And There's More

I was lost in my own little world of self loathing; the things I said to myself as I cried on the floor did nothing to help my state of mind. I was so hard on myself and I hated who I was at that moment. I couldn’t understand why I repeatedly did everything I could to make him doubt me.

I wanted to run after him, to call him or go see him but those last words he spoke stopped me in my tracks every time, ‘If I could erase you…’. I couldn’t believe he said that, it was so cruel but then again, what I did wasn’t nice at all.

I felt some one’s hand on my shoulder, that’s what brought me out of my self loathing. At first I thought it was Jordan but the hand was way too small. Taking a quick look to the right, I had to smile, even though I wasn’t in the mood to smile, I had too. Jenna was kneeling on the floor next to me; she had one hand on my shoulder and the other on the floor at her side as she leaned over to her right, her little head touching the floor. She looked upset and maybe a little concerned about me.

“Owie?” She asked and I knew what she wanted. I remembered the first time she met Jesse, when she hit Hank in the face with Mister Bear.

“You can’t kiss this owie better sweetie.” I choked up just saying the word ‘sweetie’, I couldn’t believe that just like that; Jesse was out of my life too. I loved him just as much as I loved his dad, how is Josh going to explain this to him? Will he miss me? For the millionth time, I kicked myself for being so stupid.

Jenna didn’t believe me though; she seemed that every ‘owie’ could be fixed if she kissed it. “Owie?” She repeated, this time she puckered up her tiny lips, it was so cute but it made me cry even more. I sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks and I think I was scaring her, she reached for something behind me, or should I say someone. “Dada?”

“Jenna come eat your breakfast,” Jordan spoke softly, he didn’t sound like himself. When I turned to look at him, he was leaning against the door frame, his chest was pressed against the wood as he gazed down at Jenna, who was still trying to get me to show her where my ‘owie’ was. “Jenna come on, leave Anna alone.”

Jenna reluctantly got off the floor and ran over to Jordan before running back into the kitchen. Jordan didn’t move right way but it didn’t matter how long I looked at him, he couldn’t bring himself to look at me. He was still staring at the spot that Jenna just vacated when he cleared his throat, “Um Anna, I’m sorry I didn’t want that to happen.”

If he had said anything else besides that I don’t think I would’ve gotten so mad. “You didn’t?” I pushed myself off the floor and flew over to him. “What did you expect would happen Jordan?”

“I’m sorry!” He finally looked at me, his eyes full of sorrow, “I never wanted you to be hurt like this, I never wanted you to cry. Why was he here anyway?”

“I asked him to come over to help me,” I told Jordan.

“To help you what?” It was his confused look that reminded me that I didn’t tell him I was moving out. But do I even need too now? I wondered. I was only moving out because the stress of being torn between Jordan and Josh was driving me insane. Josh isn’t here now, my lips started to tremble when I had that thought. Oh God what did I do?

I felt my knees get weak again, I was about to sink to the floor again but Jordan grabbed me around the waist. “Anna please tell me what’s going on? What was Josh going to help you with?”

“Josh came by to help me pack to move…” I told him.

Jordan kind of smiled as he cut me off, “But you aren’t moving in with him, especially not now.”

“…back to Zack’s.”

It was a good thing I was gripping Jordan’s shoulders because the moment I told him I was moving into Zack’s, his arms fell to his sides and he looked like I stabbed him in the heart.

“What?”