Regret Is A Dish No One Likes

I panicked and I ran. I kissed Jordan and I ran. Well, actually he kissed me but it doesn’t matter who kissed who, I still ran. I tried to reason that I did it because Cassie was coming down the stairs and I didn’t want her to see me in my underwear but I knew that really wasn’t the reason.

I paced the floor, why people do this when something serious happens, I don’t know. All I know is that whatever pacing is supposed to do, it wasn’t doing it for me at that moment. I stopped and stared at my rumpled bed, it wasn’t that long ago I was in Josh’s arms wishing he didn’t have to go. How on earth did I get from that to kissing Jordan in the family room in my underwear? No matter how often I asked myself that question, the answer was always the same, I don’t know.

I wanted to scream. I love Jordan, I do, he’s my best friend and has always been there for me but am I in love with him?

Knock. Knock. “Anna?” I jumped up to the door; I didn’t want him to come in. Opening the door, I peeked out at Jordan. “Hey Babe.” He smiled as he leaned against the doorframe. “Cassie wanted to talk to you.” He nodded to my niece, who was sitting on the couch wait.

“Oh ok. I’m just getting dressed.” I told her. Closing the door, I leaned back against it. He needs to go. I didn’t feel like dealing with him right now, I was so confused and afraid that he’d want to kiss me again, or talk about it. I wasn’t sure how I felt about happened, and it’s a big deal, I never thought Jordan would feel that way about me. Sure, when we were in high school, I had sometimes thought that it would be great if we were a couple but would it really? If something happened and we spilt up, would that be the end of our friendship? Then again, what if he’s what I’m looking for? Am I crazy for second guessing myself here? He is my best friend, why wouldn’t that chemistry be there if we dated? His kisses didn’t make me nauseous, it might work. On the other hand there’s Josh. Mmmmmm, Josh!

“Anna, are you ok in there?” Jordan was calling out to me again.

I shook my head, no, I’m not. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

I needed time; I didn’t want to see him right now. I needed a plan to get him out of the house. But how do you tell the guy that just kissed you, who is probably looking forward to doing it again, that you want him to leave? I couldn’t tell him that, he’d want to know why and he’d want to talk about it. How am I…? My eyes fell to my phone, I had an idea.

Picking up the receiver I called Jordan’s parents house, praying that Mike would answer. He did. After making small talk, asking his how he was, how Eric was and if he had a good time last night, I told him I needed a favor. “Sure anything for you Anna.”

I took a deep breath. “Could you get Jordan out of here? For a couple hours? I need some time by myself and after what happened and I don’t know how to tell him to leave without upsetting him.” Mike was quiet, so quiet that I thought the line was disconnected. “Mike?”

“Care to tell me why you’d want to get rid of my brother?” He didn’t sound too happy about what I had asked, and frankly I didn’t blame him, he doesn’t like being used as a go between when it comes to the guys.

I sighed, “It’s a long story Mike, and one I don’t want to get into right now. Will you do it? Please? You know I wouldn’t ask if there was another way.”

“How about you tell him you want him to leave? That would be the best way.”

“Mike, please?” I wasn’t above begging at that moment.

He sighed, “Fine, I’ll do it. But if he finds out, I was totally against getting involved.” I agreed and we said goodbye.

I felt horrible as I hung up the phone but I also felt relief. I threw on some clothes and went out into the family room as Jordan flipped his phone closed. “Hey Cassie.” I joined her on the couch. I glanced up at Jordan; he was looking at his phone with a bewildered expression on his face. Picking up a cushion I tossed it at him, it hit him on the shoulder. “Hey you, everything ok?”

He looked up at me, nodded and put his phone away. “It was weird, Mike just called.” I raised a questioning brow. “He wants me to go hang out with him and Eric, said that he felt that Eric and I should get to know each other better. That he doesn’t think that I really took the time to try to know Eric and he was afraid that I was taking my anger of his sexual preference out on his boyfriend.”

Silently, I cursed Mike. Did he have to make up such a detailed excuse? “Oh? Are you?” When Jordan found out that Mike was gay, he was the one who took it the hardest. He didn’t talk to him for almost two years. Jordan grew up idolizing his older brother; he was everything that Jordan wanted to be so when Mike came out, Jordan thought in some way he was lied to, cheated.

“No! I think Eric’s a good guy, I just had other things on my mind yesterday.” He gave me a knowing look, and smiled.

“Well, that’s great. I think you should go; it’ll be good to spend some time with them. You never know when Mike will be back again.” I said, maybe a little too eagerly.

He frowned, “But I…” He glanced at Cassie, then back to me. “How about you come with me?” When I told him I couldn’t, I had plans with Cassie, and he gave me a funny look. “She just told me that she was going to her boyfriend’s house.” I turned to Cassie and she nodded. Damn!

“Well, umm…” I was grasping for straws, I didn’t know what to say. “Jordy, I’m sure Mike wouldn’t want me to tag alone, besides I’d be the odd one out, being a girl and all.”

“Not at all, Mike said Nick and Amy were at moms, so you wouldn’t be left out. Maybe we could all do something together, it’d be great!” I could see the wheels turning in his head; he was making plans so we could all spend the day together, like one big happy family. “Unless you…” He was watching me closely and the smiled disappeared from his face. The worst thing about Jordan, he knew me too well, he knew whenever I was nervous and when I was trying to hid something. “You called him, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t look at him. “What?” I chuckled, “Why would I call him?”

“You did call him!” There was an edge to his voice that I didn’t hear too often, he was mad. “Why would you do that? Did you want to get rid of me?” I didn’t say anything, I just stared at him. “You wanted to get rid of me?”

“Jordy, it’s…”

“Don’t ‘Jordy’ me!” He cut me off. “If you didn’t want me around, all you had to do was say so! I’m outta here!” He headed for the stairs, taking them two at a time.

“Jordy!” I called out to him but he was already half up the stairs. I jumped up and ran after him. “Please Jordan stop!”

I caught up to him in the hallway outside the living room, where he had stopped to get dressed for outside. He had finished putting on his jacket and had his hand on the doorknob. “Jordan, please wait.” I grabbed his arm, he turned his head, looking at my hand then up at me.

“Why Anna?” His voice was calm but his eyes were windows into the depth of his anger.

I looked into those eyes, and I hated myself more than I ever thought I could. It’s hard to see a friend hurting; it’s even harder when you are the one who hurt them. I bowed my head, “I’m sorry.” I whispered.

He scoffed, “Sorry?” The anger was back in his voice. “You’re only sorry I found out. You know Anna; I didn’t expect you to jump for joy when you found out, although I had hoped. But I had thought that we’d at least talk about it. I love you so much, I thought you would at least give me a chance, but I guess I was wrong.” He turned back to the door and opened it. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a pity-induced invitation to spend time with my brothers.” He walked through the doorway and was gone, the click of the door closing sounded so…final.

In a daze, I turned slowly to go back downstairs only to see my family sitting in the living room, all their eyes on me. No one said a word. I found I couldn’t look at them.

Zack finally broke the silence. “Trouble in Paradise?"

I muttered, “Shut up.” Then I made my way down to my room.

Jumping into my bed, I pulled the blankets up over my head. In the last couple hours I’ve gone from waking up really happy to possibly losing my best friend. Happy New Year to me!