The God's Honest Truth

I was afraid to even breath at that moment, I thought that if I didn’t move he wouldn’t tell me that even though he loved me there was no way he could ever forgive me for what I did.

But at the same time I couldn’t believe that he just made me tell him part of the story without letting me finish. I didn’t know if it would matter to him or not the reason I stopped the kiss. Would it make any difference at all? Should I just go on with the rest of the story regardless of what he wants to say?

Josh started to speak but I stopped him. “I really think that you should let me finish,” I told him.

“No,” he shook his head. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“No?” I shook my head. “It was a good idea when I didn’t want to tell you what happened.”

Dropping his hands from my arms, Josh stepped back from me. “It was a mistake.”

A mistake? Damn right it was a mistake! The kiss should’ve never happened! When I didn’t say anything right away Josh bent over and picked up his boot, loosening the laces. “What are you doing?”

He glanced up at me and told me he should be going home. “It’s getting late and I have to work in the morning.”

I watched him slip his foot into his boot and I felt that if I didn’t say it now, I would end up regretting it forever. So I continued with what happened that morning, being as honest as I could be about how I felt and what happened. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” I told him.

Josh paused in tying up his boot to look at me, “What wasn’t?”

“Kissing Jordan.”

“I don’t want to hear it!” He snapped, cringing when he yanked too hard on his laces.

“It was…” I stared down at him as I tried to think of what kissing Jordan was like. “…Comfortable. Familiar. And I mistakenly thought that it could possibly be more.”

“Anna!” Josh was glaring at me now. “I don’t want to hear it!” He grabbed his other boot and rammed his foot into it.

I glanced down at the floor, seeing it wasn’t too dirty or wet, I lowered my body onto it. Scratching my forehead briefly to help me think of what happened that day, I continued my unwanted confession. “Since I didn’t push him away,” I paused. “Well I guess I somewhat invited it, he moved over me and came to rest against my body as his lips moved against mine.”

“Stop it!” Josh cried out as if he was in agony. “Just stop it,” he pleaded as he dropped to one knee before me, his right hand flat against the floor in front of him as he tried to steady himself.

I hesitated, I wanted to finish telling him but yet I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He wanted to know, I told myself. He has to know now, it’s the only way you can start to really work pass this. Or move on if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

“I won’t lie to you,” I raked both my hands through my hair as I sighed heavily. “I felt something when his body first came in contact with mine.”

Josh’s other knee dropped to the floor, his shoulders slumped. “You are killing me,” he barely whispered.

Part of me wanted to stop then but I didn’t. Maybe it was a little cruel of me but I needed him to know everything. “I started to think that maybe there was more to what I was feeling than I ever thought there could be. I never really enjoyed having guys that close to me, I always end up pushing them off or breaking away and saying something to totally kill the mood. But I didn’t with Jordan,” I watched as Josh fell back into his butt, he drew his knees up to his chest and he sat there with his arms around them, listening to me. I wanted him to turn around so that I could see the emotions as they showed on his face but he continued to face the wall.

“Which surprised me and I started to think.” I paused to see if Josh would say anything, he didn’t. “I started to think about the feelings I was having and I couldn’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt that way with a guy…”

Josh moved suddenly. For a guy that’s 6’2, I was shocked at how fast he managed to get to his feet and reach for the door knob.

I didn’t move at all. “…Except for every moment that I thought about you.”

His hand stopped half way to the door knob; he slowly turned his head towards me.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall. “Except when I thought about you,” I repeated with a little laugh. Opening my eyes, I gazed up at him. “I was kissing Jordan and the feelings I was having were only comparable to thinking about you?”

I waited a couple seconds for the words I spoke to sink into his head. I shook my head, “I stopped kissing him and he knew something changed because he pulled back and went to ask me something to me but all we heard was, ‘What doing Ama?’”

Silence settled over the room, I didn’t realize how quite Zack’s house was until that moment. I sat there on the floor wanting to sink through it because I wasn’t sure if anything I just said mattered at all.

Josh’s hand closed around the door knob.

He should've just rammed a knife into my heart, it wouldn't have hurt half as much.