I'll Promise If You Do

It was a strange feeling that I had as my eyes focused on the man standing off to the corner of the entrance of the Eleven Hotel that shared its parking lot with KidZone. I have no idea why what I saw bugged me, I thought it was pretty innocent…

…Until I saw his face light up as a tall, very thin dark-haired woman walked up the sidewalk towards the hotel. As quickly as he could without drawing too much attention to himself, he went to the woman stopping her at the corner of the hotel. I watched as they walked down along the side of the hotel towards the key carded guest entrance where he took out a key and swiped it. He turned to her; she said something and replied with a pretty passionate kiss on her lips. Then with his hand firmly placed on her bum, he glanced around and disappeared into the building with the woman.

My first thought, after I picked my jaw off the ground was; as much as I hate Carol, Phil has no right to be taking other woman to hotels when Carol is wearing his ring and carrying his baby!

I wanted to do something, I felt like I should do something. But what could I do? I didn’t know Carol’s number and we weren’t exactly friends so she wouldn’t believe me anyway. And I didn’t think that calling Josh and telling him would work either. He might get offended that you aren’t respecting his request for more time. Plus, if Phil is cheating, who the hell am I to rat him out? It’s not like I’m completely innocent when it comes to hurting someone I love.

So I turned and made my way towards KidZone feeling like I was helping Phil cheat. It’s a dirty feeling to have, especially when you could care less about the people involved but I felt it anyway.

I tried so hard not to let it ruin my day with the kids and I was surprised how soon I ‘forgot’ about Phil and the other woman as I chased the kids from table to game to ride game. It was probably one of the best afternoons I spend with the kids in a long, long time.

It was getting late, the kids were getting very hungry and I wasn’t about to shell out a fortune for food at KidZone, so I suggested that we all hopped in the van and headed to Dani’s Diner, a restaurant that’s living like it’s in the 50s still.

I couldn’t help but glance towards the hotel when we left KidZone but I didn’t see Phil again.

Several hours after we left Chad’s house, I pulled back into his drive with five tired but excited kids. That night I got the best sleep I’ve had in about a month, they wore me out that badly!

Sunday rolled around, I woke up in the guest room of Chad’s house and it took me a while to figure out where I was. I spent the entire day with them Sunday, at least until I had to go to work.

Work that night was a little boring, I was very grateful that we closed early because it was a Sunday.

When I got home that night, Zack was downstairs watching “The Green Mile” on TV so I sat and watched the end of it with him.

By this time, I’ll I’ve been thinking about was what I saw yesterday, I needed to tell someone, to see what I should do. “Hey Zack, do you have a minute?” I asked him as the movie credits rolled. He told me he did so I launched into the story of what I saw. “I don’t know what I should do,” I told him. “I feel that Carol should know but…” I sighed. “What do I do?”

Without stopping to think for a second Zack replied. “Nothing Anna, I want you to stay out of anything that directly involves Phil.”

“But Zack -”

“No Anna!” Zack sat up straight. “I want you to promise me that you won’t get involved with this.”

“Does this have something to do with the investigation?”

“You know I can’t talk about it Anna.”

“Well then I can’t promise I will stay out of it!” I snapped. “If Phil is doing something that will hurt Jesse or affect Josh, then I can’t just sit by and do nothing!”

“Anna,” Zack’s hand came down on my shoulder, stopping me from moving off the couch like I planned on doing. “The woman that Phil met with is known to us, we have everything under control.”

“But?” I stared at him. “There’s a ‘but’ there, isn’t there?”

Zack sighed, “We would be more comfortable if Carol and Jesse weren’t around Phil.”

“Then let her know about the cheating! She wouldn’t want to hang around then!”

“She knows Anna.”

“What?” I stared at him in disbelief. “No, how could she know and still be with him?” Zack gave me a look that told me he wasn’t going to tell me anything else but the longer I looked at him, the more I tried to figure out what was going on.

Then it hit me, “Carol is working with the department, isn’t she?”

“I’m going to bed,” Zack leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Please don’t say anything about what you saw to anyone. And for God sakes don’t do something stupid, we don’t need any complications right now.”

I promised him that I wouldn’t do anything. “Just promise me that Jesse is going to be safe.”

“I promise you Jesse will be safe and sound when this all comes down.”

Hanging With The Kids

I knew that if I didn’t from Josh by Thursday there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn’t hear from him before Sunday night at the earliest. It was hard not to be disappointed when I didn’t hear from him but I tried really hard to not let it get to me. He needs some time; he told you that, you can’t expect him to suddenly start to feel that your betrayal wasn’t so bad; even if it could’ve been a lot worse.

Thankfully work kept me busy until Saturday when I had my date with the best four year old I know. That’s right, my nephew Conner.

Since my brother didn’t say when would be a good time to go over to his place that morning, when I got up I showered and packed a bag for the night then headed in town. I debated stopping off to grab some breakfast before I went to Chad’s but I knew if I did that, they would offer me something to eat and be a little upset if I didn’t eat with them.

It was almost 11 by the time I got to my brother’s house, I was certain that everyone would have been up for hours by this time but when I knocked on their door, I realized that there didn’t look like there was a sign of life anywhere in the house; all the curtains were still closed and there wasn’t any sounds of life behind the door.

I turned and was about to head back down their front steps when I heard the click of the front door unlocking. “Hey!” I looked over my shoulder to see Chad squinting in the sunlight.

“Hi sis,” he mumbled and moved aside so I could go in. “What are you doing here?” he looked a little confused. When I reminded him that I was spending the day with Conner, he nodded slowly. “Right, I forgot that was today.” He made his way to the living room and collapsed on the couch before telling me that everyone else was still asleep.

“What? It’s almost 11, why is everyone still sleeping?” I stared at him as he rolled onto his side and faced the back of the couch. “Chad?” I frowned. “Is everything ok?”

“Just tired Anna,” I barely heard him as the couch muffled his voice. “We let the kids stay up and watch a movie last night; they didn’t settle down and go to sleep before midnight.” He groaned and turned to face me again. “It’s the last time I rent a movie for them when it’s after 8!”

We got to talking about the kids, what’s been going on since I last spoke to him and work. Chad was half asleep as he told me about Susan’s latest doctor’s appointment. “I still can’t believe that we are having another baby,” he stared at me through half closed lids. “I didn’t think that we would have any more after Conner was born, Susan said she was happy that she had a boy and a girl.”

“You don’t want another one?” I asked him, about to tell him it was way too late if that was the case.

Chad shook his head, “No, I’m really excited that we are having another baby, I just can’t believe it happened.” He paused for a moment and then laughed. “Then again, I never thought that we would be living back here again either! You have no idea how great everything has been between Susan and I since we moved.”

“You guys were having problems?”

“Well,” he sighed. “Things weren’t as great as they are now, her family was stressing her out, putting all their issues on her and she was feeling so helpless and stressed all the time. And snappy, that’s why I’m glad that we moved when we did, it’s been a lot better lately, and the kids are really happy.”

I told him that we were all glad that they were back in town, “I’m sorry I’ve been so caught up in my own problems that I haven’t been around much.”

“It’s ok Anna you are here now and that’s all that matters.” Chad gave me a smile, “And I have one little boy upstairs who has been talking about nothing but you coming over today.”

It wasn’t long after that we heard footsteps on the stairs moments before Conner poked his head into the living room. “Morning daddy,” he said sleepily as he made his way over to the couch to get up with Chad. He was lying down with his daddy before he spotted me and jumped up again. “Aunt Anna!”

Chad laughed as Conner ran over to me and hopped up with me. Conner snuggled up with me as he asked what we were doing today. “You are sleeping here tonight, right Aunt Anna?”

I told him I was and then told him I wanted to take him to KidZone, “If that’s alright with your parents.”

Chad told me it was ok with him at the same time that we heard, “That’s not fair! I want to go too!”

We all turned to see Krystal standing in the entrance of the living room in her nightshirt, she was looking at her dad with this sad, left out look on her face. “Can’t I go too daddy?” Chad told her that she had to ask Conner and me. “Can I Aunt Anna? I haven’t been there yet and I hear it’s so fun! I’ll be good and listen to you. I’ll even play with Conner! Please Aunt Anna?” She held her hands together as she gave me a pleading look.

Since Conner seemed excited that his sister wanted to play with him, I told her that she could go with us; not that I wasn’t planning on taking her too.

Sometime between the time I told Krystal she could come with us and the time we finished dinner, I ended up having more than a car load of kids to take to KidZone; somehow Conner ended up inviting Natalie along and she told her sisters where she was going so they wanted to go too.

“I don’t have that much room,” I told them when Zack showed up with the girls in tow, telling me that he was told I was taking them for the day.

“That’s ok,” Chad told me as he held out the keys to Susan’s van. “I’m sure Susan wouldn’t mind driving your car while you are entertaining her kids for the day.”

I think I was hoodwinked! My brothers both had similar grins on their faces when I pulled out of Chad’s driveway.

The drive to KidZone took about a half hour since it was in the next town. When we arrived, I gave Cassie some money for tokens and asked her to make sure her sisters and cousins got inside ok as I went to park the van.

KidZone was owned and operated by the owners of the Eleven Hotel in town, so it shared a parking lot with the hotel. I was walked from the van heading back towards KidZone when I happened to glance across the parking lot.

Who I saw as I glanced over at the entrance of the hotel made me stop short.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I sat there on the floor gazing up at the man who for one wonderful month made me the happiest woman in the world. I couldn’t believe that I went from being embarrassed to see him, to being his girlfriend/lover and planning a future with him and then to what I was now, a woman so close to losing the best thing that ever happened to her. I wanted to cry out for him to not leave me but I sat there staring at his hand on the door knob, willing it not to grip tightly and turn.

It didn’t for the longest time.

Slowly my eyes traveled from the hand that gave me so much pleasure so many times up to his handsome face. He was standing, facing the door as if he was leaving but he had yet to turn the knob, he looked like he was fighting some battle inside, to stay or to go.

I wasn’t sure which side won as his head dropped forward, his forehead resting against the cold wood of the door.

In his moment of indecision, I found myself taking action; I got off the floor and walked over to him. Without a word, I wrapped my arms around his waist, hoping that he didn’t shove me away from him. I stood with my arms around him for a brief moment before giving him a tight squeeze, “Good night Josh,” I whispered, not really wanting this to be the end but I wasn’t sure if I had what he needed to make him stay with me any longer; I also didn’t have the energy to watch him walk out of my life again.

After I said ‘good night’ I moved away from him, turning to make my way through my brother’s basement to my room where I could die a slow and painful death all alone.

But I didn’t get as far. “Do you have any idea how hard this is for me Anna?” I slowly turned to face him; he was still standing the same way I left him. “Do you?” He asked again when I didn’t answer him.

“I know it’s hard Josh,” I made my way back over to where he was but kept a little distance just in case he didn’t want me so close. “And I know that it’s even more difficult because it’s happened to you before.”

Josh turned to face me when I said that, “Yes it has but that’s not why it’s hard Anna.”

“No?” I was surprised, I thought for sure that would be one of the main reasons it was difficult for him.

“No,” he repeated and then continued. “Sure it doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before, it doesn’t do anything at all for my self esteem but what happened with Carol is not even half as bad as what happened just over a month ago.”

That shocked the hell out of me, I didn’t think that what I did was worst than sleeping with someone else when you were still married. “I don’t understand,” I told him.

“I knew things were wrong with Carol, it wasn’t the way it should’ve been, we weren’t happy.” Josh explained. “But with you? I thought that everything was great, I was happier than I’ve ever been and I thought you were happy too.”

“I was happy Josh,” I went to take a step towards him but he held up his hands and I stopped. “Being with you was everything I thought it would be and a lot more. I love you Josh that never changed ever.”

“Yet you kissed another guy,” he stated. “A guy that you already knew I was concerned about, a guy that you told me time and time again was only a friend.” He shook his head, “And I believed you! I saw you that night we all went out, I knew you weren’t telling me the entire truth but yet I believed that there wasn’t anything going on! You lied to me, time and time again Anna!”

“I didn’t lie to you!” I snapped at him. “I told you Jordan was a friend and that we were more touchy feely than normal friends. You knew going into our relationship!”

“And that makes it right? I knew that you cared for him so you kissing him isn’t a big deal? I shouldn’t be hurt?” Josh crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. “It doesn’t work that way Anna!”

I closed my eyes; I didn’t want to fight with him. Please God, I prayed silently. Please give me the words to make this right again.

“I never said it was right Josh,” I started slowly. “I think it was pretty horrible of me to have kissed Jordan, it shouldn’t have happened but I can’t go back and change it! I wish I could!”

Josh didn’t say anything so I continued. “I know I’ve hurt you, I know that you don’t have any reason to believe me when I say it will never happen again. There’s nothing I can say to make you trust me or to stop you from walking out of my life forever.” I took a step towards him, this time he didn’t stop me. With my hand resting on his arm, I gazed up into his handsome face, a face that at the moment looked so broken.

“When I ran into you at the restaurant and you didn’t try to kill me, I thought that it was possible for us to try to work through the pain I’ve caused you.” His eyes flicked to mine, “I thought that tonight was about making a start, seeing if there was a way that you would ever let me back into your heart, your life. Wasn’t that the plan?”

Josh closed his eyes and nodded slowly, “Of course that was the plan.” He sighed, opening his eyes, “I need more time than I thought I did.”

I lowered my head, “I understand.”

“I should go,” he said after a brief silence.

I nodded without looking up at him, “Ok.”

He turned towards the door again; I closed my eyes so I didn’t see him leaving. I was listening for the door to open but when it didn’t right away, I opened my eyes and looked up at him, he was looking at me.

We stood there with our gazes locked on each other for a while before he spoke again.

“I don’t know how much time I need,” he told me. “And I know I shouldn’t ask this but…” his voice trailed off.

“But what Josh?” I hoped that he would ask for something good.

He hesitated before sighing. “It doesn’t make sense,” he frowned. “I need time to work through my feelings but yet I don’t want to not be able to see you or speak to you.”

I tried so hard not to smile, just hearing that he wanted to still see me and talk to me gave me hope that everything would be ok. “You can call or come see me if you want too Josh, no one said that you couldn’t.”

“It’ll confuse everything,” he said softly.

I nodded, “It could.”

His shoulders dropped a little, “I should go.”

I wanted to tell him he couldn’t go until he told me if he would be calling or seeing me but I didn’t.

Josh left Zach’s that night and disappeared into the darkness.

And I hoped that I would hear from him again.

The God's Honest Truth

I was afraid to even breath at that moment, I thought that if I didn’t move he wouldn’t tell me that even though he loved me there was no way he could ever forgive me for what I did.

But at the same time I couldn’t believe that he just made me tell him part of the story without letting me finish. I didn’t know if it would matter to him or not the reason I stopped the kiss. Would it make any difference at all? Should I just go on with the rest of the story regardless of what he wants to say?

Josh started to speak but I stopped him. “I really think that you should let me finish,” I told him.

“No,” he shook his head. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“No?” I shook my head. “It was a good idea when I didn’t want to tell you what happened.”

Dropping his hands from my arms, Josh stepped back from me. “It was a mistake.”

A mistake? Damn right it was a mistake! The kiss should’ve never happened! When I didn’t say anything right away Josh bent over and picked up his boot, loosening the laces. “What are you doing?”

He glanced up at me and told me he should be going home. “It’s getting late and I have to work in the morning.”

I watched him slip his foot into his boot and I felt that if I didn’t say it now, I would end up regretting it forever. So I continued with what happened that morning, being as honest as I could be about how I felt and what happened. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” I told him.

Josh paused in tying up his boot to look at me, “What wasn’t?”

“Kissing Jordan.”

“I don’t want to hear it!” He snapped, cringing when he yanked too hard on his laces.

“It was…” I stared down at him as I tried to think of what kissing Jordan was like. “…Comfortable. Familiar. And I mistakenly thought that it could possibly be more.”

“Anna!” Josh was glaring at me now. “I don’t want to hear it!” He grabbed his other boot and rammed his foot into it.

I glanced down at the floor, seeing it wasn’t too dirty or wet, I lowered my body onto it. Scratching my forehead briefly to help me think of what happened that day, I continued my unwanted confession. “Since I didn’t push him away,” I paused. “Well I guess I somewhat invited it, he moved over me and came to rest against my body as his lips moved against mine.”

“Stop it!” Josh cried out as if he was in agony. “Just stop it,” he pleaded as he dropped to one knee before me, his right hand flat against the floor in front of him as he tried to steady himself.

I hesitated, I wanted to finish telling him but yet I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He wanted to know, I told myself. He has to know now, it’s the only way you can start to really work pass this. Or move on if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

“I won’t lie to you,” I raked both my hands through my hair as I sighed heavily. “I felt something when his body first came in contact with mine.”

Josh’s other knee dropped to the floor, his shoulders slumped. “You are killing me,” he barely whispered.

Part of me wanted to stop then but I didn’t. Maybe it was a little cruel of me but I needed him to know everything. “I started to think that maybe there was more to what I was feeling than I ever thought there could be. I never really enjoyed having guys that close to me, I always end up pushing them off or breaking away and saying something to totally kill the mood. But I didn’t with Jordan,” I watched as Josh fell back into his butt, he drew his knees up to his chest and he sat there with his arms around them, listening to me. I wanted him to turn around so that I could see the emotions as they showed on his face but he continued to face the wall.

“Which surprised me and I started to think.” I paused to see if Josh would say anything, he didn’t. “I started to think about the feelings I was having and I couldn’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt that way with a guy…”

Josh moved suddenly. For a guy that’s 6’2, I was shocked at how fast he managed to get to his feet and reach for the door knob.

I didn’t move at all. “…Except for every moment that I thought about you.”

His hand stopped half way to the door knob; he slowly turned his head towards me.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall. “Except when I thought about you,” I repeated with a little laugh. Opening my eyes, I gazed up at him. “I was kissing Jordan and the feelings I was having were only comparable to thinking about you?”

I waited a couple seconds for the words I spoke to sink into his head. I shook my head, “I stopped kissing him and he knew something changed because he pulled back and went to ask me something to me but all we heard was, ‘What doing Ama?’”

Silence settled over the room, I didn’t realize how quite Zack’s house was until that moment. I sat there on the floor wanting to sink through it because I wasn’t sure if anything I just said mattered at all.

Josh’s hand closed around the door knob.

He should've just rammed a knife into my heart, it wouldn't have hurt half as much.

It Didn't Mean A Thing!

So many things ran through my mind when he told me he didn’t actually see Jordan and I doing anything. My first thought was that was a complete lie, there’s no way he didn’t see it, he even said he wanted to talk about the kiss! How can he want to talk about it if he didn’t see it happen? I didn’t understand it, so I asked him about it.

“Well Jess ran on without me when we got to your house, he told me he knew where he was going and left me standing in the porch,” he gave me this sheepish look. “Like I said, I just put it together from the looks on both your faces and the fact that you were really close together, in his bed.” I asked him what exactly he saw. He hesitated for a moment and then told me I was sitting up on the bed and Jordan was kneeling in front of me. “He was back on but turned towards the door. I saw his hand resting on your thigh and I remember wanting to break his fingers before it hit me that something else was going on.”

I asked him why he wanted to know what happened. “How will it help any now? Just thinking about it…” I lowered my head. “I wish it never happened.”

“But it did,” Josh stated. “I don’t know how knowing what happen would help Anna, all I know is that knowing the truth can’t be any worst than what I’ve been picturing for the last month.” He reached out and took my hand in his. “Maybe I’m crazy but I want to know.”

I tried to tell him what happened but every time I opened my mouth, I couldn’t say the words. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I can’t.”

Josh sat there staring at me for the longest time, I wasn’t sure if he was upset at me or just thinking. I watched as the wrinkles in his forehead got deeper, that can’t be good.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m wondering if you don’t want to tell me because there’s more to it than you want to admit or if it’s because you really feel that bad about it.”

Because I feel like crap about it! I screamed in my head but I didn’t think that telling him that would clear it up in his head. “I find it hard to think about it Josh, I’ve tried to block it out but I can’t. Just the idea of telling you what happened makes me sick. Please don’t make me do it,” I pleaded with him.

My stomach fell as he got off the couch, “Maybe…” his voice trailed off as he turned to me, holding out his hand. Giving him a questioning look, I asked him what he was doing. “Come with me,” he said as I slipped my hand in his.

Josh turned around and took a step. With each step he took we moved closer and closer to my room. “Josh what are we doing?”

He didn’t answer me as he led me over to my bed, flipped on my lamp and sat down on my bed, gazing up at me. “If you can’t tell me, how about you show me?” He patted my blue and white comforter before he slid back to lie down.

“No!” I shook my head violently. “Josh that’s worst than telling you, to have to relive that all over again?”

But Josh seemed determined to find out what happened. “Well tell me,” he sat up and looked up at me expectantly.

“I kiss him Josh!” I cried out, “That’s what happened. I went to his place to pack, found my door had a new lock on it so I went to wake him to unlock it for me.” I stared down at him; I was so upset that he was making me do this. All the anger that had built up in me over the past couple months from all the pushing and pulling that came from both Jordan and Josh finally found its way to the surface. If he wanted to know what happened, then I was going to tell him!

“I went into his room, woke him up and told him I needed in my room. I didn’t plan on getting anywhere close to him, I didn’t even plan on talking to him besides to tell him I was moving back here.” I spread my arms and looked around my room. “But I wanted to trust him, I wanted things to be the way they were before, I wanted him to be my friend again. So when he told me he wouldn’t do anything, that he just wanted to talk, I believed him and I did what I’ve done for the past 23 years when ever we had something serious to talk about. I laid down on the bed with him, I didn’t lay next to him or even that close to him, I was pretty much on the edge with my arms crossed over my chest and I waited to hear what he had to say.”

“He told me he was glad I was there and that he didn’t think I would talk to him again, I told him I wasn’t going too but you…” Josh slid over to the edge of the bed and sat there not saying a word as I continued. “…convinced me that it wouldn’t be a good idea, which I would end up regretting.”

“He said he was sorry for what he did, that he knew I didn’t want him to do it. He also told me that he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t do it again, not even if I told him I wouldn’t be his friend anymore. He told me he couldn’t help how he felt,” Josh sort of rolled his eyes. “That he wanted a chance to show me how great we could be together.”

I stopped talking then.

“Then what happened?” Josh asked me, his hands were gripping the edge of the mattress as his eyes remained focused on me.

I sighed, “What do you think happened?”

Josh leaned back and sighed, “Why don’t you just tell me?”

“Fine!” I snapped. “He kissed me, he lowered his head and his lips touched mine.”

“You didn’t try to stop him?”

I wanted to tell him yes, I did and I almost did say that. “No,” I said softly. “I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Josh wasn’t looking at me now, he was staring at some spot just pass my shoulder.

“I could give you lots of excuses but it doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t stop him.”

“Why don’t you tell me those excuses?” Josh glanced at me briefly before returning to that spot on the wall. I stood there staring at him, his jaw was clenched and his hands were now balled up into fists, I wasn’t sure if I should continue. “Go on Anna; tell me why you let Jordan kiss you that morning.”

“Because I wanted him too!” I exclaimed, surprising myself and Josh at the same time. He raised a questioning brow and I continued. “I had a crush on Jordan in school,” I told him. “I wanted him to be interested in me but he never seemed to care for me that way so I didn’t say anything about it. We went on with our lives; we dated other people and continued being friends. Everyone kept saying that we were so good for each other and we should be together, even after you came into my life. No one understood why I didn’t want to be with him, especially after he told me he wanted me.”

“I didn’t believe him but part of me still wondered if there was something between us, if we could be more than friends.”

Josh had stood up at that moment; he walked out of my room. “Josh?” I called after him as I followed him through the family room and to the entrance door. “You said you wanted to know,” I grabbed his arm and moved around to stare up into his face. The look in his eyes made my blood run cold, I was almost afraid of him at that moment.

He turned his head so that he wasn’t looking at me any more; he took a moment before he turned back again. This time he didn’t look so mad, he looked hurt, his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “This was a mistake,” his voice broke. “I was hoping that you would tell me he forced you, like before but you…” He lowered his head and wiped his hand across his face. Taking a deep breath he reached for his coat. “I can’t do this right now,” he told me as tears fell from his blue eyes. “I thought I could but I’m not ready.”

“Josh…” I shook my head as my tears streamed down my face. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You made me happier than I ever thought was possible, I don’t want this…” I motioned back and forth between us. “I don’t want us to end. Please tell me it’s not over?” My hands gripped the front is his shirt, “Please tell me that you still love me and want to be with me.”

“Anna I…”

“Please Josh,” I begged as I pressed my face against his chest. “I would do anything to make this right, I will do anything you want, just please don’t write me off. Please Josh.” My tears soaked into his shirt as I held on to him, begging him to give me another chance. I kept repeating I was sorry and that I would do anything for that chance.

And for a brief moment he held me in his arms. Until he pulled himself together long enough to hold me out from his body. “Anna,” his eyes held mine. “I love you with all my heart and soul, there isn’t a moment that I don’t think of you and wish that you were by my side.”

I started to cheer up; this has to be a good thing right?

“But…”

I'll Race You

You know that feeling that you get the first time you let a man come home with you? The nervous, really excited ‘ohmygodwhatthehellamIdoing?’ feeling?

Well that’s how I felt as I turned to unlock the door. I actually took a calming breath as I turned the knob and swung the door opened. While I felt around for the light switch, I told myself I was being silly, Josh has been here how many times? And he’s been with you how many times?

But it didn’t matter how many times any of that had happened before; I still felt a little fluttery as he followed me through the doorway.

I tried really hard not to stare at him as he knelt down to untie his boots but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t believe that he was here with me, I thought if I looked away he would disappear, which was really silly but it was how I felt at the time.

Once we removed our outerwear, we made our way into the room, only to find Cassie and Lindsay playing some racing game. The way they both turned to look at me when I walked in made me wonder if they were waiting to hear how it went with Josh.

“Hello Coach,” Cassie said as she raised her brow at me. “We weren’t expecting to see you tonight.”

Lindsay elbowed her sister as she got up, “Well I think we should get to bed,” she said as she faked a yawn. “I’m sleepy.”

“What? I’m not going to bed,” Cassie gave Lindsay a dirty look. “It’s only 9:30!”

“Come on Cassie,” Lindsay reached down and tugged at Cassie’s arm. “I think I have some homework I need help with.”

I almost laughed at that, Lindsay was a straight A student, she always finished her homework when she got home from school and never needed help. Cassie was just the opposite, while she was smart she didn’t seem to put as much effort into school as Lindsay did.

“Let’s just finish this round,” Cassie said as she turned back to the TV after pulling her arm out of her sister’s grasp.

“Cass!” Lindsay snapped. “Stop being so stupid and come on! Aunt Anna wants to be alone with Coach Baker! Geeze!” Lindsay stomped towards the stairs, “Do I have to explain everything?”

I felt bad for Cassie; sometimes Lindsay said things that hurt her without even realizing it. “Lindsay,” I called out to her, she turned and looked at me. “You guys can finish your game, it’s ok.”

“No Aunt Anna, we should get ready for bed, it is a school night,” Cassie said sadly as she moved to turn off the game system.

Josh moved over to where Cassie was and picked up the controller that Lindsay abandoned. Both of my nieces watched him as he stared at the controller with more concentration than it needed. Finally he looked up, “So how does this work?”

No one said anything at first, and then both girls started to answer him at the same time. “Here I’ll show you,” Lindsay said as she sat next to him on the floor. Josh handed the controller back to her and watched carefully as she started the next round against Cassie.

Once the girls finished their race, they turned to Josh. “Do you want to try Coach?”

Josh nodded slowly as he hesitantly took the controller that Lindsay held out to him. “This button does what again?” He asked her and she answered him. “Ok,” he smiled at Cassie, “Go easy on me.”

I moved to the couch and sat behind Josh as they started to race so I could get a good view of his performance. I ended up in stitches, almost rolling on the couch as he kept falling off the track, spinning his car around and just plain getting lost. He kept asking the girls with buttons did what and laughed whenever he hit the gas instead of the brakes which caused him to crash into walls, people and objects.

It was so much fun to watch him with my nieces, he was so relaxed with them and they were with him too. It meant a lot to me, I wanted them to be able to look pass the fact that he was their teacher and see him as the great guy he was. And maybe see him as their uncle down the road, I froze when I thought that. Don’t go getting ahead of yourself, I warned myself, we still have a long way to go before we are ready for ‘I do’.

They raced a few times; with each pass of the course Josh seemed to make improvements. By the time Zack came down to tell the girls it was bed time, Josh wasn’t ramming into everything and he managed to stay on track.

The girls grumbled as they turned off the system, they didn’t want to stop they wanted to see Josh actually make it to the end of the track. “He was just starting to get good daddy,” Cassie whined as Zack motioned towards the stairs.

Both of them said good night to us and they both gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. “You’ll tell us how it went later?” Cassie asked me while she hugged me, whispering so that no one else heard her.

“Yes,” I nodded and she whispered ‘good luck’ to me and disappeared upstairs with her sister and dad.

As I turned back to Josh, he plopped next to me on the couch with this huge smile on his face. “You think they would be upset if they knew I was totally letting them win?”

I laughed, “Yeah right!”

He smiled at me, “Ok so maybe I wasn’t.” He glanced at the TV. “Do you think Jesse would like something like that? Do they have games for kids his age?”

“I’m not sure,” I told him. “I could always check it out. I know they do have games for younger kids but I don’t know how young.”

“Hmm, maybe.”

We sat there looking at each other for a few minutes.

“So?” I turned on the couch and faced him. “We should talk.”

He nodded, turning like I did. “We should.” I asked him where we should start. “Well,” he said as he ran a hand through his hair. “I think it would be best to start with Jordan and what happened that day. I didn’t see anything,” he told me.

“What?” I stared at him in disbelief. “But you,” I frowned, I was certain that he saw it.

He groaned and leaned against the couch, “I knew something happened. The look on Jesse’s face, the look on both your faces and the fact that you were…” his voice trailed off, he closed his eyes and shook his head before opening his eyes again, his expression seemed so tortured . “I kept picturing all sorts of things Anna. What actually happened? What were you doing when Jesse saw you?”

Forget About The Food

I stared up at Josh, tears were streaming down my cheeks but I didn’t care. I couldn’t begin to explain how much I had hoped that the phone calls were him but to find out that the flowers were from him too? And that he carried around the note he wanted to send with them in his wallet? I couldn’t believe how much this man still loved me after what I did, I started to feel that I didn’t deserve his love, that I wasn’t worthy of it.

“Anna tell me what you are thinking?” Josh’s blue eyes were clouded with concern. “You’ve been so quiet, it’s not normal for you.”

I laughed through my tears, “I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you love me so much Josh.”

“It has nothing to do with lucky Anna,” Josh told me between teasing kisses on my lips. “It has everything to do with the woman you are deep inside, the woman that you let yourself be when you are with me.” He kissed the tip of my nose, “And of course, it has a lot to do with how incredible you make me feel, even when you aren’t around.”

“How incredible is that?” I asked him as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

Josh didn’t get a chance to answer, our waiter came back and asked us if there was anything wrong with the food, we didn’t really eat much of the soup. “No,” Josh reassured him. “We got distracted,” he admitted, his cheek’s turning bright red.

The waiter told us that our main course would be out in a couple minutes and then he left. Josh and I agreed that we would keep the conversation less distracting through out the rest of dinner, so we talked about work, my nieces and nephew and he told me some stories about Jesse that made me laugh and want to cry at the same time. I don’t know if he realized it or not but at one point he did stop in mid story and told me he was sorry.

“I know you want to see him.”

“I do,” I told him. “But I know that you are only looking out for him, you don’t want him to get hurt again. I understand that.”

Josh nodded, “But the thing is Anna, I’m not sure if I really want to keep him away from you.” When I asked him what he meant, he sighed. “Yes Jesse was upset when he couldn’t see you like he did before but those moments when he was with you; he was a happy little kid. I want him to be happy and he loves you, probably as much as I do. I just…” his voice trailed off.

“You just what Josh? You know I won’t force the issue if you think it would be best that we saw each other without me seeing Jesse.”

“Well, the thing is, his birthday is next Saturday and I’m having a party for him. When ever I ask him what he wants for his birthday, he tells me that he wants you to be there.” Josh smiled, “You and Conner and the baby.”

I laughed, “He still calls Jenna ‘baby’?”

Josh nodded, “I tried to tell him her name was Jenna but he insists on calling her ‘baby’. I’m wondering if I should be worried he’s crushing on her?” Josh made a face, “I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that yet,” I told him.

“No,” he agreed. “Jess already told me that he was in love with you.” I laughed and asked him how he felt about that. “Well, I told him that you were my girlfriend and he couldn’t have you.” Josh grinned but then frowned a little, “He just laughed at me though, why do you suppose he laughed?”

I told him I didn’t know. “But I can promise you that you don’t have to worry about him threatening your place in my life,” I paused before adding. “I like my men older, not younger.”

“Men huh?” Josh reached out and pulled me close. “I think I could make you forget about the others.”

“What others?” I asked as his lips descended on mine.

“Exactly,” he whispered and then kissed me.

By the time we finished our dinner and got on the road it was almost 9. I wasn’t ready to end the night but I didn’t know how long he would want to stay out when he had to work in the morning. So when he turned into my brother’s drive not long after, I felt really disappointed, I had hoped that we would talk more.

Josh pulled up by the house and slipped the car into park before he turned towards me. “I had the best time tonight,” he told me. “I felt like the past month hadn’t happened.”

I told him I knew what he meant, it was surprising how easily we slipped back into the roles we had before everything happened.

“Well,” Josh turned off his car and opened his door. “I guess I should get you inside.”

I tried not to be upset that the night was over but I felt a little cheated as he walked me to the basement entrance of Zack’s house. “I had a great time,” I told him as we stood before the closed door. “It was so nice to spend time with you again.” Josh frowned. “What?” I asked him. “Did I do something wrong?”

He shook his head, “No it just sounds like you are sending me on my way when I thought we were going to talk some more?”

“Oh!” I chuckled, “I thought that you wanted to head home to bed, it is getting late for you.”

“Sometimes Anna,” he moved in close to me, his arms wrapped around my waist. “You have to go without sleep when important matters come up. I think we need to talk about the kiss, your friendship with Jordan and our expectations in this relationship.”

Confessions At The Grillhouse

It wasn’t until Josh started to shift uncomfortably in his chair that I realized I must have taken too long to respond to what he just told me. “Anna?” He reached for my hand, holding it gently in his hand as he searched my face like he was looking for some kind of indication that I didn’t think he was crazy for not speaking.

“I…” My voice trailed off. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. On one hand I thought it was a little strange that he couldn’t talk to me at that time, I knew there was a lot we had to talk about and there was a lot going on in his life but to get there and not say a word as I brushed him off most times? How did that help at all? Hearing me say I wasn’t in the mood to talk or that I didn’t have time?

Josh sat back against his chair, sighing as he watched the expression on my face change from happy to sad and back again. I’m sure that he was wondering what I was thinking and for once, I wasn’t all that forthcoming with the information. So he sat there watching and waiting for me to sort out the thoughts in my head.

But on the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel relief that he did still want to talk to me, to hear my voice. I thought it was really sweet that he would still miss me after what I did. You don’t really deserve this guy, you know that? I frowned at that thought. Did I deserve to be loved this much? Would it still be the same between us?

It wasn’t until I saw his smiled slip when he lowered his eyes to the table that I realized I better say something out loud and stop having the conversation in my head.

“Josh…” My words failed me when his head snapped up and I saw the vulnerable look in his blue eyes. I couldn’t stop myself; I leaned in closer to him and kissed him softly on the lips. “I’m very happy that it was you, I was so hoping that it was.” I moved back from him a little, “But Josh why did you call me? Why block your number?”

Josh gave a little laugh and shrugged. “It seemed like a good idea at the time?” Closing his eyes, he shook his head and paused for a moment. “I was so mad at you that morning Anna,” his eyes opened. “It wasn’t until I got home, after Jesse calmed down enough to stop telling me that he hated me,” his voice cracked when he said that.

“I’m sorry,” I reached for his hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt either one of you.”

He nodded, “I know you didn’t, deep down I knew that. But it didn’t stop me from wanting to hate you and beating myself up for being so stupid to believe that everything you said was true.”

There probably wasn’t too much he could say that would hurt me, except that. “Josh I –”

He held up his hand to me, “I need to get this out Anna.” He took a deep breath, “I was so mad, I wanted to hate you but I couldn’t.”

I watched him for a while, he seemed to withdraw into his own thoughts and memories of what happened while we weren’t together. “Josh?” His eyes jumped to mine when I said his name. “Tell me about this last month for you?”

Josh’s shoulders slumped, he groaned as he ran a hand over his face. “It was hell,” he said simply. “I was missing you, even though I tried to tell myself it was better that way, I couldn’t help but miss you; it was like there was something missing. For the first time in my life, I started to question everything. I wondered if it wasn’t my fault, if I rushed things too much. I even questioned if I was really fit to take care of Jesse by myself, seeing that our relationship ending affected him more than I ever though it would.”

“I know it was crazy but I was thinking that maybe he was better off with Carol,” Josh shook his head, “Thankfully I didn’t do anything stupid like tell her that.”

Our appetizers came at that moment but I wasn’t really interested in the food, I wanted to hear what else was going on with Josh while we weren’t together. Josh picked up his spoon and stared at his bowl of soup. “I thought if I just heard your voice, I would be ok. I didn’t want to get into the stuff that had happened that day; I just wanted to see how you were doing, so I blocked my number and called you.” He took a spoonful of soup and held it up to his mouth, blew on it softly before slipping the spoon past his lips. “I expected you to sound like you usually did when we spoke; cheerful, excited and full of energy, so I was a little shocked when you sounded just as lost and lonely as I felt.”

I was staring down at my soup, stirring it around with my spoon. “I missed you Josh,” I sighed. “I screwed up big time and I hated myself for it. I thought if I stayed away from everyone, I wouldn’t hurt anyone again.”

Josh slipped his arm around the back of my chair and pressed his lips against my temple. “I don’t deserve you,” I gazed up into his eyes, resting my head back against his arm on my chair. “You deserve a woman who will make you happy.”

He turned his entire body towards me, “You’re right, I do.” He smiled down at me as his fingers caressed my cheek. “Anna you make me happy.”

“But I -”

“The feelings we have for each other were the main reason I was able to get through this past month. Anna,” Josh brushed my lips with his. “When my mom had her heart attack and everyone was looking to me for support, I was calling you.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me Josh?”

“I didn’t want you to know how much I missed you, how much you still meant to me. I didn’t want to hear you tell me that I missed my chance and you were happy without me. Once I realized that you weren’t happy, I thought you would be turning off by all the one sided conversations.” He gave me a lopsided smile, “I was ashamed that I was making those calls, I felt like I was an awkward teenage boy, stalking the popular girl.”

I giggled, “You felt like you were in high school all over again?”

He laughed, “I guess technically that would be right.”

“Except that you are the very handsome Coach that everyone loves and respects and I’m just a normal girl who happened to catch your attention.”

“Don’t sell yourself short Anna, you’d be surprised how many people know you and respect you.” He smiled at me, “And how shocked they were that you were giving me the time of day.”

I shook my head but didn’t say anything; I was happy, truly happy. We stayed there smiling at each other for the longest time.

Until Josh frowned, “I have something else I should tell you. I’m not sure what you are going to think but…” his voice trailed off as he leaned forward to remove his wallet from his back pocket. Pulling something out of it, he looked at me. “This is what I wanted to put on there but I chickened out at the last moment.”

I took the item he held out to me, “What is this?” I asked him.

“Open it, you’ll see.”

I hesitated, not because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know but because the second I took the battered little white envelope, I knew what was inside.

With unsteady hands, I slipped the lip of the envelope opened and tugged on the little piece of paper that rested inside. I stared at his writing on the card for the longest time but I couldn’t read it, the tears that spilled down my cheeks made it difficult to read his words but I did make out the “Happy Valentine’s Day” preprinted on the card. “I can’t…” I turned my head towards him; holding out the card in my hand. “Tell me what it says?”

Josh wrapped both arms around me and without taking the card; he told me what it said.

“Anna, despite the distance between us, you will always remain the light of my life, my whole reason for living. I miss you more and more every day. Love always, Josh.”

Did You?

Josh didn’t say anything for the longest time; I was actually starting to think of things to say to change the subject. “So…ummm…” my brain failed me, I couldn’t think of anything.

“Anna,” Josh leaned to the side and grabbed my chair, dragging it around the table to his side. When I was as close as I could be, he pushed out his chair and turned towards me. “I kept telling myself that I would talk to you but the moment you said ‘hello’ I just wanted to listen to you.”

I stared at him in shock; did he just admit that he was the one who called me?

Just A Little Crush

When I got back to Chad’s house, he was home from work. We found the two of them in the basement taking advantage of being alone in the house. “Hey none of that, one baby is enough for now!” They jumped apart when I started to speak; the look on their faces was priceless.

As their kids went over to Susan to tell her about their day, Chad came over to me. “You couldn’t keep them away for a while longer?”

I shook my head, smiling. “Nope I have plans tonight and I don’t want to be late.” I told him about running into Josh and how he asked me out for dinner. “So if there’s nothing else that Susan needs my help with?” I glanced at Susan who had been listening to my conversation with Chad, I hoped that she didn’t have anything else for me; I wanted to go so badly.

“No I think we can leave the rest until tomorrow when you come over,’ she smiled at me.

“But I wasn’t coming over….oh” I realized what she meant. “Yes, we can finish it tomorrow!”

I started to get ready to go, I had my jacket and boots on, I was just waiting for my nieces to say their ‘good byes’ when I felt a tug on my jacket. “Aunt Anna?” I looked down at Conner; he was staring up at me with a hopeful look on his face. He showed me his truck, “Are we going to play now?”

“Oh honey,” I squat down in front of him. “I have a date tonight with Josh.” Conner lowered his head and sighed. “But I’ll tell you what,” I lifted his chin up so he could see me again. “I’m off work all day Saturday; I could come over and play with you then!”

Conner gave me a weak smile, “Can I go to your house?”

“Well I live with uncle Zack now Conner, so I’m not sure but I’ll ask him, if it’s alright with our parents that is.”

“Daddy can I go to Uncle Zack’s Saturday with Aunt Anna?” Conner runs over to Chad to wait for his reply.

My brother tells him he’ll have to see and check with Zack to see if it’s ok. “Maybe Aunt Anna would like to come over here for the night?” Chad raised a brow in my direction.

“Yeah!” Conner runs back over to me, throwing his arms around me. “Aunt Anna we have a sleep over?”

I told Conner that it sounded like a great idea, “We haven’t done that in forever.” He agreed and then rattled on about all the things we could do when I slept over.

It took about ten minutes to get him to calm down enough so that I could leave, so by the time I got to Zack’s I was frantic. The girls followed me to my room; they wanted to help me get ready for my date. They were sitting on my bed when I got out of the shower; they had picked out a couple outfits for me to try for my date. They watched me as I was running around trying to figure out which one to wear and wondering if I was going to be late meeting Josh.

“Aunt Anna!” Cassie jumped off my bed and grabbed me by the arms. “Calm down! It’s not like it’s the first date you ever had with Coach Baker!”

I stared at her for a moment, “Actually it kind of is.” I went on to tell her that Josh and I didn’t really go out that much when we were seeing each other before. She asked me what we did all the time and then told me she didn’t want to know. I laughed, “Cassie it wasn’t always like that, Josh and I just spent a lot of time at his place or mine. We work opposite shifts so he was half asleep by the time I got off work.”

“That’s no excuse!” Cassie stated. “There still should’ve been times when you to had days off together, I know you had days off on the weekends and he is always off on the weekends!”

“Yes but Josh has a little boy who comes to stay with him on the weekends, he tried to spend as much time with Jess as he could. And I don’t blame him!”

“Oh” Cassie sighed. “I forgot about his son.” She went on and said she didn’t know how I could date a guy with a child, “Especially when there was a single guy living under the same roof!”

“Jordan has a daughter and besides, I don’t feel that way about him.”

“I don’t know why,” Cassie sat back down on the bed. “He’s a great guy.”

“I know he is Cassie but he’s not the guy for me.” I turned to my other two nieces, who were giggling as we were talking. “What’s so funny you two?”

Through her giggles Natalie said, “Cassie loves Jordan!”

“I do not!” Cassie picked up my pillow and hit Natalie with it. “I have a boyfriend!”

“You do too!” Natalie cried out from the fetal position that she curled up in when Cassie started to hit her with the pillow. “It says so in your diary, you think Jordan is so dreamy and you wonder if he would ever think of you as anyone but Aunt Anna’s niece! You want to kiss him!”

“Natalie!” Cassie shrieked as her face turned bright red. “I’m telling mom on you! You know you aren’t supposed to go into my room and go through my private stuff!” Cassie took off out of my room and Natalie ran after her, begging her not to tell their parents.

I don’t know why, but I was a little shocked to find out that Cassie thought of Jordan like that. I turned back to Lindsay, who had said nothing during the little thing between her sisters. “So it’s true? Cassie does have a thing for Jordan?” Lindsay nodded. “Huh,” I tried to wrap my head around the idea of the two of them but I couldn’t. “You dad would freak if he found out.”

Again Lindsay nodded and added. “I don’t think Cassie really likes him though.” When I asked her what she meant she went on to tell me that she believes that Cassie only thinks she’s in love with him because she sees how he is with me. “She looks up to you Aunt Anna, she was so happy when she heard you were coming home, you’d think that you were her long lost sister or something.” There was a little bit of resentment in Lindsay’s voice, something I never heard before.

“Are you upset with me Lindsay?”

She stared at me as if she was trying to figure out the answer to that question. “No,” she said slowly. “I just feel left out some times when you are around, they seem to forget I exist.” She shrugged, “I guess it’s only natural, you are more fun than I am.”

I wanted to tell her that she was fun, I tried to think of examples where we did stuff together and had a blast but every time I thought of something the other girls were involved too. “I haven’t spent that much time with you,” I was shocked, I didn’t realize it before. And I was ashamed too, how could I forget one of my nieces like that?

She shrugged again, “It’s ok Aunt Anna I don’t really need that much attention, I know you love me.”

“I do,” I told her. “But we should do stuff together too. And we will,” I smiled at her. “I promise you we’ll do something, just the two of us ok?”

A huge smile spread across Lindsay’s face. “Really? Without Cassie or Natalie?” I nodded. “Oh Aunt Anna!” She threw her arms around me and hugged me. “I can’t wait!”

I told her that we would make plans tomorrow for one day soon, “But first, would you mind helping me choose an outfit? I have to get going before Josh thinks I’m standing him up!” It took only a couple minutes to choose a pair of soft burgundy jeans and a cream colored top to go with it.

I was dressed and heading for the door when Zack called down the stairs that I was wanted on the phone, when I told him I was about to go out, he told me it was Josh.

Lindsay gave me this look when I glanced at her, “I’m sure everything is ok,” she told me as I raced for the phone.

“Hey Josh?” I was a little breathless as I held the phone to my ear.

“Hello Anna,” he sounded a little distracted so I asked him if everything was ok. “Oh yeah, I’m just driving.”

“Driving? Where are you going?”

“There has been a tiny change in plans,” he said.

My heart sank as I sat down on my bed. “What change in plans?” I looked up to see my other two nieces come into my room, all three of them looked sad, like they were thinking he was canceling on me.

“Well, I’m on my way to get you right now; I managed to get us reservations at The Grillhouse for tonight.”

“The Grillhouse?” I gasped, not only was the Grillhouse the best place to eat in the world and very expensive; it was also the hardest place to get reservations for. I was a little shocked that he would want to take me there when we hadn’t even talked about our future.

“Yes honey, you don’t mind going there, do you? We could do something else if you want.”

“Of course I want to go there! I’m just shocked, that’s all.”

He laughed, “Well I wasn’t expecting to get reservations but it seems that I know someone who can pull some strings for me. So I’ll be at the house in ten minutes, will you be ready?”

I told him I would be and we said bye. I hung up the phone; my nieces were all talking very excitedly about where we were going and then they told me that there was no way I could wear what I had on to this restaurant.

By the time Josh got to Zack’s, I had changed my outfit three different times before the girls settled on a black ankle length flower print skirt and a form fitting burgundy shirt. I was worried I would be cold but they told me that’s why Josh was there.

We arrived at the restaurant shortly after 6 and were seated right away, it seemed that the staff was honored to have Josh as a patron that evening; we found out later that the owner of the restaurant was the uncle of one of Josh’s star players.

After we ordered our appetizers, Josh took my hand in his. “I know we still have to talk about everything that went on but I want you to know that I missed you so much, there’s pretty much nothing that will change the fact that I want us to be together again.”

I told him that I felt the same way, “But I have a question for you and I want you to answer it honestly, ok?”

He nodded, “Of course I’ll answer honestly. What’s on your mind honey?”

I took a moment to think about what I wanted to say. When I had the question straight in my head, I took a deep breath. “I received a bunch of ‘blocked calls’ while we weren’t talking,” I told him and his eyes left mine for a second. “I wasn’t sure who it could be but the other night I think I figured it out.” He raised a brow and I continued. “Your number has always showed up when you called me before but the other night when you called it said ‘blocked call’,” I’m not sure what kind of reaction I expected him to have but just sitting there listening to me wasn’t it, I knew that. I felt a little stupid but I continued on anyway. “Were you the one calling me and not speaking for the last month?”

Boxes, Vans and Surprises

Josh called me Monday night while I was at work and we spoke for a few minutes before my break was over. He called me again on Tuesday but I was already done with my break so I didn’t get the message until I was finished work. I wanted to call him then but I wasn’t sure if he still would be up, so I didn’t.

He called me about ten minutes after I got home; we spoke for a few minutes. He wanted to know if I wanted to go out the next night or just stay in. I told him that it would probably be best if we were some where that we could talk. He told me I was right, we hung up not long after.

Wednesday I spent most of my time at Chad’s house with Susan, she asked me to come over and help her do some decorating in their house. It was officially the first real visit I made to my brother’s house since he moved back to town; I was a little ashamed of myself for that.

Around 3pm, Susan asked me to take their van and go pick up the kids for her. “I just want to finish going through these boxes before they get home,” she told me. Since I wasn’t really helping that much with the boxes, I jumped at the chance to get out.

It was a little weird driving their van but Susan insisted on it since the kids would be looking for it and not my car. “Oh!” Susan exclaimed, “I promised Mary I would pick the girls up too! I totally forgot about that. Mary has an appointment at…” Susan looked up at me. “Well you know.” I nodded, I did know, Mary had an appointment

I arrived at the parent-child center where Conner was attending a few preschool classes every week; he was waiting on the sidewalk with a bunch of other kids. When he saw the van pull up, he looked so happy. When he saw me get out of the van, he paused slightly.

“Aunt Anna!” He started to run towards me, his backpack slipping down his arms as he moved. “I missed you!” He told me when he leaped into my arms. “Are you coming to my house to play with me?”

As I helped him into the van, I told him that I was already at his house. “I’ve been there all morning waiting for you!”

He giggled, “Aunt Anna, I have school now.” Conner looked so cute as he gave me a ‘you should know that’ look; I couldn’t help it as I leaned in and gave him a kiss. “Ewww Aunt Anna!” He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand.

Shaking my head, I slid the door closed and jumped in so we could go to the elementary school to get Krystal and Natalie. The girls were surprised to see me driving the van. “Is mommy ok?” Krystal asked as she pulled her seat beat around and snapped it into place.

“Yes,” I told her as we pulled onto the road and headed for the high school. “Your mom is just in the middle of going through boxes, she wanted to finish so she could spend the whole night with her favorite children.”

That comment lead to Conner and Krystal arguing over who their mom loved the most. “Mommy loves me more because I help her out!” Krystal crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Conner.

“No Krys, mommy loves me more because I’m her little man!” Conner stuck out his tongue at his sister.

Meanwhile Natalie, who was quiet all this time, finally said something. “Your mom loves you both the same, right Aunt Anna? That’s what my mom says.”

I nodded, “That’s right Natalie.”

When I pulled into a parking spot at the high school I didn’t see either Cassie or Lindsay outside the school. But I did spot Josh as he watched over the kids as they left the school. “Umm,” I glanced at the kids in the back. “I’m going to see if Cassie and Lindsay are on their way, I won’t be long!”

I felt a little weird about leaving them in the van by themselves but I told myself I wouldn’t be long and I kept an eye on the van as I made my way down the sidewalk towards the school.

Josh was side on to me as I approached him so he didn’t see me coming. I wanted to do something crazy like jump him but I knew that he wouldn’t like that, seeing the number of times he told me that he wanted to keep work from his personal life, so I had to be satisfied with just talking to him.

“Did you happen to see two teenage girls who happen to be related to me?” I asked as I stood beside him. I know it sounded stupid but I didn’t care, he turned to me that was all I cared about.

“Not in the last couple minutes,” he smiled at me. “What are you doing here? Couldn’t wait until later?” He sounded a little hopeful when he said that.

I nodded and smiled up at him. “Who could blame me though? I have plans with the hottest man in the world.”

Josh chuckled, “Oh? Blowing me off?”

“No!” I scoffed, slapping his arm. “You know I was talking about you!”

He was looking at a group of kids at the bottom of the steps, so he didn’t say anything right away. “I know,” he said once the kids had moved on. “I have something to tell you though, about tonight.”

“What?” I frowned; I was hoping he wasn’t breaking our plans.

“I –”

“Aunt Anna?” Cassie and Lindsay came running over to us. “Where is Aunt Susan? Did something happen to the baby? Is every thing ok?”

I explained to the girls how Susan asked me to pick them all up and bring them back to her house. Looking at Josh, I sighed. “I guess I should get going before Susan starts to worry.” I started to walk away when Josh grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me back along side him, I was facing away from him and he was still watching the kids as they left the school. But his arm was around my waist.

“Before the girls came over I was going to tell you,” he spoke softly against my ear. “I ended up canceling practice today, so as soon as everyone is gone, I’m going home.”

I turned to look up at him, “Really?” I gasped.

He smiled, “Yes really. I have to go home and shower but I would love it if you were able to go out to dinner with me tonight as well.”

“Yes!” I exclaimed, I was really excited about spending more time with him than I thought I would.

A couple kids that were standing around, turned to see what was going on, Josh turned a little red when he saw their curious looks but he didn’t drop his arm from around my waist. “So I’ll pick you up at Chad’s?”

I shook my head, “I have to go home to change and stuff. How about I meet you?”

We made plans for me to meet him at his place by 5 and from there we would go out for dinner and then we would talk about where we were going from there.

I couldn't wait, I was determined to find out once and for all if he was the one who was calling and not talking. And if he was the one who sent me the flowers on Valentine's Day.

Reconnecting With My BFF

I woke up Monday morning feeling really great. At first I wasn’t sure why I felt so great then slowly I started to remember everything that happened the day before. I couldn’t believe that in less than 24 hours, I managed to get talking to the two most important guys in my life and things seemed to be going my way.

The only thing that I was confused about was my late night realization. Why has Josh been calling me and blocking his number? Why didn’t he speak to me in all the calls that he made to me over the past month? There were a few million more ‘whys’ but I wasn’t able to answer them myself. I decided that the next time I spoke to him I would bring those questions up.

I stayed in bed, just laying there staring at the ceiling as I smiled and daydreamt about Josh. I was excited that he was giving me another chance; at least I hope that’s what he’s doing. I know he said he wanted to talk but some of the things he has said seem to point to him wanting to try again. I won’t screw up this time!

It was about 20 minutes later when I heard Jordan walking around out in the kitchen, so I decided that I would get up. Pulling on a sweat shirt over my pj top, I headed out of my old room.

When I got to the kitchen Jordan was standing at the counter pouring milk on his cereal, same old routine, I smiled. He turned from the counter to put the milk back in the fridge and caught me smiling at him.

“Good morning,” he smiled and continued what he was doing. “You know where everything is; feel free to get yourself something to eat.”

While he took his bowl and sat at the table, I headed over to the counter and pulled out the toaster so I could make myself PB&J on toasted bread.

In between mouthfuls of fruit loops Jordan filled me in on some of the things he had been up to in the last month. “I took Jenna over to see my mother,” he told me.

I stopped what I was doing and turned towards him. I wanted to ask him if his dad was there and if he was an ass but I just asked, “How did that go?”

He took a deep breath and shrugged, “Mom loved Jenna, and she couldn’t get over how much she looked like me. Jenna was thrilled to have someone new to impress and bring under her spell.” Jordan laughed, “She’s so funny Anna, and she just does these things that make me laugh all the time. Like the other day,” Jordan went on to tell me a story about Jenna trying to help him with her room; I didn’t really think it was all that funny but I gave a little laugh anyway. “I guess you had to be there,” he said finally, taking another mouthful of cereal.

“Probably,” I told him as I sat down at the table. “So I take it Heather is letting you have Jenna over nights?”

He nodded, “Yeah. At first she didn’t really want too, she was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle her by myself.” I lowered my head; I knew that Heather was only letting him have her overnight before because I was there. “But with Hank’s help, I was able to convince her to give me a chance and I promised I would call her if I had any problems. I guess I did ok, Jenna was as happy when I returned her to Heather as she was when I picked her up.”

“That’s great Jordy!” I beamed at him; I was so happy that he was fitting into the ‘daddy’ role better than he ever thought he would. “Heather and Hank are still together?”

“Yes they are.”

“How do you feel about that?” I knew that he still had feelings for Heather, so I wasn’t sure if anything had happened while I wasn’t around.

“Hank’s a good guy; he stepped up and took care of both Heather and Jenna. Jenna loves him and since he seems to be on my side when I ask Heather for time with Jenna, there’s not really anything bad I can say about the guy.” Jordan stared at me for a moment. “He asked about you the other day, said he hadn’t been in lately and was wondering how you were doing.”

“I noticed he wasn’t around much, I used to see him all the time with Jenna when they waited for Heather to be done work.” To tell the truth, I was kind of hoping that I still would’ve ran into Hank, at least that way I would’ve known some of what was going on when Jordan and I weren’t talking.

Jordan nodded, “Yeah that’s my fault.” I frowned and he explained. “Now that I go over there after work to spend time with Jenna, Hank is able to do some things that he wants while Heather is at work.”

“Oh, there for a moment I thought you were going to say you told him to stay away from me!” I laughed.

“I didn’t tell Heather or Hank that we weren’t talking,” Jordan glanced at the left over milk in his bowl. “I actually didn’t tell anyone that we weren’t talking, besides Bella because she asked what was going on.”

“What?” I found that a little hard to believe. “Didn’t anyone notice that I wasn’t around here anymore?”

Jordan shook his head and I started to feel a little upset that no one noticed. “Then again, I didn’t have anyone over and when anyone asked, I told them you were busy doing your own thing.” He looked up at me, “I didn’t think that it would last as long as it did. I thought for sure that you would call me a couple days after you left.” Jordan sighed, “It wasn’t until a couple days after you left, when you didn’t call me that I realized just how badly I screwed up Anna.”

“Jordan,” I reach out and put my hand on his arm. “You weren’t the only one who screwed up; I didn’t help matters at all.”

“No,” he shook his head. “You didn’t but I took things way too far. If I were you I wouldn’t even be talking to me now.”

“Well it’s a good thing you aren’t me!” I smiled at him. “I am glad that we are friends again Jordy, I really missed having you to talk too.”

Jordan grinned, “I really missed you too.”

Take The Good With The Bad

I felt this crushing sense of disappointment when he asked me where I thought I was going to sleep. I can’t do this, I thought to myself. There’s no way I can ever share a bed with him again, it’s just not worth risking any potential relationship with Josh.

“Jordan I can’t sleep there,” I met his gaze. “I just can’t.”

The crease between his brows deepened as he seemed to frown harder. “What do you mean you can’t? You’ve slept there for the last couple years, why can’t you now?”

“Couple years?” I shook my head, I was so confused. “What are you talking about?”

Jordan stepped pass me, I turned to watch him as he walked towards my old room. He opened the door and flipped on the light. Everything was the same as I left it, except for the bed that was in the guest room. “Why can’t you sleep here?” He asked me, looking around inside the room.

I could feel my cheeks getting really hot, “No reason,” I mumbled. “Thanks,” I tried to walk into the room but he stopped me.

“You know Anna, I may like for you to share my bed but I’m not stupid enough to tell you that you are sleeping with me. “

“Jordan,” my face got even warmer. “I didn’t know you moved the bed in here, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “There are a lot of things that have happened in the past month that you don’t know. But,” He gave me a smile, “You are back, we are friends again and it’s only a matter of time before I talk your ear off about everything.”

“I can’t wait,” I told him. “I really can’t but I need to get some sleep.”

Jordan told me that he should be getting to bed too. “I guess I do have to work tomorrow,” he joked. “But hey, maybe we can get together some time soon and catch up?”

I told him that would be nice. “Good night Jordy,” I gave him a hug.

“Good night Babe,” he kissed my cheek before turning to head into his room.

I went to bed that night feeling really great about my friendship with Jordan and I started to think about how things would work out with Josh now. I know that we are defiantly going to have to take things slow this time; I don’t want to have to go through this ‘separation’ thing again. I don’t want to get so lost in what’s going on and miss out on the important things.

About an hour after I said goodnight to Jordan, I was just getting to the point where the pain had lessened enough to get comfortable. I was half asleep when my cell phone rang; I rolled over and answered it, not really looking that hard to see who it was.

“Hey Anna.” It was Josh.

Sitting up, I smiled. “Hey Josh, it’s so good to hear your voice.”

We made small talk for a few minutes before he got to the reason he called. “So how did your dinner go with Jordan?” He seemed to be a little hesitant when he asked.

“Great!” I exclaimed. “We talked, we argued, we had a moment and now we are friends again.”

“Had a moment?”

“Mmhmm,” I cringed as pain stabbed through my side.

“What does that mean?”

Starting from the beginning when I showed up at Jordan’s door, I told Josh how the night went. When I got to Jordan asking about the ‘losing my best friend and the man of my dreams’ and the conversation that followed, I could hear a little sigh of relief come through the line. And even though I didn’t need too I went on and told him about the reason of the night, including the whole ‘feminine’ thing and Jordan’s thoughtfulness.

“Ok, I didn’t really need to know that part Anna,” he said with a nervous chuckle.

I laughed, “I know but if I’m going to tell you everything, then I’m going to tell you everything!”

“I do appreciate that honey but it’s ok to edit some things out from time to time.”

I told him I’d remember that for next time. “So?”

He was silent for a while. “So what? What’s on your mind?”

“Well,” I hesitated briefly. “I was wondering when we were going to had the talk we need to have?” I wanted to get the talk with him out of the way because I wasn’t so sure it would be a good one. I mean, I knew that he seemed ok when I saw him at the restaurant but I didn’t think that he was showing me everything. I still think that there is a lot that he wants to say and that there maybe some things that I won’t like. I guess I was still nervous that he would say that he wasn’t that in love with me after all or that he couldn’t forgive me for what I did with Jordan. “Josh?” He hadn’t answered me. “You did want to talk still right?”

“Of course,” he replied. “I was just thinking about something. Umm, what nights are you off this week?” I told him I was off on Wednesday and then again on Saturday. “Hmm Saturday isn’t a good time and I believe I’m at the school until 7 on Wednesday.”

Without thinking I asked, “Why isn’t Saturday a good time?”

“I have Jesse on the weekends Anna, you know that.”

I almost told him that wouldn’t be a problem when I had a thought that I didn’t stop myself from saying in time, “You don’t want me to be around him anymore?”

Josh sighed, “No Anna it’s not that at all. I just have to think about his wellbeing. When we left your place that morning, he was heartbroken he didn’t understand what was going on all he knew was that I was upset with you; he cried the whole weekend Anna. Every time that I spoke to him since then and when he visited he kept asking for you; he wanted to know when you were going to come see him and when I told him you weren’t going to be coming over anymore, he wanted to know why you didn’t love him.” Josh took a deep breath, “He cried all the time Anna, he missed you so much and he thought you stopped coming around because he was a bad boy. It didn’t matter what I told him, he kept saying it was his fault. I can’t have that happen again Anna; I can’t put him through that again.”

I felt like crap, I knew that Jesse was attached to me and I knew that he wouldn’t take our break up that easily. “I’m sorry Josh; I didn’t mean to hurt you or Jesse.”

“I know you didn’t Anna but you did all the same.”

I went to tell him I was sorry again but I knew that wouldn’t change what happened. “So it will be a while before you feel comfortable having me around him again?”

“Yes,” Josh told me without hesitation. “While we are working things out between us, I think it would be best for Jesse to not be around you.” He groaned, “God I feel like I’m being a bad guy by saying that, but I just don’t want him to get his hopes up again.”

Even though it hurt, I knew what Josh was saying was the right thing to do. “I understand Josh, I really do.”

“So if you want, we can get together after I’m done work on Wednesday.”

“Yeah, that would be great.” I tried to sound happy but I was still disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see Jesse and truly be a part of Josh’s life.

We spoke for a few more minutes before he started to yawn and said that he had to get some sleep.

Once I hung up the phone, I rolled back over and started to fall asleep.

It was about 3 in the morning when I woke up suddenly. My eyes just popped open; I sat up straight in bed…

The caller ID said ‘blocked call’!

The Birds And The Bees

It felt different as I sat on the couch with Jordan after our little ‘talk’, he wasn’t acting any different than he ever did, he still sat with his arm around me and still said these totally stupid things to make me laugh but it still felt different. Because it’s the way it was, not the way it has been for the last couple months. I smiled; I was glad that it went this way. I couldn’t have been happier at that moment.

But I felt a little off, not because of anything that was going on with anyone; I had this stabbing pain in my left side. I shifted a couple times, trying to make the pain go away but it wouldn’t.

“Babe what’s wrong?” Jordan turned to me, concern written all over his face.

“Nothing,” I told him as I excused myself. I silently cursed as I made my way down the hall towards the bathroom. It had been so long since I last had one, that I was so certain that I was pregnant. I didn’t check for sure because I was afraid of how I would react if I wasn’t and Josh wasn’t in the picture. My heart sunk as I sat in the bathroom and saw all the evidence I needed to know that this month I wasn’t going to be a mommy.

Even though I knew it was probably for the best, I started to cry. I wondered if I was ever going to get pregnant, Josh and I never used protection, why didn’t I ‘get caught’? It wasn’t that I wanted to be pregnant without being in a secure and happy relationship with him but I could help feeling upset. And I knew that was crazy.

“Anna?” Jordan’s voice called softly through the door. “Are you ok? I hear you crying.”

Sniffing, I told him I was ok. “Jordy can you go and get my bag from the car?” I still had the overnight bag packed that I used when I lived there. I was going to take it out a couple weeks ago but now I was glad that I didn’t, I needed to get cleaned up.

Stripping off all my clothes, I grabbed a couple towels from the closet and waited for Jordan to come back with my bag. As I waited, I reached for the handle of the second drawer where I used to keep all my ‘feminine’ products when I lived there; I forgot to take them when I moved out. Pulling it open, I stared in shock at the bottom of the empty drawer. NO! I damn near started to cry again, I knew I didn’t have anything in my bag, I wasn’t expecting this today.

When Jordan knocked on the door again, I quickly wrapped a towel around me before I opened it. “What are you doing?” He asked as he handed me my bag, his eyes had focused on the towel around me.

“Is it ok if I take a shower?” I asked him, not really caring if he said no.

He nodded, “Sure it’s…” his voice trailed off as he spotted the opened drawer. “Umm,” he coughed, turning a little red. “Try the far back corner of the cabinet,” he barely managed to say before he spun around and almost ran down the hall.

Laughing, I closed the door and checked inside the cabinet, all my stuff was back where he said it would be. I couldn’t believe that he kept it all, it was actually a little strange but I was so happy I wasn’t about to get freaked out by it, but boy am I going to have fun bugging him about this one!

Dropping the towel onto the laundry hamper, I stepped into the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain across. Once the water was at the desired temperature, I pulled the button to turn on the spray of the shower. As the hot water poured down over my body, I picked up Jordan’s shampoo and squeezed a small amount into the palm of my hand before bringing my hands to my head to massage the shampoo into my hair.

With my hair all soapy, I bent over and picked up his soap, giving it a quick sniff hoping that it wasn’t too ‘manly’ smelling but I was out of luck, it was totally ‘manly’ smelling. Oh well, I thought as I lathered up my facecloth with his soap, beggars can’t be choosers. Next time make sure you have the essentials in your bag! I closed my eyes and started to rub the cloth over my arms and chest, I couldn’t stop from giggling when you are going to smell like him jumped into my mind.

When I finished soaping myself up, I stood under the hot spray and let the water remove all the soap out of my hair and off my body. Finally I picked up his conditioner and worked some of that into my hair and then stood under the spray one last time.

Turning off the water, I rung as much water out of my hair as I could before I pulled back the shower curtain and grabbed a towel to wrap around my hair; the towel that I draped across the laundry hamper, I now picked up and begun to dry my body off before stepping out of the bathtub onto the mat on the floor.

About ten minutes later, after getting dressed and pulling my hair back into a ponytail, I made my way back out to the living room, feeling so much better – except for the cramping pain in my pelvis.

Jordan wasn’t in the living room when I got there, I was going to go and find him when he called out and told me to sit down, he’d be right in. “Maybe pick a movie or something,” he told me.

I happened to glance at the time, it was almost nine, and I thought I should get going but I didn’t want the night to end, it had been so long since Jordan and I were able to spend time together without fighting. So I did what he asked, I picked out a movie and set up the DVD player for when he came back into the room.

When he came in, he handed me something before he sat down, it was very warm to the touch and squishy. “I thought you might need it,” he told me simply when I raised a brow at the hot water bottle I held in my hand.

I couldn’t hide my smile, I was touched that he remembered and I told him that. He groaned, “Good lord Anna, I’ve lived with you for a couple years, I had to deal with you every month, it’s not like I could forget!”

“Still,” I pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheek. “Thank you,” I laid back against the couch and curled up with the hot water bottle.

“You’re welcome,” he told me as he pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, draped it over me and then took his seat at the other end of the couch, half a foot away from my feet. “Now, how about we watch that movie?”

We spent the next hour and a half watching Shrek for the billionth time since he bought it. By the time the movie was over, I was half falling asleep. “Why don’t you go to bed?” He asked me as I jumped from nodding off again.

I nodded sleepily, “I think that’s a good idea.” I got off the couch and wandered down the hall towards the guest room, I took my bed when I moved out so I knew there was no point in going in my old room. But when I opened the door, I was shocked to see that the guest room was no longer that, it was now a little girl’s room. “Jordy?”

“What?” He flipped off the lights out in the kitchen and then came down to stand next to me, “Oh yeah,” he smiled. “I guess you didn’t know I was turning the guest room into a room for Jenna.”

“That’s great Jordan,” I meant it too, it was. “But where am I supposed to sleep?”

“Where are you supposed to…?” Jordan looked down at me and frowned, “Where do you think?”

If Now Was Then Would It Still Be The Same?

Jordan and I sat together on the couch, neither one of us really said anything; I was trying to figure out exactly what it was I wanted to say to him. Well, what do you want? I asked myself. Once you know what you want it’s easy to tell him what you expect from him. So what do you want?

When I turned to look at him, he lifted his head from my shoulder, staring back at me with a content smile on his face. Closing my eyes, I turned my head back again I want things to be like they used to be with us, I don’t want to fight with him all the time, I want… I sighed; I wanted my best friend back. But will it ever be the same?

“Babe what’s wrong?” Jordan nudged my shoulder with his chin, “Come on tell me what’s on your mind.”

Sighing once more, I turned to him again, he still had that smile on his face but there was an underlining of concern in his green eyes.

“Do you know why I came over here today?” I asked him, I wanted to know what he thought I was here for, that would make it easier to figure out where to go after that.

“You missed me so much that you couldn’t take it anymore,” he said with a smile. “You didn’t realize how much you missed me though, until you saw me and I was respecting your wishes and keeping my distance.”

When I didn’t say anything, he sighed. “You want to be friends again, you have missed me but it’s only because you miss having someone to be stupid with.”

His words sounded so familiar, I don’t know why it surprised me, but it did. “You’ve been talking about me with Cassie! She’s been telling you everything, hasn’t she?” I jumped off the couch and stared down at him. “What else has she told you? How could you use my niece like that?”

“Whoa!” Jordan jumped up next to me. “First of all, I didn’t use Cassie for anything! She started to call me after you moved back home, she told me how miserable and self centered you were being.” I started to say something but he stopped me. “Those were her words, not mine! She was mad that you refused to talk to her about what was going on, she felt that you didn’t trust her and she wanted to help you.”

“What did you tell her?” I demanded.

“I didn’t tell her anything,” he told me calmly. “I told her that she would have to try to talk to you and find out what was going on. I told her that you wouldn’t be happy when you found out that she was calling me. She told me that she didn’t think it was fair that I wasn’t able to come over when I was damn near family.”

“She told you I was coming over, didn’t she?” He nodded, “I can’t believe this!” I laughed, “My own niece stabbing me in the back like this? What the hell happened to family loyalty?” I turned towards the window and stared out. “How could she do that?”

“Come on Anna,” Jordan came up behind me, “Cassie didn’t betray you, she didn’t stab you in the back either; she was just trying to help you out. She told me that you were unhappy, she said she wanted to help make you happy again, she wanted me to go over and make you talk to me again because she was so certain that would make get you back to your old self.”

I spun around to face him, “I was heart broken Jordan! I lost my best friend and the man of my dreams the same day.” Jordan raised a brow; he seemed a little surprised by something. “What?” I asked him, not sure what his problem was.

“You might want to clarify that statement a little better than that,” he told me.

I thought about it for a brief moment but I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about, so I asked him.

“Well you said, ‘I lost my best friend and the man of my dreams the same day’, I just think that could be taken two ways. Either it’s the same guy, or two different ones. Now,” he closed the distance between us, “I know I’m your best friend, so there’s no question about that part but…” his voice trailed off as he gazed down at me.

“Jordan,” I sighed and stepped back from him. “You know exactly what I meant.”

He continued to gaze down at me, his eyes searching my face as if he was hoping for something he didn’t think he would find there. “Yeah,” he said finally. “I know what you mean; I’ll never be the man of your dreams.”

I closed my eyes and lowered my head, “I’m sorry Jordan, I wish I could feel that way for you but I don’t.”

“That’s ok Anna,” I felt his hands on my arms moments before he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “I still get to be the best friend and in some ways that’s even better than the dream guy,” I shot him a questioning look and he laughed, “I don’t have to fit into a mould; I can go out with and kiss other girls and you’ll still want to hang out with me.”

I rolled my eyes, laughing with him.

And for that moment in time, everything felt like it would be ok.

The Best Laid Plans

The entire drive over to Jordan’s house, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I couldn’t believe what happened at the restaurant; in fact I wasn’t so sure it wasn’t a dream. I expected Josh to be a little more upset with me and I didn’t think that he would want to talk to me but now that we’ve talked a little and he said he wanted to talk more, I was feeling really good about the future, our future.

The only thing that kind of bugged me was what he said about Jordan, that he thought we would be dating. And then all the talk about working things out with Jordan, figuring out where we stand, was he telling me to date him? Even though I knew he said no, I was wondering if that would clear things up in his mind where I stood. No! I shook my head, Josh doesn’t want you dating Jordan and you aren’t going to date him anyway! I may love him but I’m not sure that I would want to be his girlfriend; some times its bad enough just being the boy’s friend!

I pulled into his driveway; it felt so strange, yet very normal at the same time. It was hard to believe that it was only just over a month ago that I shared the house with him. I almost wished for those times back, but stopped when I realized that in order to have those moments back, Josh might not be in my life and that was something I didn’t want to think about.

Ok Jordan, I thought as I pulled the food from my car to make my way up to his door. This is make it or break it time, are we going to be friends or are we leaving it all behind? I felt kind of funny as I stood at his door waiting for him to answer the doorbell. I thought it was very strange that I was the one who stopped talking to him but there I was at his door in order to make him talk to me. You are one screwed up chick, do you know that? I shook my head. What if he’s happy not talking to you? What if he has no desire to ever see you again? You would’ve done him a favor by not talking to him.

I was lost deep in my thoughts when the door opened, Jordan frowned as he looked down at me. He didn’t ask me what I was doing there, he didn’t even say ‘hello’, he just stared at me as he leaned against the door.

So I stared back at him, when was the last time he shaved? Earlier he was pretty much fully covered so I really didn’t notice that he was fuzzy. His unshaven face along with the sweatshirt and pj bottoms that he was wearing made him seem warm and welcoming, comfortable. But the way his lips turned down in a frown, wasn’t all that inviting.

“Hey,” I smiled at him hoping he would smile too but he didn’t. And he didn’t say anything either. “So I stopped off and picked up way too much Chinese food before realizing that no one at Zack’s loves Chinese food as much as me.”

He broke his stare to glance down at the box of food in my arms that was getting heavier by the second. “That sucks,” he said, his free hand resting on his belly.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I guess I’ll have to eat it all by myself,” I noticed his hand move against his stomach. “Unless,” I gasped as if I had this amazing idea all of a sudden. “You wouldn’t know anyone who would be interested in helping me eat this…” I slipped one hand out from under the box carefully and opened a container. “…oh shanghai noodles! Those are just yummy!”

I swear I heard Jordan’s stomach growl as the aroma from the food assaulted his senses, weakening his resolve. “I think I can help,” he eyed the food hungrily and ushered me inside as quickly as he could.

Once inside, he relieved me of the box of food, checking to see what else I had. I probably would’ve been offended if that wasn’t exactly the response I wanted him to have. He patiently waited until I had removed my coat and boots before he walked into the kitchen to grab a couple plates. “Get some napkins, silverware and pop?” He asked over his shoulder as he headed off into the living room.

So far, so good I thought as I finished grabbing the items we needed and went after him. If everything goes to plan, things will be back to normal soon. I couldn’t help but be excited; I wanted things to be just like they were between us before Christmas.

He was pulling the containers of food out of the box when I took my seat on the couch. “Oh,” he glanced at the table once he tossed the empty box aside, “We forgot Soya sauce,” he hopped over my foot, which really wasn’t in the way and disappeared into the kitchen. When he came back, he sat right next to me and we both dug into the food, filling our plates as much as we could.

Jordan opened both cans of pop, turning to me, he handed me one and smiled. I thought he was going to say something but he just sat there smiling at me for a couple minutes before he turned his attention to the food and “Family Guy” which was just coming on TV.

We ate in silence as we laughed at the crazy antics of Peter and the rest of the gang. Every once in a while, I noticed Jordan would glance over at me, just for a moment, then he would turn back to the TV.

Half an hour later, “Family Guy” was over and we could barely move from being so stuffed. I was watching Jordan as he forced the last forkful of food into his mouth and chew it completely, before dropping his fork on his plate and punching his hands into the air. “Yes!” He shouted and quickly turned to me.

I was about to ask him what that was about when he said, “It’s been a while,” as he moved back against the couch, slipping his arms around me. He rested his chin on my shoulder as he snuggled up to me, “I’m glad you came over,” he told me.

“Jordan,” I tried to look at him but with his chin on my shoulder it wasn’t that easy. “We need to talk,” I made an effort to wiggle out of his grasp but he held on strong.

“I know,” he sighed softly. “Let’s just let the food settle first,” he lifted his head from my shoulder and looked into my eyes. “I don’t want to argue with you when I can’t even move.”