Taking The Future In My Hands

After lunch Zack seemed to be looking for things to keep him busy in the house so he wouldn’t have to go outside and finish shoveling. I didn’t tell him that Jordan was coming over because I wasn’t so sure he would actually show up; I didn’t want to get Zack’s hopes up. When the hour had come and gone, I was glad that I didn’t tell Zack. I knew I couldn’t get mad at Jordan for not coming out, he didn’t have to do it but I was disappointed because he told me he would be there.

I was down in my room waiting for Zack to finished with the squeaky door that he amazingly ‘found’ when he ran out of things on Mary’s list of things for him to do. I was flipping through one of the many photo albums that I had of my years with the guys, when Cassie came knocking on my door. After I told her to come in, she joined me on my bed. “What are you doing?” She asked as she looked at the photos with me. I told her that I was reliving the past. “I thought you didn’t want to ever think of him again?”

I sighed, “It’s hard to explain Cassie.”

“Try,” she said, looking at a picture of Jordan when he was about her age.

“I’m not sure if what I did was right,” I told her and when she gave me a questioning look I continued. “I mean, I’m so mad at him for everything he has done since Josh came back into my life; the lying, telling me he had feelings for me and trying to force me to be with him or kiss him or whatever.” I looked up at Cassie. “I’m not sure if ending my friendship with Jordan was the way to go.”

“Why aren’t you sure? Are you saying that you might have made a mistake and Jordan might mean more to you than you like to admit?” Cassie was no longer looking at the photos; she was staring at me, waiting for me to answer.

“No!” I shook my head, “I’m not saying that at all. I still believe that Jordan and I wouldn’t last as anything more than friends.”

“But?”

I shrugged, “But nothing Cassie. I just miss him. I miss the silliness, the laughter, and the long talks about nothing. I miss having someone who knows what I’m thinking longer before I do. I was so mad that morning Cassie. He wasn’t listening to me and I needed to get out of there. I reacted without really thinking about what I was saying,” I chuckled. “Go figure, right?”

“Yeah,” Cassie tried to hide a smile. “You never do that!”

“Hey!” I laughed, “I know, I tend to react and then think about it. That’s what got me in this mess in the first place! I kissed Jordan! What the hell was I thinking? I knew Josh was coming over, I knew he would have Jess with him, I knew that if he saw me crossing the friends line with Jordan he would bail on our relationship; he pretty much told me that already.”

“Then why did you kiss Jordan?”

I closed my eyes and sighed, “I wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing out on something.”

Cassie didn’t say anything for a moment as she thought about what I said. “Aunt Anna?” She glanced at me, “Can I say something?”

“Sure,” I told her, I wasn’t so certain I wanted to hear what she had to say though.

She shifted her position on the bed, she was now facing me. Reaching out her hands, she took hold of mine. “I know I didn’t seem too excited about the idea of you dating Coach Baker in the beginning and yeah, I did think that Jordan was perfect for you but I’ve seen you with both of them and there is some thing about the Coach that made you happier than I’ve ever seen you. Everyone sees it and you know it but I think you are afraid of it, I think you are scared of being serious about someone.”

“I can be serious about someone,” I told her defensively.

Cassie shook her head, “I never said you couldn’t be I said you were afraid to be. I believe that you kissed Jordan because you knew Josh wouldn’t like it; I think you wanted to slow things down with him but every time you tried, you didn’t think it was working.”

“But Josh was doing everything I wanted him to do, he said we would slow down, he was going to help me move Cassie. He wanted our relationship to work, even if that meant he had to deal with my over friendliness with Jordan.”

Cassie sighed, “Well if it’s not what I said, then maybe you do love Jordan but you are in denial.”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t love Jordan!”

“Yes you do!”

“No! I! Don’t!” I glared at her. “I don’t.”

“Dee-nial!” She laughed.

“Cassie, I’m not going to argue with you about this!” I told her as I jumped off my bed, “I have to go help your father shovel.”

Cassie followed me all the way upstairs whispering, ‘dee-nial’ as we went. I was very grateful when I finally found Zack standing out by the door looking out the window. “What do you know about this?” He asked when I got closer to him.

Glancing out the window, I smiled as Jordan made his way through the snow and up the front step. “He came!” I exclaimed as I grabbed the door knob and yanked the door open. “Hey!” I beamed at a very surprised Jordan.

But the surprise didn’t last too long, Jordan’s face was soon void of any emotions as he looked pass me to my brother. “I thought you might want some help,” he told him.

“Yes!” Zack exclaimed before telling Jordan he had to get his gear on. “Why don’t you come in and wait?”

Jordan looked like he was going to say ‘ok’ until he glanced my way. “No, that’s ok. I think I’ll just get started.” Without another word, he turned and headed down the steps towards the bobcat he rode up the drive on.

It took about two hours for the guys to remove the snow with the bobcat and then shovel the remaining areas they couldn’t get at properly. I was sitting in the living room waiting for them to be done, I was so sure that Zack would invite Jordan in and not take no for an answer. But when the door opened, Zack was the only one standing there.

“Where’s Jordan?” Mary asked as she helped Zack out of his frozen clothes. “Didn’t you tell him to come in?”

Zack nodded, “Yeah but he said he’d rather not.” He glanced at me but didn’t say anything and I knew I was the reason Jordan didn’t want to come in. Not that I needed Zack to tell me.

As quickly as I could, I pulled on my boots and jacket, I ran out the door and down the lane part way, yelling after Jordan as he drove away on the bob cat.

I was feeling worst than ever as I entered the house again, Zack tried to tell me that Jordan didn’t hear me but I knew as well as he did, that Jordan could hear me, he just chose not to stop.

“Maybe he had plans Anna,” Mary offered.

“Maybe,” I managed to give her a weak smile. “I just wanted to talk to him. I was hoping to talk to him.”

An hour later, I was down in my room when Cassie busted in. “So guess who I was just talking too!”

“Ben?” I guessed, not really caring who it was.

“No!” She exclaimed, “I was just talking to Jordan, who is home, alone. With no plans for tonight except to veg out in front of the TV.”

I shrugged, “So?”

“Aunt Anna!” Cassie groaned and fell to her knees on my bed. “He doesn’t have any plans, you don’t have any plans and you want to talk to him.”

I jumped up, “You think I should go over there?” She nodded her head excitedly. “Do you think he’ll want to see me? What if he slams the door in my face?”

“Have something in your hands that he can’t resist?”

My eyes widen as I had an idea. “I just happen to know that Jordan is a sucker for Chinese, I think I’ll pay Mrs. Chung a visit.” I headed towards my door. “Thanks Cassie!”

“Yes!” Cassie screamed and then laughed. “Oh you might want to change out of your pjs though!”

A half hour later, I walked into our favorite Chinese restaurant and was greeted warmly by Mrs. Chung. I told her I wanted to place an order for take out and when I went to tell her what I wanted, she stopped me and told me what I was ordering. “15 minutes,” she told me as she disappeared into the back.

I turned from the counter to take a seat at the first table by the counter where customers always waited for their food, when I felt someone watching me. Glancing around the restaurant, I noticed a few people that I knew but none of them were looking in my direction. At first I thought I was just being paranoid and started to sit down but then I saw him. In the far corner of the restaurant, at a table for 4, sat the man of my dreams. He was staring directly at me so I stared back at him. He didn’t blink, smile or move in any way shape or form, he just stared at me through the semi crowded restaurant.

Then he stood up and headed towards the back of the restaurant, towards the bathrooms. I let out the breath I was holding. It was a good thing I let that breath out because if I didn’t, everyone in the restaurant would’ve heard it being knocked out of me as I realized that he wasn’t alone, at his table sat his cousin, Mark and Mark’s wife and a woman I never seen before.

I wanted to throw up, he’s on a date!

I ran towards the bathroom as I felt the need to puke get stronger but once I reached the back of the restaurant, the door I pushed open wasn’t the one I should’ve went into.

“Oh excuse me,” said an older gentleman who almost ran into me as he was coming out of the door I was going into. I don’t think he realized what I was doing until he was a couple feet from me, he stopped and turned to look but I had already slipped pass the closing men’s room door.