Don't Forget Your Bags

A sound I had never heard in my life came from Josh when I threw, ‘Maybe that’s where I should be’, over my shoulder at him. His hand fell away from my arm within seconds and the realization that I was being a complete bitch settled over me.

This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go, I mentally kicked myself. We were supposed to be cuddling on the couch or in his bed now, not fighting about something that happened months ago – something that won’t happen again. I turned to look at him; he was staring at the floor in front of him, his arms over his chest as if he was trying to put up a wall around him.

“I have no desire to go see Jordan,” I told him as I moved towards him. “Josh I only told you the sleeping arrangements last night because I knew if I didn’t - and you found out from someone else - you would be really pissed. If I had a choice, if there was anywhere else I could’ve slept, that’s where I would’ve been.”

“You had a choice,” he said to the carpet at my feet.

I frowned, “How did I have a choice? The only other place I could’ve slept last night was in the bed with Mike and Eric, but that wasn’t an option.”

He finally lifted his head, the hurt and confused look in his eyes made me feel ten times worse than I did. ““You could’ve stayed home,” he told me.

“What?” I stared at him. “Stay home? You told me it was ok if I went!” I turned from him, upset that he was turning this around on me once again. “It’s not a crime to want to hang out with my friends! I’m tired of you making me feel guilty for wanting too. I’m going home,” I threw over my shoulder as I headed for the front door. “You know how to reach me when you want to see me.”

Josh remained in the living room the whole time it took me to pull my sneakers on and grab my jacket. With one hand on the dead bolt to unlock it, I turned to him. “Are you really going to let me walk out of here like this?” I didn’t want to leave; I wanted him to stop me. I wanted things to be good between us again, I hated arguing with him.

But he just stood there, watching me and inside my heart felt like it would explode from the pressure and the pain.

“I guess I’ll see you around,” I didn’t really feel that I would see him again if he let me walk out his door at that moment. I hesitated for a while longer, hoping he would make a move.

He didn’t.

I took a deep breath, wiped the tear that started to fall away from my cheek and turned, unlocking the dead bolt as I did.

“Don’t forget your bags,” he said when I opened his door. I turned to tell him I would get them later but he wasn’t standing in sight anymore.

Instead of quietly going to get the bags that I brought into his apartment with me earlier, I reacted like I always did. I don’t know why but it’s always been that way. “Did you want me to leave my key too?” I snapped at him as I stomped towards the living room where he had crossed over and now stood back on to me as he stared out the window. “And maybe your grandmother’s jewelry too so you can give them to someone you actually love and trust?”

Of course, I didn’t wait for his reply; I made my way to his room, cursing him and his lack of trust. But most of all, I was cursing myself for not being the woman he thought I was. The woman he wanted me to be.

“I can’t be someone I’m not!” I muttered as I grabbed at the stuff Jesse had pulled from the bags early. “I’m not perfect, I screw up but damn it I love you, you jerk.” I wanted to cry, frustration does that to me. “Go to Jordan? Oh please!” I continued my rant. “If I was the least bit interested in Jordan there would be nothing stopping me from being with him.” I shook my head, wiping away the angry tears that rolled down my cheeks as I rammed the last of my shopping back into the bag. “But no! I’m here and all he thinks is that I want to be else where? Grrrrr! Men!” I pushed off my knees and spun around to leave only to stumble backwards when I blindly walked into Josh’s hard body. “I’m going!” I snapped while moving to go around him.

He stopped me. Not by touching me, or by saying anything. No all it took for him to stop me was one look - one look that caused me to freeze in my tracks and stare up at him with a sense of hope.

He moved towards me, his hand sliding down my arm until his fingers grasped the handles of the shopping bags I just scooped up. He took then from me, dropping them onto the floor, spilling some of the items out once again. He didn’t say a word as he moved forward, the unreadable expression in his blue eyes made me back up until the back of my knees came up solid against his bed. He took another step forward, his hands on my shoulders as he forced me to sit down on his bed while he sunk to the floor in front of me and dropped his head in my lap.

I didn’t know what was going on, it didn’t make any sense that one minute he was telling me to leave and the next he was kneeling before me with his head on my lap while his hands were linked together behind me on the bed. There was so much I wanted to say to him, to tell him that he really has nothing to worry about when it came to Jordan but as I stared down at his dark hair all thoughts disappeared. My hand was shaking as I lifted it to his head, my fingers stroking deep through his thick hair. I grinned, my fingers playing with the curls that were starting to form at the base of his neck. “Honey you really need a hair cut,” I started to giggle as I spoke the random thought that I was thinking.

Josh slowly lifted his head off my lap, “I’m here trying to figure out a way to make you understand how I feel and you are thinking about my hair?” He sounded serious but the light in his eyes told another story, he thought it was funny.

“Well,” I smiled, my fingers still on the back of his neck. “It’s not very often that I see the back of your neck honey, I’m way too short for that.”

He laughed, his arms tightened around me. “I think you are perfect.”

I lowered my head when he said the word ‘perfect’. “I’m far from perfect Josh.”

“Yeah,” he agreed and then laughed when my head shot up. “No one is perfect Anna, everyone has their problems.”

I nodded, “True but we seem to have the same one over and over again.”

Josh lowered his head, not far enough to rest it on my lap again though. He stayed that way for a moment, his shoulders moving with every deep breath he took. When he finally looked up at me again, he sighed. “I want you to stay here tonight,” he told me. I went to smile and say ok but there was something in his eyes that stopped me. “You can sleep in here,” he continued. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“What?” I frowned. “Why Josh? Why don’t you want to be in the same bed with me?”

“Because I can’t think when you are curled up next to me Anna.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing…”

“It is,” he told me. “When I need to think about what I want and how important it is to me for things to be a certain way, not being about to think is a bad thing.” His arms slipped out from around me and he leaned back on his heels. “I don’t want you to leave,” he told me. “But I need some space to think tonight.”

With that he got up, kissed my forehead and bid me good night.

Despite not having gotten much sleep the night before, I found myself wide awake an couple hours later. He may need space to think, I thought to myself. But I need him here beside me. I wanted to go to him; I needed to go to him. Everything in my mind and body screamed for him.

Screw thinking! I shoved back the covers and hopped out of bed to go be with him. I hope he had enough thinking...