, “Our table is this way.”

“What? We just got here Jordan,” I frowned as I followed him. “How do you know where…oh hell no!”

Wade smiled at me as he stood. “Hello Anna.”

I turned to Jordan who was in the middle of strapping Jenna into the highchair that was waiting for her. “Why do you hate me?” I asked him.

Bella rolled her eyes, “Oh Anna really?” She glanced at Jordan, “I told you this wasn’t a good idea.”

Once Jordan had finished with Jenna, he turned to me. “I don’t hate you and you know it!” He glanced at Bella, “And this has to be a good idea because I’m sick and tired of not being able to hang out with Anna and you without feeling like I’m committing some crime! You two were friends, so act like it!” After his little outburst, Jordan calmly sat down. “So did you all want to get some appetizers and share? Or what?”

I couldn’t help but laugh when Bella and I said, “Whatever you want Jordan,” at the same time.

Behind his menu, I could see the smile on Jordy’s face. “Good, we’ll order some and share then.”

Giving Me Hope That It'll Work

The entire time that I was in the car with Jess, he went back and forth between talking about going to his dad’s, being a big brother and wanting nuggets. “Ama?” Jess was looking straight at me when I glanced in the mirror. When I asked him what, he asked me if he could bring nuggets back for the baby.

I smiled, “Sorry Jess the baby is only going to want milk for a couple months, and then mommy will start the baby on food designed for babies.”

“Oh,” he frowned and then asked me if ‘Baby’ eats baby food.

“You mean Jenna?” He nodded and repeated ‘Baby’. “No Jess, Jenna eats the same food as you do! Remember the day of your party?”

“Oh yeah!” He giggled and then asked me if I was having a baby with daddy. “I good brother!”

I smiled at him, told him that we wouldn’t be having a baby any time soon but inside I was wondering if that moment would ever come for us.

Thankfully Jesse didn’t have too much time to ask any more questions, we had pulled into the parking lot of McDonalds and the first car he saw belonged to his dad. “I see daddy car Ama!” He said when I parked along side Josh’s car.

I walked into McDonalds with Jesse in my arms and headed for the front counter; I was almost there when I felt a hand on my arm, I turned to see Josh standing beside me. “I got us a seat over there,” he pointed to the back corner. “If you want to go sit down…” he trailed off as he glanced at the front counter. “I already got ketchup, straws and stuff,” he told me as he walked towards the counter.

Ok, I thought as I went to the table Josh pointed out. I guess I’ll just order my food when he gets back from getting theirs. I placed Jess on the bench and removed his jacket before I removed mine and sat next to him like he asked me too.

“Red stuff!” Jesse exclaimed as he reached for two of the little cups of ketchup Josh had on the table.

“No Jess,” I stopped him from grabbing them. “Let’s wait for your dad, ok?”

Jess looked at me like I told him Mister Bear ran away. “I want red stuff Ama,” he went to grab for them again and once again I stopped him.

“Wait for your dad,” I repeated and he plopped down in the bench and pouted. “Don’t do that,” I told him, he stuck his bottom lip out more and lowered his head. “Jess your dad is -”

“Here we go,” Josh slid a tray fill of food onto the table as he sat down across from me. “What’s wrong with him?” He asked, pausing in mid motion as he went to grab the kids meal bag to give to Jess.

I explained what happened just how with the ketchup and Josh shook his head. “Come on Jesse,” he reached into the bag and pulled out Jess’ nuggets, handing them to me. “Look what Anna got for you.”

Slowly Jess turned towards me, when he saw the nuggets a smile appeared on his face. “Jesse nuggets Ama?” He looked so hopeful that I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Of course,” I told him as I opened the bag and placed them in front of him. “And look,” Josh handed me fries for Jess. “You get fries too!”

“Yay!” He clapped his hands together and then went to pick up a fry; his smile wavered as he glanced at me. “Red stuff Ama?” I told him he could have it now as I slid two little cups closer to him. “Thanks,” he said, dipping his fry into the ketchup.

Once Jess was eating, I went to get up but stopped when Josh asked me where I was going. “Did I forget something?” He asked, motioning towards the box that I didn’t see him place in front of me. “You did want the Big Xtra, right?”

Maybe it was silly but I couldn’t help but smile like a complete fool when I realized that he not only ordered food for himself and Jess, he also ordered for me. “I didn’t realize…I mean…” I shook my head. “Thank you Josh.”

“No problem,” he told me and then added, “I figured that you two were just as hungry as I was so when I got here and you weren’t here, I just ordered for us.” He popped a fry into his mouth and then smiled, “The timing was pretty good too.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything as I started on my fries. While I eat, I tried not to ‘watch’ Josh as he sat across from me but when I noticed the whistle still around his neck, I frowned. “Were you still working?” I asked, noticing that he was still wearing the school t-shirt and zippered hoodie that he always wore while working.

He nodded. “I had just walked into my office when you called,” he told me as he took a sip of his pop. “Why do you ask?”

“Well,” I reached across the table, my finger hooking under the rope the whistle hung from. “You normally don’t wear this outside the school,” I told him with a smile.

“What?” He looked down and groaned. “I knew I was forgetting something when I left,” he went to take off the whistle but stopped, chuckling. “I have no where to put it if I take it off and…” he glanced at Jess who was no longer eating his nuggets and fries but trying to crawl up on the table, his eyes focused on the whistle. “Jesse sit down and finish your nuggets.”

“Daddy?” Jess pointed to the whistle and then held his hand out flat. “I play?”

Josh told him he couldn’t play with the whistle while they were inside. “But if you eat all your supper, then I might let you hold onto it when we get in the car.”

I raised a brow at Josh, knowing full well that Jess would try to blow in it if he had it in his hands. Josh met my gaze and smiled at me. “I know.” Then he changed the subject to ask me how I ended up with Jess. “I’ve been trying to figure that one out,” he told me. “But I’m confused. Did Carol call you?”

I shook my head, “I ran into Carol and Jess at work, they were shopping for…damn!” I held up on arm and glanced at my watch, it was almost 8. “I have to go back to work when I leave here,” I told him. “Carol asked me to pick up something for her,” when Josh gave me a confused look once again, I told him everything that happened. “So I made a couple promises to her, one I already did but the other…” I smiled at him and then laughed. “I never thought I would ever be doing her any favors.”

Josh agreed with me. “But it doesn’t surprise me,” he told me with a smile. “I believe you would do anything for anyone if they only asked, it doesn’t matter if they are your friends or not. You are just that nice.”

I laughed, “Or just that crazy!”

“No,” Josh shook his head. “You care about people, it’s one of the reasons I love you.”

“Josh,” I sighed.

“Anna,” he reached across the table to slip his hand around mine. “I’m sorry for my behavior this morning, I was being stupid, I knew you didn’t call because you thought I would be sleeping but I still…” he sighed. “I acted like a kid…”

I sighed, “You aren’t the only one guilty of doing that today,” I told him and then explained how I thought he was ignoring my calls because he was upset that I didn’t call him the night before.

“I wouldn’t do that,” he told me in a ‘no nonsense’ tone.

“I know that,” I told him. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

Silence settled over our table as I met his gaze.

I felt Jesse’s hand on my arm as he pulled himself up onto his feet next to me. “I sorry.”

Josh and I turned towards him. “What are you sorry about?” I asked him.

“I no?” He shrugged and then smiled when Josh and I laughed at him.

When we finished our meals, Josh and Jess walked me to my car. “I’m going to take Jesse to the hospital to see if Carol had the baby yet,” he told me as he held my car door opened.

“Oh ok,” I smiled at him. “I’m going to go finish my shopping and probably head home,” I laughed. “I think Mary must be wondering where I am with the stuff she wanted me to pick up for her.” I went to get into my car but hesitated. “Will you let me know how it goes?” Josh nodded. “Ok,” I turned my attention to Jess. “Have fun with daddy,” I told him, stretching up to kiss his cheek. “Tell the baby I said ‘hi’.”

“Otay Ama.”

I went to turn towards my car again but this time Josh stopped me. Before I realized what he was doing, he leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for everything.”

I drove away from McDonalds that night feeling really happy with the way things turned out and excited about exploring ‘friendship’ with Josh.

Do You Promise A Pregnant Woman? Ever?

If anyone would’ve told me that morning when I woke up that I would be driving Josh’s ex-wife to the hospital after her water broke while shopping at Wal-Mart, I would’ve told them to lay off the really cheap drugs. But that’s the position I found myself in not even five minutes after Carol returned from the bathroom.

“So umm…” I had no idea what to say as I pulled out of the parking lot. What do you say to someone who you never thought you would ever actually talk too, let alone be driving them anywhere?

Luckily for me, Carol was a little preoccupied with the breathing and the labor pains to really expect me to talk to her. “My phone,” she said in between breathing and contractions. “I have to call Phil!”

I had no idea where I threw her purse in my haste to get both Carol and Jess into my car, all I remember is jokingly asking her not to have her baby in my car and she actually laughed at that. “Don’t worry,” she told me. “I’m not about to have this baby anywhere but in the delivery room!”

“Just use mine,” I grabbed it from my center console and held it out to her.

Carol took my phone without hesitation and punched in Phil’s number, after listening for a moment, she looked like she wanted to toss the phone. “No don’t answer your phone you jackass, I’m only having your baby while you bang the flavor of this week!” She snapped my phone closed, her eyes meeting mine for a moment before she looked away.

There are so many questions I wanted to ask her at that moment but I didn’t, I knew already how mean women in labor could be – Mary threatened Zack with castration when she was in labor with Natalie, I think if we would’ve left her alone, she would’ve done it too.

“The baby is past due,” she told me. “I was supposed to be induced tomorrow.” She glanced at me. “I never had half as many problems with Jesse as I did with this one and Jesse even tried to come a couple weeks early!”

I glanced in the rear view mirror at Jesse who was holding Mister Bear like you would a baby. When he saw me looking in the mirror at him, he smiled and told me he was going to be a good big brother, “like daddy.”

Carol laughed, “Everything with Jesse is ‘like daddy’ lately and Phil hates it.” Carol sighed and then asked me to promise her something.

“Like what?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to promise her anything at all.

“When I go into the delivery room, I want you to take Jesse and bring him to Josh; I don’t want him to go home with Phil at all.” When I gave her a confused look, she told me that Phil wouldn’t have time to watch Jesse, “And frankly, I think he would be happier with Josh. Promise me you’ll make sure he goes to Josh.”

“Of course,” I told her I would make sure that he did.

"And one other thing," she looked around but couldn't find what she was looking for. "When you tried my purse, there's a Wal-Mart Pooh gift card in my wallet, it's Jesse's 'gift' from my sister." She glanced at Jess, "Buy him the 2pc cord set that we were looking at when you saw us, please?" I told her I would. "Thank you," she smiled through the pain of the next contraction.

We got to the hospital and I ran to get someone to help me get Carol out of my car, once we were in the building, they took Carol off to the maternity wing while I was left standing in the lobby with Jesse, filling out the hospital forms for her.

“We go see mommy?” Jesse asked me as I finished the last bit of paperwork. I glanced at the lady behind the desk and she told me she would call someone to see if Carol was in the delivery room already.

“She is,” the lady told me when she hung up the phone. “You can go and wait in the waiting room,” she gave me the directions and I started to head down there but changed my mind when I saw the exit door. “Before we go wait for mommy, I think we should call your daddy so that he knows where to come and get you.”

“I go daddy?” Jesse’s little eyes widened in surprise. “Yay!” He started to bounce in my arms. “I go daddy!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at him as we walked outside to call Josh but he laughed too, so it didn’t seem so bad.

First I tried Josh’s cell but when the voice mail picked up, I thought maybe he was at home but when I called there, I got his voice mail too. Sighing, I left a message on his home phone to call me on my cell the second he got the message. And then to be sure that he got the message, I called his cell phone again and left the same message there.

Then because I was in the mood to call someone to tell them that Carol was in labor, I scanned my recent outgoing numbers and tried calling Phil and as luck (I guess) would have it, he picked up on the second ring.

“Don’t have time to explain it all,” I said quickly and then told him that Carol was in the hospital having the baby.

“Right now?” He seemed a little shocked.

“Yes, right now!”

“I’ll be right there!” He said and hung up on me.

Five minutes later, Jess and I were seated in the waiting room when I saw Phil go flying past the door.

Thirty minutes later, we were still seated there and no one could tell me if Carol was still in labor or if the baby was here. “Hey do you want to go call your daddy again?” Jesse nodded and we made our way down to the exit again.

There was still no answer when I called Josh; once again I left him messages to call me the moment he gets the messages, “it’s really, really important,” I said at the end of the message.

We went back inside and sat down.

An hour later, there was still no word from anyone. “Ama,” Jesse tugged at my arm as I heard his stomach growl. Glancing at the time I was shocked to see it was almost 7.

Where the hell is Josh? I wondered and then I had this messed up thought that he was avoiding returning my call because I didn’t call him back right away the night before. He wouldn’t be that childish, would he?

“Ama?” Jesse was trying to get up with me now.

I told him I would take him to get something to eat. On my way out, I stopped at the nurses’ station and told them where we were going and gave them my number to call if Carol had the baby before I got back.

Once Jess and I were in my car, I dialed Josh’s cell again – this time I got an answer. “What the hell?” I snapped at him.

“What?” He asked.

“I called…you know what, never mind it doesn’t matter all that matters is…”

“Ama, Jesse want nuggets!”

“…you are there…”

“Was that Jesse? What are you doing with Jesse? Where are Carol and Phil?”

“…and I guess it doesn’t matter what I was…”

“Anna! Where are Carol and Phil?” Josh sounded like he was freaking out just a little.

“They are at the hospital, trying to have their baby and I have your baby sitting in the back seat of my car telling me that he wants nuggets because he’s starving.”

“Meet me at McDonalds."

Caught In The Twilight Zone

“Hey babe it’s me, give me a call when you get this message ok?”

That was the message waiting on my cell when I got off work that day. I really didn’t want to call Jordan back; I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. But it turned out I didn’t have to call him back, he called me not even ten minutes after I clocked out, I was still in the store because I had some shopping to do.

“Hey!” Jordan seemed surprised when I answered my phone. He asked me how I was, I told him I was ok and asked him what was up. “Well,” he said slowly, drawing out the word much more than he really needed too. “I was wondering if you would like to have supper with me tomorrow night.”

“Don’t you have Jenna tomorrow?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hang out with Jordan just yet, there was some thing about what Logan told me while I was there that didn’t sit too well with me and I knew that was stupid.

“Yeah, I do but I figured that you wouldn’t mind if she was there with us.” He paused, “Was I wrong?”

“No,” I told him. “I just…” I sighed and then asked him what time. We made plans to meet at Moxie’s around seven the following night. “Was there any special reason you wanted me to go to dinner with you?”

“No,” he said quickly. “I just haven’t really hung out with you lately; I thought this would be a good way to catch up.”

“Ok.” As we said bye I remembered that Mike had asked me to drop some thing off to Nick for him, so as soon as I hung up with Jordan, I called Nick.

“Sorry Anna,” Amy said with a yawn. “Nick is still at work; he’s working until 8 tonight. Was there something you needed him for?”

“No,” I told her that I just wanted to see how things were going. “You sound really tired Amy, is everything ok with you?”

“Yes,” she said with a little sigh. “I just haven’t been sleeping all that well these last couple nights.”

“Oh? You just can’t get comfortable?”

She started to tell me how she couldn’t get comfortable in her bed when there was a second of dead air. “Oh!” She cried out in surprise. “Nick is trying to call me, I have to go.”

“Ok, tell Nick I have to talk to him later.” I told her before she quickly said ‘bye’ and hung up the phone.

I spent another ten minutes walking around shopping when I decided to give Mary a call to see if they needed anything at home. “Oh yes,” Mary said when I asked her and there was a moment of rustling before I heard her voice come back on the line. She gave me a list of about 20 things that they needed and added, “If you don’t mind picking that up for us.” I didn’t mind, my brother was letting me stay there for free and his only requests were for me to help Mary out whenever she needed it and if I wanted stuff that they normally don’t buy, to buy it myself.

The list that Mary gave me only took me about ten more minutes to find and add to my cart. I was about to head to the check out when I remembered that I forgot to grab my water bottle from the horseshoe; if I left it there it would be in the garbage by the time I got in the next morning.

I was heading back out of Infants when I heard a familiar giggle followed by, “Mommy I have ‘Piderman?” I turned to my right and spotted Jesse sitting in a cart with Mister Bear in his arm as he reached out of the cart and grabbed onto the Spiderman t-shirts that were hanging off to his side.

“Let me see,” Carol turned around and glanced at the shirt that Jesse held. “Honey you already have that shirt, why don’t you pick some thing else out? How about…” She scanned the racks around her and pulled out a 2pc set: blue cords with a blue and white striped button up shirt. “This would look so cute on you Jesse,” she held it up to him and smiled.

“I no want that one mommy,” Jesse pouted.

“No?” Carol put the 2pc back. “Then what would you like?”

“I want…” Jesse held his finger up to his chin, tapping it as if he was thinking really hard. “This one mommy,” he reached out and grabbed the 2pc that Carol just put back.

“Oh!” Carol raised a brow. “This would look so cute on you,” she said once again. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it,” she said with a laugh.

Jesse shrugged his shoulders and held up his hands, “I no mommy,” he shook his head and giggled. And then he saw me. “AMA!”

Carol stiffened a little as she turned in the direction Jesse was pointing and saw me standing there watching them. I thought she was going to walk away with Jess but she gave me a weary smile and said hello.

“Ama look!” He held up the 2pc that Carol had showed him earlier. “Mommy say it for Jesse birday.”

“Wow,” I stepped closer to them and smiled at him. “I bet you’ll look so handsome in that Jesse.”

“Hansome like daddy?” He inquired, when I said yes, just like his daddy, he turned to his mom. “I go daddy now?”

“No Jesse,” Carol brushed his hair back from his forehead. “Daddy is working; you’ll get to see him tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Jesse turned to me. “Ama see daddy?”

“Actually,” I leaned in closer to him. “I was talking to your daddy earlier; he told me he can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“Excuse me for a minute,” Carol cut in quickly and with her hand on her belly she made her way towards the bathrooms by layaway.

I didn’t think anything of it; I continued to talk to Jesse. When Carol came back out a couple minutes later she looked really pale. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.

Slowly she turned towards me, “My water broke.”

I Don't Want To Fight

I had planned on calling Josh when I woke up in the morning but I slept in and arrived at work ten minutes late. By the time that I got my first break, it was almost ten and he would be in the middle of class, so I told myself I would call him on my lunch break.

When lunch came, I went into the back to grab my cell and clock out. While I walked through the doors and back into the sales floor, I flipped open my cell and went to dial his cell number.

“So it’s just me that can’t get you to call back?”

“What?” My head snapped up. “Josh?” I stared at him for a second and then glanced down at my phone. “I was just going to call you,” I told him and turned my phone around so he could see his number on my screen.

He barely glanced at the screen, he didn’t look too happy standing there with his arms folded over his chest. “Because calling me when you got home was too much of a hassle?”

My eyes narrowed, I went to ask him what he was talking about but changed my mind. “No because it was almost one when I got the message from Cassie and you would’ve been sleeping.”

“I wasn’t, I was waiting for you to call.”

“How was I…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “Was there anything wrong?”

“No,” he snapped at me and then told me to forget about it as he turned to leave.

“Josh!” I grabbed his arm, stopping him. “What’s going on with you? I didn’t call when I got home because I didn’t think you would be awake and I slept in this morning so I didn’t have time to call you before I started work. But what does it matter?” I tried to read his expression as I spoke but he just seemed to be so upset with me.

“What does it matter?” He repeated as he stared down at me. “Oh I don’t know, maybe I was worried about you when you didn’t get home when you said you would and you weren’t answering your cell!”

“Why are you checking up on me?”

“What?” He frowned. “I’m not checking up on you!”

“No?” I crossed my arms over my chest, shaking my head. “How many times did you call Zack’s? How many times did you call my cell? Why are you here right now?”

“I’m not checking up on you!” He snapped for the second time in ten minutes.

“Of course you aren’t!” I dropped my arms. ‘What was I thinking? It’s completely normal for someone who wants to just be friends to act like a jealous lover!”

When Josh started to turn red and stumble over his words, I sighed. “You think this is easy for me Anna?” His tone had changed, he didn’t sound so angry any more.

“No Josh I don’t think it’s easy for you,” I paused and then told him this was what he wanted. “You can’t have it both ways Josh, you can’t get there and treat me like a friend only to act like my boyfriend; it’s confusing.”

“I just wanted to know that you got home safely Anna, I just can’t turn off my feelings for you.”

“I know,” I took a deep breath and gazed up at him. “But if you want to just be friends you have to take a step back and give me some room.”

“How much room do you need?” I didn’t answer him. “Anna?” He came closer to me, “How much space?”

I gazed up into his eyes and I couldn’t help myself, he was so close to me. Lifting my hands to his chest, I stood on the tip of my toes to press a kiss against his lips. “There will never be enough space between us for me to be ok with just being your friend.”

“Anna,” my name was a mere whisper on his lips as his hands closed around my waist, holding me against his body. “I love you,” he told me, his mouth capturing mine for one of his mind blowing, knee melting kisses.

At first I was thrilled that he was kissing me. He loves me! I thought and then remembered that he never denied loving me, he just doesn’t feel that he can trust you. With all the strength I had, I pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him away from me. “No Josh,” I stared up at his surprised look and I wanted to say ‘screw it’ and go back to kissing him but I couldn’t; I wanted his trust more than anything else in the world at that moment.

“What’s wrong?” His eyes scanned my face for some clue to what I was thinking. “I thought you were enjoying our kiss as much as I was.”

“I was,” I told him, I wasn’t about to deny that. “But Josh I want more, I want you to be able to trust me like you used too.” Josh glanced down at the floor for a second and then back at me, he didn’t have to say anything, I could see what he was thinking. “I don’t think that you are there yet and as much as it kills me, I don’t think that we should kiss or anything else until you are.” I mumbled something about having to get something to eat before I turned from him.

“Anna,” Josh grabbed my arm but I didn’t turn back to him. We stood there like that for a while, Josh with his hand on my arm, looking down at me and me trying hard not to look back at him. “I’m working on it,” he leaned down, kissed my cheek and then he released me. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

'Girl' Talk Part Two

I had a blast with Brandy and the girls the next day while Logan was at work. The girls wanted to play dress up and put on a fashion show for us while we sat on the couch and acted like judges, scoring them on their smiles, original clothing concept and their ‘walk’. In the end it didn’t matter what the ‘score’ was both girls got a treat for their hard work.

I had planned on leaving Brandy’s around seven because I didn’t want to be driving really late but things didn’t end up that way. While I sat in the kitchen with Brandy as she made supper, my cell phone rang. At first I didn’t recognize the number, I said it out loud and Brandy spun around to stare at me. “Mike?” She raised a brow. “How did Mike know you were in town?”

“Mike?” I jumped out of my chair and answered the phone as Brandy laughed at me. “Mike!” I squealed into the phone. “How are you doing?”

“I’m hurt,” came his sad reply.

I sat down again really worried about what he would say. “What’s wrong Mike?”

“Well,” he let out a shaky breath and sighed. “I thought that I was important; I thought that you loved me but no! I had to find out from Nick that you were in town! And you weren’t even planning on coming to see your favorite guy.”

“Mike!” I rolled my eyes. “Of course I wanted to see you but there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to give you the attention you deserve.” I was totally kissing his ass and he knew it, he called me on it. “Ok,” I laughed. “I knew if I saw you I wouldn’t want to leave town at all,” I lowered my voice and whispered. “Mikey you know you make me do things I wouldn’t normally do.”

“Your flirty ways are useless on me,” he told me with a laugh and then asked if I would meet with him for a couple minutes before taking off. When I promised him I would, we said bye and hung up.

Shaking my head, I glanced up at Brandy who was giving me a funny look. “What?”

“Forget Nick,” she said knowingly. “If that man wasn’t gay, you would be all over him in a heartbeat; Josh wouldn’t stand a chance.”

I smiled, “But Mike is gay and Josh has nothing to worry about!”

“Unless Mike is chasing him, then he would have something to worry about.”

“It’s funny that you should mention that,” I told Brandy and then went on to tell her about the Christmas party and Mike’s reaction to Josh. “I think if Josh wasn’t straight, Mike would’ve been all over him!”

After supper was done and all the dishes were back in their proper places, I said bye to everyone and headed over to Mike’s.

Mike lived on the opposite side of town from Brandy but it was closer to the highway that I needed to get on to go home so I was actually happy that he wanted to see me before I left town.

I was about to get in the elevator to go up to Mike’s apartment when I spotted Eric coming down the hall. “Hold the elevator please!” He called out while he attempted to keep all the bags he was carrying in his hands. “Thank you,” he flashed me a smile as the doors closed behind him. He asked me to hit the button for his floor at the same time he realized that it was already pressed. “Oh!” He looked at me, there was a hint of recognition in his eyes but by his next question, I knew he didn’t remember me. “You live in the building?”

“Eric,” I chuckled softly. “I’m Anna,” he frowned. “Jordan’s best friend?”

“OH!” Eric looked a little embarrassed that he didn’t remember that. “I’m sorry, I knew I recognized you but I didn’t…” he trailed off. “Mike invited you over?” He seemed a little annoyed.

“Yes, just for a couple minutes. I’m actually on my way back home, I was visiting Brandy.” The elevator doors opened which saved Eric from having to respond to me. “Did you want some help?” I nodded towards the bags he was carrying.

“Yes,” he handed me a few and then stepped off the elevator.

As I followed Eric down the hall towards the apartment I tried to carry on a conversation with him but he was very quiet, only saying enough to answer my questions; I got the distinct feeling that he wasn’t too happy that I was there. Soon he stopped in front of the apartment door and lifted his key up only to have the door swing open.

“An – oh, Eric, hello.” Mike’s smile disappeared for a brief moment before he saw me. “Anna!” he pushed past Eric and swept me up in his arms, squeezing me tight.

When Mike hugged me, Eric disappeared into the apartment without a word but he did give Mike a dirty look. “Mike?”

“How are you doing?” He stepped back and looked down at me. “You look good.”

“I’m great,” I told him a little distracted by Eric’s behavior. “How about you? Is everything going alright?”

Mike glanced over his shoulder towards his apartment. “Every thing is good,” he told me slowly. “Eric’s probably mad because I promised him that tonight we would take some time for us,” he raked his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I’ve been so busy at work, I barely see him and…” Mike shrugged. “But what was I supposed to do? I never see you and you were leaving tonight!”

“Mike!” I slapped him on the arm. “You were supposed to keep your promise to Eric!” I shook my head, “Men! Seriously!”

“I totally agree with you Anna.” I glanced over Mike’s shoulder to see Eric leaning against the door with his arms folded, glaring at Mike.

“I should go,” I started to turn when Eric told me that I didn’t have to go. “Are you sure?” I asked him, ignoring Mike telling me that he wanted me to come in for a couple minutes.

I ended up spending a couple hours with Mike and Eric; I didn’t even realize the time was flying as we sat in their living room. I like to blame it on Mike because he was the one who brought up Jenna and wanted to know if I had a picture of her. “I know Jordy says she looks like he did when he was a kid but I have to believe she’s cuter than that!”

“I just have my camera,” I told him as I pulled it out of my bag. “I have some pictures of Jenna with Jess at his party last Saturday,” I told them as I scanned through the memory and found one. “Here,” I handed Mike the camera.

“Oh wow,” Mike smiled down at the picture of Jenna. “She does look like Jordy did,” he looked up at me. “And you say the little boy is Jess?” I nodded and Mike looked back at the picture again. “Cute kid, looks like his dad. And speaking of his dad,” Mike pressed the forward button on the camera until he came to a picture of Josh with Jess. “How is he? Still pretty hot, I see.”

I laughed and took my camera away from him. “Yes, he’s still really hot.”

“Are you two back together?” He asked me and then told me that he couldn’t believe it when Nick told him what Jordan did.

“No,” I sighed and then told him the whole story. When I was done both Mike and Eric were giving me pity looks. “Don’t do that! I know I have a lot of work to do but I’m confident that Josh and I will get back together! We have too!”

They both told me that they hoped it happened and then they started to give me some ‘pointers’ on getting a guy and one of those little pieces of advice was to play hard to get. When I told them I wasn’t going to be playing any games when it came to Josh, they looked disappointed.

It was almost nine when I left their place, I wasn’t looking forward to the three hour drive home and if I didn’t have to work in the morning, I probably would’ve taken them up on the offer to spend the night in their guest room.

I was dead tired when I walked through the basement door of Zack’s house just after midnight that night. I went straight to my room, dropped my stuff on the floor and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When I got back to my room, I saw a note on my whiteboard from Cassie that told me to call Josh when I got home; ‘Coach Baker called – sounded worried – call him when you get in. Love Cass.’

“I’ll call him tomorrow,” I said out loud before falling onto my bed.

Girl Talk

“I never did understand why everyone thought Jordan was so perfect for you,” Brandy said out of the blue. It was later in the night, the kids were asleep and we were all seated in the living room watching some haunted house show. I managed to snap out of the TV daze I was in and shoot her a confused look. “I mean, I love Jordan; he’s a great guy but I don’t see why people tried to push the two of you together.”

I shrugged, “Probably because we’ve been friends forever and we got along really well?” I never really got there and thought about it any further than that.

Brandy shook her head, “But it was the same way with Nick! Why would Jordan be perfect for you and not Nick?”

“Because Nick was obsessed with Amy?” I offered.

“So if Nick wasn’t seeing someone, everyone would think that he was just a ‘perfect’ for you as Jordan?” Brandy turned to me with a smile on her face. “If you had to choose between the two of them, who would you spend a night with?”

“Brandy!” I made a face at her. “I don’t wish to spend the night with either of them!”

“Well neither do I! But I know who I would pick if we were all single and into each other!” Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Logan sitting up straighter in his chair when Brandy said that. “Come on Anna,” Brandy grabbed my hand. “Tell me! Would it be Nicky or Jordan?”

“Brandy I can’t pick between the two of them…” I trailed off then she started to giggle. “What?”

“Threesome?” She raised her brow questioningly.

“NO!” I hit her with a cushion. “That’s just gross! And besides, the guys would never go for that!”

“Maybe they would!” She laughed, “Think of how great it would be for you! They always like to compete with each other; you could have the most mind blowing sex ever!”

“You want to talk about mind blowing sex?” I shuffled closer to her. “Josh is hands down the best lover in the world. He –”

“Would you two like something to drink?” Logan asked as he jumped up from his chair, when we told him we were fine, he excused himself and left the room.

“What’s with him?” I asked Brandy.

“Don’t worry about it,” she told me as she rolled her eyes. “He’s cut off and he does not like it one bit.”

“Oh? Is everything ok with you guys?”

“Oh yeah,” she gave me a smile and then sighed. “It’s that time and I don’t feel like going down on him or lending him a hand.”

“Oh!” I don’t know why but I kind of blushed when she told me that.

“Yeah,” she laughed. “Everything is fine between us.” We were quiet for a few minutes as the screaming on the TV caught our attention, when the show broke for commercials Brandy turned to me. “You never did say who you would choose.” Logan appeared in the living room again as she continued. “I would have to choose Nick, if it were me.”

“Choose Nick for what?” He asked her as he sat down again.

“For one night,” she told him. “If I wasn’t with you and Nick was free, he would be mine.”

Logan stared at her for a moment and then nodded slowly. “Nick would be the better choice,” he agreed and then frowned. “Why are you two talking about that anyway?” He glanced at me. “You aren’t seeing Jordan, are you?”

I shook my head, “No, I’m not!”

“Good,” he said as he turned towards the TV again. “Jordan isn’t good enough for you, in my opinion.” Brandy asked him why he would say that. “I just didn’t like the attitude he had back in high school when he spoke about you.”

“What?” I turned to him. “What attitude?”

“The ‘she’ll always be around but (the name of whatever chick he was chasing at the time) wouldn’t be’ attitude that he had whenever some one asked him why he didn’t ask you out.” Logan shrugged, “He was a cocky little bastard, I’m glad you never went out with him.”

“Jordan didn’t know I liked him back then,” I told Logan and he laughed.

“Everyone knew you liked Jordan back then Anna!” I glanced at Brandy and she was nodding her head in agreement.

“Everyone knew?” I closed my eyes and fell back against the couch. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“I wanted too Anna but I saw how hurt you were every time Jordan blew you off to hang out with some one else, I didn’t want to add to that,” Brandy told me.

“He knew?” I shook my head and groaned. “And here I thought I was so good at hiding it!”

“Yeah,” Brandy laughed. “You really sucked at it!”

“Oh well,” I smiled. “It doesn’t matter now; I have no interest in Jordan.” I turned to Brandy, “I would totally choose Nick if he was free and I wasn’t crazy about Josh.”

Brandy and Logan

I left early Wednesday morning to drive to the city where I was going to spend the night with Logan, Brandy and their two little girls, Kiki and Tisha. It had been about a year since I last saw them because they didn’t leave the city much and I didn’t really get there as often as I would’ve liked too.

Brandy was probably my closest female friend; in fact she was probably on of the few female friends that I had who hung out with me because of me, not because she was dating a guy friend of mine.

I went to visit them partly because I missed them but mainly because 5 years ago, they went through some thing similar to what I’m going through with Josh right now. It wasn’t exactly the same thing, Brandy had been dating Logan for about six months when she found out about the other woman who he had been screwing around with behind her back; the other woman was Kiki’s mom.

At 18, Brandy wasn’t about to forgive Logan for cheating on her but in a tragic twist of events, Logan found himself holding a tiny baby girl as her mom fought for her life and lost. The same night that Kiki’s mom left this earth, Brandy and I were in her bathroom at her parents house, totally unaware of what was happening beyond those four walls as we stared at the pregnancy test that sat on the counter.

Brandy spent the night lying on the floor as she flip flopped back and forth between crying for her baby and hating Logan for cheating. It wasn’t until noon the next day when her mother came home from the hospital (she was a nurse in the maternity ward) that Brandy found out what had happened. “I have to go,” she told me and her mom. “He needs me.” We tried to talk her out of it but she refused to listen, she told us that we wouldn’t understand.

Six months later, I stood beside Brandy as she promised to love, honor and cherish Logan all the days of her life and cried along with her as Logan spilt his heart to her and the packed church in words he wrote to say to her besides the traditional vows they had planned on reciting.

Three months after the wedding, I was trying to calm a scared little girl as we all waited to hear if she had a sister or a brother.

A year after the birth of Tisha, I cried along with Brandy as Logan packed the rest of their meager possessions into the trailer they rented. “I promise to take good care of her Anna,” Logan gave me a hug. “You can visit us anytime; there will always be room for you.”

For the first year or so, we talked all the time on the phone but in the last couple years there seemed to be more and more excuses until we were barely talking at all.

When Josh came back into my life, Brandy was one of the first people I told. I called her up and the first thing I said to her was, “I found him!” She knew immediately what I meant and she asked me for all the details.

“He sounds so wonderful Anna,” she was so happy for me and she started to ‘plan’ our wedding. “I can’t wait,’ she told me. “I’ll have a really good reason to come home for a couple weeks and the girl will get to see that there are actually people out there who play in front of their own homes without worrying about cars running them over!”

She was in my corner when Jordan was acting crazy and she cried with me when I screwed up and Josh told me that he didn’t want to see me again. “It can’t be over!” She sobbed. “He is your dream guy, the man that you’ve been waiting for your whole life!”

When I ran into Josh at the restaurant, she was just as excited as I was that he wanted to see me. “And he kissed you!” She squealed, which must have scared Logan because I heard his voice in the background, asking what was wrong.

So when I called her to tell her that Josh pretty much wanted to start over again, she told me I was coming to visit her. “It’s time we did some serious planning to get that man back in your arms!”

It was almost ten by the time I pulled up in front of their townhouse that morning. I was so excited to be there that I tried shutting off my car without putting it in park first! When I finally figured out what I was doing and corrected it, Brandy was yanking my door open.

“ANNA!” She squealed as I hopped from the car. “It’s about time you got here!” She threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug. “Come on,” she tugged me away from my car. “We have so much to talk about!”

“But my bag,” I pointed to the car.

“No time,” she said as she pulled me towards the front door where Logan stood with the girls, watching us with an amused expression on his face. “Logan will get it, won’t you baby?”

Brandy didn’t wait for him to answer; she took my keys from me and tossed them at him. “Love you baby!” She called over her shoulder as she pushed me into the house.

While Logan was getting my bag from the car, Brandy led me into the living room where she told the girls to keep me entertained while she ran down stairs to throw the laundry into the dryer.

Once alone with the girls, I asked them how they were doing but they seemed to be a little shy. “You don’t remember me?” Kiki shook her head while Tisha just stood there looking at the floor. “Oh,” I glanced around the room and then back at them. “Well I’m one of your mommy’s best friends, I still live where your mommy grew up. Did she tell you about that place?”

Kiki nodded, “Mommy said there is lots of play space!” She seemed to be asking me if mommy was right.

“And cows,” Tisha piped up. “Mommy said there were cows.”

I laughed, “Yes there are cows and lots of space where I live.”

“Wow,” the both said in unison.

When Logan came back inside from getting my bag, Tisha ran up to him. “Daddy there are cows there! Lots of them!” Tisha pointed at me. “She said so!”

“Yes I know Tisha, I lived there too.” Logan told them to go get dressed and pick up their toys. When the girls left the room, he sat down in the air chair across from me. “So did Brandy ask you to come here to try and convince me that moving back would be good for the girls?” I frowned. “I know she wants them to grow up like we did but I don’t want to go back there Anna, being there reminds me of all the stupid things I did and how I almost lost Brandy because of them.”

“Logan, Brandy never once mentioned wanting to move back to me.”

“She didn’t?” He seemed surprised. “But I heard her talking to you about going back a couple months ago.”

“No, you didn’t.” Brandy’s voice came from the hallway. “Is that why you’ve been acting so weird about Anna coming here? Because you think I want to move back there?”

“I heard you tell her that you would have to try to convince me to go back there! I wasn’t hearing things!”

“You idiot!” Brandy rolled her eyes. “You’ve been acting snarly for the past couple weeks because of something you thought you heard! I don’t want to go back there! Sure I would love to see everyone again but I don’t want to live there! I’m happy with the life we have here!” Brandy glanced at me. “Are you even sure you want to get involved with Josh again; men can be more trouble than they are worth some times!”

Dinner With Nick

I love Nick, in that ‘thank god we are friends because what would I do without you’ kind of way. Dinner with him was just what I needed to get my mind of Josh and the whole situation, I felt like my old self as we talked and laughed over our soup starter - Creole chicken gumbo for me and vegetarian vegetable for Nick.

“Switch?” Nick asked half way through the soup.

“What?” I glanced at him only to see him eye balling my soup bowl. “No!” I covered my bowl with my hands, “You could’ve ordered the gumbo if you wanted it.”

“But we always switch!” He looked horrified. “I should’ve known it wasn’t really you when you called me up and asked me out; Anna never asks me out!”

I rolled my eyes, “You are always busy with Amy.”

Nick sighed, lowering his head. “Not since she’s been pregnant, she tells me to go get busy with myself.”

If I didn’t see the smile on his face I would’ve thought there was seriously something wrong. “Don’t do that!” I kicked him. “I don’t think I could handle it if there was something wrong between you and Amy.”

“Neither could I,” he told me as he pushed his bowl towards me. “Amy and I are doing great,” he tugged my bowl towards him as he tried to distract me by telling me what they’ve been doing with the baby’s room.

Just when he thought he was home free, I grabbed hold of the plate that the bowl was on. “I believe that’s mine.”

“Damn it!” He laughed, “I was this close!” Taking his soup back, he started to talk about Jenna. “I can’t believe how funny she is, Jordan was never that funny when we were growing up and I don’t remember Heather letting loose enough to act like that.”

“What are you talking about? She is just like him!” I shook my head. “Just because you didn’t see the humor in the stuff Jordy did, doesn’t mean that no one else did.” I started to remind him of all the funny stuff Jordan did over the years but half of it he said he didn’t remember. “Whatever,” I said finally. “I think Jenna is exactly like her daddy.”

The waitress came to remove our empty bowls and the conversation changed a little. “What do you think of Bella?” Nick asked before taking a sip of his water. When I didn’t say anything right away he continued. “She seems alright and Jordan does seem happy but I’m a little worried that she may cause some problems for him.”

“What do you mean? Everything seems ok to me.”

Nick hesitated for a moment and then he told me he thought that Bella was a little needy. “She doesn’t seem to want him to do things on his own and the second your name is mentioned? She either gets upset or tries to change the subject.”

“It doesn’t really surprise me,” I told him. “Most of Jordan’s girlfriends had an issue with me; of course Bella is the only one who has any real reason to be concerned. I guess I should say had any real reason to be concerned.” Nick gave me a puzzled look. “What was that for?”

“Why would Bella have had any reason to be concerned? You and Jordan are just friends, nothing has ever happened,” Nick’s eyes went really wide and he stared at me. “Or has it? Has something happened between you and Jordan?”

I frowned, thinking that he must be joking when I remembered that Jordan told me he didn’t tell anyone but Bella that we weren’t speaking. “Oh my God! Jordan never told you, did he?”

“Never told me what?” He placed his glass in the table, almost knocking it over. “What are you talking about? What happened?”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you,” I was really shocked.

“Tell me!”

I started to fill Nick in on the last couple months and since I wasn’t sure what he knew already, I started from the time Josh came back into my life. When I told him that Jordan and I kissed on his bed that morning, Nick jumped up, knocking into the table and spilling his water over the table. “No freaking way!” He stared at me.

“Yeah,” I sighed. Once Nick sat down I continued. “And then Josh and Jess showed up.”

“Oh Anna,” Nick shook his head as he tried to soak up the water with the napkins on the table. “I can’t believe this! Why the hell didn’t Jordan tell me?” He glanced at me. “So what happened after?”

I went on to tell him about Josh’s reaction – Nick said he didn’t blame him – not speaking to Jordan for a month and then how I ran into Josh at the restaurant. “And now he wants to be friends,” I sighed. “Chad and Susan think that it’s a good thing because he didn’t say he ‘just’ wanted to be friends but that he thinks it’s a good place to start; they think he wants to be with me and is just doing this because he feels he needs a solid ‘foundation’ to build our relationship on this time.”

Nick nodded, “I think they could be right but my question is – where the hell have I been that I didn’t even know this was all happening?”

I smiled, “I believe you were busy worrying about Amy, the baby and how your life is going to change.”

“Yeah,” Nick sighed. “I really want this baby Anna but I don’t know what we are going to do.” I asked him what he meant. “The apartment is too small for a baby and Amy is having problems now climbing up all the stairs, what happens when she’s further along?” He groaned. “We can barely manage to pay our bills as it is and I can’t pick up any extra hours because Amy complains that she doesn’t see me now. Her parents want us to move in with them so her mom can help her with the baby but their place isn’t that big and they tend to drive me insane.”

He chuckled and then added, “But living with them would help us financially, we wouldn’t have the $900 rent to pay like we do now nor would we have all the other bills either. Of course we would still be paying them something for staying there but it wouldn’t be as much and I could look for work that pays more without worrying about where our next meal was coming from.” He sat back in his seat, “I guess we really don’t have much choice.”

I held off what I was going to say until the waitress finished placing our meals in front of us – sirloin steak with garlic potatoes, bean & carrot mix, garlic bread and a garlic shrimp skewer for Nick and grilled pork chops with sautéed mushrooms and red onions, garlic potatoes, corn and garlic bread for me.

“If there is anything I can do,” I told him. “You would tell me right?”

Nick looked back and forth between me and his plate, with a smile on his face he told me, “This really helps!” I laughed but stopped when he frowned. “I just wish Amy was here too, I know she really wanted to come when I called her and told her that we were going out for supper.”

I smiled at him, “And I wish that I have what you have with Amy.”

Nick gasped and stared at me. “You can’t have my wife!”

When I called him a moron, he laughed.

Before we left the restaurant, Nick ordered the chocolate caramel cake dessert to take home to Amy. “She isn’t expecting it,” he told me as I drove him home. “She might be upset that I spent the five bucks to buy it but she’ll love me for every second that she is eating it!”

Friends

Josh did call me later that day, he had just watched Jesse go with Carol and he wanted someone to talk too. He kept me on the phone for about an hour as he told me about his weekend with Jess and anything else he could think of to say. At the end of the conversation, he asked me what days I had off that week and I told him Wednesday and Thursday.

“You don’t have plans in the evening on those days, do you?” He asked hopefully and sounded disappointed when I told him I did. “Well what about the rest of the week? Are you working nights all week?”

“No,” I told him. “I work during the day on Friday and Saturday.”

“Damn it,” he sighed. “And next week? Are you busy on your days off?”

I thought about it for a moment and then slowly told him that I believed that I was free next Thursday if he wanted to do anything. “But don’t wait,” I joked. “My time fills up quickly!”

“I see that,” he said. “I don’t recall you being this hard to see when we were dating.”

“No,” I agreed. “But at that time I was pushing back things I had planned on doing with my friends and family to be with you; that’s not the case anymore.”

“You don’t need to remind me.”

“Good, then I don’t need to remind you that this was your idea.”

“I’m well aware that this was my idea,” he told me. “I’m also aware that this means that you will probably be seeing other men and I won’t be able to do a damn thing about it.”

Tell me you don’t want me too and that you love me! I wanted to say to him but instead I told him that the same was true for him as my heart ached at the thought of him with another woman.

“Yeah, I guess.” He didn’t sound too happy about that idea and that made me feel a little better. “Are you seeing someone now?” He asked, “Is that why you aren’t available until next Thursday?”

“No,” I told him. “I’m not seeing anyone nor am I thinking about seeing anyone at this time but if that should change, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

He tried to get me to tell him what I was doing on my days off but I refused to tell him anything other than something with friends. “Are you not telling me because there is more to it than something with friends? Or because the ‘friends’ is really Jordan?”

“Oh my god Josh!” I snapped. “If I was hanging out with Jordan, I would say I was hanging out with Jordan but I’m not.”

“Ok sorry. I just didn’t think it was such a big deal to ask what you were doing.”

I sighed, “I told you what I was doing; I’m going to be hanging out with friends.”

“For two days?”

“Yes, it takes two days to really spend any time with them.” The friends in question lived in the ‘city’ which was three hours from where I live, so I rarely saw them unless I made a special trip to see them. I’m going this week because they’ve been in a situation similar to mine a few years ago and they worked through it; I was hoping for some pointers, hints, or words of encouragement…anything.

“That does…” Josh sighed. “You know what? It doesn’t matter; I’m just upset that I don’t get to spend time with you until next week. I was kind of hoping that we would see each other at least once a week.”

“Hey well you can always call me,” I tried to make him feel better. “Of course I may not always answer it right away but you can call me.”

“That’s true,” he sounded a little cheerier but not by much.

When I hung up from talking to Josh, I held the phone to my chest for a while; thinking of Josh as a friend like Nick isn’t going to be easy.

And then with Nick in my mind, I decided to give him a call to see how he was doing.

“Holy shit! Trouble!” He exclaimed when he realized it was me. “I haven’t heard from you for a while, I thought you disappeared off the face of the earth!”

I laughed, “I didn’t go anywhere, you did! Why have you been ignoring me? Do I smell bad?”

“Yes,” Nick told me with a laugh. “You smell like cheese!”

“Some cheese smells alright,” I told him; the conversation was one we had many, many times before; it was almost ‘our’ thing. He would go on to say I was some really horrible stinky cheese but he would still be my friend because ‘even stinky ass cheese needs someone to talk too some time’.

“So how are you doing?” I asked him once our ‘routine’ was over. “How are Amy and the baby doing?”

“I’m bored out of my tree,” he told me. “Amy took the baby with her to her mom’s and she won’t be back until late; her mom is making her go through boxes and boxes of baby stuff that people have been giving her since we told them about the baby.”

“First things first, you know the baby had to go with Amy right?”

Nick chuckled, “I know Anna, I was just seeing if you were paying attention! But in four months, the baby will have to learn to do stuff without mommy and hang out with dear ol’ dad some times too.”

“Four months?” I almost called him crazy but then he told me that they didn’t tell anyone about the baby until Amy was almost three months along. “So wouldn’t that mean in three months time?”

Nick was quiet as he thought about it. “Oh hell I don’t know! All that matters to me is that some time in the first week of July, Amy will be cursing me, telling me I’ll never touch her again and then I’ll get to hold my baby!”

I smiled, really smiled. I found that talking to Nick always helped make me feel better, some times he was better at it than Jordan was but of course he also had his own life and wasn’t always around. “Nick did you want to go out for supper with me?”

My question must have taken him by surprise because he seemed to stumble over his words. “Umm, sure,” he said finally. I told him he didn’t have too if he rather sit at home and he told me I was crazy if I thought he was going to turn down a free meal. “You did say you were paying, right? Because if you don’t, then we’ll have to go to McDonalds so I afford to eat something.”

“Of course I was paying,” I had planned on it anyway, I knew he didn’t have that much extra cash and with the baby coming things were probably getting really tight for them. Since I had to drive in from my brother’s house, I told him I would pick him up in a half hour. “So decide where you want to go,” I told him and then hung up.

I was looking forward to spending some time with Nick without Amy, it wasn’t that I didn’t like Amy because I did but whenever she was around he acted differently than when he was alone with me; he always treated me like one of the guys but when Amy was around he treated me like one of her friends, he barely said shit to me.

Nick picked Humpty’s as the place he wanted to go. “I was going to pick the Grillhouse,” he told me. “But I wasn’t sure if you go paid Friday or not.”

I laughed, “In fact I did.”

“Really?” His eyes lit up. “Does that mean I can order dessert too?”

“As long as you eat it all Nick, you can order whatever you like from their menu.”

When the waitress came he jokingly told her he wanted one of everything on the menu. “You didn’t say I had to eat it all here.”

Shopping Bug

Work seemed to drag on that day but I was proud of myself for not thinking about the situation with Josh too much; I didn’t want to drive myself crazy wondering if there was a way to speed up this ‘friends’ thing and get back into ‘us’. I know it was crazy; I was the one who thought we were going too fast and there I was wishing we were doing it again.

When the time finally came for me to go home, I damn near ran to my locker to check my phone; no calls. I won’t lie, I was disappointed but then I started to ‘reason’ with myself. Today is the say that Jesse leaves; he wouldn’t want to do anything that would take him away from time with Jess. If he calls, it won’t be until after Jess leaves but then he’ll be so upset that he might just want to be by himself. I smiled, it sounded good to me and I knew it was true from what I saw when we were together.

Before I left the store, I remembered that I had some shopping that I needed to do so I turned around and walked back in. After grabbing a cart, I made my way down through the main action alley by foods. I was standing in front of a display of Hershey’s Cookies trying to decide between boxes of Reese, York, Caramel or Cookies ‘N’ Creme cookies when someone bumped into me with their cart. I moved closer to the display to let the person through but not even a second later, I got bumped again.

Slowly, I turned around with this dirty look on my face.

“That isn’t all that pretty,” Wade said with a laugh as I rolled my eyes and turned back to the cookies. “Hey!” He came up behind me and as he stood very close to me he asked me what I was doing.

“I’m shopping,” I told him, stepping to the side. “And I enjoy doing it alone, thank you,” I said dismissively.

“Don’t you know it’s better with someone?” He reached in front of me and grabbed a couple boxes of Reese cookies. “Are these any good?”

“Yes,” I grabbed a box of each and started down the aisle again.

“So what else do we need?” He asked me again as he fell in step with me. “Do we need any cold stuff? Or how about the frozen stuff?” I walked pass both the cooler and freezer aisles, all the way down to the baking aisle, ignoring him as I went. “Oh!” He grabbed a cake mix off the counter, “Can you bake me a cake?”

“Wade,” I spun around, grabbed the box from him and put it back on the counter. “I tried telling you nicely but apparently you don’t understand ‘nice’ so try this.” I stared up at him and my next words were spoken slowly so he got it. “I want you to leave me alone.”

He frowned and repeated what I said to him under his breath. “You want me, alone?” He looked around and when he turned back, he was grinning. “Well Anna there’s no one here, we are alone.” He spread his arms wide, “Do with me what you will!”

I don’t think I could’ve been more shocked, I stood there for a moment with my mouth hanging open before I realized it and snapped it shut. “Unbelievable,” I muttered, tossing the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies into my cart.

“I agreed,” Wade said next to my ear. “The price they charge for chocolate chips is unbelievable.”

I moved on down the aisle, ignoring him.

“Are you making cookies?” He asked all excited. “I love chocolate chip cookies Anna! It’s so nice of you to bake them as a ‘welcome’ gift.”

“More like a ‘get lost’ gift,” I muttered.

He laughed, “I heard that.”

“Then why don’t you get lost?” I asked him while turning into the next aisle.

“Ummm duh!” He stepped in front of my cart and smiled at me. “It’s Wal-Mart, how can you get lost in Wal-Mart?”

I went to tell him to go find a way when I saw Jordan and Bella walk by with Jenna in a cart. “Jordy!” I called out as I took off after them with Wade on my heel. “Jordy!” I turned the corner and almost ran into Bella. “Hey, sorry,” I told her but I wasn’t looking at her. “You have to help me,” I told Jordan.

“We were in the middle of a conversation Anna,” Bella glared at me.

“Sorry,” I said again this time looking at her. “Well how about you take your brother so I can shop in peace and I’ll leave you to that conversation that you were having.” I spun around and marched down the aisle where I abandoned my cart.

“Anna!” Jordan called out to me, I turned around and he asked me if I was ok. “You seem a little,” he hesitated before he said, “not like you.”

“Everything is fine,” I told him. I have to try to be friends with Josh like I am with Nick but I’m sure it’ll be ok. “It’s just been one of those weekends.” He asked me if I wanted to talk about it but I shook my head. “Don’t worry about me,” I smiled at him. “You go have fun with Bella and Jenna and I’ll see you later.”

While I was walking away I heard Wade ask Jordan if I was seeing anyone. I didn’t hear what Jordan said but I really hope that he told him to leave me alone.

The 'Experts' Agree

When Josh told me that he wanted to be friends my heart sank, I didn’t see this as a good thing at all, I really thought it was a kiss off. That is until I spoke to my sister-in-law in the morning.

I was in their kitchen eating a bowl of cereal when Susan came in and sat down next to me. “So,” she smiled at me. “How did it go with Josh yesterday?” When I didn’t say anything the smile disappeared from her face. “It couldn’t have gone that bad Anna!”

“No,” I told her. “I guess you are right, having the man of your dreams tell you he just wants to be friends isn’t a bad thing at all.”

“What?” Her jaw dropped as she stared at me in disbelief. “No,” she shook her head. “Josh wouldn’t do that, he loves you!”

“Well he did.”

“You have to tell me what was said, exactly what was said,” she glanced at Chad who was sitting at the end of the table reading his paper. “Josh wouldn’t say that, would he honey?”

Chad glanced up at her and shrugged, “I don’t know Susan, I wasn’t there.”

“What good are you?” Susan puffed and then turned to me again. “Tell me what happened.”

So I told Susan everything that happened yesterday, from the time I got to the party until I left his place; I didn’t want to leave anything out just in case I missed something that she would see.

“Wait,” Susan stopped me when I was telling her about the moment before I left Josh’s place. “Did he say he just wanted to be friends or that being friends was a good place to start?”

“I don’t know,” I looked at her. “Why does it matter?”

“Think Anna!” Susan stared at me wide eyed as she grabbed my arm. “What did he say exactly?”

“Oh good lord Anna,” Chad piped up. “Tell her now before she explodes!”

“Shut up you,” Susan threw a bun across the table at him. “Now tell me Anna.”

I sighed, “When I asked him if he wanted to be friends he said, ‘I think that would be a good place to start.’” I groaned, “What the hell does that mean?”

Susan was damn near bouncing in her chair. “It means that he isn’t giving up on you!” She exclaimed. “I knew it! Josh does love you and he does want things to work out! Yay!” She sat there beaming at me.

“How do you know that?” I asked her, I was totally confused.

“Well Anna I think that Josh –”

“Anna,” Chad jumped into the conversation totally cutting Susan off. “If Josh had said ‘let’s just be friends’ it would mean that he doesn’t see things ever going further with the two of you. But by saying, ‘it’s a good place to start’ means he wants to work towards being in a serious relationship with you again. Of course, it won’t make over night and there will be times when you wonder if it’s going anywhere but in the end you’ll see, you’ll be more than friends with him again.”

“Really?” I glanced at Susan who was shooting daggers at Chad. I thought about it for a moment but I didn’t get it and I told them that.

“Anna,” Susan jumped in giving Chad a dirty look when he opened his mouth. “When you first meet someone who you get along with and you like, you become friends right?” I nodded. “When you become friends with someone, you get to know them and if there is chemistry between the two of you, you might decide to take it a step further.”

“Right but what does that have to do with this?”

“Part of getting to know someone is starting to trust them enough to be yourself with them and Josh telling you that he wants to be friends, that it’s a good place to start means he wants to trust you and he is willing to give you the chance to regain his trust.” Susan sat back and smiled at me. “Plus it gives you both the space you didn’t have when you rushed into being together.”

I glanced at Chad, I was going to ask him what he thought but he was nodding in agreement with Susan so I knew the answer to that question. “So what do I do now?”

“You be his friend,” Susan said simply and then grabbed my arm. “And Anna I mean ‘friend’ not ‘friends with benefits’. I want you to treat him the same way you treat Jo…Nicky.”

“Jordan doesn’t have any special benefits!” I snapped at her.

“But you did blur the friendship line with him on more than one occasion,” Chad jumped in.

“Right,” Susan agreed. “You can’t do that with Josh, if you do you’ll only end up confusing yourself. If you get in a situation where you think about crossing the line ask yourself if it were Nicky, would you do it.”

I sighed, “This isn’t going to be easy, is it?”

“No,” Susan told me. “It’s probably going to be the hardest thing you ever did but think about how great it’ll feel when Josh does take you in his arms to kiss you for the first time…again.” Susan gave a happy sigh and Chad raised a brow in her direction. “It’ll be so worth it Anna.”

So I was feeling a lot better about the situation with Josh when I left for work that morning, I just didn’t know if I should wait for him to call me up to see if I wanted to hang out or if I should call him.

I decided that since he was the one who wanted time, I should wait for him. I just hoped that he wouldn’t take too long calling me and that’s why I had my cell on the floor with me while I was working; I didn’t want to miss his call.

When I went on my break, I thought about it a little more and I put my cell into my locker like I did every other time I worked, being his friend means not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.

A Backwards Step

Josh closed his eyes for a moment, I felt his hand twitch on my waist and then he opened his eyes again. “I wish I could say yes Anna but I can’t,” he gave a sad sounding chuckle. “Hell I can’t even say no really.”

“That doesn’t make any sense Josh, it’s either you do or you don’t.”

He shook his head, “I don’t know how to explain it besides saying it that way Anna. In many ways I do trust you but in some other ways I don’t know if I can.”

“Josh,” I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. “I can’t continue to do this you know.”

“Do what?” He propped himself up on an elbow and stared down at me. “Anna what can’t you do?”

“I can’t wait around forever for you to figure out if you want me or not,” I took a deep breath and looked up at him. “It’s hard to be with you and not really be with you. I’m happy when I see you or when I hear from you but that happiness turns to confusion and self loathing when I can’t touch you or kiss you like I want too. It hurts Josh.”

“You think I’m not hurting Anna? I jumped into ‘us’ head first without looking, I was planning our future with my son; hell I even asked you to marry me. I was so damn serious about us and to have you throw it all that back in my face with one ‘I wanted to know how it felt’ kiss with Jordan? How the hell do you think that makes me feel? Do you think I like not being able to be with you the way I want to be? Do you think I’m just doing this to punish you?”

I jumped up and turned towards him, “I never said it was easy for you Josh! I know it’s not, if it was I’d be worried if you really did care about me like you say you do.” I groaned and drug my hand through my hair. “All I was trying to tell you was how hard this is for me, knowing that this is all my fault and how I worry that there isn’t anything that I can do to make you see it will never happen again, you would never have any reason to question my feelings for you.”

Josh was quiet for a while, I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and tell him I loved him and nothing will ever change that; I wanted everything to be like it was before I fucked up.

“What do you expect me to do Anna?” He asked finally. “Do you want me to forget all about it? Do you want me to be friends with Jordan, instead of wanting to beat the crap out or him like I wanted to today?”

“But you didn’t,” I stated.

“No, I didn’t. Do you know why?” When I shook my head, he sighed. “I wasn’t too happy to hear that we had to go to Jordan’s to drop Jenna off, I guess I was hoping that she was going to her mom’s not to his place. When I saw him on the steps as I drove up, I wanted to keep driving, I wanted to hit him.” I gasped and he smiled. “I know, it’s immature and stupid but God it would’ve made me feel better for two seconds.”

“No it wouldn’t,” I told him. “You would feel bad about it as soon as you did it.”

“Yeah,” he agreed reluctantly. “I would regret it but it felt nice to think about doing it.”

“But you talked to him,” I really wanted to know about that because I didn’t expect it.

He nodded. “I was going to stay in the car and let you deal with him but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to sit there and wonder what you two were saying, so I got out. I wasn’t going to talk to him, I wasn’t even going to acknowledge his presence but when I went to hand Jenna to you, I happened to glance at Jordan and I recognized something in the way he looked at Jenna; it was the same expression I know I had when I first got to spend time with Jesse. It didn’t change what happened but yet it helped me see him in a different light, one that stopped me from kicking his ass.”

“Well I’m very glad you didn’t kick his ass Josh, I wouldn’t want to have to explain to the kids why you were beating Jordan up and why he cried so easily.” I smiled at him, “Jenna has lots of time before she needs to know her daddy is a big wuss.”

Josh laughed, “Well when I saw that look I had to tell him whatever I could think of about Jenna that he would need to know; I remember getting Jesse sometimes and not knowing if I should try to feed him or change him or what. There were times that he cried and I couldn’t figure out why…”

“You didn’t want Jordan to go through that?” I was surprised that he would care that much about making things easier for Jordan.

“I know it sounds crazy Anna but not knowing what’s wrong with your kid isn’t something I would wish on anyone, no matter how pissed off I am at them.”

“I’m glad to hear that Josh, it takes a big man to put differences aside for any reason.” Josh nodded absently. “What are you thinking?” I asked him.

“There was one thing that I found a little strange though.”

“Oh? What was that?” Thinking back, I couldn’t think of anything that was out of the ordinary.

“He didn’t say anything to you,” Josh stated and when I asked him what he was talking about, he told me that Jordan didn’t say anything to me at all. “Is there something going on?”

I shook my head, “I guess there was really nothing that we needed to say to each other.” I shrugged. “We really haven’t been talking like we used too because we don’t really see each other that much anymore.”

“And how do you feel about that? You and Jordan were almost inseparable.”

“Well we hung out all the time because we lived together; we didn’t have to go out to hang out with someone. It’s like now I spend more time with my family because I see them more, it’s not an effort to go and see them; Jordan spends most of his time with Jenna and Bella.” I smiled at Josh, “Why did you ask?”

He shrugged, “I just thought it was strange.”

“I think it happens to most friends, life gets in the way but you know that they’ll be there when you need a friend; it’s like that with Nick, I know he’s there if I need him and he knows that about me.”

“So it wasn’t because I was there?”

I told him it wasn’t and silence soon fell over the room. I’m not sure how much time passed before I spoke again. “Well,” I turned my head to look up at Josh. “I should get going, it’s getting late.”

“No,” Josh mumbled as his arm tightened around me. “You don’t have to leave,” he told me. “You can stay here.”

“I can’t Josh, I have to work in the morning and Chad asked me not to be too late.”

“But I don’t want you to go,” his lips brushed against my temple as he spoke. “Please just stay with me tonight?”

I wanted to say I would, my heart was screaming for me to tell him yes but my mind was telling me that if I stayed I would end up more confused than I already was, you need to set some boundaries, you need to decide what you are doing to do now.

“Josh,” I pushed him away from me and sat up. “Don’t do that, don’t get there an act like my boyfriend when you don’t really want to be, I can’t play this game with you.”

“I’m not playing games Anna!” Josh sat up on the bed and stared at me as I got off the bed.

“No?” He shook his head and I sighed. “I don’t trust you.”

“You don’t trust me?” Josh stood up, he looked mad.

“Well,” I moved in close to him and lifted my hands to his chest, gazing up at him. “I trust you enough to hold you, touch you and want to be around you but not enough to be with you again.”

Josh stepped back from me, crossing his arms over his chest. “I never said that!”

“No? Well that’s the message you are sending me Josh and I’m sorry but I can’t take much more of it.”

“You want to see other people?” Josh asked slowly.

“NO!” I exclaimed and groaned. “Josh I want to see you! But you tell me you need time which I don’t really want to give you because I’m afraid that if I do you’ll realize that you are happier without me in your life.”

“Anna,” Josh went to reach for me but I stopped him.

“I have to go Josh, it’s getting late and my brother is probably waiting up for me to get home.” I turned and ran out of his room because if I walked I knew I would be more inclined to stop and go to him.

I made it to the door before Josh caught up with me; he rested his hand against the door. “Asking for time doesn’t mean that I’ll forget about you Anna.”

“I hope not,” I told him. “Because right now, you have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do.”

“What do you mean?”

With a fake smile pasted on my face, I glanced up at him. “I’m stepping back…away…whatever you want to call it. You say you need time then you have it. I won’t call you or bug you or anything; when you know what you want, you know where to find me.”

“Anna,” Josh grabbed hold of my arm. “I want to be able to see you and to talk to you.”

“And I want to make love to you.” The words were out before I could stop them and I didn’t even regret saying them but I did close my eyes. “So what are you suggesting Josh?” I opened my eyes and raised a brow. “You want to be friends?”

“I think that would be a good place to start,” he said softly.