Facing My Fear

Fingers gently stroking my cheek woke me from my crazy dream of running around to find a bathroom that is working and has all its doors in the proper places. Opening my eyes, I stared sleepily up at Jordan, his features barely visible in the early light. “Hey.”

He kissed my cheek and fell to the bed next to me, his arm slipped around my waist. When he spoke, his voice was almost a whisper against my ear. “So how are you feeling?”

I grinned and pulled the blankets tighter to my body, “I feel great.” I glanced at him, “How about you?”

He rolled onto his back and stretched out beside me, pulling the blankets down around his hips in the process. “Wonderful.”

Laughing, I raised myself up on my elbow and leaned in over him, my hand resting against his bare chest. “I think I’m going to go get something to eat and then shower.”

He turned his head and glanced at the clock. “Babe it’s only 6 am, you can stay here for a while longer.”

“I could,” I agreed as I moved back towards the edge of the bed. “But I think today is going to be emotionally draining so I’d like to get that over with early.”

“Wouldn’t you rather stay here in my nice warm bed than go out in the freezing cold and snow?” He lifted the blankets and patted the bed in front of him.

“As tempting as that offer is I think I better get my day started.” I picked up one of his sweatshirts. “Can I borrow this? I’ll bring it back later.” He shrugged as he watched me pull the shirt on over my normal pjs.

“I might as well get up too.” He pushed back the sheets and rolled out of bed, onto the floor.

I laughed at him, “Stop peddling crack!” I threw his pillow at him as he reached back to grip the waist band of his pj pants, looking over his shoulder; he tugged them down further instead of up, mooning me.

“Ohhh, come on! No one wants to see that!” I shook my head and left his room.

After a quick stop in the bathroom, I continued on my way down the hall into the kitchen. Flipping the switch on the wall, I blinked as my eyes tried to get used to the light. I was making toast when Jordan joined me. “Hey Babe?” He had his back against the counter; his hands were resting on the edge. I smiled at him but he wasn’t looking at me, he was focused on the floor in front of him. “Are you going to tell Josh about last night?”
“I don’t see why not.” I replied as I pulled my toast from the toaster.

“I don’t think you really need to tell him. It wouldn’t harm anything if you didn’t.” He stole one of my toast and started to eat it as he headed for the table.

“Jordy, nothing happened.” I lowered myself into the chair next to him, “Sure we kissed, but that’s all.”

“And you woke up in my arms this morning.”

I sighed, “So? If he doesn’t like it then too bad but I’m not going to hide it, like I’m ashamed that it happened. If I didn’t say anything and he found out, I don’t think it would go over all that well.”

Jordan looked thoughtful for a moment; I thought that he was going to have something important to say when he finally opened his mouth. “Are you going to eat that?” He pointed at my toast and grinned.

“Get your own!” I answered as I sunk my teeth into the thick layer of peanut butter and jam.

It was 7 by the time I had finished breakfast, had my shower and gotten dressed. I was on my way out the door when I realized that I didn’t know where Josh lived. Grabbing the phone book that rested under my phone, I quickly looked through the B’s trying to find his number to see if they listed his address but his number wasn’t even listed. “Great.” I sighed, tossing the phone book aside.

I had two choices; I could call him and tell him I’m coming over, warning him. Or I could call my brother and ask him for his address. Neither choice was one that I really wanted to take, they both had their own set of drawbacks, but seeing that I wanted to surprise Josh, I picked up the phone and called my brother.

“Anna, is everything ok?” Zach’s worried voice came over the line after the second ring. I reassured him that everything was fine. “Then why the hell are you calling me at 7 in the morning? You never call me this early.”

“I needed some information Zach.” I paused for a moment, “About Josh.”

I could hear him sigh, “Anna I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. I don’t want to know. And don’t get me involved.”

“Come on Zach, I only need you to tell me where he lives.”

“Why not just call him and ask? Anna, really leave me out of it.” Zach’s voice took on that ‘authoritative’ tone that he used when working and I hated it.

“Fine, I’ll leave you out of it! Funny though, he knew where I lived.” There wasn’t that many that could’ve told him where that was. He relented a bit, asking me why I wanted to know. “I need to talk to him Zach; it’s very important and can’t wait any longer.”

“I’ll tell you but I need you to promise me something first.” My brother’s voice had a hint of concern in it. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was concern for me or for Josh. I asked him what he wanted. “There are things you don’t know about him, I want you to promise me that you’ll be careful. I don’t want anyone hurt.”

Is that a warning to stay away? I couldn’t help but wonder. I asked him what he meant by that but he wouldn’t say anything else but gave me Josh’s address and then said good bye.

I stood there staring at the receiver in my hand, wondering if I should go through with this after all. Jordan had come out of the bathroom and was standing watching me. “Are you sure you want to do this babe?”

I smiled at him over my shoulder and nodded, “It’s about time I found out.” I said as I made my way out the door.

The drive over to Josh’s wasn’t that long, I wasn’t as confident as I sat outside his apartment building. An apartment? I still couldn’t wrap my mind around that one, I figured that he would have a house, the one he had five years ago was really nice and property here was cheaper than where he lived before. I saw his car parked on the street, so I figured that he was home and that made me more nervous. Get to it! I told myself. Taking a couple deep breaths, I turned off my car and jumped out, quickly making my way across the street and up the stairs to his door before I changed my mind.

I stared at the ‘14’ on the door for a moment, lifting my trembling hand I traced the numbers with my fingers, then closed my eyes and knocked on the door.

Listening for sounds of life, I was kind of disappointed when I didn’t hear anything. Glancing at my watch, 7:30, he’s probably still sleeping. I sighed and started to turn away from his door when I hear a lock turn and the door opened.

Josh looked like he was still asleep; his hair was all over the place, he had lines on his face from the wrinkles in the pillow or sheets and his eyes were barely opened. “Anna?” He frowned as he looked at me, then he looked at something behind him before turning back to me. “What are you doing here?”

I wanted to say something, anything but all I could think was oh my god, what am I doing? This is a mistake. The nauseous feeling that I had while sitting in the car returned, only this time it was ten times worst, I have to get out of here. “Sorry.” I mumbled before heading for the stairs.