Talking To Jenna

Despite the fact that I was super tired, I found that I couldn’t fall asleep once Jordan had left me alone in the guest room. I spent the remainder of the night tossing and turning as I begged for sleep to come take me away. But it never did. So in the end I just laid in bed and waited for some sign that Jordan was awake and up for the day.

It was shortly after 9 when I heard him moving around in the kitchen. I gave him a few minutes by himself before I jumped out of bed and went to join him. “Good morning,” I cheerfully as I entered the kitchen.

“Hey,” he replied as he stood at the counter playing with his griddle.

“So?” I slid up beside him. “What are you doing?”

“Making pancakes,” he turned from the griddle now that it was on and walked over to the fridge for eggs and milk. Stopping at a couple cupboards on his way back from the fridge, he pulled out a big bowl, a glass, spoon, whisk, pancake mix and a measuring cup; the entire time, he never even looked at me once.

I tried not to let it get to me. “Can I help with anything?” I asked with great enthusiasm.

“Nope.”

“Oh,” I frowned. “Are you sure?” Normally he would let me measure out the mix or the water or something.

“I have everything under control,” he informed me. “Why don’t you go watch TV or something?”

“But I don’t want to watch TV, I want to help you.”

“I got this,” he said firmly.

“Oh,” my shoulders slumped. “I guess I’ll just –”

“Yeah,” he cut me off. “Just do that.”

Feeling very hurt, I turned around and headed towards the living room, only to change direct and run into the room I slept in as tears threatened to spill down my cheeks. Jordan was upset with me, that was clear and I hated it. As I sat on the bed, I wondered if maybe I should just grab my clothes from the dryer and go home, he obviously didn’t want to be around me at the moment.

After debating it for a while - arguing that he wasn’t upset with me just with the situation and the fact that I wasn’t making it any easier on him – I decided that it would be best if I didn’t take it to heart and leave. My reasoning for staying was that he didn’t ask me to leave, just to do something else instead of helping him.

So with a smile on my face and some confidence restored, I opened the guest bedroom door and walked out into the hallway. I was on my way to the living room when I heard Jenna crying out in her room. I can go get her, I thought. It may not be what Jordan suggested but it keeps me out of the kitchen with him.

Turning around, I made my way to her room. Pushing the door opened, I couldn’t help but grin when Jenna looked up and smiled at me. “Hey Sweetie,” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I walked over to her crib. “How are you doing this morning? Did you have a good sleep?”

Jenna stood up in the crib and held her hands out to me.

“You want out of that little prison, don’t you?” She grinned and I laughed. “Yeah,” I glanced over my shoulder and listened but I didn’t hear Jordan coming down the hall. “Well since daddy is making breakfast, he shouldn’t mind if I take you out, right?”

Picking her up, I brought her to my chest and slipped a hand down to support her from the bottom. “Ewww!” I made a face that she laughed at. “You peed through your diaper! You got your jammies all wet!” Holding her out at arms length, pretending that the thought of pee all over her grossed me out, I took her to the change table and sat her down.

“Now,” I looked around, grabbed the wipes and a diaper, and then looked down at her. “Oh,” I bit my lip, looking towards the door again, not sure what to do. “Umm,” I turned back to her; she was giving me a funny look, like she wanted to know what was taking me so long. “Ok,” I sighed. “So here’s the deal. Your daddy, you know the funny, good looking green eyed man that keeps calling you ‘Jelly roll’?”

Jenna tilted her head to the side and gazed up at me.

I chuckled, “Yeah, you know who your daddy is. Anyway, so last night I think I did something to make your daddy upset with me.” She looked away and I groaned. “Ok, I know why he’s upset with me, I don’t really blame him, I – wait, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, should I?”

She didn’t say anything, obviously.

I shook my head and wondered if I was losing it. “Anyway, you daddy is upset with me and you are wet but I don’t know if it would upset him more if I changed you or if I went and got him to do it. I mean,” I frowned. “It’s not that I can’t do it, I’ve changed many diapers before, I just don’t want to do something that would upset him anymore. Does that make sense?”

Jenna shook her head and I laughed.

“Of course it doesn’t make sense, why should I be worried about if he would be upset that I changed your pissy diaper when he has many more reasons to be upset with me. Like me being stupid and asking him to give me a month.” I started to undo the snaps on Jenna’s jimmies. “What the heck do I think a month will do? It’s not like it’s going to change how I feel about your daddy.”

Slipping her out of the pjs, I sighed. “Jenna you have no idea how lucky you are to have Jordan for a daddy. He’s the kindest, gentlest man I know. He’s smart, he’s funny and he would do anything for those that he cares for.” I smiled, “And you know what? He doesn’t even realize what a great guy he is – or at least he didn’t, I don’t know if he has finally realized it yet or not.”

Jenna was chewing on the corner of the travel baby wipes container, totally ignoring me but I didn’t care, I needed to just talk. “Do you know that he never thought that he would be a good daddy?” I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “But you love him and enjoy being with him, don’t you Sweetie?” She giggled. “Yeah,” I sighed. “You know he misses you when you aren’t around? You can see it in his eyes when someone mentions your name or he sees a little kid with their dad. It’s so great to see too.”

Whipping the pissy diaper out from under her, I rolled it up and tossed it in the garbage before taking the wipes away from her. “Your daddy has changed so much you know. Before he found out about you he was always down on himself and saying how he would never be a dad because he was afraid of being like his dad, your grandpa.” Jenna looked up at me when I said ‘grandpa’.

“Yeah, I know it’s hard to believe it now but there was a time when daddy didn’t talk to your grandpa much but things have changed, they’ve grown closer since you’ve come along and I couldn’t be happier. It tore your daddy apart thinking that his own daddy didn’t love him and that he wasn’t good enough. And I have to tell you, it really hurt to see your daddy hurting like that, I tried to make him see that it wasn’t like that but he didn’t need that from me, he needed to find that out for himself and you helped with that. You managed to open up the lines of communication between your daddy and your grandpa and I, for one, am very grateful for that.”

I went quiet as I cleaned Jenna and fastened a new diaper around her waist. It wasn’t until I went to pick her up so I could go get a new pair of pjs for her, that I realized she was looking at me curiously. “What?” I stared down at her. “Are you wondering what your daddy wanted from me? Or are you just wondering why I stopped talking?”

“I don’t know what to tell you Jenna.” Picking her up, I sighed. “No, that’s not right. I know what he wants from me; he wants me to give him a chance.” Walking over to her dresser, I held her on my hip as I opened the top drawer. “Your daddy told me about six months ago that he loved me but I was just starting a new relationship with Josh so I thought he was lying to me because Josh was taking up a lot of my time; time I would normally spend with your daddy.”

“Long story short, I told her daddy that it was too bad, I was in love with Josh and I wasn’t ever going to look at him as anything more than a friend, so give it up.” Jenna screwed up her face, I wasn’t sure if it was directed at what I said or the frugly red and purple pjs I held up. “I know,” I groaned. “It was so mean of me. Your daddy was my best friend and to say something like that to him? Argh, I felt so bad but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do, I didn’t think I felt that way for him.” I rammed the frugly pjs into the back corner of the drawer and stared down at Jenna. “But then your daddy kissed me.” She stared back at me. “Yeah, he kissed me and it shattered the box that I had long ago locked any feelings for your daddy that weren’t ‘friendship’ related in. And things just got messy. I was so confused. My heart and mind were telling me that I loved Josh but at the same time they were telling me that I always loved your daddy. I didn’t know what to do and the fact that Josh was here that morning and sort of caught your daddy and me, well that didn’t help at all.”

Shaking my head, I started poking around in her drawer again. “So Josh broke up with me, I pushed your daddy away and life became so miserable. For the longest time, I convinced myself that I was miserable because Josh dumped me but looking back over it, I wonder if it was really that, or if it had something to do with not seeing Jesse.”

“’Esss!” Jenna exclaimed with a giggle and I shook my head.

“Oh no, you are way too young to giggle over boys!” I pulled out a pair of white pjs and started to put them on her. “I love children,” I told her. “Ever since I can remember, kids have always been my downfall and sometimes I wonder if the fact that Josh had Jesse, who is so adorable, was the main reason I loved him? I’m not saying that was the only reason I felt something for him, I know that I had feelings when I first met him but I wonder if the fact that he was a daddy influenced my decision to be with him?”

Jenna squirmed as I tried to do up her last snaps and I groaned. “And if that’s the case,” I picked her up in my arms. “If Jesse was a reason that I felt so strongly for Josh, where does that leave me with your daddy? Do I love your daddy for the man he is? The man who’s always been around when I needed him and even when I didn’t? Do I really love the guy who can make me squirt milk out of my nose without trying? Or am I feeling this way because he’s the daddy of a pretty, blonde haired little girl who couldn’t be more like her daddy if she tried?”

Turning from the dresser, I shrugged. “I really don’t know Jenna. I know that I thought I loved your daddy when I was still in high school but was that real love? Or was that loving a guy who’s always been my friend? If I don’t really love him, what will happen if we get together and it doesn’t work out? Can your daddy and I still be friends? Or will I lose the most import –” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, scaring Jenna. “Do you hear me?” I asked her. “Do you hear what I’m saying?”

She stared blankly up at me.

“I’m doubting my feelings for your daddy because I’m afraid, yet what am I afraid of? Losing him!” I shook my head in disbelief. “All my doubts circle around the fact that I’m afraid that by dating your daddy, loving him, I’ll lose him. But what the hell have I been doing for the past 23 years, if it hasn’t been loving him? He’s always been the most important person in my life, outside my brothers and their families. Sure I’ve been friends with your uncle Nick just as long as your daddy but it was always your daddy I went too when I needed someone. It was always your daddy I shared the deepest parts of my soul with. Your daddy knows what makes me tick, your daddy knows how I think, and your daddy knows…me. And he loves me despite all of that.”

I started for her door, “And I asked him to give me a month? What the hell for? To torture the both of us?”

With a newfound understanding of how I was truly feeling, I marched down the hallway towards the kitchen, determined to tell Jordan that the whole month thing was not going to work for me. When I turned the corner and entered the kitchen, I gasped in surprise as I came up solid against Jordan’s chest. “Jordy!” I exclaimed. “I…”

Not a word was spoken by him but he managed to shut me up with one movement – the rising of his hand to reveal the baby monitor. Before I could even respond to the image of the baby monitor and get use to the fact that he heard every word I spoke to Jenna, his arm slipped around my waist to draw me to him as he lowered his head, blocking out everything except for the feelings that exploded in me as his lips captured mine.