Was It Love?

“Yeah,” I glanced at Josh. “The baby, I was wondering how the baby was - how you were. Are you nauseous? Any weird cravings?” I chuckled softly. “My sister in law had this craving for pickles and peanut butter when she was pregnant with my oldest niece, it was grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my life but she just loved it.” Tracy didn’t say anything so I continued. “Then when she was pregnant with my youngest niece she could stand the smell of pickles at all, she craved strawberries with cheese whiz.” I paused, thought about it. “No, I think that would have been the grossest thing I ever saw in my life! My brother was even disgusted by that one; he couldn’t even be in the same room with her when she ate that.”

I waited, she still didn’t say anything.

“Tracy?” I frowned. “Are you still there?”

“Josh told you about the baby?”

“Yes, he told me about the baby.” I sighed. “He told me about you and the baby and then he broke up with me.”

“He did what?” She sounded surprised but yet there was a little something in her voice that made me think that she was happy that we broke up.
“Although you know what’s funny, he broke up with me yet still acts like we are together - you know, kissing, touching, telling me that he loves me and of course there is the whole jealous jerky thing that he works so well.” I was looking straight at Josh when I said those things. “Of course, it’s very confusing to say the least.”

“I really don’t see how that’s my problem Anna.”

“No, you’re right, it’s not your problem Josh is playing this game with me and it’s not your fault that I let him.” I ran a hand through my hair as I turned away from him once more. “It has nothing to do with you and you still haven’t answered my question.”

“What question was that?” She asked as if she didn’t know.

Rolling my eyes, I repeated the question. “How are you and the baby?”

“I’m doing fine,” was all she said.

“And the baby?” I pushed. “How is the baby? Have you had an ultrasound done yet? Both my sister in laws tell me that there’s nothing like seeing your baby for the first time, they cried each time - so did my brothers, it was so weird to see them cry.” I took a breath, “So? What did you feel when you saw the baby?”

“I didn’t have one yet,” she told me. “Look Anna, I would love to stay and chat but I have stuff to do here.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I turned around towards Josh again; he was looking at me questioningly. “What do you mean you haven’t had an ultrasound yet?” Josh’s brow shot up in surprise. “You are what? Four months pregnant? You had to have at least one by now.”

“Well I haven’t,” she snapped at me.

“Why the hell not? You been to a doctor right?”

“Of course I’ve been to a doctor!”

“Then how is it possible…There isn’t a baby is there Tracy?” Josh froze when I asked that, he looked upset but there was something else in his eyes - some thing that almost looked like hope.

“Oh aren’t you a piece of work?” She snarled. “Josh breaks up with you and you can’t handle it so you set out to make my life hell.”

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes. “This has nothing to do with Josh breaking up with me and everything to do with finding out the truth. Josh told me he was drunk that night and that he doesn’t remember much of it. He also told me that you were seeing someone when you ‘found out’ your were pregnant but now you aren’t seeing anyone and you call Josh to tell him the baby is his, claiming you don’t want anything from him? Four months later?” I paused for a second to give what I was saying a chance to sink in to both of them. “Why can’t you tell me how the baby is?” I demanded. “Why haven’t you gone for an ultra sound? Is it because there isn’t a baby?”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Tracy yelled into the phone - Josh jumped a little when he heard her. “You have no idea what you are talking about you little whore. Who cares if your life isn’t working you the way you want?”

“This isn’t about me!” I snapped. “This is about Josh and how badly you seem to be screwing around with his sense of responsibility! You don’t need to know Josh personally to know that he lives and breathes for his son; there is nothing he wouldn’t do for a child of his. You better not be lying to him about the baby because sooner or later Tracy, the truth will come out and Josh isn’t one to let go of anything easily.”

I was done with this, I didn’t even care anymore if there was a baby or not, I just didn’t want Josh to be hurt. Pulling my phone from my ear, I slapped it against his chest. “I may have over stepped boundaries and I may have done more damage than I ever thought possible but Josh, you have to get to the bottom of this because it’s not adding up. Maybe she is pregnant and just not taking care of the baby like she should or maybe…” I shrugged. “Either way it doesn’t matter to me and it’s time I realized that this isn’t my business - we broke up.”

As I walked away from him, I heard his voice as he spoke through clenched teeth as he asked Tracy about the baby. “Is Anna right?” He inquired. “Are you pregnant or are you playing some sick game?”

I pushed my way back into the party crowd and headed straight for the alcohol. Taking a clean glass and the bottle of vodka, I filled the glass up to it’s rim and walked off towards the house. I waited until I was lost in the familiar darkness of my room before I took a mouthful from my glass. I never drank vodka straight like that, it seemed to burn all the way down and I started to choke on it.

Some where in the coughing fit, the tears started to fall. I told myself that nothing mattered, not the baby, not my feelings, nothing. I knew in my heart that nothing would ever change between us, he would never be the man I wanted him to be, the man I thought he was. I knew I was done with Josh. The pain and the heartache weren’t worth it. “Love shouldn’t be that hard,” I cried and reached for the glass again.