My Shadow And His Daddy

I was happy when the time came that Josh and I were cuddling on his couch in the nearly darkened living room – the only light came from the moon and the nightlight that Josh turned on when he put Jesse in bed.

Since the moment Josh ‘freed’ Jesse from the shirt I bought for Jenna, he was my shadow. If I went some where, I turned to find him standing behind me, staring up at me with those big blue eyes like his daddy’s. He didn’t want to play unless I was playing with him and he wouldn’t eat his pizza that Josh cut up for him, I had to take his plate out to the kitchen and pretend that I was getting him a new piece before he would even look at it.

At first, Josh didn’t seem to mind but when Jess refused to let Josh bathe him until I was seated on the floor with him, I could see the irritation in his features. Thankfully, Jesse didn’t insist that I take over his bedtime routine, most importantly reading a story to him; I think Josh would’ve flipped if he did. And I wouldn’t blame him, this was his time with his son and while it was nice that Jess loved me and wanted me around, Josh still wanted his moments.

“What are you thinking?” Josh’s lips brushed against my forehead as he held me against his body as we stretched out on the couch. “You have been pretty quiet since Jesse went to sleep.”

“I was just thinking about him,” I told him. “How excited he gets when he sees me and how he always wants me to do everything with him when we are here.”

“Just like his daddy,” Josh chuckled.

I smiled. “Yes, he is just like his daddy. I love both of them very much.”

“They love you too,” he kissed me. “More than they ever thought possible.”

“Oh?” I gave him a squeeze. “Why more than they thought possible?” Josh was silent for a while, when I looked up at him, he had his eyes closed. “Josh?”

He grinned, “I love the feel of your body pressed against mine and when it’s not there, like last night, I have a hard time settling down to sleep.” Gazing down at me he spoke again. “Did you miss me last night? Or did you enjoy your time sleeping alone?”

“I…ummm…” I suddenly remembered that I didn’t technically sleep alone; Jordan and Nick were on the sofa bed with me. “Yes, I missed you Josh.” It wasn’t a lie, I did miss him.

“That was an interesting pause,” he stated, his voice loosing the soft romantic drawl he adopted whenever we were having an ‘us’ moment.

“Well…” I sighed. “I didn’t sleep alone Josh.”

“What?” He stiffened as he stared down at me. “What do you mean? Why didn’t you sleep alone? Who did you…” he scoffed and tried to push me away from him. “I don’t even need to ask do I? It was Jordan.”

“Josh!” I grabbed hold of his arm as I teetered on the edge of the couch. “It’s not what you think! Not even close!” I quickly launched into the condense version of what went on at Mike’s the day before – from Nick and Jordan fighting that morning until the moment I reluctantly laid down next to Jordan because I was too tired to argue with him anymore about Josh’s level of trust in me. “I was tired Josh, I just wanted to sleep and not wake up unable to move in the morning!”

“So you crawled into his arms and fell fast to sleep,” Josh shook his head. “That doesn’t fly Anna! You know how I feel about this and you –”

“I didn’t crawl into his arms!” I snapped as I pushed up off the couch. “For your information, I have no desire to be in Jordan’s arms! It’s yours I was wishing I could feel around me!” I stared down at him. “While I was asleep, Jordan and Nick switched places, so if anything, it would’ve been Nick I slept next too! And before you even think it, I have no romantic feelings towards him either!”

Josh jumped off the couch as I crossed my arms over my chest. He shhh’ed me. “I have a three year old in the next room sleeping; I don’t want him woken up!”

“Then stop being stupid!” I replied before I stopped to think about what I was saying. Josh remained still as I realized what I said, “Josh,” I reached for him but he shoved off my attempt. “I didn’t mean it that way,” I cried. “I just want you to stop thinking that every time I see Jordan; I’m going to do something that will hurt you!

“It’s not that easy to forget,” he said with a sigh. “I wish I could but damn it! It hurt Anna, it really hurt and every time I see him or hear his name, I think about that moment.”

“What do you want me to do about that?” I asked him, truly frustrated that after all these months, he still brings it up. “I barely ever see him or any of my friends because I don’t want you to think that some thing is up. I hate not spending time with them but I hate having you doubt me too.” Josh didn’t say anything. “Come on, what do you expect me to do? There’s nothing that I can do short of…” Josh raised a brow. “No,” I shook my head. “You can’t even be thinking that Josh!”