Though My Dreams, It’s Never Quite As It Seems

I wish I could say I slept great that night but that would be a lie. Hell even saying I slept at all would be a lie; I spent most of the night, tossing and turning. When I did manage to fall asleep I was plagued by horrific dreams of being left all alone as the walls began to close in on me. Trying in vain to call out to someone to help me, all I could hear was, “How does empty feel to you?” as it echoed off the moving walls.

I woke up in a cold sweat, lying on my back paralyzed by fear, all I could move was my eyes. I told myself it was just a dream, that Josh would never leave me to die like that but that did little to calm my fear. My eyes started to drift shut again, I knew I had to fight it because if I didn’t, I’d have that same dream all over again and I couldn’t bear to hear him say those words.

Jumping out of bed, I threw on my robe and went out in the hall. I stood before the closed door of the spare bedroom, wishing that I was on the other side. Resting my forehead against the door, I imagined myself walking into the room and slipping into bed next to him. Closing my eyes, my hand pressed against the wooden door as if the door had morphed into Josh’s back. I pictured him waking slightly when I touched him, turning to face me as he reached out to hold me in his strong arms. My heart clenched as I wished I could feel his warm body next to mine; holding me, protecting me, loving me.

My hand slid down the door, my fingers grasping the door knob, I was about to open the door when a noise from behind startled me. Jumping slightly, I turned my head in time to see Jordan coming from his room. At first he didn’t see me as he headed for the bathroom but midway through the bathroom doorway he paused and looked back over his shoulder. He watched me for a while, his eyes occasionally flicking towards the closed door in front of me. “Are you ok?” He asked finally as a little yawn snuck up on him.

My forehead still against the door, I shook my head, my body started to shake as I started to sob. He was at my side in a flash, pulling me back from the door and hugging me tight. “Want to tell me about it?”

Shaking my head, I gave a little snort. “Why? So you can twist it around and use it against me?” I pushed away from him. “No thanks Jordan. I don’t feel I can trust you right now.”

He stood with his head bowed, starting at his hands, and then he nodded. “I deserve that,” he said in a sad, hushed voice. “Ummm,” he glanced towards the closed door behind me and then to me. “I’ll leave you to it, I guess.” When he moved towards the bathroom again, I swear I saw the glimmer of wetness in his eyes. No, I scoffed, Jordan doesn’t cry, he doesn’t even tear up. It had to be something else.

Lifting my hand to the closed door again, I sighed and headed back to my cold, lonely bed.

Morning came way too soon for my liking; I had no desire to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep away the day, hide from anything terrible that I might find out. I know it was cowardly of me to feel that way but the drama as taken it’s toll, I felt worn out, beaten down and kicked around. I didn’t know if I could handle anymore of anything; I knew I had some decisions to make and they needed to be made today.

I was laying there feeling sorry for myself, when I heard the sound of small feet running towards my door. I perked up and sat up, waiting for Jesse to come in or call out for me to let him in; at the moment, he was probably the only guy in my house who wouldn’t say something that might hurt me. That’s funny; he should have been at the door by now. I got out of bed and tiptoed to the door, pressing my ear against it as I heard voices.

“Daddy, I want see Ama!” It sounded like Jesse was struggling, was Josh holding him back from seeing me?

“Jesse,” Josh’s voice was low as he tried to reason with his son. “Let’s give Anna a few more minutes to sleep before we wake her up.”

“Daddy,” Jesse whined.

“Man, if I were you, I’d let the kid go in.” I frowned as I heard Jordan’s voice.

“Why? So she’d get mad at me? You’d just love that, wouldn’t you?” I flinched at Josh’s tone, but I didn’t disagree with what he said.

Jordan sighed, “Don’t be stupid. For some crazy reason, Anna wants you but somehow you screwed up and pissed her off. If I know one thing about that woman in there, that one thing is that she can’t stay mad when kids are around.” He laughed snidely. “So I guess that means the kid is your trump card, use him.”

“Why you…” Josh’s voice trailed off, all I could hear was Jesse screaming ‘Daddy’ just before a loud thud.

Swinging the door opened, I was afraid of what I’d see. My eyes fell on Jesse first; he was standing right in front of my door. Mister Bear laid in a heap at his feet for his tiny hands were over his mouth as he stared straight ahead in shock. Following his gaze, I gasped. “Josh!” I moved Jesse into my room and partly closed the door before I crossed the hall where Josh, who had grabbed Jordan by the shirt, held him up against the wall. “What the hell is going on here? Let go of him!” I stared at Josh, his features were tense. “Now!” I demanded.

Josh’s gaze flicked from Jordan to me, it took a moment for him to realize he was looking at me. His whole body seemed to relax and he let go of Jordan. “Sorry,” he mumbled, looking over his shoulder to my door where Jesse was peeking out through the crack.

“Well?” I glanced back and forth between Josh and Jordan. “What’s going on here?”
Jordan gave himself a little shake. “Your boyfriend is just as crazy as his ex, that’s what’s going on here!”

Slowly Josh turned his head back from Jesse; he glared at Jordan before looking down at me. “My son is not a trump card,” was all he said.

The tension was so thick between the two of them; they were both waiting for me to say something. I held my head in my hand and I shook my head, I knew that nothing I could say would change what had just happened between them. Is it too much to ask that they get along? I lifted my head and slowly let out a deep breath, “I-”

“I a two card, right daddy?” We all turned in unison and stared at Jess. Holding Mister Bear with his right arm, he held up two fingers. “Daddy?” He looked at me. “Ama?”

Somewhere between the questioning lift of his tiny brow and the confused look on his face, I lost it. Laughing and crying at the same time, I sunk to my knees in front of him, pulling him into my arms, I held him tight and whispered, “You’re the best, don’t ever change.”