It's a Long Way Down

Josh snapped my cell phone closed. I stared at the back of the couch, waiting for him to say something, anything. He didn’t say anything, in fact he didn’t move for a good five minutes. When he finally did move, he placed my phone on the table, turned out the lights and walked out of the living room. I sat up on the couch and my heart sank as I heard him close the door to his room.

Sitting in the dark, tears streamed down my face and I didn’t know what to do. Do I try to talk to him? Do I pretend I know nothing? Or do I just leave? Thoughts continued to run through my head as I lay back on the couch, I should go and kill Jordan, that’s what I should do! How dare he lie to Josh like that? Who the hell does he think he is? I punched the cushion; does he think I won’t find out?

Screaming silently, I had enough of my thoughts. I got off the couch and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I decided that I was going to go and talk to Josh and then if that went well I wouldn’t kill Jordan when I saw him again, I’ll just beat him to a bloody pulp.

With one hand on the light switch, I opened the door and jumped, Josh was standing just outside the door, leaning against the wall. “Hey, you scared me.” I tried to sound cheerful but I ended up sounding fake.

Josh didn’t smile; hell he was barely looking at me. “Umm Anna,” he ran his hand through his hair; a gesture I was starting to think showed when he was uncomfortable or nervous. “I was thinking that maybe you staying over tonight wouldn’t be such a good idea with Jesse here.”

You bastard, I thought, you aren’t even going to talk about it, let me explain? “Oh,” I said staring straight at him, my jaw was clenched but he wouldn’t have known because he still wasn’t looking at me.

“Yeah, so…” his voice trialed off, he glanced up at me and then quickly looked away.

I shook my head, I wanted to say so many things but I didn’t know where to start or if I should start. “Fine,” I snapped and went to the living room to grab my phone and jacket. When I turned around he was still leaning against the wall, still not looking at me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and most importantly I wanted to slap him. But I didn’t. Instead I threw, “You know, if you were man enough you’d ask me about it instead of assuming I fucked him,” over my shoulder as I walked towards the door.

Unlocking the dead bolt, I tried to hold back my tears, don’t cry in front of him. I reached for the door knob, turned it and pulled on the door but it wouldn’t open. Frowning I looked at the lock, it was open. What the hell?

“Not asking as nothing to do with me being man enough or not.” Josh hissed. Looking over my shoulder, I saw he was right behind me, his hand on the top of the door, holding it shut.

“No?” I scoffed, “I guess not. It means you’re chicken and probably don’t really care about me after all. I’m just glad I found out now before I totally lost my heart to you.” I yanked on the door again, but he still held it close.

“I’m chicken? I’m not the one throwing insults over my shoulder. Why don’t you be an adult and face me?” He moved back, no longer leaning against the door.

I was tempted to say ‘screw you’ and leave. Instead I spun around and faced him. “You told me to leave, and now you are telling me to grow up and stay? Make up your friggin mind.”

He raised a brow, “Such language. Is it possible to have a sensible conversation with you?” He stood back, looking down his nose at me.

I crossed my arms and glared at him, “Maybe if you stop trying to get in my pants long enough, you’d know.”

The muscle in his jaw twitched, “You think that’s all I wanted from you?”

Sighing, I looked away. “No, I don’t think that.”

“You just wanted to hurt me then?” He snorted, “Well congratulations, you succeeded.” He turned and made his way to the couch. Sitting down, he held his head in his hands. “Anna, I don’t know what you expect of me.”

As I watched him, I began to feel bad for everything that I had said to him, I was taking my anger towards Jordan out on him and I knew that wasn’t right. Sighing, I slipped off my jacket. When I reached him, instead of sitting on the couch next to him, I sunk to my knees on the floor in front of him. “Josh,” I lifted my hands to his and entwined his fingers with mine. “I don’t want to hurt you, I honestly don’t.”

He kissed the back of one of my hands, “I don’t want to hurt you either but I did.” He lifted his eyes to mine, there was such sadness in them; just staring into them made me hurt inside knowing that I was the one who caused it. “I’m scared Anna,” his voice cracked as he whispered those words.

“Of what?” I asked; I didn’t know what else to say.

He tugged on my arms, “Come up here.” I got off my knees and went to sit next to him but he pulled me onto his lap, sideways. “I’m judging you without proof just because I was screwed over in the past.” He rested his chin on my shoulder, “I’m sorry honey.”

I kissed his forehead, “I’m not her Josh.”

“I know,” he gave a small chuckle. “You could never be that much of a bitch.” His lips brushed against my neck as he wrapped his arms around me tight. “What really happened with Jordan last night?”

“Nothing,” I replied. He looked at me for a moment and then he smiled, “ok.” But I could tell he wasn’t satisfied with that answer. I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, “After I got off the phone with you, I went to the bathroom. He came out of his room, gave me a dirty look and then went back in. Jordan and I have been fighting a lot more than normal lately,”

I paused as he looked away; I raised my hand to his cheek and turned his face back to me. “Do you want to hear what I have to say?” He nodded, so I continued. “I went to see what his problem was and he told me to ‘get lost’. I didn’t like that so I barged in his room; well he met me at the door and got mad at me for not leaving him alone. Finally I said, ‘screw you’ and went to leave, he snapped back ‘I wish you would’ and made some comment about guessing he’s known me too long for that to happen.” Josh’s jaw clenched at that, “Yeah I wasn’t too happy about that, so I slapped him and said something, I don’t remember what.”

“He apologized and changed the subject, asked me if I was going to see you today, I told him I was and asked him if he’d ever known me to be such a chicken.” I laughed, “He then reminded me about a play that we did with Nick for our parents on Thanksgiving where I dressed up like a chicken instead of a turkey because I thought saying ‘gobble, gobble’ was silly.” Josh chuckled at that.

“It was just like old times then, we were laying on his bed talking, and we used to do that all the time. Hell, I don’t remember a time when Jordan and I didn’t lay in bed and talk about the stuff going on in our lives.” I shrugged, “I didn’t think anything of it, we were joking about something, and I leaned in and kissed him like I’ve done a million times in the past.”

Josh ran a hand through his hair and gave me a halfhearted smile, “Was that it?”

“Well, kinda. I mean, he did kiss me back and tried to move over me but I stopped him, told him I couldn’t do that. He seemed fine with it, and we started talking about Nick, Amy and the baby. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is waking up with him.” I sighed, “We didn’t do anything, I swear.”

Josh tilted his head, his lips rested against my shoulder as he processed what I had just told him. “It’s hard Anna, it’s really hard.”

“What’s hard?” I frowned, thinking that this wasn’t good.

He kissed my shoulder, “It’s hard to get used to you having a guy friend like that. To know that you spend time in his arms, in his bed and you don’t even think it’s a big deal.”

I bit my lip to stop it from trembling, “Josh, what are you saying?”

Sighing, he lifted his head and gazed at me, “Honey, I don’t know if I can do this.”