I Don't Really Know What I'm Doing

I stood, frozen, in my doorway with one hand on the doorknob and the other over my mouth as I stared at Jordan. Oh God, oh God….please don’t let him be naked, I’m not ready for this.

“Hey Babe,” he smiled at me. “Why don’t you come over here?” Patting the sheet beside him, he pulled back my blankets and held them for me.

“I…ummm…” A million thoughts were running through my head at that moment but the only one I remember is that I needed more time. “I think….well…I think I forgot to brush my teeth.”

“Anna!” Jordan called out my name as I quickly turned to leave my room again - almost running into Cassie who had come up behind me as I was moving.

“Cassie,” I tried to block her view into my room, I wasn’t sure how she would react to seeing Jordan in my bed like that. “Did you need something?” I wanted it to sound normal, but as I spoke the words, I knew I sounded nervous about something.

Cassie knew it too. “Aunt Anna is there something wrong?” She frowned, her eyes scanning my face before she looked over my shoulder; her brow shot upwards, “Jordan.” She turned back to me, “What’s going on Aunt Anna? Are you and Jordan…?”

“It’s not what you think…” Jordan’s hands slipped over my shoulders and I said the first stupid thing that popped into my head, “Your friends took his bed.”

Cassie glanced back and forth between Jordan and me before shaking her head, “It’s none of my business,” she said with a laugh. “I just wanted to say thanks for listening; I really needed to get it all off my chest.”

“Oh,” I shrugged off Jordan’s hands. “I’ll always be there to listen Cass,” I hugged her. “So are you…?”

She smiled, “I told Ben that we needed to talk. I’m going to tell him how I feel and about my fear when he goes off to college. If all goes well, he’ll be my boyfriend again.”

“That’s great!” I squeezed her tighter. “I hope it goes well Cass, I really do.”

When I let her go, she said good night and turned back towards her friends. Once she was out of ear shot, Jordan’s hand slipped around my elbow. “Weren’t we upset with Ben for macking on another chick a few months ago?”

“Jordan!” I spun around, intent on ushering him back into my room before Cassie heard but all thoughts of Cass left my mind when I came up solid against his bare chest.

“Babe…” his arms wrapped around me. Walking backwards, he pulled me along with him until he could swing my door closed. “Come to bed?”

I glanced at my bed and the nervousness came rushing back again. “You know, I don’t really feel all that tired…”

“Oh?” He smiled. “Well we can do something else if you want.”

“Like what?” I pulled away from him; I really need the space between us.

Shrugging, he told me we could talk. “I’m sure listening to me go on and on about whatever will soon put you to sleep.” When I told him that he wasn’t that boring, he told me that if we were comfy in bed, I would be out before he got started. “You always fall asleep when I try to talk to you in bed. Come on,” he motioned towards the bed as he moved towards it.

I didn’t move, I remained, unmoved, in the same place. It was the first time I really took the time to look below his neck since I first came into the room; I was relived and a little disappointed to see that he was wearing pj pants.

“What’s wrong Anna?” He sat on the edge of my bed, looking unsure of himself as he absently played with the corner of my blanket. “Are you afraid of me? I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want too Babe. I won’t even attempt to hold you if you don’t want me too. I promise.”

“It’s not that Jordy,” I sighed as I made my way over to my bed. “I just…” I shrugged. “It’s difficult to explain what I feel right now.” He told me it was ok but I felt like I still should try to make him understand but how?

“Let’s just get some sleep,” he suggested as he slipped under my blanket. “We are both tired, we should sleep.” He laid back onto my mattress, pulling the covers up over his chest as he closed his eyes. “Good night Babe.”

I felt bad as I loosened the tie of my robe, I knew he was disappointed; all he wanted was to hold me. It wasn’t an unusual request for him; it was something he always did when we shared a bed, so why was I acting all weird about it? It wasn’t that I didn’t want his arms around me, I did, I always enjoyed it when we were close like that; it felt right.

Maybe you are just scared, I thought. It’s not like every other time tonight, we both have feelings for each other and something could happen. That’s what scared me, the fact that something could happen. I wasn’t emotionally ready to enter into a relationship with him, even though, as I stood there with my robe hanging open, I wanted him to sit before me and pull me to him. I wanted his hands, lips, everything all over me.

Sighing, I slipped out of my robe and into my bed. While I pulled my blanket over me, I watched him, to see if there was any sign that he was paying attention to what I was doing - there wasn’t. His eyes didn’t even twitch when I got into bed, I was disappointed.

I turned to switch off the lamp by my bed when a thought popped into my head. A thought that suddenly seemed like something that had to be done, otherwise I would never be able to be around him without this crazy nervousness building up in my gut all the time.

Propping myself up on my right side, I gaze travelling from his messy brown hair that needed a trim badly, down to his closed eyes and those long eyelashes that I often felt envious off; he had beautiful eyes, I loved the way the green changed as his mood did. From his eyes, my eyes slide to his mouth. I wanted to reach out, brush my fingers against his lips. I wanted to… I sighed, forcing my eyes from his lips to the strong jaw hiding under the day worth of stubble. Jordan was, always was, a very good looking guy and really taking the time to study him made my heart swell. I loved him, I always had.

And he loved me, really loved me.

Smiling, I leaned over him and pressed my lips against his briefly before pulling back to wait for his response.

It seemed to take forever, I thought that he had fallen asleep that quickly but then it happened, the corner of his mouth twitched a couple times and then finally, he smiled. “Come here Babe,” he reached for me and I let him pull me into his arms.

With my hand resting under his on his chest, I felt his breath on my forehead moments before his lips brushed against my skin. “Good night Anna.”

Almost immediately, I fell into the land of dreams, where I stayed until well into the next afternoon.

Jordan was gone by the time I woke up; I think that was the most heartbreaking moment of my life, waking up to find that he had left while I was sleeping. Even the note he left me, telling me that he had plans with his parents and he tried to wake me to tell me that, didn’t made the feeling any better.

I decided that afternoon not to wait till the next day; I gathered my nieces and told them we were leaving right then and there for the city. I needed to get out of town, to get my head on straight.

Only The Sheets

Since it was getting later and later by the second, we decided that it would be best to just get some sleep. Jordan thought it was a really great idea, him sharing my bed with me. “I’m going to hold you,” he informed me in all seriousness while I was grabbing my pjs and robe before heading out to the bathroom.

“We’ll see,” I threw over my shoulder as I walked out into the family room. As I made my way to the bathroom, I found that I couldn’t wait to change and return to my room. I knew this was going to be hard, I didn’t know how I was going to manage not falling into a relationship with Jordan so soon, even though I knew it would be a bad idea. I meant it when I told him I didn’t want him to be the ‘rebound’ guy - he deserved better than that.

Once I had changed from my ‘party’ clothes into my Eeyore cami and short set, I slipped into my robe and opened the bathroom door. Before I could make it across the room again to my bed room where Jordy was waiting for me, Cassie popped out of no where and asked if she could talk to me.

“I don’t know what to do Aunt Anna,” she finished finally. We were seated over at the bar for the last twenty minutes while she was told me how much she still cared for Ben, how she would like to get back with him but, “he’s going to college in August, I won’t see him very much.” She sighed, “It’s just that he’s so friendly and nice Aunt Anna, there won’t be a girl on campus who won’t want to be with him.”

“To trust or not,” I groaned. “Cassie honey, there is nothing I can say that will make this choice easier for you. All I can say is that no matter what you decide, make sure that it’s what you want, not what everyone else thinks would be best.”

Cassie turned to watch Ben talk with their friends. “I really, really want to kiss him again Aunt Anna.”

I couldn’t help but chuckled at the look on her face as she said that. “Well,” I shrugged. “If that’s what you want to do, then what’s stopping you?”

Ben looked up, saw Cassie watching him and smiled. “My pride?” She turned to me. “What about you?”

I frowned, “What about me? I’m not that interested in Ben.”

“No!” She exclaimed. “I meant, why aren’t you happy Aunt Anna? Did Coach Baker do something?”

“Josh didn’t do anything Cass, we weren’t working out.”

“What do you mean?” She looked confused. “You say it like you…but…” her eyes widened as she clued in. “You and Coach Baker broke up?”

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Why?” She stared at me. “You seemed so happy to see him tonight - you were all over him when he arrived at the party! I saw you kissing him Aunt Anna.”

“I know Cass, I shouldn’t have kissed him like I did but I didn’t want it to be over. I still have feelings for Josh but we were fighting more than talking and to be honest there seemed to be something missing in the last little while.” She still looked like she was waiting for me to tell her the punch line. “I know you liked him Cass and with Josh being your teacher, it hasn’t been easy but I’m sorry.”

We sat in silence, in a room that buzzed with the many voices of others who were deep in conversation. Many times she opened her mouth to say something but shut it again a second later. I waited for a while and finally, after she didn’t speak, I asked her if there was something she wished to say to me. “Just ask, I’ll tell you as much as I can.”

“I was just thinking…” she shifted on her stool as she tried to find the right words to express her thoughts. “I do like Coach Baker,” she told me finally. “I know you were happy with him at first and you were in love with Jess…” she shrugged. “I guess I started thinking of him as a potential ‘uncle’ and I’m a little shocked that he won’t be.”

I understood that, Josh and I were seriously talking marriage. “Well Cass, you’ll have an uncle one day, I don’t think I’ll be single forever!”

I chuckled and Cassie joined me. “Well not if Uncle Jordan has his way!”
My laughter died on my lips, “What do you mean?”

“Oh come on Aunt Anna, everyone knows that Jordan has feelings for you! Why, even mom and dad think that you and Jordan would be great together.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why either of you even bother dating anyone else; if I had a guy like him around, I would do everything to be with him.” She glanced over at Ben again as she was speaking. “You know Aunt Anna,” she stood up. “I think I need to go over there.”

Before I could reply, she was walking towards her friends. When she reached the group, she didn’t stop to talk to Gwen, her best friend, when she asked her a question; she just kept on walking. She made her way over to Ben and sat down by his side. After waiting a couple minutes, she leaned into him and said something in his ear; Ben smiled and replied. Sleep was starting to get the best of me, I nodded a couple times as I sat on the stool but finally I made my way through the room.

When I left my room to go clean up in the bathroom, I closed the door behind me so that Jordan would have some privacy to do whatever it was that he wanted to do before we went to sleep. Now that I was going back to my room, I gripped the door knob, turned it and swung the door open.
“Oh my!” I exclaimed as my eyes zoomed in on Jordan sitting on my bed with the sheets pulled up to his waist.

As far as I could tell, my sheets were all that he was wearing.

Now Or Never

“Hi Aunt Anna, Jordan.” Cassie gave us a small wave as she joined the rest of her friends among the blankets and mattresses in the middle of the family room. “Dad said that all my friends could spend the night,” she informed me when I asked what the heck was going on.

“What…?” I stared blankly at her but inside my heart was racing. I had planned on talking to Jordan and then letting him sleep on the couch but unless I wanted him sharing the pull out with a couple 17 year old girls, that wasn’t going to happen.

The sound of footsteps and bottles clinking alerted me to Zack’s arrival, he was putting the last of the used alcohol into his bar; I immediately high tailed it over there. “Zack,” I hissed as I leaned over the bar.

“What?” He glanced up from his kneeling position behind the counter. “Is something wrong sis?”

“You told Cassie’s friends they could stay over?”

“Mmhmm,” he nodded as he locked the cabinet before rising to his feet. “Don’t worry, they shouldn’t be too noisy, I’d give them about an hour tops before they are all sleeping like little babies.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I told him.

“Then what’s the problem?” I motioned towards Jordan, who seemed in deep conversation with Ben and another guy. “Ohhhh,” Zack slowly nodded his understanding. “The couch is taken.”

“I know,” I whined. “Now where is he going to sleep?” I glanced at the group of kids, “I guess it’s too much to hope there’s an air mattress still kicking around somewhere?”

“You’re outta luck sis.”

“Then what are we going to do?” I turned to him, hoping he could come up with a solution, one that I didn’t think of. One that didn’t involve Jordan sharing my bed with me, I wasn’t sure if I was able to handle that without something happening.

“Well sis,” he paused for a moment then shrugged. “Looks like you have a bed mate tonight.”

Zack started to walk away but I grabbed his arm. “Are you sure that’s the best solution you have?” He nodded. “What about Cassie?” He frowned. "Well it won’t look good if you are letting Jordan sleep in my bed, she is an impressionable young lady, you know that. And her boyfriend is spending the night.”

Zack’s eyes narrowed as he turned his head towards Ben. For a brief second, I thought for sure that I had him and he would change his mind. “Anna,” he turned his gaze my way. “You’ve shared a bed with Jordan your whole life, even when you were a teenager. When I told you I didn’t like it, you told me that I was being stupid because you guys were just friends and nothing ever happened.”

“It didn’t!”

“Well,” he smiled at me. “I don’t see why tonight should be any different. Unless,” he glanced at Jordan and then back to me. “Have you and Jordan become more than just friends?”

“No, I -”

“Well then, there shouldn’t be a problem.” He flashed me a smile and turned away, “Oh, if you feel that something will happen between you and Jordan, leave the door open. I’m sure having Cassie and her friends as an audience would stop anything from happening.”

“Thanks for the help,” I muttered under my breath as the smirking jerk that was my brother walked towards his daughter to say good night before he disappeared upstairs.

Even though I was a little ticked that Zack didn’t give me a solution, I was relieved at the same time. I knew that it was wrong of me to run to him in hopes that he would take care of my ‘problems’. I was 23 years old, it was time I stopped running and hiding, I needed to take control of my own life.
With that in mind, I purposely stalked my way across the family room until I was standing toe to toe with Jordan. It seemed like the room, the noise and everyone around us, disappeared as I stared up into his green eyes. “It’s time we had that talk.” Without waiting for him to reply or react, I took his hand in mine and led him off to my room so we could have some privacy.

Kicking my door closed, I led him over to my bed where I turned him around and pushed him down to the mattress before turning to grab my desk chair. Pulling it up to my bed, I sat it right in front of Jordan as he righted himself on the bed, whispering, “wow.”

“Wow what?” I gave him a puzzled look.

He shook his head slowly, as if in disbelief. “Babe…I…you…” he seemed to blow out all the air that was in his lungs, “that was hot,” he squeaked at the end of his exhale.

“Jordan!” I slapped his knee. “Be serious!”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I am serious Anna.”

“Oh,” I frowned, certain I was missing something. “Well,” I leaned forward as well. “I’m glad you are serious because this is very important Jordan.”

He nodded, “You know how I feel, how do you feel?”

It was my turn to exhale all the air in my lungs, “Jordan you’re -”

Jordan growled, “If you tell me that you don’t feel anything for me because we’ve been friends forever…”

“What Jordan?” I challenged him. “What will you do if that’s exactly what I tell you?”

He stared at me for the longest time, so many emotions playing on his face - anger, hurt and disappointment being the ones I recognized the most. “I don’t know,” he sighed finally. “I don’t want that to be the way you feel, yet, I know that there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Oh?” I raised a brow. “You wouldn’t try to ‘make’ me see why I should feel more for you?”

“Anna,” his hands rested on my knees. “Babe, I tried that already - it didn’t work - not that I really thought it would but still, I tried. I’ve kissed you when you made it clear you didn’t want me too and I lost you for what seemed like forever. I don’t want to make that mistake again; I can’t stand being without you.” He held my gaze for a moment before looking down at his hands. “Life sucks without you Babe.”

With a smile he couldn’t see, I slipped my hands over his. “Jordy, you are my best friend, nothing will ever change that.”

“I know, I know,” he took my hands in his as he leaned down to rest his forehead against them. “I know Babe…I just…”

“Jordy please look at me.” With a deep breath, he straightened up, slowly bringing his eyes up to meet mine. “I know you want to hear something here tonight but -’ he started to lower his head. “Please don’t look away.”

Shifting closer to the edge of the mattress, he muttered, ‘sorry’ as he looked at me again.

“Like I was saying, I know what you want to hear but Jordan it’s because you are my best friend that I can’t say those words to you.”

“That’s bullshit!” He snapped as he dropped my hands. “Why does it matter that I’m your friend Anna? Why are you going to deny how you feel? Tell me,” he demanded. “Tell me how you really feel, damnit!”

“I love you!” I exclaimed, shocking him and myself at the same time. “I do,” I sighed. “I do love you Jordan.”

Jordan was smiling big; he reached for me but stopped at the last second. “But?” He frowned. “Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming?”

“Well,” I moved from the chair to the mattress next to him. “Jordan I don’t want to make a mistake.”

“Why do you think we’ll be a mistake Anna?”

“No Jordan, that’s not what I meant. I meant, we are best friends right now, I don’t want that to change but if I were to enter into a relationship with you at the moment, I think we have a good chance of ruining what we have.” Slipping my hand into his, linking my fingers with his, I rested my head against his shoulder as I peered up at him. “I don’t want you to be the rebound guy Jordan, rebounds never last. I don’t want to take out the disappointment of my relationship with Josh ending, on you. I don’t want to be with you and be comparing you to him. I don’t want…” I took a deep breath and continued, “I don’t want to hurt you Jordan.”

I almost cried when Jordan removed his hand from mine, I thought he was going to storm out of the room but he surprised me. Instead of being mad, he slipped his arm around my waist and with a gentle kiss to my forehead; he told me he loved me. “Part of me understands, that’s the reason I listened to Zack after Heather and I broke up but Babe, I gotta tell you, the other part of me wants to get you under those covers and show you how good we could be together.”

“Jordan!”

He chuckled, “Babe I’m kidding, I just want to hold you. That’s all I want right now.”

The Games Men Play

Jordan was fuming, I could tell just from the way he held himself as he watched me with Wade. I didn’t really want to dance with Wade but I couldn’t stand to let Jordan think that he could tell me what to do now; I didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do. It didn’t matter if I was being stupid or not, it was my choice and looking up at Wade as he turned me towards him, I regretted that choice.

“I’m glad you said yes,” he told me as he placed my left hand on his shoulder and held my right hand in his hand.

“Don’t read too much into this,” I told him.

“Oh I know you only did it because Jordan said not too,” he smiled at me. “I don’t mind, it means I get to dance with you.”

This guy was too much for me, I didn’t understand him at all. I kept shooting him down and he just kept coming back for more, did he really not like himself or something? I had to know. “What are you doing?”

He frowned, “Dancing?”

“No,” I shook my head. “Why don’t you get the hint and leave me alone? Why do you keep coming back to bug me?”

“I’ve never met a woman like you before Anna, I find you intriguing.”

“I’m just a normal, average, everyday woman Wade, there’s nothing special about me. Don’t you think it’s time you stop whatever game it is you are playing and go find someone else to bug?”

“See? That’s the thing; I’m not playing any games. I do find you interesting and I would like a chance to get to know you better.”

I stared up at him, “You can’t be serious.” I chuckled, “Are you into rejection or something Wade? Is that why you keep coming back for more?”

“Give me one good reason why you won’t give me a chance to get to know you,” he demanded as he tried to hide his hurt expression.

“You aren’t my type,” I replied without missing a beat.

“Oh?” He raised a brow. “What, pray tell, is your type? And how am I not it?”

“Well, first off,” I lifted my hand up and flicked his hair. “I don’t like long hair on men, totally turns me off.”

“Funny you should mention that,” he grinned. “I have an appointment on Tuesday to cut it off.”

“Uh huh,” I didn’t believe him.

“What else?”

“I don’t like men who don’t get the hint that I’m not interested - I shouldn’t have to keep repeating myself a million times only to be continually harassed.” He nodded and told me to keep going. “You are too short for me,” - he stood up straighter - “That changes nothing,” I laughed.
“Maybe not, but you laughed, that’s important.” He waited for me to tell him it wasn’t and when I didn’t, he asked me what else made him not my type.

“You irritate me, you annoy me. I just want to kick you every single time I see you. You say the stupidest things and you don’t seem to care what effect it has on people. You don’t think and I get the feeling that you think I’m a joke.” I paused for a second and then told him I wasn’t a joke. “I don’t deserve to be treated like one either.”

“Ok,” he started but I wasn’t done.

“And if that wasn’t enough, maybe the fact that I don’t have any desire to be any where close to you, should be.”

“Is that so?” He seemed amused by something.

“Yes, that’s so.”

“Then, I don’t know what to say Anna,” he chuckled. “You don’t seem to mind being in my arms at the moment.”

“I’m not…” I trailed off as I realized that I was, technically, in his arms. Sometime while we were talking, he let go of my hand and linked his hands together behind my back; we were pretty damn close. “This means nothing,” I told him as I pushed away from him.

“Maybe not,” he shrugged as his hand caught mine before I could turn away. “But I think you should give me a chance, get to know me before you assume that you don’t like me.” He let my hand drop, flashed me a smile before turning away. “You never know,” he called over his shoulder. “You might find that I’m not the jerk you think I am.”

I didn’t care to think about giving him a chance at all; why should I when he didn’t give me one the first time we met? He judged me long before he knew me, why should I forget that? Why does he think that being hypocritical right now will change anything?

I had no answers to those questions and to be honest, I wasn’t sure I really cared. I don’t know if he left just after our dance or if he stuck around and just stayed out of my way. All I know is that I didn’t see him anymore that night.

Then again, I was a little preoccupied with having a good time with my friends, I would’ve have noticed him in passing anyway.

One thing I did notice though was that everywhere I turned; Mitch was in my line of vision. After what Josh said, about Mitch feeling me out, I was surprised that he kept his distance. I like to think he was smart enough to know that I wasn’t really in the mood to have someone hitting on me with the recent break up of my relationship but I was a little disappointed that he didn’t come over to say ‘hi’ or anything. No, he would just catch my eye and smile.

When the last guest was gone and the last empty bottle was collected, I was so damn tired; I didn’t think I would make it to my room before I passed out.

“Are we going to talk now?” Jordan asked with a yawn as he followed me into the family room.

A Teaser

After my little happiness run, I soon got back into the party mood and ended up having the best time I’ve had in six months. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a little upset that things were really over with Josh and I did still have feelings for him but I knew that we were better off apart than we were together - at least for now. I wasn’t sure what the future would hold for me but I knew that whatever it was, I was looking forward to finding out.

The immediate future held lots of dancing and partying though. I must’ve danced to every single song that played from the moment I rejoined the party until the party broke up hours later.

I was having the time of my life, dancing with Jordan and Nick when Wade found his way over to me.

“Get lost,” Jordan snapped the second he saw him.

“Chill,” Wade told him as he smiled at me. “I was hoping that you’d dance one dance with me tonight.”

“Like hell,” Jordan responded as he moved towards Wade. “I told you to get lost. Go!”

Wade looked at him, “You really need to think about what you are doing,” he told Jordy. “I don’t think that acting like a jerk will get you what you want here.”

“Me? A jerk?” Jordan laughed. “Buddy you are the definition of a jerk. Didn’t Anna tell you time and time again to leave her along? Are you really that stupid to keep coming back for more?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” was all Wade said to him before turning to me as the opening notes of a slow song came through the speakers. “Anna? Can I have this dance?” He held out his hand towards me and I just stared at him.

“You aren’t dancing with him,” Jordan told me.

“What?” I slowly turned to Jordan. “What do you mean I’m not?” Beside me Nick groaned, I glanced at him and then back at Jordan. “I’ll do what I want,” I told him as I slipped my hand into Wade’s. “Let’s go,” I told him, not really wanting too but not liking that Jordan thought he could tell me what to do. No one told me what to do.

Fly Away

Never in my life would I have imagined that I would be standing in the middle of my room with my hands linked around the neck of the man who has been my best friend my entire life, one movement away from the edge of no return. It was surreal to say the least.

But it couldn’t happen. I couldn’t bring myself to make the move to draw him closer and possibly ruin the relationship we shared. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him what I was thinking but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. So I did the next best thing, I tore my eyes away from his as my hands slipped from around his neck.

His head dropped, hovering just over my shoulder as his shoulders slumped. I felt bad, I could feel the disappointment he felt, I didn’t want him to feel like that. “Jordy…” Closing my eyes, I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him as I rested my head against his chest.

“Let me guess,” he dropped his hands from me. “Despite our chemistry you love me as a friend and that’s it.”

“That’s not fair,” I looked up at him - he was staring at a spot over my head.

“No, but that’s how you feel.” He glanced at me for a brief second before his eyes went back to that spot. “I should know better but I just keep ho-”

“Are you finished?” I asked after slapping my hand over his mouth; wide eyed, he nodded. “Good because I want you to listen to me, really listen.” I pulled my hand from his mouth and stepped away from him but I held his gaze. “I know you want us to step over that line, to take our relationship to the next phase but Jordan I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” He asked. “Give me one good reason why you don’t want to find out if this attraction between us is the real thing.” He wasn’t as upset as I thought he would be, he sounded disappointed but willing to listen to whatever it was I was going to say - I was grateful for that, I didn’t need him to be pissed.

“Ok, see….the thing is -”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” He groaned when I pulled out my cell. “Don’t answer it Anna, this is important.”

“I know,” I glanced at the screen. “But it’s Cassie,” I turned my cell around so he could see the number. “She wouldn’t text unless she needed something.”

Jordan growled, his hands raking through his hair in frustration.

“Jordy,” I reached out, my hand brushing against his shirt at his waist. “We need to talk about this but it’ll have to wait, I have to go see what Cassie wants and check on some things.”

“We’ll talk?”

“Yes,” I nodded. “We really have to talk. And we will, later when we can’t be interrupted. Ok?”

“Yeah,” he smiled at me. “How can I say no to you Babe?”

Jordan walked along side me as we left my room and crossed the family room to the door. After opening the door for me, he told me that he would catch up with me in a little bit, “I’m going to grab something to drink and bug Nick for while.”

I laughed; I knew that could mean anything.

As he walked towards the music, I made my way to the front yard where Cassie was sitting all by herself. “What happened to everyone?”

“Had a couple people that needed rides home,” she told me as she stood up. “I’m so glad you came,” she told me. “I really need to pee!” She took off in a hurry, calling ‘stand watch for me!” over her shoulder as she disappeared.

“What are you watching?” A male voice spoke from behind me.

Turning around, “Mitch!” I exclaimed as I hugged him. “What are you doing here?” I noticed he was still in uniform. “Did we get a noise complaint?” I frowned, Zack always invited our neighbours so that they wouldn’t feel the need to complain, not that we lived that close to anyone.

“No, Zack told me to swing by after work - he told me I could clean up here.” He pointed to the bag by his feet. “How are you doing?” He asked me as his eyes slide over my body and back up to my eyes. “You are looking damn fine, like always.”

“Thanks,” I blushed. “You look pretty intimidating in that uniform.”

“Well if you think that now, just wait until I change, you’ll be impressed by my resemblance to a big old’ teddy bear.” He laughed. “So tell me, how are you doing?”

“I’m doing good; I’m officially on vacation right now, so that’s great. I’m going to the city with the girls in a couple days.”

“Yes, that’s right,” he sat on the edge of the table we set up for Cassie and her friends. “Zack is excited about that, it’s all he talked about the last time I spoke to him.” He smiled, “How is your boyfriend? Is he here? I was hoping to meet him.”

“He’s…umm…well…gone.”

“Oh,” he seemed surprised. “He’s gone already? Doesn’t like to stay out late?”

“No, it’s not that - he does have a little boy - but I meant that…we broke up.”

“Really? When did that happen?” He frowned. “Zack was just talking about you two the other day.”

“Not that long ago,” I gave a sad sigh and a shrug. “I don’t really want to talk about it, if that’s alright.”

“Hurts?”

“Yeah,” I lowered my head, staring at my hands. “I wish things would’ve gone different though, he’s a good guy.”

“You still have feelings for him, I take it.”

I rubbed the back of my neck as I smiled up at Mitch. “Josh isn’t an easy man to get over but…” I shrugged.

“You’ll do it?” I nodded and he smiled. “I’m confident that you’ll work through it. If you want…you…I mean…” he started to fumble with is words.

“If I want, what Mitch?”

“Well…” he spotted my cell which was still in my hand from when Cassie sent me a text. “Can I?” He asked but didn’t wait for my reply. I watched him, a little confused as he took my cell and fiddled around with it. “There,” he said moments later as he handed it back to me.

“That’s better!” Cassie exclaimed as she reappeared at my side. “Hey Mitch!” She smiled and held out her hand, “Keys.” Mitch handed over his keys and gave up his info before heading off towards the house to clean up.

Once Mitch was gone and Cassie was back, I thought I would go find Jordan but when I went to turn to go back to the party, I happened to look towards the house and there, sitting on the steps with Jesse in his arms, was Josh. “That didn’t take long,” he stated when our eyes met.

“What didn’t?” I took a couple steps towards him. Josh shook his head, chuckling he told me that Mitch was feeling me out. “What?” I laughed, “That’s crazy Josh, he wasn’t.”

“No?” He manoeuvred Jesse, who was sound asleep, and held out his hand. “Can I see your phone?” I handed over my phone, he pressed a couple buttons and then handed it back to me. “Did you always have his number in your contacts?”

“What?” I stared down at the screen. “Oh my god! He gave me his number!” I looked back over my shoulder, not that Mitch was anywhere to be seen. “I can’t believe this,” I turned back to Josh, my chuckle dying in my throat. I waited for him to accuse me of something or to just attack me but he surprised me.

“I don’t know why it surprises you honey,” his intense blue eyes locked with mine. “You are a beautiful woman Anna, guys are bound to notice.”

“Thank you,” I smiled at him.

“Your welcome,” he replied.

I didn’t know what to say, so I stood there like a moron, hating that there was this uncomfortable air between us now. “I think I should…” I pointed over my shoulder.

“Ok,” he grabbed hold of the railing and carefully pulled himself up off the steps. “Anna will you ever be able to be around me without being uncomfortable?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I silently cursed myself for being so transparent.

“Yes you do,” he told me. “Can we be friends?”

Sighing, I shook my head. “The last time we tried that Josh, it didn’t work. I can’t go there with you, I think it would be better if we just stayed away from each other right now.”

His shoulders slumped, “I’m sorry you feel that way Anna. I was hoping that we could be friends, I really don’t want this to be it for us.”

“I’m sorry Josh but I think it would be best if we didn’t have any contact.”

“Ever?”

I slowly shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know Josh. All I know is that I need to put some distance between us - you occupied a great deal of my time and energy for the past six months and I need to figure out who I am again.”

“Ok,” he shifted Jesse in his arms. “I guess I should be going - get Jesse in bed - and figure out what I’m doing now.”

I flashed him a half smile, “Good night Josh.” I walked away from Josh and this strange thing happened, I felt happy. I felt like me.

I started to run, I didn’t have any idea where exactly I was going, I just started to run. Through the trees and brushes. Just running. Stumbling over roots and rocks while laughing and crying at the same time. I felt free; it was a great feeling.

I ran and ran until I had come out of the trees on the back side of the house. Breathing really hard, my heart thumping in my chest, I fell on to the ground laughing harder than I laughed in six months.

“Are you ok?” I looked up to see Zack staring down at me with a very worried look on his face.


“Yes,” I took the hand he held out to me. “I’m feeling great!” I threw my arms around his neck, kissing his cheek. “I’m ready to be me again!”

He gave me a skeptical look.

"I'm serious Zack."

Nowhere With You

It took me well over an hour to get myself together enough to push myself off my bed and stumble into the bathroom where I dumped the almost full glass of vodka down the drain. I didn’t make it pass the second mouthful before realizing that he wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t about to get plastered because things didn’t work out with Josh; I was a lot stronger than that!

After splashing some water on my face and fixing my hair, I returned to the party. First I went to check on Cassie and her friends; they were having a blast so I slipped away without them knowing I was there. I did a quick check of the food and drinks, grabbing a can of Pepsi for myself since I was in need of something to wash away the horrible taste in my mouth.

Armed with a drink, I forced myself to mingle. I talked to so many people that I barely recognized but I can’t, for the life of me, think about what the conversations were. I was kind of in auto pilot, sticking to strangers so that no one could see that there was something going on with me.

I caught sight of Josh a few times, he was always in his normal group of friends - Mark, Jack and Warren - but I stayed as far away as possible and as out of his sight as I could. I knew that I would have to go and get my phone back sooner or later but at that moment, I didn’t want to talk to him.

A half hour after emerging from the house, I made my way down to where the kids were playing. Nick and Amy, who I hadn’t talked to much at all since they arrived, were down there with Jordan. While I didn’t wish to see Jordan because he would know right away something was wrong, I couldn’t avoid going, I wanted to talk to Nick and Amy.

Before I came upon them, Jordan had been ‘attacked’ by the kids and was dragged back into their fold so they could get rides and tickle the life out of him. Never in my life was I so happy to see him walk away.

“Hey guys,” I put on my best smile as I joined Nick and Amy. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“Hey!” Nick turned and pulled me into a bear hug. “I was starting to think you were avoiding us Trouble.”

“Avoid my favourite married couple? Never,” I hugged him back just as tight as he hugged me. “How are you two doing?”

“We are getting more and more excited as the days pass by,” Nick replied and Amy just snorted. “Well,” he glanced down at me as his arm rested around my shoulders, “Amy is getting more and more impatient, she just wants our baby to get out already. But me, I don’t want to rush our baby at all.”

“That’s because you aren’t the one who can’t see your feet, or sleep, or walk, or -” Amy waddled over to us, rubbing her belly has she did so.

“Ok, ok” Nick held up his hand in surrender - Amy that hand and placed it against her belly. “Ohhhh….” a silly grin appeared on Nick’s face. “Baby kicking,” he said in wide eyed wonder as Amy moved his hand around her belly. “I did this,” he told me with a laugh.

“That you did,” I smiled at him. “Good job Nicky.” I turned to Amy, “Can I…?” I motioned towards her belly, I didn’t want to just touch without asking because I did that once and the woman I did it too freaked out. Now I ask.

“Of course,” Amy grabbed my hand and placed it over where the baby was moving last. We waited a few minutes and finally were rewarded by a flutter of movement under my hand. “Did you feel that?” Amy asked excitedly. “Did you feel your God baby rolling around?”

“Yes,” I squeaked as the baby moved again. “Oh my!” I leaned down to her belly. “Hello God baby! It’s your Aunt Anna, I can’t wait to see you and hold you.” Straightening up, I gave Amy a hug, “Thank you so much for picking me for Godmother, I can’t tell you how excited I am about that.”

I’m not sure how long Nick, Amy and I were standing around talking about the baby and what they have been doing recently to get ready for the arrival - I just remember thinking that this was what it was all about. Life was hanging out with friends and sharing our trials and tribulations. And I knew that one trial that I had to share with my friends was the drama of the past couple months. Amy already knew the deal so I was sure that she told Nick - until he asked me how things were going with Josh.

“Things are…” I shrugged. “Over.”

“What?!?!” Nick stared at me. “But…but….” He shook his head, “You are playing with me, aren’t you? Just joking around, stop it.”

“I’m not,” I flashed him a fake smile. “We broke up a couple days ago but it wasn’t until tonight that we really made it official.” I sighed, that wasn’t true. “I mean, it wasn’t until tonight that I accepted it to be official.”

“Oh Anna,” Nick pulled me into his arms. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t know.” I tried to tell him that it was ok but he didn’t believe me. “Tell me what happened,” he gave me a concerned look. “Do I have to go beat him up?”

“I don’t really want to get into it tonight Nick,” I pulled out of his arms and hugged myself. “I’ll be fine, it’s better this way.”

“What’s better this way?” Jordan’s voice came from behind me. I turned to see him looking concerned, like Nick, as he glanced back and forth between the three of us. “What’s going on? Why does it look like some one died?”

“Who die Jordy?” Jesse stared up at Jordan from his place against Jordan’s chest. Jordan told him that no one died, it was just a figure of speech, at the same moment that Nick asked Jordan if he remembered that he had a daughter not a son.

“I know that,” Jordan rolled is eyes. “Jesse just wanted his daddy.”

“I sleepy,” Jesse dropped his head onto Jordan’s shoulder. “I want my daddy An-na.”

I didn’t even realize that I took a deep breath in until all three of my friends turned in unison to stare at me. I tried hard to fight the overwhelming desire to cry as his small voice, saying my real name, cut me to the quick. For some silly reason, I always thought I would be ‘Ama’ to him.

Nick was the first one to react, “Come on Jess, I’ll take you to your daddy.”

“No!” Jess clung to Jordan as Nick reached for him. “An-na take me to daddy,” he turned his big blue eyes my way. “I want my daddy.”

“It’s ok,” I said quietly to Nick as I held out my hands to Jesse, who immediately fell forward into them.

Jesse wrapped his arms and legs around me as I made my way across the grass, towards the last place I saw Josh hanging out with his friends.

He was back on to me when I reached him. “Josh?” I tapped his shoulder as I leaned back so Jesse wouldn’t fall. “Jesse says he’s sleepy.” I told him when he turned towards me.

“Hi daddy,” Jesse mumbled as he lifted his head off my shoulder.

“Jesse,” Josh reached out for him. “Come on kiddo, I guess it’s time we went home.”

Once Jess was out of my arms, I said ‘bye’ and started to walk away.
“Anna, wait.”

I paused, but didn’t turn around.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” Josh asked as he moved around to stand in front of me - Jesse wasn’t up with him - once glance over my shoulder told me he was up with Jack’s girlfriend, Rhea.

“How what’s going to be?”

“You aren’t going to talk to me? Pretend like I’m not there?”

I stared off at a spot over his shoulder. “I don’t really have anything to say to you Josh; I think we’ve both said everything we needed to say.”

“What if I have more to say?”

I sighed and finally looked at him. “Look Josh, this isn’t the easiest thing for me to do but we both know that nothing has changed between us. We fight all the time, you don’t trust me and we keep going around and round the same issues. I think we need to walk away from this relationship, for both of our sanity.”

He didn’t say anything for the longest time; he just stared down at me with his arms crossed over his chest. I don’t know if he was trying to intimidate me or if he was trying not to lose it on me but I could tell there was something going on in his head; something that he was withholding.
“Fine,” he said finally. “You’re right, we have been arguing more and more lately and I don’t really trust you or myself at this point.” With a defeated sigh, he lowered his head. “I’m sorry Anna, this isn’t how I wanted things to go with us - six months ago, I wouldn’t have even imagined we would ever break up.”

“But we have Josh.”

“Yes.”

I didn’t think there was anything else to say, I turned but Josh reached out and grabbed my hand. “Anna, I really don’t want this to be the end.”

“Josh,” I groaned, I was starting to feel very drained emotionally, I needed to get away from him. “Good bye,” I removed his hand from mine, letting it fall to his side as I forced one foot in front of the other.

“Anna!” He called out to me again but this time I didn’t stop. “Anna!” I heard him running towards me. “Your phone,” he said simply when he caught up to me. I held out my hand, he dropped my cell into it. “She lied,” he said simply as he turned and walked away.

My heart ached as I returned to Nick and Amy’s side. I wasn’t hurting for me, I was hurting for Josh; he didn’t deserve to be lied too, he didn’t deserve to have been played with like that. “Where’s Jordan?” I figured it was time to let him in on what has been going on with me.

“Up there,” Nick nodded towards the platform where we had set up for the DJ, Ron.

“What is he doing?”

“Don’t know,” Nick replied as Jordan glanced over in our direction, smiled and said something to Ron and them picked up the mic.

“Happy Canada Day everyone!” Jordan shouted into the mic. “Is everyone having a great time tonight?” A crowd went up in a roar. “Awesome! We’ll get back to the DJ in a minute,” he told the crowd. “I just to take this moment to send out a song to a good friend of mine…Babe?” He motioned for me to join him as he turned back to Ron, gave him a nod and a sound similar to a clock tick came from the speakers. When I stood in front of him, he started to sing along with Joel Plaskett in ‘Nowhere with you’.

“Hey Good Looking, why the frown?
You always look better when it’s upside down.
You say you got nowhere that you’re going to.
Can I go nowhere with you?”

Normally I didn’t mind everyone watching me but as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up there with him and proceeded to dance while he sang, I could feel my cheeks burning. I found that I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he sang directly to me as if we were the only ones in the back yard at that moment.

When the song ended, I found myself in his arms, staring up at him as he dipped me backwards; my hands were balled up into fists as I gripped the arms of his shirt. I believe to this day that if the crowd didn’t go crazy cheering, he would’ve kissed me - and I would’ve let him.

“Let me up,” I hissed once the ‘spell’ was broken. Once righted, I made a bee line straight for the house.

“Anna!” I heard Jordan bust through the basement door, calling my name.

“Go away Jordy!” I yelled from my bedroom where I was pacing back and forth, unsure of what I was doing.

“I’m sorry Anna, I didn’t think that would upset you, we used to do that all the time.” He slowly inched my door open to peek in. “Anna?” He took a cautious step inside and since I didn’t scream at him, he came all the way in. “What’s wrong? Why are you pacing?” He asked as he came over to me. “Babe, tell me, I know there’s something going on.”

I went to him, wrapping my arms around his waist as I pressed my face against his chest. “Josh and I broke up,” I mumbled into his shirt.

His hands wrapped around my shoulders as he pushed me back enough to stare down at me. “What did you say?”

“Josh and I broke up,” I repeated, wiping my hand over my eyes. “A couple days ago but I didn’t accept it until tonight. I…” I shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s for the best, all we did was argue but yet, it hurts.”

“Of course it does,” he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “You were pretty serious about him; it’s bound to leave you feeling less than happy.”
I chuckled sadly, “I think it hurt more when Jesse didn’t call me ‘Ama’.” I shook my head and sighed. “But you aren’t taking this like I thought you would.”

“What did you think I would do Anna?” He nodded towards my bed. “Take you into my arms, walk over to your bed where I would lower you down onto the mattress as I moved above you - kissing your tears and any hurt away?”

I gave it a little thought and then laughed, “Yes, something like that.”
His grip on my arms tightened as he stared at my bed, “I’m not going to pretend I’m saddened by your break up Anna.” He gaze slide over me. “And yes, I would love to take you to your bed and make you forget all about Josh and whatever stupid shit he has done now…”

“But?”

He shrugged, “I don’t think there is a ‘but’...” His hands slipped down my arms until his fingers wrapped around my wrists. Moving closer to me, he pulled my arms up, linking my hands behind his neck before his slide down to my waist. “…that’s exactly what I want to do.”

Was It Love?

“Yeah,” I glanced at Josh. “The baby, I was wondering how the baby was - how you were. Are you nauseous? Any weird cravings?” I chuckled softly. “My sister in law had this craving for pickles and peanut butter when she was pregnant with my oldest niece, it was grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my life but she just loved it.” Tracy didn’t say anything so I continued. “Then when she was pregnant with my youngest niece she could stand the smell of pickles at all, she craved strawberries with cheese whiz.” I paused, thought about it. “No, I think that would have been the grossest thing I ever saw in my life! My brother was even disgusted by that one; he couldn’t even be in the same room with her when she ate that.”

I waited, she still didn’t say anything.

“Tracy?” I frowned. “Are you still there?”

“Josh told you about the baby?”

“Yes, he told me about the baby.” I sighed. “He told me about you and the baby and then he broke up with me.”

“He did what?” She sounded surprised but yet there was a little something in her voice that made me think that she was happy that we broke up.
“Although you know what’s funny, he broke up with me yet still acts like we are together - you know, kissing, touching, telling me that he loves me and of course there is the whole jealous jerky thing that he works so well.” I was looking straight at Josh when I said those things. “Of course, it’s very confusing to say the least.”

“I really don’t see how that’s my problem Anna.”

“No, you’re right, it’s not your problem Josh is playing this game with me and it’s not your fault that I let him.” I ran a hand through my hair as I turned away from him once more. “It has nothing to do with you and you still haven’t answered my question.”

“What question was that?” She asked as if she didn’t know.

Rolling my eyes, I repeated the question. “How are you and the baby?”

“I’m doing fine,” was all she said.

“And the baby?” I pushed. “How is the baby? Have you had an ultrasound done yet? Both my sister in laws tell me that there’s nothing like seeing your baby for the first time, they cried each time - so did my brothers, it was so weird to see them cry.” I took a breath, “So? What did you feel when you saw the baby?”

“I didn’t have one yet,” she told me. “Look Anna, I would love to stay and chat but I have stuff to do here.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I turned around towards Josh again; he was looking at me questioningly. “What do you mean you haven’t had an ultrasound yet?” Josh’s brow shot up in surprise. “You are what? Four months pregnant? You had to have at least one by now.”

“Well I haven’t,” she snapped at me.

“Why the hell not? You been to a doctor right?”

“Of course I’ve been to a doctor!”

“Then how is it possible…There isn’t a baby is there Tracy?” Josh froze when I asked that, he looked upset but there was something else in his eyes - some thing that almost looked like hope.

“Oh aren’t you a piece of work?” She snarled. “Josh breaks up with you and you can’t handle it so you set out to make my life hell.”

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes. “This has nothing to do with Josh breaking up with me and everything to do with finding out the truth. Josh told me he was drunk that night and that he doesn’t remember much of it. He also told me that you were seeing someone when you ‘found out’ your were pregnant but now you aren’t seeing anyone and you call Josh to tell him the baby is his, claiming you don’t want anything from him? Four months later?” I paused for a second to give what I was saying a chance to sink in to both of them. “Why can’t you tell me how the baby is?” I demanded. “Why haven’t you gone for an ultra sound? Is it because there isn’t a baby?”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Tracy yelled into the phone - Josh jumped a little when he heard her. “You have no idea what you are talking about you little whore. Who cares if your life isn’t working you the way you want?”

“This isn’t about me!” I snapped. “This is about Josh and how badly you seem to be screwing around with his sense of responsibility! You don’t need to know Josh personally to know that he lives and breathes for his son; there is nothing he wouldn’t do for a child of his. You better not be lying to him about the baby because sooner or later Tracy, the truth will come out and Josh isn’t one to let go of anything easily.”

I was done with this, I didn’t even care anymore if there was a baby or not, I just didn’t want Josh to be hurt. Pulling my phone from my ear, I slapped it against his chest. “I may have over stepped boundaries and I may have done more damage than I ever thought possible but Josh, you have to get to the bottom of this because it’s not adding up. Maybe she is pregnant and just not taking care of the baby like she should or maybe…” I shrugged. “Either way it doesn’t matter to me and it’s time I realized that this isn’t my business - we broke up.”

As I walked away from him, I heard his voice as he spoke through clenched teeth as he asked Tracy about the baby. “Is Anna right?” He inquired. “Are you pregnant or are you playing some sick game?”

I pushed my way back into the party crowd and headed straight for the alcohol. Taking a clean glass and the bottle of vodka, I filled the glass up to it’s rim and walked off towards the house. I waited until I was lost in the familiar darkness of my room before I took a mouthful from my glass. I never drank vodka straight like that, it seemed to burn all the way down and I started to choke on it.

Some where in the coughing fit, the tears started to fall. I told myself that nothing mattered, not the baby, not my feelings, nothing. I knew in my heart that nothing would ever change between us, he would never be the man I wanted him to be, the man I thought he was. I knew I was done with Josh. The pain and the heartache weren’t worth it. “Love shouldn’t be that hard,” I cried and reached for the glass again.

Tell Me No Lies

Hearing Wade utter those words shocked the hell out of me but to hear that he was saying them to Josh, pissed me off. Where the hell did he get off thinking that he had a chance with me, let alone voice that opinion to anyone?

Turning slowly, I saw Josh giving Wade the dirtiest look possible while Chad was standing off to his right, looking a little unsure of what to do. Josh happened to look up, his gaze locking with mine. Boy, if looks could kill.

“Why are you telling me this?” He asked while still looking at me.

Wade shrugged, “Just thought you would like to know that she’ll be in good hands.”

“Oh please!” I rolled my eyes as I marched towards them. “Why on earth do you think you’ll ever get your hands on me?”

“Well Sweetheart, my mom always told me to dream big and well…” his eyes skimmed down my body. “I’m dreaming baby.”

“Well keep dreaming Wade; it’s going to be a cold day in hell before I ever give you a chance.”

“I’ll be waiting there with the blankets Sweetheart.”

“Oh my God!” I rolled my eyes. “When are you going to give up?”

“When you stop resisting me Anna.” He smiled. “I know it won’t be much longer now.”

“How do you figure that?” I crossed my arms as I glared at him.

“You are talking to me,” he simply. “A couple months ago, you just rolled your eyes at me. I’m making progress.” He laughed when I rolled my eyes.

Josh, who had been listening to us the entire time, scoffed and started to walk away from us.

“Get this through your thick head Wade; I’m never going to date you. I’ll never be your girlfriend and you know what? I don’t think we’ll ever even be friends. I’m not interested. Please just stop. Please.” I sighed. “Just leave me alone.”

I felt bad about possibly hurting Wade’s feelings but I had enough of his confidence. Scanning the crowd, I spotted Josh and hurried over to him. “Hey there,” I slipped my hand onto his forearm. “I just wanted…” he pulled his arm out of my grasp.

“Don’t you have to get back to your ‘next boyfriend’?”

“Oh come on! You know I have no interest in Wade.”

“Do I?” Josh stared down at me. “How do I know you didn’t plan on being with him the moment you got rid of me?”

“Got rid…” I shook my head in disbelief. “You were the one who decided to end our relationship Josh, not me.”

“Well you didn’t put up too much of a fight.” He accused me. “At first I thought it was because you couldn’t wait to run to Jordan and finish what you started a few months ago but that wasn’t it, was it? You were going to screw him over and run to that little jerk.”

“What the hell have you been drinking?” I grabbed his cup and sniffed it. “I really think you better start hitting the water because you are losing it.”

“Why don’t you just admit that you are happy that we aren’t together? You can’t wait to get back out there and date every single guy who hits on you!”

“Oh for the love of God! Josh just stop it! You know damn well that I didn’t want to break up! I wanted to be with you but you decided that it would be best if we ended things because of all the drama in your life.” I threw his cup on the ground and went to him. “For your information Buddy,” I jabbed my finger into his chest. “I think that it was a shitty thing to do - to drop me because you got some other chick pregnant. Why didn’t you give me a chance huh? Why did you decide that we had to be over? Did you think it mattered to me if you had children with other women?” I paused for a second to take a breath. “I didn’t care Josh! Because, silly me, I figured that our feelings for each other were strong enough to get us through anything but you obviously didn’t feel that way!” Stepping back from him, I asked him why he didn’t feel that way. “Was everything a lie Josh? Were you just looking for a way out? Did you even love me?”

He didn’t reply.

“You didn’t, did you? You never loved me at all; you were just playing with me.”

“This is ridiculous!” He snapped. “Of course I love you Anna!”

“No,” I shook my head. “You don’t. You can’t. Why else would you insist we break up over the possibility that you might have fathered another child? It doesn’t make any sense - one minute you are asking my brother for my hand in marriage, he tell you ‘no’ and suddenly there’s…” I trailed off as I had a thought that made me sick to my stomach. “There isn’t another child, is there? You were just bored with me and you figured this was a good way to get rid of me. Make me think that you were upset with my brother saying no and then made up the baby story to throw me off what’s really going on. You never loved me!”

“And you think I’m the one who had too much to drink?” He shook his head in disbelief. “I never lied to you about the baby Anna and I never lied about my feelings for you!”

“Then give me her number.”

“What?”

“Give me her number; I want to talk to Tracy.”

“Like hell!” He started to walk away from me. “You’re crazy.”

“Don’t you walk away for me!” I grabbed his arm. “What are you so afraid of Josh? That I’ll find out you are full of crap?”

“I have nothing to be afraid of,” his eyes were as cold as his voice as he turned around to look at me. He got up in my face, “Are you really questioning my feelings for you? Do you really want her number?”

“Yes.”

“Fine,” he snapped as he told me her number.

Without taking a moment, I pulled out my cell, with my back to him, I dialled the number he gave me. A couple rings went through before I heard the voice of the ‘other’ woman. “Hi Tracy?”

“Yes,” she replied hesitantly. “How can I help you?”

“Hi,” I repeated. “This is Anna, I realize that you don’t -”

“Josh’s Anna?”

“Ummm…” I shifted from foot to foot, suddenly a little uncomfortable with the whole scene that led up to this phone call.

“You have to be Josh’s Anna, I don’t know any other Anna’s who would be calling me.” She sounded so friendly and so nice; I wanted to slap her around. “Josh has told me so much about you.”

“He did?” I glanced at Josh, he was toeing the ground as he listened to my side of the conversation.

“Yes, he did.”

“So…” I took a deep breath. “How’s the baby?”

She chuckled nervously, “Baby?”

No You Didn't!

The party was well underway; everywhere I looked people seemed to be having a good time.

Jordan was still down with the kids, running around and laughing with them; he looked like he was having the time of his life. Lindsay and Natalie were running around with him as well. Zack had slipped away from the crowd with Mary; they were standing in each other’s arms, talking. Mary was gazing up at him, her lips turned up in a smile; they looked like they were flirting. Chad stood with his arm around Susan while they talked with a group of guys from his work - Wade was among those people. Josh was down where the kids were, he wasn’t taking part in the fun, he was sitting on the grass with Jesse in his lap; they were playing together.

Armed with pop and food, I headed towards the house, to the front yard where Cassie and her friends were having their own little party like I used too when I was responsible for everyone leaving the party safely. I rounded the corner, glanced around quickly and stopped short, a smile on my face as I spotted my niece.

“Hey guys,” I walked up and dumped the drinks and food on the table. “How’s it going? Are you having fun? Did you need anything?”

“We’re having a blast!” One of Cassie’s friends squealed. “You guys always throw the best parties!”

I smiled as Cassie came over to me. “How’s it going with you?” I asked, wondering what was up with her and Ben - they seemed to be deep in conversation as they sat together when I walked up.

“I don’t know,” she grinned. “We were just talking and…” she shrugged happily.

“Well I hope it works out the way you want it Cass,” I gave her a quick hug. “I’m going to head back, unless you need me?”

“No, we are fine,” she started to shoo me away. “I’ll call you if I need anything else.” I started to turn away when she stopped me. “Aunt Anna? Do you think that we can talk tomorrow?” She glanced over her shoulder briefly. “I think I might need someone to listen.”

“Of course!” I exclaimed. “I’ll be ready whenever you are! Just find me when you are ready.”

I watched as she returned to her seat next to Ben. When she was seated, he flipped his hand over, resting it on his knee, as he held it open for her. Cassie hesitated for a moment, and then she smiled as she slipped her hand into his; his fingers curled around her hand. If you didn’t know them, you would be surprise to learn that only a couple months ago Cassie sat in Jordan’s living room swearing up and down that she would never be with him again. Yet, that’s what it looked like was happening. I knew she was missing him - she told me that much a couple weeks before. I knew that Ben had begged her for forgiveness and asked for another chance; swearing he would do anything she wanted if she would give him that chance.

As I thought about them, I started to wonder how Jordan would react to my break up. Would he be the friend I need him to be? Or will he start to push for me to give him a chance? I guess I’ll find out after I tell him, I thought.

After telling the kids to have fun, movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. “Heather? Hank?” I started forward. “Oh my, I haven’t seen you guys in forever!” I hugged them both, “What are you doing here? Are you here for the party?” I didn’t give them a chance to answer, I linked my arms through both of their’s and tried to lead them to the party.

“We just came for Jenna,” Heather explained. “Jordan asked for a couple extra hours so that he could bring her out here for the party.”

“Oh,” I frowned. “I thought he had her for the night?”

“I could go get Jenna if you two want to talk,” Hank said about the same time I asked my question.

“That would be great,” Heather gave him a kiss before he walked way. “Jordan wanted her tonight,” she told me once Hank was out of ear shot. “But we are going to visit Hank’s family for a couple days and we’ll be leaving early in the morning.”

“Oh, well, that makes sense.”

“Uh huh,” she nodded but didn’t say anything else; even though she looked like she had a lot on her mind.

“So? How have you been? How are the wedding plans -?”

“I can’t believe you are letting him go to California!”

“Excuse me?” I blinked in surprise. “Why do you think I have any control over what Jordan does?”

Rolling her eyes she told me that I had more control over Jordan’s actions than he did. “I can’t believe you aren’t trying to talk him out of this ridiculous flirtation with the Cali girl! He can’t do this! I’m not going to send Jenna off to California to visit her dad.”

“Wait a minute Heather,” I pulled her away a little further away from Cassie’s group so they wouldn’t hear what we were talking about. “First off, Jordan isn’t looking to move there, he’s just trying to find a woman to make him happy.”

“Have you met her?” She crossed her arms. I shook my head. “Well I have,” she informed me. “I dropped Jenna off while she was here, and I have to say, I wasn’t too impressed by her. I don’t know what Jordan sees in her, she’s not that pretty and she’s not that smart. She isn’t good enough for him Anna, you have to do something.”

I found Heather’s reaction a little over the top. Shouldn’t she be glad that he’s seeing someone? I asked her that and she scoffed. “If he was seeing someone he really liked, instead of someone who he’s using to kill time, then no, I wouldn’t have a problem. Anna, who he sees has an effect on my daughter and I don’t like the vibe that woman was giving off when I met her.”

“Heather, Jordan is a 24 year old male; he is probably going to date a few women before he settles down. You can’t expect him not to introduce any of them to Jenna when he feels the time is right. She means the world to him, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her but it’s unfair to ask him not to see someone because you don’t like her ‘vibe’.”

“How can you be so calm about this Anna? Jordan is talking about doing something he’ll regret and you are just going to let him?” She groaned in frustration. “I thought you loved him Anna but I was wrong.”

“Of course I love him Heather but he deserves to be happy and if trekking halfway across the continent for some whore makes him happy then I guess it’s all good.”

Suddenly a smile appeared on Heather’s face. “Ah ha!” She pointed at me. “You aren’t happy about the Cali girl! You called her a whore.”

“Well,” I crossed my arms. “I didn’t meet her, so I really shouldn’t make rash judgements like that.”

She gasped, “You didn’t meet her?”

“Nope and it seems like I’m the only one who hasn’t.” Heather was floored by that, she asked me why and I told her I didn’t know. “I guess I wasn’t available to meet with them while she was here.”

Hank came back with Jenna and Jordan so that pretty much ended our conversation. I wandered off as Jordan started to share with them what Jenna did over the weekend.
I didn’t get too far into the crowd when I heard Wade’s voice as clear as day, “Nice to meet you Josh, I’m Wade - Anna’s next boyfriend.”

Ride With Me

As much as I hated to admit that a relationship I was so sure would last, was over, I knew that I couldn’t keep it from Jordan; he knew me. If I didn’t tell him, he would see the change in me - in my relationship with Josh. Jordan would notice that I wasn’t out with Josh as much, he would start asking questions when I stopped rambling on about Josh and he certainly would notice the lack of affection between us.

Sure, I was all over Josh the moment I saw him at the party but who could blame me? I didn’t want to break up with him. If it was up to me, I would’ve been in his arms. But it wasn’t really up to me, you can’t force someone to be with you and Josh didn’t feel that his life was in order enough for us to be together.

I knew I had to tell him, not only because he was my friend and he cared about me. No, I needed to tell him for me. I needed to admit, out loud, to everyone who mattered to me, that Josh and I were over.

If only the words were easy to say. If only it was easy to admit that you failed.

“Anna?”

I glanced up when Jordan said my name.

“What were you saying Babe? Some thing about Josh?” His face twisted as if he caught the whiff of something awful. “He didn’t ask you to marry -”

“No, Jordy,” I sighed. “The thing is -”

“Uncle Jordan! Uncle Jordan! Uncle Jordan!” We turned to see my youngest niece, Natalie, running towards us looking rather upset. “Uncle Jordan!” She came to a halt at our feet. Planting her hand on her hip, Natalie told him she was upset and he just had to fix it now.

Chuckling softly, Jordan asked her what he could do for her.

“Your baby stole my doll Uncle Jordan! She won’t give it back!” It was funny to watch her as she spoke, she gestured wildly with her hands - throwing them up in the air after she said Jenna wouldn’t give her doll back.

“Nat, Jenna is just playing; it’s not a big deal.”

Natalie’s eyes widened, you would think Jordan told her the world was ending. “Playing? Lulu is my doll Uncle Jordan! I was playing with her and Jenna stole her from me! I told her ‘no’ and she ran away!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, my niece, the drama queen,” I laughed as she shot me a dirty look. “It’s ok Natty, Uncle Jordy will get your doll back but honey, did you ever think that Jenna wants to play with you?”

Her forehead wrinkled as she frowned at m, “Play with me?”

“Yes,” I bent down so I was at her level. “Jenna doesn’t have that many little girls to play with Nat; the only kids around her age are Conner and Jess, and they are busy playing together.”

“Hey, wait a minute,” Jordan looked hurt. “There’s nothing wrong with having two boys as friends, you turned out alright!”

“Oh Jordy,” I reached up to pinch his cheek. “I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. I meant that Jenna probably wanted to play dolls as opposed to playing cars.”

“Action figures?” He questioned hopefully.

“No, Jordy, dolls. Dress up. Make up -”

“Whoa, stop right there, she’s only one Anna, no make up until she’s 70.”

He looked so serious, I just had to laugh. “70?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “I should be senile at that time, so I won’t even notice.”

“Uncle Jordan!” Natalie tugged on his shirt impatiently. “Can I have my doll please?”

“Oh alright,” Jordan groaned reluctantly. “We’ll get your doll but then your aunt has to save a dance for me.”

Natalie looked up at me, “Aunt Anna you’ll dance with Uncle Jordan, right? Cause I really want my Lulu back.”

I love my nieces; I would do anything for them. Luckily this time, what Natalie wanted, wasn’t something I wouldn’t want to do. I loved to dance with Jordan, he has so much energy and he knows how to have fun. Dancing with him is always an adventure; you never know what he’s going to do. “Well if I have too.” Jordan and Natalie both told me that I did. “Ok,” I pointed at Jordan. “You get her doll and I’ll be yours…”

He grinned.

I continued, “For one dance.”

He screwed up his face as he stuck out his tongue at me. “Come on Nat,” he took her hand. “Let’s go see what Jenna is up too.”

“Oh! Oh!” Natalie started jumping around, tugging on Jordy’s arm, like the little girl she is. “Can I have a ride Uncle Jordan? Pleezeee?”

He considered her for a second. “Sure,” he swat down with his back to her. “Hop on up in the saddle little girl.”

Once Natalie climbed up in his back, Jordan slowly rose to his feet. “I’m off to fight the good fight, little lady,” he winked at me and with a hop, he took off across the lawn with Natalie clinging to him while laughing.

Telling Him

“Take his keys,” I whispered to Cassie before Jordan joined us. She shot me a questioning look and I smiled, “If I tell him Wade is here, the first thing he’s going to want to do is leave.”

She clued in, “But if I have his keys, he can’t leave.”

“Exactly!”

“Exactly what?” Jordan asked as he rested his chin on my shoulder and I felt his hand on my waist. “What are you two planning?”

“To get you drunk and take advantage of you?” I replied jokingly.

He laughed and whispered, “We’ll see who is taking who,” in my ear before pulling away from me.

From the look on Cassie’s face, he didn’t whisper low enough; I thought her eyes were going to bug out of her head. “Close your mouth,” I hissed. “Get the keys.”

“Oh, oh!” Cassie looked at Jordan who was bouncing Jenna in his arms, laughing as she cracked up. “Jordan, I’ll need your keys.” Jordan raised a brow, “It’s a requirement to come into daddy’s party,” she reminded him.

“Yes, I remember,” he smiled. “Did you know your Aunt Anna and I used to do this when we were your age too? Stand out here, goofing off, in between stealing keys from partygoers and then driving said partygoers home after they got shitfaced.”

“It sucks,” Cassie pouted.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It does but think of all the cool cars you get to drive!”

“Ben won’t let me drive the cars,” she told him and I started to laugh.

“Wow, that sounds just like you!” I slapped my hand on Jordan’s shoulder and gave him a little push. “I recall being told a girl doesn’t know how to handle a car, let alone one with a stick.” And before I could stop myself I added, “I’ll have you know Jordy, I’m very capable of handling a stick.”

Without missing a beat, he replied, “I guess you’ll have to take me out for a spin, then, Babe.”
Cassie gasped.

Jordan slowly turned his gaze in her direction, “I…umm…” he stammered as he turned a little red. “Cassie! What do you think about Jenna’s dress?” He asked to change the subject.

“It’s very pretty,” Cassie said in a child-like voice as she poked at Jenna; Jenna didn’t like that, she pulled away from Cassie to bury her face against Jordan’s shoulder.

“Jenna!” Jordan tried to pull her away from him but she wouldn’t let go. “Now I know you aren’t that shy. Say hello to Cassie.” Jenna shook her head, “No? Oh ok, do you want to dance with daddy?” She looked up. “Yeah,” He smiled, “I knew you’d go for that.”

“Well ladies,” Jordan pulled out his keys. “It was a slice but I have a date to impress.”
He started to walk away and Cassie jabbed me in the ribs, “Aunt Anna! Wade!”

“Damn!” I took off after him. “Jordy wait up!” When I caught up with him, he asked what was up. “Well, see, I have something to tell you.”

“You want to run away with me?”

“Ha ha,” I rolled my eyes. “No, I ran into someone today at the liquor store and they showed up here tonight.”

“What?” He looked pissed, “You think I want to know that you are inviting strange men here when…oh forget it.”

“Jordan!” I grabbed his arm before he could turn away. “I didn’t run into some strange man and invite him here! I ran into Wade, and apparently he knows Chad because Chad invited him here.”

“Wait,” he waved his hand at me. “Are you telling me that that fu -” he bit his lip when he realized he was still holding Jenna. “No,” he shook his head, “I’m not staying here, not with that.” But he didn’t move.

“Look Jordan, he said that you jumped to the wrong -”

“Oh did he?” Jordan chuckled. “Cozied up to him, did you? Let him whisper in your ear? Tell you how wrong I am?”

“Grrr!” I threw my hands up in the air. “Jordy for the love of God! Is it possible that you were wrong? That you wanted to believe it because you weren’t happy with Bella?”

For the longest time he just stood there staring at me, his jaw twitching. When he finally spoke, he took his time. “Of course I wanted to believe that Anna; how could I not? I was fooling myself, thinking that Bella and I would work. How could we work when I didn’t love her?” He snorted, “The woman I love isn’t in love with me.”

I knew he felt that way about me, and to be honest, I thought that it was a phase and that he would get over it. It’s been six months since he first told me that he loved me and despite all that has happened between us - the fights, the ‘break up’ of our friendship and everything else - he still insists that he loves me.

“Jordy,” I sighed.

“Hey Uncle Jordy!” Lindsay came running up, slightly out of breath. “All the little kids are playing down by the play gym,” she gently stroked Jenna’s head. “Do you want to come play with Conner and Jesse and the others Jenna?”

Jenna glanced at Jordan, “Sweetheart, if you want to go play, you can.” With the biggest grin I ever saw, Jenna slid out of her daddy’s arms and right into Lindsay’s arms. “Have fun baby!” Jordan called as Lindsay walked away with her.

Once they were gone, Jordan and I stood there in an awkward silence, something that barely ever happened to us. After a few minutes, I figured it would be best if I excused myself, so I told him I would see him a little later.

“Hey Anna?” Jordan called out to me as I walked away.

“Yeah?” I spun around to find him right behind me. “Hey,” I chuckled nervously.

He didn’t say anything; he took my face in his hands. I froze, my heart was beating really fast, I swear everyone around us could hear it. I knew that he as thinking, his green eyes told it all as they darkened.

I had a split second to think this whole thing through, if I kissed him it could open up a whole can of worms that I knew I wasn't ready for, especially with my feeling being all over the place because of Josh. If I didn't kiss him, he would get upset and...

"Anna," he sighed as his thumb rubbed over my bottom lip. "I want to kiss you so badly," he admitted. Resting his forehead against mine, he wrapped his arms around my waist. "I can't get you out of my head - I can't. I don't know what I'm going to do, I really don't. I mean," he sighed heavily. "You are in love with Josh."

"Jordan," I shook my head, "About that..."