Blurring The Lines

My relationship with Jordan??

I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation just by the way he worded that sentence. I could feel myself getting prepared to defend my friendship with Jordan; it wouldn’t be the first time that someone had a problem with it. Most times was someone that we don’t really know who tried to cause problems between the person that one of us was seeing at the time.

My eyes followed Josh as he moved over to one corner of his room. In that corner he had a recliner, which he sat in and next to the recliner was a 6 foot shelf loaded with all different kinds of books. I leaned against the wall and waited for him to say what was on his mind. He looked up at me with a frown on his face. “I won’t bite you know.” He chuckled as he held out his hand to me, “At least not too hard.”

Smiling, I walked over to him, took his hand in mine and settled on his lap. His arms wrapped themselves around me once I was comfortable. Maybe it won’t be so bad, I thought as I relaxed against his body. “What did you want to talk about?” He leaned forward, his mouth pressed against my shoulder but he didn’t say anything. “Is everything ok?” I asked as I looked down at him.

His eyes flicked up to me and he kissed my shoulder. “I’m just trying to figure out how to say what I’m thinking without making you mad.”

“Oh,” I didn’t really want to be the first one to start the conversation about Jordan but I had a feeling it would be best if I was the one who did. “Last night,” I started and then chuckled. “It seems like it was a lot longer than that. But anyway, last night before I stormed out of here you said that you didn’t think you could do this, what did you mean?”

“I don’t understand how you can spend the night in his bed and not think it’s a big deal.”

I blinked, is that his answer? “I don’t think it’s a big deal because I’ve been doing it all my life. It’s not like we were naked or anything, there was nothing sexual about it.”

“That’s your attempt at an explanation? You’ve always done it so I shouldn’t have a problem with it?” Josh shook his head, “It doesn’t matter if you always done it or you say that there was nothing sexual about it. Damn it Anna the guy told you he loved you and he tried to keep us apart, doesn’t that matter at all?”

“Josh,” I pulled out of his arms and turned towards him. “Jordan doesn’t love me and no it doesn’t matter to me that he thought he did because I know that I wasn’t about to do anything with him.”

“No? So kissing him, holding him and sleeping in his arms is not crossing a friendship line with you?”

“When it comes to Jordy, no it’s not.” I could feel my cheeks start to burn, a sign that I was really angry. I knew as I said those words that Josh wouldn’t like it but it was true, when it comes to Jordan the boundaries were blurred.

Josh stared at me, “Do you realize how stupid that sounds?”

“Don’t call me stupid.” I hissed through clenched teeth.

“I didn’t call you stupid; I said that what you said sounded stupid.”

I glared at him, “And since I thought it and said it, I must be stupid. Thanks a lot.” I jumped of his lap, fighting back tears that wanted to spill and stood in front of him. “I know you don’t understand it but he’s my friend, my best friend. He’s been there for me through all the ups and downs in my life. And he’s going to continue to be there for the rest of them too.” My voice cracked as I said that, I was thinking about how Jordan was there for me when my parents died. He was the only one who treated me the same as when they were alive, he still wanted to play with me, he still told me stupid jokes and chased me around the yard trying to tackle me to the ground to tickle me senseless. He didn’t drown me in pity, or expect me to talk to him about my parent’s death; he just told me that he would be there for me when I was ready.

Josh pushed himself out of the recliner and came to stand in front of me. “So I have to put up and shut up if I want to be in your life? I have to be ok with you spending nights with him when I want you to be here with me? I should get used to him getting all the same treatment as I would as your boyfriend just because he’s been in your life forever?”

I wiped away a tear that slid down my cheek but another soon followed. “He doesn’t get the same treatment as you do as my boyfriend.”

Josh raised his brow, “No? Then tell me what he doesn’t get that I do.”

“Me!” I sobbed; my hand was on my chest as I stared up into his eyes. “He doesn’t get me.” I turned away from him; I didn’t want him to see me crying which was silly because he already saw that I was.

Josh came up behind me, his arms slid around my waist, “Honey I’m sorry.”

“No!” I tore from his arms and spun around to face him again. “I know that it’s hard to understand, you aren’t the only one who’s ever had a problem with how close Jordan and I are. The last time it was an issue, Jordan was the one who got hurt.”

Josh opened his mouth to say something but I continued. “Please don’t ask me to choose between you and him.”

“Anna,” Josh sighed as he roughly ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want you to have to choose, I may be the one who ends up losing if you had too.”

“Josh,” If there was ever a moment when I wanted to kiss his, this was it and I couldn’t explain why. He didn’t say anything that makes you go, ‘ohhh he loves me so’ but as I stood there and watched him, I wanted to push him down on the bed beside us and show him how much he meant to me. Why is he looking at me like that? He was staring at me, like he was waiting for something. I asked him what was wrong.

“I thought you were going to say something about choosing between us.”

“Josh,” I couldn’t get the image of me kneeling over him on the bed out of my head. I shook my head. “I can’t choose between the two of you because he’s my friend and you are my boyfriend. They aren’t the same at all and to have to choose one over the other would leave me without a friend or without the man I love.”

Josh took a moment to think about that and then sighed, “I know it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to do that. But Anna, I can’t just shut up and deal with it. It really bothers me.”

“Maybe if you got to know Jordan a little better?” I asked hopefully.

Josh shook his head, “I don’t have a problem with Jordan. I have a problem with the touching, kissing and sleeping together.”

I sighed, we didn’t seem to really be getting anywhere with this. “Josh, I don’t know what-”

He grabbed my shoulders and stared into my eyes, “Damn it Anna, just stop!”

I flinched, “Stop what?”

“Stop everything.” He released me and his hands fell to his sides. “Stop being more than a friend to him."