It Had To Happen

It’s all a blur. One minute I was pinned against his door and his hard body, kissing him with all the passion I was capable and the next minute, we were in his room. He was on his back, dressed just his boxers as I straddled his hips, holding his hands above his head while I pressed tiny kisses against his neck and shoulders.

“Josh…” moaned as he freed his hands from mine and brought them down to grip my hips, holding me down against him. “What are we doing?” I sighed against his shoulder.

“What?” He nudged my cheek with his nose until I met his lips in a heated kiss.

“Hmmm,” I pulled back slightly.

“What’s wrong honey?” His hands loosened their grip on my hips. “You don’t…” he sighed, taking his hands from me, he ran them through his hair. “This isn’t what you want.” He turned his head away and closed his eyes, “What is this? A pity-”

“If you finish that statement Josh, I’ll bite you!”

A smile played on his lips, “Oh promises, promises Anna.”

“Ha ha,” I shook my head. “No this wasn’t a pity anything. I really wanted…” I sighed and moved off him, falling face first into his mattress.

“What did you want honey?” He turned onto his side, his hand instinctively landing on the curve of my waist. “Why did you come over tonight Anna?”

“I told you,” I snuggled up to him. “I wanted to see you.”

“Yeah but Anna,” he moved back enough to gaze down at me. “Why did you want to see me? Do you want to be with me or is this some last hurrah, or…?”

“Josh,” I pressed my hand against his chest. “I didn’t come over just to screw you, no matter how hot you make me, that wasn’t why I stopped by.”

“Oh thank God,” he hugged me tight. “I’m glad you don’t think of me as a booty call.”

“No, certainly not a ‘booty call’.”

“Then what am I Anna?” He motioned at his near naked body and my shirtless one. “What is this all about?”

I gave a little shrug but he wasn’t satisfied with that, he wanted an explanation. I lowered my head, my forehead rested against his bare chest, “I lied to you,” I told him softly. He tried to move back to look down at me but I wouldn’t let him; I didn’t think I could look at him at the moment. He asked me what I was talking about, when did I lie to him. “When you came over before picking Jess yesterday.”

“You didn’t want me to come over?” He asked a little cluelessly.

“No Josh,” I tilted my head back to gaze up at him. “It wasn’t that, I meant what I said just before you got into the car…”

He shifted, raised himself up on his elbow, “You mean…” he squinted. “When you told me that you loved me but weren’t in love with me?”

I nodded, “Yeah, then.”

“Oh,” he dropped back onto the bed. “I see.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to him, he was all silent and almost broody. “Josh?” I slipped my hand over his shoulder.

“This is messed up,” he groaned and gathered me in his arms, pulling me to him. “I love you,” he whispered against my temple. “I messed this up,” he confessed. “I freaked about Jordan, I jumped at the first sign of interest from a drunk woman when I was three sheets to the wind myself and just when I thought I had a real chance to make everything right. To be the man you deserved, my drunken mistake calls me to tell me that she doesn’t want anything from me but I should know that she’s pregnant with my baby.”

“Don’t forget,” I jumped in. “Not giving me a chance before trying to push me off on Jordan after finding out.”

He nodded, “You’re right, I’m a moron. It just threw me for a loop, Tracy being pregnant; I was careful, we were protected and to be honest, I regretted being with her immediately.”

“I just figured that you wouldn’t want to be with me once you found out,” he told me. “I really wouldn’t blame you either; I’m not exactly the world’s greatest catch here. I’m going to be 33 soon, I’m about to be a dad for the second time and if that wasn’t enough, I’m still wrapped up in a custody thing with my ex wife.” He shook his head, “Christ, could I have more going on?”

I stared at him for a while, but the first words out of my mouth weren’t anything to do with anything he said. “I’m going to be a Godmother.”

“What?”

“Nick called me earlier and asked me to hang out with Amy tonight. At first I was a little weary because Amy and I never really got along but it turned out that Amy was the one who wanted to hang out with me - she wanted to ask me if I would be Godmother to their baby.”

“Wow,” Josh seemed impressed. “That’s great honey; you’ll be a great influence on their child’s life.”

“I know!” I grinned. “I can’t wait; this is something I’ve been looking forward to my whole life, being a role model.”

Josh started to chuckle, “Yeah, right.”

“What?” I frowned up at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Anna, don’t get me wrong but I know for a fact that a role model isn’t what you really want to be,” he shifted his position until I was on my back and he was leaning over me. “We all know that you want to be a mom, it’s why children are drawn to you, because you have that motherly instinct and you make them feel loved.” He kissed my forehead, “You’ll be a great Godmother honey but most importantly, when your time comes, you’ll be a wonderful mommy.”

“Yeah,” I stroked his chest sadly. “But you won’t be the daddy, will you?”

Josh settled down next to me again, he took me in his arms, holding me tight as he told me he wished that things were different, “I wish I could be daddy to your babies but right now, honey, there’s so much that I have to deal with before I could even be ready to be your man.”

I knew he was right; this was bad timing for us, just like it was five years earlier. It didn’t mean that we didn’t care about each other or that the love we felt wasn’t real, it just meant that time wasn’t right for us, we weren’t ready for us. I didn’t know if we would ever be ready or if the timing would ever be right. All I knew, as I fell asleep in his arms that night, was that I didn’t regret our time together.

And I felt alright about trying to move on.