Where's My Benefits?

I expected him to go ahead and tell me what it was that he needed to tell me but he just sat there for the longest time just staring at me. It was funny, in all the time I’ve known him, he never stopped to think about what he wanted to say. This was a first. I didn’t know what to think.

“Wow, it must’ve been something huge, you are speechless.”

“No,” he shook his head slightly. “I’m not speechless at all, I just don’t think you’ll want to hear what I want to say to you.”

“Well…” I tried not to over think what he could possibly want to tell me.

“I thought so,” he glanced down at his hands. “I should go.”

“Ok.”

He sighed.

The seconds ticked by. He didn’t make a move to get up.

“Jor-”

“I want to wrap myself around you!” He blurted out.

“What?” I laughed nervously. “Jordy, I don’t -”

“Don’t say anything,” he quickly sat up. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I…” he groaned. “I’m sorry.” I sat on the couch totally confused as he went to get up, only to sink back onto the couch next to me again. “I can’t go,” he told me.

“Ok,” I said with a shrug as I stared at him. “While you are sticking around, why don’t you tell me why you said that.”

“How I want to take you in my arms and hold you until the sun comes up?”

“Jordan…” I sighed as I turned my head away from him. I didn’t want to hear that, I wanted him to tell me that he no longer felt that way for me. I needed him to tell me that.

“Anna…” I felt him lean into me, his fingers came to rest on my cheek as he gently turned my head back so I was facing him again. “I know you don’t want to hear it. You are probably wishing that I would stop feeling anything but friendship feelings for you but I can’t Anna.”

“Why not?” I stared straight into his eyes. “Why can’t you forget about it?” I paused, thought about the conversation I had with Zack not even an hour before. “You did it before. Why can’t you do it not?”

He backed off a little, “Did it before?” He shook his head slightly, a confused look on his face.

“When did I…” he trailed off. “Zack!” He said suddenly before cursing under his breath. “Zack told you, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he did.” I pushed him away from me, I didn’t want him that close. “How could you Jordan?”

“How could I?” He frowned, he tried to sit next to me again but I couldn’t have it, I jumped off the couch. “Anna come back here,” he reached for me but I sidestepped his hand.

“I want you to go.” I told him as I pointed towards the basement entrance. “I really think it’s time you went home.”

“What?” He jumped up and came to stand in front of me. “Why should I go home? Because Zack told you something you didn’t want to hear? Because I feel something you don’t want me to feel?”

“No!” I snapped at him. “I think you should go because I’m not getting into this with you!” I stomped towards the basement door with Jordan hot on my trail. “I want you out,” I grabbed the door knob, about to open the door when he grabbed my arm and spun me around.

“I’m not going anywhere!” His other hand circled around my shoulder as he stared down at me. "I’m sorry that you can’t handle how I feel but it doesn’t change anything! I love you!”

“No!” I shook my head fiercely. “You just think that you do!”

“The hell I do!” He pulled me to him. “Why can’t you except the fact that I love you? Why do you have to fight me on this? And why the hell do you waste your time with -”

“Don’t you dare!” I wrenched away from his grasp. “I’m not wasting my time with him and I don’t appreciate you saying I am! I love him!” Jordan turned away slightly, as if he was in pain. "Please go.”

His shoulders slumped, he started to turn. “I didn’t want to wait,” he said softly as he glanced over his shoulder. “I wanted to tell you that night,” he closed his eyes for a moment, a smile played on his lips. “I came to find you, I was excited. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to tell you, all I knew was that I couldn’t wait to see you.”

“Whatever,” I turned away from him. “Don’t forget to lock the door before you leave.” I walked across the room, even made it to my room without even thinking about what just happened. How I acted indifferently towards my best friend despite the fact that my heart was racing in my chest. This is crazy, I thought. Nothing has changed, he’s still just your friend. So what if he had feelings for you back then? Does it mean that you should care more about him now?

“No,” I shook my head. “I love Josh, he’s my future.”

“Keep telling yourself that Babe.” I spun around in time to see Jordan enter my room.

“I told you to leave,” I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at him. “What do you think you are doing? I don’t want you here, especially not here,” I motioned around my bedroom.

“No?” He leaned against the door frame. “I remember a time when you used to love it when we were in here together.”

“Jordan I don’t have time -”

“We spent a lot of time there,” he looked past me to my bed and groaned. “I remember the hours we would spend shooting the breeze in this very room. And then later, in every room of my house.” He chuckled, “But never at my parents house, never. They would never leave us alone long enough.”

“I have to get up in the morning,” I said dismissively.

“You don’t work tomorrow,” he told me as he walked further into my room. “You don’t have anything planned tomorrow morning at all. In fact,” he plopped down on my bed. “I’m pretty sure you planned on spending most of the morning right,” he patted my mattress, “here.”

“Go home Jordan.”

“I would,” he looked up at me. “Except I’m not ready to go yet. I’m not done talking.”

“Well I’m done listening.” I stomped over to him to drag him out of my room but I wasn’t that strong, he easily overpowered me. “Jordy let me go!”

As quickly as he restrained me, he let me go. “I don’t want to fight with you Anna, I just want things to be the way they were, I want to…” he shrugged helplessly. “I miss those days Anna. I miss holding you in my arms as we relaxed together. I miss feeling you next to me. I miss your hair tickling my nose, I miss…”

“You miss pretending I’m something I’m not to you so you don’t have to go out and find someone to really be the One Jordan.”

“No,” he chuckled. “I wish that was it but Anna it’s not. I miss you.” I started to speak. “Don’t.” He pressed a finger against my lips. “I know you don’t believe it. You think that I only told you how I feel because of Josh but - no, you know what? That’s right! I did tell you because of him. I don’t like him, I don’t think he can make you as happy as I can - as I did without even being your boyfriend!”

I shoved his hand away. “You don’t know what you are talking about!”

“Yes I do Anna…” he moved away. “But maybe that’s something you need to figure out on your own.” He headed towards the door. “I’m still your best friend,” he said over his shoulder as he walked through my doorway. “That’s one thing he’ll never take from us.”