Where Will You Be At Night's End?

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would hear Josh say that. Sure, I knew he wasn’t Jordan’s biggest fan but to call him all those mean names? And to tell me to go to him? What the hell was he thinking? What the heck was going on with him? I hoped to gain some kind of insight by looking him in the eyes. It seemed that he was trying to avoid my gaze for a couple minutes but finally he looked straight at me.

“What are you still doing here?” He demanded. “Why don’t you just run along and be with him, you know he’s who you want.” He sighed; his shoulders slumped and turned his head away. “I could never be as important to you as he is.”

“Josh that’s not true!” I went to reach for him but he gripped my wrists, holding my hands inches away from his chest.

“Anna I know you want to love me, and you’ve tried so hard to do it too but you don’t, not really.” He brought my hands down to my sides, he didn’t let go of them though, he laced his fingers through mine. “We should just stop playing this game, why waste our time when we both know that it’s going to end horribly for us?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“What?” He dropped my hands before turning to look out over the moonlit lake. “Facing reality? That you are in love with your best friend and I would never be good enough!”

“That’s just crazy Josh! It’s you I’m with, it’s you that I can’t stop thinking about,” I went to him, grabbed his arm to get him to face me. “I don’t know why you think that I love Jordan, or why you think that we are going to end horribly but Josh, it’s not true! I love you! I’m wearing this -” I pulled out his grandmother’s jewellery, “because I love you. It’s a -” Josh looked down at the cross and ring, his face seemed to fall. “Josh what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry Anna,” he backed away from me. “I’m so sorry.” He wandered over to one of the many benches that dotted the trail we were on. “So sorry,” he mumbled as he dropped onto the bench with his head in his hands.

“What are you sorry about Josh?” I went over and sat down with him on the bench. He turned to me; he looked like he was going to say something but instead he wrapped his hand around my neck and pulled me to him. “Wha-” his lips came crashing down on mine. “Oh mmmmm…”

Our kiss was something I never experienced before. It wasn’t the bone melting kisses that he normally delivered, no, it was more of a desperate act than a romantic kiss.

I didn’t like it at all. I pressed my hands against his chest and attempted to move back to look up at him. He fought me, he held me to him when I tried to put some space between us.

When he stopped fighting me, I tried to gaze into his eyes but he wouldn’t have it; he lowered his head and whispered ‘sorry’ once again.

And then he added something new. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, I don’t even remember doing it but…” a strangled cry escaped his throat.

I couldn’t explain it but a sense of dread settled over me. This wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. I had planned on telling him about what Zack told me about both Jordan and him and telling him about the dream and what I think it meant but at that moment, it didn’t seem like it was all that important - something was seriously wrong and Josh was the only one who had the answers. “Didn’t mean for what to happen Josh? What don’t you remember?”

He took a deep breath, leaned back against the wooden back of the bench before slowly letting that breath out. He mumbled something.

“What? I didn’t get that.”

He dropped his head into his hands again. “I’m going to be a daddy again.”

I must’ve blinked a million times in rapid succession before I laughed out loud. “Funny Josh,” I shook my head. “Seriously, what did you say?”

“I am serious,” he turned to me with what seemed like pain reflecting in his eyes. “I found out tonight, after I came back from Zack’s.”

“No,” I shook my head again as if that would make what he was saying make sense. “That’s not possible, we…you…no!” Tears sprung to my eyes when he closed his eyes and told me that it was true, he was going to be a dad again. “But…how?” I stared at him. “We’ve been together for six months! Surely you would’ve known by now that…” my eyes widened as it hit me - he cheated on me!

“You hypocritical bastard!” I jumped off the bench. While towering over him, I gave him the deadliest look I’ve ever given anyone in my life. “All this time you were going on and on about how much I’ve hurt you when I kissed Jordan and you…” he looked up at me. I couldn’t say it “You bastard!”

He got off the bench to stand in front of me. “Anna I’m -”

“Don’t you dare!” I screamed as I pointed at him accusingly. “You’ve been ripping me apart with your injured soul bullshit and all this time you were screwing around behind my back?”

“No!” He reached for me but I slapped his hands away. “God Anna just listen to me, I can -”

“Josh, if the next words out of your mouth are, ‘I can explain’, I swear to God I’ll castrate you where you stand! You can’t explain sleeping with someone when you were making me suffer for one little kiss!” I was shaking, I wanted to beat him senseless but instead I stood there shaking with tears running down my cheeks. “How could you do this to me? To us?”

“I’m sorry,” he sounded sorry too. “I didn’t go out with the intention of sleeping with someone. It just happened…”

I scoffed.

“Well Anna it did! All I remember is waking up with the world’s worst hangover only to roll over and realize that the woman next to me wasn't you!”

“You were drunk?” He nodded. “So that’s all it takes for you to forget about the woman you supposedly love with all your heart and soul? A beer or two is enough to make you forget that you…” I sobbed as I felt the ring slip against my breasts. “It was enough to make you forget this?” I pulled out the ring again and held it as close as I could to his face. “Undying love, that’s what you promised when you gave them to me. You said I was the woman you were going to spend your life with but that’s…” I dropped the ring and started to slip my hands behind my neck.

“Anna what are you doing?” He asked quickly as he moved towards me, his hands jumping to where mine grasped the clasp of the chain that held everything I believe was true in our relationship. “No!” He tried to stop me, he pulled my hands from the clasp.

“Josh stop it!” I screamed at him. “Just stop it. They don’t mean anything now, they are just reminders of how stupid I was to believe that you truly loved me!”

“I do love you!” He exclaimed.

“No you don’t!” I told him. “If you did you wouldn’t have tried to get rid of me tonight like you did. Nor would you be expecting a baby with another woman.” I dug my nails into his hands, tearing into the flesh, until he pulled them from my neck and then with more speed than I thought possible with my hands shaking, I unclasped the chain and let it fall to the ground.

“Anna please just let me -”

“No,” I turned from him. “There is no way in hell I’m ever going to forgive you,” I told him. “I don’t ever want to see you again. I don’t want to hear from you or about you either.” And then, with the spite I was feeling I recalled words he spoke to me months ago, words that cut me to the bone. I glanced over my shoulder at him and I spoke those words, “If I could erase you from my mind, I would.”

I left him standing there that night but I hoped he would chase after me; he didn’t. I made it back to his place and into my car before the questions of his betrayal started to slam around in my head. I wasn’t sure if I was being too harsh with him, I just knew, in my heart, that there was no chance that Josh would ever be the man for me.

With zombie like motions, I started my car and pulled out into the road, not even looking back when I passed Josh as he walked up the sidewalk. I went home that night, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.