It Didn't Mean A Thing!

So many things ran through my mind when he told me he didn’t actually see Jordan and I doing anything. My first thought was that was a complete lie, there’s no way he didn’t see it, he even said he wanted to talk about the kiss! How can he want to talk about it if he didn’t see it happen? I didn’t understand it, so I asked him about it.

“Well Jess ran on without me when we got to your house, he told me he knew where he was going and left me standing in the porch,” he gave me this sheepish look. “Like I said, I just put it together from the looks on both your faces and the fact that you were really close together, in his bed.” I asked him what exactly he saw. He hesitated for a moment and then told me I was sitting up on the bed and Jordan was kneeling in front of me. “He was back on but turned towards the door. I saw his hand resting on your thigh and I remember wanting to break his fingers before it hit me that something else was going on.”

I asked him why he wanted to know what happened. “How will it help any now? Just thinking about it…” I lowered my head. “I wish it never happened.”

“But it did,” Josh stated. “I don’t know how knowing what happen would help Anna, all I know is that knowing the truth can’t be any worst than what I’ve been picturing for the last month.” He reached out and took my hand in his. “Maybe I’m crazy but I want to know.”

I tried to tell him what happened but every time I opened my mouth, I couldn’t say the words. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I can’t.”

Josh sat there staring at me for the longest time, I wasn’t sure if he was upset at me or just thinking. I watched as the wrinkles in his forehead got deeper, that can’t be good.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m wondering if you don’t want to tell me because there’s more to it than you want to admit or if it’s because you really feel that bad about it.”

Because I feel like crap about it! I screamed in my head but I didn’t think that telling him that would clear it up in his head. “I find it hard to think about it Josh, I’ve tried to block it out but I can’t. Just the idea of telling you what happened makes me sick. Please don’t make me do it,” I pleaded with him.

My stomach fell as he got off the couch, “Maybe…” his voice trailed off as he turned to me, holding out his hand. Giving him a questioning look, I asked him what he was doing. “Come with me,” he said as I slipped my hand in his.

Josh turned around and took a step. With each step he took we moved closer and closer to my room. “Josh what are we doing?”

He didn’t answer me as he led me over to my bed, flipped on my lamp and sat down on my bed, gazing up at me. “If you can’t tell me, how about you show me?” He patted my blue and white comforter before he slid back to lie down.

“No!” I shook my head violently. “Josh that’s worst than telling you, to have to relive that all over again?”

But Josh seemed determined to find out what happened. “Well tell me,” he sat up and looked up at me expectantly.

“I kiss him Josh!” I cried out, “That’s what happened. I went to his place to pack, found my door had a new lock on it so I went to wake him to unlock it for me.” I stared down at him; I was so upset that he was making me do this. All the anger that had built up in me over the past couple months from all the pushing and pulling that came from both Jordan and Josh finally found its way to the surface. If he wanted to know what happened, then I was going to tell him!

“I went into his room, woke him up and told him I needed in my room. I didn’t plan on getting anywhere close to him, I didn’t even plan on talking to him besides to tell him I was moving back here.” I spread my arms and looked around my room. “But I wanted to trust him, I wanted things to be the way they were before, I wanted him to be my friend again. So when he told me he wouldn’t do anything, that he just wanted to talk, I believed him and I did what I’ve done for the past 23 years when ever we had something serious to talk about. I laid down on the bed with him, I didn’t lay next to him or even that close to him, I was pretty much on the edge with my arms crossed over my chest and I waited to hear what he had to say.”

“He told me he was glad I was there and that he didn’t think I would talk to him again, I told him I wasn’t going too but you…” Josh slid over to the edge of the bed and sat there not saying a word as I continued. “…convinced me that it wouldn’t be a good idea, which I would end up regretting.”

“He said he was sorry for what he did, that he knew I didn’t want him to do it. He also told me that he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t do it again, not even if I told him I wouldn’t be his friend anymore. He told me he couldn’t help how he felt,” Josh sort of rolled his eyes. “That he wanted a chance to show me how great we could be together.”

I stopped talking then.

“Then what happened?” Josh asked me, his hands were gripping the edge of the mattress as his eyes remained focused on me.

I sighed, “What do you think happened?”

Josh leaned back and sighed, “Why don’t you just tell me?”

“Fine!” I snapped. “He kissed me, he lowered his head and his lips touched mine.”

“You didn’t try to stop him?”

I wanted to tell him yes, I did and I almost did say that. “No,” I said softly. “I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Josh wasn’t looking at me now, he was staring at some spot just pass my shoulder.

“I could give you lots of excuses but it doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t stop him.”

“Why don’t you tell me those excuses?” Josh glanced at me briefly before returning to that spot on the wall. I stood there staring at him, his jaw was clenched and his hands were now balled up into fists, I wasn’t sure if I should continue. “Go on Anna; tell me why you let Jordan kiss you that morning.”

“Because I wanted him too!” I exclaimed, surprising myself and Josh at the same time. He raised a questioning brow and I continued. “I had a crush on Jordan in school,” I told him. “I wanted him to be interested in me but he never seemed to care for me that way so I didn’t say anything about it. We went on with our lives; we dated other people and continued being friends. Everyone kept saying that we were so good for each other and we should be together, even after you came into my life. No one understood why I didn’t want to be with him, especially after he told me he wanted me.”

“I didn’t believe him but part of me still wondered if there was something between us, if we could be more than friends.”

Josh had stood up at that moment; he walked out of my room. “Josh?” I called after him as I followed him through the family room and to the entrance door. “You said you wanted to know,” I grabbed his arm and moved around to stare up into his face. The look in his eyes made my blood run cold, I was almost afraid of him at that moment.

He turned his head so that he wasn’t looking at me any more; he took a moment before he turned back again. This time he didn’t look so mad, he looked hurt, his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “This was a mistake,” his voice broke. “I was hoping that you would tell me he forced you, like before but you…” He lowered his head and wiped his hand across his face. Taking a deep breath he reached for his coat. “I can’t do this right now,” he told me as tears fell from his blue eyes. “I thought I could but I’m not ready.”

“Josh…” I shook my head as my tears streamed down my face. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You made me happier than I ever thought was possible, I don’t want this…” I motioned back and forth between us. “I don’t want us to end. Please tell me it’s not over?” My hands gripped the front is his shirt, “Please tell me that you still love me and want to be with me.”

“Anna I…”

“Please Josh,” I begged as I pressed my face against his chest. “I would do anything to make this right, I will do anything you want, just please don’t write me off. Please Josh.” My tears soaked into his shirt as I held on to him, begging him to give me another chance. I kept repeating I was sorry and that I would do anything for that chance.

And for a brief moment he held me in his arms. Until he pulled himself together long enough to hold me out from his body. “Anna,” his eyes held mine. “I love you with all my heart and soul, there isn’t a moment that I don’t think of you and wish that you were by my side.”

I started to cheer up; this has to be a good thing right?

“But…”