Nowhere With You

It took me well over an hour to get myself together enough to push myself off my bed and stumble into the bathroom where I dumped the almost full glass of vodka down the drain. I didn’t make it pass the second mouthful before realizing that he wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t about to get plastered because things didn’t work out with Josh; I was a lot stronger than that!

After splashing some water on my face and fixing my hair, I returned to the party. First I went to check on Cassie and her friends; they were having a blast so I slipped away without them knowing I was there. I did a quick check of the food and drinks, grabbing a can of Pepsi for myself since I was in need of something to wash away the horrible taste in my mouth.

Armed with a drink, I forced myself to mingle. I talked to so many people that I barely recognized but I can’t, for the life of me, think about what the conversations were. I was kind of in auto pilot, sticking to strangers so that no one could see that there was something going on with me.

I caught sight of Josh a few times, he was always in his normal group of friends - Mark, Jack and Warren - but I stayed as far away as possible and as out of his sight as I could. I knew that I would have to go and get my phone back sooner or later but at that moment, I didn’t want to talk to him.

A half hour after emerging from the house, I made my way down to where the kids were playing. Nick and Amy, who I hadn’t talked to much at all since they arrived, were down there with Jordan. While I didn’t wish to see Jordan because he would know right away something was wrong, I couldn’t avoid going, I wanted to talk to Nick and Amy.

Before I came upon them, Jordan had been ‘attacked’ by the kids and was dragged back into their fold so they could get rides and tickle the life out of him. Never in my life was I so happy to see him walk away.

“Hey guys,” I put on my best smile as I joined Nick and Amy. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“Hey!” Nick turned and pulled me into a bear hug. “I was starting to think you were avoiding us Trouble.”

“Avoid my favourite married couple? Never,” I hugged him back just as tight as he hugged me. “How are you two doing?”

“We are getting more and more excited as the days pass by,” Nick replied and Amy just snorted. “Well,” he glanced down at me as his arm rested around my shoulders, “Amy is getting more and more impatient, she just wants our baby to get out already. But me, I don’t want to rush our baby at all.”

“That’s because you aren’t the one who can’t see your feet, or sleep, or walk, or -” Amy waddled over to us, rubbing her belly has she did so.

“Ok, ok” Nick held up his hand in surrender - Amy that hand and placed it against her belly. “Ohhhh….” a silly grin appeared on Nick’s face. “Baby kicking,” he said in wide eyed wonder as Amy moved his hand around her belly. “I did this,” he told me with a laugh.

“That you did,” I smiled at him. “Good job Nicky.” I turned to Amy, “Can I…?” I motioned towards her belly, I didn’t want to just touch without asking because I did that once and the woman I did it too freaked out. Now I ask.

“Of course,” Amy grabbed my hand and placed it over where the baby was moving last. We waited a few minutes and finally were rewarded by a flutter of movement under my hand. “Did you feel that?” Amy asked excitedly. “Did you feel your God baby rolling around?”

“Yes,” I squeaked as the baby moved again. “Oh my!” I leaned down to her belly. “Hello God baby! It’s your Aunt Anna, I can’t wait to see you and hold you.” Straightening up, I gave Amy a hug, “Thank you so much for picking me for Godmother, I can’t tell you how excited I am about that.”

I’m not sure how long Nick, Amy and I were standing around talking about the baby and what they have been doing recently to get ready for the arrival - I just remember thinking that this was what it was all about. Life was hanging out with friends and sharing our trials and tribulations. And I knew that one trial that I had to share with my friends was the drama of the past couple months. Amy already knew the deal so I was sure that she told Nick - until he asked me how things were going with Josh.

“Things are…” I shrugged. “Over.”

“What?!?!” Nick stared at me. “But…but….” He shook his head, “You are playing with me, aren’t you? Just joking around, stop it.”

“I’m not,” I flashed him a fake smile. “We broke up a couple days ago but it wasn’t until tonight that we really made it official.” I sighed, that wasn’t true. “I mean, it wasn’t until tonight that I accepted it to be official.”

“Oh Anna,” Nick pulled me into his arms. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t know.” I tried to tell him that it was ok but he didn’t believe me. “Tell me what happened,” he gave me a concerned look. “Do I have to go beat him up?”

“I don’t really want to get into it tonight Nick,” I pulled out of his arms and hugged myself. “I’ll be fine, it’s better this way.”

“What’s better this way?” Jordan’s voice came from behind me. I turned to see him looking concerned, like Nick, as he glanced back and forth between the three of us. “What’s going on? Why does it look like some one died?”

“Who die Jordy?” Jesse stared up at Jordan from his place against Jordan’s chest. Jordan told him that no one died, it was just a figure of speech, at the same moment that Nick asked Jordan if he remembered that he had a daughter not a son.

“I know that,” Jordan rolled is eyes. “Jesse just wanted his daddy.”

“I sleepy,” Jesse dropped his head onto Jordan’s shoulder. “I want my daddy An-na.”

I didn’t even realize that I took a deep breath in until all three of my friends turned in unison to stare at me. I tried hard to fight the overwhelming desire to cry as his small voice, saying my real name, cut me to the quick. For some silly reason, I always thought I would be ‘Ama’ to him.

Nick was the first one to react, “Come on Jess, I’ll take you to your daddy.”

“No!” Jess clung to Jordan as Nick reached for him. “An-na take me to daddy,” he turned his big blue eyes my way. “I want my daddy.”

“It’s ok,” I said quietly to Nick as I held out my hands to Jesse, who immediately fell forward into them.

Jesse wrapped his arms and legs around me as I made my way across the grass, towards the last place I saw Josh hanging out with his friends.

He was back on to me when I reached him. “Josh?” I tapped his shoulder as I leaned back so Jesse wouldn’t fall. “Jesse says he’s sleepy.” I told him when he turned towards me.

“Hi daddy,” Jesse mumbled as he lifted his head off my shoulder.

“Jesse,” Josh reached out for him. “Come on kiddo, I guess it’s time we went home.”

Once Jess was out of my arms, I said ‘bye’ and started to walk away.
“Anna, wait.”

I paused, but didn’t turn around.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” Josh asked as he moved around to stand in front of me - Jesse wasn’t up with him - once glance over my shoulder told me he was up with Jack’s girlfriend, Rhea.

“How what’s going to be?”

“You aren’t going to talk to me? Pretend like I’m not there?”

I stared off at a spot over his shoulder. “I don’t really have anything to say to you Josh; I think we’ve both said everything we needed to say.”

“What if I have more to say?”

I sighed and finally looked at him. “Look Josh, this isn’t the easiest thing for me to do but we both know that nothing has changed between us. We fight all the time, you don’t trust me and we keep going around and round the same issues. I think we need to walk away from this relationship, for both of our sanity.”

He didn’t say anything for the longest time; he just stared down at me with his arms crossed over his chest. I don’t know if he was trying to intimidate me or if he was trying not to lose it on me but I could tell there was something going on in his head; something that he was withholding.
“Fine,” he said finally. “You’re right, we have been arguing more and more lately and I don’t really trust you or myself at this point.” With a defeated sigh, he lowered his head. “I’m sorry Anna, this isn’t how I wanted things to go with us - six months ago, I wouldn’t have even imagined we would ever break up.”

“But we have Josh.”

“Yes.”

I didn’t think there was anything else to say, I turned but Josh reached out and grabbed my hand. “Anna, I really don’t want this to be the end.”

“Josh,” I groaned, I was starting to feel very drained emotionally, I needed to get away from him. “Good bye,” I removed his hand from mine, letting it fall to his side as I forced one foot in front of the other.

“Anna!” He called out to me again but this time I didn’t stop. “Anna!” I heard him running towards me. “Your phone,” he said simply when he caught up to me. I held out my hand, he dropped my cell into it. “She lied,” he said simply as he turned and walked away.

My heart ached as I returned to Nick and Amy’s side. I wasn’t hurting for me, I was hurting for Josh; he didn’t deserve to be lied too, he didn’t deserve to have been played with like that. “Where’s Jordan?” I figured it was time to let him in on what has been going on with me.

“Up there,” Nick nodded towards the platform where we had set up for the DJ, Ron.

“What is he doing?”

“Don’t know,” Nick replied as Jordan glanced over in our direction, smiled and said something to Ron and them picked up the mic.

“Happy Canada Day everyone!” Jordan shouted into the mic. “Is everyone having a great time tonight?” A crowd went up in a roar. “Awesome! We’ll get back to the DJ in a minute,” he told the crowd. “I just to take this moment to send out a song to a good friend of mine…Babe?” He motioned for me to join him as he turned back to Ron, gave him a nod and a sound similar to a clock tick came from the speakers. When I stood in front of him, he started to sing along with Joel Plaskett in ‘Nowhere with you’.

“Hey Good Looking, why the frown?
You always look better when it’s upside down.
You say you got nowhere that you’re going to.
Can I go nowhere with you?”

Normally I didn’t mind everyone watching me but as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up there with him and proceeded to dance while he sang, I could feel my cheeks burning. I found that I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he sang directly to me as if we were the only ones in the back yard at that moment.

When the song ended, I found myself in his arms, staring up at him as he dipped me backwards; my hands were balled up into fists as I gripped the arms of his shirt. I believe to this day that if the crowd didn’t go crazy cheering, he would’ve kissed me - and I would’ve let him.

“Let me up,” I hissed once the ‘spell’ was broken. Once righted, I made a bee line straight for the house.

“Anna!” I heard Jordan bust through the basement door, calling my name.

“Go away Jordy!” I yelled from my bedroom where I was pacing back and forth, unsure of what I was doing.

“I’m sorry Anna, I didn’t think that would upset you, we used to do that all the time.” He slowly inched my door open to peek in. “Anna?” He took a cautious step inside and since I didn’t scream at him, he came all the way in. “What’s wrong? Why are you pacing?” He asked as he came over to me. “Babe, tell me, I know there’s something going on.”

I went to him, wrapping my arms around his waist as I pressed my face against his chest. “Josh and I broke up,” I mumbled into his shirt.

His hands wrapped around my shoulders as he pushed me back enough to stare down at me. “What did you say?”

“Josh and I broke up,” I repeated, wiping my hand over my eyes. “A couple days ago but I didn’t accept it until tonight. I…” I shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s for the best, all we did was argue but yet, it hurts.”

“Of course it does,” he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “You were pretty serious about him; it’s bound to leave you feeling less than happy.”
I chuckled sadly, “I think it hurt more when Jesse didn’t call me ‘Ama’.” I shook my head and sighed. “But you aren’t taking this like I thought you would.”

“What did you think I would do Anna?” He nodded towards my bed. “Take you into my arms, walk over to your bed where I would lower you down onto the mattress as I moved above you - kissing your tears and any hurt away?”

I gave it a little thought and then laughed, “Yes, something like that.”
His grip on my arms tightened as he stared at my bed, “I’m not going to pretend I’m saddened by your break up Anna.” He gaze slide over me. “And yes, I would love to take you to your bed and make you forget all about Josh and whatever stupid shit he has done now…”

“But?”

He shrugged, “I don’t think there is a ‘but’...” His hands slipped down my arms until his fingers wrapped around my wrists. Moving closer to me, he pulled my arms up, linking my hands behind his neck before his slide down to my waist. “…that’s exactly what I want to do.”