Thinking It Over

The moment I stepped out into the hallway, the voice inside my head started to scream. What are you doing? He said he needed some space – let him have this time to think. I won’t kill you!

I didn’t want to listen to the voice but I knew it was right – Josh did ask me to give him some space that night – who knew how he would react if I didn’t respect his request. I didn’t want to fight with him anymore. And to be honest, I really needed to do some thinking of my own.

Oh but to be in his arms… I sighed as the voice told me to just go back to bed. You’ll feel his arms in the morning.

I turned to go back into his room when I stopped, I do feel a little thirsty.

Excuses, the voice scoffed.

“Damn this is crazy!” I said out loud. “I’m talking to myself – no, arguing with myself in my head? I really need some sleep!” I smiled, “After I get something to drink that is.”

I was standing in his kitchen pouring a glass of water from the jug in the fridge when I heard a door open and close, I paused. What the heck? I glanced at the front door but it was still closed. I frowned, thinking that it must have been someone out in the hallway going into their apartment when I heard footsteps coming from the direction of the dining area.

Josh turned the corner, stopping short, apparently surprised that I was standing in his kitchen. “What are you doing up?” He asked. “I thought you would be long asleep.”

I held up my glass of water, smiled and shrugged slightly.

“I see,” he moved into the kitchen, dropping an empty can on the counter before he bent down to the fridge to grab another one. “Well, good night,” he said dismissively as he disappeared the way he came. I heard a door open and close once again. It took me a moment to realize that he had gone out onto his balcony.

Me? I headed back to his room. The way he spoke to me didn’t make me feel that he was all too interested in seeing me anymore that night.

I would be lying if I said that once I was snuggled into his bed again, I fell fast to sleep. I wish I did, I know I was tired enough but I just couldn’t seem to drift off. This constant arguing with Josh was driving me insane, it was starting to eat away at the confidence I felt about our relationship. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with us, if the arguing was really based on the kiss that I shared with Jordan back in January or if there was a deeper issue that Josh didn’t want to touch on.

I wasn’t stupid; I knew that he was sensitive to any sign of cheating. I knew from the beginning that his ex wife cheated on him but I didn’t realize just how much he was still carrying that hurt around with him. It wasn’t fair. At least I didn’t think it was. I wasn’t Carol, I didn’t plan on sleeping with another man, and Josh was more than capable of handling my wants and needs.

So does he not trust you, or…the thought that jumped into my mind caused me to sit up straight in bed. Could it be? Could Josh’s lack of trust have more to do with his own feelings of inadequately than the insignificant kiss that Jordan and I shared? Or did he just see Carol’s betrayal every time he looked at me?

No, I shook my head. I can’t pass the blame of this onto some one else. Even if he was hurting from Carol’s betrayal still, it was your betrayal that caused all this tension and mistrust.

But what do I do to change it? I fell back against the mattress once again. Now that is the biggest question. What do I do? Ignore Jordan? Give up a life long friendship? Is that really what he expects me to do?

I sighed, I didn’t want to give up my friendship with Jordan, that’s one thing I wasn’t willing to do for anyone – even Josh. Maybe I was sending him a message that Jordan is more important than he is but come on! Jordan is my best friend – damn, he’s almost like another brother to me! I can’t just give up ‘family’ because someone doesn’t like my relationship with them.

Yeah, I rolled over onto my stomach. But that’s not true is it? It Jordan was really like another brother, you would never had kissed him in the first place because let’s face it you wouldn’t kiss Zack or Chad like that... I cringed at the thought, ewwwwww!

Ok, so think about it. You kissed him; you let him kiss you – why? Was there something that was lacking in your relationship with Josh at the time? Was it because you had feelings for him? Do you still have those feeling? Is that why giving him up is such a hard thing for you to consider?

Flopping over onto my back, I sighed. This wasn’t getting me anywhere, the same questions ran around in my head but the answers always remained the same. It was frustrating. I was hoping for some answers, for a resolution to the tension between Josh and me.

I was hoping for a miracle but all I did was arrive at the same answers before falling into a dreamless sleep.

Morning came long before I was ready for it. The sun streaming in through the blinds that covered Josh’s bedroom window woke me. I had forgotten for a moment that I went to bed alone but that quickly came back to mind when I rolled over and saw his side of the bed empty still.

I pulled myself out of the comfort of his bed to go off in search of him, to see if he made any progress in his thinking last night. I was almost to the living room when I heard his voice, I thought he was talking to himself but as his words drifted towards me, I realized that he was talking on the phone.

“No, I don’t really think that’s necessary,” he said firmly. “Anna doesn’t need to know that we are meeting, I think it would be better if she didn’t, this is between you and me.”

I have no idea what else he said, the blood rushing to my ears and the voice in my head started to freak out. By the time I had calmed down enough to listen, he was ending the conversation.

“So I’ll be there in an hour,” he told whoever was on the other end. “I’m really looking forward to this,” he said with a laugh before saying ‘bye’ and hanging up.

I listened to him walk around for a second before I realized that he was getting closer. Spinning around as silently and as quickly as I could, I made my way back into his room and his bed – pretending to be asleep - moments before he walked in to his room.

“Hey Anna?” He gave me a gentle shake, I ‘woke’ up. “Hey,” he smiled down at me.

“Hey,” I plastered on a fake smile as I stretched like I just woke up.

“Listen, I have to go some where in a little bit.”

“Oh ok,” I looked up at him. “Did you want me to watch Jess?”

He thought about that for a brief moment but then shook his head. “No, that’s ok.” He pushed off his bed, “I just wanted to let you know I was going to be out for a while this morning…” he trailed off as he reached his door where he stopped and looked back at me. “I don’t know how long I’ll be, you might want to go home.”