Tired Of It All

I stared at him, his words running around in my head, “You don’t know if you can do this? You’ve got to be kidding me!” I jumped off his lap. “I have to deal with your psychotic ex wife, who has been physically violent towards me twice now and you can’t even…” I shook my head and backed away. “Fine, do whatever the hell you want.” Spinning around, I grabbed my jacket and ran for the door, swinging it opened.

“Anna, come back here. That’s not what I meant!” He called after me but I was already down halfway down the first flight of stairs. I heard his footsteps on the stairs, heard him calling out to me but I ignored him and let the outer door of the apartment building slam shut behind me.

I tried not to look in the rear view mirror as I drove away but I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to know how far he would chase me. Without a jacket or shoes on, he had followed me out of the building; he stood in the middle of the street, after having run up half the block. As I turned the corner I saw him kick at the loose snow on the road before running back into his building.

My cell phone rang constantly as I drove, I knew who it was but I didn’t answer it. I was mad at him, mad because he didn’t think I was worth working for. Mad because he didn’t even want to try. I knew if I stuck around his place much longer we’d get into a full blown argument, and I didn’t want to fight with him. But I did want to rip a strip of someone, so I went home. Jordan deserves it more than anyone else right now.

It was after midnight by the time I had gotten home, all the lights in the house were off, so I knew Jordan was probably sleeping and I didn’t care. Entering the house I made as much noise as possible, slamming anything I passed just for the hell of it. I walked into my room, slammed the door. I opened up my closet doors and slammed them. After I pulled a sweat shirt out of my dresser drawer, I slammed that too.

I went to the bathroom (slammed the door) to get ready for bed. Finally I heard his door open. Glancing in the mirror one last time, I asked myself if I was really ready to dismember him; hell yeah, was the response I got, so I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.

Jordan was leaning against the wall across from the bathroom. Yawning, he rubbed his eyes before he looked up at me. “Are you going to slam that one too?” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. “I take it you aren’t happy. What did lover boy do now?”

“Josh?” I laughed, shaking my head. “You think this is all because of him? Are you really that stupid? Did you think I wouldn’t find out that you’ve been stabbing me in the back every chance you got?”

“Whoa, wait a minute.” He pushed himself off the wall and took a step closer to me. “I would never stab you in the back.”
“No?” I jabbed my finger in his chest. “Then why the hell did you tell him that I spent last night in your bed? Why would you make it seem like it was something totally different than it really was?”

“You told me you were going to tell him, so I just asked him if you did. It’s not my fault he assumed that something happened.”

“Jordan you are so full of shit. You knew exactly what he would think, and you didn’t even attempt to tell him otherwise.” I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t, he just shrugged his shoulders. “So what is your excuse for not telling me he was divorced?” Up until the moment I had asked him that, I had hoped that Zach was wrong, that Jordan really didn’t hear it but his reaction confirmed that he knew. I could feel my hand ball up into a fist, before I could think about it I drew back and nailed him right on the jaw; his head snapped back, the unexpected blow made him lose his balance and he fell back against the wall.

“How long were you going to let me beat myself up over that?” I stood over him, screaming. “You keep saying you don’t want to lose me, yet you do everything you can to ensure that’s what will happen.” Rubbing his jaw, he glared up at me. “Right now, I don’t even want to be your friend anymore.”

His face fell when I said that, “You’d throw away our friendship over that bastard?” He struggled to his feet.

I shook my head, “No, I’d walk away from a friendship that’s been proven to mean nothing to you.” Turning, I went to go to my room but he grabbed my arm.

“If he wasn’t around, none of this would’ve happened.”

“You’re right Jordan,” I pulled my arm out of his grasp. “If Josh wasn’t around, you wouldn’t have given me that bullshit about wanting to be more than a friend.” He started to say something but I stopped him. “No Jordan, don’t try to deny to it. I know you better than that.”

He laughed, “Oh really? Why would I lie about something like that?”

“Why?” It was my turn to give a little chuckle. “I’m safe; you know I’ll always be around. But I will not be your fall back girl. Not now, not ever!”

Whatever words Jordan was going to utter at that moment were cut off by the doorbell. We both looked at each other and then back out towards the kitchen as the doorbell rang again and the pounding began. “I believe that’s for you.” Jordan turned and went into his room, slamming his door behind him.

I made my way to the door, ready to scream out for him to get lost, when I heard Jesse crying. Jogging the last couple steps to the door, I yanked it open. The sudden disappearance of the door surprised Josh, who had raised his hand to pound on it again. “Hey.” He said but I wasn’t looking at him, my attention was on the crying bundle of blankets in his arms. Reaching out with one hand, I pulled the blankets apart enough to see Jesse’s scared face. “Ama?” He cried out in sleepy confusion.

Grabbing Jesse from Josh, I hugged him close, whispering comforting words against his ear as I went back inside the house. Jesse’s cries slowly turned into soft sobs as I made my way to the spare bedroom. Holding him in one arm, I tugged on the blankets of the spare bed, trying to pull them down but I couldn’t get them to cooperate. Not wanting to put Jess down, I glanced over my shoulder where Josh stood in the doorway of the room. At first he didn’t move, he was watching me with his son; when I cleared my throat, he shook his head and come over to help.

“It’ll be ok,” I whispered to Jess as I lowered him down on the bed. His little arms remained around my neck as I tried to move away. “Jess?” I stared down into his eyes and saw that he was still a little scared. “Oh honey,” I whispered, kissing his forehead as I slipped into bed next to him. I held tight to him, and what was probably every blanket that was on his bed, as he started to drift off to sleep.

“Daddy?” Jesse jumped up, taking one arm from around my neck as he looked around for Josh. When his dad took his hand, Jesse asked him to join us. Hesitating only for a brief moment, Josh soon joined us on the bed. Lying behind Jess, he wrapped his arms around his son and hugged him; his arm rested just below mine, the slight touch made me yearn to have his arms around me. My heart ached as I laid there only a foot or so away from him, I avoided looking at him because I knew if I did, I would threw all my worries out the window and ask him to come to bed with me.

When I finally felt that Jess was deep enough asleep that my leaving wouldn’t wake him, I left the room and returned to the kitchen with Josh close behind me. “What the hell did you do? Grab him from his bed and scare the living crap out of him?”

He nodded, “What did you want me to do? You wouldn’t stop and talk to me; I couldn’t leave him home alone!”

“So you yanked him from his sleep to take him out in the freezing cold?” I stared at him in disbelief. “Why the hell would you do that to him?”

“I didn’t want him to wake up in the morning, feeling either bit as empty as I did when I watched you drive away.” He reached for me, “Honey we need to talk.”

Stepping out of his reach, I shook my head. “I’m tired and I’m going to bed.” He looked down at me and I could tell that he was about to ask if he could join me but he didn’t say anything. Sighing, I turned away from him, “Don’t wake Jess when you go to bed.”