When Doves Cry

It probably wasn’t the smartest thing I ever did, telling Josh that Jordan and I shared the sofa bed with Nick while we were at Mike’s that night. At the time I didn’t think how he would react, all I was thinking was that I wanted to be honest with him, I didn’t want it him to hear about it from some one else and think that I didn’t tell him because I felt something for Jordan. Of course, I guess there could’ve been a better way to tell him.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” We had been locked in the same place, staring at each other pretty intensely for about five minutes.

“I don’t want to fight with you Anna; I just wanted to have a nice relaxing evening with you.” He dropped his arms down to his sides. “Is that too much to ask? That we spend some time together without being interrupted or having Jordan’s name brought up?”

“I’m not the one who mentioned his name,” I pointed out.

Josh rolled his eyes, “No but you certainly brought him into the conversation by telling me that you didn’t miss me or sleep alone last night!”

“What?” I gasped as I watched Josh walk over and plop down on to his couch. “You have got to be kidding me! Didn’t miss you? I already told you that I did! As for not sleeping alone, I told you about that so you wouldn’t make a big deal out of it!” I was standing in front of him but he didn’t even look at me. “Yeah, I shared a pull out with Nick and Jordan, so what? It’s not like I cuddled up to either one of them! It’s not like I screwed either one of them! I slept! That’s all that ever happened and all that ever will!”

Closing his eyes, Josh tilted his head back until it rested against the back of the couch. Sighing deeply, he brought his hands to his face, “You know for someone who is incredibly smart, you can be pretty clueless at times.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well,” he brought his hands down to the couch cushions and pushed his body off the couch once again. He towered over me, his arms folded over his chest, his words spoken slowly when he finally said what was on his mind. “Do you think that I’m just going to accept the fact that you think sleeping in the same bed with Jordan is ok? I don’t care if there were ten people between the two of you, I don’t like it!”

“Well too damn bad!” I snapped. “I had no choice, if I wanted to get any sleep at all. I was tired and cranky; I just wanted to sleep Josh. Why can’t you understand that? Why do you have to make this about Jordan? Just how long are you going to condemn me for one mistake that happened months ago?”

“As long as it takes for you to realize that it’s not ok for a grown woman to share a bed with a man that she’s admitted to having feelings for when she’s supposedly in love with someone else!”

“Supposedly?” I frowned. “Suppose…JOSH! GOD!” I groaned, I lifted my hands to my head in frustration and literally pulled on my hair. “You are driving me crazy! I can’t do anything right when it comes to you! You tell me to go have fun and then you flip out because of something so small? That’s crazy Josh and I don’t know if I can take this anymore!”

“Small?” Josh scoffed. “Ok if it was small and not such a big deal at all, then you won’t mind if I go and spend all day tomorrow with…” he trailed off, he frowned, a couple seconds passed by but it felt like hours. “Carol!”

“Carol?” I stepped back. “What on earth would you do that? You don’t even like her!”

“That’s not the point,” Josh threw his hands out in frustration.

“Then what’s the point?”

“The point is – you wouldn’t like it one bit if I spent the entire day with Carol and then ended up sleeping in the bed with her all night!”

I lifted my chin stubbornly. “I wouldn’t care Josh, if you were friends with her like I am with the guys, then it wouldn’t matter. YOU WOULD ONLY BE SLEEPING!”

“It would matter!” His control finally slipped as he yelled at me. “I’ve told you that I’m uncomfortable with your friendship with Jordan – and giving the circumstances, I have a damn good reason! But you don’t seem to care, you amuse me for a couple weeks but then it’s the same shit again!”

“I’m not giving up my friends for you Josh! I shouldn’t have too! You knew all about Jordan before we started dating and I’ve done everything I could to make you feel that you can trust me. I haven’t seem Jordan much since we got back together, I’ve only talked to him briefly on the phone and most times you are there so you know what’s being said and I’ve turned down so many of my friends invitations to do stuff that I’m surprised that I have anyone left to talk too!”

“I’m done all this because I love you and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t trust me but it doesn’t matter, does it? You’ll never trust me.”

Josh shook his head, “You don’t know what it’s like to feel this way Anna.”

“Feel what way Josh? I’m not doing anything that would make you doubt me!”

“But you did!” His hand jumped up and he pointed at me. “You know damn will my fear is completely grounded in reality!”

“No!” I scoffed, “Your fear isn’t based in reality, if it were I would be all over Jordan and I’m not! I’m not Josh! I never was!”

“You don’t understand…” he started but I jumped in.

“Oh for God sakes Josh, let it go already!” I snapped, I mean really snapped and I let him have everything I was thinking. “I’m so bloody tired of you throwing that damn kiss back at me whenever you don’t like something I do! I’m so damn tired Josh!”

“What do you mean, you are tired? Of what?”

“Of this!” I motioned between the two of us. “I’m tired of having to justify every movement or decision I make. I’m tired of being treated like a traitor for one mistake that you said we could work through. We haven’t been working through anything Josh! You told me that you wanted to start over, you wanted to be with me but it was all a lie wasn’t it? You aren’t ready to start over, you aren’t ready to be with me again and you certainly aren’t ready to love me.”

Josh started opened mouthed at me, not daring or not able to speak.

“You aren’t ready, are you Josh?” I stared at him, pleading for a miracle to happen, begging for him to tell me some thing – anything – to make me believe that he truly was ready to start over. Tears that were burning my eyes started to fall as I softly asked, “You will never truly trust me again, will you Josh?”

The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds.

The seconds turned into minutes.

The minutes turned into the sound of my heart crying when he couldn’t utter the words I really needed him to say.

“I think I should go,” I turned from him.

“Where are you going to go?” His hand fell onto my arm but I didn’t turn – I couldn’t face him and let him see how devastated I was.

It hurt to even breathe but I took a deep breath anyway, “Where do you think I’m going?”

Without missing a beat, he said. “Where you always go – to Jordan.”

I started to laugh as the tears rolled down my cheeks, I had no intentions of going to Jordan’s, I wanted to go home and curl up in my bed, alone but I didn’t tell him that. I was hurting and it was stupid but I wanted him to hurt as well. “Maybe that’s where I should be.”