Confessions At The Grillhouse

It wasn’t until Josh started to shift uncomfortably in his chair that I realized I must have taken too long to respond to what he just told me. “Anna?” He reached for my hand, holding it gently in his hand as he searched my face like he was looking for some kind of indication that I didn’t think he was crazy for not speaking.

“I…” My voice trailed off. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. On one hand I thought it was a little strange that he couldn’t talk to me at that time, I knew there was a lot we had to talk about and there was a lot going on in his life but to get there and not say a word as I brushed him off most times? How did that help at all? Hearing me say I wasn’t in the mood to talk or that I didn’t have time?

Josh sat back against his chair, sighing as he watched the expression on my face change from happy to sad and back again. I’m sure that he was wondering what I was thinking and for once, I wasn’t all that forthcoming with the information. So he sat there watching and waiting for me to sort out the thoughts in my head.

But on the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel relief that he did still want to talk to me, to hear my voice. I thought it was really sweet that he would still miss me after what I did. You don’t really deserve this guy, you know that? I frowned at that thought. Did I deserve to be loved this much? Would it still be the same between us?

It wasn’t until I saw his smiled slip when he lowered his eyes to the table that I realized I better say something out loud and stop having the conversation in my head.

“Josh…” My words failed me when his head snapped up and I saw the vulnerable look in his blue eyes. I couldn’t stop myself; I leaned in closer to him and kissed him softly on the lips. “I’m very happy that it was you, I was so hoping that it was.” I moved back from him a little, “But Josh why did you call me? Why block your number?”

Josh gave a little laugh and shrugged. “It seemed like a good idea at the time?” Closing his eyes, he shook his head and paused for a moment. “I was so mad at you that morning Anna,” his eyes opened. “It wasn’t until I got home, after Jesse calmed down enough to stop telling me that he hated me,” his voice cracked when he said that.

“I’m sorry,” I reached for his hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt either one of you.”

He nodded, “I know you didn’t, deep down I knew that. But it didn’t stop me from wanting to hate you and beating myself up for being so stupid to believe that everything you said was true.”

There probably wasn’t too much he could say that would hurt me, except that. “Josh I –”

He held up his hand to me, “I need to get this out Anna.” He took a deep breath, “I was so mad, I wanted to hate you but I couldn’t.”

I watched him for a while, he seemed to withdraw into his own thoughts and memories of what happened while we weren’t together. “Josh?” His eyes jumped to mine when I said his name. “Tell me about this last month for you?”

Josh’s shoulders slumped, he groaned as he ran a hand over his face. “It was hell,” he said simply. “I was missing you, even though I tried to tell myself it was better that way, I couldn’t help but miss you; it was like there was something missing. For the first time in my life, I started to question everything. I wondered if it wasn’t my fault, if I rushed things too much. I even questioned if I was really fit to take care of Jesse by myself, seeing that our relationship ending affected him more than I ever though it would.”

“I know it was crazy but I was thinking that maybe he was better off with Carol,” Josh shook his head, “Thankfully I didn’t do anything stupid like tell her that.”

Our appetizers came at that moment but I wasn’t really interested in the food, I wanted to hear what else was going on with Josh while we weren’t together. Josh picked up his spoon and stared at his bowl of soup. “I thought if I just heard your voice, I would be ok. I didn’t want to get into the stuff that had happened that day; I just wanted to see how you were doing, so I blocked my number and called you.” He took a spoonful of soup and held it up to his mouth, blew on it softly before slipping the spoon past his lips. “I expected you to sound like you usually did when we spoke; cheerful, excited and full of energy, so I was a little shocked when you sounded just as lost and lonely as I felt.”

I was staring down at my soup, stirring it around with my spoon. “I missed you Josh,” I sighed. “I screwed up big time and I hated myself for it. I thought if I stayed away from everyone, I wouldn’t hurt anyone again.”

Josh slipped his arm around the back of my chair and pressed his lips against my temple. “I don’t deserve you,” I gazed up into his eyes, resting my head back against his arm on my chair. “You deserve a woman who will make you happy.”

He turned his entire body towards me, “You’re right, I do.” He smiled down at me as his fingers caressed my cheek. “Anna you make me happy.”

“But I -”

“The feelings we have for each other were the main reason I was able to get through this past month. Anna,” Josh brushed my lips with his. “When my mom had her heart attack and everyone was looking to me for support, I was calling you.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me Josh?”

“I didn’t want you to know how much I missed you, how much you still meant to me. I didn’t want to hear you tell me that I missed my chance and you were happy without me. Once I realized that you weren’t happy, I thought you would be turning off by all the one sided conversations.” He gave me a lopsided smile, “I was ashamed that I was making those calls, I felt like I was an awkward teenage boy, stalking the popular girl.”

I giggled, “You felt like you were in high school all over again?”

He laughed, “I guess technically that would be right.”

“Except that you are the very handsome Coach that everyone loves and respects and I’m just a normal girl who happened to catch your attention.”

“Don’t sell yourself short Anna, you’d be surprised how many people know you and respect you.” He smiled at me, “And how shocked they were that you were giving me the time of day.”

I shook my head but didn’t say anything; I was happy, truly happy. We stayed there smiling at each other for the longest time.

Until Josh frowned, “I have something else I should tell you. I’m not sure what you are going to think but…” his voice trailed off as he leaned forward to remove his wallet from his back pocket. Pulling something out of it, he looked at me. “This is what I wanted to put on there but I chickened out at the last moment.”

I took the item he held out to me, “What is this?” I asked him.

“Open it, you’ll see.”

I hesitated, not because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know but because the second I took the battered little white envelope, I knew what was inside.

With unsteady hands, I slipped the lip of the envelope opened and tugged on the little piece of paper that rested inside. I stared at his writing on the card for the longest time but I couldn’t read it, the tears that spilled down my cheeks made it difficult to read his words but I did make out the “Happy Valentine’s Day” preprinted on the card. “I can’t…” I turned my head towards him; holding out the card in my hand. “Tell me what it says?”

Josh wrapped both arms around me and without taking the card; he told me what it said.

“Anna, despite the distance between us, you will always remain the light of my life, my whole reason for living. I miss you more and more every day. Love always, Josh.”