Emotional Rollercoaster

I sat there on the floor gazing up at the man who for one wonderful month made me the happiest woman in the world. I couldn’t believe that I went from being embarrassed to see him, to being his girlfriend/lover and planning a future with him and then to what I was now, a woman so close to losing the best thing that ever happened to her. I wanted to cry out for him to not leave me but I sat there staring at his hand on the door knob, willing it not to grip tightly and turn.

It didn’t for the longest time.

Slowly my eyes traveled from the hand that gave me so much pleasure so many times up to his handsome face. He was standing, facing the door as if he was leaving but he had yet to turn the knob, he looked like he was fighting some battle inside, to stay or to go.

I wasn’t sure which side won as his head dropped forward, his forehead resting against the cold wood of the door.

In his moment of indecision, I found myself taking action; I got off the floor and walked over to him. Without a word, I wrapped my arms around his waist, hoping that he didn’t shove me away from him. I stood with my arms around him for a brief moment before giving him a tight squeeze, “Good night Josh,” I whispered, not really wanting this to be the end but I wasn’t sure if I had what he needed to make him stay with me any longer; I also didn’t have the energy to watch him walk out of my life again.

After I said ‘good night’ I moved away from him, turning to make my way through my brother’s basement to my room where I could die a slow and painful death all alone.

But I didn’t get as far. “Do you have any idea how hard this is for me Anna?” I slowly turned to face him; he was still standing the same way I left him. “Do you?” He asked again when I didn’t answer him.

“I know it’s hard Josh,” I made my way back over to where he was but kept a little distance just in case he didn’t want me so close. “And I know that it’s even more difficult because it’s happened to you before.”

Josh turned to face me when I said that, “Yes it has but that’s not why it’s hard Anna.”

“No?” I was surprised, I thought for sure that would be one of the main reasons it was difficult for him.

“No,” he repeated and then continued. “Sure it doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before, it doesn’t do anything at all for my self esteem but what happened with Carol is not even half as bad as what happened just over a month ago.”

That shocked the hell out of me, I didn’t think that what I did was worst than sleeping with someone else when you were still married. “I don’t understand,” I told him.

“I knew things were wrong with Carol, it wasn’t the way it should’ve been, we weren’t happy.” Josh explained. “But with you? I thought that everything was great, I was happier than I’ve ever been and I thought you were happy too.”

“I was happy Josh,” I went to take a step towards him but he held up his hands and I stopped. “Being with you was everything I thought it would be and a lot more. I love you Josh that never changed ever.”

“Yet you kissed another guy,” he stated. “A guy that you already knew I was concerned about, a guy that you told me time and time again was only a friend.” He shook his head, “And I believed you! I saw you that night we all went out, I knew you weren’t telling me the entire truth but yet I believed that there wasn’t anything going on! You lied to me, time and time again Anna!”

“I didn’t lie to you!” I snapped at him. “I told you Jordan was a friend and that we were more touchy feely than normal friends. You knew going into our relationship!”

“And that makes it right? I knew that you cared for him so you kissing him isn’t a big deal? I shouldn’t be hurt?” Josh crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. “It doesn’t work that way Anna!”

I closed my eyes; I didn’t want to fight with him. Please God, I prayed silently. Please give me the words to make this right again.

“I never said it was right Josh,” I started slowly. “I think it was pretty horrible of me to have kissed Jordan, it shouldn’t have happened but I can’t go back and change it! I wish I could!”

Josh didn’t say anything so I continued. “I know I’ve hurt you, I know that you don’t have any reason to believe me when I say it will never happen again. There’s nothing I can say to make you trust me or to stop you from walking out of my life forever.” I took a step towards him, this time he didn’t stop me. With my hand resting on his arm, I gazed up into his handsome face, a face that at the moment looked so broken.

“When I ran into you at the restaurant and you didn’t try to kill me, I thought that it was possible for us to try to work through the pain I’ve caused you.” His eyes flicked to mine, “I thought that tonight was about making a start, seeing if there was a way that you would ever let me back into your heart, your life. Wasn’t that the plan?”

Josh closed his eyes and nodded slowly, “Of course that was the plan.” He sighed, opening his eyes, “I need more time than I thought I did.”

I lowered my head, “I understand.”

“I should go,” he said after a brief silence.

I nodded without looking up at him, “Ok.”

He turned towards the door again; I closed my eyes so I didn’t see him leaving. I was listening for the door to open but when it didn’t right away, I opened my eyes and looked up at him, he was looking at me.

We stood there with our gazes locked on each other for a while before he spoke again.

“I don’t know how much time I need,” he told me. “And I know I shouldn’t ask this but…” his voice trailed off.

“But what Josh?” I hoped that he would ask for something good.

He hesitated before sighing. “It doesn’t make sense,” he frowned. “I need time to work through my feelings but yet I don’t want to not be able to see you or speak to you.”

I tried so hard not to smile, just hearing that he wanted to still see me and talk to me gave me hope that everything would be ok. “You can call or come see me if you want too Josh, no one said that you couldn’t.”

“It’ll confuse everything,” he said softly.

I nodded, “It could.”

His shoulders dropped a little, “I should go.”

I wanted to tell him he couldn’t go until he told me if he would be calling or seeing me but I didn’t.

Josh left Zach’s that night and disappeared into the darkness.

And I hoped that I would hear from him again.