So Much For My Happy Ending

I have trouble remembering the events as they happened that morning, I think I’ve tried to block it out because I hurt two of the people I loved the most with one stupid little kiss. Looking back on it now, I still can’t believe I didn’t stop Jordan the moment he made the move to kiss me, I don’t even know why I didn’t.

I don’t believe that I meant to hurt Josh; I don’t think that I expected him to even find out. I was in over my head with Josh, we both knew that. I know we said we’d take it slow but things were so intense between us. I wish I could say that I kissed Jordan without thinking but I know that would be a lie. Sure I told myself that I wanted to know what it was like to kiss him but I don’t think that really was the reason. Despite my problems with Jordan, he always was the one who made things seem easy, he calmed me down when things were so stressful. I think that’s what I was looking for that morning, some calm but of course I didn’t find it. I just caused a storm that hurt everyone involved.

Jordan slid out of his bed that morning, he made his way over to the door and I thought Josh was going to deck him. Josh blocked the doorway; he glared down at Jordan but despite what happened he didn’t raise his clenched fist up in anger towards him. Josh moved aside to let Jordan pass.

Jess, who had run into to get up with me before Jordan left the bed, now took off after Jordan asking him where he was going. We could hear them talking in the hall…

“That’s Ama’s room.”

“I know.”

“Where going now?” Jesse asked after a moment of silence.

“Here,” I heard another door open, it must have been the guest room, I didn’t even realize it was closed.

I could hear Jesse’s footsteps as he ran into the room. “Baby! What baby doing Jo’dan?”

Jordan laughed, “The baby’s name is Jenna, she’s my little girl.”

“You daddy Jo’dan?” Jordan told him that he was. “Oh, where baby mommy? Ama baby mommy?” He sounded so upset by this.

“Anna isn’t Jenna’s mommy.” There voices trailed off as they all moved down the hall.

Josh was watching me the whole time; I could feel the anger in his eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him; I couldn’t believe I did something so stupid. I knew that there was no way that I could make this better.

He didn’t say a word once we couldn’t hear Jesse and Jordan so loudly anymore, and that scared me. I think I would’ve preferred if he yelled at me or something.

I got off the bed and made my way over to him, I didn’t know what I was going to say when I got to him but I thought that we should say something. But he turned away from me as I got closer and by the time I was at the door, he had disappeared into the bathroom.

Jordan must have unlocked my door before he went to get Jenna because the door was opened when I looked into the hallway. That’s where I went, I needed to get out of Jordan’s room but I couldn’t go out where Jesse was.

I was pulling stuff from my closet when I heard my door close. I didn’t even need to look over my shoulder, I knew it was Josh. I wanted to turn towards him but I couldn’t, I knew that there was no way he would forgive this, I knew this was probably the end of our relationship and I didn’t want it to be over.

You love him, he makes you really happy, how could you do this to him? I asked myself. You are selfish, immature and you don’t deserve to have a man like him. You don’t deserve to be happy.

I didn’t hear him move but he crossed the room to me and spun me around to face him. I couldn’t look at him but he grasped my chin and turned my face upwards to his. I didn’t want to look into his eyes, but I couldn’t look away. All the anger that those blue eyes held made me feel loser than the scum of the earth, you are no better than Carol, a voice in my head said. I tried to turn away from him.

“Don’t do that,” he snapped.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t cry,” he told me and when I gave him a questioning look he dropped his hand. “If you feel bad for what you did, then good! You should! How could you Anna?” I went to say something but he stopped me. “No, I don’t want to hear it. I’m done listening to your excuses and lies! You told me you had no desire to kiss him, obviously that was a lie.” He ran a hand through his hair but didn’t look at me. “How much of what you told me was a lie Anna? Did you even love me?”

He didn’t wait for my answer; he turned on his heel and started to walk away. I tried to stop him but he pushed me off. “I can’t talk to you,” he said as he yanked the door open.

“Can we talk later?” I asked him, hoping that he would take me up on that.

He leaned against the door; he was silent for a while before he looked at me and shook his head. “No, I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Josh left my room and hurried down the hall, grabbing Jesse from where he was playing on the floor with Jenna and told him they were leaving. Jesse started to cry, he wanted to stay and play with ‘baby’.

I followed Josh out into the porch, where he struggled to get Jesse dressed to go outside. “Josh please don’t do this,” I tried to hold back my tears but it was useless.

He ignored me. He continued to struggle with Jesse.

“Josh please…” I reached out to touch him.

Josh snapped and I mean seriously snapped. He grabbed Jesse up in one arm and clenched his boots and jacket in the other hand. He spun around and glared at me, “There is nothing you can say that is ever going to change what happened in there Anna. There is no way in hell I’m ever going to forgive you for it either. I don’t ever want to see you again; I don’t want to hear from you or about you. If I could erase you from my mind, I would.”

Without another word Josh walked out of my life.

He might as well have killed me then, it wouldn’t have hurt as much as being without him would.

I don’t know how long I was balled up on the floor of the porch crying and sometimes gasping for breath; all I remember is wishing that I was dead.