On The Spot

Lily has been working at my store since it was opened, almost 6 years ago now; she started out as a cashier. It would only take her a few months to slip into the role of CSM when one of our CSM’s at the time was injured in a car accident. After a couple years with the store, she applied for department manager and after being passed over twice, she was finally given the chance to show her stuff. Since that moment, she’s been the department manager of the Infants department where I am most of the time.

If I ever had a problem or concern about something in Infants, she was always willing to listen and together we would find a solution. I respect Lily - we were pretty close while working, I would even call her a friend and I know she thinks of me as one of hers - so when I came in and she was still there, I was really worried that something bad was going to happened, or already did. I don’t think I’ve ever dropped my stuff in the staffroom as quickly in my life as I did that day.

Lily was standing in the horseshoe when I made my way to the floor, she was copying a customer order from the scrape piece of paper she wrote it on, to the ‘special order’ book we keep so everyone who works in Infants can know what we are waiting on, especially the overnight crew who are the first ones to see the product come onto the sales floor.

I was very nervous when I approached her, “Hey Lily.”

She glanced over her shoulder for a brief second, “Just a moment, I have to finish this before I forget.” She turned back to the book, continuing to fill out the form we use. I wasn’t sure what I should do, which was unusual for me, I always had a game plan when I started my shift but Lily’s presence threw me off. I didn’t want to stand around because I felt like a moron so I stepped to the side and started to ‘zone’ the bath products on the end cap next to the horseshoe.

“Ok,” Lily snapped the book, and binder that held the book, closed before turning to me. “I suppose you are wondering why I’m still here?”

I nodded, turning towards her. “Yeah, it’s not like you to be here this late, is everything ok?”

“Oh yes,” she said with a smile. “Everything is great! I just wanted to talk to you before I left today.” She glanced around, seeing there was no one around, she motioned for me to come into the horseshoe with her. Once we were both standing in the small space, leaning up against opposite shelves, she started to speak. “I wanted to tell you this before the rumor mill got hold of it,” she paused and then with a million dollar smile on her face, she exclaimed, “I’m moving on up!”

This statement confused me, I didn’t really know what she was talking about, my first thought was she was moving out of town but when I mentioned that, she shook her head. “No, I found out today that I got the Assistant Manager position I applied for!” She watched me, waiting for a reaction.

I felt my heart drop.

“What?” She frowned, “Anna what’s wrong?”

How do I tell her that I didn’t want her to leave? That working in Infants without her would suck more than anything I could even think of.

“Anna?”

I hated that I wasn’t reaction like she thought I would.

“Are you going to say anything?”

I shook my head to try and clear it, to hopefully shake something positive out of it. “That’s great…” I wasn’t really sure though.

“Come on Anna,” Lily laughed. “This is a great opportunity for me!” She pushed off the shelf she was leaning against and grabbed my arm. “Just think,” she said as she stood beside me, her arm linked through mine while she waved her hand through the air in front of us. “Me, out there, one of the Assistants, actually having more of a say in how things are run. Anna!” She spun around to face me, “Those ideas we talked about for so long, ways to improve the shopping experience for customers, we can probably do them now! We’ll have a voice of sorts.”

I laughed, “That’s great. I am happy for you Lily; I know that you’ve wanted to move up for a while now. I just…”

“You just what? Is something wrong?”

“No,” I shook my head, chuckling at how selfish I was being, I was just thinking about me, and how this change would affect me. “It’s silly,” I told her. “I couldn’t help but feel disappointed that you were leaving me.”

“I’m not leaving you Anna, I’m still going to be in this store, I’ll just be in a different role.”

“I know,” I smiled. “I guess I’m worried about who they’ll give this department too; you know how well I handle change and getting use to working with new people.”

“Yes, I know,” she chuckled. “But that’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What is? Who they are going to put in here?” She nodded, smiling. “You know who they are thinking about?”

Again she nodded, “Yes but it depends on if that person applies for the job when it’s posted.”

“No,” I groaned, “They aren’t seriously thinking about putting a newbie department manager in here?” I didn’t wait for her to reply. “That’s crazy Lily, this department is demanding, if you don’t have a handle on what you are doing in the beginning, all hell will break loose!”

“I know.”

I sighed.

“Do you want me to tell you who they want to be the new Infant Department Manager when I leave for my Assistant Manager training?”

Groaning, I turned my head to the side and closed my eyes, “Go ahead, tell me the bad news.”

Lily laughed, “You!” She exclaimed, grabbing my arm as she squealed like a school girl instead of the 34 year old woman that she was. “While I was in the meeting with Ian (store manager) about my upcoming training, he told me that he had been watching you for the last couple weeks and he wanted to know if I thought you would be able to handle the role of department manager.” She paused to take a breath, she was talking that fast. “I told him without a doubt! I had every reason to believe that you would excel as department manager.”

“So?” She stared at me. “What do you think? Will you apply for the job when it’s posted?”

I was so shocked, I opened my mouth to speak but all I did was squeak.

Did I want the stress and responsibility of being in charge?

He Saw The Sign

I was crossing the parking lot, heading to work after stopping into Tim Horton’s to grab something for my lunch break. I was running late, Heather was working the register when I went in there and she just kept on talking to me long after she had taken my order.

A couple months ago it would’ve been weird for Heather to speak to me but since Jordan found out about Jenna and had taken a real interest in being her daddy, Heather has soften a little towards me.

Or maybe she just wanted to flash the very expensive looking engagement ring in my face as she exclaimed, “Hank asked me to marry him!!”

Either way, I wasn’t really in a hurry to head to work, I wanted to know exactly how he proposed and when the wedding was going to be – I wasn’t expecting to get invited or anything, I was just curious, her excitement was infectious.

“I don’t know,” she said in a rush. “I wasn’t expecting this at all! We had talked about possibly getting married one day but I didn’t think it would happen this soon, I didn’t think we could afford something like this either.” She waved her hand in front of my face again and sighed happily. “It’s amazing isn’t it?”

Taking her hand, I held it steady so I could take a good look at the ring. “It’s beautiful,” I told her as I admired the heart shaped diamond surround by smaller diamonds and blue sapphires set in the band of the ring. It wasn’t what I would personally pick out but it was very pretty.

“It is,” she beamed at me. “I still can’t believe he got me something as amazing as this! I didn’t even think he was listening when I hinted to what I would like, ring wise! Eehee!” She squealed. “I’m so happy right now!”

I offered her my congratulations and then asked her about the sapphires. “I haven’t seen many engagement rings that have any other gems besides diamonds, was there a special reason for that?”

Heather nodded her head slowly, “It’s my birthstone,” she told me. “Hank knows how much I love jewelry with sapphires and he said when he saw this ring, he knew it was the ‘one’ for me.” She paused long enough to gaze at the ring on her finger, “He said seeing this ring was the sign he was looking for.”

“He was looking for a sign?”

“Yes,” she smiled. “Hank admitted that he was afraid to ask me to marry him, even though he wanted too, because he wasn’t sure it was the right time. I guess he was worried that it was too soon or something,” she laughed. “We’ve been together for two years!”

Heather’s co worker had finished making my sandwich at that point and handed it across the top of the glass enclosure to me. “Well, I should probably be going,” I said to Heather.

“Oh wait,” she turned away from the counter and walked towards the back. I wasn’t sure what she was doing and I was kind of wishing she would hurry because I was already late for work.

A couple minutes later she returned to the counter and held out a small stiff sheet of paper. “My parents are throwing Hank and I a small engagement party, I would like it if you could come.”

“Heather I –”

“You could bring Josh!” She said quickly and then added, “Jordan said he would be there and Nick said if Amy didn’t burst before the party, they would be there.”

“Oh,” I didn’t know what to say to that, I didn’t expect any of us to be invited. I promised her that I would check if I was working that day and make sure Josh didn’t have any plans for us either. “Congratulations once again,” I said as I turned towards the door. “Tell Hank he made a great choice.”

“You can tell him yourself at the party!” Heather called after me before turning to the customer that just walked up to the counter.

As quickly as I could, I walked pass the strip mall in the far left hand corner of the parking lot that it shared with Wal-Mart. I hated being late, it didn’t happen all that much, I always tried to be on the floor at least five minutes before my shift was supposed to start, but still, I hated it.

Walking fast as I could, without running, I made my way through the familiar sliding doors, down the same aisles I always took to the back of the store. Normally I would give Infants a quick glance to see how busy it was but I didn’t take the time as I made a beeline for the swinging doors that lead to the back room.

“Anna!”

An unexpected voice stopped me in my tracks.

“Lily?” I was confused for a few moments, I glanced at my watch, it was 4:10. “What are you doing here still?” In my confused state, I started to walk towards her, wondering if something was wrong.

“I’ll tell you after you clock in and are floor ready,” she said over her shoulder as she turned to answer a customer question.

“Ok,” I said but she wasn’t paying attention to me any longer.

As I walked to the staff room, I wondered what could possibly have kept Lily here pass the end of her shift. I couldn’t help but get the sinking feeling that something was wrong.

Feelings...Talking About Feelings

“Does she know that?”

I didn’t want Carol to be an issue between us, I had no desire to spend any time wondering if she thought that he would take her back now that she was single again, that’s why I asked that question. I could tell that Josh was surprised by it and I really didn’t blame him, I know that’s not the question I would’ve expected if I had just told him the story he told me.

It took a moment for him to respond, the confusion clear in his eyes. “Does she know what?” He asked slowly as if he was still trying to make sense of the question.

“Does she know that you aren’t interested in starting things over again with her?” I know it my insecurities doing the talking but I needed to be sure, Carol did try to make it seem like Josh was still with her when I first met her.

“Of course,” he exclaimed. “Carol knows how I feel about you,” he paused for a second and then added, “And she knows how I feel about her.” When I raised a brow in his direction he sighed. “I guess I should tell you…”

I frowned, “Tell me what?”

He started to shift in the chair, “Well,” he was now down enough to stare straight into my eyes comfortably. “When we were separated, just after my mom had the heart attack, Carol called me to see how she was doing, we didn’t talk for long because I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone so she told me she’d call me later that week to see how mom was doing.”

“Oh,” I looked away from him, for some reason hearing that he talked to her, even just a little when he wasn’t talking to me, hurt. You are being crazy, I lectured myself but it did little to help the jealous feeling inside.

I felt his fingers against my chin as he eased my head back in his direction. “Anna,” his eyes held mine, he seemed to be looking for something and must have found it because he continued. “Carol didn’t call me later that week; I guess she figured that there was no point in calling when she would see me when she dropped Jess off.” Josh went on to tell me that by the time Friday had rolled around that week, he was dead tired. “I looked like crap, I hadn’t slept in forever; I wasn’t really looking after myself. The first thing Carol said when I opened the door was ‘what the hell happened to you?’” He chuckled, shaking his head. “I tried to tell her that I was fine, she didn’t believe me, she thought it had something to do with mom but when I told her that mom was ok considering, she wanted to know what was going on.”

“I told her it was a rough week and tried to get her to leave but she told me that she wasn’t going to leave Jess with me when I couldn’t even look after myself.” Josh stopped, frowned and shook his head. “I don’t even know how it got from that to me sitting at my table rambling on and on about you – things you did, things you said, the way you made me feel whenever you smiled at me…” His lips turned up in a smile when he said that. “I heard myself telling her that you made me feel things I didn’t even know I could feel.” He laughed, “I still can’t believe I did that.”

His arms tightened around me as he kind of got lost in his thoughts. “Josh?” I gently stroked his side as I called his name.

“Mmm?” He smiled down at me.

“What did she say to that?”

“Wha – oh!” He shrugged, “She didn’t say much, I didn’t let her say anything, I went on to tell her that I loved you and missed you.”

I froze, “You told her what happened with Jordan?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I didn’t tell her why we weren’t together, I just said that we were working through some stuff, she seemed alright with that explanation.”

I thought about that for a couple minutes, I didn’t really know what to think honestly. I was happy that he was honest about how he felt about me but I wasn’t sure I liked it at the same time. Maybe it was the fact that he was talking to Carol about me that make me a little uncomfortable. “So you told her you loved me?” He nodded. “And what did she say to that?”

“I kept rambling,” he said with a laugh. “I was just blurting stuff out without even thinking about how I was saying it or what I was saying. I ended up telling her that I thought I loved her once but since I met you, I realized that it wasn’t love at all.”

“Ouch,” I bit my lip. “She didn’t like that at all I bet.”

“Actually, she told me that she knew what I was talking about.”

“Really?” I was shocked.

“Yes,” he nodded. “She said that she noticed changes in me since you came into my life, she told me that before you, there was no way that we could’ve had the conversation we were having. And she was right, I was so angry with her for what she did that it didn’t matter what was said, it would be a big issue between us.”

“But Josh –”

“Anna I know,” he cut me off. “Carol wasn’t perfect and the tension between the two of us since she left me is as much her fault as it is mine but…” he sighed. “Honey I’ve been a little bit of a jerk too. I’ve done things or said them just to piss her off or to make her see how stupid I thought she was for what she did. I couldn’t help it!” He exclaimed, “I felt so betrayed, I didn’t think I deserved to be cheated on and I held on to that feeling longer than I should have because you know what?” He paused, waiting until I shook my head before he continued. “We weren’t right for each other; we both knew it but neither one of us made the move to end it. We were making each other miserable and sure, it would’ve been nice if she didn’t cheat on me but she did and things ended with us like it should’ve years before that moment.”

Josh groaned as he rubbed his left hand over his face. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I didn’t mean to go off like that.”

“That’s ok,” I gave him a hug, how could it not be ok? He has sat through me going off more times than I could even count. “I can be your sounding board as easily as you are mine.”

With a chuckle Josh pulled me into his arms and kissed me. “I love you so much Anna.”

The rest of the evening at his parents’ place flew by and soon it was time to leave to bring Jess back to Carol’s house. It was heartbreaking to watch Josh have to say good bye to Jesse that night, he wanted Josh to stay with him but of course Josh couldn’t. It took a while for Jesse to calm down enough so that Josh could talk to him. I’m not sure what he promised Jesse in order for us to leave without too many more tears being shed but whatever it was it seemed to work wonders.

“Love you Daddy,” Jesse said as he gave Josh a kiss on the lips. “I see you Friday!”

In His Kiss

For the first part of the evening, Josh and I spent time together. We moved around the various different ‘groups’ that were scattered throughout the yard, saying hello to everyone and engaging in small talk for a few minutes. I thought that we would finish with everyone and then have nothing to do until supper was ready but it was strange, even though we didn’t spend too much time talking to one particular ‘group’, time flew by so fast.

Supper was awesome. I love BBQs, there’s just something about food that’s been prepared outside over a grill that just gets my taste buds hopping. I made a pig of myself! By the time they were cleaning up the dishes to bring out desert, I was ready to roll myself off into a corner.

“I ate way too much,” I whispered to Josh when he handed me a plate with the cheesecake. “I don’t think I can eat that.”

Josh leaned closer to me, “Want me to get you a smaller piece?” He asked in hushed tones. “Grandma gets a little offended when people don’t have a piece.” He was nervously biting his lower lip as he told me this, it was probably one of the first times I’ve seen him do that.

Moving my chair closer to his, I smiled up at him, my fingers brushing over the back of his hand. “Do you think we could share this piece?” I batted my eyelashes at him. “It would intimate and it shouldn’t often your grandma.”

“Mmm,” Josh grinned as he slipped his arm around the back of my chair. “That sounds like a wonderful idea.”

Josh moved the plate closer to us, picked up his fork and sunk its prongs into the blueberry top, down through the creamy center to the graham cracker crust; my mouth was watering just watching him.

When he lifted his fork from the plate, he came towards my mouth, not his. Arching a brow in surprise, my eyes slide to his as my lips parted slightly. “That’s right,” he said softly. “Open your mouth for me.”

I knew what he meant but for some reason his words took on a whole other meaning as his fork neared my lips. “Close your eyes,” he whispered. I hesitated for a second. “Please?” I did as he asked.

I felt a little silly as I sat there with my eyes closed and my mouth opened, I wondered if he would even give me the piece of cheesecake or if he would eat it himself and tell me to get y own and while I really didn’t think he would play a joke, the though crossed my mind for a brief moment.

The longer I sat there with my eyes closed, the more ‘lost’ in the moment I became. All the sounds of dinner with his family, all their voices kind of disappeared and all I was aware off was the sound of my heart beating, the gentle breeze on my face and him – his scent, his closeness, everything about him.

Josh’s arm slipped out from around my chair, I almost opened my eyes but before I could, his fingers were on my face, softly caressing my cheek. I turned my head in the direction of his hand, my lips brushed against his palm; I smiled when he took a deep breath. A smile that was soon replaced, momentarily, by a frown when his fingers fell away from my face; the smile was back again when I felt him brush a strand of hair back from my face.

The tip of the prongs of the fork touched my bottom lip; I opened my mouth to receive the mouth watering morsel of pure delight that he offered me. When my lips closed around the fork, I opened my eyes to gaze at the man before me; his eyes were focused on my lips which gave me the time to study his handsome features. I knew I loved him. Every time I looked at him, my heart would jump a little in my chest, it would be like this first moment we met all over again – the nervous excitement, the pure attraction, the desire to know everything I could about him – and it ever got old.

He tugged softly on the fork, drawing it back until the prongs were free of my lips. That’s when he finally raised his eyes to mine. “Hey,” just that one little word sounded oh-so-sexy in his husky tone. “You opened your eyes.” I nodded, flashing him a smile. “So?” He glanced away for a second to drag another piece of cheesecake away from the plate. “Is it as good as you hoped?”

Closing my eyes, I savored the flavor that had engulfed my taste buds for longer than really necessary. When the cheesecake was gone, I opened my eyes. “It was the best cheesecake I’ve ever had.”

Josh grinned and slipped the piece he had waiting on his fork, into his mouth.

“The way you were enjoying it, I say you think it was better than sex!”

The entire world came back into focus, I was now aware of Josh’s family and where we were. And most of all I was very aware of the amused look on Robbie’s face as he moved back into his seat after interrupting our moment. He didn’t say it all that loud, no one seemed to hear but Josh and I, but still I felt my cheeks start to burn as they grew red with embarrassment. Josh ignored what Robbie said, he lifted his fork to my lips with another piece on it – I took it but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t as ‘hot’.

Dinner ended, Josh excused himself to head into the house to help his brothers and sisters with clean up so I was left to my own devices. While most everyone else went back to what they were doing before dinner, Jesse decided that he wanted to get up with me instead of run around with his cousins. “Let’s go over there,” I pointed to one of the handmade lawn chairs that were empty a little to the right of the house; I didn’t notice until I got closer that they were very similar to the ones at Mark’s, Josh would tell me later that they were all made by his father a couple years ago.

Jesse and I were sitting in the lawn chair; he was on sideways my lap with his head resting against my chest while he watched his cousins playing. “Are you sure you don’t want to go play?”

“Jesse otay Ama.”

“Ok,” I smiled, kissed the top of his head and relaxed against the chair.

I’m not sure if I fell asleep or if I was just off in my own little world, all I know is that I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on around me; I didn’t notice when Josh came over to us and asked if he could sit with us. It would take a couple times and him squatting down next to me before I responded, according to him.

When I moved to let Josh sit with us, Jess decided that he wanted to go play so Josh helped him down before joining me. “He’s having so much fun,” I said after Josh got comfortable and I snuggled up next to him. “It’s hard to believe that he didn’t want to come here!”

Josh chuckled, “Jesse just wanted to play.”

“I know,” I glanced up at him. “I don’t know how you managed to stay calm.”

“I guess it’s what I’m used too,” he shrugged. “My parents only yelled at us as a last resort.”

“Oh,” I turned my attention back to Jess, not saying anything else.

“What are you thinking?” Josh asked after a couple minutes of silence. “Do you think I handled Jess wrong?”

“No,” I looked up at him. “I just…”

“You just what?”

“It’s silly,” I told him.

“I don’t care,” he replied.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out before I spoke again. “It’s just that I don’t think I could do that, be as calm as you were.” Josh asked why and I chuckled, “You know as well as I do that I tend to overreact.”

Josh laughed, “Really? I never noticed.” I poked him in the ribs and he laughed harder. “Honey I know you react strongly to a lot of stuff but I know that by the end of the day, you’ll calm down and we can talk about what happened…”

When he trailed off, I realized that he was about to bring up the kiss with Carol. “Do you really want to talk about that right now?” He nodded; I looked around his parents’ backyard. Even though I was ‘cool’ about it earlier, I was still a little worried what he would tell me but he was right, we did need to talk about it. “Ok,” I turned my attention to him. “Let’s talk about it.”

I listened, I mean really listened as he spoke. I didn’t cut in, I didn’t let my attention wander, I stayed focused on him. He told me Friday after school he drove to Carol’s to pick up Jesse because it was easier for him to do that than to have Carol get both boys ready, drive the half hour to his place to drop Jess off and then drive all the way back.

“If it wasn’t around the time that Niles would normally be down for a nap, it wouldn’t be a big deal, she would drop Jess off but...” he glanced down at me. “I guess I kind of felt bad that she would have to disrupt his sleeping when I could easily pick Jess up.”

“When I got to Carol’s house, I knocked a couple times and rang the door bell but there wasn’t any answer,” Josh went on to say. “I tried the door; it was unlocked so I went in.” He paused, as if he was expecting me to say something but I didn’t. “Umm, so I went in and I couldn’t believe what I saw. The place was a mess; there was toys and stuff thrown everywhere! I’ve never seen Carol’s place that messy before, she was always such a clean freak. I called out, there was no answer but I did hear Jesse running around and talking and I heard Niles crying, it sounded like it was upstairs, so I headed up there.”

He hesitated, frowned and then continued. “As I walked upstairs, I heard Carol asking Jess to be quiet because she was trying to get Niles back to sleep but Jesse kept running and talking loudly, asking her when I was going to get there because he wanted to go.”

“Carol told him that I would be arriving soon and suggested that they go downstairs and wait since it didn’t look like Niles was going to sleep again.” Josh stopped and sighed, “Will you please say something?”

“I’m trying to get all the facts before I say anything,” I told him. “I don’t want to misunderstand anything.”

Josh gazed down at me for a moment. “Ok,” he sighed. “I’m just used to you asking questions when I tell you something.”

I smiled which made him smile a little. “Ok,” he rubbed his temple and continued. “Jesse started acting like he did this morning, he didn’t want to go downstairs, he wanted Carol to carry him, he hated the baby, mommy was mean, and mommy didn’t love him. Carol sounded like she was losing her patience with him, she had told him that she loved him but she couldn’t carry him and Niles at the same time but Jess continued, adding ‘daddy love Jesse, Ama love Jesse. Ama marry daddy. Ama be Jesse mommy’.”

That was the one time I spoke, I gasped, “Oh no!”

“Yeah,” Josh groaned. “I pushed open the bedroom door to try to get a handle on the situation before it got out of hand but it was too late. Jesse was telling Carol that you would be a better mommy than her because you weren’t mean and you loved him. Carol lost it, she just started to bawl with made Niles cry even harder and Jesse, having spotted me, ran over and asked me if we could go because he wanted to see you.”

“I told him he had to apologize to Carol for what he said and tell her that he really didn’t mean it but he kept saying ‘no’ and Carol was telling me it was fine, to take Jess and have a good time.”

Josh shifted in the chair, “I couldn’t do it Anna. I couldn’t leave her like that. I felt bad. She was a mess, the house was a mess, Jesse wasn’t being nice and Niles was crying. I wanted to help her because I felt bad for her.”

“I went over to where she was, I didn’t know what to do, I remember thinking that if I calmed Jess and Niles down, it would be ok. Once I went over to Carol, Jesse went too telling her he was sorry. When I picked Niles up out of her arms, Jesse climbed up and was talking to her but I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, I was staring down at Niles, who wasn’t crying so hard now. I was staring down at him and I started to think, ‘one day this could be you’.”

I gave him a questioning look.

“I know,” he said. “It sounds stupid but as I held Niles, I couldn’t help but think that one day I’ll come home to find you in the same position, maybe not the same reason, but crying from sheer frustration when Jesse is a handful and our baby is crying his head off.”

“I know,” he repeated. “That’s such a long way off, we aren’t having a baby yet but when we do, one day that could be you.”

Ok, I lied, I spoke once again. “What does this have to do with the kiss Josh? Did you think Carol was me? Is that what you are going to tell me?”

“No,” Josh shook his head. “There is no way in hell I could ever get the two of you mixed up! You are nothing like her! I was just telling you what I was thinking at the time. I didn’t think she was you but she did something that you would do, she came over to stand by me, and said something like, you are good at that, or you are a good dad. Then she started to cry again and told me that she didn’t think she could do this anymore. She confessed that she wasn’t eating or sleeping anymore and that she was feeling more and more depressed every single day. She told me that she didn’t think she could handle being a mom to Niles without Phil around to help her like he did when Jess was a baby; she told me that she missed him so much.” Josh looked down at me. “In all the time that I’ve known Carol, she’s never been that vulnerable and I just wanted to cheer her up.”

And I spoke again. “So you kissed her?”

“No, I hugged her and told her it would be alright, she was stronger than she thought.”

“And then you kissed her?”

Josh nodded, “I kissed her.” I started to push away from him but he held me tight. “I didn’t kiss her on the lips Anna. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I don’t ever want to kiss her like I kiss you.”

I stared up at Josh; I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know why but even him kissing her on the cheek kind of upset me.

“Anna, honey, please say something.”

It upset me but when I thought about the morning I really kissed Jordan, I knew there was no way the way I felt was anywhere near as hurt as Josh felt that day.

I still didn’t know what to say.

“Anna, honey?”

I said the only thing I could think of.

“Does she know that?”

Still The One

It was hard to believe that the happy little boy walking between Josh and me as we neared the bright white, 6 foot tall fence surrounding Josh’s parents’ yard was the same little boy who threw a boat at his daddy and called him mean.

“Nana and papa have party daddy?” Jesse tilted his head back to look up at Josh; I believed that if we didn’t have hold of his hands, he would’ve fallen over backwards onto his bum.

“Yes Jesse,” Josh reached for the gate’s lock, flipped it open and pushed against the gate.

“Jesse like party daddy,” Jesse pulled his hands out of ours and ran through the opened gate. “Oh!” He exclaimed as he stopped short, his hands jumped to his face.

Josh gave me a knowing smile when I shot him a questioning look. “What is it Jesse? What do you see?”

Looking back towards us, Jess pointed across the yard. “Grandma and Grandpa!” He shouted.

“Jess be careful!” Josh called after him as he took off running.

“Otay daddy!” Jesse called back but he didn’t slow down at all as he disappeared beyond my sight, I was still standing outside the gate, Josh was standing in the opening.

“How are you doing?” I glanced up to see Josh looking down at me, he looked a little worried. “Are you ready to go have some fun?”

“I’m doing ok,” I told him.

“Not too nervous are you?”

Shaking my head gently, I smiled up at him. “No surprisingly not. I’m feeling really good about this.” Grabbing his hand, I suggested we hurry up before I change my mind and runaway.

While it was true that I was feeling good about meeting his grandparents, I was a little nervous but I knew that as long as he was by my side, it would be ok.

We passed through the gate, hand in hand. Josh stopped for a moment to close the gate behind us so none of the kids ran out and then we made our way deeper into his parents’ yard.

Josh’s parents lived in an older part of town so they had a bigger yard than I expected since most new houses had such a small yard. In fact, their yard actually stretched all the way back into the trees, beyond the fence that they rebuilt a couple years ago, according to Josh.

There was so much to look at as we walked through the yard, so many people to say ‘hello’ too, that I didn’t even realize until we stopped that he had led me over to the back porch, to the patio set where his grandparents sat with his mom.

Josh let go of my hand to lean down to his grandmother. “Hello grandma,” he kissed her cheek and reached his hand out to shake his grandfather’s hand. “Hi grandpa.” Then he moved around to kiss his mom’s cheek. “Hello mom.”

I watched him with a smile on my face, he seemed really happy to see his grandparents and his mom, it was sweet but it left me feeling kind of out of place, wishing I had parents and grandparents to introduce him too; my only living grandparent was my dad’s father and he was in a long care facility out east so I never got to see him much, not that he would remember me.

“…And this must be Anna,” I blinked as I felt a cool hand on my forearm. “Hello dear,” Josh’s grandmother smiled at me when I turned to her. “It’s so nice to meet you dear, Joshua has told Thomas and me so much about you.” She leaned back in her chair, looking me over. “My word, I say you are prettier than Joshua said you were,” she glanced at her husband. “Don’t you agree Thomas?”

I could feel my cheeks turning red as his grandfather stood and made his way over to me, taking both my hands in his. Holding my arms up, he looked me over and I swear I blushed harder! “Yes Sophia, Joshua has excellent taste, she is very pretty.”

“No Grandpa!” Jesse exclaimed as he sat on his grandma’s lap. “Ama no perty! Ama booful! Daddy says so!”

Sophia lifted her gaze to Josh; I swear her eyes sparkled when she smiled at him. “It’s true,” Josh told her. “I think Anna is beautiful, I tell her all the time.”

“Good,” was all his grandmother said but the look in her eyes spoke volumes, she was extremely happy for him.

Josh’s grandfather dropped my arms and moved in to give me a quick hug. When he released me, his eyes went to my chest and my first thought was to cover my chest but Thomas glanced at Josh before I could move. “I thought you said Anna…”

Thomas’ voice trailed off as Josh lifted his hand to my shoulder. “Honey,” he whispered against my ear as his finger tips brushed against the chain around my neck. I kept my eyes on his grandparents as he slowly drew the necklace out from underneath my shirt.

“Oh my!” His grandmother gasped. “I haven’t seen those in a long time,” she leaned down to whisper to Jesse, he slipped off her lap and Sophia slowly got to her feet. “Did Joshua tell you the story about those?” She asked as she came closer to us, her hand lifting up to take the cross and ring in her fingers.

“Yes,” I could barely speak. “Josh told me the most amazing story of love and devotion,” I lifted my hand to Sophia’s, I was trembling. “I am so honored to wear jewelry that symbolizes everything I desire – the love of the most wonderful man in the world.”

Sophia gazed up at me, her eyes brimming with tears. “I know how you feel right now Anna,” she glanced over her shoulder at her husband. “I’ve felt that way every day since I was given them.”

As Josh wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead, his grandfather did the same thing to his grandmother.

You're Three! I Thought The 'Terrible' Year Was Two?

“We go to park Ama?” We were in the bathroom; Jess was sitting in the bathtub, in bubbles that came to just below his waist while I was gently messaging shampoo in his wet hair. “Look my boat Ama!” He held up the blue and white tugboat. “Boat go ‘tooooot, tooooot!’”

I smiled at him, “So it does!”

Jess went ‘toooot, toooot’ a couple more times before turning to ask me again if we were going to the park. “We get Linny and go to park!” Jess threw his hand up in the air, sending bubbles flying in every direction when he mentioned going to get Lindsay.

“Sorry Sweetie,” I dipped my hands into the water to wash the excess shampoo of my hands before reaching for the small pail on the edge of the tub that Josh told me he used to rinse the soap from Jess’ hair. “We can’t go to the park today,” I told him as I moved him as far back from the taps as I could. “Daddy is taking us to nana and papa’s house.” Turning on the cold water a little, I glanced at Jess to make sure he was still where I left him and then I turned on the hot until the water was luke warm.

“No!” Jesse slapped his boat into the bubbles causing some water to splash upwards. “Jesse no go to nana and papa! Jesse go park!”

“Sorry Jesse we can’t go to the park today but we can play at nana’s house.” Turning off the water, I moved down towards him. “Come let me rinse the soap out of your hair.”

“No!” He stared at me. “Jesse say Ama and daddy go park!”

“I would like to take you to the park Jess but we have to go to nana’s house.” I reached for his hand and once again asked him to come closer so I could rinse the soap out of his hair.

“NO!” He screamed, waving his arms frantically in front of him.

“Ouch!” I jumped back as his tugboat came down across my wrist. “Jesse that hurt.”

“I sorry!” He yelled.

“Hey what’s all the yelling about?” Josh appeared in the doorway with the dishtowel in his hand, he didn’t look too happy at all. “Anna?”

I started to tell him what happened but Jesse cut me off. “Daddy Ama say we no go to park! Jesse say we go!”

“Is that so?” Josh sort of grinned. “Well Jesse, daddy says that we aren’t going to the park, we are going to nana and papa’s house.”

“NO!” Jesse threw his tugboat at Josh. “Jesse go to park!”

I stared open mouthed at Josh, who stared at Jess in disbelief. I knew I had never seen Jess act this way and by the look on Josh’s face, he hadn’t either. “Jesse,” Josh spoke slowly as he bent over to pick up the boat. “We are going to nana and papa’s house.”

“Jesse no go!” Jesse crossed his arms over his chest. “Jesse go to park!”

“No,” Josh knelt down next to me and held out the boat to Jess. “You can’t go to the park today.”

“Jesse can!” He slapped the boat from Josh’s hand and leaned forward, staring up at Josh. “Daddy mean!”

Josh flinched as if Jesse struck him. “Daddy isn’t mean –”

“Yes!” Jesse exclaimed. “Daddy mean!”

I didn’t know what to do, I was too shocked to say anything or even move. Plus, I didn’t know if I should say anything. Josh leaned forward until his face was inches from Jesse’s defiant one. “Daddy said we are going to nana and papa’s house,” he said with more calm than I thought was possible. “If you think that is mean, then I’m sorry but that’s how it’s going to be. Now,” he pressed his hands against the tub and pushed himself up off the floor. “Let Anna rinse the soap out of your hair, it’s time you got out of the tub.”

I kept my eyes on Jesse as he stared up at his dad. I thought for sure he was going to tell Josh that he wanted to go to the park but he lowered his head and softly said, “Otay daddy.”

Jesse didn’t resist at all when I asked him to come closer so I could rinse his hair, in fact, he didn’t say a word at all until I had him wrapped in a towel and we were heading out of the bathroom.

“Ama?” He spoke so quietly, I almost didn’t hear him which was unusual since he was up in my arms.

“What Jesse?”

He lifted his head, his big blue eyes sad as he asked me, “Daddy love Jesse?”

“Oh my God Jesse!” I moved him from my hip around to rest against my stomach and I hugged him tight. “Of course daddy…” I trailed off; I thought it would be best of Josh spoke for himself this time. I walked towards the kitchen where Josh was putting away the last of the dishes. “Honey?” He turned towards me and I motioned to Jess.

“What’s wrong?” Josh came towards us. When he was close enough, he placed his hand on Jess’ back and lowered his head. “Jesse tell daddy what’s wrong.”

Jesse cuddled up to me when Josh spoke to him, I didn’t think he was going to answer his dad but he turned his head to look at Josh. “Daddy love Jesse?”

“What?” Josh glanced at me before turning back to Jesse.

“Daddy mad at Jesse. Daddy no love Jesse.”

Josh sighed, “Jesse,” he tried to take him from me but Jesse wouldn’t let go. “Fine,” he sighed once more and took both of us in his arms. “Just because daddy gets upset Jesse, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you!” Jesse lifted his head off my chest. “I love you very much Jesse, nothing will ever change that!”

“Jesse sorry daddy,” he reached for Josh and Josh pulled him out of my arms, hugging him tight to his chest. “Love you daddy!”

Josh gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I love you too Jesse.”

I smiled at the both of them, I was so happy that the moment in the bathroom didn’t end up being worst than it was. “Come on Jesse, let’s go get you dressed.”

Jesse pushed away from Josh’s chest to look over his shoulder at me. “We go to nana and papa’s Ama!”