Beached

It was late afternoon - probably about nearing 6 - most of the people that were at the lake when I arrived with the girls and Conner were packing up and heading out for dinner. My nieces had just taken Conner down to the water to attempt to make a sand town - something they’ve been trying every single day since summer began.

Since I was alone, I laid back on my beach blanket and closed my eyes. Taking a couple deep breathes, I listened to the excited squeal of kids and adults alike as we all enjoyed one of the warmest days of the year. It was surprisingly relaxing, the warm sun on my skin, soon I barely heard the chatter that surrounded me while I thought about everything from Jordan, work, my family, and Josh.

Yes, Josh. It had been over a month since we broke up and I still thought about him. It was hard not too, he was very important to me for a while, we were pretty intense - I was bound to think about him.

And Jesse. I missed Jesse probably more than I missed Josh. Although, I don’t really know if that was true or if I was just trying to convince myself of it because I didn’t want to doubt the feelings I had for Jordan. I hated to admit it but even though I loved Jordan, Josh was on my mind a lot.

That afternoon I was thinking about the last night I saw either one of them. Canada Day, the party. The night that I found out that Josh wasn’t really about to become a dad again and the same night we really called it quits. Like many times since that night, I thought about Josh’s request to be friends. At first I didn’t even want to think about possibly being his friend, I was hurting and I didn’t want to go down that whole ‘are we friends? Or something more’ path with him again; the feelings were still pretty strong.

Now, I found myself wondering how he was and what he’s been up too all summer now that he had Jesse with him. I worried that he wouldn’t want to give Jess back to Carol when the summer ended and I wondered how the custody battle was going now. There were many times that I attempted to ask Zack about Josh but I didn’t want to hear the lecture that would go along with him telling me.

Maybe I’ll call him tonight, I thought but knew in my heart that I didn’t have the courage to pick up the phone because I didn’t want to hear the indifference in his voice. I didn’t want to know that he could care less if he ever heard from me again.

That’s crazy, I told myself. He was the one who wanted to be friends in the first place, why wouldn’t he want to hear from you?

If he wanted to talk to you, my inner voice spoke up. He would’ve picked up the phone and called you.

Sighing, I admitted that it was true; he could’ve called me just as much as I could’ve called him.

And besides, my inner voice continued. Do you really think Josh would want to be your friend when he finds out that you are dating Jordan? Then there’s Jordan. Do you think it’s fair to him to actively seek a connection to your ex? Doesn’t he deserve better than that?

“Oh for the love of God,” I sighed and opened my eyes. “It’s not like -”

“Hi Anna!”

I jumped, blinked a few times in rapid succession at Jesse as he grinned and squatted at me side with his blue plastic bucket and yellow shovel.

“You weren’t sleeping,” he giggled. “Daddy said you weren’t but I no believe him! Whoa!” He exclaimed in surprise as he fell onto his bum. “I falled,” he laughed.

“Yes, you did.” I replied as my gaze nervously jumped to the 6’2 man standing just behind him, blocking the sun. “Hello Josh,” I even sounded nervous when I spoke. I hated that.

Before Josh could reply, Jesse was tugging on my hand. “Anna play with me?”

Turning my attention back to Jess, I smiled. “Of course I will Jesse.” I watched him kneel up and then stand in front of me as he gripped the white plastic handle of the bucket. “I really missed playing with you.”

“We make a sand castle Anna. Daddy said so.”

“Sand castle?” I sat up quickly and scanned the beach until I spotted my nieces and nephew.

“What doing?” Jesse peered at me. When I explained to him that I was just checking to see if Conner and the girls were alright, his eyes lit up. “Conner is here?” He tilted his head all the way back and stared up at his dad. “I play with Conner Daddy?”

Josh nodded, “Yes you can play with Conner.”

With Jesse having Josh’s permission, I scrambled off the blanket and held out my hand. “I’ll just take him down there,” I mumbled as Jesse wrapped his hand around my fingers.

I didn’t know if I was imagining it or not but I was sure I could feel Josh’s gaze on me as we walked down the beach towards my family - I felt totally self conscious and naked. I shouldn’t have though, it wasn’t like the swimwear I was sporting was overly sexy or anything. In fact, the black racer back tankini top and matching mid-scoop bottoms I picked out received a eye roll and dig at my fashion sense from my oldest nieces. Only Natalie thought that my outfit was ‘cool’.

Once we reached my family, Jesse insisted that I help him scoop a bucketful of sand, pack it and dump it. “We made a tower,” he exclaimed when we lifted the bucket and the sand stayed together.

“Good for you,” Lindsay said cheerfully as she moved over to where we were. “Why don’t I help you with the next tower Jesse?”

“But I want Anna to play with me,” Jesse pouted.

“And I will,” I reassured him.

“Yeah,” Lindsay leaned in and whispered in Jesse’s ear. As she spoke, Jesse’s eyes lit up and he started to nod excitedly.

“You go,” Jesse said to me when Lindsay stopped whispering.

“But you wanted -”

“Anna you go,” he repeated as he handed his bucket to Lindsay. “Linny make tower with me. You go play with Daddy, Linny said so.”

I shot Lindsay a dirty look as she started to laugh. “Don’t look at me,” she chuckled. “I just said that you should talk to Josh.”

“Lindsay,” I gave her a warning look but she ignored it.

“I don’t think that you gave Josh a real chance,” she told me seriously. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Uncle Jordan but Aunt Anna, Josh is…” she shrugged. “I just want you to talk to him. Please?”