Flipping Out

For the next two weeks I spent most of my time alone in my room at my brother’s house. Most of the time I spent in a chat room on line just making small talk with people I didn’t really want to get to know. It was so easy to escape all the bad moments that kept replaying in my head as I sat there typing away, getting lost in all the drama that is the chat world.

In those two weeks all my family tried to get me to hang out with them; go to the store, watch movies or just talk, anything to stop the downward spiral into the darkness where I was headed. But I kept telling them I wasn’t in the mood; I didn’t want to do anything. And when I did do stuff with them, I’d end up thinking or seeing some thing that would remind me of Josh or Jesse. The worst time would have to been yesterday when I came home from work. Up until that point I managed not to cry around my family and I was actually holding it together better than I thought I would but I knew it wouldn’t be all that long before I totally lost it. And boy did I lose it.

I had just come in through the basement entrance as I did often to avoid the looks of pity on my family’s faces. I could hear the TV going as I closed the door. Oh great, I thought. What does Zack want to ‘talk’ about now? He seemed to be making excuses to be there when I got home lately, I knew it was because he was concerned for me but I didn’t think that there was really anything to be worried about, I mean it’s not like I was the first person to make a mistake that ended the greatest relationship in the world.

Walking into the family room, I saw that Zack wasn’t waiting for me and I was some what relieved. That was until I glanced at the screen and saw Lightning McQueen in all his Rust-eze glory. I didn’t tell anything about Jesse’s fascination with ‘Cars’ so my reaction wasn’t one anyone would have been expecting.

“Natalie!” She jumped as I ran over to the couch and stared at her. “What are you doing?”

She looked up at me with these big brown eyes, she looked so scared. “I…I’m watching ‘Cars’,” she managed to stammer. “I didn’t go in your room Aunt Anna, daddy did. Daddy said I could watch the movie.”

The whole time she was talking, all I heard was, “We watch Cars Ama?” My bottom lip started to tremble as I dropped my stuff on the floor.

“We can’t watch ‘Cars’ together anymore,” I said.

Natalie gave me a confused looked, “Aunt Anna, I can watch it by myself,” she said. But I heard. “Why Ama? You no like ‘Cars’?”

“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I didn’t mean to do it; I didn’t want it to end!” Tears were streaming down my face, “It hurts so much, please make it stop.”

By this time Natalie was freaking out, she jumped up from the couch and went running upstairs calling out to Zack. “Daddy! Daddy come quick! Daddy!”

I sunk to the floor on my knees, bending over until my forehead touched the carpet. “It hurts so much,” I sobbed to no one.

Zack came flying down the stairs yelling at Mary to keep the girls upstairs. I heard him as he approached me and stopped dead in his tracks. I’m not sure how long he stood there watching me, letting me cry, before he knelt down beside me and pulled me into his arms, hugging me.

When I finally calmed down enough he spoke. “Anna,” he sighed. “I wish I could make this easier for you.”

“I miss them so much Zack,” I sniffed, wiping my eyes with my fingers. “Everything reminds me of them. I can’t go to work but I see them, I can’t stand in this room but I have memories of time with them. I can’t sleep at night; he haunts my dreams, telling me he loves me only to leave me. I…I…” I started to tear up again. “I didn’t think it would hurt this much Zack, it never hurt this much before. I feel like a huge piece of me is gone. I just…”

Zack hugged me tight, “I know you are hurting Anna but you have to try to deal with it. And freaking out on Natalie isn’t dealing with it sis, that just scares the crap out of her!”

I groaned, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare her. I just…” I pointed to the TV as it flashed Lightning McQueen. “That’s Jesse’s favorite movie, he wanted to watch it all the time.”

“Anna you are going crazy, you know that?”

I nodded sadly, “Yes.”

“You need to get out and do something sis, you need to try and get your mind off the pain you are feeling, even if it’s just for an hour or two. I don’t mean going to work either. You understand what I’m saying?” Zack looked down at me, “Well?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “I know what you mean.”

“Good!” Zack released me and smiled. “I think it’s mighty nice of you to offer to take the girls out for supper.”

I couldn’t help but laughed at him, “Is that your way of telling me you want Mary and the house all to yourself for a while?”

“Maybe,” he tried to be serious but he couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. “Well since you asked, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I’m working all day.” He grumbled something about stupid people and their need to break the law. “And you do owe Natalie a big apology.”

I rolled my eyes at him, “Fine I’ll take the girls out but I don’t want to hear about your evening when I get back!”

“I won’t tell you a thing!” Zack told me as he helped me up off the floor. “But if Mary is happy, I did it!”

“Ewww!” I went to smack him but he took off upstairs. Sometimes I think my brother hasn’t grown up yet.

After I went to my room and changed, I headed upstairs where the girls were waiting for me. Out of the three of them, only two looked excited about spending some time with me.

“Ready to go?” I asked.

“Yes!” Natalie and Lindsay replied, then started to fight over who got to sit in the front seat while they headed outside.

Cassie stood rooted in her spot with her arms crossed over her chest and the most unfriendly look on her face. “Are you ready?” I asked her.

Giving me a dirty look, she rolled her eyes, “Whatever.” She turned around and stomped out the door, “Let’s go.”

As I headed out the door, I looked over my shoulder at Zack.

“Teenagers?” He offered as the door closed behind me.