I Don't Really Know What I'm Doing

I stood, frozen, in my doorway with one hand on the doorknob and the other over my mouth as I stared at Jordan. Oh God, oh God….please don’t let him be naked, I’m not ready for this.

“Hey Babe,” he smiled at me. “Why don’t you come over here?” Patting the sheet beside him, he pulled back my blankets and held them for me.

“I…ummm…” A million thoughts were running through my head at that moment but the only one I remember is that I needed more time. “I think….well…I think I forgot to brush my teeth.”

“Anna!” Jordan called out my name as I quickly turned to leave my room again - almost running into Cassie who had come up behind me as I was moving.

“Cassie,” I tried to block her view into my room, I wasn’t sure how she would react to seeing Jordan in my bed like that. “Did you need something?” I wanted it to sound normal, but as I spoke the words, I knew I sounded nervous about something.

Cassie knew it too. “Aunt Anna is there something wrong?” She frowned, her eyes scanning my face before she looked over my shoulder; her brow shot upwards, “Jordan.” She turned back to me, “What’s going on Aunt Anna? Are you and Jordan…?”

“It’s not what you think…” Jordan’s hands slipped over my shoulders and I said the first stupid thing that popped into my head, “Your friends took his bed.”

Cassie glanced back and forth between Jordan and me before shaking her head, “It’s none of my business,” she said with a laugh. “I just wanted to say thanks for listening; I really needed to get it all off my chest.”

“Oh,” I shrugged off Jordan’s hands. “I’ll always be there to listen Cass,” I hugged her. “So are you…?”

She smiled, “I told Ben that we needed to talk. I’m going to tell him how I feel and about my fear when he goes off to college. If all goes well, he’ll be my boyfriend again.”

“That’s great!” I squeezed her tighter. “I hope it goes well Cass, I really do.”

When I let her go, she said good night and turned back towards her friends. Once she was out of ear shot, Jordan’s hand slipped around my elbow. “Weren’t we upset with Ben for macking on another chick a few months ago?”

“Jordan!” I spun around, intent on ushering him back into my room before Cassie heard but all thoughts of Cass left my mind when I came up solid against his bare chest.

“Babe…” his arms wrapped around me. Walking backwards, he pulled me along with him until he could swing my door closed. “Come to bed?”

I glanced at my bed and the nervousness came rushing back again. “You know, I don’t really feel all that tired…”

“Oh?” He smiled. “Well we can do something else if you want.”

“Like what?” I pulled away from him; I really need the space between us.

Shrugging, he told me we could talk. “I’m sure listening to me go on and on about whatever will soon put you to sleep.” When I told him that he wasn’t that boring, he told me that if we were comfy in bed, I would be out before he got started. “You always fall asleep when I try to talk to you in bed. Come on,” he motioned towards the bed as he moved towards it.

I didn’t move, I remained, unmoved, in the same place. It was the first time I really took the time to look below his neck since I first came into the room; I was relived and a little disappointed to see that he was wearing pj pants.

“What’s wrong Anna?” He sat on the edge of my bed, looking unsure of himself as he absently played with the corner of my blanket. “Are you afraid of me? I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want too Babe. I won’t even attempt to hold you if you don’t want me too. I promise.”

“It’s not that Jordy,” I sighed as I made my way over to my bed. “I just…” I shrugged. “It’s difficult to explain what I feel right now.” He told me it was ok but I felt like I still should try to make him understand but how?

“Let’s just get some sleep,” he suggested as he slipped under my blanket. “We are both tired, we should sleep.” He laid back onto my mattress, pulling the covers up over his chest as he closed his eyes. “Good night Babe.”

I felt bad as I loosened the tie of my robe, I knew he was disappointed; all he wanted was to hold me. It wasn’t an unusual request for him; it was something he always did when we shared a bed, so why was I acting all weird about it? It wasn’t that I didn’t want his arms around me, I did, I always enjoyed it when we were close like that; it felt right.

Maybe you are just scared, I thought. It’s not like every other time tonight, we both have feelings for each other and something could happen. That’s what scared me, the fact that something could happen. I wasn’t emotionally ready to enter into a relationship with him, even though, as I stood there with my robe hanging open, I wanted him to sit before me and pull me to him. I wanted his hands, lips, everything all over me.

Sighing, I slipped out of my robe and into my bed. While I pulled my blanket over me, I watched him, to see if there was any sign that he was paying attention to what I was doing - there wasn’t. His eyes didn’t even twitch when I got into bed, I was disappointed.

I turned to switch off the lamp by my bed when a thought popped into my head. A thought that suddenly seemed like something that had to be done, otherwise I would never be able to be around him without this crazy nervousness building up in my gut all the time.

Propping myself up on my right side, I gaze travelling from his messy brown hair that needed a trim badly, down to his closed eyes and those long eyelashes that I often felt envious off; he had beautiful eyes, I loved the way the green changed as his mood did. From his eyes, my eyes slide to his mouth. I wanted to reach out, brush my fingers against his lips. I wanted to… I sighed, forcing my eyes from his lips to the strong jaw hiding under the day worth of stubble. Jordan was, always was, a very good looking guy and really taking the time to study him made my heart swell. I loved him, I always had.

And he loved me, really loved me.

Smiling, I leaned over him and pressed my lips against his briefly before pulling back to wait for his response.

It seemed to take forever, I thought that he had fallen asleep that quickly but then it happened, the corner of his mouth twitched a couple times and then finally, he smiled. “Come here Babe,” he reached for me and I let him pull me into his arms.

With my hand resting under his on his chest, I felt his breath on my forehead moments before his lips brushed against my skin. “Good night Anna.”

Almost immediately, I fell into the land of dreams, where I stayed until well into the next afternoon.

Jordan was gone by the time I woke up; I think that was the most heartbreaking moment of my life, waking up to find that he had left while I was sleeping. Even the note he left me, telling me that he had plans with his parents and he tried to wake me to tell me that, didn’t made the feeling any better.

I decided that afternoon not to wait till the next day; I gathered my nieces and told them we were leaving right then and there for the city. I needed to get out of town, to get my head on straight.