Live

He was still holding his shirt up, I could still see the gauze and I focused on it. I didn’t know what to say to him, ‘cancer’ is such a scary word, I can’t even think of one person I know how hasn’t been touched by it in some form or another.

Jordan was no different, cancer has taken a few of his family members; the one that hit him the most was when his grandmother died a few years ago, she was sick for so long and we watched it knock her down from the busy, on the go grandma that she was to the fragile corpse she became. It took six months from the time they found out about it, until she was too weak to go on.

I was focusing on that gauze but I wasn’t seeing it anymore, the tears that were threatening to spill broke through my resolve as I thought about Jenna. My heart ached for her, to have just started to get to know her dad only to lose him so soon? Was there any justice? I didn’t want her to grow up without Jordan; I didn’t want her to know the emptiness that comes with losing a parent. But the sad thing was that she wouldn’t even have memories of him, she was too young.

No, I wiped the tears from my cheek. Jenna will know her dad; I’ll tell her stories and show her everything I have with him in it. She’ll know how great of a friend he was and how much everyone loved him. I’m sure Heather would help me out there; she did love him at one time.

The gauze came back into focus as my determination that Jenna will know her dad dried my tears.

Good Lord! My eyes widen, what the hell are you thinking? Jenna will know her dad because you’ll tell her about him? Screw that! Jenna will know him because he’ll be there to do all the things that he should do! There is no way Jordan is going to die. I won’t let him. Jenna won’t let him.

I pulled my eyes from Jordan’s back and stared him dead in the eyes.

Wait a minute! My mind screamed, he said ‘might’! I gasped, he doesn’t even know for sure if he’s sick or not!

“What are you thinking?” Jordan asked slowly; he released his shirt, it fell down over his back and came to rest at his waist once again. “You look pissed.”

I nodded.

“Why?”

“I don’t believe you,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

He backed up a little, unsure of what was going on. “I didn’t do that to myself,” he snapped at me. “I went to the doctor and –”

“Oh,” I planted my hands on my hips and stared at him. “I believe that happened, I believe that what you told me is true Jordy. What I don’t believe is you, right now!”

His brows drew together, his nose crinkled, “Me?” He shook his head back and forth in a small arc, confusion written all over his face.

“Yes you!” I slapped his shoulder with the back of my hand as I spoke. “You stood there and told me that you don’t want to die but yet your attitude towards this whole thing is pretty negative. Jordy, I know it’s scary.” He started to say something but I held up my hand. “Ok, I don’t know, I’ve never been in your position before. But damn it Jordan, you don’t even know for sure if you have cancer! You only might have it but you already seem to have given up.”

“You don’t want to die?” He shook his head. “Well I don’t want you to die either and I’m damn sure that Jenna don’t but before you condemn yourself to that fate, maybe you should find out if it’s cancer for sure!” I started to sob again. “You had me thinking that you knew that you were really sick and dying. You don’t even know for sure!” He moved to take me in his arms but I stepped back. “You don’t know!”

He stood there and watched me cry, I knew he wanted to hug me to stop me like he always did but I wasn’t going to let him.

“You don’t know,” I repeated a few minutes later when I could speak without stammering.

“No,” he groaned. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m only going by what the doctor said and the expression on his face after he cut me. I’m sorry but damn it Anna I’m freaking out! So excuse me for being a little overdramatic but death scares the hell out of me!”

“You aren’t dying!” I yelled at him. “Right now, as far as you know, you aren’t dying! And until that test result comes back and says ‘yes, you have cancer’, you need to live your life Jordy!” I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer, staring into his green eyes. “Live damn it!”

Jordan ripped his shirt from my hands but didn’t move back. “It’s easy for you to say!”

“Like hell it is! I’m scared shitless right now, the thought that I may lose you forever is really freaking me out! But Jordan I refuse to let you give up when you have so much to live for.”

“Anna…”

I sighed, my shoulders slumped. “Jordan if the test comes back negative, you’ll feel bad that you hadn’t lived your life since you had the moles removed. If the test comes back positive, we’ll deal with it; so many people love you and would do anything to help you through the worse case scenario.”

“Won’t matter much if I die.”

I glared up at him, my jaw set; I wanted to kick him so hard at that moment. “With that attitude, you’ve already killed yourself.” I turned away from him, yanking the balcony door open and stepped back into Mike’s apartment, leaving Jordan out there.

“Hey!” Mike jumped when I ripped the remote control out of his hands. “Oh crap,” he muttered when he saw my face. “What’s going on?”

“I didn’t come all the way here to sit and watch TV,” I told him. “Go get dressed, we are going out and having some fun.”

Mike didn’t argue with me, he jumped up and started for his room when he paused to look back at me. “I need to shower,” he said cautiously, as if I was going to rip his head off for that.

“Ok,” I sighed as I plopped down on the sofa next to Nick. “Do whatever you need to do.”

The apartment was silent except for the sounds of Mike grabbing his clothes before heading to the bathroom to shower. I could feel Nick watching me as I sat there with my eyes closed and my head resting against the back of the sofa but I didn’t feel like talking, I could feel a headache coming on.