So Many Storms

For the longest time Josh didn’t say anything and I didn’t have any idea what else there was to say to him. Finally, he told me that he had one question he needed to know the answer to. “I want you to be completely honest Anna.”

“Of course,” I replied more confidently that I felt.“Besides the kiss, have you ever cheated on me?”

“No,” I replied without hesitation.“So you didn’t sleep with him while we were still together?”

“No, Josh, I didn’t.”

Josh let out a huge sigh and slumped back in his seat. I started to feel relieved that this was finally over but then he had to say. "It would be so much easier if you were a cheating whore." He then asked me, “What am I supposed to do? I can’t get you out of my head. I ache to hold, touch and kiss you.”

Closing my eyes, I sighed. “It’s not me.”

“What’s not you?” He demanded.

“It’s not me,” I repeated. “The stuff you can’t get out of your head – the holding, touching and kissing – it isn’t because of me Josh.” I opened my eyes again. “I’m not what you are missing.”

“How can you say that Anna?” His hand closed around mine as it rested on my lap. “We were so great together. We were happy. We were planning on getting married! How can you say it isn’t you I’m missing?”

“It’s easy Josh, when I know, in my heart that, it’s not me.”

“God!” He pulled his hand away from mine. “When did you become so cold?”

His comment would’ve hurt, if I wasn’t tired of telling him that we were over. “I’m not trying to be cold Josh, I’m just being honest with you. While I do believe that you loved me, I don’t believe that it’s me you are missing.”

He didn’t say anything but I could fell his eyes on me. Since he wasn’t responding, I thought I’d try another tactic. “Josh, how many times have you tried to call me since we broke up? How many times have you tried to see me?”

“I had Jess this summer Anna, I needed to spend time with him. Then, in August, I was getting ready for school –“

I stopped him right there. “That’s how I know it’s not me Josh.”

“What are you talking about? Because I want to spend time with my son and I have to work?” He called bullshit.

“It’s not bullshit, it’s true. If I were the one for you Josh, I never would’ve come after your work. After Jesse, yes but not after work.”

Again he told me that what I was saying wasn’t true. “You were important to me Anna.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged. “But in the end, I wasn’t important enough to start over with. I wasn’t important enough to be honest with.” I sighed. “I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I made things my business, I spent too much time with my friends, I never said the right things. I just couldn’t be me around you.” He went to say something but I cut him off. “Hell, I couldn’t even call you ‘Coach’ because – god forbid – you thought about me while you were at work.”

“I never said you couldn’t call me ‘Coach’.”

“No?” I snorted. “Whatever Josh, you know you did.”

He told me I was making a big deal out of something I misunderstood. “I don’t have any problems with you calling me ‘Coach’.”

Shaking my head slightly, I closed my eyes. “We always fight Josh. It’s not normal.”

“We have disagreements,” he stated. “There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“But we never solve anything!” I turned towards him. “When have we ever resolved an issue between us? We broke up because I kissed Jordan, which I’ll admit was justifiable, but damnit Josh every time you wanted to hurt me or push me away after we said we’d try again, you brought it up! Never once did you let it go. Not even when you promised me that you would try!”

“Yeah, well you swore to me that Jordan was just a friend and now you are fucking him so who -"
I could feel my temper flaring as he spoke but instead of decking him, I clamped my hand over his mouth and released my seat belt in one swift movement. “Listen here,” I hissed. My face was mere inches away from his as I loomed over him. “What I’m doing right now with Jordan is none of your business. You had your chance – no, make that chances – and you blew both of them. Why don’t you do us both a favour and forget that we had a past and move on – you’ll realize that what we had wasn’t as great as you pretend it was.”

When I clamped my hand over his mouth, Josh’s hand immediately flew to grasp my wrist. The whole time I spoke, his hand would tighten a little bit at a time. By the time I finished, my wrist was actually started to ache from the pressure of his grip but I wouldn’t back off.

Then I saw a flash of lights. Blue and red ones.

They startled me. I had almost forgotten that we were in his car on the shoulder of the highway in the middle of what was looking like a snow storm.

The rap on the drivers’ window came quicker than I expected. Josh was rolling down the window as I pulled away from him to return to the proper position. “Good Evening folks….” The flashlight beam sliced through the car as Zack’s voice trailed off.

I don’t know if Josh and I looked guilty or what but after the initial shock wore off Zack lost all professionalism as he turned the light towards me and said, “What the hell is going on here?” In his next breath, he demanded to know why I was in Josh’s car and if Jordan knew where I was.

Instead of replying, I asked him a question of my own. “Why are you here?”

“Why…?” Zack muttered something under his breath and then told me that he was on his way home. “Middle of a snowstorm and a car is on the side of the road with its hazards on; you know damn well I’m checking it out!”

“Well as you can see, everything is fine.”

Finally he lowered the light from me. Shaking his head, he told me that everything wasn’t ok. “Here I was thinking that my whole family was safe and sound inside but here you are, in the middle of a practically deserted highway, sitting there like it’s the freaking middle of summer! Why aren’t you curled up on the couch with Jordan, watching TV like you should be?”

I went to tell him it was none of his business when he turned to Josh and said, “Take her home, now.”

“We were talking,” Josh said through clenched teeth.

“I don’t care,” Zack replied. “None should be out on a night like this. Especially not on this highway, it’s too dangerous at night.” He was speaking from experience – not only had he had a few close calls himself but he also had to respond to more than enough emergencies on that stretch of highway.

Five minutes later, Zack was slowing pulling back out onto the highway to head home and we were turning around to head back into town. “God!” Josh exclaimed as he hit the city limits sign. “You brother always treats me like a kid when you are involved.” He glanced at me. “I don’t know why he ever said he was fine with me asking you out, he never once approved of anything I did. I was always the bad guy, always getting lectured about stupid things. I couldn’t even hold your hand without getting a dirty look!”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“I wouldn’t look so happy if I were you. If he was doing that with me, and we were supposed to be friends, what do you think he’s doing to Jordan?”

My smile faltered. “You and Zack aren’t friends?”

Josh sighed. “Of course we are but things were tense when we were dating, that’s all.”

Silence settled over the car as Josh concentrated on driving through the snowy streets. As we went, I noticed that for the most part, the streets were deserted. I guess most people are thinking the same thing Zack was, they shouldn’t be out tonight.

But I was out. So was Josh.

“I’m hungry,” I said out of the blue.

Josh shot me a look and agreed. “Me too, I haven’t eaten all day.”

Without giving it another thought, besides the ‘well since we are already out’, I told him that I wanted to grab something to eat.

“Really?” Josh raised a brow. “What about Zack?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sitting on the highway; I’ll be inside where it’s warm. Besides, you promised me dinner.”

“That I did,” Josh chuckled. “Ok, where do you want to go?”

After thinking about it for a minute, I told him I wanted to go to Boston Pizza, “if they are still opened that is.”

Turning the car around for the second time that evening, Josh headed back towards the restaurant we had passed a couple minutes before. I was so thankful when we walked into the nearly empty restaurant and found out that they were keeping normal hours despite the weather.

After the waitress seated us and left to take get our drink orders, I got to thinking, oh crap I hope not….

“Hey Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“You do know this isn’t a date, right?”

He was silent for so long, I thought that I had made a big mistake, again. But then he nodded slowly and glanced at me. “Because it’s not you I’m missing, right?”

“That’s right,” I confirmed his statement.

The waitress came back with our drinks and took our food order so he had to wait until she left again to as me, “so what is it that I’m missing then? If it’s not you?”

“Like I said before, it’s the actions that you miss, not me.” He didn’t look like he understood me. “See, I figure that if we were meant to be Josh, then I would feel the same way you do. I would miss you and I wouldn’t have let this much time pass without being in contact with you.”

“But you have Jordan distracting you,” he pointed out.

“No,” I shook me head. “That’s not the reason. I would’ve never gotten involved with him if I felt that way about you. I would’ve been the same way I was the first time we broke up, miserable and missing you.”

“So why don’t you miss me now, if you missed me so much before?”

It was a valid question. “I believe I missed you so much before because I cared for you and we didn’t really have the chance to see how it could be between us.”

“I still don’t think we did.”

I shrugged. “Problem is Josh, I don’t want to try it again.” He cringed and I felt bad for the way I said it. “I know, I sound harsh and cold but trust me, I’m not trying to be mean. I just want you to realize what I realized months ago – we could be so much happier than what we were when we were together.”

Josh couldn’t look at me as he mumbled something about me making it sound like being with him was the worst time of my life.

“No,” I sighed. “That’s not what I’m saying at all.” I reached out and took his hand in mine. Josh’s eyes met mine as he looked up and leaned in over the table a little. “When we were alone together Josh, things were great but the moment the outside world came in, we had problems seeing each other for all the issues. There was no way you would ever be ok with my friendship with Jordan, or my overwhelming need to butt into everyone’s business. There was no way I could stand to just be there and not be trusted or to be so low on your list of priorities. Jess, work and your family all came before me.”

“Jesse will always be first in my life Anna, he’s my son.”

“I know and I never had a problem with him being your number one concern – he should be number one – but I thought I should rate above your work.”

“I guess,” Josh pulled his hand out of mine. “It’s much like you putting Jordan before me.”

“When did I do that?”

Josh looked me dead in the eyes. “When didn’t you? It seemed that ever time I turned around, you were going on and on about him and trying to make me see that you weren’t more than friends but Anna, you know, the more you tried to convince me, the more convinced I was that there was something going on.”

“There –“

“I know, I know,” he held up his hand to stop me. “In the end, there was though. Otherwise, how could you be with him now?”

“Excuse me,” the waitress appeared at our table with our appetizers – hot wings and pizza bread. The whole time she was doing her thing, I noticed that she kept glancing at Josh. I couldn’t help but chuckled when she asked him, “Can I get you a refill?”

Josh looked at his almost full glass and with the most confused look I’ve ever seen, he told her that he was good for the moment. “My glass is pretty full still.”

“Oh…” She turned bright red and excused herself before hurrying off.

“Oh my…” I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to stop from laughing out loud.

“Stop it,” he hissed, clearly a little worried she would hear me.

“Sorry,” I snorted as I removed my hand. “It was just funny; she was too busy drooling over you to notice that you didn’t need more pop.”

He shot me a dirty look.

“Oh come on Josh!” I rolled my eyes. “Like you didn’t notice she was checking you out.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” he stated, clearly trying to change the subject.

“What question?” I asked, trying not to snicker as I spotted the waitress out of the corner of my eye.

Josh reached for a piece of the pizza bread. Dipping the corner into the meat sauce provided, he told me I knew what question. “How could you be with Jordan when you said there was nothing between you two?”

In order to get my thoughts together, I plucked a wing from the pile on the plate and dipped it in the cup of ranch I asked for. “Josh,” I paused to take a sip of my Pepsi. “Don’t you want to find someone who makes you happy?” He had just popped the piece of pizza bread into his mouth so he couldn’t reply, so I continued. “Don’t you want to come home from a long day at work and know that there’s someone there who wants to know all about your day?”

As he listened, he nodded.

“Don’t you want to look into another’s eyes and know that who you are is what is putting that sparkle in their eyes?”

“Of course I do Anna,” he said once he swallowed his mouthful.

“So do I,” I told him. “And I want that for you too but in order for that to happen, you have to move on from me. You deserve so much more than what I could offer you Josh. You deserve someone whose heart belongs to you, not to –”

“Her best friend.”

“Yes.”

He glanced away for a brief moment. “You are really happy with Jordan?”

I nodded, “Very happy.” Without stopping, I blurted out, “We are buying a house together.”

“Planning a future,” he stated.

“Yeah, we are.”

“Marriage?”

I smiled.

“I see,” he reached for another piece of pizza bread. Holding it in his fingers, he glanced at me, “So that it, you have moved on.”

I couldn’t believe it, he finally seemed to get it.

“I guess,” he dropped the pizza bread back into his plate. “I guess I should too.”

“You should,” I agreed. “You’ll make the female population of this town really happy if you do.”

With a chuckle he told me not to get too far ahead of myself. “I’m not Casanova or anything.”
“Casanova would be envious of you, Handsome.”

He blushed, “Remind me to keep potential girlfriends away from you; you’ll fill their heads with your nonsense.”

With Josh finally accepting that we were done for sure, it was easy to slip into a comfortable friend mode with him. As we ate, we cracked jokes and caught up on what had been going on with each other for the last couple months.

Three hours later, the waitress was pretty much kicking us out as she told us that she needed to close her till for the night. “You don’t have to leave,” she said repeatedly but we both knew that it was high time we did.

“Are you going to be ok?” Josh asked as he pulled into Jordan’s driveway four hours after we pulled out of it.

“Of course,” I assured him. “As soon as I curl up next to Jordan, I’ll be great.”

I swear there was a look of longing for a split second before he managed to cover it up. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” he said as I got out of his car. “Have a good night.”

After bidding him good night, I made my way up the walk and into Jordan’s house. Even though every light in the house was off, I couldn’t help but feel a rush of excitement as I quickly removed my jacket and boots – the flickering of the TV on the walls of the living room told me that Jordan was still up.

And waiting for me, I thought as I hurried across the kitchen with nothing on my mind other than curling up on the couch with him.

But when I rounded the corner about to tell him to move over, my heart sunk, he appeared to already be asleep.

I’ll just go and change, I told myself. Then I’ll wake him up and lure him into bed.

Just the thought of luring him into bed was enough to build my excitement once again. Turning on my heel, I made my way down the hallway to his room. Once inside, I headed for the bed to turn down the sheets before wandering over to the closet, removing my shirt as I went.

As I stood in front of his dresser in my bra and panties, debating which one of his shirts I would sleep in, I felt a sudden warmth come over me. “Honey,” I pouted. “I was going to join you once I changed.”

“You were?” He yawned. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, I thought you were sleeping,” I explained. “I wanted to be ready for bed so that I wouldn’t have to be away from you for a minute more.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” I turned towards him, expecting to find him right behind me but he was still standing in the doorway, leaning against the door jam. My smile faltered, “Honey?” I frowned as I wondered why he wasn’t next to me, manhandling me like he always did whenever I was half naked in front of him. I started towards him, “Is something wrong Jordy?”

“I don’t know.” His eyes flicked from my face to my chest and back again. “I didn’t think there was but…”

“But what?” I stopped in front of him. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

It took him a few minutes but finally he said, “I thought I was ok with it but then three hours ago your brother calls me to see if you made it home. I told him that you were at the Grillhouse with Josh and he told me that you weren’t, he met up with you and Josh on the side of the highway and sent you home.”

“Jordy it started to –“

“Three hours ago Anna,” he cut in. “Where the hell have you been for three hours?”

Taking a step back, I stared at him. “You are not serious Jordan.”

“Yeah,” he took a step towards me. “I’m serious. You had me worried for hours, there was no answer on your cell and your brother said you should’ve been home before he even called. What the hell Babe?”

“What the hell?” I repeated. “What the hell?!?”

He nodded, waiting for me to answer his question.

Closing my eyes, I counted to ten because I didn’t want to do something stupid. “Jordy,” I opened my eyes and gazed up into his. “On our way to the Grillhouse it started to snow really hard so Josh pulled over and called the restaurant to cancel his reservation. He wanted me to go back to his place and talk but I didn’t want to so we ended up getting into stuff in his car as we sat on the side of the highway. That’s what we were doing when Zack showed up. Yes, he told us to go back to town but you told me to deal with this Josh issue and I was hungry so I suggested that we still went to grab something for dinner.”

I turned away from him and pulled my receipts from my pile of stuff on his dresser. “We went to Boston Pizza,” I held out the papers as I turned back to him. “We started to talk, really talk about what happened and finally he admitted that it was time for him to move on. Our food came, I asked him how Jesse was doing and where he was in his custody fight and then he wanted to know more about us buying a house and how things were going with Jenna. He got me started on you and I couldn’t shut up,” I chuckled and then bit my lip nervously. “We didn’t realize the time, the waitress ended up kicking us out.”

The whole time I spoke, Jordan kept his eyes on my face; he didn’t even bother to glance at the receipts when I gave them to him. “Jordy, honey, please say something.”