I Believe In Love

Why daddy kiss mommy?

I stared at Jess is disbelief; I must have heard that wrong! There’s no way that Josh would be that stupid, that much of a hypocrite. Is there? I felt nauseous, my stomach was turning and I swear my heart had jumped into my throat, I wasn’t even sure I could breathe anymore.

I needed to know more but as I looked at Jesse’s worried expression, I knew there was no way I could subject him to the machine gun round of questions that just into my head the moment he asked that question. He’s just a little kid, I told myself. What if it wasn’t what he thought? What if it was like the time that he told Josh Hank kissed me and it was just on the cheek. What if Carol was just having a back day and Josh was trying to calm her down? What if it was just a kiss on the cheek?

“Ama? Why daddy kiss mommy?” Jess asked again.

“I don’t know,” I finally found my voice. “You will have to ask daddy that question sweetie.” I didn’t want to talk about it anymore; I didn’t even what to think about it so I changed the subject. “Are you hungry?” I asked him as I heard Josh coming down the hall, whistling.

When Josh turned the corner, I couldn’t even look at him; I concentrated on Jesse who had said he was hungry. “Did you want a grilled cheese sandwich?”

“Yes Ama,” Jess gave me a grin. “But no brown, otay Ama?”

“He means crust,” Josh told me as he sat down next to us and moved to wrap his arm around me.

“I know,” my reply was a little icy and I still couldn’t look at him nor could I stand to have him touch me at that moment; I moved away from him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him frown as he looked at me. “Go with daddy,” I told Jess as I gripped him by the waist and plopped him on Josh’s lap.

I was up and off the couch before Josh asked me what was wrong, I pretended I didn’t hear him as I made a beeline right for the kitchen; I needed something to do and making Jess something to eat was going to have to do.

“Anna?” I heard Josh call after me and then heard Jess say, “I ask you daddy.”

“You ask me what Jess?” Josh must have gotten off the couch with Jess because I swear his voice was getting closer to the kitchen. He did and it was; he turned the corner just after he spoke to Jess. “Anna what’s going on?”

“I ask you daddy!”

Josh looked back and forth between Jess and me – I was ignoring him, kind of, as I grabbed margarine and cheese from his fridge and Jesse looked upset with him. “Ok,” Josh said slowly. “What did you want to ask me Jesse?”

Jesse took a deep breath, “I ask why daddy kiss mommy.”

“What?” Josh started to laugh but stopped suddenly. “WHAT?” He was at my side; he sat Jess on the counter and reached out to me. “Anna please,” he said softly when I yanked my arm away from his hand. “You know –”

“I’m kind of busy right now,” I told him as I slapped a couple slices of bread onto the counter and then ripped the cover off the margarine. “Jess wants a grilled cheese sandwich without the crusts.”

“Anna come on, I think we should –”

I turned to glare at him. “Leave me alone,” I said through clenched teeth. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.” I didn’t wait for him to say anything; I turned away from him once again.

He tried once again to get me to look at him but I walked away from him. I know it wasn’t right to not let him explain but damn, I was a little shocked and hurt that I found out from Jesse that Josh kissed Carol. Josh sighed, told Jesse they would go play while I finished making his sandwich for him.

Once they were back into the living room and I was standing over the stove grilling the sandwich, I started to think about what Jess said. I was mad and yet I knew I was being hypocritical too; I hated it when Josh didn’t let me explain and yet I was not letting him do it either.

“Jesse your sandwich is ready,” I called out a couple minutes later.

“I come Ama!” He called back.

I had just placed his plate and glass of juice on the table when Josh came over with him in his arms. I turned and went back into the kitchen where I was making another sandwich and had a couple more waiting to be grilled.

Once Jess was settled, Josh came into the kitchen with me. “Anna I want you –” I flipped the sandwich I was grilling onto a plate and shoved it at him before turning to put another one into the pan. “Thanks Honey,” he said as he placed the plate onto the counter. “But I think we should talk –”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I told him. “It’s ok.”

“What do you mean its ok? How can it be ok if you are mad at me?”

I shrugged, flipped the sandwich in the pan and sighed. “Just go eat.”

“No Anna, you can’t just dismiss me like this! I know you are upset; you can’t even look at me! I don’t want to ‘go eat’ I want to talk about this right now.”

Slowly I turned towards him and stared up at him. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I told him. “Unless you are a complete hypocrite, I believe Jess made a mistake, that the ‘kiss’ he’s talking about was an innocent one, like on the cheek or something like that. I like to believe that I can trust you when you tell me that you love me and you want to be with me.” I paused for a second to remove the grilled sandwich from the pan and put the last one in. “Now,” I turned back to him. “If I’m completely wrong about you, then I suggest you take over this pan so I can leave. If I’m right and it was just a kiss on the cheek, I suggest you take both those sandwiches to the table and eat them so we can bathe Jess and get ready to go to your parents’ house.”

I couldn’t believe how confident I sounded when I was trembling like a scared little girl on the inside, I thought I would die as he stood there and stared down at me. Move, I pleaded. Take the plate and move towards the table before I lose it and cry like a little baby.

Josh made a move but it wasn’t one I was expecting, he removed the flipper from my hand and my heart dropped.

“I love you,” he murmured as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me softly. Without another word, he released me, picked up his plate and made his way to the table, whistling happily as he went.

Oh my God! I slumped against the counter, relief washing over me as my heart returned to its normal place in my chest.

Curious Little Boy

The first thing that was ahead for us was his family’s BBQ that afternoon. Josh told me that we would head over to his parents house around two. “We probably won’t be eating until 5 or so but everyone always goes early to help out or to hang out.”

It was almost noon before we knew it, we were still laying in bed talking about various things from family and friends, to work and what we wanted to do this summer; Josh was determined to carry out the plans he had for our weekend alone that was cancelled the month before.

“I’m just not sure what to do about Jess,” he told me. “I don’t want to ask Carol to take him for a couple days and I’m not sure about leaving him with anyone for the weekend.”

“We can always take him with us,” I offered but I didn’t really want too when it was supposed to be us alone, maybe that was selfish of me.

Josh sighed, “I guess we could…” He frowned suddenly and turned his head away from me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked when he grunted ‘huh’.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he pulled away from me to sit up in bed. “It’s just odd that Jesse hasn’t been in here yet to get me up.” I watched Josh as he swung his legs over the edge of the mattress to stand up. “I’m going to check on him,” he stated while tugging his pj pants on.

“Ok,” I replied but it didn’t matter, he was already out the door.

A couple minutes later, he came back into the room with a shocked/impressed expression on his face. “Jess is still sleeping,” he said as he plopped down on the bed and stared at me. “I went in there and he’s snoring away!”

I smiled, “Well honey he did have a lot of fresh air yesterday and didn’t get to bed until after his normal bed time; that’s probably why he’s still sleeping.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes,” I smiled. “We wore him out finally!”

Josh laughed as he joined me under the covers once again. “I didn’t think that was even possible!”

I told him that it must be because Jess was sleeping still and we were wide awake. “What did you want to do now?” I asked while I curled up next to him. “Where you still hungry?”

Josh chuckled, he told me he was hungry still but he didn’t want to get up or let me out of his arms. We spent a few minutes talking about how cool life would be if we were capable of magic but in the end, we reluctantly got up.

The couple hours between the time we got up and the time we left for his parents’ house passed by rather quickly. After we got up, Josh suggested that we both shower, “Together,” he said firmly. “Have to save water you know,” he joked when I gave him a questioning look.

“You just want me naked and wet,” I replied and he didn’t even bother to deny it, he told me that there was nothing wrong with him wanting to see his girlfriend wearing only what God gave her.

When we came out of the bathroom wrapped in towels, we were a little surprised to see a sleepy Jesse lying on the floor by the bathroom door. “Jess?” Josh knelt down as Jesse sat up. “How long have you been up?”

Jess scratched his head as he thought about Josh’s question. “This long daddy,” he held his arms as far apart as he could. “My tummy making noise daddy.”

Josh scooped Jess off the floor and stood up. Turning to me, he asked if I wouldn’t mind going to get dressed first and then watch Jess while he did. I didn’t mind at all. So as I walked down the hallway to his room, he made his way over to the couch to sit down with Jess.

Closing the door part way, I went over to my overnight bag and pulled out shorts and a t-shirt which I was planning on wearing until just before we left for his parents’ place. Once I was dressed, I returned to the living room, received a kiss from Josh as I joined him on the couch before he disappeared to get dressed.

Jess was still pretty sleepy, he had crawled up in my lap when Josh got off the couch and now he was snuggled up in my arms, so quiet that I wondered if he had fallen back to sleep.

At least I was wondering until he lifted his head suddenly to stare at me in confusion. “Ama love daddy?”

I smiled, “Yes Jess, I love your daddy.”

He frowned, his blue eyes looking even more confused. “Daddy love Ama?”

“Yes Jesse, your daddy loves me; he told you that yesterday, remember?”

The frown on his face eased a little as he said, “Oh Jesse member.”

He didn’t say anything again and I thought he was done but moments before he spoke again, he looked puzzled and his eyebrow rose as he stared up at me. “Ama why daddy kiss mommy?”

Moments You Never Forget

There is something about having the man you love strip for you. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate Chippendale’s routine or anything cheesy like that, just knowing that he is doing it for you and only you, is enough. Or at least it was for me that morning.

The second Josh gripped his pj bottoms to yank them down his muscular legs, I thought I was about to faint; it had been so long, I felt like it was the first time all over again. “Josh…” I tried to utter a coherent sentence telling him how sexy he was but his name was all that came out, it was like I forgot to speak as I gazed at him.

“Anna…” he joined me on the bed, pulling me close to his naked body as his hand slipped up over my thigh to my bum. Gripping my bum, he chuckled and said, “Step one: Start your partner’s engine.”

I gave him a puzzled look, it didn’t make any sense what he said, in fact I thought I heard wrong. “What?”

He didn’t reply right away, instead, he started to kiss my neck while his hand held me firm against him. “Step two,” he whispered hoarsely. “Get her naked.”

“Josh what are you saying?” I tried to push him away to see if he was losing his mind but he wouldn’t stop kissing me. “Josssh…” my eyelids fluttered as his lips closed on my earlobe.

“Step three…” his hand slid back down my thigh, down to my knee where he stopped to hook my leg over his hip. In one swift movement, he jerked backwards until he was on his back and I was half lying on top of him. He started to laugh, “Ok that didn’t go as smooth as I hoped it would!” His hands were at my waist, ‘positioning’ me on top of him. “Step three,” he repeated while gazing up at my confused expression. “Make love.”

I was still as I lay on top of him, he had completely thrown me off and I felt a little silly. “Josh I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“No?” He raised a brow; his hands were caressing my bum as he spoke. “You asked me if kissing was all that it took.” Without waiting to see if I understood what he was talking about, he started to kiss me again.

Some where between the moment his hands left my bum to help me out of my shirt, I realized that he was talking about making babies. Oh my God! I could feel my whole body come alive; was it the fact that Josh was talking about making love or the fact that he was already naked and hard, wanting me that made every nerve in my body come to life? It didn’t matter; all I knew was that I wanted to make love to him.

Every single kiss and caress of that night will be forever burnt into my memory. I can’t even begin to explain it because there are no words in the English language that would describe the emotions that went into our love making that morning. The sheer passion of that morning still makes me weak when I look back on it.

It was so beautiful that we were unable to do anything but breathe for a good hour afterwards.

When he had enough energy to move, he only moved enough to brush my hair from his face. He didn’t care that I was starting to crush him as I lay on him barely conscious, he didn’t care that I was almost drooling on him either. And I didn’t care either.

It would be another twenty minutes before either one of us said anything. “Anna,” he croaked. I started to giggled and he laughed. “That was hot, wasn’t it?” he asked.

“Yes, it was,” I felt like I was wrapped up in a dream; a wonderfully fulfilling dream where nothing but happiness is all around you and you wake up feeling so refreshed.

He told me I was beautiful and that he never felt this way before. “I feel like I can fly,” he chuckled. “I feel…” when he trailed off; I managed to lift my head off his shoulder to gaze into his bright blue eyes.

“What do you feel Josh?”

He gazed at me for a moment, a huge smile upon his handsome face. “I feel like this is what I’ve been waiting my whole life for.” Wrapping his arms around me, hugging me tight, he continued on to say, “I feel like this is a new beginning and I’m really excited to explore what’s ahead with you.”

Lovin' In The Morning

I was alone when I woke up the next morning. At first I thought that Josh had gotten up and left for work without waking me but then I realized that it was Sunday morning and the only place he had to be that day was his parents’ house for the family BBQ. I was looking forward to this BBQ even though the thoughts of finally meeting his grandparents made me nervous. Josh kept telling me that his family loves me and his grandparents wouldn’t be any different but I still was a little nervous, it was a big deal for me to meet them since I wore the ring and cross that were symbols of their love all those years ago.

“It’s a lot to live up to,” I had told him when I tried to explain my nervousness to him when he mentioned the BBQ. “I don’t want them to think that I’m not worthy of them.”

Josh shook his head, “Honey you are worthy of them! You wouldn’t have them if I didn’t love you completely and know for sure that you are the one for me. Please stop worrying about it; my grandparents are excited to finally get a chance to meet you.”

Where is Josh? I wondered suddenly, it wasn’t like him to not be with me when I woke up.

Pushing back the blankets, I made my way out of his room and down the hall. About half way down the hall, I heard his voice, it was soft and low, he seemed to be trying to be quiet.

“Hey sure, I can do that for you,” I heard him say as I turned the corner. He was standing at his living room window, looking out into the morning. “No, no. I don’t mind at all, I think it would be better if you didn’t do it.” He paused to listen to what the person he was talking too was saying. “Well, I can’t today,” he started as he turned around. “Why don’t I…” he trailed off when he saw me standing there. I gave him a smile and he frowned, “Yeah I’m still here,” he said to the person on the phone. “Listen, I’ll have to call you back later.”

After a few ‘oks’ he said bye and hung up. “Good morning,” he said as he came over to me. “How are you feeling?” He brushed his lips against my cheek before taking me by the hand and leading me over to the couch where he sat down first and then pulled me down next to him.

“I feel great now,” I snuggled up against his side. “I missed you when I woke up just now.” He told me he was sorry but he didn’t say anything else about it, he started to talk about the BBQ later.

Ten minutes later, he told me that he was going to see if Jess was awake. “I’m starting to get a little hungry,” he said before disappearing around the corner.

I sat there on his couch staring at the spot where I last saw him, I was a little confused, when did he stop wanting to make the most out of the time Jess was sleeping? Why was he checking on Jess?

I started to wonder who he was talking too when I came out and why he didn’t say anything more about it, he would always tell me who he was talking too, even when it was none of my business.

Ok Anna don’t do this! I scolded myself. Don’t get there and look for things to be out of place, you know that you’ll ‘see’ something just because you think it’s there. Josh isn’t keeping anything from you and he’s not doing anything that would hurt you. So don’t even start being ‘that’ girl!

By the time Josh returned, I had talked myself back into the happy mood that I was in when I woke up in his bed. “Hey,” I smiled at him. “Jess was still sleeping?”

“Yes,” he laughed. “I don’t think he cares that I’m hungry!”

Laughing, I asked him if he wanted me to make him something to eat.

“No,” he told me as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me across his lap. “I think I’ll survive until Jess wakes up…if…” he was gazing down at me with a grin on his face.

“If what?” I asked cautiously.

“If,” he repeated before leaning down until his mouth was against my ear. “If I can do a little nibbling while I wait,” he nipped at my lobe. “What do you say?”

“I say ‘yes’!” I exclaimed as his lips touched my neck.

It started out so innocently, with just little nips but soon I was on my back on his couch and he was above me. “I love you,” he whispered in between heated kisses. “You make me so happy.”

Josh’s hand trailed down my side as I spoke. “You make me…” He had lifted my leg to his hip and pressed his body down against mine, “…oohhhhh!”

He chuckled softly while kissing a trail down my neck. “I really think we should move this into my room,” he murmured.

Once I told him I agreed, he didn’t waste any time making it happen; he was off the couch in a flash. I went to get up but he insisted that I let him carry me to his room, “I worked hard to get you floating,” he told me as he made his way down the hall with me in his arms. “I’m not about to let you come back down to earth just yet.”

I couldn’t help but giggle, it was corny but oh so sweet. “Sweet talker.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “And you love me for it.”

We reached his bed, I thought he was going to lay me down but he didn’t, he held me for a while longer, kissing me passionately before he lowered my body to his bed. “Hey,” I smiled up at him as he still stood by the bed. “Come here?” I held out my hand to him but he didn’t take it right away, instead he gripped the bottom of his shirt and ripped it off over his head.

“Mmmm!” I laid back, my eyes half closed and my fingers at my lips as I gazed at the handsome man standing before me. “What about the pants?” I inquired in the sexiest voice I could muster.

Josh raised a brow in my direction but the naughty grin that played on his lips told me that he was getting to them. I watched as his fingers curled around the material of his pj pants and a soft groan escaped my throat when he pulled them down around his legs and stepped out of them. “What pants?” He asked with a laugh.

Posting Change

Hey Everyone!

So I've been thinking about it for a while and I've decided that I will not be posting on the weekends anymore. I know that those who read during the weekends will be disappointed but I find that the weekends are the times where I seem to have the hardest times focusing on writing.

I hope you all understand.

See you all on Monday!

Angela

Making Out Is Better Than Falling Asleep

“We watch Cars Linny!” Jesse exclaimed the second Lindsay finished her fries. “Daddy can you play Cars?” He asked as he slipped from his chair onto the floor. “Come Linny!”

The moment Jesse mentioned Cars, Lindsay turned to stare at me. I knew by the look on her face she was thinking about all those months ago when I hit rock bottom and lost it on Natalie when she was watching ‘Cars’. “It’s ok,” I told her softly.

I sat all alone at the table while Josh went to put in the movie for Jesse. I started to think back over everything that had happened between Josh and me since we first saw each other again in December. “I can’t believe it’s been six months,” I thought out loud. With a smile on my face, I stood up and started to collect the dirty dishes.

I was filling the sink with hot, soapy water when Josh came back out to join me. “So Cars will keep the two of them busy for at least an hour and a half,” he told me. “What are we going to do in that time? Hmmm?” Josh wrapped his arms around my waist as he pulled me back against him.

“I’ve been waiting to do this all evening,” his lips were soft as he kissed a trail up my neck to my ear. “When you first got here,” his tongue traced along my earlobe. “In the car on the way to the park,” his teeth gently nipped at my lobe. “And certainly when you landed on me by the slides,” his lips closed around my lobe and I let loose the groan I was holding in.

“I love you,” he whispered hotly against my ear.

Slowly, I turned to face him. “I love you too.”

That night was probably the first time in my whole life that it took me almost an hour and a half to do four plates, glasses and forks. I guess you can say Josh had so many other things on his mind than the cleanliness of his kitchen; we made out like we were horny teenagers again.

I was sitting on his counter with my legs and arms wrapped around his body when Jesse came running out to tell Josh that ‘Cars’ was over. “Daddy what doing Ama?”

“Umm…well Jesse, it’s like this –” I gave Josh a kiss as he stumbled over his words, sometimes he was so cute when he turned all red. “Like I was saying,” Josh licked his lips and went to finish what he was going to say when Jesse’s eyes went wide and he gasped. “What’s wrong Jesse?”

Jess shook his head, “No wrong daddy.” He frowned and then asked his dad, “Daddy and Ama have baby?”

“What?” Josh seemed surprised that Jesse would pull that out of the air. “Why do you say that?”

“Ama love daddy. Daddy love Ama. Mommy say baby need love to grow!”

Josh turned to look at me and I grinned, “I mean it’s an obvious conclusion Josh.” And then to bug him a little, I asked him if kissing was all it took, “I was sure there was a little more to it.”

But Josh wasn’t about to be out done. Leaning in close to me, he told me if I wanted he would give me a step by step lesson later on the ins and outs of baby making. “I may not be an expert,” he added. “But I did get it right, once!”

With that he moved to scoop Jesse up in his arms, “I think it’s time for you to go to sleep mister!” Holding Jess in his right arm, Josh turned back on to the counter and stood at my right, slipping his arm around my waist once again. Only this time, he held me tight. “Down you go,” he said as he helped me off the counter.

While Josh made his way to the bathroom to give Jess a bath, I headed to the living room to see what Lindsay was up too.

“Did you have fun today?” I crushed onto the couch next to her.

She nodded, gave a little yawn and laughed. “I had so much fun Aunt Anna! Jess is so full of energy; I don’t know how you managed to keep up with him all evening! I wanted to lie down half way through!”

“I had years of practice,” I told her. “You and your sisters kept me on my toes whenever we went to the park.”

Lindsay and I sat there just smiling, not saying anything for a while. I started to poke her in the side and soon she was poking me back.

Then suddenly she turned and gave me a hug. “Thank you so much for being the coolest aunt!”

I was sort of sad when Zack came by to pick Lindsay up, I wanted to tell him that he couldn’t have her but Lindsay was so sleepy, Zack had asked her if she wanted him to carry her down the steps.

“OH!” She clapped her hands excitedly. “Would you dad?”

Zack screwed up his face. “No! I’m not your personal chauffeur! Now get going before your mom wonders where we are.”

As Zack and Lindsay made their way to the stairs, Zack linked Lindsay’s arm in his. “Did you have fun sweetie? Was Aunt Anna mean to you at all? I can taser her you know, if she was mean!”

“Daddy!” Lindsay’s laughter echoed through the stairwell as they disappeared out of sight. “Aunt Anna was great! Even Co-,” she paused. “I mean, Josh was cool! And Jesse is so cute! He loves Aunt Anna, did you know that daddy?”

I felt Josh move up behind me as Zack asked, “Who? Josh or Jesse?”, as the front door closed.

There wasn’t a need for words as Josh led me back into his apartment, down the hall and into his room.

We didn’t make love that night, we were seriously too beat to do more than make out. I wasn’t disappointed, even though I really wanted to be with him again. I knew that when the moment came for us, I wanted it to be as close to perfect as it could be. I didn’t want either one of us to be half falling asleep.

Playing Around Can Knock You Down!

There are times in a woman’s life, especially when she is in a relationship with a man who has been seriously linked to another woman, a link that resulted in a child, when she starts to wonder if all the old feelings for that ex are dead and gone. That’s what my first thought was when I heard Jesse say that Niles couldn’t have his daddy.

I knew it was crazy; Jesse is only a kid so he doesn’t know who his words could translate in ‘normal’ conversation. I mean, I know he meant that Niles’ dad was in a criminal so he was technically without a father figure right now. I know that Jesse doesn’t quite understand that Josh wouldn’t be a father to Niles just because of this fact. But still, that insecure little voice inside my head started with the ‘what ifs’.

I hated feeling insecure, I really did. It didn’t make any sense because I knew how Josh felt about me and how he felt about Carol; how many times does the man need to tell me that he made a mistake when he married her? Yes, he’s happy that he has Jesse, he wouldn’t change that part but he’s admitted that he never really loved her.

When I looked at Josh and he turned to smile at me, I must have shown some sign on my face of the thoughts I was having because his smile seemed to falter a little. Without saying a word, he reached over, picked my hand off my lap. When I raised a brow in his direction, he smiled fully once again as he brought my hand over to rest it on his lap. Not once during the rest of the drive to the playground did he remove his hand, or wipe that smile off his face. It was just what I needed to stop myself from going over to the ‘crazy girlfriend’ dark side.

There are three playgrounds in my town – two are kinds of small and they don’t have too much stuff and then there’s the one that we went too, Lyon’s Park. Lyon’s Park has been the playground of choice for years, I remember spending many afternoon’s there with my mom when I was a little kid and then with Mary and the girls when I lived with them; it was always a happy place for me. I guess you could say, and sound very lame in doing so, that being at that park make me feel like a kid again.

Josh pulled into the parking area of the park and that’s when Jesse really started to bounce around; it was almost as if he suddenly was injected with pure sugar, he was ready to be unleashed unto the playground equipment. “Jesse go play now!” He called out to his dad the second Josh stopped the car. “Ama we go play now!”

“Just hold on a second,” Josh told him as he shut off the car before getting out to open the back door to help him out of his seat.

But Jesse was ten steps in front of Josh; he managed to get himself free from his seat without help. “We go play now daddy!” He got on his hands and knees onto the floor of the car and started to back out the door.

“Will you wait a second?” Josh laughed as he grabbed Jesse around the waist and picked him up. Josh held Jess back against his chest and asked him what daddy’s playground rules were.

“Stay with daddy all times,” Jess stated and then added, “And Ama!”

“That’s right,” Josh chuckled. “Stay with daddy and Anna at all times, no running off by yourself.” Jesse wiggled to get down but Josh held him tight. “What other rules are there?”

“Jesse no talk to stranges!”

“Right, and?”

“And?” Jess’ little brow crinkled as he thought. Finally he held his hands up at shoulder height and told Josh he didn’t know.

“Have fun!” Josh exclaimed as he buried his face against Jess’ neck and blew, making a ‘farting’ sound which totally cracked Jesse up.

Once Josh put Jesse down, Jesse took off up the hill that led to the entrance of the park. “Jesse!” Josh called out but I was already running after him.

“Hey you!” I caught up to him in no time, he was just a kid after all and I was a really out of shape adult, and we were going up hill. “What do you want to do first?”

“We go on teetot Ama! And slide and swing. Daddy say that he push up Ama! We can go real high!” Just watching Jesse as he spoke and ran was so cute; his little arms were flying through the air from his excitement.

We got to the top of the hill and stopped for a moment to gaze around the park. It was a pretty nice day out, I thought there would be loads of people in the park but it was really deserted. Shocked but totally happy about it, I glanced down at Jess. “Ok sweetie, let’s go play!”

Once again we took off, I started to the ‘teetot’ because that’s were he said he wanted to start. “Over here Ama!” He had stopped to call out to me. I stopped, asked him what he was doing and you know what he did? He giggled and took off towards the slides!

“Oh you better run!” I jokingly called out as I headed in his direction.

We had climbed up the steps and were ‘debating’ which slide to take when Josh and Lindsay finally caught up to us. “What happened to you two?” Jess and I peeked out over the side of the slide platform.

“We were getting some stuff from my car,” Josh showed me a small cooler; I asked him what he had in there. “Just some water and juice,” he told me. “It should be enough till we head out.”

“Ama?” Jesse was tugging on my shorts. When I asked him what, he told me that he wanted to go down the ‘daddy’ slide. The slide set that Lyon’s Park has isn’t one of those new plastic ones. It’s older than me, I swear and it’s metal. There were three slides, ‘baby’, ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ – the ‘baby’ one was two feet shorter height wise than the other two and about two feet shorter at the bottom than the ‘daddy’ one, the ‘mommy’ one was about a foot shorter at the bottom than the ‘daddy’ one. “Daddy wait at bottom, otay?”

I helped Jesse step up to the platform for the bigger slides and hand in hand, we made our way pass ‘mommy’ to ‘daddy’. “Ama sit down and Jess sit down too!” I sat down on the platform and held out my hands to Jesse. Once he was securely seated on my lap, I moved onto the slide and then, after making sure I was really holding on to him, I pushed off and away we went; speeding towards Josh.

“WEEEEEEEE!” Jesse squealed all the way down.

I’ve never slid with someone in my lap before and it wasn’t until I was almost at the bottom that I realized this. Normally when I slid by myself, I would fall onto the ground or hop off and do a half mile run across the park until my body realized it was time to stop moving. I had no freaking idea how I was supposed to stop with Jess in my arms.

In my most graceful move ever, when I reached the bottom, I managed to propel myself forward. We smacked into Josh and landed in a heap in the sand at the bottom. The only sound was the hysterical laughter coming from Lindsay as she sat on a blanket near by with a camera documenting every second of that wondrous trip of mine.

“Owie!” Jesse cried out from between our bodies.

I never jumped so quickly in all my life. “Oh my God!” My hands were on Jess’ arms and legs, checking him for broken bones, cuts, bruises or anything that shouldn’t be there. “I didn’t mean to hurt you Jesse.”

Jesse didn’t care for what I was saying; he jumped up and started running for the slides again. “Come Ama!”

“I’m coming Jesse,” I started to get up but Josh grabbed hold of my arm, tugging me down next to him.

“If you wanted me on my back Anna, there are easier ways to do it,” if it wasn’t for the laughter in his eyes, I would’ve thought I hurt him.

We spent about two hours at the park that night and boy was I tired when we all got into Josh’s car to leave. I was sitting back with my eyes closed when Josh leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He told me that they had fun, “but now we are hungry. Where did you want to go?”

It was late, I wasn’t really in the mood for anything big and since it was getting close to Jesse’s bedtime, we decided to head down to Sawyer’s Takeout for some greasy but oh so yummy food - homemade fries, dressing and gravy! – to take back to Josh’s.

Lindsay and Jess were at the table waiting for Josh and I, we were in the kitchen dishing out the food. “Good thing we spent lots of time at the park,” I told Josh. “This is going to go directly to my bum!”

Josh made a show of checking out my bum and then he smiled at me. “I can think of other ways to work off the food later, if you like.”

“Maybe,” was all I said to him as I turned to the kids at the table, “supper is served!”

'Teetot' Here We Come!

A few minutes had passed; Lindsay was by the front door, shoving a pair of jeans and her wallet into my overnight bag when Cassie came downstairs with her friends. “Where do you think you are going?”

“I’m going into town,” Lindsay told her but didn’t tell her that she was hanging out with me.

“No you aren’t!” Cassie snapped. “I told you that you couldn’t come with me! I don’t want my baby sister hanging off me! Mom!” Cassie ran into the living room where Mary was back into her pictures. “Lindsay thinks she’s going with me, I told her she wasn’t!”

“Cassie calm down, your sister doesn’t think she’s going with you –”

“No?” Cassie planted one hand on her hip and pointed towards Lindsay. “Then why is she getting ready to leave?”

“Oh good lord!” I rolled my eyes. “Cassie there are more places in town than where you are going! Now everyone out into my car in the next 60 seconds or I’ll leave you all here!” I picked up my bag and opened the door. “Josh has been waiting patiently for me but if I don’t leave now, he’s going to think I’m standing him up!”

Cassie and Lindsay pretty much fought the whole drive into town; Cassie wanted to know where Lindsay thought she was going, “You aren’t coming with me.”

“I don’t want to go with you,” Lindsay stuck out her tongue at Cass. “I have better things to do than listen you three go on about boys!”

I was very grateful when I pulled up along the curb outside Gwen’s house. “Your dad will pick you up after he gets off work,” I reminded Cassie. “Have a good time and stay out of trouble!”

“You too!” Cassie gave me a ‘Zack’ look. “Just remember that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want too.”

Rolling my eyes, I laughed and told her to get out of my car.

I glanced at Lindsay and she smiled at me, I was happy that she actually wanted to hang out with Josh, Jess and me. “We are going to have so much fun!” I squealed as I slipped the car in drive.

Lindsay didn’t really say much as I drove to Josh’s but she was smiling. It wasn’t until we were climbing the twenty million stairs to his apartment that she finally said something to me. “You really like Coach Baker don’t you Aunt Anna?”

Pausing in mid step, I turned to give her a puzzled look. “Why would you ask that all of a sudden?” I asked her.

“I don’t know,” she walked up a couple steps from me before turning around. “Maybe because you are actually bouncing up the stairs?”

“It’s that obvious, is it?” I’m very certain that I had a dreamy smile on my face as I stared at her.

“Yes,” she laughed. “It’s nice to see Aunt Anna, really nice.” I went to say something to her but she stopped me. “Isn’t there a guy somewhere waiting for you?”

My eyes went wide, “YES!” I exclaimed. We both took off up the stairs, still running when we came to a stop outside Josh’s door. “This is it!” I told her excitedly. “He lives here!” I totally gave a girly squeal.

“Are you going to knock?” She motioned towards the door while shaking her head at me.

“I will,” I told her and then asked her how I looked.

Lindsay told me I looked great at the same moment the door swung open. “I personally think she looks beautiful,” Josh stated before he leaned down to kiss me. “It’s about time you got here!”

“I know!” I told him that I told the girls he would think I was standing him up; he told me that he was starting to think that. “But we are here now,” I looked pass him into his apartment. “Where is Jesse?”

Josh glanced behind him and frowned, “Jesse?” He called out to him. “He was washing his hands,” Josh told me.

“Jesse?” I called out to him.

While I did that, Josh turned to Lindsay. “It’s good to see you,” he told her with a smile. “I know Anna really wanted you to join us and Jess is excited.”

“Thank you for inviting me Coach,” Lindsay seemed a little shy when she spoke to Josh.

“Jesse?” I called again as I heard Josh tell Lindsay that he would like it if she called him ‘Josh’ not “Coach’ today. “Only if you are comfortable doing so,” he added quickly.

Lindsay told him she would try and Jesse finally poked his head around the corner. “I wash my hands Ama! See?” He came running at me with his hand held out in front of him. While I looked at his clean hands he stared up at Lindsay. “My name is Jesse!” We all laughed when he threw his hands in the air when he said ‘Jessie’.

I introduced Lindsay to him. “Are you ready to go to the playground?”

“Yes Ama!” He said excitedly. “We go on teetot! And down slide! And daddy says we can swing and play in the sand!”

We took Josh’s car to the playground. Lindsay was in the back with Jesse, who didn’t stop talking the entire drive to the playground. “Jesse a big brother like daddy,” he told Lindsay. “Mommy had a baby! He’s this big!” He spread his arms wide and went on to tell her that he gets to hold the baby. “Only when I sit! Baby name is Niles. Baby daddy is bad,” Jesse tried to turn in his car seat to face Lindsay. “Mommy says my daddy is good!” He paused and then told Lindsay. “I love my daddy, baby no have my daddy!”

I was turned in my seat watching Jesse as he spoke to Lindsay, when he told her that Carol said Josh was good, I glanced up at Josh and wondered what he thought about that. He must have sensed me looking at him because he turned to me and smiled.

Surprise invitation

Mary seemed at a lost for what to do. I know she wanted to called Zack and tell him to make sure he did his patrol down by the river that day; she has known Michelle and Tara since they were all in elementary school together.

“Lindsay, I can’t not tell your father; what if something happens to your friends?”

“They won’t see it that way mom! All they’ll see is that I told on them, they won’t be my friends anymore.”

“But Zack always patrols down by the river,” I told Lindsay. “Even if you didn’t tell your mom, your friends could still be caught by your dad.”

Lindsay sighed, “I know that Aunt Anna and I told Michelle about it but she didn’t seem to care, she still said that if dad showed up there, it’s because I told him to go.”

My cell phone started to ring, without even looking at the caller ID, I knew it was Josh. “Hey handsome,” I turned away from Mary and Lindsay, trying not to listen as Mary attempted to convince Lindsay that her friends wouldn’t hate her for this.

Josh said hello and then asked me to tell him I was on my way in. “Jess is really excited about spending the rest of the day with us at the park, he’s been talking non stop about the ‘teetot’.”

“I wish I could tell you I was on my way,” I told him.

“What’s wrong?” He asked immediately.

“I’m still coming it’s just that…” I glanced over my shoulder at Lindsay and Mary, sighed and then told him what was going on. “I just wish I could do something,” I told him. “But there’s nothing I can do.”

“I don’t want you to call dad!” Lindsay cried as she ran pass me. “You don’t understand mom! They are the only friends I have!”

“Sounds like things aren’t going that well over there,” Josh observed. “Maybe, if you want too, we could postpone –“

“No Josh! We promised Jess and I really don’t want to be the one to go back on that promise. There is nothing I can do, Lindsay doesn’t want Mary to call Zack and Mary wants to call Zack. I can’t do anything about it.”

“How about you call Zack?” He asked.

I told him how Lindsay’s friends would blame her if Zack showed up there. “They are being unreasonable!”

“Do you want me to go down there?” He asked seriously. “I could be out doing a million different things down by the river, so it’s not like they would suspect anything.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Oh Josh, thanks for offering honey but I don’t know if that would work.”

“Sure it would,” he told me. “And it would shock the hell out of the kids and maybe they would smarten up! Meeting 18 year old boys when they are 14? Are they crazy?”

Josh and I talked for a couple more minutes before he told me to please hurry.

When I hung up, I locked myself into my bedroom to get ready to hang out with my guys. It didn’t take long to slip into a comfy pair of shorts and a t-shirt and it only took about five minutes to throw together my overnight bag because I had already picked everything out the night before.

Once I was packed, I headed upstairs to see how things were going. “Mom called dad!” Lindsay informed me the second she saw me. “I told her not too but she did!”

“And I told you I had to call him!” Mary looked ready to snap. “Your father promised that he wouldn’t go himself, and he wouldn’t send a uniformed cop down there either. The person that ‘interrupts’ your friends won’t seem out of the ordinary.”

I smiled when I hear that. “That’s what Josh was saying just a few minutes ago,” I told them how he offered to go down there. “I’m glad that someone will be checking up on them, I would hate to have anything bad to happen to them.”

Lindsay glanced back and forth between her mom and me. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to them either,” she said quietly. “I just…” she sighed. “Thanks for calling dad,” she went to her mom and gave her a hug.

I was on my way towards the door when Cassie came running down the stairs with her friends in tow. “Oh Aunt Anna, you’re still here!”

“I’m just on my way out,” I told her.

“Good,” she smiled at me. “Do you think you could give us a ride into town? Gwen’s house is on the way.”

One look to Mary told me that she didn’t have a problem with it, so I told them I would drop them off.

“Can I go with you?” Lindsay asked her sister and her friends.

“Umm, no!” Cassie laughed and took off upstairs with her friends. “We just have to grab something Aunt Anna! We won’t be long.”

While they went upstairs, I pulled out my cell and gave Josh a called. “I’m leaving right away,” I told him when he answered the phone. “I just have to…” I trailed off when I spotted Lindsay slumped on the couch, she looked so lonely and bored.

“What’s going on Anna? What do you have to do?” Josh’s concerned voice pulled me out of the trace like state I was in.

“I have to drop Cassie and her friends off at Gwen’s first,” I paused and then I told him about Lindsay again.

“You are worried about her, aren’t you?”

“I’m that easy to read?” I asked him.

He chuckled, “When it comes to your family, yes you are honey.” He hesitated for a second and then made a suggestion that surprised me. “If Lindsay doesn’t think it’s too lame, why don’t you invite her to come with us today? I know one little boy who would love to have another person to entertain for a while.”

“Are you sure Josh?” I was a little skeptical. “You don’t have to invite her along just because I’m worried about her.”

“Anna come on, you know I would do anything for you. Hanging out with your niece when she’s sad and lonely is something I know you want to do and since you already have plans to go to the park with Jess and me, I don’t see why Lindsay couldn’t come along, unless…”

“Unless what?”

“Unless she thinks hanging out with her aunt’s boyfriend and little boy is uncool.”

“I don’t think she’d think that,” I told him with a laugh. “If you are sure, I’ll ask her and you’ll see if she thinks you are cool or not, when I get there.”

“Sounds great,” he told me. “I’ll see you soon.”

I hung up with Josh and went over to Lindsay. I told her and Mary that Josh was wondering if she would like to join us and I swear Lindsay actually jumped up and screamed, ‘yes!’

A Niece's Problem

It was the first weekend in June, I had managed to get a morning shift on the Saturday and get the Sunday off. Josh was happy to hear that I was off on the Sunday because that was the day his family was having the first official ‘family’ BBQ of the summer; everyone was going to be there all Josh’s brothers and sisters, their kids and some of Josh’s other relatives, like his cousin Mark.

Saturday after work, I went home to shower and get ready to spend the night at Josh’s apartment. I was looking forward to spending the rest of the day with him and Jess; we promised Jess we would take him to the playground close to Josh’s place. Jesse wanted to go on the ‘teetot’ as he loves to call the teeter totter (seesaw) and he wanted me to take him down the slide, he said he was not big enough to go by himself.

I walked into my room and was in the process of closing my door when I heard, “Hello Aunt Anna.”

“Holy crap!” I jumped, spinning around to stare at Lindsay who was sitting cross legged on my bed, looking a little sad. “You scared me!” I told her as I held my hand over my chest. She told me she was sorry. “What are you doing in here?”

She shrugged, “I just wanted to get away from everyone, I didn’t know you were coming home today, I thought you were hanging out with Josh and Jesse all day?”

“I just came home to shower and grab some clothes,” I tilted my head as I watched her, I wasn’t used to Lindsay being to quiet. “Lins is something wrong? Where are your sisters?”

“Cassie is in her room with Brenda and Gwen and Nat is upstairs in the living room helping mom with some thing.”

I noticed that she simply avoid my other question. “Why are you hiding down here then?”

“Cassie told me to get lost and there wasn’t anything for me to do with mom and Nat. I thought I would come down here and read,” she pulled one of my romance novels that she was hiding behind her back and showed it to me. “I didn’t think that you would mind Aunt Anna, you told me I could read them in here.”

“I don’t mind Lins but I was wondering why you are down here instead of upstairs with your friends? Where are Michelle and Tara? I thought they were coming over for the night? Or was it next weekend?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lindsay snapped as she turned on my bed and flopped down on her stomach to read again.

“Oh ok,” I said slowly. “I’m going to go get in the shower,” I told her. “If you change your mind, we can talk when I get out.” I waited a couple minutes but she didn’t say anything other than, ‘yeah sure’.

It bugged me the entire time that I was in the shower, Lindsay wasn’t herself and it was unusual that she wouldn’t want to talk about it or that her friends weren't with her, those girls were normally attached at the hip.

When I got out of the shower, instead of going back into my room, I headed upstairs in my robe pretending that I needed something to drink but I was really going to ask Mary if she knew what was going on.

Mary was in the living room with Nat like Lindsay had said, they were going through a couple envelopes of pictures that Mary had recently developed; Mary was a stickler for organizing her photos into albums right away, “I’ll always know where they are this way,” she would tell Zack whenever he would tell her that she didn’t have to do it. “And besides, this way I can write down what was going on and who everyone is, I’ll never forget!” Zack would tell her she was crazy as he walked away shaking his head.

I asked Mary if she had a minute and we headed off into the kitchen.

“Do you have any idea what’s wrong with Lindsay?” I asked her once she was seated at the table with me. “She’s downstairs in my room reading a romance novel. She seems kind of sad and not like herself. I asked her why and she said she wanted to get away from everyone. I asked her where her friends were because I was certain that they were supposed to be here today and she snapped at me, told me that she didn’t want to talk about it. Is there something wrong?”

Mary seemed surprised by what I was saying, “I don’t know Anna, I thought she was upstairs with Cassie and the girls.” She paused, looking a little ashamed, “I forgot that her friends were supposed to be here today! Oh my God! I’m a bad mother! How could I forget that? I should go and see if she wanted to get them, I think I was supposed to pick them up.”

Mary went to get up but I stopped her. “I think there’s something going on,” I told her. “If you were supposed to pick up her friends, she wouldn’t have let you forget. Do you think they had a fight? Could that be why she seems so sad and lonely?”

“I don’t know,” Mary said once again. “But I think I should find out.” I stood up with Mary and we both walked out of the kitchen together. “Nat I have to go with Anna for a minute, please wait for me before you do anything.”

“Ok mommy,” Nat called happily from the living room, she had the pictures spread out in front of her and she was looking them over, putting them into piles.

Mary and I made our way downstairs to my room. When Mary said Lindsay’s name she jumped up. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong mom, Aunt Anna said I could read in here.”

“I know honey,” Mary went over and joined Lindsay on my bed. “I was just speaking to Anna and she seems to think that there’s something wrong.” Mary brushed back the hair on Lindsay’s forehead while she spoke. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

I watched them together and it reminded me of all the times, through out the years that Mary sat on my bed, asking me the same thing. I remembered all the anger and tears that Mary helped me through; she was a wonderful woman and I had always hoped that one day I would be like her. Maybe one day I will be.

I listened to Lindsay as she reluctantly told her mom that her friends were had at her. “We had a fight,” she said. “Michelle likes Randy Peters and I think he’s a jerk, I told her that and she told me I was just jealous because he liked her and not me.” Lindsay rolled her eyes as she shook her head. “I don’t care that he likes her mom! I don’t like Randy, he’s mean. He makes fun of people all the time and he is rude to the teachers!”

“But Michelle thinks he’s cute and she wanted to meet with him down by the river today instead of coming here. And she told Tara she would see if his friend, Kale, could go too; Tara likes Kale.”

“So your friends wanted to hang out with boys instead of you?”

“Yes,” Lindsay sighed. “They wanted me to ask if I could go to Michelle’s instead so we could sneak out of her house to meet them but I told them I couldn’t.” Mary asked her why she couldn’t ask, Lindsay’s eyes went wide. “Mom! Dad patrols the area by the river! He would see me and that would be the end of it!”

Mary started to chuckle, “Honey if we knew you were going to be there, it would be ok.”

“No,” Lindsay shook her head. “Dad would make sure to drive by just to embarrass me! And…”

“And what?”

“Well…see…the thing is…Randy and Kale are older than us mom.”

“How much older?” Mary’s smile disappeared.

“18,” Lindsay said softly.

“18?” Mary wasn’t so soft about it. “Your 14 year old friends are sneaking out to meet 18 year olds down by the river?? What the hell are they thinking?” Mary jumped up, “I have to call your father, make sure that he swings by there today.”

“No!” Lindsay jumped off the bed. “Mom! No! If you do that, they’ll know that I told and they won’t talk to me again! Mom please don’t call dad!”

Hard Knock Life

Josh started in on me the second I hung up the phone, he wanted to know who I called and why I asked them about him. “Why did you tell them that your plans for the weekend were cancelled? Did you have something else you wanted to do?”

I didn’t respond to him until I had placed the phone back on its base and was comfortably seated next to him on his bed. “I called Zack,” I told him calmly despite the fact that I was a little annoyed that he thought I wanted to do something else besides spend the weekend doing whatever it was he had planned for us. “He is on his way over here right now.”

Josh thought about that for a moment before asking, “Why is he coming over here? What’s going on Anna?”

“I want to tell you Josh, I really do but I don’t even know myself what is going on.”

“That doesn’t make sense Anna,” Josh rubbed his hand over his face, he was looking a little tired. “What does this have to do with Carol not taking Jess for the weekend?” His head snapped up, “Is Zack coming over here as your brother or as a cop?”

I told him that I wanted to tell him what I knew but Zack was already mad at me for knowing the very little that I did know. “Please just wait for Zack to get here? He’ll tell you as much as he can.”

Josh reluctantly agreed to wit for Zack to arrive but the whole time we were waiting he was on edge, I knew that he was worried about Jess and I knew that it was my fault that he was. When will I ever learn? I asked myself for probably the millionth time since I called Zack without thinking. I could only hope that Zack reassured Josh enough so that he didn’t go running over to Carol’s, kick Phil’s ass before removing Jesse from their home.

It took Zack a little longer than ten minutes to finally get to Josh’s front door; in fact I think it was more like twenty, or maybe it just felt that way because Josh was unusually quiet.

I was so thankful when Zack arrived, I damn near ran to the door to let him in; Josh followed at a slower pace but still pretty quick, he arrived at the door moments after I did.

Zack had been working when I called him so I wasn’t surprised to see him in full uniform but still it’s very impressive to see him dressed like that. “Hey Zack,” I tried to sound light and cheery but he didn’t look too happy.

“I don’t have that much time,” he told us as he made his way into the living room where he pulled the air chair closer to the couch before he sat down in it. “Well, come on,” he motioned to the couch and without a word Josh and I made our way over and sat down.

“Ok,” Zack rubbed his forehead with his hand before he sighed. “So here’s the deal,” he looked at Josh. “We’ve been investigating Phil since he moved into the area on some of his shady business dealings, I can’t get into what they are but with the mountains of evidence that we’ve collected from surveillance, eye witness accounts and some other stuff that I can’t talk about, along with the cooperation of Carol, we are positive that we can move in this weekend when he’s least expecting it and finally put him away.”

“You knew about this?” Josh looked shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He turned back to Zack. “What kind of business dealing? Is Jesse is danger? How could you let –“

“Josh!” Zack held up his hand, stopping Josh in mid sentence. “This is the exact reason that I didn’t want you to know anything about this investigation! We needed things to go on like normal! We needed you to go on like nothing was happening! It’s bad enough Carol almost freaked out and ran a couple times!”

“I don’t care about her!” Josh snapped, “What about my son? He’s been freaking out for months because he didn’t want to go back there! You told me that there wasn’t anything going on! That he wasn’t in danger!”

“He wasn’t,” Zack remained calm as Josh freaked out. “Jess was perfectly safe; Phil had no intentions then or now to do anything to hurt him. Jess was freaking out because he was sensing Carol’s anxiety and it was only making things worst for her! That’s why I told her to talk to her lawyer about giving you Jess every weekend! I thought that it would relive some of Carol’s stress and it would help you out too!”

Josh paled a little. “You were the reason Carol gave me more time with him? You told her too?”

“Yes,” Zack nodded. “I was watching out for Jesse, I wasn’t about to let anything happen to him. I had everything under control – I still have everything under control!”

“Where does Anna come in to all this?” Josh turned to me. “How long have you known they were investigating Phil? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Anna found out by accident,” Zack answered before I could. “She was in the wrong place at the wrong time; she witnessed Phil entering a hotel with one of our plants. The second she saw this, she came to me and told me. I told her that under no circumstances was she to ever say anything to you! I told her I would arrest her for interfering in an ongoing investigation if she even tried!”

With that Zack stood up, reached for his handcuffs. “Come on sis, let’s go.”

“What?” I gasped as I saw the light reflect off the cold steel. “NO!” I jumped up.

And so did Josh. Standing in front of me, he held his arms out at his sides. “Don’t you come any closer,” he growled at Zack. “I will not let you arrest her!”

Zack showed no emotion at all as he reached for his radio and requested that his partner join him. “If you stand in the way Josh, I’ll arrest you too.”

“Then go ahead,” Josh told him. “I’m not moving. You aren’t taking her anywhere. This is stupid, she’s your sister! She didn’t do anything wrong!”

There was a huge racket outside the door as Zack’s partner Rick ran up the steps and now stood just outside the door, hollering that he was the police and for us to open the door or he would bust it down. “There’s no need for that!” Zack hollered back as he made his way over to the door.

Josh turned to me, “Honey there is no way I’m letting him take you anywhere, you didn’t do anything wrong. There’s no way he could even be allowed to arrest you.”

Zack and Rick came into the living room, I heard Zack tell Rick to cuff me and he would take Josh. “Rough him up if you have too,” Rick told Zack. “He looks like he’s going to be trouble.”

“Zack stop this!” Josh spun around to face both of them, once again blocking me from them. “You can’t be serious! You know you can’t hold her, let alone arrest her for this!”

“Josh just get out of the way,” Zack started towards us. “I don’t want to have to take you downtown with us; it won’t look good for you when you go before a judge in Jesse’s custody case if you have a prior on your record.”

“I’m not moving,” Josh told him through clenched teeth. “You are her brother! You are supposed to protect her, not arrest her!”

“Don’t tell me what I’m supposed to do!” Zack finally snapped at Josh. “I told her to leave it alone! I told her I would have to do this if she said anything to you! You are just damn lucky that it’s me not another cop doing this! Do you think they would care if she was my sister or not?”

“Come on Anna,” Rick held out his cuffs in one hand as he reached for me. “Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be.”

“Josh,” I touched his arm and he turned towards me. “I should go.” I started towards Rick but Josh grabbed my hand.

“No Anna you don’t have too, I told you I’ll…”

I turned away from him; I didn’t want to cry in front of him, I didn’t want him to see how scared I really was. “It’ll be ok,” I whispered. I made my way over to Rick and with my head lowered; I turned back on to him and put my hands behind my back.

I waited and waited to feel the metal close around my wrist but it never did. I heard snickers and then full blown laughs instead. My head snapped up and I stared at Zack who was damn near pissing himself as he tried not to fall over laughing. “What’s so funny?” I demanded as the tears streamed down my face.

Neither one of them could talk; they were too busy gasping for breath from laughing so hard. “What’s so funny?” I cried out again as Josh came over to me, pulling me into his arms. “What’s so funny?” I stared up at him but he was just as clueless as I was.

When Zack finally calmed down enough, he told me I was funny. “You should’ve seen the look on your face Anna! It was priceless! Like I would actually waste department time arresting you for this! Come on Rick; let’s go home thanks for giving me a hand with this even though we are officially off duty.”

“You mean…?” My mouth couldn’t say the words I wanted too.

“I told you to stay out of it Anna but you never listen, maybe next time you’ll think before you act.”

Josh who was very stiff through the laughter came to life at the admission that this little ruse was a ‘lesson’ for me. “You son of a bitch!” He took a step towards Zack but I was holding on tight to him so he didn’t get too far. “Get the hell out of my apartment!”

Zack tried to get us to see it for the ‘joke’ he meant it to be but I was too shocked to even speak and Josh was literally shaking from anger. “GET OUT!”

Without another word, Zack and Rick left Josh’s apartment that night and Josh promised me that no matter what, he’ll always be there to protect me. “Even if it’s from your brother!”

I had already learnt that being mad at family was something I didn’t want and I told Josh that. Before the month was over, Zack and Josh were on really good speaking terms again and Zack promised to never pull another ‘joke’ like that on me again. “I’m finding they aren’t worth it anymore Anna, they never seem to go the way I hoped they would. I’m so sorry I scared you that night.”

That weekend went as planned for Zack and his team, they managed to arrest Phil and collect more evidence in connection with his money laundering, drugs and prostitution dealings. It seems that Carol really picked a winner when she decided to cheat on Josh. And karma paid her back in kind.

Josh and I took a rain check for that weekend. He promised me that he will make it up to the second he got out of school for the summer.

He just wasn’t sure what he was going to do with Jesse since he was going to be with him all summer.

When I told him that it didn’t really matter, he told me that as much as he loves Jesse, he has to make the time to have some quality time with me too. “I love you Anna and I plan on being with you for the rest of my life; it’s important that I not only tell you this but show you it too. We will get away for the weekend, I promise you that.”

Is there any wonder why I love this guy?

Again I Screw Up - Will I Ever Learn?

Everything was going great in my life once again. I was spending equal amounts of time with my family/friends as I was with Josh. There were no major upsets or disappointments on either front for a while, a nice long while actually.

The rest of March ended with Josh and I taking it slow; we were actually going out either alone or with a group of our friends just as much as we stayed in for a romantic night. We had made a ‘deal’ of sorts, both of us talked it through and decided that this time around we would get to know each other better before becoming sexually involved. At first I was a little upset by this but when I got there and really thought about it, I think that was one of the main reasons I felt like we were spiraling out of control in our relationship; I wasn’t comfortable with how quickly I dropped my guard and let him in my bed.

March faded into April and with it came Easter. Josh had made plans while we were apart to visit his grandparents over the Easter break, he had asked me if I could go along with him but that Easter was the first time in a long time that I had both my brothers home. I wanted to tell him I would go with him but at the same time I wanted to spend Easter with my family. When I explained it to him, he told me it was ok. April came and went without incident.

It was May long weekend before I knew it. Josh and I had finally made some plans to spend the entire weekend alone together; it was the one weekend that he agreed to let Carol keep Jesse because she had some family reunion thing happening. I couldn’t wait for it, as much as I loved Jesse; I wanted a weekend with Josh without him.

Josh insisted that I let him plan our weekend but he wouldn’t let me in on what he was thinking about doing. “Just trust me,” he would tell me whenever I asked about it. “I promise that you’ll love every second of it.” The week before all he would tell me was, for that weekend I was his. “No family, no friends, nothing but you and me. For this weekend, the outside world doesn’t exist.”

I was excited to say the least! Excited and a little nervous, I didn’t like not knowing what was going to happen but he wouldn’t give anything up.

Josh had somehow gotten the Friday before the weekend off, I’m not really sure how many favors he called in but he jokingly told me that he did things no man should ever have to do to spend time with his woman. We were going to head out for our destination after he got off work on Thursday but one phone call from Carol changed all that.

The Wednesday before we were going to leave, I was over at his place watching him pack to see if I could figure out where we were going by what he put in his bag but it was no use, he didn’t pack anything special.

Josh had returned to the bed with underwear and socks in his hands to put in his bag. “That should do it,” he told me while he bent over the bag.

“Are you sure you need those?” I asked jokingly as I reached out to tug on the underwear in his hand. “I think this weekend you should go commando, what do you say?” Laughing, he told me that he will if I will. “Umm, no,” was my reply.

“Then I think I’ll pack them, if you don’t mind.”

“I mind,” I told him but he still packed them before moving his bag to the floor so he could join me on his bed.

“This weekend is going to be so much fun Anna.”

“You know what will be fun?” I asked and he shook his head. “If you tell me what we’ll be doing!”

Josh smiled at me for a moment. “Ok,” he pulled me into my side so I was facing him as we lay on his bed. “I’ll tell you what we are doing,” he paused and I so thought he was going to tell me the details but instead he said, “We are going out of town.”

“Josh!” I poked him in the stomach. “I know that much! What are we going to be doing while we are out of town? Where are we going?”

He kissed the tip of my nose. “If I tell you all that Anna, it won’t be a surprise and I really want to surprise you.”

I started to say that he should tell me because what if I don’t like what he planned, even though I knew I would like it because he planned it all for us, when his phone rang.

“Hold that thought,” he said as he rolled onto his back to grab the phone. He started to say hello but stopped. “Carol what do you mean I have to take Jesse this weekend? You said you were taking him to your – well isn’t that nice. What about my plans?” He listened for a while to what she was saying but he didn’t look too impressed at all. “That sounds like a bullshit excuse Carol! I asked you how many times if you were really taking Jesse and you swore up and down that you were! And now you tell me things change?” I could hear Carol’s voice but I couldn’t hear what she was saying but she sounded really upset. “Fine!” Josh snapped. “I don’t care that you are sorry, it doesn’t change the fact that once again you are screwing me over.”

With that said, he pressed the ‘end’ button on his phone. “Fuck!” He slammed the phone back into its base and fell back against the bed. I watched him rub his hands over his face before he turned back to me. “Anna I –”

“We aren’t going away this weekend, are we?” I knew we weren’t, Jesse came first but still I had to ask.

“No,” he said and I turned away from him. I was so disappointed, I wanted to cry. “Honey I’m sorry,” I felt his hand on my shoulder as he moved behind me. “I was really looking forward to this weekend with you. I mean how could I not? It’s been a long time since we spent a weekend by ourselves and I wanted it to be special. I was going to take you –”

“Josh don’t!” I pulled away from him and sat up without looking at him. “I don’t want to know what we were going to do this weekend, not now.” I heard him sigh and I knew there was no point in being mad at him for this.

“I’m sorry Anna,” he sat up and wrapped his arms around me. “I wish there was something I could do but Carol if freaking out, she says I have to take Jesse this weekend.”

“Why?” I finally looked at him. “Why this weekend? What’s going on that she can’t look after him?”

“I don’t know,” he told me. “She was acting very strange, she just told me that I had to take Jess, that she needed to know that she wouldn’t have to worry about him this weekend.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s going on but she seemed really scared, she kept rambling about needing to protect Jess and Niles.”

“I have to make a call,” I jumped off the bed and grabbed his phone. I didn’t even notice that he was giving me a confused look, all I could think of was, is this it? Is this the weekend that Zack and his fellow cops were making a move on Phil? Is that why Carol is panicking?

I quickly dialed Zack’s number; it took a few rings before he answered. “Looks like my plans have been cancelled,” I said to him as he was saying ‘hello’.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he replied right away.

“It’s happening, isn’t it?”

“Anna you know I can’t tell you anything.”

“Why this weekend?”

“Anna you know I can’t tell you anything!” He snapped. “I’m sorry your weekend is ruined but there’s nothing I could do about it if I wanted too. I have to go.”

I glanced at Josh; he was staring at me, frowning. He looked more upset at that moment than he did when he got off the phone with Carol. And I realized it was because of me, and the conversation I was having at that moment. “What about Josh?” I asked Zack.

He sighed, “He’ll be ok. Just make sure that Jess is with him this weekend Anna.”

“No, I meant –”

“I know what you meant Anna and I forbid you to tell Josh anything! Just – wait a minute! He’s right there with you, isn’t he?” I told him yes and Zack started to curse. “Anna of all the stupid things you’ve ever done in your life, this one tops them all! What the hell are you thinking? The more people who know about this the higher the chance that someone will fuck it up! We’ve spent months on this Anna; I can’t afford to have you ruin it! I told you I didn’t want Josh to know anything was going on because he wouldn’t act normally, he would freak! I don’t need Josh freaking because he thinks Jess is in danger!”

“I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking about that!”

“That’s the problem Anna, you don’t think before you do something!” My brother cursed a few more times before telling me not to say a damn thing to Josh, “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Patching Things Up With Zack

Neither one of us said anything at first. He was sitting on my bed, with one leg curled under him, staring down at me, wearing the pjs that I gave him a couple years ago for his birthday. Even in the early morning light I could tell there were no emotions showing on his face; he didn’t smile but he wasn’t frowning either. He was just sitting there watching me. “Zack?” I pressed my hands flat against my mattress and pushed myself up into a sitting position. Rubbing my eyes, I asked him if everything was ok.

But instead of answering my question he asks me one. “Do you know how often I watched you sleep when you were younger?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I didn’t know you watched me at all; I know you watched the girls sometimes when they were not feeling good.” I gave him a weary smile and he returned it, sort of. “When did you watch me Zack?”

“The first couple months after mom and dad died, you were always having nightmares and calling out for them,” he shifted his position on my bed, bringing his other leg up and resting his foot flat against my mattress. “You would always end up in bed with Mary and me; either we’d bring you out because you were scared or I would wake up to find that you snuck in while we were sleeping. Those nights I often laid there watching you sleep, you looked so peaceful but I knew it would only be a matter of time before you started calling out in your sleep.”

It was true, I did have horrible nightmares just after my parents died, a lot of them were of my parents leaving and never coming back, so they were true to life. Some were that I had a real hand in my parents’ death but the worst ones were when I dreamt that Zack and Mary decided that they didn’t want me anymore and I was sent away; those dreams still scare the crap out of me to this day.

“I didn’t sleep that well for the longest time,” he told me. “I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know if I could handle being your guardian when I didn’t even know how to help you through the pain you felt.” He reached out and took my hand in his. “You were blaming yourself for their death and you wouldn’t listen to me or Mary when we told you that it wasn’t your fault. You withdrew from everyone, you weren’t the happy little girl that I knew and it scared the shit out of me Anna.”

“So I stay awake watching you sleep wondering how I was going to help you be a happy little girl again.” Zack sighed and then laughed. “I bet you are wondering why I’m telling you this.”

“Well yes,” I said hesitantly. “I don’t really know what this has to do with…”

“Me being mad at you?” He finished for me and I nodded. “I know it doesn’t make sense Anna, you don’t see why I got upset. Hell! Even Mary doesn’t see why I acted the way I did but I couldn’t help it.”

“Care to explain it?”

Zack nodded, “I think I should.”

“Ok but before you do, I want you to know I really didn’t mean what I said. I was just…well.” I sighed. “I didn’t expect all of you to be waiting for me when I got there, I wasn’t expecting you to be mad and I certainly wasn’t expecting the tension between you and Josh. What the heck was that? I thought you guys were friends?”

Once again, Zack nodded. “We are Anna, nothing had changed there. I don’t have anything against him, I don’t mind that you are dating him but I have to tell you,” Zack shook his head angrily. “This morning I wanted to rip his head off.”

“But why? If you are ok with Josh, why would you act that way?”

“Because I’m your brother?” He offered. “Because I’ve been the guy who was given the job to watch over you? Or maybe just because I watched you go from being really happy when you first started dating him, to withdrawing into that same state you were in after our parents died. I was so worried about you Anna. You have no idea how much I wanted to kick his ass for that.”

“It wasn’t his fault Zack!” I sat forward and stared at him. “I was the one who caused it! I was the one who hurt him by kissing Jordan. What did you expect him to do? Pretend it didn’t happen? Look past the fact that he was hurting because I betrayed his trust?”

“I think he should’ve given you a chance to explain when it happened!” Zack snapped at me. “I think he could’ve told you that he needed a couple days to deal with it and then let you know if he could work past it or not. I don’t like the fact that he just walked out, telling you he would ‘erase you’ if he could! That was low Anna! You don’t say shit like that to someone you love, no matter what they did.” Zack was fuming when he reached the end of that sentence. “Erase you? I can’t believe he said that and seeing him walk in the kitchen with you this morning, with that smile on his face, all I could think about what that comment. I didn’t want to see you go through that again.”

“But we were working it out,” I told him. “You knew we were seeing each other and trying to make it back to where we were. I told you that he wanted to start over again, he wanted to be with me.”

“Yes,” Zack sighed. “You did say that but how do I know that he isn’t going to pull that shit again? When you first started talking to him again, you were on cloud nine, you thought he was taking you back and then he started with the starting over crap again. You were crushed and I could see it Anna, no matter how hard you tried to hide it.”

“But things are better now,” I smiled at him. “Josh and I are back together.”

“Yeah,” Zack glanced away for a second. “Mary told me what happened after I left.”

“Zack please be happy for me, this is what I want. I hated not being with him.”

“I know but I don’t want you to get your hopes up and rush into this, only to end up right back where you started from. I told you in the beginning that it was going to be difficult to have a relationship with Josh because of his work commitments and Jesse. I just don’t want to see you stuck in a situation where you don’t think you can be yourself or get out if you need too.”

“I won’t be stuck,” I told him confidently.

“No?” He raised a brow in my direction. “Why’s that?”

I smiled. “Because I know that you’ll always be there to help me, I don’t even have to ask most times.”

Finally Zack gave me an honest to goodness, ear to ear smile. “Come here you pain in the ass.”

I leaped up on my knees and threw my arms around his neck. “I love you Zacky.”

“Anna!” Zack groaned, he hated it when I called him that. “I love you too sis.”

I felt a million times better as he hugged me tight.

“I guess I should go see if I can get a couple hours of sleep before my other little monsters are awake,” Zack told me when he moved off my bed. “I’m supposed to spend the day with them so Mary can clean more.”

“Don’t remind me,” I groaned and fell back against my bed, I was still sore from the day before. “Mary wants to tackle the garage today, did you know that?”

Zack just laughed, “I offered to help but she told me I would just get in the way.” I told him I wouldn’t laugh too hard; Mary cleaning normally meant she would find some stuff for the ‘honey-do’ list. He pointed his finger at me and gave me a stern look, “Don’t go giving her any ideas!”

I just laughed as he headed for the door. When he went to pass through the doorway, I called out to him. “Zack?” I pushed back my blankets and jumped out of bed as he turned and said what. “You know when you stormed out of Chad’s yesterday?” He nodded, of course he knew. “Well I know this is going to sound crazy but,” I frowned as I stared up at him, searching for the words to explain what I felt. “I had the same feeling at that moment as I did when I finally realized that mom and dad weren’t coming home.” He started to say something but I continued. “I never ever want to feel that way again, I don’t know how I would handle it if you never came home and the last words I said to you were, ‘I hate you’.”

“Oh God Anna,” Zack grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into his arms. “You can’t think like that, if you do you’ll drive yourself crazy.”

“I just meant that I…” I took a breath in hopes to calm myself enough to say what I was thinking without crying. “You are more than just a brother to me Zack, losing you would hurt just as much as losing mom and dad.”

“Damn Anna,” Zack hugged me tighter as he closed his eyes to hide his emotions from me. “You’ll never lose me,” his voice was a little shaky as he spoke. “I’ll be here to walk you down the aisle, I’ll be here to see the joy on your face when you hold your first baby, and I’ll be here for all the other important life events Anna. Don’t worry about that.”

“You are a great dad Zack, to the girls and to me. I’m really glad that you stepped up and took me in when I needed you. I don’t know where I’d be if you weren’t there for me my whole life.”

Zack was too choked up to say anything; he just hugged me even tighter, which I didn’t think was even possible.

I was very happy that I got to say what I was thinking to him that morning; it needed to be said. I made a promise to myself as he squeezed the bejesus out of me that I would try to never say or do anything stupid to hurt him again. He gave me so much and I for that I was very grateful.

No Need To Argue

I ran to the phone the second I could move again. I had to call him. I picked up the receiver to dial Zack’s cell phone but Mary came over and hung up the phone on me. “What are you doing?” I shrieked. “I have to talk to him! He has to know that I didn’t mean it.”

“Anna,” Mary spoke softly as she tried to calm me down. “Deep down Zack knows that you don’t really hate him, that you overreacted to something that he never should have started in the beginning.” When I gave her a questioning look, she sighed. “We never expected to see Josh with you this morning.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I let her lead me away from the phone to the table where she pulled out the chair Zack was seated in moments before. “Why are you here? Is it because I didn’t call or come home last night?” Mary shook her head. “Is everything ok? Is someone hurt?” I glanced around the room, kind of in a panic. “Where are the girls? And Conner?”

“At school,” Mary told me. “Lindsay had to be there early for a run through of the play she’s in; all the other kids wanted to go and watch. Since I was already in town and Zack didn’t have to work until 9, we thought we would come have breakfast with Chad, Susan and you.”

“I wasn’t here,” I didn’t need to say it, and I felt stupid when I did. “Was that why he was mad? Because I didn’t come home last night?” Mary glanced at Chad who hadn’t even looked at me since Zack got up from the table. “What’s going on?” I asked them.

“It was my idea,” Chad said with a sad sounding chuckle. “We were just going to pretend that we were mad at you,” he gave me a half hearted smile. “You know how much we love to harass you! That’s all it was supposed to be. You know, we’ve done it so many times before.” He paused for a moment as his eyes jumped to Josh before coming back to me. “Josh being with you kind of threw us for a loop.”

“You got to be kidding me!” I stared at him in disbelief, Chad shook his head. I turned to Mary, “If that’s all that was supposed to happen, why did Zack get there and…” I couldn’t even finish that sentence, I still couldn’t believe that Zack and Josh were actually standing in Chad’s kitchen, arguing.

“I don’t really know why Zack acted like that,” Mary started. “I was just as surprised as you were; there was no reason for it and there was certainly no reason for Josh to leave.” A slight smile appeared on Mary’s face, “Although I have to say,” she turned to Josh. “I’m glad you did stay.” She frowned and added, “Sorry about what had happened but happy that you stood by Anna when you thought she was in trouble.”

“I had too,” Josh mumbled as he stared at the table in front of him. “It was my fault that she didn’t come home. I had a little too much to drink so I couldn’t drive her home.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I told him. “I could’ve called a cab but I didn’t want to leave, I was having so much fun.”

The room was very quiet as Josh and I turned to each other both of us blaming ourselves for what happened. I could hear the seconds tick by on the clock that hung between the fridge and the entrance to the kitchen and in every single one of those seconds, I wished I could turn back time to take back the hurtful things I said to Zack. I was starting to feel worst as time went by and I knew it was my own fault.

The uncomfortable silence was broken by Susan. “Wait,” she jumped up as if she just had an idea or had to pee really badly. Everyone turned in unison to gawk at her as she glanced back and forth between Josh and me. “You two are back together?”

Chad was the first one to react to what she said; he got up from his chair, patted her on the head and jokingly said. “That was swift sweetheart.”

“Oh shhh,” she slapped at his arm when he went by her on his way to the fridge for more juice. “So?” Susan looked at me expectantly. “Tell me! I want to know it all!”

“Nothing like waiting until Josh isn’t here sweetheart,” Chad shook his head and laughed.

Josh didn’t seem to care at all; he gave Susan a smile and told her that we were back together. “I missed her,” he said. “Even though she was there, I missed not being with her. I hated the space between us and since I was the one who asked for that space, I thought I would tell her that I didn’t need it anymore.” He turned to me as he said, “Thankfully she still wanted to be with me.”

My sister in laws would later pull me aside for the whole story but you could tell that even with the little bit that he told them, they were happy for me – for us.

Josh left Chad’s that morning around the same time that Mary and I did. I wouldn’t see him again for a couple days because he had plans to take Jesse to see his grandparents for the weekend. “I really wish you could come,” he told me as we were saying bye outside by Mary’s van. “I know my grandparents would love to meet you and Jess would certainly love to spend some time with you.”

“And you?”

He smiled, “I would be the happiest man in the world if you were by my side this weekend.” He lowered his head, I thought he was going to kiss my lips but he went down until his lips were against my neck. “I’ll be thinking of you while I’m gone.” He pressed tiny kisses up my neck and along my jaw. “I hope you work things out with Zack,” he told me when he moved back to gaze into my eyes. “If I can be of any help, just call my cell.”

I told him I would and then he kissed me. Oh boy did he kiss me! I still feel tingly all over as I did that day when his lips moved against mine.

Mary and I went home and started with the cleaning. By the time I had to get ready for work, we had made it through the girls’ playroom and the family room. Tired, sweaty and a little achy, I felt like showering and crawling into bed not going to work.

Mary doesn’t know it but before I left the house, I called Zack’s cell and left him a message telling him I was sorry and begging him to call me back. “Zack you must know that I don’t really hate you, I was upset and I didn’t stop to think about what I was saying. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I hope that you’ll forgive me enough for me to tell you this in person. I love you Zack. Please call me.”

Work sucked because I wasn’t really in the mood to be there plus I was too busy checking my phone every five seconds to see if he called – I had the ringer turned off so I wouldn’t get in trouble for having my cell on the sales floor – but Zack didn’t call me back that night.

I figured that he would just be waiting for me to get home like he always does and then I could talk to him. My hopes were high and when I turned into the driveway, I was so relieved to see that the lights were still on upstairs.

Once I shut off my car, I ran towards the house. Kicking off my boots, I ran towards the stairs, taking them two at a time. “Hey,” I smiled at Mary who was just heading towards the stairs. But my heart sunk when I saw her hand on the light switch. “Zack is already gone to bed?” I didn’t believe it; he was always up when I got home from work! Even when I didn’t want to see him, he was there.

“I’m sorry Anna,” was all Mary could say.

“When did he go to bed?” I asked as my eyes started to sting from the tears I was trying not to shed.

She hesitated for a while and I knew she didn’t have to say it; Zack went to bed just before I got home. “I’m sorry Anna,” she repeated when my shoulders slumped. “I told him he should wait and talk to you about this but he is being stubborn.”

“I didn’t mean it Mary, I don’t hate him.” I brushed away the tear that spilled from the corner of my eye.

“I know you don’t,” Mary pushed away from the wall and came over to me, hugging me tight. “I know you love your brother just like I know he loves you.”

“Why does this keep happening?” I sobbed. “Why do I feel empty whenever he’s not talking to me?”

Mary took a deep breath and slowly let it out before she spoke. “Your relationship with your brother is so complex Anna; he raised you, you look to him for approval and guidance like you would your dad if he was around. For the longest time it was fine because you needed a father figure more than you needed a brother but now…” she sighed. “You want him to just be your brother and it doesn’t work like that, he knows you are his sister but honey he sees you as one of his girls and deep down you feel like one of our girls.”

She pushed me back enough to look at me and asked if that sounded about right. “That sounds so messed up,” I laughed and Mary smiled.

“It is but there’s nothing your brother or I would do to change it,” she said and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Zack loves you Anna, he won’t stay mad long, you’ll see.” She released me and started for the stairs. “Go to bed and get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning.”

I went to bed that night but sleep didn’t come too quickly. It was pushing 2 am when I finally closed my eyes and drifted off.

But in the early morning light, I woke with a start to find Zack sitting on the edge of my bed staring down at me.

There Was Always Love

Josh and I walked hand in hand into the kitchen. I don’t think anyone was expecting to see Josh with me, let alone see his hand wrapped around mine or the protective look he had on his face.

Both my brothers and their wives were sitting around the kitchen table, the remains of their breakfast sat in front of them as they stared at us. “What’s going on?” I asked as I glanced from one surprised face to another until Zack cleared his throat and then my gaze rested on him but he was looking at Josh. I couldn’t tell what was going through his head but he didn’t look too happy to see Josh with me.

“Thank you for seeing Anna home,” Zack said almost dismissively to Josh, as if he wanted him to leave.

“No problem,” Josh replied but he didn’t move; he stood firm at my side.

“What’s going on?” I repeated. “Why is everyone here?”

“We’ll get to that in a minute,” Zack said before turning to Josh. “Don’t you have to get to work?”

Josh shrugged, “Eventually.”

Zack took a sip of his orange juice, glanced at Mary and then stood up slowly to make his way over to where Josh and I stood. “I think now would be a good time to head off to work,” he stood a mere foot away from Josh when he said that.

“Do you?” Josh raised a brow at Zack. “Funny, I don’t think this would be a good time to do that, in fact, I think I should stick around for a while; my first class isn’t until 10, I have lots of time.”

I started to get this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. Are you kidding me? Is Zack really pulling his crap today? What the hell is going on? And whoa! What’s with the attitude from Josh? I thought they were friends?

“What are you trying to pull?” Zack snapped at Josh. “You think you can be a complete ass? Put my sister through the spin cycle for the last couple months and we are supposed to just sit back and say nothing? No fucking way!” Zack grabbed hold of Josh’s jacket and got in his face. “It doesn’t work that way!”

“Zack!” I went to move towards them but Zack shot me a look that made me freeze in mid motion.

“I’m not trying to pull anything,” Josh replied calmly as he shook free from Zack’s grip. “Do you think I’ve enjoyed these last couple months? Do you think it was my idea?”

“Why yes I do!” Zack glared at him. “I don’t recall hearing Anna say once that she wanted to be ‘friends’ with you! Friends? What the hell was that?”
“That,” Josh snapped. “Was me trying to deal with the fact that…” Josh sighed. “You know what? I don’t have to explain myself to you! The only one who has any right to question me is Anna.”

“Oh?” Zack step back with a comical expression on his face. “You think I have no right to question your intentions towards my sister?”

“I never said that,” Josh snapped.

“No?” Zack glanced over his shoulder towards the table. “That is what he just said, isn’t it? I’m not going crazy, am I?” There was a chorus of no’s so Zack turned back to Josh. “Everyone heard the same thing I did. So how is it that you didn’t say it?”

“You know damn well what I meant!”

“Do I?”

Josh didn’t reply he was glaring at Zack; his jaw was clenched so tight, I thought he would break a tooth or two.

“Why are you doing this Zack?” My voice broke as I asked, I was really upset.

Zack took his time breaking off from the glaring contest that he was having with Josh. Slowly he turned his head to look at me. “Because I can,” he told me.

“What?” I stared at him. “Because you can? Are you out of your mind?” I flew at him and punched him in the chest. “This was a good morning!” I cried. “Josh and I got back together, I was on cloud nine! I couldn’t wait to tell all of you and you have to pull this crap? Why do you always have to crap all over my happiness? I hate you!” I turned away from Zack, I wanted to get out of there but Josh wouldn’t let me. “I want to go,” I told him but he wasn’t looking at me.

I turned to see what he was looking at and immediately felt like the world’s worst two year old when I say the hurt look on Zack’s face. “Zack I…” I went to reach out and touch him but he shrugged me off.

“No it’s ok.” He didn’t even look at me. “Hate me. It’s not like I have your best interests in mind or anything. It’s not like I was there when you were crying your heart out because he wasn’t around anymore. It’s not like my heart wasn’t breaking for you these last couple months.”

“Zack please…”

“No,” Zack turned away from me. “Hate me Anna,” he continued as he went over to give Mary a kiss on the cheek and grab his jacket. He came towards me and finally he looked at me. “All I ever do is crap all over your happiness anyway, what does it matter if you hate me or not?”

I went after him as he stalked towards the front door but he ignored me. I tried to get him to stop and talk to me but he wouldn’t.

When he opened the front door, he turned for a second to look at me and I thought he would say something to me but he stepped through the doorway and slammed the door behind him.

I know it sounds crazy but Zack leaving that morning left me with the same feeling I had the day I realized that my dad wasn’t coming home again.