It Had To Happen

It’s all a blur. One minute I was pinned against his door and his hard body, kissing him with all the passion I was capable and the next minute, we were in his room. He was on his back, dressed just his boxers as I straddled his hips, holding his hands above his head while I pressed tiny kisses against his neck and shoulders.

“Josh…” moaned as he freed his hands from mine and brought them down to grip my hips, holding me down against him. “What are we doing?” I sighed against his shoulder.

“What?” He nudged my cheek with his nose until I met his lips in a heated kiss.

“Hmmm,” I pulled back slightly.

“What’s wrong honey?” His hands loosened their grip on my hips. “You don’t…” he sighed, taking his hands from me, he ran them through his hair. “This isn’t what you want.” He turned his head away and closed his eyes, “What is this? A pity-”

“If you finish that statement Josh, I’ll bite you!”

A smile played on his lips, “Oh promises, promises Anna.”

“Ha ha,” I shook my head. “No this wasn’t a pity anything. I really wanted…” I sighed and moved off him, falling face first into his mattress.

“What did you want honey?” He turned onto his side, his hand instinctively landing on the curve of my waist. “Why did you come over tonight Anna?”

“I told you,” I snuggled up to him. “I wanted to see you.”

“Yeah but Anna,” he moved back enough to gaze down at me. “Why did you want to see me? Do you want to be with me or is this some last hurrah, or…?”

“Josh,” I pressed my hand against his chest. “I didn’t come over just to screw you, no matter how hot you make me, that wasn’t why I stopped by.”

“Oh thank God,” he hugged me tight. “I’m glad you don’t think of me as a booty call.”

“No, certainly not a ‘booty call’.”

“Then what am I Anna?” He motioned at his near naked body and my shirtless one. “What is this all about?”

I gave a little shrug but he wasn’t satisfied with that, he wanted an explanation. I lowered my head, my forehead rested against his bare chest, “I lied to you,” I told him softly. He tried to move back to look down at me but I wouldn’t let him; I didn’t think I could look at him at the moment. He asked me what I was talking about, when did I lie to him. “When you came over before picking Jess yesterday.”

“You didn’t want me to come over?” He asked a little cluelessly.

“No Josh,” I tilted my head back to gaze up at him. “It wasn’t that, I meant what I said just before you got into the car…”

He shifted, raised himself up on his elbow, “You mean…” he squinted. “When you told me that you loved me but weren’t in love with me?”

I nodded, “Yeah, then.”

“Oh,” he dropped back onto the bed. “I see.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to him, he was all silent and almost broody. “Josh?” I slipped my hand over his shoulder.

“This is messed up,” he groaned and gathered me in his arms, pulling me to him. “I love you,” he whispered against my temple. “I messed this up,” he confessed. “I freaked about Jordan, I jumped at the first sign of interest from a drunk woman when I was three sheets to the wind myself and just when I thought I had a real chance to make everything right. To be the man you deserved, my drunken mistake calls me to tell me that she doesn’t want anything from me but I should know that she’s pregnant with my baby.”

“Don’t forget,” I jumped in. “Not giving me a chance before trying to push me off on Jordan after finding out.”

He nodded, “You’re right, I’m a moron. It just threw me for a loop, Tracy being pregnant; I was careful, we were protected and to be honest, I regretted being with her immediately.”

“I just figured that you wouldn’t want to be with me once you found out,” he told me. “I really wouldn’t blame you either; I’m not exactly the world’s greatest catch here. I’m going to be 33 soon, I’m about to be a dad for the second time and if that wasn’t enough, I’m still wrapped up in a custody thing with my ex wife.” He shook his head, “Christ, could I have more going on?”

I stared at him for a while, but the first words out of my mouth weren’t anything to do with anything he said. “I’m going to be a Godmother.”

“What?”

“Nick called me earlier and asked me to hang out with Amy tonight. At first I was a little weary because Amy and I never really got along but it turned out that Amy was the one who wanted to hang out with me - she wanted to ask me if I would be Godmother to their baby.”

“Wow,” Josh seemed impressed. “That’s great honey; you’ll be a great influence on their child’s life.”

“I know!” I grinned. “I can’t wait; this is something I’ve been looking forward to my whole life, being a role model.”

Josh started to chuckle, “Yeah, right.”

“What?” I frowned up at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Anna, don’t get me wrong but I know for a fact that a role model isn’t what you really want to be,” he shifted his position until I was on my back and he was leaning over me. “We all know that you want to be a mom, it’s why children are drawn to you, because you have that motherly instinct and you make them feel loved.” He kissed my forehead, “You’ll be a great Godmother honey but most importantly, when your time comes, you’ll be a wonderful mommy.”

“Yeah,” I stroked his chest sadly. “But you won’t be the daddy, will you?”

Josh settled down next to me again, he took me in his arms, holding me tight as he told me he wished that things were different, “I wish I could be daddy to your babies but right now, honey, there’s so much that I have to deal with before I could even be ready to be your man.”

I knew he was right; this was bad timing for us, just like it was five years earlier. It didn’t mean that we didn’t care about each other or that the love we felt wasn’t real, it just meant that time wasn’t right for us, we weren’t ready for us. I didn’t know if we would ever be ready or if the timing would ever be right. All I knew, as I fell asleep in his arms that night, was that I didn’t regret our time together.

And I felt alright about trying to move on.

Can't Stay Away

I left Nick and Amy’s around eleven that night. When Nick came home, they seemed more interested in being together than having company so I quickly gave them both hugs and thanked them once again for choosing me to be their baby’s Godmother. They tried to tell me I was welcomed to stay but I made my excuses and headed for the door.

I can’t even tell you how excited the idea of being the baby’s Godmother made me; all my life I had wanted to have babies. When I was a little girl, I used to pretend to be mommy to all my dolls and to all the boys’ action figures. And some time when the boys weren’t feeling all that great, I would ‘mother’ them until they felt better. Then, when Mary had Cassie, I was always trying to help her, even though I was probably in the way more than helpful at eight years old.

I guess I always wanted to be a mom and I thought that by this time of my life, I would be on the way to being just that. But as I drove away from Nick and Amy’s, I wondered if that would ever happen for me. Oh…

I stopped at the red light as the thought hit me. Was that why I was so determined to make things work with Josh? Because of Jesse? Did I really care for Josh? Or was I just using him in hopes that I could become ‘mommy’ to Jesse? Did Jess calling me ‘Ama’ encourage me to feel for Josh….NO! I shook my head; I had feelings for him long before Jesse.

When the light changed, I continued on my way home. Not really wanting to be going home though. I really want to share my news with someone, I sighed. What I really wanted to do was to go over to Josh’s apartment and crawl into his arms, it hadn’t been that long and I already missed him.

“Why can’t I go see him?” I wondered out loud. “Why do I have to pretend not to care about him just because of some chick he slept with when we weren’t together? Why do I have to be miserable when all I want to do is be with him?”

I approached his street, I hesitated, I really wanted to flip on my turn signal and go see him but I wasn’t sure he would really want to see me. What if he really doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What if the whole baby thing was a ruse to break up with me? I stepped on the gas and sped past his street. Well screw him, begging Zack for my hand and then breaking up with me a few hours later? What the hell was up with that? And did he even try to stop me when I -

This is crazy! I pulled over onto the side of the road. Just go see him, tell him what you really feel. Tell him that it doesn’t matter what he did when you weren’t together, you care about him and you want to be with him. End of story.

I turned my car around but instead of turning down his street, I drove past it once again. In fact I drove by his street a few times before thinking I was totally losing my mind. Stepping on the gas, I sped up spinning the car around, flipped on the turn signal and ripped down the street until I squealed to a stop. My first thought, as I jumped out of my car and closed the door, was that if my brother saw me just now, he would’ve given me a ticket for stunting.

I tried to stick with that thought as I made my way up the three flights of stairs to Josh’s apartment - not because I thought it was a mistake - no, I wanted to stick with that thought because I had no idea what it was that I wanted to say to him when I saw him. I just wanted to see him.

It was late, I didn’t really think he would still be up but I knocked anyway. Five minutes after my first knock, I turned to go when I heard the clicking of the dead bolt as it slid from its locking position.

The door opened slowly, the room was dark behind him except for the glow of television screen in the living room. “Anna?” A crease appeared in his forehead as he shoved the door back against the wall, he reached for me, “honey what’s up? It’s late, are you ok?” He ran his hands down my arms, to my waist - his gaze following his hands as they roamed over my body, looking for problems.

“Josh…” his hands slipped up under my arms, skimming the sides of my breasts, I had to bite my lip to stop from moaning out loud.

“You seem ok,” he told me but he didn’t remove his hands from my body.

“Yeah,” I looked up at him. “I’m ok, there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Oh then…” he frowned, “honey why are you here?”

“Well, I…” I flashed him a smile along with a shrug.

“Oh,” he dropped his hands from me. “Then why are you here?”

“I just wanted to see you,” I mumbled as I stared over his shoulder. It was harder than I thought to admit that I wanted to see him, it was like I was saying some thing wrong.

“What did you just say Anna?”

I glanced at him, “I said I wanted to see you.”

“You wanted…” he lifted his hand up to me, pressing it against my forehead as if he thought I had a fever.

“Yeah,” I moved away from his hand. “I wanted to see you, is that a problem?”

“No!” He grabbed my upper arms. “I just…” he smiled. “It’s just a surprise Anna; I didn’t think you would want to see me, so this is…”

I raised a brow, “A surprise?”

He nodded.

“Well,” I walked towards him, he backed into his apartment. “If you think that was a surprise…” I closed the door.

“Anna are you…?” his question was lost when I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Oh God baby…” he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “So are you -”

“Shut up and kiss me Josh.”

There was no argument from him as his lips brushed against mine, "With pleasure," he growled.

Amy's Hidden Agenda

I was tried of hearing people jumping all on the bandwagon for Jordan and me to take our relationship to the next level. How could I do that? We may be best friends but that didn’t mean that we would be great as a couple. I tried to tell Amy that but she told me that I wouldn’t know until I tried it.

“What you and Jordan have is a lot like what Nick and I have, or even Zack and Mary.” She said and then went on to tell me that in the end it would be up to both of us if we do cross over that line. “I just wonder if you guys can have real relationships with other people if you don’t get the feelings you have for each other out of the way. He loves you Anna, that’s not going to change, you two just have to figure out if it’s as friends or lovers.”

“Lovers,” I laughed. “Like that wouldn’t be weird, seeing Jordan naked.”

“Yeah right,” Amy giggled, “like you never thought about him naked before.” Her eyes lit up, “I remember a time when you couldn’t even look at him because of all the sexual dreams you had about him. And come on, Jordan is in the best shape he’s ever been in. All toned and muscular from his work, I bet sex with him would be so hot.”

“Amy!” I gasped. “Are you having sexual thoughts about your husband’s brother?”

“No,” she laughed. “I have the better twin warming my bed. I was just saying, I know sex with Nick is hot, so Jordan should be good. Don’t you think?”

“I’ve never thought about him that way before Amy.”

“Oh bullshit Anna, we both know you’ve looked at Jordan like that and you have to admit that you’ve wondered plenty about how it would be with him.” She paused as the waitress stopped by to take our dessert order. When the waitress walked away Amy smiled at me. “I believe there was more to the kiss than you like to admit.”

“Oh Amy,” I sighed. “I don’t really wish to talk about this anymore.”

“Ok,” Amy nodded. “I understand, I wouldn’t want to talk about the man who loves me either. That would just be boring.”

“Whatever!” I laughed. “I bet I couldn’t stop you from talking about Nick.”

“Well,” she blushed. “He has been wonderful these last couple months. He rubs my feet all the time, he brings me all these little things to show his love, he’ll run baths for me and some times he’ll cook for me when he comes home all tried.”

“Oh listen to you,” I tossed my napkin at her. “Yes, your husband is the best now stop bragging.”

“Well,” she took a sip from her water glass. “You could be bragging too, there is another Pollett brother out there and hey! What do you know? He’s hot for you!”

“Oh really?” I raised a brow. “And here I thought Mike was gay.”

“Oh whatever!” Amy threw my napkin back at me. “You know I was talking about Jordan.” She smiled, “Or ‘Jordy’ as you love to call him, ‘Babe’.”

I smiled, “It’s not like no one else calls him Jordy.”

“You’re right, we all call him that some times but you are the only one he calls ‘Babe’.”

The waitress came back with our dessert, “Our bartender, Nick, asked me to give you this..” She looked a little embarrassed as she placed a small drink umbrella down in Amy’s ice cream sundae.

“Oh my,” Amy held her hand over her heart, she looked like she was about to cry.

“I don’t know why he…”

I didn’t like the way she was looking at Amy, like she wasn’t good enough for Nick. That ticked me off, Amy was the best thing that ever happened to Nick. “Wow Amy,” I smiled, hoping she wouldn’t cry for real. “Nick has really got to take no for an answer, you are a happily married woman for God sakes.”

Amy laughed, “If he took ‘no’ for an answer Anna, we wouldn’t be having a baby in a couple days!” When the waitress walked off looking more embarrassed than when she did what Nick asked, Amy rolled her eyes. “Tramp.” I couldn’t help but laugh at her.

As we dug into our ice cream, I mentioned to Amy how Nick said Amy asked if I would hang out with her tonight. “It’s not that I don’t like hanging with you Amy, it’s just that -”

“We haven’t spent much time together? You and I haven’t really got along?”

“Yeah,” I agreed reluctantly. “So you know it was a shock when he said you wanted to hang out with me. Almost like…”

“I have a hidden agenda?”

“Yeah,” I frowned. “Do you?”

“Yes,” she laughed. “I did have something I wanted to talk about with you.”

“Oh really?” I smiled for a second before an idea hit me. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Jordan, does it?”

“No, of course not Anna!” She reached for my hand with this silly grin on her face.

“Ok,” I smiled. “So what’s on your mind?”

“Well,” she rubbed her belly as she smiled. “You see, Nick and I were talking about our future and our baby. He happened to bring up what happened to you when you were eight, you know, the accident and…”

“You mean when I lost my parents? Oh Amy, that’s not going to happen to you -”

“I know Anna, it’s not that we think it will, Nick just wants to be prepared, he doesn’t want our baby to be left alone if something happens to us. That’s why we decided to pick godparents for our baby.”

“Oh,” I smiled. “Godparents is a good idea, I don’t know where I’ll be if it wasn’t for my brother stepping up after my parents died.”

“Yeah, well people say it should be a couple -”

“True, that makes it easier I guess. I know I was glad to have both Mary and Zack.”

“We don’t know any couples we trust that much thought. So we were talking and we decided to each pick someone. Nick would pick the guy and I would choose the female.” She seemed to be waiting for me to say something but I didn’t know what to say. “Well, Nick talked to his choice a couple nights ago.”

“Really? So who did he pick?” I chuckled and then said, “Jordan.”

Amy nodded, “Yes, Nick asked Jordan to be our baby’s godfather. He was really debating between Mike and Jordan for the longest time but he finally picked Jordan so our baby would have someone to play with or talk too if something happens to us. But Jenna wasn’t the only reason, deep down, Jordan and Nick are the same, even if they don’t like everyone pointing it out to them.”

“Mike would’ve been great,” I said. “But yes, I do see why Nick would choose Jordan. He’ll make you guys proud.”

“I agree, he will make sure our baby knows the man Nick was if something happens. And I’ve put a lot of thought into who I wanted to be godmother too. Anna, I want to know if you would take care of my baby if something happens to Nick and me.”

I almost choked on my ice cream. “What?” I’m sure I looked as confused as I felt. “You can’t be serious? Me?”

“Yes!” She exclaimed. “You Anna. I thought about it and I really want you to be our baby’s godmother.”

“But I…” I shook my head in disbelief. “Are you sure?”

She nodded happily. “Yes Anna, I’m sure. I see you with the kids, you seem to know what they need and how to make them happy. You have a way with kids Anna, I don’t know where you got it but I’m very glad you have it because I can’t think of another woman I want taking care of my baby.” She dabbed her eyes with her napkin, “Will you do it Anna? Will you love my baby like your own if some thing happens to me?”

I didn’t even take a moment to think about it. “Amy,” I took her hand in mine and gave her my most sincere smile. “I’m honoured that you would choose me. And yes! I would step up for your child if anything were to happen to you and Nick! Oh my God!” I squealed, “I’m going to be a Godmother!”

I guess I squealed loud enough because Nick came running over with a bottle of ginger ale. “Only the best for my two favourite girls,” he exclaimed as he poured ginger ale into our empty glasses. “A toast to our baby!”

Amy's View On Things

Amy laughed self conscientiously as she rubbed her belly. “Come on Anna, I’m not that huge,” she paused briefly before adding, “Am I?”

“No, of course not,” I lied, she was bigger than most of the pregnant women I’ve seen. “I just wasn’t prepared to see you full blown pregnant,” I told her honestly. “I mean you weren’t this far along the last time I saw you.” Amy gave me a nod; I wasn’t sure if she was agreeing with me or if she was just hoping to shut me up.

“So where are we going?” She asked once she was comfortably settled into the passenger seat of my car. “Nick said it was your idea to go for dinner?” When I told her it was, she told me that she was happy we were going out. “I really haven’t been in the mood to cook that much lately,” she told me. “I know Nick says it doesn’t matter to him but I know that he would rather have a real meal instead of soup and sandwiches or Kraft dinner or…”

“Whoa,” I reached out and squeezed her arm when I heard her voice crack. “Listen Amy, Nick may love food but I’m sure that he understands how you are feeling lately.” Amy sniffled and I smiled, “Besides, if he doesn’t, you tell him he gets to carry the next baby!”

She laughed, “He’s been so great Anna, I couldn’t have asked for a better…” I glanced at her and she dabbed her eyes with the tissue she held. “Do you know he tells me every day I’m beautiful?” She turned to me, “I used to think he would be turned off by -” she motioned to her belly.

“Oh! I remember!”

“Sorry about that Anna, I was a little -” she waved her hands around her head and mouthed the word ‘crazy’.

“Yeah. So…where did you want to eat?” I asked, purposely changing the subject.

Amy’s brow shot up, “I get to pick?” I nodded and she squealed, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a real restaurant,” she grabbed my arm. “Can we go to Nick’s restaurant? I want to surprise him and he says there are some really good dishes there.”

Ten minutes later, Amy and I were making our way to the restaurant bar to wait for a table. Nick’s second job was bartending, “This is kind of funny,” I whispered to Amy after we climbed up onto bar stools. “One of Mike’s extra jobs was bartender.”

“Mike did teach both the boys how to make drinks,” Amy pointed out as she watched Nick on the opposite end of the bar with his back to us. “What do you think those girls are doing? Are they…?” She started to get up when one of the girls touched Nick’s arm and laughed.

“Amy!” I grabbed her arm. “Sit down; he’s just making drinks for them.”

“She touched my husband! I’m going to kill her!”

I shook my head, “Oh good Lord Amy! It’s not like he’s touching her, he’s working. She’s probably just -”

“A skanky whore who better get her hands off my man!” I tried to stop her from getting up. “I want to go home Anna, I not hungry anymore.”

I rolled my eyes and looked back at Nick who had brushed off the girl’s hand. “Hey barkeep!” I called out as Amy tried to ‘shush’ me. “A round of JD over here!”

Nick looked over his shoulder and laughed, ‘one moment,’ he mouthed before turning back to quickly finish the drinks for the girls. While he was doing that, Amy and I had a little argument, she said she was leaving and I told her she was walking if she left.

“Fine!” She snapped, “It’s not like I need to live in the bubble that my husband only works around men.”

I laughed, “Oh come on Amy, Nick -”

“A round of JD?” Nick cut in with a laugh. “I don’t think so,” he grabbed a couple glasses and poured us both a glass of water and added a lemon slice. “I was hoping I would see you two tonight,” he slipped the glasses towards us and then took Amy’s hand in his. “How is the hottest woman in the world tonight?”

Amy smiled and batted her lashes at him, “Well if you are on the menu…”

“Yeah,” I jumped up. “I’ll give you two a minute alone.” I wandered off.

I was in the middle of washing my hands when Amy came bouncing into the washroom. “He kissed me!” She gushed. “He came around the bar and sat with me after you left. We talked and then when he had to get back to work, he gave me a kiss and told me he loved me!” She squealed and I laughed. “What?” She looked at me. “Why is that funny?”

“I just remember you doing that a few years ago when Nick first told you he loved you, it’s just nice to see.” I turned from the mirror, “So you are ok with -”

“Oh yeah, I was just being silly, Nick love me, I know this.” She grabbed my arm. “Let’s go eat, I’m starving!”

Dinner with Amy was interesting to say the least. There were things that came out during our meal that I didn’t think I would ever talk to Amy about. It all started when she told me that she saw Josh the day before. “He seemed a little sad,” she told me. “Is everything ok with you two?”

I debated just telling her that things were fine but I was tired of that, I wanted to talk to someone about what happened with Josh, someone who didn’t have an interest in who I was with. “No,” I told her. “Everything isn’t fine.”

“What?” she almost dropped her fork. “What’s going on Anna?” She looked around, “Nick didn’t tell me that there was something…”

“Nick doesn’t know,” I told her. “No one does. Well,” I sighed, “Zack and Mary know but they don’t know why.” Over the next couple minutes, I spilt the entire story to an extremely shocked Amy. I ended up telling her everything from the beginning just because I didn’t know how much she knew about my relationship with Josh. When I got to the part where I went over to his place in the middle of the night after I had the dream, she stopped me.

“Why did you go to his place?” She asked, “Were you going to break up with him for Jordan?”

“No!” I exclaimed. “I just wanted to talk to him about what happened with Zack earlier. I wanted to talk to him and tell him that no matter what Zack told him, I loved him and I wanted to be with him.”

“That’s good though!” Amy said excitedly before realizing that I wasn’t happy. “But…? What happened? Why are you looking like that now and why was he looking like…oh no,” she gasped. “You guys broke up!”

I nodded sadly, “Yeah. He was going on and on about how much Jordan was better suited for me and that I should go to him. I didn’t understand why but then he told me about Tracy.”

“Tracy?” Amy frowned, “Who’s Tracy?”

“Tracy is the one night stand he had after we split up the first time -”

“Well that’s not a big deal, if you weren’t together.”

“She’s pregnant Amy. He slept with her and not she’s carrying his baby.”
Amy was quiet for the longest time, she would start to say something but stopped before the first sound was out of her mouth.

“Come on, what are you thinking Amy?”

She shrugged.

“You can be honest with me Amy, I need you to be. I blew it didn’t I? This is all my fault. My relationships always fail and I’m the reason why.” I shook my head in disgust. “Josh and I were doing good and then I kissed Jordan. We broke up, Josh slept -”

“Ok stop right there!” Amy held up her hands. “This isn’t your fault Anna. You and Josh were broken up, he was free to do what he wanted, and you didn’t make him have unprotected sex with some skanky whore.” I told her he said he wore a condom and she shook her head. “Well that’s not 100% either, just look at me! Nick and I were using condoms.”

“Oh,” I sighed. “It doesn’t matter now though, he made it very clear that the baby was his first priority and I didn’t even measure at all. He wanted to break up with me so I let him.”

“You didn’t want to break up?”

“No,” I shrugged. “What was I supposed to do? He was talking like it was the end of everything we had, I didn’t want to…”

“You didn’t want to what Anna?”

“I didn’t want him to be with me when he didn’t want to be,” I told her. “So I lied, I told him it that I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him and now…” I gestured helplessly.

“Now you have to act like it,” she finished for me. I nodded. “Oh Anna,” she sighed. “Why do you make things so complicated?”

“Because nothing is simple here Amy. I do love him but some thing always seems to come between us. I thought the worst of it was the kiss with Jordan but that was only the tip of the iceberg. Do you know everyone thinks that I should be with Jordan? And I don’t know anymore if I should or not.”

Amy closed her eyes and sighed, “Anna I don’t think that you should date Jordan.”

“Thank you,” I smiled. “You are the only one.”

She opened her eyes and looked at me, “No, you don’t understand. I don’t think you should date him until you’ve had a few other dates with other men. Jordan can’t be your rebound, it could hurt both of you.”

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said when I just sat there staring at her. “I've seen you with Josh, and I really don’t think that it would work in the long run, he’s got too much going on. He’s all over the place and he doesn’t make you laugh and smile like Jordan does. He makes you all sad and depressing, I don’t like it.”

I wasn’t sure what shocked me more, the fact that Amy would actually think Jordan and I should date or the fact that she seemed concerned about me.

“Jordan is seeing someone,” I pointed out.

Amy rolled her eyes, “Olivia,” she scoffed. “That girl has nothing on you. I honestly don’t know what Jordan sees in her, she’s a complete airhead. Everything is cute or adorable. Ekk,” she cringed.

“But he is making plans to go see her this year.”

“Yeah, I know, Nick told me. Tell me, do you see Jordan leaving here to live in California with some airhead when his daughter and the woman he’s been in love with is here? I don’t see it. He might go visit her but I’ll bet money that it doesn’t work out.”

I chuckled, “Ok,” I held out my hand. “How much do you want to bet?” Amy thought about it for a minute and then told me she’d bet me $1000 that it doesn’t work out. “Wow,” I pulled my hand back. “That’s a lot of money, why are you willing to risk it?”

She gave me a knowing smile. “I’m willing to risk it because you haven’t met her.” She explained further when I shot her a confused look. “Jordan had plenty of time to introduce her to you but each time he could’ve he made some excuse not too.”

“That doesn’t prove anything.”

“No?” Amy raised a brow. “You two have always gotten each others opinion on potential dates. I remember Jordan and you both turning down dates because the other didn’t approve. Where I sit, I think Jordan didn’t introduce Olivia to you because he knows she isn’t for him but he wants to you think he’s moving on.”

I told her she was crazy. She told me to prove her wrong. “Date,” she said. “Anyone at all, and I bet you Jordan won’t like it. Even more, I bet he forgets about Olivia and the trip in all of his brooding too.”

“I’m not playing that game Amy, I’m not about to do something stupid just to prove you wrong about Jordan.”

“Fine,” she shrugged and picked up her glass of water. “I don’t really want Jordan over my place moaning about the guys you date and how he could make you happy if you only gave him a chance.” She took a sip and smiled at me. “It gets old.”

A Personal Favour

Nick was in a panic when he called. He tried to butter me up by telling me how much he appreciates our friendship and how I’ve always been there for him whenever he needed me. It was so funny, I had to stop him.

“Ummm, Nick hon,” I chuckled. “You know it’s always a good idea to try the buttering up before telling me you need a favour, right?

“Sorry,” he replied. “I didn’t mean to come out with it like that, I meant to ask how you were and then -”

“It’s ok Nick. What’s up?”

“Anna, see it’s like this. I’ve been picking up all these extra shifts so I’ll have some extra money to take a few weeks off work when the baby comes.” Nick went on to tell me that he had picked up an extra shift at work for that evening, “Normally Amy’s parents would be at home with her while I work but when I called Amy just now, to tell her about my last minute shift, she told me that her parents were heading to a friend’s place for a party tonight.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah, I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal Anna but with Amy so close to popping, I don’t really want to leave her at home alone. I tried to get out of the shift but I…”

“You can’t really afford to give up the extra hours with the baby coming,” I finished for him.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Tonight is the best night to take the extra shift too being Friday and all.” I was quite for a while; I guess that made him worry a little. “Anna, I know it’s not what you planned on doing tonight and I wouldn’t ask you if I had another choice but I -”

“Nick,” I cut him off without really thinking about it. “Do you think that Amy would like to go out for dinner tonight? I feel like going out for dinner.”

“Amy would love that!” Nick exclaimed. “Not only does she get to spend time with you but she also gets out of the house.”

I laughed, “Are you sure she really wants to spend time with me Nick? We really aren’t that close.”

Nick chuckled, “Anna, Amy asked me if I would call you, to see if you were free.”

I couldn’t believe it and I told him that. He reassured me that it was Amy’s idea to call me and see if I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her. “Ok,” I told him. “I’ll take your wife out on the town, wine and dine her and then I’ll take her home and -”

“Hey now!” He cut in with a laugh. “None of that! She’s my wife, get your own!”

I just might end up having too, I thought as I told him that I would be delighted to spend the evening with Amy - I figured there was a reason she suggested me and I was hoping it had nothing to do with sleeping with Nick again.

After a quick shower, I ran upstairs to tell Mary that I wouldn’t be home for dinner. I was about to turn to leave when Mary called me back and asked me to sit for a moment. “Zack wanted to talk to you about this earlier,” she started. “But I guess he forgot or just didn’t wish to get into it because God forbid if your brother does wha -” she stopped short and sighed. “That’s neither here nor there. Zack called me and asked me to talk to you about this because he ‘forgot’.”

“Did I do something wrong? He didn’t change his mind, did he?” I asked, thinking that whatever it was Mary was rambling about had to do with the girls and our trip to the city.

“No, no,” Mary shook her head. “This has to do with tomorrow.” She paused, I frowned. “As you know your brother is having a party here tomorrow for Canada Day - BBQ, drinks, the whole shebang.” I nodded, Zack had a party for every occasion he could. “It seems that your brother is a little concerned about possible tension at the party tomorrow because…”

“Because what?” I played dumb. I was pretty certain that it had to do with Josh and me no longer seeing each other but I wanted to hear what she had to say.

“You know Anna,” Mary played with the tea towel she was using when I first walked into the kitchen. “You and Josh.”

“What about us?” I asked innocently.

“You are worse than your brother,” Mary told me before asking me if I would have a problem if Josh was at the party. “Zack has no problem calling him up and telling him he can’t come if it’s going to be a problem,” she jumped in before I could answer.

“Listen Mary,” I leaned forward and looked her dead in the eyes. “I have no problem seeing Josh, or talking to him or anything. I don’t mind if he’s here tomorrow or any other day for that matter. He’s Zack’s friend, they were friends before we got together and they shouldn’t let what happened between us get in the way.”

Mary took in everything I said, she sat there staring at me for the longest time before finally nodding. “That’s what I told Zack but he wanted to be sure.” She got up to head back to the sink but turned back half way. “I’m so happy that you are taking the break up better this time around Anna but I still worry that you may be putting on a brave face for…well, I don’t know who for, I guess I just want you to know I’m here if you need to talk about it.”

“I know Mary,” I got up and gave her a hug. “But right now, I’m doing ok.” She didn’t seem to believe me but she didn’t say anything besides telling me to have fun with Amy.

In a way I was dreading the visit to Nick’s, mainly because I didn’t know what Amy wanted with me, but for the most part I was looking forward to spending some time with her. I needed some time with someone who wasn’t a guy or related to me and who wasn’t afraid to tell me what they were thinking. Amy was prefect; she never bit her tongue at all when it came to me. We didn’t exactly have a love-hate relationship but we hadn’t always been on speaking terms either. Most of the time I think she tolerated me just because of my friendship with Nick.

I know Nick was the only reason I tolerated her for the longest time. I think it took seeing Nick being a nervous wreck, worrying about whether Amy would stand him up at the alter on their wedding day, for me to finally realize that she wasn’t going anywhere if he had anything to say about it. I’ll admit that we still had our differences but for the most part, we got along.

With that said, this was the first time I was actually going to be spending an extended period of time with her alone. I pulled up in front of her parents’ house and parked. I sat there for a moment, looking at the two story house and wondering how they could stand sharing such a tiny place with her parents. I tried to picture being married and expecting a baby while living at Zack’s but I couldn’t stop shaking my head long enough to get past being cramped in his space. It was then, more than ever, I wished I would’ve been able to help them out more before they moved from their apartment.

“Nick never would’ve let you,” I told myself. “Amy would’ve killed him if he did.” I gave the house one last look before I opened my door to get out. I was in awe of them; I didn’t think I could do what they were doing if I was in their position. Sure, I lived with my brother now but if I was married and with a baby? I think I would have some serious reservations. “Reservations?” I scoffed. “I’d be freaking out because life wasn’t going the way I planned it.”

Before I could make my way up the sidewalk, the front door opened and a belly poked its way out. A huge belly.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed, my eyes were glued on Amy’s belly, “What the hell did Nicky do to you?”

Getting Back To Family And Friends

Since Josh and I were no longer dating, I no longer had any plans for my two weeks of vacation but I decided that I wasn’t about to let that get me down.

The first day I spent with Zack and his ‘honey do’ list and that night I spent watching movies with my nieces, sort of a mini sleepover because we had lots of movies, snacks and we all crashed in the living room. I had so much fun with them. While they were sleeping I started to think how the last six months I had been so wrapped up in my own problems and work I didn’t really spend that much time with them as I normally did.

Things had happened that I didn’t even know, like…

Cassie and Ben were talking again. “I‘m not sure if I want to date him again Aunt Anna but I did miss him, even though he was a jerk.” I understood where she was coming from, I didn’t know if I liked that she was talking to him again but I told her that if she ever wanted to talk about him or anything else, I would be there.

Lindsay had a crush on the nerdy new guy who transferred a couple months before school ended. “He’s so cute Aunt Anna! You wouldn’t believe it! He’s tall and blonde and he says all these big words that no one knows - except me! I understand everything he says and oh! He smiled at me! He’s sooo dreamy Aunt Anna.” She sighed, “But he would never like me, I’m too plain and boring.”

“Well if he thinks that about you Lins then he really isn’t all that dreamy now. You are a smart and fun girl, don’t let anyone every tell you any different.” Cassie told me that she tried to tell Lindsay the same thing but she didn’t want to hear it. “Well too bad,” I turned back to Lins. “You’re a great girl and don’t forget it.”

Even Natalie had stuff going on that I didn’t know about! “I have a husband like mommy does Aunt Anna! His name is Mitch and he had cookies but he wouldn’t share because he said his mommy said he had to eat them all himself. I told him my mommy says that you are supposed to share and that she gives daddy cookies all the time!” I asked her how they ended up married and she gave me an exasperated look. “Hello! I’m the mommy and he’s the daddy so we can both have cookies!”

It was missing out on all of those events and other little things that brought me to the kitchen just after 6 the next morning as Mary and Zack were having breakfast together before Zack went to work. I peeked my head through the doorway, making sure that they weren’t groping each other like they normally do when they are alone. When I saw they were just sitting down at the table eating, I asked if I could talk to them for a minute.

While Zack said yes, Mary started to get up. “Did you want something to eat Anna? Some toast? Eggs? Bacon?”

“No, no Mary,” I took a seat across the table from her. “I just wanted to talk to you guys about maybe…” I paused because I wasn’t sure what I was saying, I just knew it wasn’t what I wanted to say.

Mary sat back down, glanced at Zack and then turned her worried stare my way. “Is everything ok Anna? Is this about Josh? Because I have to tell you that you -”

“No!” I shook my head. “I’m good with the way things ended with us. This is about the girls..”

“What about my girls?” Zack leaned forward more into the conversation now that I mentioned the girls.

“Nothing bad Zack, just relax. I just wanted to know if they had anything big planned for next week.”

“Ahh…?” Zack raised a brow as he turned towards Mary with a confused look on his face. “Do the girls…?” Mary shook her head and told him that the girls were free next week as far as she knew.

“Good!” I exclaimed with a smile. “So I was thinking - if it’s alright with you guys and the girls want too - maybe I could hang out with them a couple days next week, just the four of us. Maybe drive into the city, spent a night, shop, hang out at the mall and…” I trailed off with a shrug.

“Wait a minute,” Zack shook his head. “No, there’s no way you can take the girls to the city for a night…”

“Well,” I sighed. “I guess we can make it a day -”

“You have to take them for two nights, maybe three. Hell, a whole week works for me too.” He chuckled as he took a sip of his milk.

Mary rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Don’t listen to him Anna, it won’t be a problem if you wish to spend a night or two with the girls in the city.” Mary reached for Zack’s hand giving it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t you think it would be a good idea honey? The girls, a couple nights in the city with Anna…”

Zack’s brow shot up and he turned to her, “Not here? We’ll be alone? For a couple nights?” He looked hopefully.

Mary kissed his cheek, “That’s right honey. And if Anna doesn’t mind, I think Tuesday would be a good day to go and Thursday would be a good day to come home.”

“I’m off -”

“Exactly!” Mary winked at him.

“Oh.” He turned to me again. “Yes take the girls. The days Mary mentioned. I’ll be forever grateful.”

I laughed at them, they were so lame but cute at the same time. And as I watched them, I wondered why I couldn’t find that with the guys I dated. I wondered if maybe I was dating the wrong type. I almost asked Mary about that but then I remembered the last time I mentioned not dating the right guys, she set me up with a crazy guy she knew from her volunteer work with the town.

With Zack and Mary’s permission, I returned downstairs to tell the girls about the plan and they went wild! They all started talking at once, I couldn’t make out much of what they were saying but I was happy that they were excited about the trip.

“Hey Aunt Anna?” Natalie tugged on my hand as her sisters were talking about what stores they wanted to shop and what they wanted to buy. “Will we get to see Uncle Mike and Uncle Eric?” I told her I didn’t know if they would be home because they were supposed to be coming out here some time that week.

The girls and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking about our trip. We called Mike to see if he would be home and he told us he would love to have us visit. He even suggested that we all go out for dinner one night. We made plans for dinner and talked for a little about Nick and Amy, Jordan and Eric.

The moment I hung up from talking to him, my phone rang, it was Nick.
“I need you to do me a huge favour Anna!” He said the moment I said hello.

Facing The Devil

Before I could open the passenger side door, Josh was standing beside me with his hand over the handle like he was going to open it for me but he didn’t. “It’s a simple concept,” I said without looking at him. “You lift the handle and the door will open.”

“I know how the door works Anna,” his words came out soft and low.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

“Why should I?” I asked him. “Are you suddenly going to sprout horns to match the person you’ve become?”

“I’m not a bad guy,” he told me. “I made a mistake and I hurt you. I know you hate me Anna and to be honest, I don’t really blame you.”

“Stop it!” I snapped as I glared up at him. “You don’t get to be all apologetic and understanding here. It doesn’t change what you did.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t.” He opened the door for me and then asked me something I had been asking myself for the last couple minutes. “If you are so mad with me and don’t wish to see me, why did you call me? And why did you agree to go to Carol’s with me?”

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him. I mean really looked at him. He looked tired, which, if he spent the night tossing and turning like I did, made total sense. “Not everything has to revolve around you Josh.”

He frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Yeah, what did I mean? How does this not revolve around him? You could’ve easily told Chad that you two broke up and that’s why he was being a jerk and not letting Jess and Conner play together. But no, you had to call him and tell him to come over. Why?

“I don’t know,” I told him honestly. “I just…well…”

He closed the car door, “Look Anna just say whatever it is you are thinking. It’ll make you feel better if you do.”

“Ok,” I dropped my arms to my side and took a deep breath. “I think you are a class one jerk. What the hell are you thinking?” I swear he took a step back as I spoke. He didn’t look too happy and I didn’t care, I was upset and he did say to say what was on my mind. “It’s bad enough that you’ve screwed yourself over but do you really have to do it to everyone else? What makes you think you can mess around with everyone’s life like that? Who the hell do you think you are, God?”

He’s jaw had dropped open at some point in my little rant; I guess I surprised him a little but I wasn’t done. “You know it was bad enough that you tried to make me get rid of my best friend but to purposely destroy a friendship between two lonely little boys because you made the biggest mistake of you life? Where the hell do you get off?” I jabbed my finger into his chest. “I never thought you could be that cold and heartless. They are only four and three! They were really looking forward to tomorrow and you just had to go ruin that, didn’t you? Well buddy, I have news for you! I’m not going to let you!” I stood with my hands on my hips, glaring at him as I finished my little tirade.

Josh stared at me, unblinkingly, for what seemed like a good five minutes. And then he shook his head and chuckled. “You called me because you wanted to talk about Conner and Jesse?” I nodded and he snorted. “Of course you did, what the hell was I thinking? That you actually wanted to hear what went on? God, I’m such a fool!”

He turned away from me to rest his elbows on the roof of his car as he stared off into space. “I called Chad to tell him that Jess couldn’t play with Conner because I didn’t want Jesse to have to deal with the hatred your family would have for me because of what’s going on with the baby.”

“They don’t even know about the baby Josh.”

“What?” He looked at me. “You didn’t tell them why we broke up?”

I shook my head, “No, I didn’t even tell them that we broke up. They don’t know, and I would like to keep it that way for now.”

He turned to me, confusion written all over his face. “How…? What…?” He shook his head. “Why don’t you want them to know Anna? It’s not like they won’t put two and two together when they hear about the baby.”

“Yeah, the baby,” I muttered as I kicked at the ground. “You would tell everyone about that.”

“I’m not about to deny my child Anna!”

“Well if you could keep it in your pants, there wouldn’t be a baby!” I grumbled as I turned from him. “But no, you had to go spreading yourself around like it…” I sighed heavily. I needed to know. “Who is she?”

“You don’t know her,” he replied and I rolled my eyes and sighed again. “I’m serious Anna, you don’t. I only know her through work, she’s a coach for the girls’ team in River Valley.”

“Oh,” I wrapped my arms around myself. “So she has a lot of the same interests you do, with the teaching and the sports. That’s nice. I hope you are happy.”

He growled. “No Anna,” he came up behind me and wrapped his hands around my shoulders. “How can I be happy when she’s not the woman I imagined would be carrying my second child? Anna, I made a huge mistake four months ago and yes, I know that’s my fault but I never ever expected this.”

“Well,” I pulled out of his grasp. “Maybe you should’ve been a little more faithful or hey! Maybe use a freaking condom! Now there’s an idea!”

“I don’t have unprotected sex Anna!”

“Yeah right!” I scoffed. “The baby tells me otherwise.” I turned to him. “That and the fact that you’ve never used one with me!”

“You and I didn’t have sex Anna…”

“Oh really Josh? I swear all the experts -”

“We made love damn it!” He yelled at me. “What we did together was never sex, it was making love and I refuse to stand here and listen to you belittle the most beautiful moments in my life!”

That tugged on my heart strings, I closed my eyes to help get a handle on my emotions, I didn’t want to cry in front of him. “Could’ve have been all that beautiful,” I managed to say without my voice cracking too much.
“You threw it all away for what? A one night stand?”

“Anna…” Josh moved towards me.

“No,” I took a step back. “You can’t just say things like that and expect me to forget that you cheated on me Josh!”

“I …” He rubbed his face with his hand. “I didn’t think you would care.”

“You didn’t think…” I punched him in the chest. “How the hell could you think that? I loved you, you stupid jerk! Why wouldn’t I care if you were out boning some other chick?”

“It’s complicated,” he said.

“That’s not an answer,” I replied.

He leaned back against his car and motioned for me to come closer. I did so without thinking. “Anna,” he took my hands in his as he gazed into my eyes. “I was angry and I thought I lost you for good. I had to go out of town for work but all I wanted to do was stay home and drink away the image I had of you and Jordan on his bed.”

“Are you saying this is my fault Josh? Because if you are -” He leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips.

“No Anna, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’m the one who overreacted when I saw you two, I’m the one who went to the hotel bar that night and got pissed out of my tree and I’m the one who slept with Tracy because I was so damn stupid to think that it would make the hurting go away.” He paused for a moment to take a deep breath. “It didn’t help at all, if anything, it only made things worse.”

His fingers laced through mine as we stood under the warmth of the June sun. “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for what I did Anna, it’s too much to hope for. I just don’t want you to hate me for it.”

With another soft kiss to my lips, he released my hands. “I have to go pick up Jesse,” he told me. “I wish that we were picking him up together but I know that’s a lot to ask given the circumstances.” He went to turn away from me but stopped. “If you really think having Jesse play with Conner won’t be a problem for you, I will bring him over there tomorrow like your brother and I planned weeks ago.”

“I would never get in the way of their friendship Josh.”

He glanced at me and nodded. “I know Anna.” I watched him walk around the front of the car and open his door. He hesitated and looked up at me.

“I don’t hate you,” I told him and I meant it, I didn’t hate him. “I love you.” He raised a brow and I continued. “But I’m not in love with you, I can’t be, it isn’t right between us and I don’t believe it ever was.”

He lowered his head and closed his eyes for a fraction of a second before he looked at me again. “I understand,” he said quietly and then lowered his body into the driver’s seat.

I felt strangely at peace at I stood in the dust that stirred the moment he shifted his car into drive and rolled out of the driveway. I stood there for just a couple minutes before I realized that I wasn’t alone anymore. I turned to see Zack on the porch, leaning over the railing as he watched me.

“Care to talk about it?” He asked as I walked up the steps to join him.

“What’s to talk about?” I asked him. “Josh and I decided that it would be best for the both of us if we were just friends.”

His brow arched, showing his surprise. “Can I ask why?”

I smiled and shrugged, “He wouldn’t understand the smiley face chore on a ‘honey do’ list.”

Zack burst out laughing and threw his arm around my shoulders. “You’ll be ok, won’t you sis?” I hugged him and told him that I’d be fine as long as I have him and the rest of my family loving and supporting me.

Asking For Trouble

I didn’t realize what I was doing, how rashly I was acting, until the second ring sounded in my ear. I had just formed the thought that I should just hang up and forget about it. It’s not like this will be the first time Conner will lose a friend, I tried to tell myself but that didn’t seem to convince me. I didn’t want to be the reason my nephew lost his friend. I didn’t want my failed relationship to hurt anyone else.

Just when I thought that he wasn’t going to answer his cell I heard his hesitant ‘hello’.

“What are you doing?” I asked him without so much as a hello on my end. I didn’t want to waste time with pleasantries.

“Anna?” He sounded really surprised to hear my voice.

“Yeah,” I rolled my eyes. “What do you think you are doing?”

“I…umm well hon -” he sighed, stopping himself. “I’m on my way to pick up Jesse from Carol’s for the summer.” He paused and then threw in a hopeful, “did you want to come with me?”

“No,” I scoffed at his hopefulness. “Why the hell would I…” I turned to see Zack watching me curiously. Damn it! I didn’t want anyone to know what happened with Josh yet, not until I had all the answers I needed to understand it myself. With all the positive energy I could muster, I smiled at Zack and cheerfully told Josh that sounded good.

“What does?” He asked and needlessly added that he was confused. When I told him to swing by and pick me up shocked silence followed.

“Are you still there?” I asked a little impatiently.

“I think there’s something wrong with my hearing,” he told me. “I swear I just heard you say to pick you up but that’s not possible since you told me last -”

I shrugged, “Well if you don’t want too…”

“No!” He exclaimed. “I never said that! I just - well I’m surprised that’s all. I can be there in ten minutes, is that ok?”

I hung up the phone without giving him an answer, I didn’t even realize it until after I was down stairs cleaning up and changing out of my sweats so I didn’t look like crap when he saw me. It’s not like I care, I told myself. I just don’t want him to think that without him I’m a mess.

Ten minutes later, I made my way upstairs as Zack was in the process of inviting Josh in. “Don’t bother,” I mumbled as I walked towards them. “He’s not staying.” I ignored Zack’s raised brow and questioning look as I walked out into the bright sunshine.

On my way to Josh’s car, I couldn’t believe that I was doing this. Why did I make plans to see the man who I told, only a few hours ago, I didn’t want to see ever again?

Making It Through

I didn’t sleep very well after I got back from Josh’s place; not that I expected too. Sure, I was tried and drained from crying about the situation. I was angry he could do this to us and not realize how big a deal it was when he flipped over a simple kiss.

I’ll admit I tried to reason it away. I tried to come up excuses for his betrayal but I couldn’t. There didn’t seem to be a reason, or logic or anything. I didn’t care that he was drunk, it wasn’t an excuse, he still had to have some idea what he was doing.

It hurt, plain and simple. My heart literally ached when I thought about it. I thought we were happy, well as happy as we could be considering that we were trying to recover from what I thought was the biggest mistake either of us would make. I was wrong.

It was 2:30 in the afternoon on the last Friday in June, the first day of my vacation, and I was still in bed wishing that someone would stab a knife in my heart so the pain would go away.

Of course that wouldn’t have made anything better - I knew that - I just wanted to stop hurting because of guys who don’t care about me like they claimed. I started to think about the guys I went out with and almost started crying again when I realized that the last three guys I dated, cheated on me.

What the hell is wrong with me? I wondered. Did I piss off the goddess of love without realizing it? I rolled over onto my right side and sighed heavily. Well there are two of them, I reasoned. It’s totally possible I did something to annoy the Greek goddess Aphrodite or something to tick off the Roman goddess Venus. I shook my head, oh good lord! Now he has you over thinking goddesses of love!

I sighed again. Shifting my position, I went to stare off into space but my gaze focused on my bulletin board covered in pictures from my past; pictures of my life, my family and friends.

Jordan. My eyes narrowed as I stared at a picture of us on a winter’s day almost ten years before. This is all your… I sighed. I wanted so badly to blame him for this but I couldn’t. He didn’t make Josh cheat on me, no matter how much he claimed that Josh wasn’t the man for me, I knew in my heart that he wouldn’t set up something like that and hurt me. No, this was all Josh’s fault.

And mine for being stupid enough to think I was enough for him. Why did I think I could make him happy? Why did I think we were soul mates? Because he made me feel good? Because he was happy to see me after 5 years? Because he has the most adorable son? I groaned in agony. Oh Jesse!

Stop this! I screamed at myself. This isn’t going to help you at all, you went through all this before, it only led you to a near breakdown. You can’t go down that path again. You have to deal with this and start to move on. You are strong, you can do this and you have many people around you who love you and will help you in anyway they can. I looked back at my picture board, the smile that was forming melted away when I spotted Jordan’s smiling face. “Don’t think you’ve won,” I told his picture as I shoved the covers back and sat up in bed. “I’m stronger than that, I will not run to you. You will not have the chance to wrap me up in that web of confusion again. You are and will only ever be my best friend so suck it up Buttercup!”

I laughed at myself as I went around my room, gathering up my shower stuff. You know people would think you are crazy right now, right? I paused to glance in the mirror at myself. “Like I care,” I stuck out my tongue at me and headed for the shower.

About forty minutes later, I was feeling a little better, or at least that’s what I was telling myself as I ascended the stairs and turned down the quiet hallway to make my way to the kitchen for something to eat. I thought I was alone in the house so I was little surprised to see Zack standing at the counter waiting for the toaster to give up his toast.

“Hey,” he waved absently over his shoulder and gave a tiny cheer when his toast popped.

“Ok,” I laughed as I opened the fridge door. “You really need to get out more.”

We moved around the kitchen in relative silence as we went about making ourselves some thing to eat - toast with honey and peanut butter along with a glass of milk for Zack and grilled cheese sandwich with orange juice for me.

He had finished his first slice by the time I sat down. “Hey,” he took a sip of milk as he looked over the rim of his glass at me.

“I believe we covered that,” I flashed him a smile. “What’s on your mind Zack?”

It took him a few minutes which was very usual for him. But that wasn’t the thing that shocked me, it was what he said. “I’m sorry Anna.”

I dropped my fork, “what?”

“I said I was sorry.” I shot him a questioning look. “I shouldn't have said what I did to Josh last night, it wasn’t my place, no matter how much I think it is.”

“Oh,” I considered his apology for a moment but grinning knowingly. “Mary gave you crap for it, didn’t she?” He started to protest which made me laugh. “She did! You caught crap from your wife last night! And you are in the doghouse, aren’t you?”

“No,” he shook his head.

“Oh really?” He shrugged his shoulders as if to say ‘yeah really’. “Hmmm?” I reached across the table to grab the notepad paper that sat near his plate but he was too quick for me. I laughed at him. “I’m betting that’s not a love note from Mary.”

“Sure it is,” he glanced at the paper before turning it around to show me. “See? She wrote ‘honey’ up here and down here, she wrote…well,” he turned it back to him. “She left a list of reasons she loves me.”

I gave him a no nonsense look that I learnt from him and held out my hand. “I’m not sure you want to see all these reasons she loved me Anna, some really good stuff here.”

I laughed, “Like change the light in the laundry room?”

“Hey!” He glared at me. “It’s all a code, Mary loves codes.”

“Oh, and here I was going to offer my assistance in your light changing efforts.”

“Really?” He ripped the list in half and handed the bottom half to me. “You can start with those.”

I went back to my sandwich as I read my half of the list and said them out loud, “Mow the lawn, change the light bulb in the laundry room, clean the gutters…” I frowned. “Zack? What is the little smiley face chore?”

He stared at me. “Smiley face?” Dropping his toast, he grabbed for my half of the list, looked at it and grinned. “I’ll just take that one,” he ripped smiley face off and stuffed it in his pocket. “I told you she loved me.”

I watched Zack as smiled while he continued eating his toast. He looked so happy even though he was in the doghouse with Mary. “That’s what it’s supposed to be like isn’t it?” He gave me a questioning look. “Being in love,” I offered. “Even when Mary is upset, she still does little things that let you know she loves you.”

“It’s the little things that matter the most Anna. Yes, Mary is upset with me and yes, the list is her way to making sure I know she’s upset and I’ll do every thing on that list but not because she’s mad.”

“Then why do you do it?”

He shrugged, “Because I love to see her smile.”

“And she ‘rewards’ you for getting the chores done?”

“No!” He said forcefully. “I don’t care if she doesn’t even notice if I fix the squeak in the garage door or change a light bulb! That’s not what it’s all about Anna, it’s about working together to make our relationship the strongest it can be. So what if I have to do stuff I don’t really want to do, she does lots of stuff for me that she doesn’t want to do either. All that matters is that at the end of the day we look into each other’s eyes and still feel the way we did when we first met.”

“I’m sorry if I seemed to insinuate that there was something wrong with your relationship Zack.”

“No worries,” he shrugged it off. “You know all about the little things it takes to make love work.”

“How did you know Zack?”

“I know what?”

“That you were in love with Mary and she was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.”

“Mary told me I loved her and that I had to marry her or she wasn’t sticking around,he chuckled. “I liked having her around so I married her.”

We had a little laugh about that as we finished our food and started on the list Mary left for him. About an hour after we started the chores, the phone rang. “I’ll grab it,” Zack dropped the clothes he had in his hand from the laundry he was putting in the washer. I heard him in the other room as he answered the phone. I wasn’t really pay attention to what he was doing, I continued sorting the laundry for him, so he surprised me when he came back and handed me the phone without saying anything.

“Hello?” I gave him a questioning look as I spoke into the mouthpiece of the phone.

“Anna,” it was Chad. “What’s up with Josh? He just called me to say that Jesse wouldn’t be able to play with Conner tomorrow.”

“What reason did he give?” Was he drunk? I thought spitefully.

“He didn’t give one, he just told me Jess couldn’t play with Conner and said he had to go.” In the background I heard Conner’s sad voice asking Chad if Jesse was sick, if that was why he couldn’t play. “Can Aunt Anna make Jesse better daddy?”

“I’m not sure what’s going on Chad,” I had an idea but I hoped that Josh wasn’t going to be that much of a prick about this. “But I’m sure as hell going to find out. Conner and Jesse are friends and they were looking forward to tomorrow and it’ll happen.”

I hung up from talking with Chad and without stopping to take a breath, I dialled Josh’s cell phone number.

Where Will You Be At Night's End?

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would hear Josh say that. Sure, I knew he wasn’t Jordan’s biggest fan but to call him all those mean names? And to tell me to go to him? What the hell was he thinking? What the heck was going on with him? I hoped to gain some kind of insight by looking him in the eyes. It seemed that he was trying to avoid my gaze for a couple minutes but finally he looked straight at me.

“What are you still doing here?” He demanded. “Why don’t you just run along and be with him, you know he’s who you want.” He sighed; his shoulders slumped and turned his head away. “I could never be as important to you as he is.”

“Josh that’s not true!” I went to reach for him but he gripped my wrists, holding my hands inches away from his chest.

“Anna I know you want to love me, and you’ve tried so hard to do it too but you don’t, not really.” He brought my hands down to my sides, he didn’t let go of them though, he laced his fingers through mine. “We should just stop playing this game, why waste our time when we both know that it’s going to end horribly for us?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“What?” He dropped my hands before turning to look out over the moonlit lake. “Facing reality? That you are in love with your best friend and I would never be good enough!”

“That’s just crazy Josh! It’s you I’m with, it’s you that I can’t stop thinking about,” I went to him, grabbed his arm to get him to face me. “I don’t know why you think that I love Jordan, or why you think that we are going to end horribly but Josh, it’s not true! I love you! I’m wearing this -” I pulled out his grandmother’s jewellery, “because I love you. It’s a -” Josh looked down at the cross and ring, his face seemed to fall. “Josh what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry Anna,” he backed away from me. “I’m so sorry.” He wandered over to one of the many benches that dotted the trail we were on. “So sorry,” he mumbled as he dropped onto the bench with his head in his hands.

“What are you sorry about Josh?” I went over and sat down with him on the bench. He turned to me; he looked like he was going to say something but instead he wrapped his hand around my neck and pulled me to him. “Wha-” his lips came crashing down on mine. “Oh mmmmm…”

Our kiss was something I never experienced before. It wasn’t the bone melting kisses that he normally delivered, no, it was more of a desperate act than a romantic kiss.

I didn’t like it at all. I pressed my hands against his chest and attempted to move back to look up at him. He fought me, he held me to him when I tried to put some space between us.

When he stopped fighting me, I tried to gaze into his eyes but he wouldn’t have it; he lowered his head and whispered ‘sorry’ once again.

And then he added something new. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, I don’t even remember doing it but…” a strangled cry escaped his throat.

I couldn’t explain it but a sense of dread settled over me. This wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. I had planned on telling him about what Zack told me about both Jordan and him and telling him about the dream and what I think it meant but at that moment, it didn’t seem like it was all that important - something was seriously wrong and Josh was the only one who had the answers. “Didn’t mean for what to happen Josh? What don’t you remember?”

He took a deep breath, leaned back against the wooden back of the bench before slowly letting that breath out. He mumbled something.

“What? I didn’t get that.”

He dropped his head into his hands again. “I’m going to be a daddy again.”

I must’ve blinked a million times in rapid succession before I laughed out loud. “Funny Josh,” I shook my head. “Seriously, what did you say?”

“I am serious,” he turned to me with what seemed like pain reflecting in his eyes. “I found out tonight, after I came back from Zack’s.”

“No,” I shook my head again as if that would make what he was saying make sense. “That’s not possible, we…you…no!” Tears sprung to my eyes when he closed his eyes and told me that it was true, he was going to be a dad again. “But…how?” I stared at him. “We’ve been together for six months! Surely you would’ve known by now that…” my eyes widened as it hit me - he cheated on me!

“You hypocritical bastard!” I jumped off the bench. While towering over him, I gave him the deadliest look I’ve ever given anyone in my life. “All this time you were going on and on about how much I’ve hurt you when I kissed Jordan and you…” he looked up at me. I couldn’t say it “You bastard!”

He got off the bench to stand in front of me. “Anna I’m -”

“Don’t you dare!” I screamed as I pointed at him accusingly. “You’ve been ripping me apart with your injured soul bullshit and all this time you were screwing around behind my back?”

“No!” He reached for me but I slapped his hands away. “God Anna just listen to me, I can -”

“Josh, if the next words out of your mouth are, ‘I can explain’, I swear to God I’ll castrate you where you stand! You can’t explain sleeping with someone when you were making me suffer for one little kiss!” I was shaking, I wanted to beat him senseless but instead I stood there shaking with tears running down my cheeks. “How could you do this to me? To us?”

“I’m sorry,” he sounded sorry too. “I didn’t go out with the intention of sleeping with someone. It just happened…”

I scoffed.

“Well Anna it did! All I remember is waking up with the world’s worst hangover only to roll over and realize that the woman next to me wasn't you!”

“You were drunk?” He nodded. “So that’s all it takes for you to forget about the woman you supposedly love with all your heart and soul? A beer or two is enough to make you forget that you…” I sobbed as I felt the ring slip against my breasts. “It was enough to make you forget this?” I pulled out the ring again and held it as close as I could to his face. “Undying love, that’s what you promised when you gave them to me. You said I was the woman you were going to spend your life with but that’s…” I dropped the ring and started to slip my hands behind my neck.

“Anna what are you doing?” He asked quickly as he moved towards me, his hands jumping to where mine grasped the clasp of the chain that held everything I believe was true in our relationship. “No!” He tried to stop me, he pulled my hands from the clasp.

“Josh stop it!” I screamed at him. “Just stop it. They don’t mean anything now, they are just reminders of how stupid I was to believe that you truly loved me!”

“I do love you!” He exclaimed.

“No you don’t!” I told him. “If you did you wouldn’t have tried to get rid of me tonight like you did. Nor would you be expecting a baby with another woman.” I dug my nails into his hands, tearing into the flesh, until he pulled them from my neck and then with more speed than I thought possible with my hands shaking, I unclasped the chain and let it fall to the ground.

“Anna please just let me -”

“No,” I turned from him. “There is no way in hell I’m ever going to forgive you,” I told him. “I don’t ever want to see you again. I don’t want to hear from you or about you either.” And then, with the spite I was feeling I recalled words he spoke to me months ago, words that cut me to the bone. I glanced over my shoulder at him and I spoke those words, “If I could erase you from my mind, I would.”

I left him standing there that night but I hoped he would chase after me; he didn’t. I made it back to his place and into my car before the questions of his betrayal started to slam around in my head. I wasn’t sure if I was being too harsh with him, I just knew, in my heart, that there was no chance that Josh would ever be the man for me.

With zombie like motions, I started my car and pulled out into the road, not even looking back when I passed Josh as he walked up the sidewalk. I went home that night, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

Mid-Night Meeting

The drive into town, from Zack’s, normally takes about a half hour. At least it does when it’s not 3 in the morning. You would think that it would’ve been enough time to come up with some idea of how to say what I needed to say but it didn’t seem like enough. I didn’t know what I was going to say.

I was nervous. I knew I had to do this. I needed to talk to him about everything that was going on. I wanted to be completely honest with him because he deserved it. I hadn’t been that honest with him, in fact I hadn’t been completely honest with myself. I knew that, deep down.

I came to a stop in front of his place about twenty minutes after I left home. I thought I would have a minute or two to get the beating of my heart under control before I saw him but I didn’t. He was sitting out on the front steps in a white t-shirt and black shorts with his head in his hands.

“Hey,” I plopped down beside him, nudging him with my shoulder.

“Imagine running into you at this hour on your steps.”

He laughed, “Yeah, what are the odds of that happening?”

“Pretty good, I guess.” I smiled at him. “I did call you but…” I frowned. “Why are you sitting out here?”

“I fell asleep,” he said sheepishly. “After you called.”

“Oh,”

“Yeah, so I figured that I should get up. I went out on my couch and started to drift off again. I figured that it would be best to get out into the cool night.” He paused to look upwards for a moment as his hand slipped onto my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze before resting it there. “The stars are so bright tonight.”

“Yeah,” I sighed as I stared upwards with him. “Do you see either of the dippers?”

“Mmm,” he leaned in close to me, his hand lifted from my knee to slip it around my shoulders. “I believe that’s one there,” he said as he leaned into me, his breath drifted across my cheek as he pointed skywards. Then a second later his face was buried against the curve of my neck as he took a deep but shaky breath. “Oh God baby, you smell so good tonight.”

“Josh,” I grinned as I tilted my head to give him better access. “You are very intoxicating tonight as well honey.”

“You don’t think…” he nipped at my skin. “Do you want to go inside?” He gazed at me hopefully. “We could curl up together, cuddle….”

“I would love to Josh but -”

He groaned, “But that’s not why you came here tonight.” He slipped his arm from my shoulders and sighed, “You want to talk.”

I wanted to tell him that I wanted to run upstairs with him and crawl into bed but he was right, I did need to talk. “Maybe we could go for a walk?”
He took a moment. “Sure,” he said finally as he stood up. “Let’s go for a walk,” he held out hand to me.

We headed down towards the lake near his apartment building. On our way down, he tucked my hand into the crook of his arm. We walked along the paved path for a good ten minutes, neither one of us spoke, we just walked arm in arm along the path.

“So?” He turned to me when we approached the lookout. “What’s on your mind honey?”

I was having second thoughts, I didn’t know if this was really what I needed to do. Sure, I wanted to talk about it but now that I had the chance, I wasn’t sure what it was that I wanted to say.

“Does this have something to do with why I wanted to talk to your brother tonight?” He lifted my chin upwards. “I’m sure he told you want I asked him.”

I nodded. “Yes, he did. He told me that you asked him for his permission to marry me?” I shot him a questioning look as he dropped his hand. "Why would you do that Josh? I thought we were trying to work through our issues.”

“We were - are! We are,” he sighed. “I guess I just wanted things to go faster than they were going. I thought that it would be one thing out of the way when we finally worked through everything. I mean -” he ran a hand through his hair. “I thought he would…well…”

“Well what?” My hands found their way to his waist on their own; my fingers curled around his shirt as I stood in front of him.

“I thought that he was my friend, I thought that he was on our side. I thought he wanted us to be happy but apparently I was wrong.”

“Because he told you that he didn’t think we were ready for marriage right now?” I asked him. “You think that Zack is against us because he knows we are having problems and he wants us to work through them before he take the next step?”

“No Anna,” Josh pushed my hands away. “He’s against us because I’m not the 24 year old green eyed jerk who keeps interfering in our relationship!”

“Zack doesn’t-”

“Don’t!” Josh turned from me and pressed his hands against the railing.

“Josh come on,” I went to him, stood beside him, my hip rested against the railing at his hand. “You know that’s not true, Zack doesn’t -”

“He does Anna.”

“No,” I shook my head.

“Yes,” Josh looked at me. “He does. He told me so tonight.” I stared up at him in disbelief. “Yeah sweetheart, your oh so sweet brother told me that he didn’t think I was right for you, that that little prick was more of your type.”

“Josh,” I gasped. “What the heck? What’s with all the…anger?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m sick and tired of all this crap Anna.”

“What?” I took a step back, there was something in his eyes that scared me. “What are you saying Josh?”

“I’m saying,” he grabbed me by the shoulders and stared into my eyes. “I’m sick and tired of being played for a fool. I hear the whispers, I see the looks. And tonight your brother was nice enough to spell it out. No one thinks that I’m worthy of their precious little angel!” He shoved me away. “Well I’m sick of it! I’m done with this crap! If you want that little bastard, have at him!”

Controlling My Life

I didn’t know what to do. Normally when things are confusing for me, I go to one of two people - Zack or Jordan - to talk things through. I couldn’t go to either one of them, for obvious reasons. Zack would tell me to give Jordan a chance and Jordan, well he would be all for giving him a chance too.

But I didn’t want to give him a chance, he had plenty of opportunity from the time he realized that he had deeper feelings for me until I started dating Josh to tell me he wanted a chance to see how things would be with us. Maybe then I would’ve given him that chance.

Maybe.

All I knew that night was there was no way I was going to give up what I had with Josh. It didn’t matter that things weren’t perfect between us at the moment. All that mattered to me was that we honestly tried to make things work - despite all the outside opinions that we couldn’t last.
We could and we would.

I went to bed that night determined that no one was going to get between Josh and me.

Dreams started almost the second after I closed my eyes. I dreamt of Josh, being in his arms on a front porch swing, watching Jesse run around with a puppy in the green grass that so badly needed a cut. We seemed happy. I felt love surround me - maybe it was his arms around me but whatever it was, I was happy and content.

“The grass needs to be cut,” I told him. “Soon you won’t be able to see them playing in the yard.”

“Hmmm, I’ll do it tomorrow,” he promised. “Right now, I just want to be with you.” He paused, squeezed me tight as Jesse and the puppy came running up to the porch. “It’s always a perfect day when I have my girls with me.”

I lifted my head off his chest. “Such sweet words,” I laughed. “But honey I know you can be anything but sweet.” I leaned forward and slipped my hands under tiny arms as I lifted Jenna up and plopped her on his lap. “Your daddy is trying to be a ‘gentleman’ again.”

“Daddy,” she giggled as we both looked up at Jordan.

“See? Even Jenna thinks it’s funny.”

“Ha ha,” he brushed my forehead with his lips. “I’ll show you just how gentlemanly I can be later Babe.” He gave me a look that melted my insides. “Much later.”

“Ama! Doggy’s tongue tickles!” I look down to see Doggy - yes, that’s what Jesse called his puppy - licking Jesse’s hand.

“He wants to play Jess,” Josh’s baritone breaks through the giggles his little boy makes as Doggy licks his hand. “Why don’t you take his tug rope and…”

“Ok Daddy!” Jesse slipped off Josh’s lap and onto the porch where Doggy took that chance to leap all over him. Jesse collapsed into a fit of laughter as his daddy wrapped himself around me.

“This is probably the most perfect moment in our lives honey.”

“No, Anna. This moment could be more perfect.” I asked him how. “We could be joined forever. We could…” he unwrapped himself from me and slipped to the floor before me. “Anna I’ve loved you all my life,” Jordan’s green eyes stared deep into my soul. “I denied it for so long, I’ve tried to hide what I truly felt but I can’t any longer. I love you, I need you, I want…” he pulled a dark blue ring box from his pocket and opened it for me. “I want to make you as happy as you’ve made me.”

Jordan smiled up at me, “Please Babe. Marry me?” The same moment, I saw and heard Josh where Jordan was, “I love you Beautiful, please marry me.”

“NO!” I shouted out as I sat upright in bed. “No, no, no, no, no!” My heart was beating frantically, I thought it would just leap from my chest. It freaked me out, to see Josh and Jordan morph from one to the other in my dream. For Jesse and Jenna to be interchangeable like that. It was scary. But that’s how it was, my dream, it was telling me that I was confused and I didn’t know what I was doing. It was telling me that I cared for both of them and I loved both of them.

Just who was the man for me?

That was one thing that the dream wasn’t about to tell me.

Why are you even thinking about this? You know who you want to be with. This dream was only your mind’s way of dealing with all the stress and confusion that they are creating for you. It’s time you stopped being confused and set your foot down.

I rolled over in my bed and stared at the clock on my bedside table. 3:20. Then my gaze shifted to my phone. I picked it up and without thinking about it, I flipped it open and dialled very familiar seven digit number. One that I could dial in my sleep if need be.

It would take four rings before I started to feel a little silly about calling and I little worried that he wasn’t home or that he wasn’t about to answer the phone to talk to me. “Or maybe he’s sleeping, it is -”

“Hello?” His gruff voice came over the phone in the middle of my little freak out.

“I need to come see you, right now. Is that ok?”

It took a moment for him to respond. I don’t believe it was that he was hesitating but just still shaking himself from the deep sleep that I pulled him from. “It’s ok Anna, you know you can come over whenever you like.”

“Good, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

With that I flipped my phone closed and pushed back the covers. It was time to start taking control over what as going on in my personal life.