Trip To Get Away From It All

Originally I had planned on taking the girls to the city on Tuesday so when I got up on Monday and decided that I didn’t want to stick around town, it caused a little bit of a panic.

At first it didn’t seem like the girls really wanted to go at all; Cassie had wanted to spend the day with Ben, Lindsay was upset because she waited until the day before to wash her clothes for the trip, so everything was dirty, and Natalie, well she told me that Mary needed her to help with the baby until Zack came home from work. I wanted to argue on that last one but how can you argue with an 8 year old who believes that following her pregnant mommy around is ‘helping’ with the baby?

“Well, ok,” I sighed in frustration after listening to the three of them go on. “We’ll go tomorrow like planned.”

Since my excitement was crushed, I returned to my room and turned on my stereo before falling backwards onto my bed. I was alone with my thoughts, the one thing I didn’t want. I didn’t want to turn onto my side and pull the pillow Jordan used the night before tight to my chest. I didn’t want to bury my face into that pillow and breathe in the faint lingering scent of him. I didn’t want to feel the sad tug in my heart because he wasn’t there to hold me. I didn’t want any of it; I didn’t want those emotions - those feelings - to swallow me so soon.

What did you expect? I asked myself. Did you really think that Jordan wouldn’t want to be given a chance once he found out you were single? You knew how he felt and you knew the only reason he didn’t push further was because of Josh. And Josh! Wasn’t it only last week you were oh so in love with him? How did that change so quickly? Did you really love him or were you playing with his heart all this time?

I was being hard on myself, I knew it. I loved Josh, I really did.

What do you mean you did? The voice was back. If that man were to come back to you and have his life ‘straightened out’, you would be in so much trouble. You still love him, you fool. That’s why you didn’t want to believe it was over. It’s the reason you were all crazy and demanded the skank whore’s number and called her out on the pregnancy. You can say you were doing it because you didn’t want him to get hurt but you just wanted to be right, you didn’t want that baby to exist.

“The baby doesn’t exist,” I grumbled. “Josh said so.”

Did he? All he said was that she lied, that didn’t mean that there wasn’t a baby.

“Either way, he doesn’t have that to worry about.”

No, he doesn’t and he doesn’t have you either. He asked if you two could be friends but you turned him down flat, without any emotion whatsoever. How could you be so cold?

“He was the one who wanted to break up,” I said defensively. “Oh my God!” I started to laugh, “This is crazy! I’m talking to myself!”

No matter how silly I thought I was, the conversation continued; there was so much that I needed to think over and ‘talking’ it out seemed to help a little.

By the time a knock came to my door, I told myself that my feelings for Josh were no longer there and I could get over him because he was already over me. Plus, I convinced myself it was a good idea to put Jordan on hold while I got over Josh and squeezed in a little rebound fling.

“Anna?” Mary peeked her head in when I called out ‘it’s open.’

“Hey Mary, what’s up?” I moved into a sitting position as she crossed my room and joined me.

“The girls wanted me to talk to you about the trip to the city,” she started. “They are a little worried that you’ll cancel it because they weren’t ready today.”

“Oh,” I shook my head. “It’s ok, I was just in the mood to go now, that’s all.” Mary asked me if everything was ok. “I’m just…well,” I sighed. “I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts anymore Mary. I’m tired of going over and over the same things in my head and not getting anywhere. I thought that going a day earlier would take my mind off everything and I could relax.”

Mary reached over and patted my knee. “I just thought you should know that Cassie just sent Ben home, Lindsay’s clothes are in the dryer and I’ve convinced Natalie that I’ll be ok until Zack come home from work - I told her I would sit and watch TV for six hours!”

A couple hours later than I had thought, I found myself behind the wheel of my car, music blasting from my speakers as my nieces and I sang along with Reba, at the top of our lungs. I was ready to forget all about the men problems in my life and live a little with my nieces.

But the men in my life weren’t about to forget about me. Half way into our trip, just as we were pulling into a service station to use the bathroom and get something to snack on, my cell phone rang.

“It’s Uncle Jordan,” Natalie exclaimed from the backseat as she checked my caller id; she was in charge of my cell while I was driving, she was very excited that it rang. “Hello Uncle Jordan,” she giggled as she held the phone up to her ear.

I sat in the front seat, twisted around to face the back, waiting for Natalie to stop talking to Jordan long enough to hand me the phone. Finally, long after my back started to hurt from the way I was seated, Nat said ‘bye’ to him and handed my cell to me. “It’s Uncle Jordan,” she said unnecessarily.

“Aunt Anna is it ok if we go in?” Cassie gripped the handle, her eyes pleading with me; she really needed to use the bathroom.

Once Cassie and the girls were making their way into the service station, I brought my cell to my ear. “Hey what’s up Jordy?” I hoped my voice sounded as carefree as I wanted it too but with my luck I sounded all breathless.

“Nothing’s up Anna, I was just calling to see what you were doing.”

“Oh, I’m hanging out with my nieces; we decided to head to the city today instead of tomorrow.”

“Ahh,” he chuckled. “I guess there’s no point in asking if you were interested in having dinner with me then.”

I laughed, “Nope, not unless you are planning on a late dinner in the city.”

There was a moment of silence and for a second I thought he was going to tell me it sounded like a plan. But he didn’t. “If I didn’t have to work tomorrow babe…”